A/N: Hi there! I'm so glad so many of you are excited about this fic. Thank you to those of you who want to hang out with me on Mondays - it means a lot that you want to stick around with the angst. I hope you like this one as well!

"I'm really sorry, Hailey, but I-"

"No, no, no, it's not…it's not him."

She gasped for breath as she pushed past the other officers surrounding the car wreck. Red lights were spinning in the air. People were crying and screaming.

Maybe it was her.

Blood was on the ground and on Kim's shirt. Kim wasn't crying, though, Kim seemed to be…calm. She was working. She was acting like she did when she spoke with a victim.

But Hailey wasn't a victim. Hailey was a police officer too. She was just coming to a scene that she was called on.

"I don't know, Hail, I don't think-"

Kevin didn't understand. Kevin didn't know how much her uncle meant to her. Her uncle couldn't be gone. That was impossible. Uncle DJ was alive and well and this was just a man who looked like him.

She shoved her way past Adam and Dante to get to the middle of the car wreck. She knew there was no way she was going to find her uncle's Honda civic.

And she didn't.

She found a dark grey truck.

That was weird. She wasn't supposed to find a dark grey truck. Trudy specifically said the older man was driving a small white car. She didn't mention a dark grey truck at all. Maybe it was the truck the drunk guy had been driving. Maybe her uncle's car was behind that one.

Only it wasn't: on the other side of the truck was a green minivan and a silver Jeep.

She shakily turned back toward the dark grey truck and began shaking her head.

"No," she whispered, "No, no."

"Hailey, let's go, you shouldn't be here."

She pulled her arm from her sergeant's grip.

"Hailey."

Two voices spoke that time, and she turned to see both Voight and Kramer, the desk sergeant from her old district, staring back at her.

She blinked and took a step back from them.

She didn't know they knew each other.

Shaking that thought from her head, she turned back to the grey truck. She took a deep breath and began walking toward it.

This was impossible. Trudy had said it was an older man. It was supposed to be a Honda civic. It was her uncle. He was the one who carried her card around in his old, brown leather wallet. Uncle DJ did.

Opening the passenger door, she hoisted herself into it like she'd done thousands of times. Usually, she'd be met with Jay making a joke about how short she was or telling her to recite the address so he could get them where they needed to be.

This time-

"Oh my god."

Hailey sat up so fast that her head spun in circles, and she felt like she was going to throw up.

"No, no, no," she murmured, throwing off the blankets as she stumbled from the bed.

She tripped over her pants she'd shucked to the side hours before and fell into the wall.

"No, he's-no."

Without giving true thought to what she was doing, she pulled off her t-shirt and bra, tossing them to the side on her way to the bathroom. Her fingers shook as they shoved her underwear down her legs. Again, she tripped over the fabric and practically fell into the shower.

"Jay, Jay."

He wasn't dead. He wasn't. He was safe in his bed in…in Bolivia. Jay was in Bolivia.

The hot water burned her skin as it rained down upon her. She sucked in a breath then settled on sitting down on the tile. It took too much energy to even stand.

Jay wasn't dead.

But she'd seen it. She'd opened the truck door to see him hunched over the steering wheel with blood coming out of his ear. He hadn't been moving. He'd just been lying there. Dead.

She sobbed into her knees. It wasn't Jay. It wasn't Jay.

It was just a nightmare. The same one she'd been having for the last three weeks.

It didn't get any easier.

She needed him. He was in Bolivia, and she needed him. Random phone calls and half-hearted texts weren't the same. She needed him to hold her in her bed and tell her the nightmares weren't real.

Just like she'd done with him.

She thought back to about a week after they'd moved into the apartment and they'd had the case with Knox. She'd been going through so much on her own that when he'd woken up from memories being dragged through his dreams, she'd already been awake in the living room.

She could still see him over the top of her book stumbling out of bed just like she'd done minutes before and make his way to this very bathroom. Like her, he'd thrown the shower on and sat right inside of it.

