My body trembled as the four holograms formed before me, each face frowned. Blood simmered through my system, my mind struggling to peer through the red haze. My eyes focused ahead, even if my mouth twitched. The Councillors mumbled to themselves, discussing how to further soil my day. As I awaited judgment, my mind sorted the day's events to hurl them in the darkest corner. A memory of the shotgun flashed before me, tightening my jaw.
"Captain, this isn't acceptable," Udina sighed. The sound forced a snarl from my lips. "We tasked you with finding these Saboteurs to protect the galaxy. All you have produced in 2 years is 5 bodies and now 5 have escaped your grasp. You left the Saboteur on Tuchanka? You left?"
"I had no choice, Councillor," I strained. "What would you do with a shotgun to your face?"
"I am afraid I have to agree with Councillor Udina, Captain," Tevos said. "With the Jus'ae colony destroyed and now with this additional Saboteur you abandoned, we are… growing concerned," My jaw popped.
"Shaik, you current success rate with the Saboteurs is about 50%. That percentage is not good enough," Sparatus added.
"What do you want me to do about it?" I snarled.
"We have sent instructions to Admiral Bargatus. You – and your crew – require extensive training," Valern said. Udina frowned.
"I do not remember this arrangement," he said. "While it is true, we cannot afford to let Shaik become distracted. The Saboteur attacks are increasing with each passing day,"
"True, however, the long term benefit of turian and Spectre grade training can only improve the effectiveness of the crew's abilities. A long, running theme within all of Shaik's reports is she is trying to solo the Saboteurs," Sparatus said.
"That isn't true!" I barked.
"Saria T'Spia, Tamrud In'ste, Alurylna and now Jorgal Innot. Alea Shae'kal and Hertio Anctia are the only Saboteurs you have utilised the crew. Although it is my understanding that during the fight with Maneus Floriion, you gave no orders to the Spectres. Your inexperience is playing against you, Captain. We need to rectify this," Valern said. Hands quivering by my sides, I clenched my fists.
"Agreed. Captain, as a member of our 'employment', your development is crucial to us. I suggest that you take this opportunity to learn. It appears you did not while assigned to Rear Admiral Imperious' team," Tevos said. "Admiral Bargatus will explain the details to you when ready, Captain. We look forward to your next reports. And for the record," she added. My muscles tensed. "We have not forgotten about our little talk regarding this 'Julian Shaik'. After the last… contact we had with him…"
"I told you not to go near him, Councillors," I growled. "Not my fault you didn't listen,"
"Yes, well, we found the Spectre ship stranded outside of the Horsehead Nebula relay. The Spectre reports that the dreadnaught opened fire without warning 10 minutes after opening talks with the Admiral. The Constellation forced the ship through the relay and abandoned them,"
"He what?!" I gawked. "But he said he did no physical harm!"
"The crew is unharmed, or as unharmed as one can be. The ship will require a new drive core, however," Sparatus said. "So, how do you condone such behaviour, Shaik? Is he not an ally? He aided us on Palaven,"
"He… doesn't… like people," I said. The Council blanched, expressions emptying. "He doesn't! I told you not to go near him!"
"You approach him without due cause for care," Udina growled.
"Yes, because he likes me," I grumbled. "I'll… speak to him another time. He's a paranoid man, no doubt he did it to get the Spectres off his ass. He's… suspicious of everything," I shrugged. The Council sighed.
"The ship will require repairs. I'm sure we can divert the funds from the RRTF to cover it," Udina said. My jaw dropped.
"And how it is my fault? I told you not to go near him!" I snapped, the red haze descending.
"True. We'll deduct a small amount to cover the damages," Valern added. Blood burned my organs, my hands twitching for the button before me. My hand slammed on it and the holograms vanished.
I ground my teeth. What the fuck!? What did Julian have to do with me? How was it my fault? Or was this some sick game to break me into telling him who he was? And what the fuck were they expecting from me for combat experience? My hands grabbed a box from the table. I screamed as a box of gun parts flew across the room, cracking a glass panel leading up to the next tier. My hands found my hair, pulling until it threatened to rip. Air forced its way through my teeth, I doubled over as my knees trembled to hold me. What did they expect from someone who didn't have the same military experience as a normal captain? By every right, I shouldn't even be out of the first goddam rank possible! I only went military on May of 2183! It was now creeping into December 2185! As I paced around the room, agitation rose with each step.
