The ceiling creaked as Sapphire slammed the door shut. Mike looked at it for a moment, before beginning to pack her things.
I turned to face him, anger coursing through me. "At least I'm trying to do something! Oh wow, Melanie set up a meeting. Get real, how likely is that to actually happen? You know what these systems are like! Sapphire's just going to get shoved to the bottom of the pile time and time again because she's got us to fall back on."
Mike stood up to face me, the anger clear on his face. "So bringing her here was a better idea was it?!"
"Doesn't seem I can do anything right anymore! You've got Melanie with her brains and her degree, that's all you need isn't it?! Been ramming it down my throat since the moment she got here!"
"Don't be ridiculous!"
"Well you'll be glad I'm leaving soon, I'll be out of your way so you can focus on your perfect new trainee. I can't wait to leave anyway!"
I opened the door and went out, slamming it myself behind me. As I stormed off down the corridor I heard a crash, and a cloud of dust came up behind me.
I stopped.
"Mike?"
There was no answer.
I turned around: he wasn't behind me. He was still inside. I ran to the door, banging it and calling his name, desperately trying to get inside.
It took me what felt like hours to get inside. I began to ram the door with my shoulder, and eventually felt some give. As I pushed the door open I took in the scene: debris everywhere from the ceiling collapsing. I looked up as I heard a groaning sound, to see something else ready to fall at any moment.
I scanned the room looking for Mike. As I spotted him I let his name out in almost a scream, rushing over and throwing things out of the way. Bits of wood and rubble landed on me, but I didn't care: I just had to get Mike out.
I paused for a moment as his eyes opened. "What happened?"
"The ceiling collapsed."
Mike processed for a moment. "You have to go, it's not safe."
I looked up at the hole and the looming hazard. We should have enough time to make it out if we were quick. "No, I'm not going without you."
"You have to get out of here, go on."
I began to move things off Mike and he cried out in pain.
"Right, I'm going to have to lift this up, and you're going to have to roll out." I tested the pole: it didn't seem to want to budge. "I can't, I can't seem to do it. Hang on."
I gave the pole a firm push, and it moved slightly.
"Right, when I say go. One, two, thr..."
As I moved the pole I felt the room shift. Debris began to fall from the ceiling, and then there was a loud groan.
I jumped back as a huge piece of the flat above came crashing down. A sharp pain suddenly appeared in my arm.
As the dust settled I took a moment to reassess. My painful arm was sporting a newly ripped jacket and was covered in blood. Mike was...
"Mike!"
He looked dead. Honestly he could have been. The weight was off him, having fallen to the side slightly, but his front was covered in blood. It wasn't even the right shape anymore, crushed and not moving. His head was covered in blood, also crushed. His whole being was just...
He wasn't dead. He couldn't be dead. Surely he wasn't dead.
I jumped into action. I lifted the pole with newfound strength and ripped it off him, then put my hands under his arms and began to drag him out. I had to get him away from this place if he had any chance of surviving.
I tripped as I pulled him backwards, falling onto a pile of sharp wood and other debris. My arm cried out in pain, but I kept going. I had to. We didn't have a choice at this point.
As I got into the hall I dropped Mike to the floor, getting onto my knees. I checked for a pulse, nothing. Breathing, nothing. I grabbed my phone out of my pocket , pressed the first number that came up, and then began CPR.
"Tracy, where the hell are you? Is Mike with you? You need to get back here right now!" Gina was clearly furious at my earlier plan.
"Mike, he's hurt, help."
"Hurt?" Gina's voice softened. "Where are you? Have you called an ambulance?"
"Sapphire's flat, and not yet."
"Can you put him on?"
"Just help! Please help!" Tears were beginning to stream down my cheeks, and I knew Gina would be able to hear them in my voice.
Gina was quiet for a moment. "Ok, I'll call an ambulance and I'll come over. Just try and stay calm until I get there, ok?"
"Please help."
"I am, Tracy, I am. I need to hang up so I can ring them. Ok?"
I pressed the button before saying another word, then continued Mike's CPR.
It didn't take long for Gina to get there. She ran into the flats as she saw us. Then she stopped.
"Tracy stop!"
"I have to keep going! He's not breathing, not got a pulse! I've got to keep him alive!"
"Tracy, he's dead!"
"No, he's not dead, he's not!"
"Just stop and look!"
"If I stop he'll die! I've got to keep going until the ambulance gets here!"
"Tracy, he's already dead! Can't you see that?!"
She came over and dragged me off Mike, forcing me to stop the CPR.
"Get off me! I need to help him!"
"Just look at him, Tracy!"
I stopped fighting for a moment. My hands were covered in blood. As I looked down I realised I hadn't been on Mike's chest. It was open.
"No, he, he can't be, he was ok, I, I was helping him, I was going to save his life..." As I trailed off I lay down, hugging Mike tight. I was being soaked in his blood but I didn't care. He couldn't be gone. If I willed it hard enough he'd start breathing, his heart would start beating, he'd be ok...
Gina was frozen for a moment. Then her face darkened with anger. "You're the reason he's lost it!" She pulled me up and pushed me against a wall. "You and your stupid Tracy Plans! Get away from him!"
"No, I, I..." I couldn't process what was happening. Mike couldn't be dead, he couldn't!
"He's dead. He's really dead. Not Mike..." Gina didn't seem able to believe it either. "Not Mike. So stupid to go running after you. He was always there when we needed him, no matter the cost."
Dizziness suddenly overcame me. I looked down to my arm, blood soaking my jacket and seeping into my jeans. I sank to the floor.
Gina looked in my direction.
"I think I'm going to pass out."
"Pass out?" Gina came over to me. "What's going on?"
"I just, I just need to sleep." I closed my eyes.
I bolted awake as Gina slapped me round the face.
"Get off me!"
"Don't you dare close your eyes. I'm not having you die on me as well."
"Just leave me alone." I closed my eyes again.
There was another slap. "I mean it, Tracy. You stay awake, at least until the ambulance gets here."
"But I'm..."
"I don't care. I do not care. You are staying alive, you hear me? You are staying awake and you are staying alive."
I sighed, nodding. My body felt so heavy, sleep felt so welcoming. I wanted to go and never come back...
I screamed as my arm was squeezed.
"Stay awake. Keep talking. About anything you want, I don't care. Just keep talking to me and stay awake."
"I want Mike back."
"What would he say if he was here?"
"He, he, I don't know. He was furious with me back there. I told him I was glad I was leaving so I'd be out of his way."
"We say things we don't mean in the heat of the moment."
"I told him I wasn't leaving without him. but I did. He didn't make it out. He didn't make it..."
"You tried your best."
"You said I killed him! And you're right!"
Gina sighed. "No, I was angry. I still am. Mike didn't deserve to go. He was an absolutely amazing man. But that doesn't mean... Wake up!"
