A/N: Part One of Ring. This is only 5 minutes into the episode. I'm thinking maybe 3 for this episode, more if you count the time in between Ring and Pink Slip. This episode, as great as it is, is so sad for Sarah. And it gets worse from here. One extra wtf from Colonel I left out that needs saying. Casey tells Chuck Beckman sent an airstrike. Casey leaves with Sarah to get Stephen. Did Chuck need to get out of the car? I mean, we know he never listened, but there was no need to stop that "army of Intersects." The bombs would have done that! Now for this episode. Like I said, no reason why Chuck and Sarah wouldn't have slept together this night. I tried to give a reason. And I always thought they never really dug into what Stephen thought of Sarah. Chuck tells his father that he loves her at the end of this, definitively. Is there a chance Stephen thought Sarah was to blame for everything...including later in season 3? Nothing in canon contradicts what I propose here, even with Bryce and that epiphany. And for those who hate that Sarah breaks Chuck's heart by telling him she's leaving with Bryce, I delve into her thoughts. She was in no place to just defy her orders and declare she was staying with Chuck. He kind of leaves her hanging, not clear about what he wants, and she still, after everything, knows he thinks she's not normal. Let's remember...they LIVED together for months before she could tell him she loved him. Telling him here might have fixed things, but she couldn't do it. She had no experience on how to deal in the situation, how to deal with the emotions she was feeling. Just a comedy of errors that led to tragedy. Anyway, let's get started. Enjoy.

Parents.

Or "in-laws" as Chuck sometimes says with an eye roll when he's trying to make me laugh. He knows as well as I do that our situation is unique. Family life for my children is about as normal as we could hope it to be, normal here not a synonym for boring, rather, blissful. But outside our single family unit, all six of us, is where normal sort of goes off the rails. And it starts with my children's grandparents.

Our parents.

My mother is probably the most normal, and Chuck agrees, though all of that background, which my children won't know about until they're adults, is not. Like why I have a sister who is 25 years younger than me, who isn't biologically related to anyone that I am.

My father, as I've touched upon before, is sporadically in and out of my children's lives. I can say he's more "around" for them than he ever was for me, considering most of our time together was while we were grifting accomplices. My children sort of understand the way he is, and we always make sure to explain that his capriciousness is about him and nothing at all to do with them. When they don't expect more than he can give, things go more smoothly. He is fun to be around; we focus on the positive. One more thing on a long list of things I learned from Chuck.

Then there's Chuck's mother. An ex-spy, a sometimes consultant for her former employer, Mary Bartowski is a different kind of grandmother. Being warm and nurturing doesn't come naturally to Mary—she was once that way before her spy life destroyed her real life—and after 20 years of repressing those qualities, it's an effort now. An effort, I can honestly say, she constantly makes. She tries, I know she tries. I know she regrets the time she lost when Ellie and Chuck were small. Ellie told me once that Mary was overcompensating with our niece, Clara, because of it. It took a while to adjust. But she has. I gave her a wide berth, certain I would have ended up like her had Chuck not saved me from that life.

Mary took a while to warm up to me after she was back in our lives, when Chuck and I were engaged. We were so much alike…it was hard for us to come to a place where we could agree, although it had so much to do with the fact that we both wanted to protect Chuck at all costs. We resolved our differences for Chuck's sake.

Chuck's father is the missing grandparent, the one who died before any of his grandchildren were born. Our children know who he is; they've heard hundreds of stories and seen all the pictures there are of him. My eldest son is named after him. Even after all these years, there is still pain in my husband's voice when he speaks of his father. So much lost time, so many things left unsaid and undone. It took a long time before Chuck could accept that he wasn't responsible for his father's death. Now that Chuck can separate his father from Orion the way that I always did, it's a little easier.

All of this I mention now because, at this point in the story, Steven Bartowski didn't know what to make of me. Of that I had no doubt. He made me almost as uncomfortable as Mary did later, but for different reasons.

So much was going on when we found Chuck's father, I never really dealt with it until the night of Ellie's rehearsal dinner. Steven knew I was Chuck's handler, the entire time, even when we showed up at his airstream door.

I assume he started to question what was going on right then. Why was I doing Chuck a personal favor and pretending to be his girlfriend in that situation? Of course, if Steven was just Steven and not Orion, it fit with the cover. But his status as my asset, my charge and my protectee, had nothing to do with that all-night drive. It had everything to do with how I felt about Chuck. And Orion knew that.

Everything that happened in between that meeting and our rescue of him at the Fulcrum base was just me doing my job. Steven knew I ran with Chuck, defied orders. He knew Casey arrested us. He may have believed something similar to what Casey ultimately told Beckman, but I'm sure he started to wonder.

Once Chuck was no longer the Intersect, my mission was over. That was the CIA side of the story.

Perhaps it made sense to play out the cover, to keep Ellie from becoming suspicious. And there was the real fact that as a decent person, I would have left Ellie high and dry and one bridesmaid short the day before her wedding, which was unacceptable. Choosing to participate anyway was common courtesy.

