Darkness covered the med bay, masking me any prying eyes within the mess hall. Only a few pinpricks of light leaked in from the window on the opposite side of the ship. A few people wandered through the mess hall, but only the underside of their faces glowed from omni-tools and drones. The med bay needed blinds, another thing to worry about. Dammit, why did everything fall to me? Why did they put me in charge? Darkness stood as my only companion these days.
Sleep refused to come, refused to free me of the stabbing pain in my chest. Anything I tried to do ended up with something going wrong; Illium ended with me stressing Mat'al more than he could handle, Cassianus, my team turning on Indira and now Saria. Why did they put me in charge? Saria's voice haunted my living nightmares, images of Cailcero's cold corpse sprawled on the tower floor sent trembles down my spine. Tears swelled, a pain ricocheting around in my chest. My only order was to open fire, nothing else. Fucking rich of me to scream at Iona for abandoning her team when I ignored mine, despite best intentions. Saria had occupied me so much, my mind just… forgot about them. A hand covered my face, wincing at the sharp stings. Everything about that battle screamed luck; me escaping with my life, my crew escaping with no one being arrested. All but Cailcero… how much did I know of my crew? Where they just familiar faces, like work colleagues? It made sense for a mental health point of view since they could die but still… They would die… we all would die if we didn't stop the Reapers. My body wanted to curl into a ball, curl up and cry myself to sleep, but every muscle ached. Any attempt to move now was suicidal.
Those who had constant interaction with me visited when they could; Raisha and the commanders, Lanster, Anthon, Sershin, Gideon and a few of the quarians. Every visit started with smiles to get me to speak more than a few words, though they left with tight smiles. They made me smile, to say a few words. They didn't give up, they kept pushing me, trying to make me smile, laugh. A few succeeded.
Time slipped away from me from my time here, despite the lights mimicking the daylight cycle. My hands grasped a small box Anthon left earlier. 3 days since Saria fell, since… My head shook, they dimmed the lights on the ship, they were on but still darker than normal, to draw less attention to ourselves… or they did it to let me rest? My shoulders sagged as the lid slipped off. Small balls of chocolate rolled within the container. A small smile stretched over my face, the first for hours. Was this a reward, a reward for ignoring my duties or was this to comfort me? My head shook. It didn't matter. One slipped into my mouth.
Tears swelled once the taste of caramel coated hazelnuts spread. Dammit, who figured my favourite chocolate out? Indira? Yeah, it must have been Indira, no one else would dig around my life as much as her. A dozen other small hazelnut swirls clattered inside the box. A one way trip to diabetes, but did that matter right now? My mouth ached from the beating, but the chocolates brought a sense of comfort, a sense of familiarity. The nightmares rattled me enough to wish for some comfort eating that wasn't military rations.
What worried me is what happens when Saere discharges me. It was impossible for me to stay here, I would have to face the rest of the crew. Saere had assured me the opinions of the crew hadn't changed. She may just be saying that to make me feel better. They shoved me into the captain position, now they reaped the rewards of my inexperience. The galaxy awed me, my fighting too green. A sigh sounded as a second chocolate popped into my mouth. Why did everyone make it look so easy? Then again, they didn't have the same problem I did.
Nyryntha's victory would come sooner or later. The words created a frown, half expecting the Reaper to agree with me, to shove me deeper into the shadows overwhelming me. She did nothing. Part of her plan? My hand reached for the datapad beside me, staring at an article Liara sent me before our 'assault' on the Citadel. This article led me to warn Satrino about possible indoctrination attempts, but reading it again, one thing emerged, one I didn't like to admit. I wasn't immune to indoctrination.
It was subtle – and while something fought against it that wasn't my will – it remained like a thin layer of grease. Lying here in silence, alone, gave me plenty of time to compare everything Liara had sent me to myself. My rampant dreams – or nightmares in this case – drew out every night, waking me with a pounding headache every morning. My mind had grown accustomed to them now, it knew to expect dreams of death and destruction around me. It tried to fight it, but there were nights fighting was impossible, the limbs moved out with my control. The headaches in the morning were the worst part, and the most convincing reason I had to link these dreams to Nyryntha indoctrinating me. It took hours before that slow, oil-like sensation slipping from head to toe activated, removing the indoctrination – or at least some it – off me. The headache would ease and a robotic growl would rattle my mind soon after.
