A/N: Thank you all so so much for all your kind words last chapter! I appreciated them a crazy amount and hope you love the rest of the story just as much. Jay's home! Enjoy this one :)
TW: mentions of prescription drug abuse
Returning to Walter Reed close to two hours later, Hailey felt refreshed in a way. Half an hour under the shower getting her frustrations and worries out through her tears made her ready for whatever the day threw at her. The clean hair, clothes, and peanut butter sandwich she made in the little kitchen before she left did wonders as well. She felt as much like herself as she could given the situation, and it made all the difference.
When she approached Jay's hospital door, she wasn't surprised to find it closed, but she did jump when she reached for the handle and it was pulled open in front of her.
"Oh, sorry. Hi, there," Major Baxter said.
"Hi," she breathed, stepping back to let him out.
He nodded in reply then walked past her.
She let her gaze follow him for a moment before heading in the room herself. She opened her mouth to ask Jay what their conversation was about, but the look on his face told her everything she needed to know.
It was clear he was finally letting himself have whatever emotion he'd been suppressing while his major was there as he sat staring blankly forward, pale and unmoving.
"Jay," she whispered, walking over to return to her chair. She gently picked up his hand and squeezed his fingers.
He slowly blinked then looked at her. "I'm done," he croaked, "Permanently discharged. I-I'm done."
In her mind, she never figured he'd go back after this eight months was up, but she'd also figured he never would have gone back after all the trauma he endured during his first two tours. Then again, she'd suspected from the second she saw him the day before that returning would be off the table. She may have anticipated the conversation herself, but it was clear Jay had not.
So she nodded and remained quiet. She didn't want to argue with Jay and tell him he never would have gone back no matter his health, that she would have fought tooth and nail to keep him in Chicago. It wasn't worth the argument.
"Done," he repeated numbly, "Can never go back. I-I can't make the decision myself. It's over. It's all over."
And that's when she realized the depth of the situation. It didn't matter to her whether or not Jay wanted to go back; it was that he'd had no control in making that choice. In fact, it wasn't even a choice. Maybe he never would have wanted to go back had things been different, but at least that would have been on his terms. The reality of the situation meant the rug was ripped out from underneath him. He'd gone back out of fear and desperation. It'd been a last resort - a back up plan. He'd given up his job, his career, for this desperate attempt at normalcy and black and white. Now it was all gone.
She squeezed his hand again and took a deep breath. No matter her feelings toward the army and his original decision months before, seeing the grief on Jay's face broke her heart, so she carefully perched on the side of his bed to get closer to him and leaned down to kiss his temple.
"I'm sorry," she murmured against his skin, "I'm so sorry."
He still sat unmoving against her. Instead of making any movement, he continued mumbling, "It's over. Everything for nothing. Can't even write traffic tickets. Military won't take me, no way Chicago wants me."
At that, fear coursed through Hailey. He had a point. He'd resigned from the police force. Had he not gotten hurt, he probably could have gone back. Yet he did get hurt. He was currently in a hospital bed with his arm in a sling and second-degree burns on the left side of his body. They both knew there were physical requirements for the job that he, perhaps, could no longer do. It did leave him at a dead end.
The mentality behind that, behind having an uncertain future, scared Hailey. It wasn't the lack of a paycheck or the idea of having Jay home more that scared her, but the possibility of what it could do to his mental health. He needed to be constantly moving. He had been awful on bed rest the first time he'd gone through it, but he had the reminder that work was only weeks away to survive the time he spent on the couch. Now, work wasn't going to be on the other end of his recovery. Nothing was. She didn't know how he was going to survive.
Closing her eyes, she tilted her forehead down against his hair and tried gently holding him to her. She had no words. Nothing she could say was going to erase the last forty-eight hours of his life. All she could do was be there and hope her presence was enough comfort to at least put a band-aid on his pain.
Jay leaned into her, his hand starting to shake in her grip. He sniffled and tried talking before turning to press his face in her shirt.
She let her free hand hover over his back for a moment then gave in and decided to risk causing him more pain. He sucked in a quick breath at the movement, but then relaxed under her touch and let her hug him as best she could.
It wasn't ideal. It wasn't the welcome home hug she'd imagined. But it was what they both needed in the moment.
She could feel him silently crying against her as she cried into his hair as well. She could only guess what was causing his tears - anxiety, fear, the unknown, loss - but she knew that hers were all for him. Yes, his journey was impacting her own life, but this moment was all about him. She had a job and possibilities. He didn't have anything but a few bottles of pain pills, gauze, and a sling.
