Dear …

It's been so long I'm not even sure what I should call you. I once knew you well enough to know that you hated being called Mrs. because it made you feel old, so calling you the "woman previously known as Mrs. Hauksson" feels like an insult. I don't want to insult you. I never did. And now I don't even feel worthy to utter your first name. This note has barely started and I'm already rambling. Doesn't matter that I've written and rewritten this thousands of times over the last twenty years; I still have no idea what to say even after writing several more drafts down over the last few days, and now I'm not even reading from one. I want to tell you everything like I used to, but I don't know how much, if any, you want to hear anymore.

If you've made it this far without burning or smashing this tablet, I'm sorry. That should have been the first thing out of my mouth when I started this recording, and it's too little too late. But I am sorry for the hell I put you and the kids through. Though I hoped by putting you all through hell I could spare your lives. Every possible celestial and divine being has heard my prayer, so I hope beyond life that you indeed are all spared. There was no way I could find out without endangering you further, so I didn't try. More than anything I hope you all found better lives and Hephaestus Mining never bothered any of you. I wished for you to move on and find a man more deserving of you than me, one that takes better care of you than I ever did, and I prayed that he was a wonderful father to our children. In my dark times, I like to think that they grew up well and strong, excelling in their passions and finding success and love if they choose it. Nothing would make me happier than to know they're happy despite my failings.

You do deserve to know why I did all this. I didn't want to. Not in a million years. You all meant the world to me and having to do it shattered my soul. Not a day goes by that I don't regret taking so many off-world jobs instead of lower paying ones closer to home. So… Do you remember my contract with Hephaestus Mining Company? It was one of my larger ones, supposed to last the life of the mine. It was my worst contract. Not one of the worst, the worst. I spent too much time complaining about it during my too short visits home and not enough time praising you and the children.

Toward the end of my contract— well, soon before I quit and broke the contract, I forget you don't know I quit— another temporary scientist had been hired on by the name of Ervin. He was there for the apex predator of the area, so we didn't work together much outside of specific studies. Yet, we worked together enough that when the mine had to be abruptly shut down due to ecological damage, which was "discovered" a day or two after I quit, before I even had a chance to catch a flight home, (damn paperwork even to quit takes too much time) I was called to be a witness in a trial Hephaestus was bringing against Ervin. They were blaming him for the closure of the mine, and suing him for all the lost income as well as all the equipment left behind. I agreed because of how absolutely ridiculous the whole thing was. The mine failed because nobody listened to my warnings about the bacterial colonies that were being killed off, not the apex predators.

From the moment I agreed to the morning of the trial itself, they threatened me. They threatened everything from my career and reputation, to my own life, and to you and the children. I wasn't able to leave Gagarin for fear that they would throw me in prison for a million made up infractions. That alone wouldn't have kept me, but the threats against your life and the lives of our children did. I never felt fear like that before, and it filled every inch of my being.

That was when I started to process the divorce. If I could make it look like this was already incoming and remove you all from the equation, all the better. They were already making it impossible for me to contact you, so I'm glad you took the bait. I was hoping that once the trial was over I could return to you and explain the whole thing, and beg for a second chance. If we won this trial, maybe everything could go back to normal. Well, I had hope until the morning of the trial. I learned then Ervin died. The lawsuit would declare Hephaestus the defacto winner because he wouldn't show up. I knew the threats had been real before, but I realized then, despite our divorce, I could not risk your lives any further. I withdrew as a witness before the trial started that day.

It didn't stop there. They opened up several cases against me that I was unable to defend against as they had the "evidence" in the fact that they won against Ervin. They claimed we were conspiring. Took all I had left after I gave everything I could to you in the divorce. They ruined my reputation as a scientist. Destroyed all chances for a new career path. Trapped me on Gagarin as part of my punishment.

If this helps you feel better for the hell I put you through, please revel in the fact that I have also been living in my own personal hell for the last twenty years. There are some times where I can't even afford to eat for days on end. Where I can I take odd jobs to trade for food, but my debts are so high I lose those jobs too after Hephaestus finds out and garnishes all my wages I ever made there, including already paid ones, leaving me in further debt. Some people take pity on me. They've not yet evicted me from an old maintenance room for one of the old mech factories that I've been hunkered in the last several years. But I try to not let people know I'm living here. Know that I will not blame you for taking joy in my suffering after what I did to you.

Why am I finally sending this to you now, twenty years later? You won't believe it; I barely believed it when it happened. Ervin, that other scientist, apparently he was married. His husband came to clear his name with a friend. I don't know how they pulled it off, but they did. They even convinced me to agree to be a witness again, and found someone to vouch for my mental state, as everyone doubts that nowadays.

It was… amazing. Ellie, the attorney who lost the case originally, took the case again. She slammed so much evidence down that they could hardly refute any of it. Clearing Ervin's name cleared some of mine as well, considering how tied together some of the cases against me were to Ervin's. Not all has been cleared; I'll never be a scientist in any community ever again, but I can leave Gagarin now. As part of their winnings, Ervin's husband gave me enough to leave Gagarin and pay off some of my debts. I've never had so much money to my name in these past twenty years. I cried. But I knew the first thing I had to spend money on was you. I hired Ellie to use her resources to find you and send you this recording. I'm working on it now as she's looking for you. Said it shouldn't take more than a few hours.

Don't worry, I told Ellie to not tell me any information about you that she finds out. Not even if you have a new last name. If you never want to see or hear from me again, I will respect that. I will also respect your role as the guardian of our children, though I know they're adults now, and will let you decide if they should know what happened to me or not. You know better if they want or need to know. And I will also respect their decisions if they never want to see or hear from me again.

As for me, I think I will stay here on Gagarin for now. I don't know how to be a productive member of society anymore. I'll invest the rest of my money into rehab and try to get a real job. New companies are starting to set up shop here, in the old shells of the mech factories. Maybe I can be a janitor. Find a small apartment. The structure of real life again will be nice, I think.

I never did stop loving you,

Helgi Hauksson