In the space between the chairs and wall, the sound of my pacing feet filled the air. What my eyes saw on the orange screens filled me with dismay. In the tiny, light beige war room behind Julian's desk, baited breath stung my throat as trepidation set in. We had been here 2 months now. The RIT bands were long gone, my temples ever so thankful, after a month in place. An examination later proved everyone was clean but sitting around had set everyone on edge, myself in particular. Knowing my disappearance and lack of radio contact was driving the Council nuts was not helping. My hands rubbed my eyes as my mind went over the speech once more. Anger got me nowhere with Julian, the past 2 months were a testament to that. With what few cards in my hand remained, it was time to deploy a new tactic. This was a fickle dance, one wrong step and everything would be over. My hands grasped the back of a chair, staring at a long screen. A chart regarding Saboteur activity filled it, data Julian and his team had logged over the past few months, years even. Activity was climbing. They were ready to deploy their plans. I could do little on the human front without an army. Julian has refused to part with any additional information regarding new Saboteurs, only that the elcor Saboteurs' behaviour had changed. That was a question to ask, what he meant by 'elcor Saboteurs'.
The door whooshed behind me, jolting me to attention. Julian strolled inside, eyes pinned to a datapad in his hands. He spared me a look before tapping away, putting the pad away. His still hadn't changed out of his black, blue and grey Hahne-Kedar armour; he had just gotten back from a recon mission regarding a Volus Saboteur. My shoulders slipped down as he folded his arms, his expression held straight. He expected a fight. For once, that was something I wanted to avoid.
"Julian, sorry to drag you up here after you've just touched down," I opened, keeping my voice polite. Julian narrowed his eyes, gazing at me with suspicion before unfolding his arms, locking his fingers together behind his back.
"You said you were becoming more distressed. I do not wish for my sister to go grey," he said, a slight snide to test my resistance. Not today, Julian, despite how it set my teeth on edge.
"I think no one wants to go grey, Julian," I answered with a smile. A slight smile appeared on his face, doubt rising.
"What are you after, Delly? After two months running circles around me, you've hit a switch and become civil?" He asked. A slow breath pushed against my chest, rolling my shoulders back more before pointing a finger to the table. Julian's eyes scanned it.
"I can do something about this, Julian. I am useless here," I said. Julian sighed.
"Delly, I am not putting you in danger," Julian answered with finality. My hackles wanted to swell, but my stubbornness battered them down.
"Julian, please, listen," I pleaded. Julian remained passive, eyes narrowing. "I am not the girl you knew two years ago. I'm a soldier now," Julian's face twisted. "And I have far, far too much power in my hands for you to lock away. I can help,"
"Such as?" Julian asked. My back straightened. A chance, a real chance.
"I work for the Council, no one but them can give me orders. I have access to information, to data, to technology, to ships, to armies, to Spectres, to everything you could dream of," I said. Julian blinked. "And the Council are only interested in listening to me. They wanted my crew but they refused another captain other than me. Julian, they wanted me to research the Reapers and the Saboteurs and they twisted my arm to make to do it. They need me. I can go to places you cannot. These elcor Saboteurs you keep complaining about… I can hit them. I can get permission from the Council, Spectre level access! They'll let me remove them from the galaxy and will glaze over it like spilt milk. I can do this, Julian, I've already killed two Saboteurs. I have to do this!" I begged. Julian ran a hand down his face, staring at me with searching eyes.
"Delly, I understand where you are coming from, but I cannot risk-" Julian began.
"Julian!" I snapped. He gaze at me, eyes hardening. Anchors slammed on my rage. "…Please. Let me help," I whispered. Julian closed his eyes. He sighed before pacing in slow circles.
"Delly, I am not risking it. If anything happens to you and this whole operation crashes and burns!" Julian snapped.
"I can defend myself, Julian. Unlike when I left, I have my crew to watch my back as well! I'm not alone!" I pressed.
"That isn't the point!" he thundered. My shoulders rolled against sudden anger, lungs breathing though my temper.