The realization of his lack of career was awfully sobering compared to their earlier progress in their marriage and partnership. It was also a reminder that Jay's recovery process was going to be a process in itself. It was not going to be easy, and it was never meant to be.
Their struggles both together and individually were going to help them grow as people; it was just hard to wrap their heads around right now.
Just like everything else in this hospital room.
"I need a nap."
Hailey sniffled and straightened up slightly. "You're tired?" she asked, "Is something…"
Wrong?
There was a lot wrong with Jay, and that unfinished question made her roll her eyes at herself. His mental health. His body having been nearly destroyed in an explosion. His job.
There were many answers he could give her.
"Yeah," Jay breathed. His right hand came up to shakily wipe at his eyes before he looked away from her.
She frowned. She could so clearly see the red rims around his eyes and knew damn well what he'd been doing against her, so it hurt ten times worse seeing him hide it from her.
"Jay," she began softly.
He shook his head and sucked in quickly causing him to choke and cough. Wincing in pain, he struggled to catch his breath.
"Hey, hey," Hailey whispered as she stood up. She helped hold him up and rubbed his back. "Slow down, I'm right here."
She watched Jay desperately meet her concerned gaze and struggle to grab her free hand. Coughing harder, more tears came to his eyes and he tried saying something she couldn't quite make out.
"I don't know," she whispered, "I-I don't know what you're-"
"Water," he gasped, "Water." He let go of her hand to rip the oxygen tube from his face before sitting up as much as possible.
Hailey nodded quickly and spun around to grab the half-filled water cup on his bedside table. She helped him drink it down, ignoring the water spilling on his gown, and finally felt at peace when his rough coughing came to an end.
"Take a second," she breathed as she stepped back and placed the empty cup back on the table.
Jay closed his eyes and cleared his throat. "Oh my god," he mumbled.
Hailey bit her lip and returned to sitting on the edge of the bed. She slowly rubbed her hand over his thigh and asked, "Just swallowed wrong or was it…was it more?"
A year and a half before, she'd had a panic attack in the locker room, and he'd somehow known exactly what to do to help her calm down. It'd worked in a way before Voight had shown up, but she'd appreciated his hand in hers as she struggled to return to reality. She could clearly remember how tight her chest felt and how she couldn't get enough air in her lungs. She'd been shaking beyond her control and was terrified that somehow she was going to die – either because of the physical pain she was in or because of the emotional turmoil she'd been stuck in.
Looking back, she suspected that Jay had experience on his own dealing with panic attacks. It pained her in knowing that he'd once gone through the same thing as her.
"Just…air," Jay mumbled, "Not a…not…you know."
She couldn't help but let her lips tip up because even in their confused and distressed states, they could still communicate without all of their words being said.
"Okay," she replied softly. Lightly squeezing his leg, she sat still, watching him slowly return to reality as he pressed his hand into his eyes and let out quiet groans every once in a while.
It completely broke her heart like much she'd seen over the last twenty-four hours, but she reminded herself that she was going to be the strong one. She needed to be the person who kept pushing forward through all the pain and heartache. Her job was to be his rock, and she was going to take it seriously no matter how much it pained her.
Eventually, Jay sat up and shakily picked up his oxygen tube. "Damn thing," he mumbled before trying to fit it back on his face.
"Can I?" she asked softly with her hand out.
Jay frowned, but nodded and placed the tube in her hand.
"Here we go," she breathed as she helped him get it situated back over his ears and under his nose. She tried to smile then brushed her fingers over his cheek. "Maybe they'll let you take it off tomorrow, huh?"
"Hope so," Jay sighed. He blinked his eyes quickly as he laid back on the bed with another quiet groan. She didn't miss the glare he sent toward his left arm in the sling.
"Still want to nap?" she quietly asked.
He nodded and turned his head away from her against the pillow.
"Jay," she whispered.
"I'm tired, Hailey," he whispered back, "Please."
She bit her lip and almost gave in to his request, but then changed her mind. Shaking her head, she said, "I think we should talk."
Jay shook his head as well and tugged at his blanket.
"Jay," she gently warned.
"I lost my job and have no future, what's there to talk about?" he mumbled, "Threw it all away. It's gone. I'm tired and my arm hurts and my skin feels like it's all completely glued together with lava. If I can't work, I might as well sleep, okay? Can you just give me this?"
His voice laced with desperation and sadness combined with the fact that he was still not looking at her was her last straw. There were many times in their partnership where she wasn't afraid to push past his emotions and make him talk through them no matter the cause. She firmly believed that letting out those fears and anxieties was beneficial, especially after the weight that'd been let off her shoulders upon sharing what had happened regarding Voight and Roy with Jay the previous year. Talking helped, and Jay needed help.
