III.

The Question

One thing Katniss doesn't want to ask but needs to know

April passes, and most of the pain in her knee with it.

The same thing might be said for her being a pain in other regions, hopefully. Mother and Prim keep reassuring her that she doesn't have to do everything, and Gale insists he's fine sharing his haul from the woods until it's safe for her to go there again, but Katniss can't shake the nagging idea that she's not doing enough.

Easing herself back into the belief that her family can support her as well, after trying to hold everything on her own shoulders for so long, comes with a lot of grumbling, but at least her body appreciates the rest.

Mother likes to remind her that she's lucky the injury hadn't been too serious, and not aggravating it by trying to walk all the way home had indeed helped. Katniss has to look away from her after that, just to make sure Mother wouldn't notice the heat rushing into her cheeks.

Gale is that only person she's learned to accept help from, mostly because she persuaded herself not to see things he does with and for her as help, just as a flexible way of sharing their duties, with either of them contributing more when necessary. Just something about the way he helped her last time feels like too much, and she has a hard time stopping herself from thinking about it. She hopes she'll never get hurt like that again.

Unless...

No.

How stupid would I be if she hoped for Gale to have to carry her again?

The Everdeens go to the Hawthornes' for dinner. It's been the other way around the last few times, mostly so that Katniss would stay put and not have to walk more than to school and back.

Cooking one big meal for more people is easier, and helps stretch their limited resources farther. Thay've been doing that irregularly ever since Gale and Katniss decided to introduce each other to their relatives and their families have pretty much grown together since then.

However much Katniss liked her peace and quiet, either with only Gale or only Prim, she always enjoyed their get-togethers as well. With Gale's siblings around, it's was hard not to laugh ever so often, and when they were all crowded together, the empty places at the tables left by their fathers felt a bit less gaping.

In the short, precious moments, Katniss could bring herself to relax and enjoy the life they had. Even if the happiness lasted only until the next thought about how they are going to afford dinner tomorrow or the day after that, how a part of it is bought by extra slips of paper with her name and Gale's in the reaping bowls, how there's going to be one with Prim's name this year, and how Katniss can't prevent that in any way…

Sometimes life fills me her wonder, sometimes with dread, only the fierce desire to protect the people she loves unchanging. And while she could imagine many changes for the better, she'd want some aspects of their lives to remain the same… perhaps for longer than possible.

After dinner, Gale walks the Everdeens back home. After saying goodnight to Mrs. Everdeen and Prim, and Gale and Katniss remain hanging around outside on the Everdeens' little porch, enjoying the cool night air. They are sitting close together on the steps, just as close as if they were on their rock ledge out in the woods.

Katniss doesn't know where the question comes from, or maybe she does, she's been thinking about it since that time at school. It slips past her lips, breaking the comfortable silence.

"Would you want to have your own family?"

Gale looks at her sharply, probably even more surprised with her voicing the question than she is. She's not really comfortable talking about it, and I doesn't know if he would be. Or how much she's giving away by letting the question out.

"I already have one," he says cautiously. "Or two, if you insist on counting them separately."

"You know what I mean," she snaps, sharper than she'd intended, taking her own embarrassment out on him. "I mean, with the way you love the kids and you've been taking care of Posy since she was born, I kinda think you would…" she fumbles on.

Gale stares at her for a long moment, eyebrows raised, until she's almost ready to bolt inside and stop talking to him until he forgets it. "In a way… yeah," he admits at last. "Somehow. Sometime. But... you know Posy's pretty much still a baby. Thought she'd tell you she's all gwown up." He laughs affectionately, but Katniss can detect a bit of underlying tension. "Rory won't be twelve until after the reaping, thankfully. I wouldn't leave Ma alone to do everything, taking care of them is still all we can do together. And…" He falls silent for a moment, looks up somewhere between the stars, and then turns back to her. "… I know I can't protect the kids from everything, but I have to buy them a few more years." He swallows hard. "The years we didn't have."

His eyes are shadowed in the faint moonlight, but Katniss don't have to see them to know exactly how he feels. A sudden prickly pain erupts behind her own, and she blinks a few times to chase it away. When it doesn't really help, she leans forward to hide her face, her forehead resting against Gale's shoulder. Katniss had been as old as Rory is now, a bit younger than Prim is, when she had to start taking care of herself and the rest of her family. The thought is terrible. They are already catching up to her when it comes to height, but they are just kids.