What must have really shaken Chuck's father up was how we were acting at that dinner. We were acting like a couple, like two people in love.

Because we were. Even if we couldn't understand it or express it.

I could feel Chuck's father looking at me. I'm not sure if Chuck noticed—he was giddy in a way I had almost never seen him, free, looking forward to his future for the first time in two years. Ellie and Devon were pleasantly distracted too, understandably, the night before their wedding.

But Stephen would pause, his eyes narrowed, and stare, only to look away quickly when I would lift my head. I smiled politely and he would all of a sudden be Chuck and Ellie's dad again, shoulders down and nervously shuffling and smiling furtively.

In the end, he was Chuck's dad first and Orion second. He was worried about his son, worried that he had fallen in love with his handler. I doubt at that point that he knew how I really felt, or understood my true intentions. And of course I didn't know either, so why would he? It was outside of everything we both understood from the spy world.

I remember wondering what the deal was with Chuck and Ellie's mother and him. At this point when no one had any idea that she was a spy too. I also remember thinking what could have possessed a man like Stephen Bartowski to continue spying when he had young children and a wife. Like…which was the accident…his job or his kids? I know Chuck wondered the same thing, even though he never talked about it with me until well after we were married.

The truth was too incredible, too unbelievably tragic to comprehend. But we wouldn't learn all of it for another two years.

The dinner itself was wonderful. Good food, good company. We laughed and enjoyed ourselves. And except for those scattered looks from Stephen, I had extended my suspension of disbelief almost completely to surround us in an imaginary bubble. Us together, holding hands, standing close, was all that was real.

My car was at Chuck's apartment. Casey drove us back and Ellie and Devon took Stephen in their car. Because of Casey, Chuck and I really didn't say all that much. Chuck sat up front with Casey, which disappointed me at first, until I realized Chuck was struggling to contain himself and a Barstow-like encounter should never happen in Casey's back seat while he was driving.

That moment, that almost from Barstow, was still in between us and it buzzed like a bee every time we were quiet.

In the courtyard, the group dallied, talking, before they went inside to get ready for the next day. Stephen lingered after Casey had gone, and Ellie and Devon were inside. He looked like he wanted to say something, but then stopped himself. I don't know if Chuck noticed; he was only focused on me.

The minute Chuck and I were alone, he pulled me into his arms and kissed me. He tasted like the coffee he'd had after dinner. The kiss was passionate, intense, even demanding, which I hadn't experienced with Chuck before.

I kissed him back with everything that was inside me. He spun me, pressing my body against the wall. His hands were on my waist, then my back. I could feel him against me again, his arousal apparent and scalding hot against the satin of my dress.

My hands were in his hair, holding his neck. I lifted one leg, wrapping it around his body and tucking him closer to me.

I fully believe if Stephen hadn't opened the door, Chuck and I would have had sex there, standing under the faded light in the courtyard. All it would have taken was lifting my dress and unbuttoning his pants. I was on fire, aching and wet for him.

I reacted first. Chuck seemed to not have noticed. He was gasping so loudly I almost didn't hear Stephen speak.

"Oh, I'm sorry," Stephen mumbled, embarrassed, playing the role. He moved to close the door, but muttered, looking only at me, "It's late. Big day tomorrow."

Chuck was completely oblivious to the cool way his father treated me, I'm sure not understanding how his father could ever disapprove of me.

"Come inside," Chuck whispered hotly against my ear.

"Oh, Chuck," I gasped, equally breathless. "Your dad is right. Ellie's apartment is full. It would be too much for her."

He chuckled. "Why does that matter?"

"We have time," I said softly. I wasn't lying, not at this point. It was just a wish spoken out loud.

I think, later, he thought that I did lie, that I knew more here than I did. It made what was going to happen tomorrow more devastating to him, starting with the wrong idea and then running with it.

I left reluctantly, telling him I would see him tomorrow. I waited in the courtyard, alone, listening to the sound of the fountain tinkling.

I wondered if I would ever be back here.

Surely, Beckman would reassign me tomorrow. I was certain.

But…what would that mean? Instead of my loose ends being tied, they had all frayed, some to the point that I couldn't find where they began. I was lost, unsure, helpless—none of those feelings were familiar, none of them were easily dealt with.

When I finally started to walk away, I saw the light in Chuck's bedroom through the window. He was in his room with the door shut.

There was nothing stopping me from climbing through the window and finishing what we'd started. Ellie, Devon and Stephen were inside…but I could climb into Chuck's bed with him and finally show him how I felt. I wanted him, painfully, agonizingly.

What stopped me was the unknown. What will happen tomorrow? What was going to happen to me?

Could I sleep with Chuck…and then just…leave him?

How could I leave him?

I didn't sleep a wink that night. My body was on fire, every part of me remembering where he'd touched me. I didn't dare use my vibrator, even though I needed relief. The physical sensations would have left me empty, aching for Chuck in a way a simple orgasm couldn't satisfy.

I was anxious and sad, worried and nervous and breathing in a cloud of doom and dread. Time was running out.

