Hailey sat in a crowded mess hall surrounded by more people than she could count. There was food in front of her, but she wasn't quite sure what it was.

She'd just managed to lead the unit through catching Sean after his escape. He led them to Canada in a freezing cold forest she couldn't remember the name of. At one point, she'd thought he died. Again.

But he never died and had just been hiding inside a small cave.

There had been fist fights, gun shots, and even a metal rod thrown. In the end, Dante had shoved Sean into a passing train, killing Sean instantly despite losing his own legs in the process.

Hailey didn't know how he managed to survive, but didn't question it. She couldn't lose any of her team.

As everyone sat within the mess hall, visitors began to come one-by-one. First, Dante's mom. She brought him a lunch box, smiled proudly at her son, then left.

Hailey expected the woman would have stayed to share whatever food she brought, but just accepted the situation.

Kevin's brother came next. She couldn't hear what they whispered to each other in a hug. It was sweet. Jordan gave her a look of sympathy as he passed her on the way out, and her nose scrunched in confusion.

Kim's ex-boyfriend came with a clear bag that had a hamburger in it. Upon seeing him, Kim exchanged the bag for an empty one she had and said her thanks. Hailey's eyes narrowed as she watched the young man retreat from the room. She could have sworn he died.

A man she went to the academy with came next, and he swiftly went to Adam. They did some sort of weird, secret hand-shake then promised to catch up soon.

That left her.

"Who's gonna visit Upton?"

"Any idea who came for Hailey?"

"They wouldn't just bring her no one, right?"

The whispers filled her ears. She almost wanted to cover her head to block them out.

She was sitting closer to the entryway now. Waiting.

Part of her was beginning to think it really could be her husband. There were military homecomings all the time in situations like this. Everyone would cry. It'd be perfect for some sort of news story: "Chicago Detective Reunited with Military Husband after Harrowing Search for Convict." Front page of the Chicago Sun and the New York Times. It could happen.

But then a man walked in. He looked vaguely familiar with his glasses and messy hair, she wasn't quite sure where she knew him from, though.

"Hailey," he said, "I'm sure you have eyes and ears and are wondering who your loved one is going to be."

She nodded, her heart now beginning to beat against her chest.

"Well, I'm sorry, but the person who came to visit you is not 36 years-old."

Again, she nodded before looking down to pick at her nails. It'd been silly to think Jay would drop everything in Bolivia to come see her.

"He's currently working in Australia and sends his love," the man continued.

Her head snapped back up. "Australia?" she repeated, "Jay's in Australia?"

But no one else seemed to hear Australia; they were all talking about cities in Bolivia.

Potosi. Sacaba. Riberalta. Villamonte.

It all sounded muffled to her. She wanted to ask more questions: mainly, where was Jay? Was he still in Bolivia like she thought? Had he really gone to Australia? Had he extended his tour?

"You still have a guest, though, would you like to guess who came?" the man said.

Hailey blinked in confusion then said, "Yes. Is…is he older than 36?"

The man nodded and pointed his finger up. Before she could ask another question, he said, "He went to University of Chicago."

What that had anything to do with it, she had no idea. She was sure many people had gone to school at the University of Chicago. Everything was starting to feel so jumbled, but she was no longer focused on Jay.

Whoever came to visit her had to have cared about her. He wouldn't come all this way for nothing. But everyone else's loved ones seemed like odd choices. Maybe she needed to think outside the box.

And then it came to her and she was out of her seat. Running to the door everyone had used, she opened it to a long table filled with faceless people. At the head of the table, though, just standing up as she ran in, was her uncle.

She crashed into him, hugging him tightly and instantly sobbing into his shoulder.

"I told you I'd come see you morning and night," he whispered.

Hailey woke with a gasp. Lying there in bed, she tried catching her breath, having felt like she'd just ran a marathon. It was just a…dream? Nightmare? She didn't know, but it was certainly one of the stranger ones she'd had in the last few months.

Like she always did, she reached out for Jay just to feel empty pillows and cool sheets. She didn't need to reach as far this time: gradually, she had begun scooting closer and closer to the middle of the bed. She hated it.

Sitting up, she took a deep breath and ran a hand through her hair as she processed what had just crossed through her mind: Sean escaping, her team celebrating, Jay in Australia or Bolivia, and her uncle. It was a mess.