"Just let me sleep!" My eyes filled with anger at yet another slap.
"Not, until, the, paramedics, get, here." Gina slapped my cheek with each word, obviously hoping the pain was going to be enough to keep me awake.
My eyes closed and stayed closed. I couldn't hold them open anymore.
I let out another scream as Gina added to the pain in my arm.
I heard quick footsteps coming towards us.
Gina called out to them. "We're over here. I need help, I think she's lost a lot of blood. I'm just trying to keep her awake."
"You called for a male?"
"Just help us. I'm not having both of them die."
They rushed over quickly. "What's her name?"
"Tracy." Gina gave me a shake as my eyes began to close again. "She needs blood. She's going to die as well."
"We are going to do our best not to let that happen." The man was already getting out a bag of blood, while the lady looked at my arm. "It's still trickling out." She grabbed a tourniquet and tightened it as much as she could, before grabbing a bandage and pressing it onto the wound. "Right, needle please."
The man passed over a needle.
She took the hand of my uninjured arm, adding a tourniquet there too. She quickly found somewhere to put the needle, and put it in. As she attached the bag of blood my eyes began to close again.
"Stay with us, Tracy. Not long now."
"I'm tired."
"I know. Just open your eyes, sweetheart. Open your eyes for Laura."
"I can't."
"Tracy, I am not telling the kids both of you have gone. Open your eyes. There's blood going in. You're going to be ok."
I fought to keep my eyelids open as Gina once again mentioned death. As much as I wanted to join Mike to avoid the painful reality, I knew I couldn't.
"Right, we'll just let that start to go in and then we'll get you in the ambulance." Laura was speaking to me. "Ross, can you go and check on..." She gestured over to Mike.
Ross went over to Mike. I couldn't see him clearly from where I was sitting, but I knew what Ross was looking at. It had been sharp, the thing above us. It had cut through Mike's shirt, straight through his chest, and into his organs. The weight of the rest of it had crushed his ribs, breaking them off. The mark on his face showed it had also hit there, one side of his face no longer the right shape. He would have been killed instantly. I hadn't realised the blood trail leading out of the flat, the speed he'd bled out killing him if the blow hadn't have.
Ross felt for a pulse. "No, I'm so sorry." He looked at his watch. "Time of death..."
"No! No, no, no, no, no!"
I began to scream. Mike being pronounced dead was it, that was final. All logic and common sense went out of the window as I desperately tried to believe there was still a chance. I pushed myself up, needing to go over to him.
"Tracy." Gina took hold of me. "Come on, sit down. You're not well. You've lost a lot of blood, you need to take it easy."
"But Mike...!"
"Mike wouldn't want you to hurt yourself for him."
"I want Mike back."
Gina suddenly seemed to lose patience. "Well then maybe you should have stayed away from the boarded up flat like he asked you to!"
I fought, anger coursing through my own body as well as Gina's. As I tried to get away she held me tighter.
"No you don't! I have just spent the last ten minutes keeping you alive. You are not going anywhere until you've got enough blood back in you."
"Let me go!"
Gina held onto me.
"I want to see Mike! Please let me see him!"
Gina sighed in frustration, before she let me go. Almost immediately I fell to my knees, not having the strength to stand. I crawled over to him, Ross giving me some space.
I'd have given anything to rest my head on Mike's chest one last time, but it wasn't there anymore. I rested on his shoulder instead. Laura went to make her way over to me, but Gina held her back. I closed my eyes for a second, just taking Mike in as I'd always remembered him, before I opened them again. I sat up, taking his hand, remembering as always how much bigger it was than mine, how often it had protected me from harm.
"I'm so sorry." Until now I had been tearless. But holding Mike's hand as I could feel it going cold finally allowed it to sink in that he was really gone. I gave his hand a kiss as the tears fell.
I stayed there for a moment longer, before I went back over to Gina. "Go and say goodbye."
Gina gave me an incredulous look.
She was confusing me, scaring me even. One minute she was kind and loving, the next full of hatred for me. Then again I supposed that was what grief did to you, especially with a death like this.
Regardless of her feelings towards me, Gina did go over to say goodbye to Mike. I watched her as the blood began to flow back into my system. I was feeling better, more alert, already. She came back a few moments later, tear stains on her face too.
Laura looked over to Ross. "Should we get her in and then send another team in?"
Ross nodded.
"Right, if you just wait here while we get the stretcher, I don't want you walking just yet." Laura and Ross left to go to the ambulance.
Gina looked to me. The anger in her eyes was strong. Then she sighed, taking my hand. "There's no use being angry at you is there? It won't bring Mike back, it won't fix anything. You were only trying to help."
"I wish you'd decided that before you hit me." I rubbed one of my cheeks, still stinging from Gina's slaps.
Gina looked at me closely. "That was to keep you alive, Tracy. I knew if you closed your eyes you'd fall asleep and never wake up. I'm sorry, I know it wasn't ideal, but I couldn't think of anything else."
I looked to the bag of blood. It was going in fairly quickly, trying to get my level back to where I could at least function.
"I don't think I would have coped with losing you too."
I looked up at Gina. There were fresh tears in her eyes. "I'm so sorry."
"You're paying a higher price than me Tracy, and I know that. I'm sorry it happened too."
"Yeah, I'll have that guilt for the rest of my life."
"Not the guilt. I know how close you and Mike were. I know it's going to hit you like a tonne of bricks at some point. And I wish you didn't have to go through that."
Suddenly I remembered something. I'd been planning on telling Mike that he'd been like a father over all these years. I'd been trying to find a good moment all week, but something had always come up, or he'd seemed off. Now I was never going to get the chance to tell him.
The bricks hit.
I began to scream, filling the flat block with cries of pain. I felt someone trying to hold me, and I wriggled free of their grasp. The only person I wanted to hold me was Mike, and he couldn't do that anymore.
Mike was dead and he never knew. I never told him how much he meant to me. I'd been so selfish, wanting to choose a meaningful time, when I should have told him immediately. And I couldn't tell him now because I was the reason he was dead.
I was the reason he was dead.
He was dead because of me.
Because of me.
Me...
"Tracy, breathe." Gina's voice broke through my spiralling thoughts.
He's dead because of me. He's dead because of me. He's dead because of..."
"Breathe!" Gina gave me a violent shake. "Tracy, you are not going to die on me now!"
I snapped back to the real world for a moment, taking a breath. I looked up at Gina.
"Just keep breathing. You need oxygen."
I nodded.
"Right, we need to get you on here." Laura was back with Ross and a stretcher. "Can you stand for a moment?"
Ross helped my up and sat me on the stretcher. I lay down. I looked over to Mike, knowing this was the last time I'd ever see him.
"Right, are we ready to go? Anything here you need to bring?"
"I'm not going back in the flat for Sapphire's things."
"Come on then." The stretcher was wheeled out of the flat block, leaving Mike behind. Gina walked with me, taking my hand. I was loaded into the ambulance.