But he also had a right to be sad and frustrated and scared at what was to come. Who was she to tell him to ignore all of that just to talk to her? In his defense, he'd had less than an hour to process what his major had told him – that was not a long time. Even just the day before, she'd had much more time to process his state before talking to Val and Brianna about it all. Jay should have the same opportunity to think on his own before talking to her about what he was feeling, and, really, silence should not have been a hard gift to give after the lack of words she'd said in the last twenty-four hours.
So she let a few tears fall as she nodded at his request and murmured, "Okay." She helped him get the blanket further over himself then rubbed a hand down his right arm. When her fingers reached his hand, she intertwined their fingers for a brief moment before leaning down to kiss his cheek. She felt a tear drip off her eyelash onto his skin and was sure he'd felt it as well, but neither of them said anything as she straightened up.
"Thank you," he said under his breath.
She hummed in response and sat down in her chair next to his bed.
Just as she was leaning back with a tissue in hand to wipe her eyes, he mumbled so quietly that she almost didn't hear him: "Can you get them to up my meds?"
Her eyes widened at his change of heart from the night before. "You…you want more meds?"
"I want to sleep," he corrected without turning toward her.
After all she'd cried for that morning in the shower, she assumed she wouldn't have to sob like that for days, and yet here she sat with pain bubbling in her throat at the effort of holding back even more tears.
"If that's what you want."
"It is."
Hailey nodded and closed her eyes for a second as his whispered words floated toward her. She'd told him to take the medicine to dull the pain, but she'd also meant the physical pain, not the emotional pain. She knew that was why he truly wanted the increase in his morphine, and it scared her more than anything.
It was the exact reason as to why she had been afraid upon seeing his face earlier after he'd gotten the news about his discharge. She did not want him to become dependent on some sort of drug to avoid any emotions that were relatively harder than the day-to-day stresses. It would be an easy hole to fall in; one she knew he'd fallen in before with alcohol.
She glanced at the red button on the wall and took a deep breath. He was awake and would most certainly notice whether or not she actually called the nurse into his room. With that, she didn't doubt that he'd be able to hear what the two women discussed in hushed whispers, especially because he seemed determined enough to get what he wanted.
It scared her.
Hesitantly, she reached over to press her finger to the button, a rush of tears forming in her eyes. All she could tell herself was that they were in the hospital and everything was going to be monitored and controlled. Even better, they were in a military hospital, and she had no doubt that Jay was not the first soldier to be told he was permanently discharged from the military. They had to have dealt with the touchy subject of addiction and drugs before and most certainly in a way different than how she's had in the past from the other side of the line.
It scared her, but she felt strangely safe asking for what he wanted. She needed to as to not completely lose her mind and potentially lose her husband.
Not again.
They both stayed silent through their tears until the nurse stepped into the room a minute later. Hailey quietly asked her to fill Jay's request and followed her movements throughout the room as she added the medicine to the IV. She watched as she asked for Jay's pain levels and then made several notes on a chart at the end of his bed. Brianna sent her a smile before leaving again and turning the lights off. It wasn't at all comforting.
Jay tossed around to the best of his ability for a moment before finally getting comfortable. When Hailey caught a glimpse of his face, her frown deepened at the dried tears still around his eyes. He didn't notice, though, and simply sighed as he tugged at the blanket one last time. Within another minute, he appeared asleep, leaving Hailey alone with her overpowering thoughts.
The fears of what was going to happen to Jay, their marriage, and even herself echoed throughout her mind like neon lights against a dark sky. She couldn't turn them off. They were jarring and started a migraine behind her eyes. If only she could have a turn at his IV.
Sighing, she got off the recliner and pulled her phone out. The thought of staring at it mindlessly made her incoming migraine twinge, but the thought of taking to someone and releasing the thoughts causing that same migraine was welcoming.
She absentmindedly brushed her thumb over the screen while walking to the window. Curling up on the bench seat, she watched Trudy's name light up her phone for a moment before it showed that she answered. She smiled slightly and held it to her ear to say, "Hello?"
"Hailey? It's been longer than I expected. What's going on?" Trudy replied instantly.
"I'm okay," Hailey said softly, "He's…he's okay."
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Jay shift slightly on the bed and briefly wondered if he was still awake, but then Trudy scoffed in her ear.
"The truth, Hailey."
