Inside of the church, guards patrolled in predictable patterns almost as this was a videogame. Suddenly, however, there was a noise.

The guards turned towards the source, only to find nothing. And so, they continued their patrol.

There was, however, a reason behind the noise: the IMPs, trying to sneak past the guards, had made a book fall.

None the less, they managed to stay undetected.

« I can't believe you got us involved in this shit because of a fucking mini statue! And to think that for once we landed an opportunity that didn't turn us into criminals, nor into bankruptcy! » Moxxie complained.

« Yeah, yeah, potato potato, cry me a river, Moxxicus tinydickicus. Let's just grab that shit and move on with our lives!» Blitzo shot back.

« Besides, so far it ain't that bad. Most of these fuckers have tunnel vision anyway. » Loona added.

« See? Maybe you should be a little bit more optimistic like my sweet baby, you smooth brained dwarf! » Blitzo massaged Loona's shoulders, before being pushed off.

« Oh, quit it, old man. I'm just hoping that this Barbara guy can give me a Vision or some shit. »

« Think he can do that? » Millie asked.

« I mean duh! He's, like, God or some shit. Of course he can do that! »

« Isn't he a wind god or something? » Moxxie asked.

« Meh. I'll just sell him as a sex doll to the lightning god or whatever. He's a femboy, attention seeking, packing nothing down there….but you'd still have sex with him. »

« Touché. » Moxxie replied.

« All right, everyone shut up, we're near the SS guitar! » Blitzo shushed the group, as he slowly walked toward the Lyre. « C'mon….come to papa! » he smirked, being in reach of the instrument, before a woman in purple grabbed it, put a finger on her lips and disappeared.

The IMPs just stood there confused. « What just happened? » was all Moxxie could say.

Then, responding to the commotion, a group of guards arrived at the scene. « Freeze! What are you doing here!? »

In response, Moxxie just shot all of them with a Tommia gun. The rest of the IMPs just looked shocked at the cold-blooded killer. « What? They were in the way! »

« To be fair, I was kinda expecting you fucking it up. Good job there, Mox! » Blitzo complimented his underling, before the sound of more guards could be heard.

« What was that!? Are we under attack!? Status report, status report! »

« Yeah, for once I can't hold you accountable for this fuckup. Ya still got the thing? » Blitzo smirked.

« The thing? » Moxxie asked confused, before smirking in realization. « Oh….the thing….»

Somehow, Moxxie pulled out a giant ass cannon from his pockets, aiming it at a wall and firing it.

« Ha! SUCKERS! » Blitzo exclaimed, before he and the rest of the IMPs fled "unnoticed".

Not too far, Venti was just sitting around, before being grabbed by Loona.

« Why hello my fair lady? May you hand over the Lyre? » he greeted the Hellhound.

« No time! Purple bitch stole the thingie, Fabulous knights after us, need a hiding spot! » Blitzo replied.

« Then I know a place! Keep the course! » Venti exclaimed as the group fled as fast as they could from the church.

Xxxxxxx

Meanwhile, in a random bar.

« Master Diluc, this is this week's account. » a barman told a man, Diluc.

He had pale skin, red eyes, and bright red hair that went down to the middle of his back, tied in a low ponytail.

He wore a black dress shirt, a long white vest, a black ascot with a red gem, a black coat with fur trim at the bottom, black dress pants, a strap on his right thigh, cuffed black boots, and a pair of black gloves.

« Hmm… The disaster has greatly affected business. »

« Well, let's hope it all ends soon. »

Suddenly, however, the main door of the bar exploded, the IMPs (and Venti) landing face first on the floor.

« Shadiest fucking table. Will provide blowjobs as for payment! NOW! » Blitzo exclaimed.

« Second floor. Keep your mouths out of my face and you'll get a freebie. » Diluc replied disgusted.

« Crystal. You snitch on us, you get the 9000 gauge! » Moxxie glared at the man, as the group headed towards the second floor.

The moment the group reached the second floor, a group of Flavonius knights entered the building.

« Master Diluc! Have you seen a group of thieves around? »

« What happened? »

« A group of thieves was caught trying to steal the Holy Lyre! They even killed a few of our men! »

« You better not turn them into more corpses into the pile. » Moxxie silently threatened an unaware Diluc, whilst pointing a sniper rifle at the man.