Gina hesitated getting in.
"Are you coming?"
"I need to get back to the kids. I told Melanie I wouldn't be long. They deserve to know what's happened."
"Not until I get back."
"Tracy, we don't know how long you'll be in hospital."
"They could do with some good news before you give them that bad news."
"I can't lie to them."
I sighed. "No, you're right. You have to tell them, they deserve to know." I paused for a moment. "Can you ring Cam please? I think you'll worry her less than me."
"Of course. I'll tell her to meet you there."
"Thank you."
Ross shut the doors to the ambulance, and I lost sight of Gina. My head was spinning, and I felt so lost without her.
I hoped Cam would be quick.
"Tracy!"
I turned my head at Cam's voice. She'd gotten to the hospital quicker than I'd thought, and spotted me coming in.
"Cam!"
She rushed over, taking my hand. "What happened? Gina said a ceiling collapsed on you and Mike! Are you ok? Is he ok?"
"I..." I burst into tears. "Mike's dead."
Cam's eyes widened. "Dead?"
"This, this, I don't even know what it was, landed on him. He's gone and it's all my fault."
"Hey hey hey." Cam took hold of me as we stopped in a bay, holding me close. "It's not your fault. You didn't hurt him on purpose."
"But I should never have gone there!"
"He chose to go in after you. It's not your fault, Tracy. It is not your fault."
I sobbed into her shirt. She held me tightly.
"I just want to be able to bring him back!"
"I know." Cam began to gently rub my back. "I know. I'd do anything to make that happen."
I cried in her arms. I could hear Cam beginning to cry too. She'd known Mike almost as long as I had, and I knew she loved him for the way he cared for me. I could feel her heart breaking too as the news sank in.
"Tracy, would I be able to talk for you a minute please?"
I turned my head as a doctor entered the room. "Just leave me alone."
"Tracy." Cam's voice had a hint of sternness to it. "Come on, you need to get better. Mike wouldn't want you delaying treatment because of him."
I gave a shaky sigh, then nodded, pulling away from Cam. Other people speaking Mike's wishes was helpful in keeping me well, but at the same time was a very painful reminder that he wasn't here to tell me himself.
"We need to stitch up your arm, and give you another blood transfusion." The bag of blood was almost empty. "I'd like to do that now if that's ok."
I looked to Cam anxiously. She gave me a reassuring smile.
"Ok."
The doctor left, then came back a few minutes later with what she needed. She pulled the bandage back, then held up a needle.
"Sharp scratch."
We went back to Elm Tree after I'd been discharged later that evening. I'd had a text from Gina that she'd told the kids, but other than that I hadn't heard from her. I knew I needed to be here though, for the kids.
I was barely in the door when Johnny flew at me, pushing me to the ground. He began to hit me, seemingly trying to pound me into a pulp.
I fought back, crying out in pain as I tried to use my arm. It had finally started to hurt now the shock and adrenaline was wearing off. "Johnny, stop! You're hurting me!"
"Good! You killed Mike!"
Cam had been trying to pull him off, but was useless against him.
Gina came rushing towards us and dragged him away. "Johnny! What on earth do you think you're doing?!"
"Tracy killed Mike!"
"I hate to say it, but he's right." Elektra came into the hall. "If Sapphire hadn't have been so desperate to get her flat back..."
"It wasn't my idea to go in there!"
"Sure it wasn't. Didn't you say you were going to try and squat?"
Sapphire launched at Elektra. Gina tried to prize them apart.
Gus pushed through them. "Stop arguing! Tracy killed Mike, she's who we should be angry with!"
It felt like all the kids were ganging up on me. I could see them coming out of the living room, the loudest voices claiming it was my fault, despite others telling them it had been an accident. The voices got louder and louder, closer and closer.
I let out a scream. A scream of grief and despair and terror and death. It echoed around the house, drowning out everything else.
The kids fell silent.
I shakily got to my feet. "I know it was my fault, ok! I know it was! But that's not going to bring Mike back! You can be as angry as you like but please..." I sank to the floor as Cam came to my side. "Just leave me alone." Tears began to roll down my cheeks. "I tried to save him, I promise I did." I reached into my hair and pulled out some flakes of dried blood, clearly missed when Cam had cleaned me off at the hospital. "I promise I tried to save him."
"Tracy nearly died too." Gina's voice was quiet and a little shaky. "I fought to keep her alive. I didn't want you to worry earlier so I didn't tell you, but she was very close. She nearly died trying to save Mike." Tears began to roll down her cheeks too. "I know you're all angry. But Mike would want us to pull together, not fight. We need to be kind, for him."
There were nods going round the room.
"Did you really nearly die?" Carmen spoke up, though it was barely a whisper.
"I lost a lot of blood. We were lucky the paramedics arrived when they did."
"Are you ok now?"
"I was."
Tee came over. It was rare to see Tee angry, but as she grabbed Johnny and spun him to face her I could see it in her eyes. "Look what you've done! You could have really hurt Tracy!"
"No, it's not his fault, he had a right to be angry." I slumped onto Cam. The day was finally catching up with me, the stress and the injury and the grief.
Gina came over to look at me. "Tracy, look at me. Are you ok? Do you need to go back to hospital?"
I looked at her, the pain in my eyes clear. "I want Mike."
There was a sniffle from behind me from Lily. Then one from Tyler. I could see Sapphire and Johnny losing the battle with tears. With Cam's help I went over to the sofa, and instructed the kids to sit in front of me.
"I know losing Mike is really hard. That's why I came back today. Because I understand. We haven't just lost a care worker, we've lost..." I trailed off. I wasn't sure I could bring myself to say the words.
"Someone who loves us."
"Someone who cares for us."
"Who protects us."
"Keeps us safe."
"Helps us when we needs it."
"Looks after us."
"Wants what's best for us."
"A friend." One by one the kids gave a quality of Mike's, before Harry finished.
"Mike was family," Tee argued.
I closed my eyes for a moment. "Mike was our dad."
The room fell silent.
"We've lost our dad. Even for those of us who have dads, Mike was a father figure. He guided us and fought for us and did everything else you said. Because he was our dad."
There were looks of agreement. The kids began to support each other, Johnny holding Tee, Carmen holding Lily, Tyler holding Rick, Sapphire holding Harry. I pushed myself onto the floor so I was level with them.
"I'm so sorry for what I did. I know I shouldn't have gone to the flat, that if I'd listened to Mike he'd still be here now. And I know I can't do much to make it better. But I know he always offered a hug in times like this, so if anyone..."
I couldn't finish my sentence before a pile was formed. All the kids bundled together around me, all of us hugging one another. We stayed there for a while, the love flowing through us to one another, the healing beginning.
As they finally pulled away I spoke. "Mike would be so proud of you. Of you all. I know it's going to be hard, but if you can show each other love and compassion instead of anger we can all get through this."