How does one cope with this? The Council riding on my ass, Julian throwing my ass into the fire, Saboteurs turning people who knew me enough to trust me against me. And then there was Raisha. Even once she regained consciousness, the mental scars… I piled out of my room, desperate for air, to feel the wind in my hair. Halfway down the halls, the realisation of living in a spaceship solidified my muscles. Air stuttered in my lungs. My eyes found the elevator. The halls compressed, the roof crumpled. Everything was too close. Too small. Nowhere to run. My eyes landed on the elevator, my body sprinting forward. The dark elevator did not ease the claustrophobia, the walls closing around me, everything strangled me. There was no exit, my hands scrambled along the walls, there was no exit! A button beeped, snapping my muscles still. As the elevator swirled around me, I braced against a corner.
The kitchen area greeted me as I stumbled out. Only a scattering of crew remained here, sulking over their meals. The smell of dinner still clung to the air like a spicy musk- Shit, shit, shit, they couldn't see me like this. No, no, no one can see me break! To flee, I fled down the hall to the bow. Laughter erupted beside me, my heart crashing against my ribs. My eyes flew to the rear lounge. Bodies filled the room, the pool table masked by people as a competition spiralled on. Shaken hands found my face. Can't let them see. Can't let them see. The door beside me opened as I staggered inside. Not a soul. The neon blue and purple lights blinded me, disorientating me. There was no horizon to concentrate on, the room swelled before me. What would stop this? What would help me?
The bar loomed before me. An idea ran through my mind. Maybe… It helped other people right? With flailing hands, I dragged myself across the floor. The child proof locks were impossible with a quivering body. The door ended up on the floor. Bottles glittered before me. A few spirits, a rare beer, some mixers. My hands snatched a bottle of strawberry flavoured vodka, then dived back in for a second. Back on my feet, the room swelled as my rattled senses directed me to the door. The whole room rolled like a ship in a storm. Can't let them see. Can't let them see!
My hands scrabbled with the elevator buttons, the numbers blurring. Muscle memory took me to the top floor again. The hall remained empty, feet staggering back to the privacy of my room. My hand smashed the blurry buttons on the door until a red haze appeared. The bottles clinked against my chest as I fell into the bathroom. The pain throbbed on my side before dwindling non-existent. Shadows crept along my vision, arms dragging me forward, seeking freedom. Indoctrination? Was this it? Was I in the final stages and was unaware of it? The scream died in my throat, a hand clawing up the wall.
The shadows vanished as cold water showered over me. Air stuck in my throat, muscles freezing. The swaying eased, the crushing walls straightened. My eyes drifted up, my throat drying as the shower knobs reared before me. A hand reached up, turning the hot one. The cold water warmed, my thoughts remained clear. Water crashed onto my face, replacing air as I choked. The wall behind me was the only solid object around me. The bottles rolled beside me. Water soaked through, allowing time to burry my face into my knees. My peace didn't last. The walls twisted, my heart thundered. A hand scrambled for a bottle. The lid freed with a pop, a mouthful gone in an instant. The sweet liquid twisted my stomach, I gagged. It was so sweet, it was nothing by sugar! The crushing eased, my thoughts flitted back to sanity. The bottle rose, I drank another mouthful, then another. Alcohol shoved the claustrophobia away.
The walls swayed, but my thoughts remained clear. I could think, breathe. Every muscle slackened, my head flopping back. Maybe now I can get my head clear, get a plan of action prepared. So many problems and everyone expected me to have the answers. Air slid down my wetted throat. Home affairs first, deal with the home affairs first. The falling water captured my gaze. XO, Mat'al had to remain in the XO position, despite my preferences. Things should've gotten simpler with Mat'al as XO, we could do our job without back peddling. Instead, he scolded me worse than Raisha ever did. He over-ruled my orders a helluva lot more too. He had been a captain, or a leader at least, he knew the procedures and raised more than a few queries as to my 'flailed work-arounds'. Another drink quashed the words. There had been no training for captain-hood, every resource available in the first few months I clawed together; how to keep a ship running, health and safety, considerations and hazards for cross-species interaction. The Starquake ran from information gathered through trial and error since the day we left Sur'Kesh. From what Mat'al said, it was a fuck up. He didn't like my crew training and armoury procedures. That was despite Val assured me he had arranged everything similar to how the turians did it. If someone could replace Mat'al, I would do it in a heartbeat.