« Well that's odd. And to go all the way to kill some guards… »

« Is it? the Holy Lyre is a treasure that was played by the God of Anemo themselves. »

« And who would be foolish enough to kill for something they can't sell? My cellars are far more valuable on that regard. » Diluc replied. « None the less, I do believe I saw a group of psychopaths running that way. »

« Understood. Thank you, master Diluc. »

As the guards got out of the building, the IMPs jumped down to the first floor. « I can't believe you didn't even try to sell us out. » Blitzo raised an eyebrow.

« Right. I want answers. NOW. » Diluc replied.

« Femboy's Barbados, lyre can stop Stormasshole, purple bitch stole lyre, had to run from the Flavour police. There, you have it. » Blitzo casually replied.

Diluc simply remained silent. « I'm not even gonna pretend that makes sense. »

« Not a whole lot does in this place. » Loona replied.

« None the less, in this whole mess of a story, you would be? » Diluc asked.

« Immediate Murder Professionals! IMPs for short! The name is Blitzo! The O is silent! And here are Loona, my sweet little baby, Moxxie, the tiny dicked demon, Millie, his wife, and Venti, the god of winds, music and femboys! »

« What does "Femboy" even mean!? » Venti asked exasperated.

« Mercenaries, huh? You might come in handy. It's a pain to always require the aid of the knights, considering how inefficient they are. »

« I like you already, daddy… » Blitzo climbed on Diluc shoulder with a big baby smile on his face, before the latter pushed him off.

« If you keep a 10-meter radius from me. » Diluc threatened the Imp. « And you said something about a purple woman? Urgh, the Fatui must be involved…»

«….Da fuck are the Futas? » Blitzo asked confused.

« Fatui. »

« Futa it is. »

« Anyway, they are a delegation of diplomats from the Zapolyarny Palace of Snezhnaya. »

« Weird for a diplomat to start shit with other countries… » Moxxie noted.

« Let's just say…they are not your typical diplomat. »

« So what? Are they trying to start a "special operation" in Mondstadt by infiltrating rebels in its wilderness to justify an invasion only to fail because they forgot how supplies work and so must wait for fuel and shit whilst Mondstadt gets fancy drones and shit to bomb them to oblivion? » Blitzo asked.

« Wouldn't be surprised at that point. »

« Anyway, any idea where these Fruit fucks are? Really feeling like having a talk, if ya catch my meaning. » Blitzo asked.

« Give me some time. I'll organize some contacts. We'll meet here once the tavern is closed. » was Diluc response.

« Not a problem, but first… » Blitzo said, turning towards Venti. « Hey Femboy! Payment! Now! »

Venti's face turned pale. « Uh…how about a performance? »

Loona grabbed him by the collar. « How about a fucking Vision? »

« Oh! Why didn't you ask that earlier! Here it is, my child. » Venti handed the hellhound a small grey amulet. Loona did not look amused.

« It's grey. »

« Fear not. The Vision shall take shape once it encounters its user. » Venti explained. Loona grabbed the Vision, only for it to sparkle some lightning, before turning a fiery purple, the hellhound smirking happily at the sight.

« Fucking sweet, baby! »

Xxxxxxx

That evening.

Sneaking through the window, the IMPs entered the tavern, Diluc waiting for them alongside Venti.

Alongside them, however, was an unexpected guest.

Jean herself, out of all people, was in the meeting.

« Wait…IMPs? » was all she said.

«…Diluc what the FUCK is this? » Blitzo threatened the man.

« Easy, Blitz of the silent O's. She's one of us. »

« Talk about connections….you sure you don't work with the mob? » Moxxie asked.

« Never had and never will. For now. » was Diluc response.

« Why did I ever doubt it was you idiots behind this? » Jean massaged her temples.

« Fuck off, we're basically handling the Stormcatrina issue single-handily. » Blitzo replied.

« So the Lyre can purify Stormterror, if my understanding is correct. »

« Indeed! And the IMPs are putting themselves on the frontline, for the glory of money, to try and solve the Stormterror issue. » Venti explained.

« NOW you're starting to act like a greedy piece of shit! » Blitzo complimented Venti proudly.