"What about you?" Frank's voice was quiet. "It's your last day. You're going to leave us as well."
I looked to Gina. "If you'll have me..."
"You're not going anywhere."
I gave her a grateful smile. She was at least acting head care worker, though whether she was going to actually take on the role I wasn't sure. No one was going to be able to replace Mike, that was for sure.
"I think it's time for bed." Gina looked at her watch. "I'd like you all to try and sleep. If you can't then as an exception for tonight you can stay up as long as you are in pyjamas." She looked around the room. "If doors are left open I don't care who sleeps where, if you need a sibling or a friend that's fine by me. If you need someone to talk to I'll be here, please come and wake me up." She looked to me. "Tracy will be..."
"I, I don't know yet."
Cam put a hand on my shoulder. "I'd like to stay here if you wouldn't mind." She looked to the kids. "I'm here too. I know you don't all know me as well, but I've fostered for a number of years and I knew Mike well. If I'm here you can come and wake me, if not I'll leave my number on the notice board, and you can ring me if you need to chat."
"We're staying." I gave Cam a smile, admiring her kindness. There was a reason I'd chosen her to be my mum.
"Then me and Cam are on night duty." She gave the kids a meaning look. "Tracy is not to be woken. She needs to sleep in order to heal."
"But..." I tried to argue.
"No arguments!" Gina was fierce. "If you are awake, fine. I am not going through what I went through today again because you want to try and help and stay up all night. You are to rest."
I shrank back into the sofa slightly, but nodded. I knew just how unwell I was, and there wasn't much point having to go back to hospital.
"Right, go on, up you go."
The kids went upstairs at Gina's command.
"I need to go and get some of our things. Are you ok here for a few minutes?" Cam stood up and looked to me.
"I'll be ok."
Cam gave me a smile, before she left.
"Where are you sleeping?" Gina turned to me after she'd gone.
"I don't know. I don't know that I will sleep much."
"Do you want one of the bedrooms? I'm happy to move if you want a bed tonight."
"I, I..." I couldn't think straight. I was exhausted, yet thoughts were racing through my mind. I felt wide awake, yet too exhausted to move.
"I'll get the camp bed out in case." She gave me a smile, then left.
I waited a moment, before I followed her upstairs. The going was slow, but I wanted to find something. I opened the door to the spare bedroom.
Johnny dropped what he was holding.
I gave him a sad smile. "Had the same idea as me." I picked up a shirt of Mike's off the floor. "What else is in there?"
Johnny emptied the drawer onto the bed. Two shirts, two t-shirts, and a pyjama top were all that looked useful.
I picked them up. "Gather everyone into the living room could you?" Seeing his face I gave him a reassuring smile. "I'm not angry. I'm going to give them out. I just need to know who wants them so we can make it fair. You'll get something to take, I promise."
Johnny left to get the others as I made my way to the living room.
"Right." I laid the items on the table as the kids began to file in. "I went to get something of Mike's as comfort for tonight, and realised I probably wasn't the only one who might need it. So, can you put your hand up if you'd like something to hold?"
Hands went up from Johnny, Tyler, Carmen, Tee, Lily, Harry and Frank. From the back Elektra's hand went up briefly, then shot back down. I gave her a nod to show she'd been seen.
"Right..." I counted the hands. "Nine." I took some scissors, my hands shaking.
Sapphire came forward. "Let me." She cut along the seams of the clothes, turning the t-shirts, pyjama top, and one of the shirts into two. Everyone who wanted one took one, except Elektra.
"There's one spare. We could have left the shirt," said Rick.
"Cam wants one," I said quickly. "Right, well, I hope you all can get some sleep. I'll be around if I'm needed, despite Gina." I gave them a reassuring smile.
The kids smiled back as they began to leave. Elektra hung back, then snatched a piece of clothing.
"You ok?"
"Not really."
"You know, no one would have said anything."
She sighed. "I just didn't want to do that tonight."
I gave her a smile. She gave me a smile back, before she left.
I picked up Mike's shirt, breathing in its scent. It was a familiar smell, one of comfort and love. Tears splashed onto it.
Gina came in. "What's going on? I've just seen the kids going upstairs with cut up t-shirts"
"They wanted something of Mike's to sleep with. I found his spares."
Gina gave a sad smile. "I suppose they're more use that way now."
Silence filled the room.
"I've got the camp bed out. But you can sleep where you want."
"I know, thank you."
Just then we heard Cam coming in. We headed out into the hall. She was carrying a couple of bags. "I've got your things here, Tracy. Should we take them upstairs?"
I nodded.
"You're in the spare, Tracy," said Gina.
"Thank you."
I showed Cam upstairs to the bedroom. She put the bags down before helping me to get changed, getting my top off and pyjamas on proving difficult. I finished changing and then went to leave.
"Hey." Cam put her hand on my shoulder. "You not going to bed?"
I shook my head. "I can't. Not tonight."
"You need to sleep, Trace. You're not well."
"I'm gonna sleep downstairs. I'll be ok."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"No, you have the bed."
"Ok." Cam looked at me worriedly. "Come and find me if you need me, Tracy. I'm your mum first and foremost."
I gave her a smile, the left the room, Mike's shirt in hand. I made my way downstairs, having an idea of where to sleep.
I was hoping it was open.
To my relief the office door wasn't locked, Gina clearly forgetting with everything else going on. I quietly shut the door behind me, then curled up under Mike's desk.
I needed to be close to him tonight, and this was the best place I could think of. It also allowed me to hide away from the world, which was well needed at the moment.
In the calm of the space it wasn't long before I was sound asleep.
"Tracy. Tracy, wake up, sweetheart."
I slowly opened my eyes. There was a soft light on, and Cam and Gina were looking worriedly at me.
"What're you doing under there?" Cam asked.
"Just leave me alone." I curled up, hiding my face in Mike's shirt.
"Tracy, you can't sleep on a hard floor like that. It's not good for you."
"Just let me sleep!"
Gina's voice interrupted our conversation. "Babes, did you just want to be with Mike?"
I nodded, tears coming to my eyes.
Gina sighed. "You're not going to move, are you?"
"Not unless it's close to Mike."
Gina thought for a moment. "Can I get you some cushions? Just to make you more comfortable?"
"You can if you want."
Gina left. Cam began to stroke my hair.
"We were looking all over for you. I was worried something had happened."
"I'm fine."
"You're curled up under a desk, Tracy. You're clearly not fine."
"Just leave me alone."
"Would you not come with me? We can snuggle down if you want someone close. I checked on some of the kids, they're all curled up together."
"No, you should be here for the kids, not me."
Cam sighed. "It's not your fault. Mike wouldn't be blaming you."
"It is my fault. I went there, I slammed the door, I moved the pole, I jumped back instead of protecting him. It was all my fault."
"Good thing you jumped back. You would have been killed as well."