Hailey winced and looked back out the window. Rubbing her face, she quietly said, "I'm okay, really. He's alive. He's pretty beat up, burnt too, but at least he's alive, right? Memory's in tact, right arm fully functional, he's okay."
"You were pretty specific right there with the right arm. What's going on with the left? Isn't that his shoulder where he was hurt before?"
Hailey nodded to herself and pulled her knee up further to her chest. Resting her chin on it, she hummed and whispered, "Banged up. Sprained his shoulder, lots of shrapnel. Pretty much as bad as it could get without being…you know."
Trudy made a noise in agreement then left the line quiet for a moment leaving Hailey to her thoughts again.
Only she couldn't take it for long. The whole reason for the phone call was to let out her overpowering thoughts, so Hailey cleared her throat and said, "He's been medically discharged and…and he's done. Can't go back this time. It's not like before where it was just until he was healed or would want to go back. Even if he wanted to go back, they won't have him. His major came a little bit ago to tell him, and it's hurting him. Trudy…he…"
She broke off to hide her face in her knees. The tears quickly fell down her cheeks at the memory of his face upon her return to the hospital room.
"More painful than the burns?" Trudy asked softly.
"Mhmm," Hailey breathed.
Again, they sat in silence as Hailey worked to gather her thoughts. More painful than the burns. She'd heard long ago that emotional and mental wounds took much longer to heal than physical wounds, and she hated that she was about to watch the person she loved more than anything in the world experience that for himself.
"He's strong, Hailey."
She shook her head and blinked quickly against further tears. Glancing over at Jay still facing away from her, she whispered, "He is, but I'm afraid this might have broken him a little. He was saying he's done, that there's nothing left for him. He can't live like that. You know him; he can't work a desk for the rest of his life."
"No, but we'll find him something."
"How? How is he supposed to get a job if the military won't even take him?"
"We will find him a job - do not worry about that, especially right now. There are more important things than jobs, Hailey. How about you focus on getting him home? What's his goal for today?"
Hailey sniffled and looked back out the window. "Goal?"
"Yes, his goal. He should have some sort of goal each day to help get him ready to go home. What'd he do today?"
"Um, well, he got out of bed earlier to brush his teeth. Maybe we can try another walk later?"
"I think that sounds reasonable. Is he eating?"
"I made him eat breakfast."
"Good. Keep doing that. Focus on the things you can do there. No one gets a job from a hospital bed. He's not that special; no one was going to come knocking down his door begging him to work for them. You can tell him I said that too."
Hailey finally laughed. She wiped her hand under her nose and sniffled. "Next time he's fighting me on his IV or meds, I'll let him know. I'm sure he'll love it."
"He does love me. That's a fact. You all do. You need me."
Hailey laughed harder and nodded. "We do," she said softly, "I don't know what I would have done yesterday without you. Thank you."
"Thank me when you get him home."
"I will, promise."
Taking a deep breath, she turned back to Jay and softened. She didn't know what she would have done without Trudy, but she also didn't know what she would do without her husband. Trudy was right: worrying about getting him a job and keeping him busy upon returning to Chicago was currently a waste of time. If she didn't help him get better right now, there would be no Chicago. It was just like Trudy saying the we when referring to Jay getting a job. That was a team effort just like Jay getting better was one. He couldn't do that alone in the same way he couldn't get a job alone. They were all going to help in any way they could, but she especially needed to step up right now. It'd been what she'd been planning on doing all along, it just took the woman she trusted with her life since she was twelve years-old saying it to remind her of her own goal.
Jay needed to go home to the rest of his family. That needed to be accomplished before anyone even considered getting him a new job.
And right now, she was one of the few people who could help him do that.
"Thanks for picking up…again," she said softly.
"And, again, don't thank me for that," Trudy replied, "I'm here for you for anything. We'll get through this together."
Hailey smiled slightly and nodded to herself. "We will."
Trudy waited a beat, then said, "Get some rest. Treat him like a baby, nap when he naps."
Hailey laughed. "Should I tell him that? Think he'll appreciate it?"
"You could tell him anything and he'd be happy. I don't know if you've noticed, but your husband kind of likes you. It's been obvious since before you were even dating."
Humming, Hailey felt her face flush, but still smiled. "Guess I owe you a thanks for dealing with all of that for the last few years too."
"Mhmm, that you do."
Hailey smiled over at Jay and rubbed her hand down her leg. Gripping her ankle, she took a deep breath and said, "Can I call you later?"
"Any time. Whatever you need. I will say, though, that his brother wasn't the most thrilled to get the news, he could probably benefit from a call first."
