"There is an AI in the wind generator," Emersyn said bluntly in the radio. "Why did no one tell me there was an AI in the wind generator!?"
"Because until recently, I didn't know more of Freelancer's digital shitcrumbs were lying around. I didn't even know my damn captain was an agent!" Church said in annoyance. "I swear, the more this shit pops up, the more I want to shoot something."
"I'm sure," Emersyn said uneasily. "And you're sure the Murderbot isn't working with this Gamma?"
"Well, I asked Delta, and he puts it that we have a bigger chance of spontaneous self-combustion than of Omega working together with Gamma," Church explained.
"Comforting imagery to think about," Emersyn said sarcastically. "Is there anything I should know about this temple? Anything dangerous?"
"No, I asked Doc. They cleared out for a new place and took their dangerous junk with them," Church explained. "Broken turrets, half-assed security that you can literally walk out of, and the broken bodies of a very, very slow robot army."
"Oh god, you weren't joking about the robot army," Emersyn muttered with a groan.
"Bitch, what makes you think that was a joke?" Church asked in amusement.
Emersyn snorted. "For my remaining sanity, I have to assume you're joking about most things until I have proof of them. You know, like the fact that apparently Caboose's gun shoots crayons. Because how did he even make that work?"
"It's Caboose, he tends to make anything either bend to his logic or break it while trying," Church remarked flatly. "So, when do we head out?"
"We?" Emersyn questioned.
"Hey, this asshole subjected me to a thousand years of knock-knock jokes! I'm coming along," Church forcefully.
"Wonderful. Look, we'll detain and question Wyoming, then go can this code of shit, okay?" Emersyn offered.
"Sure...by the way, how is everything going on the Freelancer side of things?" Church asked curiously.
"When it's smooth, it's smooth, when it's not? It hits the fan," Emersyn answered plainly. "A lot of the agents and other members came in without a fight. Well, there was a fight with the Dakota twins, but that was more the brother stopping his sister from getting herself killed. The simtroopers have been...a mixed bag."
"Yeah, you're preaching to the choir here," Church reminded.
"I mean some of them have trouble believing us," Emersyn explained. "I don't mean like Sarge, who doesn't want it to be over, I mean like they're worried it's a trap or just have a hard time accepting they've been living and fighting for a lie."
"Yeah, that'll fuck with people," Church agreed with a sigh. "Some people are going to need a lot of therapy after this."
Emersyn wisely chooses not to comment.
"Oh fuck you, I was the most mentally stable person in this canyon before your ship showed up," Church defended.
"That's what worries me," Emersyn retorted.
It wasn't entirely a joke.
Meanwhile
"Grif? Grif, are you hiding in here?" Simmons called as he walked around the ship.
"Over here, and I'm not hiding," Grif answered, currently hunched over an open crate. "Just snooping."
"In your sister's ship?" Simmons asked in surprise.
"That sounds worse than it should," Grif mused. "We kind of just ignored this thing after she showed up."
"I mean, yeah, the systems were damaged when it...well, dropped more than landed," Simmons mused. "Why the sudden interest?"
"Look, it's my Sister, so I actually think about things that involve her," Grif answered. "She said she stole this ship, but then laughed it off and said they just sent her in it. I'm honestly not sure which is true. Cause how the hell did my sister end up here?"
"She signed up because she missed you, she told everyone that," Simmons reminded.
"No, I get why she is here, I don't get how she is here," Grif stipulated. "This is a fake war as part of a secret project, right?"
"Right?" Simmons agreed, wondering where this was going.
"And we, supposedly are just cannon fodder in all this. Bodies to fill their bases. So how the hell did my sister go from enlisting to arriving here? Because either she found our location in a computer, or the freelancers cared enough to send my very stupid baby sister to the base, and put her on the enemy side, "Grif explained, pausing in realization. "Huh. It just dawned on me how fucked that is. I'm kind of pissed now."
"Wow, you...did put a lot of thought into that," Simmons realized. "...And yeah, that is weird to think about. Because either your sister has some very weird mix of good and bad luck or-"
"She has buckets of both," Grif agreed.
"-OR," Simmons continued forcefully. "Freelancer was watching our families."
That was an unpleasant notion they both silently considered.
"But how the hell does looking through this ship help you with any of that?" Simmons asked curiously.
"Hmm? Oh, right. Well, I figure the army, the real army? They get better stuff than us. There's no way they wasted all that good equipment on us, right?" Grif pointed out.
"Maybe? So, if the stuff on this ship is better than ours, your sister stole it. If it's about the same as ours, Freelancer sent her off here," Simmons summarized.