"I wish I had been."
"And who would have been here for the kids this evening? How would Gina have felt walking in to see both of you gone? How do you think I would have coped?"
Tears came to my eyes. "I just want Mike back. I want my dad back."
I began to sob. Cam tried to take hold of me but I pushed her away. I needed space.
Gina came back with the cushions. "Right, Tracy, if you want to..."
"Just leave me alone!" My arm was hurting, my heart was hurting, and I'd had enough. Mike wasn't coming back no matter what I did, and I couldn't take it anymore.
"I'm just trying to..."
"Just stop!" My sobs were becoming more erratic, my breathing more irregular. "I want Mike. I want Mike, I want...
"Tracy, you're having a panic attack. Just slow your breathing for me." Cam's steady voice came through the turmoil.
"I can't, I can't, I..." I could no longer speak, my breathing taking over. As my chest heaved I could only think of one thing:
Mike was here last time. Now he's gone. He's gone, he's gone, he's gone, he's...
"Tracy, breathe, please." I could hear the worry in Cam's voice. "Breathe for me."
I gripped Mike's shirt tightly. As I looked at it I realised with horror that it was the same one he'd been wearing the day I'd had my first of these here.
Then a strange calmness came over me.
Maybe the fact that this was the same shirt meant he was still with me. That he was looking down on me. That he didn't want me to suffer.
I settled almost instantly. I kept holding the shirt tight, it providing a comfort I didn't know it was capable of.
"Can I make you a bed, Tracy?" Gina asked gently. "I think you could do with a lie down."
I moved out from under the desk as Gina placed down the cushions for me. When she was finished I crawled back in and curled up, my eyes closing.
"I'm staying." Cam put her hand back on me.
I pushed her off. "I want to be on my own."
"I'd feel more comfortable if I were with you."
"I don't think you should be alone either," said Gina. "That was scary."
"Just leave me alone. Please."
Cam sighed. "Ok. Please come and get us if you need us."
"I will."
I closed my eyes again as Cam and Gina left. They turned out the light, putting the room back into darkness.
That was when the tears came. I began to sob uncontrollably, thoughts of Mike's broken body beginning to plague me. His open chest, the blood on my hands as I'd tried to save him, the blood covering the rest of me as I gave him one last hug. There had been so much blood today...
I was sure these images would haunt me for a long time.
I couldn't sleep. I wanted Mike's arms around me, holding me tight and safe. The tears continued to fall as I struggled to get the images out of my head to no avail.
I no longer wanted to be alone. I didn't want to go to Cam: she was going to fuss too much. I wanted to go to one of the kids, someone also alone who needed a friend.
Carmen had Lily, Tee had Johnny, Sapphire had Harry. I was sure Frank would be with Tyler and Rick. I would have chosen Jody but I'd been told about her breathing fear, and didn't want to make tonight any more difficult for her. And Gus certainly wouldn't want to be disturbed.
That just left...
I crept into Elektra's room. Sapphire as I'd suspected was with Harry, leaving the room big and empty. Elektra looked at me as I entered, clearly not asleep.
"Is there any room?" I whispered.
Elektra got up, pushing Sapphire's bed over to meet hers. Then she lay back down.
I joined her, curling into a ball.
She took my hand. "I'm sorry for what I said earlier. It wasn't your fault, and I shouldn't have blamed Sapphire either."
Tears came to my eyes. "It definitely was my fault. And you had every right to be angry." I pushed myself up. "It's ok, I'll go."
Elektra put an arm round me to hold me down. "No, it's ok, you can stay."
I could see by the look in her eyes just how important it was to her that I didn't leave.
I lay back down. Images began to plague me once more. I whimpered slightly as I saw Mike's body being crushed.
Elektra gave my hand a squeeze. "It was that bad?"
"You, you didn't see him."
"It'll be ok."
I settled down. I hugged Mike's shirt tight with one hand, the other still firmly in Elektra's. I could feel it wasn't long before she fell asleep. I smiled sadly, knowing that the hard exterior she put out was all a front, and that in reality she was just a scared girl wanting to be loved.
I saw myself in her. Though there was a certain one person who had broken down that hard exterior over the years...
I released Elektra's hand as fresh tears came, not wanting to wake her. I cried until my chest hurt. I cried and cried and cried until I was barely conscious.
As my eyes were closing there was a shadow in the doorway. A figure came in, clearly trying to work out who the new arrival was. As they saw my shaking body and heard my sniffles they lay down next to me. Silently they took my hand and gave it a squeeze.
I knew it was Cam as soon as she touched me. I squeezed her hand back, tears still escaping.
"Shh. Shh. Shh."
Cam's gentle shushing was soothing. I closed my eyes, the exhaustion finally overtaking me.
It wasn't long before I was asleep.
I woke to Gina stroking my hair. Elektra's room was still dark where the curtains were drawn, but I could see light coming from under the door.
"Gina? What're you doing here? Where are the kids? What time is it?"
"Cam and Melanie are with the kids, it's just gone ten, we're having a very free day today, do what you like, eat when you feel able, chores gone. I had a couple of nightmares and just wanted to spend some time with you."
"Nightmares?"
Gina sighed. "I don't think you realise what you were like yesterday. You were so close to going..." Tears came to her eyes.
Tears came to my own. "I think I've been having flashbacks."
Gina's face softened. "Oh Tracy. Elektra said you were struggling. And Cam said you were soaked with tears when she found you."
"I just can't get those images out of my head."
"Nor I of you." Gina took my hand, then gestured for a hug. "Can I?"
I pushed myself up, resting myself on her and settling into her arms.
"You're ok. You're ok. You're still here."
"I'm still here. I'm not going anywhere."
"I wanted to hold you yesterday but you were all over the place. I was all over the place. I just wanted to hold you to reassure myself you were safe."
"I am safe. They stitched me up and put blood back in. I'm not going."
Gina gave me a squeeze and held me tight. I could feel her worry lessening by the moment, knowing I was truly ok.
We stayed in each others' arms for a while before Gina pulled away.
"I'd better get back to the kids. Can I send Cam up? She's been quite worried."
"Of course."
Gina gave my shoulder a squeeze. "Thank you."
"What for?"
Gina stood up, going to the door. "You know what for."
Before I could ask again she was gone.
I gave a small smile. I could probably work out what it was I was being thanked for. I think my talk to the kids last night had been helpful, and I knew I'd gotten Elektra off to sleep. Despite being very ill myself I'd been there for them, making sure that...
My thoughts were interrupted by Cam scooping me into a hug. I settled into her arms.
"Tracy, how are you feeling? Are you ok? I've been so worried about you. How's your arm? Did you sleep ok? Elektra said you were struggling, and then when I came in you..."
"I'm ok," I interrupted. "Well, I'm not ok, but I'm still here."
Cam hugged me tight. "You must have cried for a long time last night. Your pillow was soaked."