Like she always did, she tried pinpointing what each element could mean and what her subconscious could be trying to tell her.

Sean escaping was easy. He did that probably once or twice a week in her dreams. She hated it every time it occurred, but at least she knew it wasn't going to happen. People couldn't escape from prison.

At least, that's what she told herself.

Her team celebrating was also easy. They hadn't exactly done that in a while. Or rather, she hadn't done that in a while. Everyone always invited her out for drinks or a meal, but she turned them down nearly every time. Holidays felt a little different, and she accepted a Thanksgiving beer from Kevin and a Christmas Eve dinner at Adam and Kim's. Trudy had invited her over for the actual holiday, but she'd barely been able to function all day and had to turn her down. She guessed on some level that she missed spending time with her friends. She should have taken them all out for drinks after Sean had been convicted; she just hadn't had the energy to do so.

Jay was too obvious to even ponder about for long. Her biggest fears included Jay extending his leave, Jay getting hurt, and Jay never coming home. It hurt too badly to think about more than that list.

Her uncle was new.

Dennis Jerome. Uncle DJ.

He was everything to her. From as early as she could remember, he was there for her. He came to every school function, every birthday, every random Tuesday. He was her rock.

Uncle DJ was her mom's twin brother. They were very close growing up, though it did falter when her mom married her dad. It didn't take a genius to figure out that Uncle DJ didn't like her dad. The air always grew tense whenever they'd be in the same room as each other. Neither her nor her brothers really knew what exactly made the two hate each other so much, but they knew enough not to ask about it.

In a way, he was the dad they always needed. A pseudo-dad of sorts. His hugs were much warmer and his jokes were always better. He didn't force them to clean the kitchen and taught them how to drive a stick. He was cool, but he knew how to discipline in ways that didn't involve using his fists. Hearing he was disappointed in their choices was enough to make them regret whatever they'd done.

While he clearly loved her brothers very much, Hailey was his favorite. His little firefly that lit up any dark space she may have stumbled upon. He made her feel loved in ways her father never did. He'd supported her time in the police academy more than anyone else and knew it was always her dream compared to the law degree her dad wanted her to get.

He welcomed her to his home for two weeks after her dad kicked her out upon her announcement that she was accepted into the police academy.

It was the best gift she could have received and was simple: support. It's all she ever needed.

And then he died two weeks before she joined Robbery-Homicide.

She was actually on call when he was involved in a three-car accident due to drunk driving. She hadn't been going to the scene after it happened, but then a friend she'd made in the academy called her saying one of the men had a note in his wallet to call her if he ever needed help, and she knew who it was.

He had died instantly on the scene, but it didn't prevent her from pushing past everyone to confirm for herself. Seeing his dead body on the stretcher haunted her for years to come.

She didn't know if she ever got over it.

It was especially true that she wasn't over it when Jay had been shot and had been bleeding out under her hands in that warehouse. The thought of losing the second man who'd ever showed her what love and support was was too painful to truly comprehend. For the following months, she would wake in cold sweats, like tonight, from nightmares of both Jay and her uncle DJ dead on her couch or in her bathroom or even in her closet. It was unnerving.

The difference, though, was that she was able to call or text Jay to confirm he was okay. She had never been able to do that with Uncle DJ.

Shaking her fears from her mind, Hailey reached over to grab her phone and quickly open up her messages to Jay.

~ Text me asap. Please. ~

~ We need to talk ~

Knowing Jay, he was probably sleeping right now, but she didn't care. She prayed maybe he was up using the bathroom or having a rough night of his own. She needed to talk to him. Texting was fine; she'd accept it. She just needed to hear from him and know that he wasn't going to Australia. Hearing he was alive would be the bonus.

While she waited for his reply, she crawled out of bed to attempt to distract herself and maybe even tire herself out. She made a pot of melatonin tea Jay had got her addicted to the year before when she was struggling to sleep because of Kim and Roy.

It started off by him making it for her before he found out about what had happened. Thinking back to that time in their lives, she wanted to cry. He'd been so supportive as she struggled to live through what had happened, what she had done. He could tell she wasn't sleeping and did all the research to try and help her out: the tea, backrubs in bed, sappy romance books she could read to put her to sleep, lists of podcasts to listen to, a new yoga mat. He wanted her to get better. He needed her to get better.