Then there were more problems with Mat'al as XO; his replacement. As the highest rank outside the 6 Command posts, promoting Anthon to the Commander rank of Science made sense. The problem? Anthon was part of the Intel teams, meaning the efficiency I expected sank, much to Mat'al's dismay. Then there was promoting everyone else. So we had the promoted guys training the guys below them on the new tasks while receiving training from those above them. My crew was collapsing. It took two mouthfuls to drown those thoughts.
Raisha. Gods, spirits, Goddess, why Raisha? My anger blinded my actions but a family member as a Saboteur? The statistics favoured us, how many souls inhabited in the galaxy? A few trillion? Raisha was unlucky. She was off IVs. Mordin suggested not to go ahead with the surgery on her throat. With her primary lungs collapsed and beyond recoverable, the whole primary trachea will be removed, including primary vocal chords. She would lose the reverberations in her voice, but she would speak. Family… why did family always throw us unto horrible situations? Like Julian! That fucking asshole! Emotion swelled, forcing my eyes shut. A drink failed to chase it away. It didn't work, my mouth remained parched. The bottle didn't swash, I tossed it aside.
Julian getting me in trouble with my own fucking employers. Typical, fucking typical. Why didn't he kill Saboteurs for once? To sit back and wait… why was he waiting? Was he… had he lost? My heart thundered. Was he gone? My hands scrambled for the second bottle. No, no, no, no. The bastard couldn't lose, I needed his fleet! Oh fuck, who would take over? Who was his second? Was… no, not me. An Admiral... Captain was hard enough! How many times had the ship fallen apart because of my decisions? To have an entire fleet under me? No experience, no tactical knowledge, little combat experience, terrible leadership skills and for what? Sobs rose to choke me, a hand rising to my mouth. To throw myself at the Saboteurs and pray? To push my family into danger? Oh fuck, Gid. Oh Gid. Because of me, Sitoln wanted him dead. A Saboteur had targeted him. No, no all of them did. They wanted me, they wanted to kill him to get to me! Why did I adopt him? What kind of parent allows their child to put themselves into danger?
He wanted to help, but he's 12! He can't fight a Saboteur, he can't! My muscles tensed, body curling up, rocking with the swelling sobs. If anything happened to him… how can anyone live with that following them? He had gone through so much shit, so much stupid, horrible parenting. He should've gone to the child services before we hit Saria. Dammit, he was my responsibility, he should've gone! Because of me, he was in constant danger! He was abandoned on the Starquake to fend for himself for a stupid date, he was dragged into a ship crash. That he survived was a miracle. Then Dekuuna! Not a word about where I was going or who would look after him! And then there was Sitoln. Oh he hated him and still I went for that fucking coffee! Then Val! No thinking, no planning, no what ifs. The draw of companionship drew me in, to feel someone that close, taking me away from the strain of captain. The basics of parenting flew out the window: my child was no longer my first concern. Then he had to deal with all the bureaucracy after Sitoln threw me into a coma for a month! He had to do all of that himself because there was no one else! It was my fault, it was mine, mine!
This couldn't continue. My mind couldn't cope with this, I didn't want this, my anxiety couldn't… The wall slipped away, tears joining the soaked floor as my body collapsed. Air, freedom, no more stress. My body demanded it. My will to fight was dead. My soul wearied. The Council's expectations were too high, raising a child in a war was the worse idea in the world, my brother aggravated the situation, the crew depended on me to lead. I couldn't do… I couldn't do this anymore. It was too much. Please! Please let me off! It was… it was… my words died. Something felt wrong, so wrong. The room rocked, my head ached and bile rose and churned. My vision remained a haze. Something chinked nearby.
