Double D is sipping his tea with his pinky about and Ed comments on it.
Ed: Why do you do that?
Edd: It's cultured.
Ed: Its gay.
Edd: Ed, I don't think it's right of you to disparage an entire group of people by insinuating homosexual activities are some sort of negative connotation, especially over a mundane activity such as how I drink my tea.
(He just stares at Edd blankly drooling.)
Edd: (a loud sigh) Just as well, you're gay.
Ed: NUH-UNH. Although there was that one time...
Edd: And how we got an R rating in the first minute.
(The doorbell rings.)
Edd: Oh, that must be Eddy. At least now the conversation will be decent.
(Edd opens the door and sees Eddy with a dog and he points.)
Edd: Eddy, why did you bring your dog?
Ed: Give me the dog!
Eddy: Don't break it Ed...
(He grabs it and hugs it and the dog kisses him.)
Ed: Awwww he likes me!
Eddy: Great... It's not my dog sock head. It's our next big ticket. We're gonna be Elon Musk levels rich after this.
Edd: I don't think you can just name drop people like that Eddy.
Eddy: Fuckem. As rich as we'll be, we can do whatever we want!
(Ed is busy playing with the dog.)
Edd: Eddy...what did you do?
Eddy: What do you think I did? I kidnapped someone's dog duh!
Edd: That's low even for you Eddy.
Ed: Paw...paw...Hahahahaha!
Eddy: Relax. The dog is gonna be fine clearly. All I did was send a little email to some rich guy I spotted loving up his dog.
(It cuts to Eddy spying on John Wick through binoculars.)
Eddy: I saw him go leave for work or something, than his maid was walking the dog. So I put on a mask, pushed her into some bushes, and took the dog. Than I composed an email to that house's location of the dog will be returned safely sooner rather than later based on how many coin he adds to my crypto-wallet.
Ed: That sounds as garbage as some scam from India.
Edd: Problematic takes aside... Eddy, really? coin?
Eddy: It's non-traceable, he can't just shoot us and take it back, and coin is worth over 60k right now per coin.
(Edd rubs his naval cavity.)
Edd: Eddy... What happened to be this man's name?
Me: I don't remember. John something.
Ed: Johnny?! I haven't seen him in years!
Eddy: No not Johnny. Get real Ed...
Edd: EDDY THIS IS IMPORTANT. WHAT...WAS HIS NAME?
Eddy: Geez Poindexter calm down. I think it was John Wick.
(Edd begins shaking and foaming at the mouth. He starts to hyperventilate and strangle Eddy.)
Eddy: At least take me out to dinner first! Ed, help!
(Ed says to the dog carrying him.)
Ed: I told him he was gay...
Edd: YOU STOLE...JOHN WICK'S...DOG?! YOU'VE KILLED US ALL EDDY! MORE THAN USUAL!
Eddy: Relax! He doesn't know what any of us look like. I even sent a burner email using a proxy. In Saudi Arabia I believe.
Edd: Ed... Turn on the television.
(It's the news.)
Anchor: In breaking reports. Hamas is surrendering! After a huge massacare in Saudi Arabia, reports say a few Hamas operatives are making a statement that they will surrender and tell all their sistering cells too as well, quelling it's influence as they've splintered off.
Edd: Now turn off the television Ed.
(Edd cocks an eyebrow.)
Eddy: Ok, I might've made a teensie error in judgement...
Edd: You are going to return this dog right now, and pray to almighty GOD at least one of us makes it out of this alive.
Eddy: Ok fine! Ed, gimme the dog.
Ed: Fiiiinnneeee. Sorry poochie.
(Ed hands Eddy the dog and they all go to John Wick's house.)
Eddy: There you go little guy.
(He places him in the yard.)
Eddy: See?! The maid will see the dog outside, and everything will be...
(A hawk screeches and swoops on by grabbing the dog.)
Eddy: Fine...
Ed: EDDY THE HAWK TOOK THE DOG.
Eddy: I see that Ed...
(Edd hyperventilates again, his eyes bulging, foaming at the mouth and pulls out a shotgun with some tech looking scope attached to it and shoots down the hawk while Eddy and Ed go running for the dog.)
Eddy: Quick Ed! Catch it!
Ed: I promise I'll catch it as fast as you cauhht Chlamydia!