So in actuality, my immunity was only a half-arsed immunity. My mind was not, but something resisting indoctrination, but dammed it I could tell you what. It didn't matter, it helped ease the effects of the indoctrination. Although, that wasn't my concern. Something prevented my indoctrination, but it didn't spread to the crew. No, time away from me would only help the crew. No one complained of headaches or strange dreams but if Nyryntha didn't at least attempt it, she was stupid or planning something bigger. My teeth bit hard on a third chocolate, wondering how long it would be before Nyryntha had me…
"Still awake?" A voice sighed. My eyes swivelled up, widening in surprise. Why didn't I hear the door open… Val leaned against the door frame, his tank top exposing the plated arms. His mandibles sagged off his cheeks. My shoulders relaxed, placing the box of chocolate and datapad on the bedside table.
"That obvious?" I asked. Val flicked a small smile before lumbering in. He dropped into the chair beside me. We sat in silence for an eternity, neither sure of the words to say. From the list of people who saw me, Val hadn't been on that list. Aside from that one meeting 3 days ago, the turian had vanished. Val sighed as he slumped in the chair, eyes towards the darkened mess hall as his hands dragged down his face. Judging by the bagging skin around his eyes, he hadn't been sleeping.
"Sorry," he said. My eyes grazed passed him. "For being an asshole," A short snort of a laugh escaped.
"Everyone is an ass, even me," I said. Val smile limped upwards.
"I've noticed," he said. A small scowl flitted across my face at the subtle dig. "Although they haven't put your life in danger," he grumbled. "When we got your back on the Starquake after that Reaper… Spirits, why is shutting up and following orders so hard?" he muttered under his breath, almost out of my earshot. My frown grew. "Mat'al went through me like a thresher maw after we last spoke. Spirits," he held his head in his hand, rubbing his eyes.
"I wouldn't take Mat'al too seriously," I said. "He's protective of me," Val laughed, a harsh sounding thing.
"Dell, he's forbidden me from visiting you at all! Only Gideon's constant nagging has kicked me into coming here, therefore pissing that salarian off if or when he finds out," he said. He crossed his wrists on his lap, falling into silence.
Any words that crossed my tongue froze, unable to find the will to speak. My own problems had consumed me, but I didn't realise other people were having bigger problems. After everything Val did for me on the Citadel, to prove he could follow my orders, to see him so frustrated... Mat'al and Val didn't meet eye to eye. Mat'al tolerated Val and Val found Mat'al cold and cruel. Both used different methods to deal with me; Mat'al like to keep it on a need to know basis, Val liked to be blunt to get it over and done with. Val's little failure of recognition of the hierarchy also wasn't rubbing anyone the right way. My lungs pushed a sigh out as a hand reached for a chocolate, to help distract me.
"If it makes you feel better, at least you didn't get someone killed from your own inexperience," I said. Val's breathing deepened, eyes lost on the floor. My eyes shifted to face him, mouth ajar. His mandibles waved, mind lost. His sigh sagged his shoulders. Did he even hear me?
"I wouldn't say that," he said, giving me a smile draped in regret. "I lost 11 people on my second mission as leader," My eyes widened, skin jumping as if nipped by static at the words. "It was before my biotics came around, our orders were to secure an area on Oma Ker – my homeworld – that had fallen to a pathetic bunch of separatist turians who thought the Hierarchy needed some revising. The area included a chemical plant that the salarians ran as a research agreement with the turians. The separatists realised they would not last long. They opened valves to the gaseous chemicals, flooding the facility. I didn't think they would be that desperate to do that and proceeded with the advance…
"8 died to the gas within minutes. The other 3 died from gunfire or explosions as we retreated to safety. 18 men and I only brought 7 home and that was only because reinforcements arrived with a higher ranking officer to kick me out of any decision making. Took me 5 months before I accepted another leadership role and that was only because my father threatened to throw me out if I didn't," Val rubbed his eyes, trying to remove the shadows closing in on him. He turned, meeting my eyes.