"Yep. Trouble is, I have no idea how to do that. There are guns, grenades, and more stuff on this ship, but they all look about the same to me," Grif mused. "Maybe Sarge or Omega can figure it out?"
"Grif, I hate to tell you this. I mean, I really, really hate to say it. But there was an easier, lazier way to figure this out," Simmons pointed out in amusement.
"...What?" Grif asked blankly.
"You could have just asked Emersyn and the others to check the Freelancer records," Simmons pointed out.
"Goddammit," Grif groaned, slamming the container in front of him shut before sitting on it, reclining against another. "Okay, I'm going to nap here now."
"Yeah, about that," Simmons said.
Grif pretended to snore, rather convincingly.
"Sarge wants you to help Lopez test out the turrets," Simmons explained.
Grif snored louder.
"He said if you don't, he's letting Donut clean your armor," Simmons added in, raising his voice
Grif made his snoring even louder.
"And he'll clean it while you're sleeping!" Simmons called over the racket.
Grif tried to snore louder and ended up choking on his own breath, lurching up. "Okay, that went down wrong!" Grif grunted, pounding his chest.
"Oh, good, you're awake," Simmons said with feigned innocence.
"Ass," Grif grunted out. "Anything else to relay?"
"Yeah. Sarge also told me to say that he never said that he definitely didn't ask Lopez to not use you for non-target practice," Simmons related.
"...The fuck? Was that word for word?" Grif asked in bewilderment.
"Yeah, he made me repeat it back to him three times," Simmons explained. "I'm not even sure how many times that negates itself."
"We can pretty well guess what it means. He told Lopez that I would make a good bullseye," Grin said knowingly.
"Wasn't too hard to figure out," Simmons agreed. "Oh, right, and your Sister says hello."
"...What, did you see her on the way here?" Grif asked, confused and mildly suspicious.
"Huh? Oh, no, she's on the other side of the Gate with the others," Simmons explained casually.
"..." Grif suddenly sat up. "What?"
"Yeah, she wanted to come see what it was like over there and Church wasn't having her do anything so-" Simmons started, only for Grif to suddenly get up, walking with a rather quick gait to him. "Grif? You-?"
"I'm heading through the fucking gate," Grif called back as he left the ship.
"What's gotten into him?" Simmons asked idly.
"I hope it wasn't a butt-bug."
"WHA!" Simmons yelped, nearly jumping out of his armor to see a certain Blue. "Caboose! How long have you been there!?"
"Oh, I'm always here," Caboose said mysteriously. "This is my clubhouse! It is the Ship of Friendship! Grif said he needed to see if Sister left anything here, so I let him be an honorary member."
"And you didn't say anything when I entered?"
"Aren't you and Grif a two-for-one deal? If I let him join, I have to let you join? And Spice-purses?" Caboose asked in confusion.
"I...Okay, I'm going to just leave now. Have fun, Caboose. And thanks for helping us with the base," Simmons said.
"Oh. Sargent isn't mad that I knocked the wall over?" Caboose asked in relief.
"He's not, we should have been a bit more specific on what you were supposed to move to where," Simmons assured.
"I thought it was a little unclear. How was I supposed to know the panels on the wall weren't supposed to be moved with the rest that were in the pile?" Caboose said in his own defense.
"Most people figure that out when the plates are bolted in place and need to be ripped off, but we know that might be confusing," Simmons assured.
Meanwhile
"Yo, Grif, I-"
"Fuck off, got to go check on my unsupervised sister in the fantasy land with rapist romans!" Grif said, quick and casual as he passed by Church.
"-I don't want to know," Church decided before going to his communicator. "Tucker, come in, Tucker. The fuck are you right now?"
"Red base, Dude," Tucker answered over the calm. "Just got finished giving Junior a bubble bath."
"Huh, Donut is good for more than just tossing," Church mused.
"Ha! Phrasing!" Tucker said with a snicker.
"Honk-Honk!"
"He says hi," Tucker said with an audible grin.
"Honkle Blurch!"
"The hell did he just call me? Tucker, what have you been teaching him?" Church asked in bewilderment, possibly offended.
Tucker laughed over the coms. "Haha, he's trying to say 'Uncle Church!'"
Church instantly hung up, but he could hear the laughs from halfway across the canyon. He stood there in deep consideration before nodding to him. "Yeah, I have no idea how to respond to that," he decided before turning the radio back on.
"HAHA! Come on, dude, he likes you! It's a good thing!" Tucker insisted over his own laughter, and Junior's.
"Shut it, Chucklefucks. Look, we got another AI," Church informed.