"It felt like hours."
"I think it was hours. I didn't come to find you for a while."
"Thank you, that you did."
Cam gave me a squeeze. "Honestly it helped me too, knowing I was with you. I think we all needed someone last night."
Comfortable silence filled the air. We stayed in the big for a few moments more before Cam pulled away.
She looked at me closely. "Gina said she had some nightmares. Did you sleep ok?"
I sighed. "I think I had some flashbacks."
"Oh Trace." Cam's face fell. "Can you talk to me about them?"
"I, I just keep seeing Mike. There was just so much blood, his chest was just, gone."
Cam didn't seem to know what to say. "I, I'm so sorry, Tracy. I'm so sorry you're going through that."
I gave her a small smile.
"Did you want to come down for something to eat? Nothing's really scheduled today. Well, apart from for Gus, it's very important he has his routine."
"I think I'll go for a shower first. I need to wash my hair."
"Ok. You go to the bathroom, I'll get your things."
I went to the bathroom as Cam went to get my wash bag and some clothes. She met me there, handing me what I needed.
"Call me if you need anything. Anything at all."
"I will, thank you."
I locked the door after Cam left and got into the shower. As I turned the water on it began to run red. Red ran all over my body, Mike's blood flowing down from my hair. I hadn't realised just how much of it there was.
It was too much.
I began to scream his name, sinking to the ground as I did so. All I could see was his body as I desperately tried to save him, the blood covering my hands, my arms, everywhere. I called his name louder and louder, trying to bring him back to me. As I realised it was no use I curled up beside him, still repeating his name over and over. He was gone, he was gone, he was really gone...
I felt a towel being wrapped around me and someone holding me firmly. "Tracy, it's Cam. You're at Elm Tree. You're safe. Come back to us, sweetheart. Just come back. Open your eyes, darling. Look at me. Just look at me."
I slowly opened my eyes. Cam gave me a smile, though her eyes were full of worry.
"What happened?" My voice was hoarse, my throat hurting with each word.
"I think you had a flashback, Trace. You were screaming for Mike."
"He, he was here. His blood was on me."
Cam looked around the bath we were sitting in. "You must have had more in your hair than you thought. I can see it."
I looked too. Spots of red marked the usually white bath.
"Can I wash your hair for you, Tracy? I don't want to leave you on your own."
I nodded. To be honest I didn't want to be alone either.
Cam gently let go of me, stepping out of the bath. She took the shower head. "Close your eyes, Trace. I don't want you to open them until it's gone. I just need to get rid of it."
I did as I was told. I felt Cam gently wet my hair, then lather in some shampoo. I could feel her carefully massaging my scalp, loosening the build up of goodness knows what was in there after yesterday. Then she rinsed me off, running her hands through my hair to remove the suds.
"You can open your eyes."
I blinked a couple of times. The traces of red were gone. My hair felt lighter, better.
"Can I just swap you for another towel? The one you've got isn't clean."
Cam passed me another towel and pulled the first one off me. I wrapped it around myself.
"Do you want me to help you with the rest, or would you rather be left alone?"
I turned to face her. "If you wouldn't mind helping. I'm not sure how well I can reach anyway."
Cam gave me a smile, before she got out some conditioner. She gently brushed it through my hair, untangling any knots and making sure it was all covered. She then handed me the soap, turning her back to give me some privacy. Once I was finished she rinsed me off, then gently dried my hair. She handed me another towel to dry myself.
"Are you ok?"
"I think so." I gave her a smile. "Thank you."
She gave me a smile back. "That's what mums are for." She looked into my eyes. "You look exhausted, Trace. Do you want to go back to sleep? Do you want me to get your pyjamas?"
"No, I, I'd like to get dressed. I'm assuming you brought something comfortable anyway?"
Cam handed me a pile of clothes. There were leggings instead of my usual jeans, a soft long sleeved top, and a stretchy cardigan as opposed to some of my more fitted ones. Tears came to my eyes.
"Hey, don't cry. Like I said, it's what mums are for."
I began to sob. I sank to the ground, pulling the towel tight around me.
"Oh Tracy." Cam put her arms around me and held me close. "It's ok. It's ok."
I cried in her arms for what felt like hours. She held me gently but tightly. I held her just as tight.
"There, there was something I was going to tell Mike, before he died." I sniffled. "I never got the chance to."
"What was it?" Cam gently tucked a strand of hair behind my ear.
"I, I wanted to tell him that he'd been been a dad to me."
Cam gave a sad smile. "He knew, Tracy. Believe me, he knew."
"How do you know? He might not have."
"Well, first of all, I know that I knew I was your mum much before you told me. It was lovely to hear it, but I didn't need to. Second..."
"What is it?" I asked as Cam trailed off.
Cam sighed. "He, on the phone the other day, he let it slip. He said you leaving felt like a child moving out."
"Kids leave here all the time. That must have been what he meant."
Cam didn't reply.
"Cam?"
She looked me in the eyes. "I, I don't know if this is a good idea to do now. I don't want to upset you."
"Just tell me. Please."
"Ok." Cam took my hand. "He said I was lucky I was getting to keep you, that he was going to miss having his daughter around."
"Daughter?"
"He was your dad through and through, Tracy. I'm sure it would have meant the world to him to hear it from you, but he knew how much you loved him. He didn't go thinking you didn't care."
I sniffled. "He tried to get me out before the second collapse. He was stuck and still he tried to push me out. I told him I wasn't leaving without him."
"I know it was an awful, awful death, and one we wouldn't wish it on anyone. But you tried to save him, Trace. And he knew that."
I snuggled into Cam for a moment as more tears fell. She held me close, keeping me safe.
As I pulled away she looked at me. "Can I help you get dressed? Then we can go somewhere more comfortable?"
I nodded, retrieving the pile. Cam helped me with the top, helping me get it on my arm without pulling the stitches out.
When I was dressed we stood up and went downstairs to go and find the others.
"Tracy," Gina greeted me as we entered the kitchen. "Are you ok? I heard screaming."
"She had a flashback." Cam put her arm round me. "I think we need to look into therapy."
"Leave it with me, we've got a list we use for the kids if they need it." Gina gave me a smile. "Do you think you could have something to eat? I was going to do lunch soon for those that wanted it."
"I don't know."
"Would you be able to try, for me?" asked Cam. "You need to eat in order to heal."
"I can try."
Cam gave me a smile. "Try is all you need to do."
I gave her a smile back. "I'm going to go to the living room. I need to lie down for a bit."
"Do you want me to come with you?"
"I'll be ok."
I left to go to the living room. Some of the kids were in there already, the TV on in the background. I spotted a seat on the sofa and curled up in it.
"Are you ok?" Carmen was curled up on the other sofa with Lily.
"Just about."
"Is there anything we can do? We heard you screaming."
"No, I..." Tears came to my eyes. "I'm ok. I just need time."