It shocked her, and she almost didn't even get off the couch when she first heard the water turn on, but, hesitantly, she walked into their room half expecting to see that he'd gotten sick in their bed. Nothing was there besides twisted sheets, though, so she continued her walk into the bathroom.

To her surprise, he was fully dressed under the shower head, sitting on the tile with water pouring on top of him. She'd kept quiet as she knelt next to the tile and put her hand out for him. The water had been frozen just like his skin when he grabbed at her.

"I've got you," she had whispered.

No one had her now, though. No one was there to grab her hand and comfort her as she worked through what had gone on in her nightmare. No one would help her stand up and dry off. No one would kiss her tears away.

The only one who would was in Bolivia. He had to have been in Bolivia. Not Australia or some other country. He was in Bolivia.

At least he was alive. He had to have been.

She cried harder into her knees at the thought of what she'd have to do without him. She didn't know how she could survive without him on this earth with her. She'd just gotten through life without him in Chicago; she didn't think she'd be able to survive without him anywhere.

If he was here, he would be here with her right now.

He would have sat next to her and held her through her tears, then he would have reached up to turn off the water when she'd finally calmed down. Next, he would have gotten two of their biggest, fluffiest towels to wrap around her before carrying her back to their bed. In some attempt to break the silence, he wouldn't have asked her about the dream, but made a comment on how hot the water had been.

He'd never been one for steaming hot showers. She loved them, but he always winced and argued when she'd turn up the heat during their showers together. She'd thought it was cute.

So she told herself that was what would have happened. She was going to force herself to get out of the shower with this pretend version of Jay in her head.

"Come on, I've got you."

The water turned off leaving her gasping for breath on the hot tile.

"Stand up. I'm right here."

She used the shower wall to steady herself while standing up.

"Let's get you wrapped up in a towel. Nice and warm."

The white towel was the fluffiest and felt the best wrapped around her shoulders right now.

"Back to bed. I'll hold you all night. I promise."

Crawling into bed, she instantly cried into his pillow and wrapped her arms around it tightly. Being in his arms had been one of her favorite things about being with him in general.

He was funny and kind and wickedly smart, and yet his arms were one of the things she missed most about him. She didn't know when she started noticing them more in their partnership, but it felt like a turning point for her. She'd gone from having a crush on him and loving him as a friend to actually missing him being around her. She liked how his arms would feel when they brushed against her own in the locker room or bullpen. She liked how they looked when he drove his truck.

Wincing at the thought, she rolled herself further on top of his pillow and squeezed her eyes shut.

He was alive. He was alive. He was alive.

"Deep breaths. I'm right here. I'm here."

She breathed in slowly and tried pretending his hand was on top of her head right then. He always liked to run his fingers through her hair when they'd be laying on the couch together or in bed, so she knew that'd be what he would be doing right now.

He'd position her so his hand could be resting on top of her head with his thumb rubbing over her forehead. He'd do that until she had managed to calm down. Then, he'd stroke his hand down her hair for a while before actually combing his fingers through it. Sometimes he would rub the back of her neck, but he'd mostly just play with her hair. It'd put her to sleep, but it wouldn't stop him from rubbing his hands over her back. He'd do it all night just to make sure she felt like she was safe if she were to wake up.

That thought was enough to get her heart rate to slow down so that she fell asleep within minutes.

Work was rough.

It'd been rough since Jay left, but there was something even harder about it now.

At the beginning, she'd thrown herself into the human trafficking case. She let it take over her life so it was all she thought about. She'd sent Jay occasional texts and called him a few times, but it was not her first priority. She had needed to bring justice to Abby and all the other girls whose lives had been destroyed by Sean. It felt more important than worrying about something she couldn't change.

But then Sean was in jail and the hole Jay left returned angrier than ever. It was dark and reared its head more often than not. She could tame it at times by texting him or talking with him, but then she woke up feeling empty all over again.

She was in pain, and she needed to accept it.

She told herself getting a return date would help, but Jay refused to give it to her, which left her in even more pain.

Work couldn't fill that need.