« It all makes sense now. There's no reason Dvalin would betray the Four Winds. » Jean reasoned.

« It's still no justification for what he's doing. Either we're going to sing him this lullaby and he stops, or I have a bullet with his name on it. and that bullet is called "Anti-tank rifle." » Moxxie said serious.

All just stared at the Imp. « That's actually kinda hot…. » Blitzo commented.

« If he has been injured in the battle for Mondstadt so long ago, and the Abyssal Mage has corrupted him, it means he has no control over himself! »

« He. Is. Destroying. Your. CITY! It's a simple FUCKING concept! » Moxxie argued.

A short silence followed. « This is quite awkward, isn't it? » Venti commented.

« Yeah, never saw you get so worked up by anything… » Millie commented.

« Sorry, it's just….I'm starting to see why Diluc doesn't have positive relations with the Fabulous knights….»

« Anyway, any idea where the fuck the Lyre is? Or why the Ruskies wannabe just stole it? » Blitzo asked.

« The conflict between Mondstadt and Snezhnaya stem from the conflict between the seven nations and their respective gods. » Jean explained.

« Oh…great…politics. For fuck sake. » Blitzo commented.

« So that's why we're letting that lizard flying around, huh? Fuckin' Ruskies….Guess I can see why the overprotective approach with the dragon. » Moxxie commented as well.

« I guess that since our stance with Dvalin so far is not to kill him, they're now trying to get the Lyre to obtain the power of the Anemo God. » Jean reasoned.

« Told you that having more than one God is a fucking bad idea! » Blitzo tossed his hands up annoyed.

« None the less, I do believe I know where the Lyre is located. Locate the Fatui hideout, take the Lyre and return to the tavern. We'll plan our next move then. » Diluc commanded.

« Do we get paid? » Blitzo asked annoyed.

Diluc just punched a nearby box, and tons of coins came out. « Get the lyre and they're yours. »

« DONE! Will be a minute! » Blitzo replied, as he and the gang went out of the building to the Fatui hideout.

Xxxxxxx

Three hours later.

The group returned to the tavern and collapsed on the ground, covered in burn marks and Fatui corpses.

« SO. MANY. FUCKING. FUTAS! » Blitzo said exhausted.

« Do you have a problem with basic fucking speech? » Diluc asked annoyed.

« Eat a dick, fuck de carotte » Blitzo shot back.

« Have you managed to recover the lyre? » Venti asked.

« Here. Choke on it! » Loona tossed the lyre to the bard.

« The pattern of flowing wind carved on the rosewood….and the strings still feel cool to the touch too. Oh, the memories…»

« You done masturbating with that or what? » Blitzo asked annoyed.

« It is hard to find living beings so out of touch with art. » Venti replied with a deadpan expression.

« I've heard better music coming out of a Slovene porn film! » Moxxie replied.

« Excuse me? » Loona asked in disbelief.

« It was the Boss mandatory horse special. » Millie replied.

« Thank FUCK I wasn't there! »

« So can you summon Dragonborn or whatever? » Blitzo asked.

« Although the Lyre is the real thing, I doubt it's going to work. »

The IMPs just stared angrily at the bard. « Ex-FUCKING-cuse me? »

« The lyre has been through a thousand years of history. Its Anemo power has run dry. But there is a solution. »

« There better fucking be! » Blitzo exclaimed angrily.

« You wouldn't happen to have found a crystal when we first met? »

« You mean this shit? » Loona tossed the crystal they found in the forest.

« Holy shit it was important for the plot! » Moxxie exclaimed.

« Indeed. This is one of Dvali's tears. » Venti explained.

The IMPs just stared in disbelief. « Wait a minute…Stormfuck tears are actual fucking crystals!? » Loona exclaimed.

« Holy shit get the tear gas, we can get so much fucking money with this shit! » Blitzo exclaimed.

«I do believe that you should be able to purify it. » Venti handed the small crystal to Blitzo.

« How the fuck am I supposed to purify this shit? » Blitzo asked.

« You just did. »

As Venti said that, Blitzo noticed that the crystal turned from red to blue.

« Yo what the fuck!? »

« Okay, what the hell is going on? » Millie asked confused.