Even when he found out the reason and distanced himself from her, he continued brewing the tea. It became as much of a habit for him to make as it'd been for her to drink. Occasionally, he would sit next to her as she drank it and reach over to scratch her back to relax her, but it was usually just making the tea and pouring it in a mug for her.

She couldn't even use that mug anymore.

It'd been a white one with small yellow polka-dots around the bottom. It was cute, and she did love the mug, but it reminded her of him and how much he'd loved her then. She knew he still loved her now, but he was gone. He'd lost himself and needed to leave. That love felt different. It had shifted. So, like his love, she shifted that cute mug to the back of the cabinet and stuck to using a purple one she'd gotten from Vanessa or Jay's ranger mug. Both were mugs from her favorite people, but they didn't hurt nearly as much to use as that other one. She didn't really know why.

Tonight, she chose the Vanessa mug to use. She filled it with the boiling tea then sat on the couch to wait for Jay's text. On the TV, she watched a cooking show she couldn't quite figure out if she'd seen before. The food looked good, but she was so distracted with wondering where Jay was that she couldn't pay attention to any of the ingredients or steps.

One episode faded into the next and then another, and soon enough she was fighting her eyes to stay open against the entire pot of melatonin she'd drank.

Jay still hadn't called her, though, so she needed to wait. She needed to stay awake. She needed to know he was okay.

Unfortunately, the text never came and she was left struggling to function as it neared 7am. It was too late then to take a nap, so she shifted from drinking the tea to drinking coffee. Nothing about it felt healthy, but it needed to be done. She couldn't take a day off of work just because she was tired. A cold shower and coffee would be enough to wake her up.

"You look terrible, Hailey."

She closed her eyes briefly before turning at her locker to face Kim. "Thanks," she replied shortly.

"You just look like you didn't sleep at all," Kim explained, "No one would blame you for going home."

"Well, that's not an option," Hailey sighed, tugging her blood-stained shirt over her head.

Their current case had led them to a car chase downtown that resulted in a few civilians getting hurt. No one died, thankfully, but it wasn't pretty by any means. While she'd taken the brunt of the blood from the mother, Kim was currently covered in the daughter's. The cherry on top of the physical pain they'd witnessed was knowing she had no clothes to change into back at the district.

At least, she had no clothes she wanted to change into.

Sighing, she reached in her locker to grab out a navy henley she'd taken from Jay's locker when she cleaned it out months before. She'd taken the sweatshirt and spare jeans home, but the henley needed to stay. She couldn't bear getting rid of it. She needed a piece of him to remain here at work.

Staring at the picture of him she'd taped to the back of her locker, she shakily pulled on his shirt and breathed in the scent around the collar. If she thought hard enough, she could smell him, but she knew she was probably kidding herself. It'd been far too long to still be able to smell Jay on a piece of fabric he hadn't worn in who-knows-how-long.

"Hailey," Kim tried again in the middle of switching out her own shirt, "I really think-"

"I'm fine," Hailey snapped, closing her locker on the picture of Jay sitting on a stoop that she'd taken years before, "I'm just tired. I didn't sleep. I'm fine."

Kim frowned and nodded. "I know," she said gently as she closed her locker as well, "But I think you need a break. Maybe try and call Jay."

Hailey froze in place for a brief moment. He still hadn't texted her back. She had no idea where he was or what he was doing. Just because her friends knew that they occasionally talked didn't mean he just answered her whenever she wanted. It wasn't possible. He was busy at work.

It had nothing to do with how he felt about her.

She needed to keep reminding herself of that.

"He's busy," she admitted quietly before glancing up at Kim. Shrugging, she said, "I haven't heard from him in a few days. I was hoping today, but…I don't know."

Kim's face fell even further. "I'm sorry."

Hailey didn't know if it was because Jay wasn't answering her or for even bringing it up, but she accepted it with a short nod then walked out of the locker room.

She hated the pity.

The encouraging smiles. The invites to dinner. The occasional "remember when?"s. She didn't want any of it. This was her life and she was dealing with it. She didn't need anyone to feel bad for her.

She felt bad enough for herself.

Jay's text didn't come through until she was on her third cup of melatonin tea that night, and she nearly spilt it on her way to grab her phone.

~ So sorry. Still up? ~ Jay

Her fingers shook as she typed back her reply, nodding to herself as if he could actually see her.