Hailey sighed at the reminder of the real world and nodded. "I'll wait till Jay's awake; he could probably use a call home too."
"Sounds good. Stay strong."
Hailey relaxed and breathed, "Thank you," before hanging up her phone. She rested her cheek on her knees while staring at Jay.
Stay strong.
It sounded easier than she believed it to be, but she was going to try. She needed to. Jay deserved that.
Hell, Will deserved that. And Trudy. And even the rest of the unit.
Even his mom.
She let out a breath then got up to walk back to Jay's bed. His eyes were still closed, so she settled on adjusting his blankets over him. Brushing her hand over his hair, she leaned down to kiss his forehead.
"You're going to be okay," she whispered, "We'll figure it out. I promise you."
He shifted against her then opened his eyes. He shook his head slightly and reached for her hand.
"Hey, hey," she breathed – partly shocked, but also not at all surprised that he hadn't gone asleep like she'd originally assumed. She knelt next to his bed and placed a hand lightly on his face. "You will be, so let's not even worry about the job thing. It's not worth the energy." Rubbing her thumb along his cheek, she said, "What's worth it, though, is focusing on getting better. Things like walking and getting dressed and eating are important. You know what else is important? You. You're important, and I'm going to do anything I can to make you realize that." She squeezed his hand and took a deep breath. "You and me, okay? We said always; we're going to stick to that. I meant it, did you?"
Jay nodded and gripped her hand tightly. "Of course," he murmured.
She smiled and nodded back at him. "We'll figure it out," she said softly, "One day at a time. I…you probably know since you were eavesdropping-"
Jay chuckled slightly and closed his eyes again to lean into her hand.
Her smile widened as she glanced between him and his IV pole. Returning to rub her thumb along his cheek, she said, "I was talking to Trudy, and she reminded me that you should have a goal each day. A job won't even be a goal until we reach Chicago. Goals right now are those little things like walking."
Jay hummed in agreement, and his grip loosened on her hand.
Watching his face soften, she felt herself relax as well. She had absolutely no idea if he was really listening to her or understanding what she was saying to him, but she didn't care. She, at least, could breathe easier and knew the next few days were going to be possible to get through, even if Jay still struggled to see the big picture.
She had to remember that she'd told him he could be scared. He was, of course, allowed to be upset about the job and scared about what was going to happen – she'd told him before that he could be as scared as he needed to be and that she'd be the strong one.
She needed to be strong, and she knew she could do it.
She could uphold that promise. It was just one of the promises she needed to keep. She'd vowed a year and a half before to faithfully love him in sickness and in health. This was her moment to prove to him that her vows meant something to her.
They were going to be fine.
As Jay slept, Hailey stayed in the recliner occasionally drifting off as well. When she'd jerk awake, she'd lean over to check he was still breathing and asleep, brush her fingers lightly along his face, then return to watching him through hazy eyes before falling back asleep as well.
Brianna brought the lunch Jay must have ordered while she was gone, so she quietly set it up on his tray as she waited for him to wake back up. The second he was blinking his eyes and groaning while reaching for the bed control to sit up, she took a breath and mentally prepared herself for the rest of their day together.
The job was just a hiccup, she decided. It was a bump in their day that maybe did some damage to their car, but it was still drivable. Nothing had completely broken them down yet, and she believed that nothing would.
Jay made a quiet comment about asking for no cucumbers on his salad and began picking them out of the lettuce. He met Hailey's eyes before even setting them on his plate and simply raised an eyebrow.
She laughed softly and nodded, putting her hand out for him. When he set the cucumber slices in her palm, she ate them with a smile and moved to sit at the foot of his bed.
Jay slowly began to eat his salad, and, once he seemed to rid his arm of any stiffness, he nodded to himself then swallowed a bite. "Hailey," he said.
"Yeah?" she breathed, sitting up while crossing her legs underneath her.
"I'm scared," Jay admitted quietly while poking at his salad. Without looking at her, he poured some more dressing on the lettuce then said, "But you were right, and I'm sorry. I need to focus on right now. There was no way I'd get any job in my bed anyways."
Hailey couldn't help but laugh softly as she shook her head.
Jay looked up at her with wide eyes. "What?"
Shaking her head again, she set a hand over his foot on the blanket and said, "Trudy said the same thing. You're not special."
Jay scoffed and said, "Thanks, wife."
Hailey let out a loud laugh, and it felt like she was back at home.
She thought back to the first time he'd said 'wife' just like that. They'd been married just a few weeks when they decided to host Christmas with Will at their apartment. She was cooking chicken and working on rubbing the marinade in it when Jay somehow managed to get a paper cut on one of recipes they'd printed out to follow. He'd been shaking his hand around and swearing loudly, telling her it hurt all while she laughed and continued what she'd been doing.