"Were these full when you started?" a voice asked. A gurgle strained from my throat, eyes squinting through the blur. Copper passed by my vision. A hiccup, the tears sticking to my cheek. The water stopped, the reason for my discomfort. A sigh sounded beside me. "C'mon, Dell. You're soaked, you drained the entire hot water system 10 minutes ago. Oh Spirits, you're freezing,"
Hands reached down, coaxing my limp body into a semi-vertical position. The bile surged. My hands flailed, gagging on the sour taste. Someone yanked my body, my vision cleared enough to see the water at the bottom of the toilet. The twisting stomach retched the drinks. Shivers rocked me, sobs choking between the cramps. A hand supported my abdomen, preventing from collapsing off the toilet. My body eased back, leaning against a wall. A hand released my soaked hair to freeze my back. A hiccup jerked my body, the tears eroding river channels on my cheeks. My soaked clothes peeled away, the cold air summoning a shiver. A towel scratched my skin as it eased over my shoulders.
"Not having a good day, I take it," the voice murmured. "Spirits, Dell, you didn't drink both litre bottles did you? They're 40%, you're a featherweight," it sighed as hands brushed my hair into a ponytail, squeezing the water away. Another towel draped over my head. Arms scooped me off the floor, leaving the darkened shower for the orange illuminated bedroom. My nose ran, a headache rattled my brain. My head flopped, burrowing into something soft.
"I'm sorry," I mumbled.
"Hmm? You must to speak louder than that, Dell. Even my hearing isn't that sensitive," Val chuckled.
"I'm sorry," I said.
"For what? Getting rat arsed and giving yourself alcohol poisoning?" Val snorted. He lay me on the bed, a cold chill of medi-gel flooding me. Fingers massaged my swimming head as he dried my hair. "That's why you've got me. You're not the first person I've picked off the floor. Won't be the last," I moaned.
"I'm a terrible person," I wept. Val scowled above me.
"Bullshit, you're stressed, you're worried, you've got a lot on your shoulders and you're struggling to cope," he said. He scowled as a shrill sound filled the air. "It's the fucking Council again," My hands slipped into my hair, sobbing worsening.
"I-I don't wanna… I don't wanna see them," I cried. Val clicked his mandibles. He knelt down and kissed my temple.
"Una, block the Council number until further notice," Val said.
"Roger that, Commander," Una said. The shrill sound stopped. My body quivered, unable to move a muscle. Val pressed his hot face to my forehead.
"They won't be bothering you for a little while," he murmured as he fussed over me. My heart bloomed. I was a terrible person… but Val, he didn't care…
The fresh uniform stank my nose, wrinkling it as the zip sealed the jacket shut. Kala's server sleeve slipped, careful to keep the wires straight. It was time to go back to doing nothing. The boots were more difficult, stamping my feet to secure them. Kala's camera watched me, catching my attention as she watched my morning routine. The window captured me. A green nebula floated by as we travelled at FTL, pin points of amber and blue light glittering throughout. It could be worse, could be on a space station, staring at the same sights over and over again. Kala's visor stained half the room yellow as I approached the computer.
"Good morning, Gideon," Kala greeted.
"Morning," I sighed, thumping down on the chair. Muscle memory opened a browser, eyes scanning to find interesting new from during the night. A small crash near a relay at Thessia, someone caught with fraud on the Citadel… urg! "I am so bored!"
"Oh come now, it isn't that bad. You can always do some coding," Kala offered. A frown pinned to my face.
"I've done so much coding I can reprogram a planet's defence system in my sleep," I grumbled, pushing myself to my feet. "There has to be something I can do. Anything! Ship repairs, calibrations, even supervised navigation! I've done exercise routines so I can get ready for action. I've done the basic pistol training, I have the armour. Mum doesn't let me do anything!" My hands ran through my hair as I paced the room.
"She is your mother, Gideon. She worries about you," Kala said. A scowl aimed towards the camera. Kala tutted in answer. "Besides, if a Saboteur got their hands on you, I do not think your mother would survive the encounter,"
"I know that. That's why I need experience before the Reapers arrive!" I moaned. My eyes itched, dragging a hand up to rub them. "I'll go ask one more time. Maybe I can convince her to let me do light stuff,"
"You can try, but I do not think she will budge from her position," Kala said. A sigh ripped free. She was right, but that would not stop me.