~ Still up. Are you ok? ~

~ I'm ok. Worried about you. Should I call? ~ Jay

~ Yes ~

Her phone buzzed a second later and Jay's face lit up her screen. It was a picture she'd taken of him two summers before when they'd snuck away to the beach on a rare day off. It never failed to put a smile on her face, especially when she was missing him most. Smiling now, she answered the call and said, "Hi."

"Hey! What's going on? Are you okay?"

She swallowed and nodded.

"Hailey?"

"Y-Yeah, yeah, I'm okay. Thank you for calling. I needed to hear your voice."

"Of course. I'm just sorry it took so long. Did a lot of time in the car today then did a bunch of planning with the other guys. I'm going to be caught up in some stuff for the coming week."

"That's okay."

Her voice came out quiet, and she knew it was nothing but okay. She absolutely hated the idea of Jay not being able to talk to her at all for an extended period of time. She'd had to grow used to maybe one text every other day, phone calls about once a week, and FaceTimes even less frequent. She actually couldn't even remember the last time she saw his face.

She missed it.

"I know it's not. I'm not okay with it, but…but it's what I've got to deal with so…"

Jay trailed off and sighed.

He's dealing with it like she's dealing with it: because there's no other option.

The part that sucked, though, was that there could have been other options. Jay could have talked to her first before heading to Bolivia. He could have admitted he had a problem before going to resign. If he was set on resigning, he could have stayed in Chicago, in Illinois, and found something else. She could have taken him to therapy again; they could have even gone together if that's what he wanted. They were married, husband and wife, they should have figured out how to help him together. It should not have been one sided.

She hated that she still resented him for it.

It was February and she was still angry about everything that had happened between them. More than that, she was upset about it all.

Four months before, she found him stuck in his head standing over a dead body with a knife in his hand, and it was the first moment that it seemed like he was her husband again. He was having some sort of emotional reaction other than straight anger, and he reminded her of his old self. It wasn't fair that for the two months prior to that, she'd struggled to see who he was, and the one time she could, he was near a panic attack in front of her.

She'd dragged him home, cleaned his cuts, soothed any of the bruises he'd received, and forced him into a shower just to then hold him in bed all night. She wondered many times since then if he'd decided on leaving at all during that night and if it was her fault. Was it when she grabbed his keys from his hand to prevent him from driving? Was it because she insisted on staying in the bathroom with him as he showered? Was it when she guided his head down to rest over her heart while she hummed in a lame attempt to calm herself down? What else could she have done? She didn't even force him to talk as she worked – she knew he wasn't going to be able to do it. All she tried to do was show him that she loved him no matter what, that he could make mistakes and she would still love him at the end of the day. What else could she have done?

She didn't know if she'd ever get that answer or even if she wanted to get it. If it really was her fault, she didn't know if she could survive the truth.

It wasn't fair that her husband came home to her that night only to leave approximately fifteen hours later. It was worse than unfair. It was completely and utterly cruel.

And now here they were: her with her own nightmares and Jay struggling to grapple with his new job in a different country. It sucked.

Jay broke the silence by clearing his throat and asked, "What were you doing up at 3am?"

"Oh," she breathed, having forgotten that it'd been that early in the morning when she first reached out to him, "Uh, just…just had a dream. I was thinking about you."

"Was I in your dream?"

When they first started dating, Jay frequently asked if he was in her dream, especially if she woke up to text him good morning. It led to many days and nights where he'd tease her about Dream Jay and asked her who she preferred. Once, he even admitted to her that he'd had a dream or two about her, and they then spent the whole night trying to recreate anything their dream selves had done. It'd been ridiculous and fun, and she wished that's what her dreams were like now.

Now, though, now his question wasn't as teasing or flirty as it was before. It had a worried tone to it as if he also knew she wasn't dreaming of his body or what he could do to hers again.

"Sort of," she answered hesitantly, "But…I was told you were in Australia, I think? I couldn't really understand the guy who was talking."

Jay chuckled and said, "Hailey, I'm not going to Australia and I'm definitely not there now. I promise you that."

She closed her eyes at his promise. She hated promises that could fall through. The army could very well tell him that he needed to be transferred tomorrow and off he'd go to another hemisphere. Neither of them could control that. He should not be making promises right now.

"Hailey," he said when she didn't reply, his voice much more serious now, "Hailey, I'm not going to Australia. That's not what I signed up for. I signed up for South America and Bolivia, not Australia and…and I don't even know what countries are in Australia. Is it even countries?"