"Seriously?" he'd asked as he started walking toward the bathroom where the bandaids were, "You're not going to help me out?"
"It's a paper cut, Jay, you didn't slice your finger off," she'd replied through her laughter, "And I'm busy! You'd get salmonella if I ran and got chicken all in your devastating little paper cut."
"Still hurts," he'd mumbled back, but not quiet enough that she didn't hear his added, "Thanks a lot, wife."
It just caused her to laugh even harder.
He could call her his wife any time of day under any circumstances, and she knew it was always going to make her day.
They were married. She was someone's wife and had a husband of her own. She liked being reminded of that fact.
Even now, with Jay in a hospital bed, it made her smile as she squeezed his leg.
"I'm just saying what she said. You were never, and are never, going to just be given a job while in a hospital bed. I'm glad that you're starting to see that," she explained.
"Could have done it nicer," Jay mumbled, but still had a small smile on his face as he returned to eating his lunch.
Hailey hummed and shrugged. "You know Trudy."
To her joy, Jay smiled up at her and nodded. "I do. Bet she said some other incredibly kind words about me."
"Oh, of course," Hailey laughed.
Jay took a bite of salad then poked at some more with his fork. Holding it out to Hailey, he asked, "Tell me some more about her and the others? Catch me up on things you didn't or couldn't tell me over the phone? Or even things you did tell me. I don't care. I just want to hear you talk and focus on something other than this damn place."
She smiled and leaned forward to accept the bite of salad. Once she swallowed, she nodded and said, "Who do I start with?"
"You know I love a good story about Adam doing something dumb," Jay said.
Hailey laughed and shook her head, but still began telling him about the plumbing issues she'd overheard for months at Adam and Kim's house. It was so little and insignificant compared to what they were all actually dealing with that it was the perfect distraction.
She didn't need to tell Jay the real, hard stuff everyone was dealing with. He didn't need to know about Kim's PTSD that she'd noticed or the struggle Dante was having with the rest of the police force. Things like that had no place inside their bubble of a hospital room. They both needed to talk about and hear the silly things that made the real world less scary. Things like Adam trying to teach Makayla how to ice-skate and Trudy inviting her over for meatloaf where Randall told her all about everything at Firehouse 51. She updated him on the couple dates she knew Kevin had gone on and how she'd run into Dante at a coffee shop where he'd then tried hiding the fact that he was on a date of his own. He was interested in the peanut butter cookies Kim had brought into the district a month before and used that story to tell her about the few drawings he'd received from Makayla while he was gone.
They both quieted down as he finished talking about a green llama picture he'd hung next to his bed. There was an obvious direction for the conversation to go, but neither wanted to head in it – not when things were finally starting to feel like they were going well.
Hailey rubbed her hand over his leg then softly asked, "Want to take a walk? If it's too far, we can grab a wheelchair. Maybe find a spot to call Will from?"
Jay smiled slightly and nodded. "Help me up?"
"Of course," she said while standing up.
That morning, she'd depended heavily on Brianna to help Jay on his feet, but now, she was determined to do it on her own. There was something about truly being the person that her husband relied on that was important to her. She wanted to prove to him, and to herself, that she could lead the charge in getting him back to his old self.
Together, they made their way down the hallway with him trying to remain as quiet as possible despite the soft groans coming out of his mouth with every step he took. Hailey debated for a moment if she should force him to stop, but he kept his eyes on the floor and seemed determined not to admit defeat, so she allowed him to tighten his grip on her arm no matter how much it hurt.
Finally, though, when they'd reached the corner with several windows and a few chairs, he shook his head and came to a stop. "I can't, I'm sorry, but I can't."
"Don't even, Jay Halstead," Hailey breathed as she reached over to drag one of the chairs closer. She helped him in it before going over to grab a chair for herself. "New rule," she began.
"Another one?" Jay huffed with a small smirk on his lips. Closing his eyes, he worked to catch his breath before asking, "What's the rule?"
Hailey adjusted the strap of his sling then said, "No apologizing for being in pain. You can tell me you're hurting – I'm not going to judge you."
"So I have to eat my meals and tell you when I want to just lay on the floor and scream because the entire left side of my body feels like it's going to be ripped off with every step I take?" Jay asked.
Frowning, Hailey scooted forward to place her hands on the arms of his chair. "Does it really hurt that bad?" she asked softly.