« I do believe that we do not have the time to explain. But alas, I do believe that if an audience was to listen, they would find an answer elsewhere. »

As Venti said that, all looked towards an imaginary screen.

« Okay…so what the hell am I supposed to do? » Blitzo asked.

« Try using it. » Venti replied.

« All right…» Blitzo replied, and as he did, the Lyre turned from brown to gold.

« It worked! As expected! » Venti exclaimed.

« So it's good, right? » Moxxie asked.

« Not quite. It requires more crystal to regain its full power. »

« How many crystals do we need? » Loona asked concerned.

« Oh about 5…»

« Oh thank fuck I thought we had do embark on another odyssey- »

«…hundred. »

…..

« What? »

« For the lyre to return to its original power, we'll need about….500 tear drops. »

« Oh, for FUCK SAKE! Another FUCKING fetch mission!? » Blitzo exclaimed exasperated.

« Gather the tear drops, and you'll get a raise! » Diluc quickly intervened.

« I hate this planet! » Blitzo cried desperate as he walked out of the door.

Xxxxxxx

So much later that the old writer got tired of waiting, and we had to hire another one.

Once more, the gang returned to the tavern, felt face first to the floor, covered in stab wounds, dead Hilichurls, slimes, and even an eagle on Blitzo's ass.

« You send us to another fetch quest, I'll choke you without even unzipping my pants! »

« Not to worry. If all goes well, we now merely have to purify Dvalin himself. Anyhow, Blitzo, you know the procedure. » Venti replied.

« Here. Crystals are fine. Shove them up your bard ass! »

« That…would be quite the waste. »

« Your existence is a waste! » Blitzo replied, before shoving the crystals to the lyre. However, he only managed stuff 4 of them. « Uh…what? »

Venti simply chucked. « Oh, my deepest apologies. I do believe that when I said I required 500 tears…I might actually meant that 4 would be enough. » he explained with a smug smirk.

« So what the hell were the other 496 crystals for!? » Blitzo exclaimed angrily.

« Revenge. » Venti grinned.

« …..Touché » Moxxie replied.

« Anyway, the lyre is now fully replenished. We should be able to use it now. »

« FUCKING FINALLY! » Loona shouted.

« Now, where should we summon Dvalin? » Jean asked.

« Let's go to Not!Russia so we can summon it on Non!Stalin ass! » Blitzo proposed.

« Tempting. If not for the fact it would mean war with Snezhnaya. » Diluc replied.

« Pussy! » Blitzo mocked the man.

«The wind that blows at sea or in high places should be able to carry a bard's work far away. It's never going to work if the air is too dry or suffocating. » Venti explained.

« If you go east from Starfell Lake, there are mountains south of the beach. If you head to where the cliff juts out, that place is known as Starsnatch Cliff. » Dulic proposed.

« All right, let's do it there. » was Venti response.

« Good. We'll make sure to bring our own instruments. I've got just the song for Stormfuck. » Blitzo added.

Dulic, Venti and Jean faces paled.

They had a bad feeling about this.

Xxxxxxx

Two hours later.

« I ripped your clothes, I crashed your car, I smashed all of your expensive art, Your conversation peaceful, All of your fake ass friends who think they're rockstars- »

Called. It.

As Blitzo and the gang marched to the cliff, they were singing F U Anthem by Leah Kate. And for once, both Loona, Moxxie and Millie were singing willingly.

« WHAT IS THIS ABOMINATION TO ALL THAT IS MUSICAL!? » Venti exclaimed desperate.

« It's what we're gonna sing on Dovakin funeral! » Blitzo replied.

« None the less, silence now! I, the best wandering bard in the mortal world, shall begin my performance with the Holy Lyre! » Venti scolded the IMPs.

As he said that, he walked towards the cliff, and begun to play it.

In mere seconds, Dvalin appeared.

« You have come... What has been done cannot be undone... » Dvalin spoke.

« If so, then why do I see sadness in your eyes? Sadness that speaks of your yearning for this song... » Venti spoke.

« Holy shit, they're talking to each other! » Blitzo exclaimed.

Suddenly, however, a spell hit Venti, breaking the lyre.

« Holy shit, they hit the femboy! » Moxxie exclaimed.