Carmen gave me a sad smile.
I rested my head on the arm of the sofa, my body filled with exhaustion from the episode. Lunch didn't sound like it was going to be immediate, so I was sure I had some time to rest before it.
Just had to take one moment at a time for now. One moment by one moment.
I drifted off to sleep.
"Tracy, sweet, wake up. Lunch is ready."
I opened my eyes to Cam knelt on the floor side me. I felt a little better for my sleep, but was still exhausted.
"Gina insisted I wake you and you get some food in." She gave me a smile. "How're you feeling?"
"Ok, I think. I can try something to eat." I sat up, wincing slightly at the stiffness of my muscles.
Cam helped me up, and we made our way to the kitchen. Some of the kids were there, and I say next to Tee as Gina put a sandwich in front of me.
"Eat what you can," she said gently. "We've got plenty of food, if you want something else instead that's fine. I'm juggling about six different meals and requests at the moment, one more will be no trouble."
I looked to the sandwich. It was only one slice of bread as opposed to my usual two, but even that felt like too much. I nibbled at the corner, the bread tasting like cardboard, sticking to the roof of my mouth. I couldn't swallow.
"Hey." Cam had clearly noticed me struggling. "You ok?"
I finally managed to get the tiny piece down, past the lump in my throat. "I'm not really hungry."
"That's ok. Do you want something else?"
"I want to lie down."
Cam looked worriedly to Gina.
I stood up, going to the quiet room. Memories were beginning to come to me, comforting memories, and I knew where I wanted to be.
I rearranged some cushions, as Mike had done for me all those months ago. I rested on them, relaxing slightly.
I closed my eyes. I could see his face, remember the worry I'd seen, then the calmness as I'd finally felt safe to cry. I opened them, and he wasn't there.
Tears began to stream down my face as more than a memory. And the ache in my chest wasn't from a panic attack this time.
"Mike," I whispered. "Mike."
I began to repeat his name over and over, just being able to say it releasing some of the pain. I began to slip out of consciousness and into sleep, though I couldn't quite shake the grip keeping me awake.
I faintly recognised Cam coming in, taking my hand. She gave it a gentle squeeze.
"Tracy, it's Cam. Do you know where you are?"
"I want Mike."
"I know you do. I know you do."
"I want Mike!"
"I know. It's ok. Shh. Shh."
Images began to fill my head as they had last night. The ceiling collapsing, dragging Mike out determined that he was still alive, performing CPR for what felt like hours while I waited for Gina, her dragging me off and telling me he was dead. He was dead. He was dead. He was...
I screamed. I screamed until I ran out of breath, then screamed again. I kept screaming and screaming until I felt hands restraining me and I could scream no more.
"Easy." Finally Gina's voice broke through my turmoil. "Easy, Tracy. We've got you. You're ok."
"I want Mike."
"I know. I know."
Images began to cloud my mind again. At the time my brain seemed to have blocked out what I could see during the CPR, what Gina could see the moment she walked in and how she knew my attempts were futile. But suddenly I could see it all. My hands were there, trying to save him, mangling things further, doing nothing to help...
"Get me out of here! Get me out! Help!"
It seemed that was a request that could finally be met. I was pulled upright and thrown back into the sofa. I came back to the real world with a jolt.
Cam, Gina and Melanie all looked relieved.
"You're back with us," said Gina softly. "You're ok."
"I, I don't know what's happening." My voice was shaky and weak.
To my surprise it was Melanie that answered. "You've got PTSD. You keep having flashbacks. I had a friend who developed it. You just need to take it easy, and get in touch with a professional."
"I'll ring round this afternoon," said Gina.
Cam still looked quite worried. "Can I stay with you, Tracy? Can we go upstairs and I can lie with you? I don't want you alone.
"I, I don't want to be on my own either."
Cam gave me a small smile. "Come on then."
We went upstairs together. I opened door to the staff bedroom and collapsed onto the bed. Cam joined me, putting an arm over me and holding my hand.
"Go to sleep, Tracy. You'll be ok. But right now you just need to rest."
I curled up, and gave a small sigh.
Can gave my hand a squeeze. "That's it. Settle down. Think calm."
I did as I was told. With Cam next to me I was able to relax, knowing I was safe, knowing my mum was here.
"Gina will go through her list of therapists this afternoon. We'll find you someone to talk to, so you can carry on as normal. I promise, everything will be ok."
I believed Cam. It was going to be a long road, I was sure, but I knew I had my family around me, and that with their help I could get through anything.
With for once a comforting thought in my head, and a last hand squeeze from Cam, I peacefully drifted into sleep.
"It's been a while since I've done this. Let's get on with it!"
It was the first anniversary of Mike's death. A year since he'd left us. And I had an idea of how to mark it.
My arm had healed nicely, but had left a scar, a painful reminder of that day. So here I was at a tattoo parlour, getting it covered.
The tattooist gave me a smile. "Always nice to have an eager client!"
I gave a smile back. "This one's especially important."
He nodded. I'd told him while designing the pattern what it was for, and he'd really gone the extra mile, making sure it was perfect.
He began to work. I watched as the ink went into my skin, a name slowly appearing.
Mike.
It was only fitting that he covered the scar.
Speaking of which, I was now in therapy. It had taken a while to find someone I'd clicked with, but with Gina's help I now had someone who got me, who was really able to help. Flashbacks did still happen occasionally, but they were few and far between.
Tears began to roll down my cheeks as I watched Mike's name being created.
"Hey." Cam put her hand on my shoulder. "It's ok, Trace. It's ok."
I turned to face her. "I just miss him."
"I know." There were tears in her own eyes.
We sat in silence for the most part as the tattoo continued, breaking it now and again to admire the work. Soon enough it was done, and I was able to look at it properly.
"It's, perfect." I gave the tattooist a smile as tears came to my eyes. "Thank you. Thank you so much."
He smiled back at me. "I'm so glad I could do him justice. Mike sounded an incredible man."
"He was."
We admired it for a moment longer, before it was bandaged up.
Cam got out her purse. "How much do I owe you? I can't remember."
The tattooist shook his head. "I'd like to gift it, if that's ok."
Cam looked shocked. "Gift it?"
"I have a thing where I give away certain memorial pieces. Given the scar I've just covered I'd really like to give this one to you."
"Are you sure?"
"I'm positive. Spend the money on those kids today instead. You all deserve a celebration."
Cam went and hugged him. "Thank you so much. You have no idea how much this means."
I was still in a bit of shock. This whole experience had been more draining than I'd predicted. But it had been worth it.
Cam pulled away from her hug. "Right, well we'd better get going to Elm Tree." She turned to me. "You ready?"
I nodded.
Cam thanked the tattooist one last time, before we left for Elm Tree.
"Tracy!" Gina met us as we got in, her face full of worry. "What's happened to your arm?"
I pulled back the bandage to reveal the tattoo.
