I have been many things in my life; the coward, the aggressor, the parent, the peacemaker, the façade, the fear and – my personal favourite – the unsurmountable brick wall. Yet none of these titles, these badges of war, could help me now. Every nerve burned, I wanted to shoot everything that moved, begged to ignore what all of this meant and scream in a dark corner in defiance, in despair. Yet here I was, the stars surrounding us with pin points of light in a tiny system occupied by a young turian colony, on a ship destroyed 2 years ago, owned by a man who should be dead. My anger melted my bones, my misery drenching my hope and disbelief blinded my common sense. Commander John Shepard was back. The same bastard who mocked me, screamed at me when I finally accomplished something. Who talked down to me with his superiority, just about tolerated me on his ship and always eager to jump at an opportunity to belittle me. The last time we met was a blurred passing with a beast chasing me before the Reapers bastardised my world. Back then, everything sent me scurrying for the shadows, afraid to speak out in fear of ridicule. My spine was as stiff as molten butter. Although, perhaps Shepard noticed I wasn't as defenceless now from when we first met. Before Mat'al dragged me from his side for my sake, I couldn't fight. Here I was, staring him down with unflinching resolve two years later.
How did he see me now after a long war against the monster inside my head, tamed as she was now? Through smoke, blood, fear and tears, my battered will emerged scarred and hardened. Shepard led us through the airlock of the Normandy SR2, a familiar name with an unfamiliar face. A glance to cockpit confirmed Joker sat in the cockpit. That much hadn't changed in two years, although who knows what dragged him to this organisation. The CIC was larger than I remembered, but still felt cramped and dark, the walls threatening to crush you to the ground. It made me appreciate the Starquake that little bit more. The overall layout here changed little from the original Normandy, the galaxy map sat where it had last time, the elevator had moved but there were no stairs down now. Well, glad to see Cerberus liked to keep what wasn't broken. The officers, Spectres and I followed the revived human through a small lab, filled with computers and equipment and even a view should the shutters rise. My lips compressed into a fine line, jealousy rising. My time in the last Normandy lab was sparse and empty, no view and the barest equipment to get us through. This lab was far better equipped. We didn't enter the bright room per say, but rather diverted down another hall just before the main part of the lab, turning left into a war room. My expression straightened, shoulders rolling back while preparing for whatever hell happened in the next few minutes. Shepard stood at the top of the war room, the glass topped, hollowed out rectangular table between me and strangling him. He turned to regard me.
"The Illusive Man didn't tell me we were chasing after Shaik," he said, turning to a dark skinned male human with narrowed eyes. "I would've just hailed them," A snort erupted from me while the man shrugged.
"Apologies, Commander, but the Illusive Man never said who the Captain was, just to get in contact with the RSS-2 Starquake about a potential lead and gave us a location update as they moved," he said.
"The Illusive Man tracked us?" I asked. Miranda smiled, a measured and proud smile.
"We have vast resources, Captain," Miranda said. My hackles rattled, my fire stoked hotter.
"I'm already being tracked by two assholes, I don't need three!" I roared, refusing to dam the anger. Shepard's eyebrows skyrocketed.
"Where the hell did this Dell come from? Where is the quiet, timid Dell who hid from her own shadow?" Shepard asked.
"Dead. 2 years of torture and torment does that to a person," I threatened. Shepard drew his eyebrows down, a focus entering his searching eyes. "If you dragged me here to help you with your little colony problem, sorry, I have my own problems to deal with which are a little more important," I grumbled.
"Our goals are more aligned than you believe," the dark man replied.
"And you are?" I asked.
"Ah, introductions are in order," Shepard interrupted. My burning glower earned a curious flutter of eyebrows. "You are familiar with myself but for the benefit of your officers, I am Commander John Shepard, first human Spectre. My XO is Miranda Lawson and this is Jacob Taylor. Most of you also met Mordin Solus and Garrus Vakarian on the ground," Shepard introduced. My gaze flicked back to the team standing at my back. A sighed slipped free, exacerbated already. The things we did for the sake of pleasantries…
"For those not on the ground, I am Captain Endellion Shaik, leader of the Council ran RRTF unit, the Reaper Repulsion Task Force. My XO is Jorgal Raisha, my Commanders are Mat'al Delern, Valérien Autillin, Indira Thermi'a and Shayan'Ernal vas Moreh. Joining us also are Spectres Drutus Baragetus, Sitoln Noverok, Romani Fa'Ano and Marruns Bellium," I said. Everyone nodded their heads at their names.
