A/N: Hi everyone! Sorry this one's a little late, but it's been a long day. I hope you'll still enjoy this one though! We're slowly working on climbing out of that angst hole, maybe we'll get out today? ;)
For the next eight days, Hailey felt like her life was a rollercoaster. She didn't know if she was going to smile more or feel more like crying in the shower again, but she did know she was going to have to force herself to look for the good moments as they happened as they weren't as obvious to her as the negative ones.
There was the day she first helped Jay get dressed in his own clothes. They'd managed to get his sweatpants on with minimal issues, but his t-shirt felt near impossible with the sling and amount of bandages covering the left side of his body, so they settled on him putting the gown back on over the pants. When she laid in bed thinking back on it that night, she kept reminding herself that she'd at least gotten to see Jay smile that day. They'd almost felt normal when she'd kissed his right hip while standing up as she helped him. He'd laughed and gently grabbed her own waist before whispering in her ear that he couldn't wait to do the same for her once they got home.
He'd said something similar the day she helped him in the shower. To both their surprise, nothing went completely wrong. Any awkwardness that existed at the start of the shower disappeared within minutes when Hailey dropped the shower head and got water all over herself. Jay had laughed so hard at her slipping around the bathroom that he'd had to hold his gut in a small attempt to calm down. She'd simply smiled at him before holding the shower right over his head and laughed as he waved her off. He told her then that he couldn't wait until they were back in Chicago so he could repay the favor.
It was followed about an hour later by him getting rather sick from some of the medicine he had started taking that morning in place of his IV. She'd tried turning off the lights and getting him water to help with the nausea, but nothing seemed to work and they both felt rather defeated. She left that night scared of what she was going to miss while she slept, so she had a few cups of coffee in an attempt to stay awake and stare at her phone in case he called her.
There was the day of his first occupational therapy session that resulted in them both having a short temper with each other. She hated that he didn't seem to be putting his full effort into the exercises while he argued that the whole thing was a waste of his time and that he'd rather be lifting real weights in place of squeezing a small ball in his fist. The doctor had left them in a tense silence that lasted over an hour before Jay attempted an apology by showing her a video on his phone of someone scaring their co-workers by hiding in a trashcan. It broke the tension between the two of them, and she made her way onto his bed to rest her head on his good shoulder while they watched more silly videos he found.
It was as comforting as the rainy day they spent watching movies on her laptop. She did her best to help him stretch out his sore arm when she wasn't holding an ice-pack to him, and, in turn, he lightly played with her hair as she napped next to him. It almost felt like they were back at home together in their apartment on a rare day off.
There was the first time he met his temporary therapist. She hadn't been surprised that he was extremely hesitant and whispered to her before the woman walked through his door that he thought this too was a waste of his time since he wasn't going to be here for long, but she was surprised that he invited her to stay in the room with him as he talked and seemed to be telling the honest truth about how he felt about what had happened, his lack of career, and his fears for returning to Chicago. It gave her more insight into what he was going through and even seemed to make her love him even more. She'd gone to bed that night holding on to the way he'd kissed her after his session and the way his hand felt against her thigh as he assured her that while he was scared of what was to come, he still was positive that he loved her and wanted to keep working to be better for her.
All of it led to one of their final days in Jay's hospital room when his doctor told them both he'd be clearing Jay in the following days and that they could start looking for plane tickets back to Chicago. Hailey hadn't been expecting a rush of nerves to flood her system, but she'd laid in bed that night suddenly in fear of what was to come.
Not only was she going to have to get Jay on a plane and help him stay comfortable for the entire flight, she was going to have to help take care of him without the aid of nurses back at their apartment. She was going to be the one in charge of getting him to his therapy and doctor appointments all while also balancing all his medication and bandages that were necessary for getting him healthy again. Her mind spun as she stared at her ceiling until she finally sat up in bed and began making a list on her phone of everything she was going to have to do upon their return to Chicago. It did little to calm her nerves, but it at least gave her something to do during the night until she took what was more of a short nap than actual sleep on top of her bed.
When she returned to Jay's hospital room the next morning, she wasn't expecting to walk in on him talking with his therapist, Dr. June, so she did little to hide the shock on her face at seeing the woman sitting in the recliner she had claimed for herself over a week before.
"Hi, Hailey," Dr. June greeted once Hailey had closed the door, "I wanted to get in one last session before you two headed home."
"Yeah, of course," Hailey replied softly, "Sorry, I…I wasn't expecting you. Do you want me to come back in a little bit?"