"Are you afraid I'll fail?" I asked. "Are you afraid I'll get another scar and the ghost of our parents will scold you from beyond the grave? Julian, I have to help! I must!" I pleaded. Julian snapped around, slamming his arms on the wall behind me, trapping my head between two clenched fists. My breath stalled. Julian heaved huge breaths.
"Delly, I've nearly lost you to Saboteurs, fire, stupidity, kids, trickery, electrical failures, myself, bad luck and misjudgement. I will not lose you. If I lose you, Palalrian wins," Julian grunted through gritted teeth. My lungs remembered to function, ignoring the heat rising off him.
"Is… this to do with your Reaper Trigger?" I asked. Julian's glare lessened.
"It has everything to do with my Reaper Tigger. Yours is fear. Mine is failure," he admitted.
"And why would losing me be a failure to you?" I asked, biting my lip to judge whether to shift his arms. Julian snorted.
"From what I have been able to learn, I promised you between our disappearances and becoming Saboteurs to protect you, if we can trust Namacuix. If anything happens to you, if you die or lose to your Reaper, that is an utter failure according to my programming, Delly. Palalrian will have me in a heartbeat. I have too much to lose now, I cannot fail!" he pressed. He drew himself back, fighting to get his temper under control. "It had been pride in the beginning, until the cryptograph in Kinlochleven got me. Took me 8 months to learn what the new programming was,"
"You've been… reprogrammed?" I asked, startled. "In Kinlochleven?"
"Why do you think I programmed the chip on your neck to make you flee the area? If you get anywhere near a cryptograph, it will sense you and it will hunt you down. I'm relieved you were still in the Saboteur Cell," Julian sighed. My hands ran down my face. Frustration mounted as questions spilled over.
"Julian, I have a thousand questions and you have answered none of them," I moaned. "What is a Saboteur Cell? How many Saboteurs are there? How widespread are they? What does a cryptograph look like? How can I be sure I have met a Saboteur, how do I know what specialisation they have? How do I protect my crew from indoctrination? Where did the Collectors take after they kidnapped us? What do the Collectors have to do with us? ... I don't know the answer to any of these!" I pleaded. Julian kept silent. It was time to twist his arm for once. "Julian, you know me. I hate surprises and you know I'm scared, and with so much unknown and with a crew to look after, so many people depending on me to know everything to keep them safe…" Julian winced. I prayed the word 'afraid' would trigger something… He glanced at the chart on the screen once more before sighing.
"Sit down, Delly," he commanded, taking his position at the head of the table. My knees dropped me into the chair beside him.
"Am I going to get answers?" I asked, fighting to stay casual as my shoulders hunched forward in the chair. Julian leaned on his elbows.
"I owe you some, I suppose," he conceded. "I suppose we'll start from the top, hmm?" A brief smile flicked over my lips.
"Saboteurs. You know what they are but you don't know how to identify them. There is no sure fire way to identify them without removing their spines, and even harder is to identify their specialisations. We have developed a mechanism for identifying Saboteurs, however the machinery is clunky and cannot be used outside of the Constellation. As far as I know, all of your crew checks out. The only way to find a Saboteur is to look at the behaviour of those around them, although your data on your ship suggests you know this. It's like studying black holes, you study the affected area rather than the black hole itself. The specialisations? You need to see them in combat or diplomacy. That's why we run these scouting missions, to watch them from afar and gather as much information as possible on them.
"In terms of numbers, well, we have verified from a cocky Saboteur, Raheem, that there are 2 Saboteurs for each species, plus another pair for certain groups, such the C-Sec, the Council, Spectres, the STG, we even heard rumours of the Shadow Broker having Saboteurs inside, which is dangerous on its own. If you have killed Xanthe, then there is only one other C-Sec Saboteur, and Zufiaurre means there is only one other asari Saboteur, in the military if our trend matches up. There are still at least 39 Saboteurs alive, including the Architect and the Martyrs," Julian explained. A frown grew with each word, basking in this new information. We had numbers!
"Who is the Architect? And the Martyrs?" I asked. Julian shrugged.