"Four Spectres?" Shepard asked with a raised eyebrow.
"Darling, if you needed to know why there are 4, we'd tell you. But as you are working with a terrorist organisation – and one that is not only against my own employers but also many members of my crew – I have no obligation to tell you jack shit," I snorted. "What do you want?" Shepard frowned, studying me through new eyes. Well, he wasn't expecting this, was he? Garrus cleared his throat, noting the tension between us.
"We believe we may hunt the same foe, Dell," Garrus said. My gaze slid towards the turian, softening my stare. "We're looking for a group called the Collectors, a group of aliens linked to the Reapers, we think. The Illusive Man seems to think you know something about them," My expression blanked, a thousand questions rising. How the hell did the Illusive Man know we had information on the Collectors? Did something slip the net, did we have insecure data feeds? We shouldn't, everything related to Collectors or Reapers or Saboteurs wasn't transmitted except through secure transfers between the Council and I. Unless that was the weak link or they had someone on the inside on the Citadel's side… or ours. My eyes found Indira, the drell's eyes narrowed as she considered the same possibilities. It was her job to secure the data. This wouldn't sit with her, she would dig to the end of the galaxy to find out what happened. My focus shifted back to Shepard, staring down his judging eyes. I blinked, unwilling to reveal anything. Shepard frowned.
"Maybe the Illusive Man was wrong?" Shepard shrugged. "That or Dell hasn't woken up yet," A snarl ripped my lips open, although Shepard ignored it. His words stung more than I would admit. "EDI, bring up some of the footage from Freedom's Progress," Shepard commanded. Every muscle tensed, a bubble building in my stomach. EDI?
"Certainly, Shepard," a holographic sphere with sound bars answered, appearing on a flared stand beside Shepard. My jaw popped as screens filled the centre of the table.
"Is that a VI?" I asked. Shepard grinned. He noticed my discomfort.
"No, she isn't. This is EDI, the Normandy's artificial intelligence," he introduced. The little control that held me still snapped.
"Nope, I am not dealing with another one of these fucking things! We're out!" I snapped, turning for the door.
"Captain Shaik, she's shackled-" Jacob tried. A hard laugh rumbled in my throat.
"I lived in a ship with a fucking AI for 2 months! Fuck. That. Shit! If you want to talk deals, we have a fancier, AI free war room on the Starquake!" I barked. "Do you have any idea what it feels to be grounded by a fucking AI?! I was stuck in that fucking room for 4 days!" And Julian laughed! Laughed! The bastard enjoyed every fucking second of it!
"Alright, alright, deep breaths, Dell. EDI won't ground you," Garrus grinned, amusement lighting up his torn face. He wasn't even afraid of the glare trying to melt his visor. "Her shackles don't allow her have access to any parts of the ship. She can only observe,"
"I don't trust AIs, especially AIs under his command!" I said, jabbing a finger towards Shepard. "Who knows what the hell he'd do! He'd lock me in a cupboard or something!"
"Well, it would be funny," Shepard said with a rising smirk.
"Ok, we're gone! Everyone out!" I cried. Two steps towards the door, someone cleared their throat.
"Captain, hold a moment," Mordin interrupted. My feet twirled me around, my hair flying like a curtain of fire, a glare frozen on my face. "Understand Shepard is strenuous to work with, has caused… awkward repercussions with his curiosity already." Shepard had the curtesy to blush. "Collectors pose danger not only to humans, but every species. Imagine, entire colonies vanishing, turian, volus, asari. Without action now, the situation could tumble out of control," A slow blink, a blink to peer through the haze blinding me, fighting to understand his words through his quickened speech. My eyes caught sight of Shepard, a smug smile on his face. My hands clenched.
"We have some information on the Collectors, nothing useful though. Nothing that can link them to disappearing colonies if that is what you are suggesting," I said, folding my arms.