Eddy: I...sure Ed...
(Ed catches the dog.)
Ed: There now little guy, you're safe. (Lick)
Ed: Awwwwww.
Eddy: See Double D, everything is...
(Edd aims the cross hairs right at Eddy.)
Eddy: Fine... Wait, if you're some tech genius, why the heck are you so scared of this guy? Build a clone of him or something.
Ed: Oh yeah! Like that one horror movie where...
(Double D sighs and pulls down his weapon.)
Edd: Let me explain something to both of you... John Wick is not some bully who gets one over on us. He isn't someone with more money, or charisma, he's not smarter than us. (Ed picking his nose.)
Edd: Well, some of us... He's a very VERY dedicated man. A force of nature if you will. I don't know if all the rumors are true, but I do know this: You don't come between John Wick and his dog.
Ed: I mean YOU MIGHT come between them. You know...being gay and all.
(Double D points his cross hairs at Ed.)
Eddy: Ed, gimme the dog if you're gonna go pissing Double D off.
Ed: Yah right. Than we'd all be in trouble!
Edd: For once he is correct...
(They hear a gunshot but it isn't from Double D. They see the bullet smashed up fall to the floor, and Ed has a mark on the back of his head.)
Ed: ...OWWWWW!
John Wick from atop a bulding with a sniper-rifle: How the fuck?
Eddy: Ed you dolt! Calm down, you're gonna hurt the dog!
Ed: That really hurt Eddy!
Eddy: I'm sure it did, but you're gonna hurt more if anything happens to that dog!
(Double D examines the round and uses his shotgun to pinpoint the coordinace of John Wick)
Edd: Guys...
Eddy: Just give me the dog!
Ed: Do you even care that I was shot?!
Eddy: Not particularly, no...
(Double D shoots at the building, but John Wick hides behind a chimney in the nick of time where the round ricochets.)
Edd: We need to go... Right now...
Eddy: Where are we supposed to go?!
Edd: Anywhere but here, move!
(They all comedically run away in circles bumping into each other as John Wick misses several times.)
John Wick: These guys are... dorks...
Eddy: Let's hide in the trailer parks! John won't risk killing innocent people!
Edd: Eddy, the man just slaughtered like a few hundred Hamas insurgents... I don't think he cares about innocent lives...
Ed: Woooowwww Double D. Innocent and Hamas in the same sentence? Do better.
Edd: Oh shut up Ed.
(John Wick face-palms, but smirks.)
(As they're in the trailer parks, they walk around.)
Ed: Eddy, this was a bad idea...
Edd: Oh come now Ed. If you're worried about the Kankers, I'm sure after all these years they're... (A blow dart goes into his neck) moved out...
(A blow dart goes into Ed's neck too as he chuckles and falls down.)
Eddy: Wait, a blow-dart can penetrate your skin but a high powered round from a rifle can't... (A blow dart hits Eddy too as they hear the laughter of girls in the background. As they awake, they're all tied up and it is indeed the Kanker sisters.)
(Lee smacks Double D awake.)
Lee: Wakeup sleepy head... You owe an applogy to my sister for ghosting her.
Maree: You tell'em Lee!
(May is playing with the dog and Ed tied to his chair hops towards her. "You're doing it wrong!")
Eddy: Wait... Why was I drugged and tied up? We got married!
Lee: Don't kink-shame me.
Edd: Honestly, I would rather be dealing with John Wick right now...
(Lee puts a knife to his throat.)
Lee: You...apology...to Maree, pronto!
Maree: I thought about you all the time Double D! Do you know how many boyfriends I lost screaming out your name?!
Edd: How mortifying...
Eddy: You could at least untie me.
(Lee sits on his lap.)
Lee: Oh no mister. This whole John Wick thing is your fault, you need to be punished.
Eddy: You know what? On second thought, this is fine... Looks like everything turned out okay sock head. Just tell Maree you're sorry and... (A gunshot goes through the wall and hits a John Wick Funko-Pop.)
May: Nooooo! My favorite Funko-Pop!
Edd: You know he's trying to kill us right?
Lee: Kill YOU.
Edd: Kill Eddy! (Lee looks at the door and licks her knife.)
Lee: He can try...
Ed: So Eddy, when we're you gonna tell us you got hitched to the Canker?!