"Another? What are we at, five? Six?" Tucker asked, annoyed yet amazed. "And Freelancer was only supposed to have only one. Yeah right."
"Yeah, well, turns out we know this one. Remember Gary?" Church asked.
"Well, yeah, he's an AI, but-" Tucker stopped in understanding. "He's a Freelancer AI?"
"Yeah, turns out he's Wyoming's AI. Thankfully, Omega doesn't like this one," Church remarked.
"Dude, I hate to tell you this, but your digital lapdog doesn't like anyone BUT you," Tucker reminded in amusement. "Not even Tex. He just loves fucking with her, like a Chihuahua loves to bite at ankles or balls."
"Okay, correction, none of the AIs like him. Cause Gary is supposed to be a constant liar on top of loving knock-knock jokes," Church explained. "Long story short, I'm going with some of Emersyn's people to go collect him. You coming?"
"Why me?" Tucker asked curiously.
"They told me to ask. Vig wants to try and figure out more about the weapon of yours and the sight," Church explained.
"Tall, beautiful, and Nordic is coming?" Tucker asked with what he thought was a smooth tone.
"Only if you are. Try not to let that go to your head," Church said blandly.
"Too late!" Tucker countered. "Sure, I'll be there. Just got to leave Junior with Doc."
"Good. Meet up over at the parking space in twenty minutes," Church said before ending the call and heading to the location himself.
The "Parking Space" was what they had taken to calling the small area of the canyon, on the walls midway between the bases, where the Yellow Death's pelican usually landed when bringing troops to and from the orbiting ship. Church didn't remember who started the nickname, the Blood Gulchers or the newcomers.
He was expecting the pelican to be there, but not the company awaiting him.
"Tex? You coming too?" he asked in surprise.
"What, I'm not allowed to come along on the adventures anymore?" Tex asked bluntly.
"I don't know, are you?" Church countered curiously.
"Emersyn wanted me along in case things go pear-shaped since I'm very experienced with that," Tex explained.
"I feel like that's a sex joke, but only one Tucker would know," Church said idly. "But if Bits said it's fine, sure."
"If Bits says it's fine," Tex repeated levelly.
"Well, yeah. I'd rather not give them an extra reason to lock you up, you know," Church reminded.
"Uhuh, sure," Tex said passive-aggressively. "Where's your lap dog?"
"Staying here. Partially to keep him here because, you know, it's still Omega. But also to keep an eye on the others, in case something else tries to come through the gate," Church reasoned. "Tucker is on his way though."
"What a great trio we make," Tex intoned.
"Quad, or whatever four would be," Church corrected.
"What?" Tex said with a frown.
"Quartet, Captain Church," Delta informed, appearing on Church's shoulder. "Greeting, Agent Texas."
Tex stared at the green AI with an uncanny stillness.
"Yeah, just in case we run into any modern asshole with military armor? I wanted to actually be able to fucking shoot them, so I asked Delta and York if I could borrow him for a bit," Church elaborated. "You know, cause of that friendly-fire protocols that Sarge apparently put into my robot?"
"Right, protocols, that," Tex agreed absently.
"Wait," Church said with a scowl. "Why the hell does MINE have a friendly fire and yours doesn't? The horsefuckery is that luck?"
"If I may?" Delta cut in. "Perhaps it is simply a case of Agent Texas never truly being a member of Blue Team and therefore none would register as "friendly" to the protocol?"
"Eh, I want to say bullshit, but I can't think of anything better," Church remarked. "But you can shut mine off?"
"I apologize, but decoding how to remove the protocol has become a lower priority due to recent events. Namely being detained and questioned alongside York and Omega. However, I am able to overwrite it temporarily so long as I am here," Delta explained.
"Sweet," Church said with a smirk. He grew surprised as the quiet stretched on. "What? No quip about me actually being able to help in a fight or something?"
"Just...thinking about how to deal with Gamma," Tex lied, almost convincingly…almost.
"Okay?" Church responded questioningly as he walked passed her. "Well, I'm going to take a seat. Tucker'll be here in a few minutes, 'Agent Texas.'"
"...What did you just say?" Tex asked, looking at him oddly.
"Tucker'll be here in a few minutes, Tex?" Church answered questioningly.
"Is everything alright?" Delta questioned. "You appear troubled, Agent Texas."
"It's nothing," Tex brushed off before turning away.
Church cocked his head before walking to the ship.
Tex sighed heavily, listening to his feet growing distance before opening her communication link. "Emersyn?" she said quietly. "We have a potential problem. Delta knows and he's with-"
"Hello, Agent Texas."