"I can't remember who the Architect is; Palalrian wiped that part of my memory from me. What I know, however, that they supervised the other Saboteurs' creation, controlled what memories we took with us into our new bodies. I believe they may have also been in charge of who to choose as a Saboteur. Martyrs? We are Martyrs. Nazara's original Shell perished in the First Contact War, so he indoctrinated a servant to do his bidding to continue his duty. Then there is you, the Advocacy. The Advocacy picks up from where the Vanguard failed or aid him in any way shape or form. Although that hasn't worked for them," he flicked a small smile. "Then comes I, the Enforcer. I am to make sure the other Saboteurs don't screw up and keep them in line, make sure they know their orders and direct them. I'm the commander of the mission. Then comes the Ravager," Julian rubbed his neck, thin scars rippling across it.
"I take it you've met him," I said. Julian nodded, expression darkening.
"Three times, he almost killed me twice. These grey hairs?" he pointed out around his ears. "They turned grey from the stress of the torture. Namacuix destroys any Saboteurs who turn rogue, like you and I. And God he doesn't hold back. He loves to toy with his 'food' … and he's become obsessed with you, for whatever reason. There is a 5th Martyr from what I hear, The Entity, but they haven't made themselves known. I don't think they are active yet, perhaps they are still in control but…" Julian shook his head. "We cannot locate them. I assume they are a spare Martyr in case things go south. We do not understand what the Entity does regardless, which is… concerning,"
"Ok… the Ravager is obsessed with me? What?" I gagged. Julian frowned.
"Call it a crush gone crazy. I don't think he would kill you, but you'll wish for death by the time he's done with you, if ever," Julian said, a low rumble forming in his throat. "If he ever lays hands on you… Gods, Dell, I would never forgive myself," Julian held his face in his hands, masking the distraught on his face. My jaw flailed open, my mind in meltdown over the revelation. It swung open like an old door and refused to shut. Ok… so a crazy Saboteur wanted me, who was in love with me? Oh… Oh, that wasn't a subject my brain wanted to comprehend right now!
"O-Ok. Well… I-I'll keep that in mind," I coughed. "A-Anything else?"
"On Saboteurs? Not much. On the Collectors, even less. I know they were the key to at least some of the disappearances, ours included, but beyond that, nothing. Palalrian destroyed an awful lot of information when he could still wipe my memories," Julian sighed.
"Alright, you've mentioned this memory wiping a few times now. How does this memory wipe work? It's driving me mad," I begged. Julian blinked, a small frown growing.
"When a Saboteur emerges from their Saboteur Cell, which is the container they used to implant the Reaper tech with, the Reaper and the mind haven't yet separated. This means that the Reaper can suppress or remove memories from their Shell if they think it will aid or hinder them. After a few days to a few weeks, the Reaper loses this ability as the mind learns to differentiate its own thoughts from the Reapers. However, soon after, the Reaper then takes control, killing the Shell but keeping the body functioning," Julian explained.
"So why not just make an empty shell?" I asked. Julian snorted.
"A good Saboteur can mingle without people noticing, a bad Saboteur has no personality at all. The Reapers, as hyper advanced as they are, are still machines. They do not understand and predict the complexity of organic thought. And the culture changes with each species. You can't have a krogan playing Mozart or singing a song in a dead tongue. The Shell has the person's memories and they link to an emotion and a physical or mental response. The Reapers keep an extensive library of our emotions, actions, thoughts, fantasies, fears... Once they have enough information, they take control. If they only had the Shell's old memories, they would not understand how to react to a newer galaxy, to strangers. You were… traumatised when you realised where you were. You took days to stop shaking and crying," Julian said.
"I fainted after waking up on the ship after Xawin… wait but why was Nyryntha able to wipe my memories after the few weeks' timeframe? The doctor said I had been awake for two years before then but have no memories of it!" I frowned. Julian shrugged.
"No idea. I can only think you were so terrified that it gave Nyryntha enough control to play with your head, but you were losing consciousness due to the cold and Nyryntha didn't have enough brain activity to continue the capturing process. Maybe she wiped your memories to rid you of the confidence you had gained in the two years after you woke up, she knew she wouldn't win in that battle if you remembered I existed and I could protect you from indoctrination," Julian sighed.