The door opened with a whoosh as I powered down towards the elevator. Nalirn, Frank and Veracia shared the journey down to the CIC. The salarian, human and turian ignored me as they chatted. Veracia disappeared into the intel room, Nalirn into the lab, Frank was going down another floor. When I marched inside the CIC, the scene before me was abnormal. This early in the morning, mum would have a swarm around her with reports. Yet no one huddled around the captain's chair. Sassy was the one who had to deal with the bombardment. A frown tipped my lips down, eyes scanning as I approached the chair. It was empty.
"Is… mum doing something?" I asked. Cops clicked his mandibles as he looked over to Sassy. The salarian frowned in return.
"Your mother had a rough night, I'm letting her sleep in," Cops said.
"Yes, after ordering Shayan to secure the door with a passkey and granting you the only copy," Sassy said. Cops shrugged.
"She needs sleep, especially from you or did you not get the 'point' after yesterday?" Cops drawled. Sassy narrowed his eyes as he returned a datapad to Eden. The electricity between the pair sparked over my head.
"I… was hoping to talk to her," I shuffled. Cops glanced down from the control panel before him.
"Oh? Nothing we can't deal with?" he asked.
"Ah… well… I dunno," I glanced around the room. Mum couldn't consent to training me, at least until she wakes up and has her coffee. What now? The only thing that would keep me alive was experience, even if it was against targets on a string or something. The room hummed with activity, my eyes scanned the room. There was no way Cops would through me out into danger. He was worse than mum in that respect. After becoming my official 'guardian', he had taken several pages out of mum's book. And Ray's. He didn't restrict me as much – telling me to stop what I was doing – but he allowed less when I ask. He didn't know what mum allowed and didn't.
Diri wouldn't be up to it either. Behind that bouncy exterior, the drell knew the dangers. She also knew Dell's opinions about me and fighting. No, Diri would never put me in harm's way. Unless it was a prank, then all bets were off. Flash was too afraid to leave the ship and the thought of combat send the quarian quivering. Ray would never let me out, even before this whole incident with her family. My eyes found the floor. Ray scared me because she was a much stricter mother than mum was. At least mum left me to do my homework myself and trusted me to do it, Ray didn't. The only person left was Sassy. My eyes found the salarian as he passed a datapad. He… might be up for it. A tingle ran up my leg, shuffling my weight. Mum's stories of her days training with him, of being shot and having grenades thrown at her… did he do that? He had shot her, yeah, he had shot me too. Grenades though? Well, sometimes you had to things you hate to get what you want.
"Uh, Sassy?" I called, shuffling up. The white faced salarian glanced down. "Can… Can I talk to you please?"
"Are we not conversing?" he asked. My face scrunched, a pout fighting free.
"In private," I grumbled.
Sassy smiled, closing down his omni-tool as he walked towards the door. He chased away the remaining crew members as I trotted after him. Sassy led me into the war room. Sassy reached for a control panel on the table, the door closing behind me. A click sounded behind me, the door locked. The red hologram sent a shudder running up my spine as my eyes slid to Mat'al. He leaned against the table, folding his arms.
"Now, what did you wish to discuss?" he asked. My shoulders rolled back, my lips pulled tight.
"I… I-I would like you train me," I said. Sassy blinked once. The eyebrow rose.
"I'm sorry, I think I misheard you there. What did you ask?" he asked, cleaning an ear out with the top of his finger. My shoulders together.
"I-I would like you to train me, l-like you trained mum," I repeated. Sassy paused, eyes flicking up and down me. He chuckled.
"Boy, you wouldn't last 5 minutes," he said.
"Mum did!" I snapped.
"Because your mother had no choice," he shrugged. "And by the time she did, it was too late, she was a captain. You, on the other hand," he said as he pushed himself off the table, beginning a slow circle around me. "You think you are confident, able to do anything with your boundless youth. But you are a brash, cocky little child who freezes at the first sign of trouble," he elbowed my back, making me stumble. Balancing on my toes, I spun to glare at him.
"So did mum! Everyone says she couldn't make a move against anything!" I growled.