« Do not be fooled by him, dear dragon... » a voice, belonging to a weird creature (an Abyss Mage), reasoned behind the dragon. « He left you to rot alone. Now he attempts to deceive you once more... Let your wrath fester! Mondstadt has already turned its back on you! »

« YOU! You were planning this all along!? To have me slain by them!? » Dvalin roared in rage.

« Get a fucking grip, dumbass! He's using you! Try to use your brain for once in your miserable life! He's using magic to cause you even more pain! » Moxxie shouted.

« YOU! I remember you, you miserable little vermin's! You are the ones that injured me back in Mondstadt! » Dvalin roared in anger.

« Because you were fucking around in the city! You are literally killing thousands of innocents, and you think THEY are the bad guys!? » Moxxie shot back.

« They turned their backs on me. On my suffering! »

« What the fuck did you expect them to do!? Hell, have you even given them a fucking chance!? »

« Lies! These foul beasts are just trying to cause further pain! Kill them, my dear dragon! Enact your reve-» before the Abyss Mage could continue, he was shot in the face by Blitzo.

« SHUT THE FUCK UP, YOU MANIPULATIVE WHORE! » Blitzo shouted, before turning towards Dvalin. « Now could you kindly get to the fucking ground so that we can fucking patch up your ouchie or whatever!? »

«…That mage was one of the few creatures to keep me company in my pain… » Dvalin hissed in rage.

« No he fucking wasn't! That's what these pieces of shit do! They cause you pain without you realizing it and then act as they are trying to help you! He's the one to blame, not Mondstadt! »

« They're all sinners! They all turned their back on me! »

« Again, they fucking didn't! And second, even if they did, WHO THE FUCK IS INNOCENT!? From the moment of birth you're already a parasite leeching off your mama's tits, get the fuck over yourself you baby dick prude! You're no different than them! »

Dvalin widened his eyes in shock. « Yeah, that's right folks! Here's our fucking judge! Have you any idea how many people you've hurt for absolutely nothing!? Did it cure your pain or whatever!? At least when I kill fuckers it's because it's a job! When you hurt fuckers it's because you're throwing a temper tantrum! » Blitzo then sighed. « It's this what you're planning? To just bite and claw at anyone getting close to you because you THINK they're gonna hurt you?! »

« We would never abandon you, Dvalin! Please! Let us help you! » Jean pleaded.

For a moment, Dvalin remained silent. « Dvalin…please…come back to me…we can heal you! » Venti pleaded.

Dvalin remained silent, before roaring in pain once more and flying off.

« DVALIN! » Venti cried out.

« Oh for fuck sake, GET BACK HERE BEFORE I GIVE YOU A REASON TO HATE MONDSTADT! » Blitzo shouted as well.

« Blitzo! There's nothing we can do! » Jean blocked the Imp. In response, Blitzo just kicked off some dirt in frustration.

« Fucking fuck! And let me guess, the lyre went to shit, didn't it!? »

« Unfortunately, it's beyond repair. » Venti replied.

« Fucking great! Guess it's war with the Ruskies then! Hope everyone has your granpa's spare swastika! 'Cause we're marching on the fucking Kremlin after this shit! » Blitzo cursed.

« Thankfully…perhaps there's no need for the lyre now. » Venti said.

« How exactly? » Blitzo asked angrily.

« I see doubt in Dvalin. Now that the Abyssal Mage is dead, we just need to purify Dvalin's wounds. Then, he'll come to reason. » Venti explained.

« So I just have to do the same trick I did with the crystals and he'll be cured, right? » Blitzo asked.

« Indeed. Thankfully, there is still hope for Dvalin. »

« Fine. I'm in. Forget the change, this one is personal. » Blitzo said in a serious tone.

« Finally trying to do good for Mondstadt without monetary compensation? » Jean scoffed at the Imp.

« Pff, fuck Mondstadt! I'm just pissed at that lizard's existence. And I don't care what the Ruskies are planning. Either he cuts this shit out, or I'll mount his head on my fucking chimney. »

« Amen boss. Amen. » Moxxie replied.

Xxxxxxx

Many thanks to Inanna for many of the suggestions for this chapter.

I hope you enjoy this new chapter! Please review so I can know your opinion. I'm willing to accept suggestions for what is going to happen, so stay tuned! Also, remember to like and follow, if you want!

See you to the next update!