Scarecrow

John paced next to the pay phone in Sacramento, trying to figure out what to say. There was a difference between what he wanted to say to his sons and what he needed to tell them. He picked up the phone and dialed Dean's number.

"Hello?"

John's breath caught, although the voice had deepened slightly, he would recognize it anywhere.

"Sam, is that you?"

"Dad. Are you hurt?"

John smiled softly.

"I'm fine."

"We've been looking for you everywhere. We didn't know where you were, if you were okay."

John heard an edge of panic to his son's voice, and it brought him back to years before when a younger Sam was frightened when he came home hurt.

"Sammy, I'm alright. What about you and Dean?"

John knew he couldn't stay on the line long, but he had to make sure they were okay.

"We're fine. Dad, where are you?"

"Sorry, kiddo. I can't tell you that."

"What why not?"

John heard a muffled voice in the background that he could only assume was Dean. His ever loyal soldier, who he had left behind.

"Look, I know this is hard for you to understand. You just... you're gonna have to trust me on this."

"You're after it, aren't you? The thing that killed Mom?"

"Yeah... it's a demon Sam."

"A demon? You know for sure?"

"I do. Listen Sammy I uhhh..."

John paused for a moment and tried to hold back his emotions. Him and Sam had always had a space the size of the grand canyon between them. But he needed to let the boy know that he cared... that he would do anything for him.

"I also know what happened to your girlfriend. I'm so sorry I would've done anything to protect you from that."

"You know where it is."

"Yeah I think I'm finally closing in on it."

"Let us help."

"You can't. You can't be any part of it."

"Why not?"

John smiled softly at his stubborn son, the one who would never give an inch. What Sam would never realize was that pushing them away was the hardest thing John had ever had to do.

"Listen, Sammy that's why I'm calling. You and your brother you gotta stop looking for me. Now I need you to write down these names."

John pushed down every instinct to comfort his son. He could handle Sam mad at him, what he couldn't handle was his sons dead at the hands of the demon.

He heard the phone shuffle and then Dean's voice on the other end.

He told his son the names of the missing couples and heard Dean mutter yes sir. Then he did one of the hardest things of his life. He put the phone down and walked away, knowing he may never hear their voices again.

"Alright look I know how you feel." Dean said placatingly.

He was trying to let Sam know he knew what it felt like to be left behind, but of course Sam took it the wrong way.

"Do you? How old were you when Mom died. Four? Jess died six months ago. How the hell would you know how I feel?"

That hurt. Yes, Dean still felt his Mom's absence. But he had also been there with Sam every step of the last 6 months. He had watched his brothers grief and his anger. Didn't Sam know that his brother had felt it all right along with him?"

"Dad said it wasn't safe, for any of us. He obviously knows something we don't. So if he says we stay away, we stay away."

"I don't understand the blind faith you have in the man. I mean its like don't even question him."

"Yeah, it's called being a good son!"

Dean regretted his words instantly, but he made the same mistake he had made two years prior. He couldn't let his anger go.

"You're a selfish bastard, you know that? You just do whatever you want, don't care what anybody thinks."

"That's what you really think?"

"Yes it is!"

Sam stared at his brother, and Dean had a chance to take it back. But he didn't.

"Well, then this selfish bastard is going to California."

Dean flashed back to the night Sam left for college, and he made a choice. He turned his back on his brother and drove away.

Dean stared at his brother's name on his phone for a long time. He didn't know what Sam was going to do, but the one thing he knew for sure was he didn't want to part ways like this again. If Sam was going to leave, he had to know that someone would always have his back even from a distance.

"You know which God you're dealing with?"

"No not yet."

"Figure out what it is, you can figure out a way to kill it."

"I know... I'm actually on my way to a local community college. I got an appointment with a professor. You know, since I don't have my trusty sidekick geek boy to do all the research."

Sam laughed softly.

"You know, if you're hinting you need my help, just ask."

"I'm not hinting anything..."

Dean wanted his brother riding shotgun more than anything, but he had always had faith his father would come back to them. Maybe it was time to give Sam the same faith.

"Actually... uh... I want you to know. I mean, don't think..."

"Yeah. I'm sorry too." Sam answered before Dean could get the words out.

Dean did what he always did for his family. He fell on his own sword, putting what he wanted last.

"Sam, you were right. You gotta do your own thing. You gotta live your own life."

"You serious?"

"You've always known what you want and you go after it. You stad up to Dad... you always have. Hell I wish I... anyway I admire that about you. I'm proud of you Sammy."

"I don't even know what to say."

"Say you'll take care of yourself"

"I will."

"Call me when you find Dad.

"Okay... bye Dean."

Dean hung up the phone, proud of himself for taking the higher road, and completely and utterly devastated.

"Who was that?" Meg asked

"My brother?"

"What he say?"

"Goodbye."

Sam thought he would feel free. He finally had his brother's approval. But he couldn't get the sinking feeling of dread out of his stomach.

Sam climbed into the passenger seat of the Impala and relaxed for the first time in two days as Dean started the engine. Miles down the road Dean turned down the music and cleared his throat.

"I shouldn't have said you were selfish. That was uncalled for."

"It's okay man, You're right. You and Dad it that you are heros. Always running into danger to save people. I can't fault you for saying I'm selfish when the only consistent thing I have ever been good at is running away."

"Well one, I don't think going to college counts as running away. Two, you came looking for me when I needed you. Thats not that act of someone selfish. Don't sell yourself short kiddo, you are a hero."

Sam was silent for a few moments.

"It was Dad... on the phone. He knew about what happened to Jessica and I don't know it brought it back so fresh. Just when I think it's starting to scab over..."

"Hey, you feel what you need to for as long as you need to. Dad probably understands that better then anyone."

"Yeah... he apologized... said he would have done anything to protect me from that."

Dean looked over at his brother and noticed the small pensive frown on his face.

"Look Sammy, I know that Dad was exactly... compassionate when we were kids with your feelings.. But he really would have done anything to protect you."

"I know."

"So, then what's wrong?"

Sam peered out from under his bangs.

"I have a lot of regrets. How I left things with Dad, what happened to Jess... I don't want you to be one of my regrets, okay? I'm not going to leave like that again."

Dean was calmed by Sam's reassurance, but he had some big brother teasing to make up for.

"Getting awfully emotional over there Sammy, that time of the month?"

Sam laughed.

"Fuck you."

Sam reached forward and turned the radio up as the two brothers made their way down the road.