"I'll admit it, Dell, we were damn lucky. We caught Saria and her servants by surprise and you were doing a damn good job of keeping Saria off us. Most of her indoctrinated servants fell, but Saria was a hell of a biotic, even I could feel the effects of it. She would have messed us up good had you not kept her focused," he smiled, a tiny upwards flick. "We weren't doing a good job of helping you though. Spirits, I tried to break her biotic field when I could but she was a thousand times stronger than I. Even Indira struggled. If there is anyone to blame for what happened, it was us; for not giving your adequate cover fire, by not taking out the servants fast enough, for not being able to stop Saria throwing you around, for taking so long to break her barriers down… Spirits, if Shayan hadn't asked me to hold an Overload field before his Indra you would be…"
"Wait, it was Shayan who stopped Saria?" I asked, finding my voice. That bit of Val's military history wasn't on his dossier! My emotions swelled, a lump forming in my chest. He had an even worse second mission than me… at least no one died on my second mission if you classed the Reaper as a proper mission. Val strained a smile.
"Yeah. Mat'al's Mantis was strong enough but he was not shooting fast enough to get through her damn barrier. Every gun with disrupter ammo fired at that barrier when she charged at you but nothing. Shayan's Indra doesn't back a punch, but it's the only automatic sniper we have. Also the biggest clip in a sniper," he turned to the stars through the window behind the kitchen as someone walked through the dim mess hall. "Bullets flying through an Overload field are more effective than our pathetic excuse for disruptor ammo. He didn't empty his clip by the time he took the barrier down. You had struggled to your feet by that point. Shayan's perked up since then, the crew are listening to him now,"
"Are they now…? I'm relieved," I said, sagging against the pillow. Some good news at last! "At least something positive came from all this," Val turned to stare, mandibles against his cheeks if wilting.
"Dell, a lot of good has come out of this," Val sighed as he leaned his elbows on the edge of my bed. My eyes diverted, trying to pat his words away. Pity now only added salt to the wounds, but his attempts to cheer me up… well he knew good news put a smile on my face. "We have Saboteur parts we can study, parts we haven't had to remove from you, we saved the Council from becoming Reaper chow and we took out about 100 indoctrinated servants. Dell, by turian standards, they'd promote you for only losing one man through all of that," My tongue felt heavy, words pinned to the roof of my mouth while my throat tried to swallow the tears building. Why did tears want to surface so much? Because people told me my so called attempt at a mission was successful, despite the bad? That good had come out of the mission? Or was it because someone else shared their pain of missions gone pear shaped? My muscles jumped, tensing as Val leaned over, dragging me into a hug.
"We're all here, Dell. You aren't fighting this Reaper alone, or these Saboteurs. We will lose more people and I'm sorry, but we'll help you cope with it. I won't lecture you to get back up on your feet and gunning again. I took 5 months before I led anything again and that was by force," he said, his soft skin around his neck rumbling with the flanging. My hand gripped his carapace. "You'll pick yourself up when you are ready. We'll be ready and eager to follow you when you do. I promise,"
My hand ached from clutching him so much, the sting crawling up my arm. My head pulled away, to find cool air to slap the emotion away, damp patches remained on the mucky copper flesh. A hand went to my eyes, although a yelped sounded when my hand touched it too hard. My arms flailed, trying to stop the tears falling but the pain drove my hands away from my face. Dammit, Dell, stop it! All attempts stopped when Val grabbed my wrists, holding them still. My large eyes turned up to him, my frame quivering as my emotions crashed, my quiet façade cracking as the bottled emotions shattered free.
"You can cry, Dell," Val said with a smile. He released one wrist before his taloned hand, brushed a tear from my face as gentle as he could. "You're not a Reaper," The words rang in my head, a million times until the echo chamber filled. Not a Reaper… he said I wasn't a… I wasn't a Reaper… Everything in me shattered, emotions crushing me.
Hours passed without a pause in the tears, my face pressed between Val's neck and carapace. The turian held me, quiet as he listened to my uncontrolled babbling. It wasn't just Cailcero that surfaced. I lost count of how many times my voice croaked for my mum, my dad, for family, for something old and familiar, something not related to the Reapers. Stress, mourning, fear, anger. Everything broke. Valérien stayed by my side through it all, ignoring how damp my tears made his skin or how my arms squeezed his neck. The only time he left my side was to secure the med bay door. He wanted no one to see me like this, not Mat'al not any other crew member. He wanted to protect my pride. Had my distress not consumed me, I would have kissed him. Throughout the entire babbling mess, he passed me a chocolate to munch on, to let the sugar ease the sting away. The damn chocolate was the only damn thing that grounded me, the only thing my brain remembered from childhood that didn't come back and stab me right now.