Day in and day out, she warded off pity and offers for help. All she wanted to do was work, but it was just too hard to focus on. Her mind wouldn't stop spinning.

She needed her partner back.

She was sitting in the back of a surveillance van with Kevin just four days after her panic attack in the shower when she felt herself completely zone out and disassociate with the world.

Years before, she'd sat with Jay in this same van and listened to him talk about deep dish turning into flat bread and kabobs. For that entire case, she'd watched his past in the military and Afghanistan overcome him. It'd broken her heart into a million pieces. Even when it ended and she treated him to a couple beers, she remembered going home just in awe of him. By then, she had simultaneously admitted to herself that she had feelings for him while also dampening them with her sort-of relationship with Adam. That night, she had stared at her ceiling silently wishing he was going to be okay and wondering if she should have given him a hug when she dropped him off at his apartment building.

It almost felt like it was all for nothing when he then decided to return to the military four years later. She hoped he wasn't undoing all the work he'd previously done.

It felt like he probably was.

"Hailey."

Kevin snapped his fingers causing her to blink and turn toward him. "Something happen?" she asked.

He raised an eyebrow then chuckled and said, "You're something else."

She breathed in deeply and wiped her eyes. "What do you mean?"

Kevin cleared his throat on his way to turn off the mics and mute the computers. "You know I care about you."

"Kevin," she sighed.

He shook his head and said, "Let me talk."

She scoffed slightly, but still sat back and crossed her arms.

"I care about you, and I've noticed you've changed lately," he continued, "When Jay left, you were this shell, but then that shell was filled with Sean and revenge and I thought maybe you were going to be okay. Funny thing is, I was wrong. You weren't okay then, and that case ending proved that you're still not okay. You've been off since Christmas and it's only gotten worse lately. I want you to tell me the truth, so I'm asking you if something happened."

Hailey's head rolled to look back at the computer screens. It wasn't that she thought she was good at hiding her pain, but she didn't realize it was as obvious as it was. She did know that Kevin was genuine in his words. This wasn't pity. This wasn't "Do you need a meal?" or "Want to get a beer?" This was making sure her soul was okay. More than that, it was him knowing that her soul wasn't okay and wanting her to know that he was willing to help her fix it. He was on her side. Like always.

Shaking her head against the onslaught of tears threatening to burn her eyes, she whispered, "Maybe."

"So talk to me," Kevin said, "Tell me what's been going on with you. I'm worried."

Hailey bit her lip and looked down at her fingers. She nodded slightly as she began picking at her nails.

"It's more than not being able to go home," Kevin continued softly.

"You guys talk about me?" she whispered, knowing the only person she'd told that to had been Kim, and that was once a few months prior.

To her surprise, Kevin chuckled and said, "Come on. We've all gossiped about each other."

She smiled as well and nodded again. Glancing up, she finally admitted, "I've been having nightmares that he's not coming home or-or that he's dead."

A flicker of sadness crossed Kevin's face before he straightened up in his seat. "I'm guessing you haven't talked to a therapist or anything."

She shot him a knowing look causing them both to laugh quietly.

"I thought so," he said.

"They're just dreams," she replied.

"Dreams or nightmares? Because that sounds pretty scary and jarring to me," Kevin countered, "And you said nightmares to start."

"They are," she said quietly with a sigh, "It's been…they've gotten worse. I don't know what to do. I've tried texting him, but he can't always reply right away. And if something were to happen, how long would it take for me to find out?"

Kevin frowned and shook his head. "I'd imagine it'd be a day or two."

"Which is too long. If he were here, I'd either see it happen or find out within hours, maybe even sooner. It's almost the worst part. My husband is in a different country."

Finally, one of those dreaded tears that had been burning her eyes fell down her cheek. She hastily wiped it away, but couldn't find it within herself to look away from Kevin. She tried to smile and shrugged.

He scooted his chair closer to her and whispered, "I'm going to give you some tough love – not to be mean, but to help you put things in perspective and because I think you'd like it better than me just saying I feel bad for you."

Wiping at her face again, she nodded and said, "Okay."