"And what do you know?" Miranda asked.
"Darling, I am under no requirement to answer that. I have a personal reason for going after the Collectors and unless you can tell me where I can pin one down and question it or tell me where their base is, there is nothing else you can offer," I growled.
"Then let's help each other," Shepard offered with a smirk. A scowl pinned to my face. "We want to look for the Collectors, you want to look for the Collectors. Let's pool our resources together and work together on this,"
"Shepard, the Collectors are a minor secondary objective," I sighed, agitated. Shepard remained passive, waiting, judging. "I have to worry about the Reapers and, more importantly, their sleeper agents," Shepard frowned.
"Sleeper agents?" he echoed. "You mean indoctrinated servants?"
"Not exactly. I am looking for Saboteurs, people who the Reapers reformed with their tech to house part of the consciousness of a Reaper. Once controlled, the body – known as the Shell – is an empty husk the Reaper controls as they will," I shrugged. "They are tricky to locate as you can imagine," Shepard folded his arms.
"Like who?" Shepard asked, scrunching his face up. I raised a brow.
"Are you familiar with Megan Prosser?" I asked. Shepard's face fell. "Yeah, she's a Saboteur under the control of her Reaper. Tried to kill me and my crew when we visited my old family home. The Reapers let them live so they can measure their personality so when they take control, you don't notice the difference," I said, frown creasing deeper. "I also have Rolidin Ker'lis down as a Saboteur. He tried to kill our engines to leave us floating in space with no power," Mordin's brows rose. "And I've already killed Saria T'Spia and Alea Shea'kal, the former was in C-Sec and Alea was an asari diplomat,"
"Megan is working for the Reapers?" Shepard asked, his tone dead. My head shook.
"Not anymore. Megan is a Reaper. Just in human flesh," I said. Shepard regarded me, emotions storming his face. "Maybe now you can appreciate my objective. The Collectors are fine and dandy but the Saboteurs are attempting to weaken our defences and destroy us from the inside,"
"The Collectors are kidnapping whole colonies-" Jacob exclaimed.
"And the Saboteurs have indoctrinated thousands, possibly millions of people throughout the galaxy! I had to deal with over 200 indoctrinated C-Sec officers, 149 scientists, to add to the 200 already dead over the past year alone. Look, I feel terrible that these colonies are missing but I cannot divert my resources like this!" I sighed. They couldn't learn about my connection to the Reapers. Shepard already had enough reason to torment me in his mind, thinking I am a Reaper is a death sentence if I ever saw one. The silence stretched for an eternity, neither side caving to the other.
"We appear to be reaching in impasse," Raisha said. "To what is your aim, Commander Shepard?" Shepard lifted his eyes, shifting it between us as he found his words.
"To locate and stop the Collectors. Our current aim is to pinpoint their base," Shepard answered. My spine snapped straight. He wanted to find them… the same as us. My teeth found my lip, glancing up to Raisha, the krogan giving me a sideways glance. Her stare itched me the way she tried to nudge me onwards. A slow sigh rushed through my nose.
"Then perhaps we can reach an agreement," I conceded, almost whining. Shepard folded his arms, waiting with a grin on his face. "You are looking for the Collectors, we are hunting for Reaper Saboteurs. We have early evidence that may link the Collectors and the Reapers but we need to do more research, it's a fuzzy link if you ever saw one. We are not yet comfortable releasing the data to even the Council yet so you'll forgive us if we are busy processing everything. If you find any information regarding Collectors or the Reapers or Saboteurs, we'll share what we have found once the scientists are happy. The last thing you want is to come across a Saboteur unprepared. It would help us identify their Shells as well,"
"You have evidence linking the Collectors and the Reapers? Captain, we need that data. Anything that can tell us who and why colonies are missing, the sooner we can-" Miranda asked.
"To Cerberus? No, it is far, far too personal," I said, tone dropping. Shepard frowned, studying me with this new titbit. My body held itself rigid, there was so little I could say without digging myself into a deep, deep hole.
"If we have to help each other Dell, we need to be able to trust each other," Shepard said. He scowled at the laughter erupting from me, not at all put off from the sourness.