Silence stretched, both of us falling into a tense still. This… did this change anything? Sure, more information on the Saboteurs would make hunting them easier. How my appearance here was a little clearer, knowing now I got to Xawin. Yet something inside me remained aggravated, desperate for more. The Reaper, Collector and Saboteur connection still topped the list as the need to know. Where the Collector base hid is a close second. If only to destroy it to stop the Collectors from creating new Saboteurs should we fail. How to destroy a Saboteur, if ripping out the spine was the only way or even just how to slow them down. Faces, names, species, plans… there was so much information we needed to stop them destroying everything! And all this came about because… because of a walk with my ex-boyfriend through the woods… all that time ago… My eyes lifted, a pining question bubbling. For the first time since that day, Julian stood before me with loose lips.
"Julian," I said. My eyes dropped to the table as he fought to lift his. "Why… Why did you leave me on the West Highland Way?" Julian squeezed his eyes, masking whatever emotion stormed in his eyes.
"Delly, I hear your cries every night, every Reaper nightmare only worsens them," he admitted. My eyes flicked up. "Dad was getting fed up with me. I wasn't showing any interest in preparing myself to take over mum's company and I wasn't doing anything 'worthwhile' with my time. I never went to university, I had no intention of doing so and… well, you remember the fights. That was when I left. That night, I packed up my things and hiked south in the middle of the night, planning on meeting friends in Kingshouse before heading off the join the army. Not 20 minutes after leaving the house, I hear you running after me," he raised his eyes to mine, struggling to hold them.
"Delly, there was no way I could have supported the both of us. I know mum was hard on you, wanting you to mimic her footsteps and I knew you were sick of Kinlochleven and wanted to leave it and all the… unpleasant people behind. We both had a lot of pressure on us. But you had just finished university; you were struggling to find a job. I would be away on tour for months at a time, I couldn't let you suffer in a crap flat for months at a time in a new area with new people. How was I going to afford to look after you until you found something that paid enough for food, rent, bills, the army money isn't what everyone makes it out to be, especially when they were cutting people," Julian sighed.
"You know I stormed out of the house after that last fight, I was… I was so angry I couldn't even think. When you slipped and broke your leg I… I don't know how I kept going. Rage, maybe. It was only 2 hours later after I had calmed down a little did I realise what I had done. Delly, I was hours away and I knew if I went back, I'd miss my ride and had to face dad about why you got hurt and he would have piled through me like a 10 ton lorry. I would never get a chance to leave again, I knew that. I was… afraid," he ran a hand down his face, covering his mouth for a moment. "That's why I called friends, told them you needed help and to get to you ASAP. They were closer and I could still try and get away from it all. I got a call before I reached Kingshouse from Josh, telling me they had found you… dragging yourself south,"
"I don't know what hurts more," I said, a stabbing pain in my chest. Julian stayed silent. "Watching you walk away from me and appearing to be oblivious to my cries… or the fact you called your friends to come and get me instead of you," Julian diverted his eyes. "I remember Josh, Ray and Angus turning up; I remember hearing them call my name and thinking 'Why is Julian not here? Why didn't he come back and wait with me? He was always there for me before.' And they were the ones who told me you were joining the army, something you never told me you were planning on doing. And then there was the fact you never contacted me again after that. I clung to my phone for months, desperate to just hear your voice again, for a reason, for anything!" My words rang hollow in the air, the ceiling crushing both of our shoulders to the ground. "4 years Julian, 4 years without my big brother to protect me from my – at the time - snobby, pushy boyfriend and all it took to make you come back," I added with bitterness seeping in. Julian met my gaze. "Was to be kidnapped. I watched the footage on Travis' phone. It died right before dad called your name,"
"Yeah… yeah, I remember that. Dad had passed it to me, desperate to find you. I ran back to the house to charge it and when I saw the footage… Well, I'll spare you the details of what happened to mum and dad," Julian sighed. "A few days later –wanting destroy the video and those that had seen it – the Collectors caused the landslip that destroyed Kinlochleven. Too bad for them, I had taken to footage to Edinburgh to get the video off the phone and enhanced,"
"What happened to mum and dad?" I asked, borderline venomous.