"Okay," Kevin repeated before clearing his throat. "Hailey, you are not the first person in the world to be married to a guy in the military. You're not. That means you're not the first person to have these fears or the first person to even have dreams about him being gone. What that means, though, besides not being alone, is that the military has dealt with it all. They have had to call countless people before over injuries and deaths. Hell, you've done it for your own job. I guarantee they wouldn't keep you in the dark for long if something were to happen. It might be longer than if you two were in the same city, but you're not going to have to wait months to hear what's happening."

Still nodding, Hailey blinked quickly and wiped her fingers under her eyes.

"But you're over half way, right?" Kevin said, "He originally said eight months?"

"Or more," Hailey quietly corrected. Her bottom lip shook as she said, "He-He said eight months or more. I talked to him a couple weeks ago and he brought it up again. He-He might need to stay longer."

"Okay, okay, we can deal with that," Kevin said, "Has anything been decided about that?"

She shook her head and returned to picking at her nails.

"I'll call him, then, and see what I can do, okay?" Kevin said, "We'll try to get you some answers. Maybe that will help."

Hailey nodded and whispered, "Thank you."

"Of course," Kevin replied, leaning forward to squeeze her knee, "I get that this is one of the hardest things you will ever have to do, but I believe in you, Hailey, I know you can survive this. We all do."

He stared at her until she looked up to meet his eyes. She knew he realized his words didn't do much, but she at least appreciated him trying. He'd been right: she was not the first person ever to have a spouse working overseas. This wasn't some new job that had just been created in October. It was just new to her and to Jay.

And to her friends.

Listening to Kevin talked, she realized that maybe in keeping her walls up, she had avoided letting her friends express their same worries about Jay. She might have been married to him, but they'd actually known him longer. They were all friends with him too. Not to mention Will who she'd barely talked to in the last four months. They'd shared texts and met for a couple drinks around the holidays, but they seemed to avoid talking about Jay. Maybe he'd been hurting in similar ways to her.

It probably wasn't fair of her.

Taking a deep breath, she said, "Thank you for listening."

"I don't know if I listened much," Kevin chuckled, "I think I did a lot of the talking."

"Maybe," she laughed slightly, "But I think it was all stuff I needed to hear."

Kevin squeezed her knee again then returned back to where he'd been sitting. "We should all go out for drinks soon," he said as he turned the speakers back on, "Would you come?"

Hailey rolled her eyes and said, "Yes."

"Hey, no sass, you've turned all of us down many times recently," Kevin laughed.

She smiled in defeat then sighed. "Maybe that's true. I…I'll go next time you all go out, promise."

It was a promise that, unlike Jay's, she felt she could keep.

"Holding you to it, Upton."

Still smiling, she readjusted herself against the desk and reacquainted herself with the case. Kevin did not exactly fix her nightmares, she knew they were still going to happen, especially because she didn't even bother to mention her uncle's resurgence in them, but it gave her some sort of light to focus on.

There were more questions than answers in Jay's line of work now, but they weren't the first time the questions had been asked. It'd been something she hadn't really considered before even though Kevin was completely right. It brought her a small amount of hope that things were going to be okay.

She might not be able to sleep at night, and she might not know where her husband was, but at least she wasn't alone in feeling this way.

It really wasn't as comforting as Kevin had hoped it would be, but it was something. It was at least enough to help her breathe slowly while she settled her thoughts and returned to work.

She could pretend it helped more than it had. It would probably help them both get through the rest of the day.

By the time they were leaving the district that night, it was much too late to go get drinks, and Hailey was actually a little disappointed over the fact. She settled on heading home - alone - for a glass of wine before bed.

Sitting at the kitchen island, she stared at the red wine in her glass before closing her eyes and taking a long sip.

Her memory of first introducing Jay to wine at some police benefit years before was overshadowed by Sean McGrady, but the first memory of actually having a glass of wine with him in this very apartment was much more fun and much more recent.