I had known somehow that this moment would come, even as I sat beside Chuck on the beach after our first date. I told him to trust me, because I loved him and I had already vowed to keep him safe. But he didn't need protection anymore. I had been putting off thinking about this, always hoping that somehow my position could continue. So that I could stay around him.

But I feared now I was going to have to let him go. Because that was what was best for him. His normal life was in his hands. I just didn't fit into it anywhere.

Ellie's wedding was scheduled for early afternoon, so we had a little time in the morning. Beckman called us all to Castle, I was assuming for a final debriefing.

Chuck and Casey arrived together. Chuck told me he quit the Buy More. He sounded so happy, so confident. I was a complete wreck. I just smiled, trying to forget what had almost happened again last night.

Beckman asked Chuck if he would be willing to be an analyst on the new Intersect project. I was shocked. First, that another version of the Intersect had been developed without any notification to the current team, although that was typical of the government and us being on a need-to-know basis. More importantly, I had no idea the NSA would offer Chuck a legitimate job.

I felt my heart start to race with anticipation. It was a solution, a chance for us to still be together. There was no professional conflict of interest for an analyst and an officer to be involved with each other. Sure, being a field agent would mean foreign missions, potential assassinations, being away from Chuck. But it was better than nothing.

That alone right there says it all. Settling. You could not simultaneously achieve your goals and dreams and settle. Chuck was no longer a settler. He had been settling for subpar everything for two years and he was done. I don't blame him for that.

But his almost instantaneous refusal for the position dashed my hopes before they were even airborne.

He refused. Casey was going back to his old unit with the Marines. Chuck was moving on. I was being reassigned. Everything was ending.

Chuck told Beckman he was just "Chuck Bartowski, not a hero." He had never been so wrong, but I didn't contradict him there. He was just so happy, beaming, I was afraid to break him down at all.

Beckman asked me to stay after the other two were dismissed. In walked Bryce Larkin. He was annoyingly familiar with me, acting like he thought I had genuinely missed him or something. I was already dying inside and Bryce's sudden appearance crushed me even more. I didn't feel like dealing with him.

Beckman informed me I was to be in charge of the new Intersect project and that I would be working with Bryce. He told me he was to be the new Intersect. He had the cube Orion had taken from the Fulcrum base.

Something in my head clicked at that moment, something I hadn't fully comprehended until that moment. It was like everything suddenly made sense. Bryce had been in cahoots with Orion since he had stolen the Intersect from DARPA the night he sent it to Chuck via email. Bryce had been keeping it safe, keeping it out of Fulcrum's hands, but also keeping it out of the U.S. government's hands as well, which was what Orion wanted. Orion got his redesigned Intersect out of Ted Roark's hands. Now it was Bryce who would be the Intersect. It was all about Bryce, it always had been. Chuck was part of his plan, a safe place to keep the Intersect until it was exactly what Bryce wanted it to be.

The only bit of knowledge I was missing at this time was Nicholas Quinn's involvement. Fulcrum went after Bryce when they did in 2007 because the Intersect was due to be uploaded to Nicholas Quinn. Why he was chosen, I have no idea. I'm biased for a multitude of reasons, but Nicholas Quinn was the best the CIA had to offer? That's a sad testament to whoever decided that. And knowing Bryce the way I did, it makes perfect sense that Bryce would have stolen it for himself, believing himself a better candidate. We never talked about it per se; these are only guesses. Like I've said before, everyone involved is now dead. Speculation is all I have.

Beckman was brief. I was due to leave with Bryce for Switzerland in the morning. I felt like I had been gut-punched. Bryce's flippant comments to me about my supposed excitement to get out of Burbank only made it worse.

I could have refused. I could have told Beckman I quit, that I was walking away from the CIA and everything about my old life. Anyone who has been listening to me go on and on about how much I loved Chuck, how much he meant to me, would think I was crazy for agreeing to go. And to be fair, I wasn't jumping on her orders. She took my silence as acceptance. That was what I had always done, what everyone thought I would always do. What I thought I should always do. Follow orders.

The gulf I had been feeling between Chuck and me, fueled by my confusion, was only widening. Chuck had walked away, telling Beckman he wanted nothing to do with the spy life anymore. Spinning like a top, dizzy with confusion, I wondered if I was included in that. Never normal Sarah.

And what could I have done? What should I have done?

I know now it was easy. All I had to do was tell Chuck that I loved him and I wanted to stay with him in Burbank. That I wanted a shot at a normal life with him. Easy in retrospect, not easy in the moment. I was living with Chuck for months before I could tell him that I loved him. There is no way I would have found the strength to say it here.

So instead I just…what? Ask Chuck if I was at least a little normal enough, that he was willing to give me a chance? Try and fail because I disappointed him somehow?

All of that was in my head, defeating me before I tried, convincing me that I had to leave Burbank, leave him to the life that I no longer fit into.

It was like this, my heart like lead, in the darkest despair I had ever known, that I went back to my hotel and dressed for Ellie's wedding.

The happiest day of her life.

The saddest day of mine.