"Oh Tracy." Gina's eyes had tears in them. "Have you just had that done?"
"His anniversary felt like the best time."
Gina gave my shoulder a squeeze as she composed herself. "Right, well the kids are all in the kitchen. We're trying to work out what to get to eat. I wish we had the money to go somewhere really, but..."
Cam began to rifle around in her bag. She produced her purse, and placed several notes into Gina's hand.
Gina looked puzzled. "What's this?"
"The tattooist gave Tracy her tattoo for free. Said he wanted to gift it, and to use the money on Mike's anniversary celebration instead."
Gina counted through the notes, then handed them back to Cam. "I can't accept this. It's too much."
Cam refused to take them. "It's already in the budget. I promised Tracy I'd pay for her to get a tattoo for the anniversary, and I haven't had to use the money there. And we were specifically told to spend it on the kids. It wouldn't feel right using it for anything else."
Gina took the money back. "If you're sure..."
"Mike would have wanted us to give the kids a good day. He'd have taken that money in a heartbeat for them."
Gina gave Cam a smile, knowing she was right. "Well we'd better go tell the kids."
"And how are we going to get enough fish and chips for all of us? You heard Gina, we have to cook ourselves."
"But Mike always treated us."
"When he could afford to."
The kids were discussing options when Gina put the money down on the table.
"Where did that come from?" asked Elektra.
Gina turned to me and Cam.
"I promised Tracy something today, and I didn't end up needing to pay for it," Cam explained. "I was told to use the money on you instead."
"What's happened to your arm?" Tee was looking very worried.
I lifted the bandage. Mike's name was written in cursive on my arm, little doodles of leaves, shells, bubbles and other beautiful, calming things surrounding it. The word Dad was even written a few times, hidden in spirals and swirls.
There were some gasps. I saw some tears.
I let them look for a few moments more before I covered it again. "I wanted something to remember him by instead of my scar."
"It's beautiful," said Sapphire. She didn't live here anymore, but had come back for the anniversary.
"So," said Gina, "fish and chips for dinner was it?"
There were smiles.
"But first, I think we should go somewhere. Mike always got you lot out when you needed cheering up, didn't he? Where would you like to go?"
"Bowling!" shouted Harry.
"Yeah, bowling!" More of the kids agreed.
"Come on then, get ready and we'll go out bowling. We'll get fish and chips on the way home."
The kids left the room, going to get ready to go out.
I smiled. I knew today was going to be sad, but at the same time I knew we had to celebrate Mike's life, and the lives of all those he'd made an impact on. I gave Cam a smile. "You coming with us?"
"Wouldn't miss it for the world." She took my hand and gave it a squeeze. "Besides, I'm paying!"
I giggled, before we went to get ready ourselves.
The bowling was fun. I had been pretty rubbish, as usual, but we'd all had a good time, talking and laughing and spending time together. We were now back home, Gina, Cam and I sorting the fish and chips into a buffet for the kids to help themselves to.
"We haven't done that for a long time," said Gina, smiling. "We need to do it more often really."
"Definitely." I smiled. It really had been a lot of fun.
We laid the food out on the table, then Gina called the kids in. They sat down and began to help themselves to food. I went round filling up drinks, then, after finishing with one for myself, banged my knife on the table.
The room fell silent.
"I just wanted to talk for a minute. Feel free to carry on eating, but if you could listen I'd really appreciate it."
The kids watched for me to continue.
"We've had a good time today. Gina and I were just saying we don't go bowling enough. I'm so glad that you all enjoyed yourselves, and all got along. It was really lovely."
The kids nodded in agreement.
"But we all know what today is. And as much as I want you all to be happy, I just wanted to take a moment to remember Mike."
Some tears formed. I saw hands being squeezed.
"Mike would be so proud of how well you've all done over the past year. You've all carried on, all stuck with each other even when it got hard. You've loved and shown real maturity in such an awful situation. You've even cared for me despite the fact that I'm the care worker. I just wanted to thank each and every one of you."
Tears were beginning to spill, including my own.
"And those are all qualities we learned from Mike. How to love, how to care for one another. How to keep from getting angry when we want to hit the roof. How to talk, how to listen, how to seek help even when it's difficult. How to be the best we can be. Mike did all those things for us, for all of us, and I know all of us still hold him in our hearts."
I broke for a moment. I saw Cam moving, but before she could get to me Sapphire was up, her arms around me. I hugged her back tightly.
"I just wanted to sit quietly for a minute," I said as Sapphire released me. "Just to remember Mike."
The room was quiet. I took the time to think of Mike, the way he always held me when I was sad, the way he used to stroke my hair, the gentle kisses when I needed them. I remembered all the way back to being a child, to him lying to Jenny about the football through the window, our conversation over the pizza menu on his last day, the way our relationship had grown when he'd come back, the talks we'd had then when I needed advice. How he'd let me have a job here, and how he'd still looked after me in the same way. As I took a deep breath my mind switched to happier moments, beach trips and burying him in the sand, mocking him about his cooking, all the times we'd laughed and all the times I'd wound him up, the times I'd disobeyed instructions and left him fuming, being lucky for him to always forgive me.
My mind wandered back to his last moments. A disobeyed instruction that had had disastrous consequences. I felt myself slipping back to that day...
"Tracy." Cam's voice came through. "Come back, sweetheart. Come back to me. You're safe, it's ok, it's not real anymore."
I blinked a few times and was back in the room. Cam had gotten expert at recognising the beginnings of a flashback over the past year, and I was so grateful to her for pulling me out of it. I gave her a small smile.
"You ok?"
"I think so. How long was I out?"
"Only a few seconds. You've been deep in thought for a few minutes though, we told the kids they could keep eating." She put some food onto my empty plate. "Come on, have something to eat."
She took a seat next to me and I began to eat. I watched as the kids chatted, laughter filling the table. I could hear Mike's name being mentioned, happy memories being shared. I smiled, certain Mike was looking down on us all, proud of each and every one.
As the kids began to finish I banged my knife again. There was one last thing I needed to do.
"We've got ice cream for dessert." I paused as a ripple of excitement went round the table. "But first, I think we need to toast." I raised my cup, showing everyone else to do the same. Tears filled my eyes and a lump came to my throat, but I swallowed them down. As I hesitated for a moment I felt a presence on my shoulder, not Gina or Cam, but very familiar. I smiled. He was in my heart, and I knew with certainty at that moment that he always would be.
"To Mike."
The rest of the table raised their cups in chorus.
"To Mike."
A/N Another long one, I'm sorry! Not sure why they keep getting to this length, I just enjoy writing them I guess! Not sure why I had this idea either, been playing around with lots of different things recently other than Chain Reaction a hundred times, and once I had the idea I just couldn't let it go! Really hope you liked reading it, not that it's the nicest thing to read but you know what I mean! I'm pretty proud of this one :)