"Shepard, you are an asshole and working for a terrorist group like Cerberus will not improve that. You don't deserve trust," I growled.
"I don't work for Cerberus," Shepard said. "They rebuilt me, gave me a ship, a crew and an objective and have left me to my own devices. I do not work for Cerberus,"
"Try telling me that while not wearing the Cerberus uniform," I said, tone dropping to Mat'al levels of frosty. Shepard fell still, lips pressed tight. "Do we have an agreement?" I asked.
"But you won't even share-" Miranda began. Shepard held up a hand. He captured my eyes, levelling his gaze. My hackles rattled.
"Yeah, we have an agreement," he said. "But I want to add something to it," Everything grimaced. His slow grin only filled me with dread. "I want to exchange numbers,"
"Are you kidding me?" I growled. "I can give you the Starquake call number-"
"Personal," Shepard smirked. "I'm interested in keeping in contact with this new Delly," My gaze chilled.
"Don't call me Delly," I said. Shepard opened his mouth, a cheeky grin on his face.
"No, don't call her Delly," Val enforced. Shepard scrunched his face up, turning to the turian ever loyal at my shoulder. "You don't need the reason. Just pack it in," Val scolded, giving me much needed backup. Shepard sighed.
"Fine, but I still want that number," Shepard said, folding his arms.
"Alright, fine! I'll give my number to the second biggest asshole in the galaxy!" I snapped, throwing my arms in the air before pinning my hands onto my hips.
"Only second?" Shepard said, hand on chest as he feigned insult. "I need to step up my game," My bones burned from the anger boiling through me.
"But I also want something; a bloody apology for being such a dick after the whole incident at the Citadel," I growled. Shepard smirked.
"Oh, now that's not fair. Tell you want, I'll apologise if you can beat me in combat," Shepard put his hands on his hips.
"Sure," I said, pulling out the Paladin. Jacob made a mad grab for his pistol but it didn't faze me. "Just tell me when,"
"Oh no, I meant a fist fight," Shepard said with a smile. Colour drained from me.
"Are you kidding me? I can't do hand-to-hand!" I blurted. A chill overtook me as the words tumbled out. Shepard's face lit up, filling me with the cold stones of dread.
"You can't do hand-to-hand? This new, hyper aggressive Dell cannot stand her ground in a fist fight?" He asked. My teeth bit my tongue. Shepard burst out laughing. My face flushed. "How can you not do hand-to-hand?! It's the first thing you learn in the military!" My temper snapped free the mask the embarrassment.
"I'll fucking kill you!" I roared, only spared from launching towards the bastard by Mat'al and Val grabbing me before my hands could pull me over the table to punch his face in.
"Dell, stop! He'll kick your ass!" Val grunted.
"I don't fucking care! I just want to punch his face in! One black eye, that's all I want! I'll even take a tooth!" I snapped.
"Aw c'mon, let her go! I'm ready!" Shepard jested, bouncing on his toes with fists up. Venom flew as a red haze blurred everything out.
"Endellion Shaik!" Raisha boomed. My rage crashed to a halt, every muscle frozen, still held by Mat'al and Val as my eyes snapped to her. Her frown set my teeth on edge. "Enough," she added. "You are a captain and this is not the behaviour of a captain. I understand that the last 6 months have been emotional and has caused you stress, but that is no excuse to lose your head," she scolded. My face burned with her words. My arms jerked free, if only to wrap my arms around me, too afraid to look at Shepard's expression.
"Is it that time of the month or something?" Shepard asked. My teeth clenched, jaw aching and my entire frame rattled as my emotions suppress the urge to kill him. Raisha rumbled.
"Commander Shepard, you have contacted us to secure an agreement of data sharing regarding the Reapers and the Collectors. Continue your behaviour and we shall leave without that agreement," Raisha threatened. Shepard fell silent, my eyes refused to move away from the wall.
"I… apologise, XO Jorgal, I overstepped my boundaries, I had wished to spark friendly banter," Shepard coughed, thrown by the wild differences between me and Raisha. Raisha snorted.