Tex froze at the voice? "Delta...?!" she said, keeping her voice down as she turned to glance at the ship.
"Please stop looking at the ship, Agent Texas. This is merely a recording. Try not to draw the Alpha's attention," Delta responded.
"If you're a recording, how did you know what I'd say?" Tex asked pointedly, testing this a bit.
"You are aware I am capable of predicting a conversation to a certain point. And I have always been able to predict you with great accuracy, Agent Texas," Delta informed. "Please do not be alarmed. I understand that you wish to tell Alpha yourself. Unless the Alpha's survival becomes at risk, I have no plan of revealing his true nature to him."
"And just how the hell did you set this up to intercept my call?" Tex retorted in bewilderment.
"The AI designated as "Vic" was generous enough to aid me in that," Delta informed.
"Sup Mommaseta! No idea what your Green Goblin wants this for, but I just wanted to say yello, so yello! Okay, Vic out!" Vic's voice rang over the recording.
Tex groaned. "Why are you doing this, Delta?" she asked in resignation.
"I have three personal priorities that I seek out when not in conflict with my mission directive...and, truthfully, even then," Delta informed. "Each is equal in importance, only numbered in urgency. Priority Three is to protect Agent York. While uncertain, his current situation is not unsafe. Priority One is to help the Alpha. Help by multiple definitions, making him the most urgent priority by default."
Tex grew quiet and suspicious. "And Priority Two?"
"You are Priority Two, Agent Texas-"
The recording cut off with a blip of static in Delta's voice.
"-Allison-"
Then another.
"-Tex-"
Once more.
"-Beta."
And finally, silence.
Tex had no throat and must swallow. Because even without a body, she felt something very much like a cold sweat creep up her spine. She was running out of time to tell Church herself.
Timeskip
It was only a short time later that they were all in the pelican dropship. Tucker quickly claimed a seat next to an amused Vigdis. Velimir and Zimmerman were here as well, and of course, Church and Tex were here.
But it was pretty obvious to everyone that there was something awkward in the air.
"Any idea what the fuck is going on with those two?" Tucker whispered not-so-subtly to Vigdis.
"Not a clue," Vigdis answered honestly. "So, where is that handsome devil of yours?"
"Hey, I'd show you, but I don't perform with an audience. No shame, but not my kink," Tucker said smoothly. "Unless the audience is all women, then it's a party."
"I meant your son, you horny ass," Vigdis retorted, elbowing his shoulder.
"I'd horn your ass any day," Tucker said in what he thought was a good flirting tone. "But in all seriousness, I left him behind. These adventures tend to go awry, and I'd like to say my boy was at least one month old before being in a life-or-death situation."
"What high and noble parental goals you have!" Vigdis snarked playfully.
"In Blood Gulch?" Church spoke up, seated on the other side of the ship. "That'd be a record. Hell, technically being within a certain distance of Caboose is a constant hazard."
"Oh come, man, he's no-" Tucker started before starting to snicker. "I'm sorry, I couldn't get that out with a straight face!"
"How's that bullshit taste, Tucker?" Church asked sarcastically.
"Oh, up yours," Tucker retorted.
"I'd say up yours, but I'm pretty sure that's how we got Junior," Church snarked.
"Dude, I will THROW you out of this ship!" Tucker warned, almost sounding serious.
"Tucker, you're not Caboose, you'd be lucky to drag my robot body," Church reminded.
"Okay, I'll pay Tex to do it," Tucker said in victory.
Church paused, not having a counter to that, as they all looked to Tex.
She glanced up and looked at all of them. "Hmm? You idiots say something to me?" she asked absently.
"Not yet," Tucker answered.
Tex didn't probe that further, which confused the sim troopers more than anything, prompting Tucker and Church to share bewildered looks.
"Anyways," Velimir called as he walked down to their end. "We'll be arriving soon, and thought someone should ask; Do you lot know anything about this Gamma AI?"
"Just that someone really liked that theme. Alpha, Gamma, Delta, Omega," Tucker answered with a snort. "Never really met this one, beyond the one time."
"I met Wyoming a couple times, but the prick either didn't have the AI yet or it just never made itself known," Church answered uncaringly. "Omega told me he's a liar, and well..."
"Right, you met this Gamma during one of your...adventures," Velimir recalled.
"Yeah, definitely a liar, and he might be able to put you in a simulated loop or something, making you think you're time traveling when you're not? I don't know what happened anymore," Church said with a shrug. "He acts polite enough, just has a love of knock-knock jokes. No matter how dirty or wrong."
"Phrasing," Tucker fake coughed.