(Lee puts the knife to Eddy's throat.)
Lee: Yeah hubby...when?
Edd: Way to make a bad situation worse Ed...
Eddy: It wasn't my fault honey bunny! I... I wanted one of my schemes to actually work. Give you a real wedding. A fancy one! You'd never have to see the trailer parks again and the guys would see you Cankers aren't all bad!
(She blows one of her curls out of her face and takes the knife off his throat.)
Lee: You're lucky you've got that skibidi rizz shawty...
(Another round goes through the wall revealing one of Lee's eyes.)
Lee: Geez! That guy just won't let up will he?!
Edd: I mean, that's kind of John Wick's whole thing, yes...
(Lee slams open the door.)
Lee: WHAT DO YOU WANT?!
(John Wick looks at the chaos around him.)
John Wick: ...my dog?
(Lee looks at May and Ed playing with the dog, Maree twerking on Double D as he yells for John Wick to blow his brains out and Maree is like "oh don't worry babe, I can do that" "NOOOOOOOOO")
Lee: Fuck your dog... (They all gasp.)
Eddy: I LOVE IT! SHE'S A BAD-BITCH!
(Lee smirks and Edd mutters "Eddy, we're literally about to die, control yourself...)
(John Wick point-blank points a pistol at Lee's head, and she just sniffles without flinching.)
(Eddy hops in his tied up chair and falls over.)
Eddy: Please Mr. John Wick! Don't kill Lee! Kill Ed instead!
Ed: I'm going to Purgatory!
May: Didn't The Pope uncanonize that?
Ed: Hashtag not my Pope!
Eddy: She's a good woman Mr. Wick! I know a badass like you wouldn't get it, but... She makes me wanna be a better man. I wasn't gonna hurt your stupid dog I swear!
Edd: You two really were made for each other...
Eddy: I just wanted her to have the life she deserves. I mean yeah, I was a little embarrassed to tell the guys, given our history... But more so embarrassed with myself. I'm a screwup Mr. Wick. I try and I try, but I'm never gonna be Elon Musk, or you, I'm nobody... (Lee grabs his gun and points it at Eddy.)
Edd: Well that's a twist...
(May and Ed are eating popcorn.)
Maree: When did you all make popcorn?! Share!
Lee: You're a screwup?! You're nobody?! Are you suggesting little man... That I'm nobody?! I am Lee motherfucking Kanker and you will show me some God damn respect!
Eddy: I...literally just said me, i wasn't insulting you babe.
(Lee tears up and hugs Eddy still tied up.)
Lee: Men are so stupid I swear... When you say you're nobody, you're saying I'm nobody, cause guess what? This nobody only wants to be with you body!
Eddy: Oh... I didn't even think of that...
(She wipes tears.)
Lee: Of course you didn't. But I know one day your schemes will work. I don't care if I'm 90 years old when it happens. But i swear to God, if you ever stop being Eddy and giveup on yourself, I'll divorce you right now. I'll go sleep with John Wick over here.
John Wick: Please no.
Lee: Ok fine... Elon Musk.
Eddy: Like hell you will! Elon Musk has had more Teslas blow up in his face than my plans!
Edd: Ok, now we're really name dropping and I feel like we could get sued...
(Eddy slaps the rope with his massive tongue and the ropes unravel.)
Lee: Show me what that tongue can do boy!
(John Wick is carrying his dog.)
John Wick: I'll be taking my dog and leaving now...
Lee: Don't let the door hit your ass on the way out.
John Wick: Hey, Eddy was it?
Eddy: Yeah?
John Wick: How much would ten coin be worth in cash?
Eddy: I don't know... About 600k? I mean I haven't really had time to... (Tossed him a wad of cash.)
John Wick: That's around 400k. Buy the dip, and marry that girl.
(Eddy tears up.)
John Wick: But if you touch my dog again...
Ed: Can we come and visit him?!
John Wick: No...
(John Wick walks away and they all watch.)
Maree: You know...John Wick is kind of a dork.
(Credits roll, and at the end credits, John Wick's maid says someone took the dog again.)
John Wick: Who? What did he look like? (The maid hands his a cassette tape. He plays it, and it's Plank in a gritty boiler room like Jigsaw. Voice and all.)
Plank: Hello Johnny... I'd like to play a game...