Her lips tipped up and she said, "I don't know. States maybe or territories. I know some of the cities like Melbourne and Sydney."

"Okay, well, I didn't sign up to work there. I'm staying here."

She sighed again. She knew that. She knew he was staying in Bolivia. At least for another four months. At least.

"I'll come home."

She shook her head and pulled her feet up on the couch. "Are you?" she asked.

"Hailey."

"Are you coming home?"

"Hailey."

"Jay."

She sat up, fear and anger beginning to course through her. She knew her voice came out much harsher than she imagined it would, but it still happened. She rarely yelled at Jay or even dared raise her voice at him, but it slipped and she didn't even know if she regretted it.

She needed to know that he was coming home.

"I will come home," he finally replied, much calmer than her own voice had been, "I am not going to Australia. I will come home to you and to Chicago. I promise."

The promise again brought a frown to her face. Staring at her reflection in the windows, she felt tears come to her eyes.

She needed him home now.

"When?" she asked quietly.

"I…"

He hesitated, and she caught it. Sitting up further on the couch, she quietly repeated, "When?"

Jay breathed in shakily then said, "We're still determining that."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't know."

"You don't know? Jay, what-"

"I said eight months or more, remember? I just need to find out if that 'or more' part is happening. As soon as I do, I will let you know. I promise."

Again, she winced.

Yes, Jay only made promises that he intended to keep, but that was the old Jay. This Jay, the army Jay who had to leave her alone, she didn't know if this Jay kept his promises.

Her bottom lip trembled as she nodded. It was all she could do to accept what he'd said – and accept was a loose word. Accepting seemed to imply that she had a choice in this matter. She had no choice in Jay's deployment.

It pissed her off.

"I love you."

A tear fell down her cheek at his words. Shaking her head in an attempt to rid herself of her emotions.

"I love you too," she whispered.

"Forever."

"And always," she breathed.

The words may have slipped from her lips, but she wasn't quite sure she even heard them with her own ears. Everything felt like it was buzzing and just hazy. Maybe her worst fears were coming true. Maybe he really was extending his leave. How could he not know yet when he was going to come home?

Without even thinking, she ended the phone call.

Listening to him breathe on the other end of the line was as annoying as listening to him chew cereal in the morning when she woke up on the wrong side of the bed.

Yes, he was alive, but it felt like it didn't even count if he wasn't even coming home to her any time soon.

"Or more."

Screw him and his "or more." He knew why she needed to talk to him. He couldn't have been that dense to not be able to read between the lines and understand what her fears were. They had always been able to read each other, even when she was in New York while he was back here in Chicago. Their constant texts and phone calls really left nothing to the imagination.

She guessed that the increased distance with Bolivia combined with the decreased amount of times they talked to each other had a hand in his inability to read her. As much as she hated to admit it, their relationship was shifting and evolving. Maybe it was silly to think that Jay returning to his roots in the military would lead to their relationship returning to where it was the year before. She hated that that dream wasn't going to come true while the nightmare of him extending his leave might.

Downing the rest of her tea, she groaned then pushed off the couch to go to bed. She just needed this day to be done. She needed to be able to check off another day on her countdown until his return.

Whenever that may be.

As a way to try and get herself to fall asleep, she thought back to the end of her dream/nightmare from the night before and imagined what her uncle would tell her in this situation. He was always the one who encouraged her to date boys who respected her and wanted her to be happy.

He would have loved Jay…two years ago when they started dating.

She wasn't quite sure what he would have thought of Jay right now.

In his heart, Jay really was a good, respectful man. That could not have changed. It didn't. He was going through something mentally challenging right now that required him to take a step back and look at who he was becoming. She needed to keep reminding herself that. He might have made this decision without her, but it was for her at its core. He wanted to become better for them both.

That…she could tell herself that was respectful.

She finally fell asleep while silently crying for him. She wanted him home here in bed with her, and she absolutely hated that he wasn't. She still couldn't say it was fair.

Just like the fact that she had another nightmare in which he died in a car crash just like her uncle did.

None of it was fair. At all.

A/N: Hi there! I'm back and very excited to be here and take you on what's shaping up to be a bit of an angsty ride. I've been wanting to write this fic for a few months now, so trust me? :) Let me know what you think of Chapter 1, and I'll be back next week! Talk soon!