"Yes, because we gave her no choice. We knew what she was facing, or didn't but can appreciate the struggles. Unlike her, you don't have a Reaper in your head forcing you to be afraid, do you?" Sassy asked, a cold smile on his face. My heated glare didn't affect him.
"What are you so scared of? I can be careful!" I said.
"Bringing your corpse back and having to explain to your mother what happened, for one," Sassy said. Teeth grinded in my mouth. "Second, your mother was a terrified little critter when I first taught her. She never had to be taught to be quiet and seek cover. You," he pointed, looking me up and down. "Well, I need not finish that sentence,"
"Sassy, c'mon, please-" I begged.
"No," he said.
"Sassy-" I tried.
"I said no!" he snapped. "You are too young, too stupid and too full of bravado. You'll leap into a situation you think you can handle, realise you fucked up and freeze until you get your ass shot. Think back to when Sitoln attacked the Starquake. Besides, your mother would never forgive me if something happened,"
"W-What about sniping? I-I can be far away, out of trouble!" I pleaded. Sassy heaved a sigh, the frosty exterior melting from the fire inside.
"To be a sniper is more complicated than sitting in the back and waiting. Pure snipers are a rarity these days. Snipers are infiltrators or specialist soldiers. And trust me, boy, I know what I'm talking about," Sassy warned.
"Please, there has to be something! Sitoln wants me dead! You know that! Mum's told you, I know she has! What if mum and you and Cops are away in a mission and Sitoln attacks the ship?" I asked.
"You belittle the crew," Sassy frowned. "They are more trained than you believe,"
"And what about if the mission is on the same scale as Tuchanka? What if there is only a few people here and Silton brings an army? I have to defend myself!" Sassy squeezed his fingers into the corner of his eyes. "What happens if a Saboteur jumps me on the Citadel?"
"You run," he sighed. "Like every other sane person,"
"Mum wouldn't," I glowered.
"Your mother has been fighting Saboteurs for over two years now. Even her first Saboteur battle was alone. She knows how to defend herself. Besides, your mother would radio for help," Sassy said.
"B-But what if I can't run?" I asked. Sassy glanced down. "What if they corner me, what if I get surrounded by indoctrinated servants, what if I can't run anymore because of Physical Disablement?"
"If it was physical disablement, boy, you wouldn't be able to fight your way out regardless, as shown with Alurylna. You are not a krogan, you don't have a redundant nervous system. The only specialisation you could fight you way out of, environmental conditions permitting, is Tech Incap. We have just experienced the true horror of Mental Assault and your mother experienced Sensory Overload on Palaven. There is not a damn thing you can do otherwise," Sassy shrugged, the cool exterior frosting over again.
"But… but if I can't run and I can't fight, what do I do?" I asked. Sassy pulled his shoulders back, looking away to studying the wall. "What do I do?" I pressed.
Sassy sighed as he paced, fingers squeezing the bridge of his nose. With upturned eyebrows, my eyes followed Sassy as he paced. Sassy removed his hands, only to hold his chin, ignoring me as he thought. He would glance to me every now and then. But he would always return to face the ahead with a sigh. My fingers crossed, I bit my lip as to not ruin this moment. Stay quiet, just stay quiet and let him think. Please, please let me try! Let me do something useful! Sassy paused by me, eyes on the wall ahead of him. His silver speckled navy eyes flicked down. He breathed in once, a slow exhale. He put his hands on his hips. My eyebrows rose a touch, hope poking free.
"I will discuss it with your mother when she is awake," he grumbled. My face burst into life, my fingers tingling. "However," he raised a finger. My smile slipped. "If you do anything between now and when we leave that makes me question whether you are a danger to yourself. You do not go out. Do I make myself clear?"
"Y-yes, sir!" I saluted. Sassy popped his jaw, watching me.
"Now out, I have work to get on with," he said as he passed me. A grin spread wide on my face. A chance. I had a chance to be useful to the crew!
A/N: I apologise if this doesn't match how a drunk person acts. I've never been drunk to experience what it's like XD Anyway, super, super, SUPER long chapter next, but it's action packed! Also, I've tried to cut back on the use of 'I', although I've now probably got an abundance of 'My' now XD Dammit, replaced one problem with another