"Definitely not enjoyable," he replied, "Which scares me because I still have this-" He held up his right hand with the IV in it. "And we both know she added more pain meds earlier. If I'm on some sort of drug and am hurting this much, I'm never going to survive taking just Tylenol or Motrin in the next few days."
"You're going to survive," Hailey quickly defended. Making sure he was meeting her eyes, she then added, "And you can take as much time as you need on the strong stuff. Again, not judging you at all. I won't even go around telling everyone what you decide to do about it – except maybe your brother and maybe Trudy, but that one's only with your permission."
Jay laughed slightly and set his hand on hers. "I'd appreciate that, but I just don't want to become some sort of robot who depends on an IV to get through the day."
"Not a robot," she said softly, "A human being who needs some help. It's been two days since it happened, give yourself a break."
"Just want it to go by fast," Jay replied.
Hailey shook her head, but still smiled slightly as she said, "I wish, but we'll take one day at a time, okay?"
Sighing, Jay squeezed her hand. She half-expected him to come back with something about still being in pain and hating every second, but then he asked, "When'd you turn into Will?"
Hailey's smile widened and she teased, "Oh, really? You really think I'm your brother? Guess I shouldn't be thinking about kissing you then."
Jay laughed and sat back in his chair. "Please keep thinking about that, though I would like if you could get me some chapstick: my lips are killing me. This place is hurting my face."
Hailey shook her head with a soft laugh as she pulled her foot up underneath her. Staring at her husband with several cuts still on his face that was still swollen and bruised, she knew the dry air wasn't what was really bothering him, but it was still such a predictable response from him that she felt like she could ignore his injuries for just a moment and pretend they were back in Chicago.
"The one in my bag is cherry flavored, you okay with that?" she asked.
"Anything is better than the current situation," Jay said.
She smiled and rubbed her thumb over his hand. "Okay. I'll bring it tomorrow."
"And maybe some clothes?" he asked, "I know you think my legs are my best feature, but-"
Hailey burst into laughter and shook her head. "I can't believe you just said that."
"What?" Jay laughed, "It's true!"
"Your legs are great, but not your best feature, babe," she said, "Arms for sure."
Simultaneously, their smiles froze on their faces, and she felt like an idiot. Currently, he was really just down to one arm with the left in a sling for the foreseeable future. With the amount of bandages on it, as well, she didn't even know what it looked like right now. It could be covered in burns, and she had no idea.
But that's when she realized she didn't care if it really did have a lot of burns. She didn't even care if Jay's face remained swollen and scarred. He was back. She could touch him and hold his hand and hear him laugh again. It didn't matter what he looked like. It never had. It was his personality that she'd fallen in love with, and it was all she ever needed from him.
As he looked away from her to absentmindedly scratch at a bruise on his thigh, she let out a breath and moved as close to him that she could get without actually getting on his chair with him.
"Hey," she whispered.
He sighed and rubbed his fist lightly under his eyes before saying, "Yeah?"
"Bruises fade and the burns will heal," she said, "There are many other things about you that matter much more to me than what you look like."
Jay chuckled and a smile flickered across his face. "I know," he said softly, "Sorry, I-" He stopped when she raised an eyebrow and his smile managed to grow. "You're pretty amazing, did you know that?"
She smiled as well and reached up to rest her hand on his jaw. "I do because you've told me before. You're a good man, too. An amazing man. My man."
Smiling back at her, Jay said softly, "And you're my girl. Forever."
"And always," she finished before leaning forward to kiss him.
She sat back much too soon for her liking, but they were in public where anyone could see him, and she'd brought him out here for a reason.
Taking her phone from her pocket, she held it out to him and said softly, "Call your brother."
Jay chuckled and accepted it. "I'd rather be doing what we were just doing," he said, but still opened her contacts and let out a soft sigh.
She smiled and gently squeezed his knee before leaning against the arm of her chair to watch him hold her phone to his ear.
There was a beat of silence and then Jay's face lit up. "Will?" he said quietly, "It's me: Jay."
Hailey surprised herself by feeling tears come to her eyes. Watching her husband quickly reassure his brother that he was fine tugged on her heartstrings. She would have given anything the day before to get this phone call from Jay himself in the morning. It would have relieved much of the worrying she'd done on the plane ride here if she could have just known that he was alive and well.
Then again, looking at him, she knew he was far from well. Even after the morning he'd had, there was no way she could say he was mentally well, but she was determined to believe that he would be.
It was really all she could do.
She would have stayed another night on the recliner, but then Jay created a rule of his own, and she had a hard time turning him down: "You need to sleep in a bed every night we're staying here."