They had been married for one week when Jay had hoisted her up onto the counter so they could be eye-level as they both had a glass of whiskey. The alcohol tasted much better now that they were drinking to celebrate instead of drinking to forget or numb pain. It didn't hurt that Trudy had bought the bottle for them as a wedding gift.

Jay asked her halfway through his glass if they needed to start acting more adult-ish now that they were married. She'd laughed, unsure of what he meant, and then he announced he wanted her to teach him about wine. He thought it'd go along with their rings and be something fun to do together.

So she went out the next day and bought a bottle of wine and a box of dark chocolate that they could try out before signing up for a Wine of the Month subscription. That night, the two of them sat on their couch, each with a glass of 2019 Cabernet Sauvignon in hand.

"I don't know," he'd said while staring at the red liquid, "This is…interesting."

"It's good!" she'd laughed before tapping her glass to his, "Come on, to being married."

He'd smiled at that and nodded. Both of them took a slow sip of wine as they held each other's gaze. Hailey'd thought it'd been really good, even better when she had a piece of chocolate with it, but Jay had cleared his throat and shook his head at the taste.

"Interesting," he had said under his breath.

She'd smiled at him and encouraged him to keep trying it, especially with the chocolate. He was still unsure, but went along with her until they were both a buzzed pile of laughter on the couch – the bottle of wine nearly empty and the chocolate long forgotten between them.

It'd been fun.

Hailey glanced over at the couch where they'd sat that night and where Jay had drunkingly told her she was the best wife he ever had. She remembered laughing so hard at that that she'd fallen off the couch. Jay had sworn he was telling the truth and reminded her he'd technically been married before, but she then said what she'd told him dozens of times since he first told her about Abby: she wasn't going to count a Vegas marriage as a marriage, not when they'd called it off days later even if the papers weren't signed for a couple years. He'd then helped her into bed, promised he was going to treat her like the classy wife he knew she was, and then proceeded to fall asleep on her half of the bed. She'd been torn between being annoyed and thinking he was adorable.

What wasn't adorable was his wine headache the next day that made him nearly insufferable until lunchtime.

She'd give a lot to have to deal with another one of his headaches.

She finished her glass of wine before getting up to grab a small piece of chocolate from the freezer. Sucking on it on the way to bed, she wondered if Jay missed sharing wine and chocolate with her. Or wine and cheese. Or wine and dinner.

Or even just her.

He always told her he loved her on the phone and sent her random hearts that he explained were sent whenever he thought about her. Unfortunately, it wasn't something he could do all the time, which, in hand, made her feel like he never thought about her or missed her. It was a cruel side effect of his job.

She curled up underneath all her blankets and squeezed her eyes shut.

Jay loved her - he had to have. She knew he did. She was a good person who was capable of experiencing love. Jay taught her that. He showed her he loved her long before they were even dating. Good people should be loved. She was loved.

She was loved.

She was loved.

She was loved.

"I love you."

"More than wine?"

"Jay!"

Jay laughed and pulled her hips closer to him. "I've missed you so much. It's so good to be home with you."

"I can't believe it. You're actually here. You're not on a plane or in Australia. You're here," she said softly, rubbing her hands over his arms.

"I am," he hummed, "And I'm staying, okay? Me and you. This is it, Hailey. It's just us. It will always be us."

"Us against the world?"

"You could say that."

They were on a beach that she'd only been to once before in her life: on a family trip to Greece with her mom's family. She'd been ten at the time, but she still remembered how warm the sun was against her skin and how happy her uncle had made her with all his jokes.

Jay's laughter right now felt like that trip.

He hugged her tightly and she never wanted him to let her go. Closing her eyes, she breathed him in and finally felt like she was the one who was at home. Jay was the one person who made her feel safe and protected, and now he was back in her arms.

Everything was as good as it possibly could get.

They were going to be okay.

That was until a gunshot broke through her peace and jolted her awake.

A/N: Sorry for the cliffhanger, but it's all fun, right? :) I'll be posting next Tuesday on April 4 instead of Monday because I'll be coming back from a trip, so that's an extra sorry for the ending. See you then!