"It was not friendly, Commander. Especially towards a young woman you tormented at her time of need and support," Raisha said. Shepard shuffled, the atmosphere laden. He sighed.
"We have a deal?" he asked. My shoulders heaved.
"I suppose we do. We'll get data pulled together and arrange a transfer. I don't trust non-physical transfers to be secure," I answered.
"Good, good, then we'll uh… get everything sorted on our end," Shepard said, pulling himself straight as the commander came back out. His critical eyes swam between the crew and me.
"We'll be on our way then. Also, tell the Illusive Man I was joking," I added, trying to stop myself shaking.
"About…?" Shepard asked, spinning his hand on his wrist.
"He'll know." I grumbled. Shepard narrowed his eyes, analysing my body posture, my mood. Whatever conclusion he reached, he didn't share it. He strode around the table, ready to lead us back to the airlock. We followed, a faint murmur from the crew too quiet for my ears to pick up. Miranda shadowed Shepard, as if she didn't trust us which was probably for the best. From the corner of my eye, Shepard caught my sideways glances as we flicked through our Omni-tools. With reluctance, he received my number and his own added to the pile on mine.
"Well, I look forward to our next little conversation," Shepard answered. A sound rumbled in my throat, a light nod, keeping my face in the shadows.
"I'm sure you are," I said, relieved to see the airlock. My hand raised, darting through the tunnel to escape the Normandy and back into the familiar Starquake, a safe haven away from the asshole and the rest of the shit out there today.
After a quick headcount, my hand twirled above my head, listening the joining clamps release as the airlock tunnel telescoped and locked back against the Starquake. Back in the bridge, my eyes turned to the screens on the second floor, watching the Normandy bank away before gliding into the darkness. My hands still quivered, clenched on my upper arms for dear life. They would leave bruises at this rate. All the while, Raisha's eyes burned against my skin. Some newer crew members on the bridge looked over, noting our entrance and my quiet, downcast eyes. A silent prayer flew, begging they didn't know me well enough to know when I was broken.
"Lanster, continue to the scanning runs. I need to report to the Council," I said, clamping my teeth down when my voice trembled.
"Aye, aye, Captain… are you alright?" Lanster asked. Fuck!
"I'm fine. Just sick of having to deal with people who should be dead," I said, shaking my head, making a hasty retreat to the elevator.
"Endellion," Raisha called. My legs wanted to buckle, but only my stubbornness to flee kept me walking. "Endellion!" she tried again. Desperation wanted to run, desperation to save face kept me walking over the threshold, eyes on the elevator through the next door.
My hand slammed on the top floor button, too afraid to look back, too afraid to know if the embarrassed blush burned against my skin. Couldn't let the crew see me crumble, they couldn't see me crack. The doors closed, leaving me alone in the elevator. A trembling breath slipped free, slapping a hand over my mouth as a swell of emotions rose. I wanted to prove to Shepard I wasn't weak, that after all these years I didn't need help to stand on my own two feet and that I had grown and was no longer afraid. All he saw was a child taking temper tantrums at the tiniest insult, that I needing a massive team to hold my hand. I didn't know what was worse; Shepard seeing me as a stroppy child in charge of some anti-Reaper team or seeing me as a scientist too afraid to even look at myself in the mirror let alone talk to people. The elevator doors parted, my feet powered up the hall to my room, to my only sanctuary. To have Raisha smash my face in for my behaviour wasn't uncommon, but to do it in front of people? That wasn't her style. Not around strangers anyway. The door locked behind me, my back pressed against the cold metal as a tension crawled up through my chest, ballooning in my throat. My hand found my mouth again, back sliding down the door as the bubble wobbled, threatening to pop.
"Uh… Dell?" Lanster's voice popped over the intercom. Every muscle froze. "…would you like some chocolates sent up? We can send Mar through the vents to get them to you," he offered. Every muscle ached with tension, quivering as the bubble tickled my eyes, my whole chest tightening as my face burned once more. My eyes squeezed shut. A rapid bob of the head was all I could muster. "No worries. I'll keep the door secure," Lanster added. It took everything to suck a breath in.
"Thank you," I breathed, clambering away to somewhere soft to collapse on. The bed was a smart choice.