By the time morning arrived, my frazzled mind couldn't remember what time Val left the med bay for some sleep. As the mess hall filled up with the day shift, my hand flicked through the datapad, catching up on some news that wasn't related to our little incident at the Citadel. During the night, sleep had found me. Maybe that was why Val left. What he left me, however, was a single hazelnut swirl sitting on the bedside table. The last one. He must have kept one secreted away last night while my hand shoved the others into my babbling mouth. Dammit, that damned turian didn't even try to stop me from eating all of them! …He deserved a thank you for that one.
My head felt so clear now, maybe all that my mind needed was to cry my stupid eyes out for a few hours to someone else. The weight buckling my shoulders last night slipped free by morning. Val had taken that burden and settled them on the floor somewhere, letting me relax. My mind had prepared to be hit by a train when it woke up this morning, but it everything just felt… better. For the first time since, geez, since Shepard's death I think. Saere's expression opened when she came in this morning, to see me awake and perky. Gideon perched on the bed beside me, doing something on his omni-tool. He remained quiet, as if trying to show Saere that he could behave. Saere had no reason to throw him out, with my sudden improvement, so she kept a close eye on the boy, desperate for any reason to hurl him out.
While my mood had improved, the thought of facing the crew and the burden that came with it... it still felt like too much. How would they would receive me? I had abandoned the ground crew without putting a command structure in place and no orders to those on the walkway other than 'fire'. My saving grace was Val's promise. It kept me glued to blind hope it wouldn't be as horrible as I thought, that my 'sacrifice' to keep Saria distracted would be enough to hold their loyalty. Only time would tell.
"Someone looks perky today," a voice said. My eyes glanced towards the door, spotting Shayan poking his head through the door. A smile opened on my face.
"Nothing a hug and some words I've needed to hear can't cure," I said, my voice quivering a touch. Shayan grinned before he slipped in.
"Thought I would come in and say hi before I head to bed," he said. "I'm… glad to see you talking again, Captain," My chest tightened at the words a touch.
"You don't have to worry, Shayan," I said, coughing to clear my throat of the emotion bubbling up. Seems as if my emotional spurt wasn't over yet. Shayan smiled as he took the chair Val had been in several hours before. "Uh… Thank you," I added. Shayan jumped, staring at me with confusion.
"For what, Captain?" he asked, his voice carrying faint traces of panic. I smiled, calming my bubbling emotions while supporting him. He still needed a little help. My eyes turned to Gideon and Saere.
"Can we get a few minutes, please?" I asked. Gideon frowned, ready to voice a complaint, although a quick inspection of Saere had him scurrying out the door with a yelp. Saere grinned at me.
"As you wish, Dell. I'll be back to give you your next painkiller dose," she said with promise. A shudder ran down my back, already tasting the powdery pills on my tongue. My face straightened just as the med bay door shut. Shayan looked up, jittery as he waited for my next words.
"Thank you for saving my life," I said. Shayan paused, remembering at what point he could have helped me. He coughed, a flush burning past the mask. He clutched his hands between his legs, looking head low and shoulders bunched.
"It was nothing, Captain. I-I wasn't about to stand there and let you get hurt," he said, shuffling as he struggled for words. "I'd… like to think that I've made everyone proud…"
"Shayan, you have made everyone proud, don't think you haven't. I owe you my life," I said. Shayan smiled, although through the mask, the expression was hard to see.
"Well… I was thinking more of my father but… yeah, I suppose I did," he rasped, struggling for words. A frown formed.
"Your dad isn't proud of you?" I asked.
"What? O-oh of course he is! Well, that's what he tells me but… you know, you fell these things," he rolled a shoulder, shuffling in his chair. He coughed at my silence. "Ah… well, m-my father is the head engineer on our Liveship, so he's in charge of keep the ship. I looked up to him, he's a brilliant engineer. He can fix anything and nothing is beyond repair. But he's also a good soldier and he always told me when I was young he hoped I would follow in his footsteps…" Shayan sighed.