"Delly-" Julian said, tone hardening.
"Tell me!" I snapped. "You owe me that much, don't you?" Julian stared me down, his emotion from earlier now forgotten. He breathed hard through his nose.
"Mum sunk into a depression and couldn't dig herself out of it. She did everything to convince people the footage was real but no one believed her. Then I got taken about a year and a half after you. She committed suicide 6 months later," Julian said, deadpan. My heart crashed against my ribs, my whole body turning numb. "Dad, fighting his own demons over losing his whole family, focused on developing our computing technology and weapons, determined to get us into space faster to find you. He died at 76 from heart troubles if what the records say is true. I think he worked himself to death,"
My body turned to stone. Every sense numbed, muscles refused to respond. A heavy weight in my chest drained heat from my core, pinning me to the chair. My mother… God have mercy, what could have gone through her head? How much pain was she in because of these Reapers? My hands clenched into fists. Or my father's after… My head shook, desperate for warmth to dispel the coldness. My hands rubbed my eyes to test if my eyes were wet. The sting in my eyes proved to be a swell of grief rather than tears.
"I want that Saboteur list," I said, tone rumbling as determination burned. "I will find them and tear them from the galaxy. They cannot be alive," I swore. Julian sighed.
"Delly, you are not going after anyone, I know you've heard a lot-" Julian tried. My glare pinned him still.
"I'm not doing this for me, for revenge, for mum or dad, not even you," I snapped. Julian blinked. "I'm doing it for the trillions of lives in this galaxy. No one will suffer like I have, not while I can help it. Now you can either help me or leave me, but I am walking off this ship and I will finish my bloody job!" The chair flew back as my knees held me straight, hands on the table. "With or without your permission,"
Julian studied the intensity of my glower. My blood simmered, on the verge of boiling over. My emotions took me on a swell of rage, grief and horror. With nothing to ground me to reality, a single emotion held me, the one emotion that had steered me with such loyalty; rage. Life had stolen everything, and now had given me everything to lose again. I had come too far just to give up now! Despite my temper fraying, everything stayed in check. The only person more stubborn than me is Julian. Today though, Julian would crumble under me or by God he would lose me. The cabin fever gnawed at me for the past 2 months reached breaking point. It was now or never. Julian lowered his hands to the table, giving me an odd, stern stare. My anger faltered for a second.
"Fine, but on one condition," Julian said. My arms pushed me straight, standing tall.
"Name it," I demanded.
"You have two spots free on your crew. I will give you a new scientist to replace the loss of your own-" Julian said.
"Saldan," I reminded. Julian kept his jaw still.
"And I will give you another member of my crew, one of my more trusted advisors. She'll keep you well informed if you are about to do something stupid," Julian finished. My jaw popped.
"I take your little spies and you'll let us leave? Let us continue what we were doing before you kidnapped us?" I asked. Julian hung his head.
"Yes," he conceded. My jaw swung, assessing the options available to me. Spies and freedom or a massive breakout attempt… and with the backup of a fleet like Julian's at my every whim…
"Make it happen. I want off this ship in the next few days," I ordered. Julian raised a brow.
"Fine, but to leave that soon, I have another small request," Julian said as he stood.
"Oh, for God sake, you said one condition! And no, I will not look after your fish," I grumbled. Julian snorted with a slight smile.
"No. I want you and your ship to be part of the Constellation Fleet," Julian said, folding his arms behind his back. An agitated sigh rushed through my nose.
"Does this involve a uniform and ship name change?" I snapped.
"Perhaps and no. It is terrible luck to rename a ship. The first Orion is a testament to that," Julian said.
"Fine, but I still take orders from the Council above you, are we clear?" I asked.
"Crystal. They are your employers. Besides, they can give you far more… power than I could," Julian said. My eyes narrowed, but with the green light, my head bobbed a nod before focusing on the door. We were leaving this ship. It's time to gather the crew and the data on the Saboteurs.