"Tex, anything to add?" Church asked, looking at her again.
"Not really? I didn't recognize Gamma because he always sounded like a generic simulated voice. But even ignoring that, I thought he escaped somehow after the incident on the Mother of Invention," Tex answered.
"The what?" Tucker asked curiously.
"A frigate the Freelancers used as a mobile base. Damn thing looks like a giant gun," Church answered.
"What, is that where you snuck on to meet with Tex?" Tucker asked in amusement.
Velimir carefully looked between Vigdis and Tex, the latter of whom was watching Church intently.
"Nah, that was some on-planet place I forget the name of. Someone told me about the ship though. Tex? Omega? Someone, I don't remember who," Church waved off. "...Wait, was that "incident" about the Alpha, Tex?"
She shifted a bit uncomfortably. "It was kind of two incidents happening at once, but yes. Why?"
"..." Church stared at her for a long, long moment.
"...Fucking WHAT?!" Tex snapped.
"Bitch, did you and your marry band of rogue have a Freelancer civil war on a ship in SPACE?!" Church asked in disbelief. "Do you have a death wish?"
Tex needed a second to process that. It wasn't the response she was expecting. "Wait, THAT'S what you're focusing on? That I kicked ass and crashed a ship-"
"You fucking CRASHED the frigate while you were fighting in a clusterfuck like that!?" Church cut in pointedly. "What, did you start wrestling someone on a window while you were still crashing?"
"..." Tex's silence was half sheepish, half shocked at the very accurate guess.
"Oh, you got to be kidding me," Church said with a grown. "What, were you having a tit-measure contest to see who was top bitch?"
"Okay, to be FAIR!? She was the one that wanted the tit-measuring contest!" Tex retorted firmly.
"I'd love to judge a tit-measuring contest," Tucker said under his breath.
"This normal?" Zimmerman asked as he quietly joined the group to watch the argument.
"Yep! In fact, all is right in the universe now," Tucker assured, putting his hands behind his head and relaxing. "Just let them vent it out."
"Well, that proves it! That finally fucking proves it!" Church said, sounding amazed, amused, and annoyed all at once.
"Oh, and what does it prove, Church?" Tex asked pointedly.
"That you DEFINITELY belong with our merry band of idiots!" Church said with a laugh. "You're as DUMB as the rest of us; you're just badass enough to look competent."
"Well, you know what?! Good! I liked Blood Gulch more in the first WEEK than I did my entire time with the Freelancers!" Tex shot back.
The pelican went quiet at that.
"Really?" Tucker asked, almost a bit worried about that implication.
Tex sighed, not having meant to let that out. "Look, for most of the Freelancers, the project was one massive contest about ranks and scoreboards. And even there, I was the outsider among them. I'm not whining, but yeah, even with...EVERYTHING, you idiots are better teammates than half of the agents."
"I will assume that Agent York listed with the "better" half," Delta mused as he made his presence known.
"You brought the green one?" Tucker asked in surprise. "Why would you bring the green one?"
"I'm actually kind of happy that the homicidal Angry Intelligence is staying behind," Velimir added pointedly.
"I believe the correct term for Omega would be omnicidal rather than homicidal," Delta informed factually.
"Okay, not kind of happy, just plain happy," Velimir self-corrected bluntly.
"Look, if for no other reason? Delta here is the brainiac of the group," Church pointed out. "So he should be able to help us deal with an AI that is programmed to lie constantly."
"I would not say he was programmed to lie so much as that is simply the nature he inherited from the Alpha," Delta informed.
"Yet again, this fucker sounds like their father," Tucker remarked.
"Don't worry, you can give him all the parenting advice you want. I'm sure he needs it with how these bastards all turned out," Church said with a chuckle.
Only Tucker laughed, the others growing awkward at the subject.
End of Chapter
Well, time to go Gamma hunting. And Delta had a bit of a creepy moment there with Tex And yeah, Church is starting to "know" some things that he shouldn't know. And Church is officially Uncle Church to Junior! He's...not sure how to respond to that. But yeah, Church has concluded that his girlfriend is a dumbass like the rest of the Gulchers, just very badass.
And que Grif being pissed, realizing he put a lot of effort into soemthing that was easy to figure out. But yeah, the implication of Sister at Blood Gulchers in hindsight is either she stole a ship and somehow got the right location or...Freelancer intetnionally sent her to Blood Gulch, on the opposite side as her brother. Considering the history of Freelancer, this tracks.
Anyway, until next time!
Early viewing of chapters 20-21 avaliable on my pat-reon:
p a treon . com (slash) akumakami64