"But I wasn't good at that. I could fix anything, almost anything but I couldn't shoot. I shot people by accident while we were mining out an asteroid when geth attacked. It… left scars on me, I never recovered from it," he sighed, shoulders sagging. "To make matters worse, i-it was a girl I… I liked. She… didn't talk to me after that. I-I just shot and… well, after that, people hated me, they didn't trust me on any missions outside the flotilla. I…" he struggled for words, folding his hands together. "It happened again a few months before my Pilgrimage. My father tried to support me but I… I went on my Pilgrimage a little earlier than I should have, just to get away from them. I thought no ship would take me on after that,"
"Shayan, accidents happen. Things like this happen when you are scared," I said. "You wanted to help but you couldn't keep your hand steady. I know that pain," But my mind drifted to Feros, after Garrus pinned me to the ground to protect me. The pistol had been in my hand but it never fired, so great was my fear I would hurt someone. After Shayan's story, I'm glad I restrained myself.
"I know but…" he sighed, annoyed. "I can't keep being so scared. Even now it happens, I shot Corin when we were pulling you out of the Reaper too! I can't…" he held his head in his hands. My throat worked overtime, afraid of upsetting him further. He had shot Corin? That explained why he was asking after him. "This is why I use a weak sniper. I could kill people with a Mantis or something. When my Pilgrimage finished, my grandmother smoothed things over with the captain of the Moreh. That and I brought back more than enough spare parts and equipment to last our ship years," he shook his head. "I thought joining you would help me, that maybe I could change like you did but… but nothing happened. I'm still the same,"
Fuck, what did you say to someone like this? Why did everyone come to me with their problems and expect me to have the answers? Shayan had suffered from ridicule because of a mistake made in terror. With a shaken confidence, would telling him 'it takes time' be enough for him? I had nothing to compare to him. Well, not true but the question was whether that was the right comparison to draw advice from. My teeth chewed on my lip. Come on, Dell, be confident. He's tried so hard; for himself, for me, for everyone around him. Val wouldn't lie, the crew still trusted me, even when I couldn't trust myself. My lungs sucked in a deep breath, preparing the lecture, praying Shayan didn't laugh me off or hide in a corner.
"Shayan, I changed because people forced me to, not because I wanted to," I said. Shayan raised his eyes to mine. "Blue Suns kidnapped me hours after arriving on the Citadel for the first time, Mat'al dragging my ass on Feros, being stranded on the Citadel, trapped on Virmire and strong-armed on the Citadel. External forces forced into these situations. In my honest opinion, you couldn't withstand what I went though. What I went through was hell, before and after I found out about Nyryntha. No one should go through what I did. My mind conflicted with me at every turn; fear, anger, confusion. They beat me down until I broke and built me back up.
"I am your captain, I am a figure of confidence and knowledge, of inspiration and encouragement. My job is to reassure the crew as much as possible but had we never met in that warehouse, I may not be the person I am today. You taught me how to be leader, since none of you seemed very motivated to take the position yourselves and kept asking me what to do. I don't know what to suggest, Shayan. These things take time. The Reaper in my head forces me to change, what takes you years took months for me. I don't have a choice in the matter. Because of that, all I can suggest is keep at it. The crew respects you now, they know you have a damn good brain in there for tactics. All we need to do is help you become more confident. If anything goes wrong, I am here to help you, and Raisha and everyone else. You aren't alone here. Shayn, you are the real brains on this ship, not Mat'al or Raisha or myself. If not for you to keep the Starquake running, hell, we would be dead in the water in the first month if you hadn't come up with all the strategies to use old parts to replace essential parts. You come up with the new designs for the battery systems, the weapons and the armour. People are noticing this, as the Citadel proves. You might not be a soldier, but my God, Shayan, you can problem solve like no one's business," I told him.
God be willing, those words would be enough. Shayan sat, quiet and contemplating. He glanced to the darkened mess hall, to Gideon bouncing on the table waiting for the door to open again, on the people wandering past the window. Shayan fidgeted, thoughts in another world. He turned.
"They… are talking to me like they don't hate me, like I know what I'm doing…" he said. A smile spread over my face. "They… would trust me? Like they trust you?" My muscles turned rigid at the last question.
"Only time will tell," I said, keeping my smile frozen in place. Shayan was quiet for a time.
"…Thanks, Captain. You always seem to know what to say," He said, pushing himself up. "I'll… I'll try. Maybe by the time we beat the Reapers, I-I might lead the engineers like you do the crew. H-Here of course! Not on the battlefield. B-Baby steps," he coughed. My brow raised, making him flush. He excused himself before shuffling out the room, lost in thought. If only he knew my words weren't some pre-planned pep-talk rather than some farted whatever came to mind and prayed for the best. How did psychologists know what to say to people?