So she grabbed her list of items Jay had asked she bring back the following morning, gave him one last lingering kiss on his still dry lips that he managed to complain about two more times since his phone call with Will, and reluctantly left his hospital room.
Knowing his phone was back up and running gave her a peace of mind since he promised to text or call her if he needed absolutely anything during the night, but she was still worried something was going to happen while she was gone. She spent the entire drive back to the house, though, telling herself that he was in good hands and that he'd be getting the best care in the country if anything further were to happen – even if Will had tried making a joke earlier that she needed to hijack a plane and bring Jay home so he could see for himself the damage that had been done. Her response was a promise to get Jay to FaceTime him the following day so he could do just that.
It at least gave them all something to look forward to.
She just needed to sleep first in order to even get that chance, so once she was back in her room, she took another shower that didn't result in her gasping for breath on the floor of the tub and tried her best to unwind for the night. She didn't even get out an outfit for the following day or make a pile of Jay's requested items. She just focused on herself and dimmed all the lights in the room.
It made for a rather quiet atmosphere once the curtains were shut and she was situated on top of her bed. Taking a deep breath, she laid back on the warm blankets and closed her eyes. She placed her palms up and breathed in again.
Without her melatonin tea, she knew she was going to have to work to fall asleep, but she told herself this was for Jay. The faster she fell asleep, the faster she could see him again, so it was worth the weak attempt at meditation.
She tried imagining being at the beach underneath the hot sun with waves crashing all around her. Subconsciously, she felt like she was moving slowly with them. They had almost rocked her asleep when her mind wandered too far and Jay had made his way into her imaginary world by swimming past her in the lake.
She sighed and shook him from her mind. She didn't want to have to worry about him right now. She'd rather sleep and see him when she woke up.
Again, she took a deep breath and shifted to thinking about being next to a fireplace in a cabin somewhere. There was snow falling outside a window and gave a cozy vibe where she sat. She tried focusing on the way the snow drifted against the window with the fire crackling in the back of her mind. It was warm and had just about soothed her to sleep when Jay walked into her little cabin room with two mugs of hot chocolate in hand.
Nothing she could do could help.
No matter where she put herself or what kind of meditation she tried, Jay always managed to slip into her dream world.
Just when she was about to give up two hours later, she thought she'd give herself one last chance and actually leaned into her subconscious. She finally climbed underneath her covers, wrapped herself around a pillow as if it was Jay, and closed her eyes one final time.
This time, she put herself back at every place and imagined Jay was there with her as they relaxed at whatever vacation they managed to get. He rubbed sunscreen on her back at the beach and sat next to her on the couch in the cabin as they drank their hot chocolate and even ran his hand through her hair as they took a train ride together. It was when she finally felt her body grow heavy with sleep.
He was always the one thing that could get her to relax and find peace in whatever situation they found themselves in. She felt silly to think she could do this without him, especially now that he was back in her life.
She was smiling to herself at the thought of Jay kissing her again without chapped lips when she finally found herself drifting away to sleep.
"Firefly, what do you think you're doing?"
Hailey blinked and sat up in a chair near a bonfire in a forest. "Uncle DJ?"
"Yeah, bug, it's me," he said as he walked over to sit across from her.
She looked to her right where Jay had been, but he was gone now. It'd been like she was kissing the air.
"Kissing that boy again?" Uncle DJ asked.
She blushed as she weakly laughed and nodded.
"He's a good man, Hailey, and you're doing the right thing by staying strong for him," Uncle DJ continued.
She tilted her head to the side and opened her mouth to reply, but she was just confused.
"Jay," Uncle DJ explained, "He's a good man. He's scared right now and going through a lot. You're being a good wife, a great one, by supporting him and staying strong even when you're scared yourself. I'm proud of you."
He stood up from his chair and walked around the fire to hug her tightly.
Still shocked, she accepted the hug and gently wrapped her arms back around him. He knew. He somehow knew what had happened with Jay and her own thoughts on the subject and was proud of her.
She hadn't heard him say that in so long.
With tears in her eyes, she lightly squeezed him and whispered, "Thank you."
He held her close before straightening up and setting his hand on her cheek. "I love you, firefly, never forget that."
She swallowed a lump in her throat and nodded. Placing her hand over his, she whispered, "I won't."
He smiled then stepped back to turn away and walk into the darkness. With every step he took, more and more fireflies started lighting up the edge of the forest until they were all she could see.
She wiped at her eyes then took a deep breath. "I love you too," she breathed.
A/N: Let me know what you think? :) Talk to you next week!