So young, so precious. Katniss can hardly believe she has ever been that young herself.

Aren't Gale and I supposed to be kids too?

They could still be reaped like kids, but have been doing their best to take care of their siblings like adults for years.

Katniss is sitting still and tells herself she should be at peace, but everything suddenly seems to be happening too fast, the world spinning out of control. She feels nowhere near ready to add new people to her heart and to her worries, not now, not in two years if she survives all the reapings the generous Capitol has in store for her. Would Gale be, after getting through his last one?

Gale wraps his arm around her shoulders, pulling her closer . Instinctively, she clings to him, and it makes her feel somehow steadier. At least we are in it together for now. She squeezes her eyes shut, but a few tears escape, soaking into the sleeve of Gale's shirt.

He cups her face in his free hand, brushing his thumb over her cheeks. "I know how wonderful it is, Catnip" he says, very softly. "Every little smile, every moment. But I also how painful and hard and dangerous. You know it just as well, if not better. We were lucky Ma was so strong and healthy after she had Posy, otherwise I have no idea how we would have survived. But we did, and still have our hands full doing that, right?"

"Yeah," she chokes out, fighting to make her breathing even again.

"I mean, Posy was born when I was barely fourteen. You think I'd have wanted my own kid that early?"

She shakes er head and snorts quietly. The idea is pretty ridiculous. Even though… things like that do happen, to a classmate or two every year. She wonders if they choose to or just don't know how to prevent it. She's not sure she would know how to prevent it either, so she'd better avoid any chance of making such a mistake.

"And you've been taking care of Prim since you were eleven," continues Gale. "And your mom too. At least I never really had to do that. We are doing what needs to be done, but we are doing our best, aren't we?"

"We are."

"And we'll have to keep at it for several more years. And then… we'll see. I would never ask you to go through with that, not in a world where you have to choose between paying a doctor and starving. And where we'd have to watch our kids stand on the square every year, if nothing worse. That will be bad enough with Prim and Rory, and then Vick and Posy. Unless you…"

She lifts her head sharply and cuts across him. "Me? Our kids? What?"

"I mean any girl," he says quickly. "I might want it, but not while we live here like this."

She recalls his frequent rants against the Capitol and is less inclined to believe he'd want to bring a new child into the world under a regime he hates so much. "Do you still think it would ever change?"

Gale takes a deep breath and shrugs. He knows best he shouldn't start ranting here. "Maybe I'm stupid for hoping, but I still do. There's only as much as people can take. Something has to give, sooner or later." He turns to her with a wry smile. "We are still young, aren't we?"

"Yeah, but young people fall in love all the time, and then do... all kinds of things. What if you fall in love?" Another weird question.

"That's not all that there is to falling in love, Catnip. You can love someone without wanting to marry them at once. Or to make new people with them, you know."

"Sure." She feels her face getting hot and is more intensely aware of how close they are, again. Was he really thinking about having a family with her? And not in the way they already do?

She can't decide if the thought is scarier than the thought of him joining his life with someone else.

"You don't want to marry Prim, do you?" Gale says with a laugh and nudges her ribs with his free hand.

She returns the nudge, much harder. "No! You know very well I'm not talking about... that kind of love."

One of his arms is still around her, and the warmth it gives her is different, so different from Prim's hugs or phantom memories of her father's embraces. Something about it makes her want to pull closer and feel more, more things she can't even describe. And Gale is just her friend, isn't he? The urge is subtle now, just a pleasant but slightly disconcerting background hum. She can shake it off and ignore it most of the time. But if she couldn't, or if he couldn't with someone else, where would it lead?

The silence stretches again, this time too awkward. She regrets having brought it up in the first place. She doesn't want anything new and awkward to endanger what they have now.

Gale doesn't either, because he shakes his head and flashes her a grin, familiar and friendly, and tries to ruffle her braided hair.

"Sorry, Catnip, I'm not going to run off and get married. You'll have to put up with me for a bit longer."

She bursts out laughing, quietly in case mom and Prim are already trying to sleep, but heartily enough for her tension to dissipate. "I think I can live with that," she says at last.

"You think?"

She rolls her eyes and smacks his arm. "I know."

He catches her hands in his, probably so that she won't smack him again, and squeezes them lightly. "Me too, you know."

She nods and then lets her head rest on his shoulder again.

Yes, she can live with that.