Before Dr. June could reply, Jay nodded and said, "Yeah. Maybe just fifteen minutes? Want to grab us one last peanut butter cookie from the cafeteria?"
Hailey wet her lips quickly and nodded as well. "Sure," she said, "I don't mind. Um, just…" She set the small duffle bag she'd brought to pack up the few things Jay had accumulated on the floor near the bathroom then walked over to kiss his cheek. "Just text me when you're ready," she whispered.
"I will," he assured as he squeezed her hand. He shot her a small smile, but turned back to Dr. June the second she stepped away from him.
She tried not to put much thought into it as she walked from the room. Out of all of his therapy sessions, she'd only been asked to leave two other times: once by Dr. June the second day she came to talk and once by Jay two days after which happened to be the same day as their argument during his occupational therapy. Neither of those times had bothered her, but there was something about today that felt off and rubbed her the wrong way.
As she stood in the elevator on her way down to the cafeteria, she rubbed her thumb over Jay's dog tags still around her neck. She hadn't been able to take them off since the second she slipped them over her head. He'd said nothing about her wearing them, but she knew he'd noticed. One of the times she was half-asleep on his bed, she'd barely felt his cool fingers brushing over the back of her neck. He'd been dragging them through her hair until stopping at the silver chain sticking out from her collar. She could have been imagining it, but she swore his hand was shaking against her as he hesitantly touched the necklace. She didn't know when she'd be ready to discuss it with him, but she was sure it was a conversation they were going to have to have at some point.
The elevator dinged upon reaching the cafeteria floor, and she stepped off to head into the direction she'd memorized over the past few days. He wanted a peanut butter cookie. It was one of the few sweets he ever really enjoyed, and she'd been working on perfecting their recipe before he'd left back in October. It'd been her hope that maybe he'd come home early for at least dessert if sent him pictures of his favorite cookie to bribe him. It all felt stupid now – nothing would have brought him home to her then. He'd been stuck.
Now, he was stuck in a different way. He'd gotten out of a jam by going to Bolivia, but then Bolivia put him in a new jam. Not only was he now physically injured, she wasn't quite sure if he had mentally recovered like he'd intended. It scared her.
Once they returned to the real world in Chicago, she knew they were going to have to address their problems they'd been avoiding here. Here, it was easy to ignore the emotional consequences of his actions because they were focusing on the physical ones. They could hone in on medications and creams and ice-packs because that was everything he needed to survive.
To live was a different story.
They were going to have to talk about their trust issues and how he started looking up to Voight and his decision to leave. They were going to be hard conversations to have, but ones she knew were necessary in order for their marriage, and even friendship, to survive.
She wanted them to be okay, she wanted to trust Jay, she wanted to continue loving him for who he was, but she didn't know if she'd be able to put herself through the last year of her life again. She needed Jay to be the Jay she'd fallen in love with, not the Jay he turned into over the course of the previous summer. She missed her best friend and partner.
As she picked up one of the big peanut butter cookies wrapped in cellophane, she smiled to herself and thought that she could start trying to perfect her recipe again. Cookies could be a good snack to have while discussing their future.
Her phone buzzed just as she was stepping away from the cash register, and she nearly dropped the cookie while trying to answer it in fear that Jay was calling her, but it was Will.
"Hey," she breathed once she pressed the phone to her ear.
"Hey," he replied, "Just wondering if you two bought tickets home yet."
"Uh, no, not yet," she replied as she made her way to an empty table. Sitting down, she said, "He's having a therapy session right now, but I figured we could buy tickets once he's done."
"Don't bother," Will said, "I've got some right here."
"You don't-"
"It's done."
Hailey sighed and rubbed her hand over her face. "Will-"
"He's my brother; I want him home."
A smile flickered across Hailey's face as she looked down at the table. Swirling her finger across the smooth surface, she said quietly, "He'll appreciate that. I appreciate that. Thank you."
"You're welcome."
Hailey sniffled slightly then took a deep breath.
She hadn't spoken to Will too much after Jay's departure, and it'd been something she regretted. She was friends with her brother-in-law, but there was something haunting about being around him when she felt like she'd failed him by letting Jay go to Bolivia that she couldn't quite swallow. He'd been the one to reach out to her and check-in occasionally, and yet she still hadn't been able to find it within herself to spend longer than fifteen minutes at a time talking to him. He'd been nice when she didn't think she deserved it.
Maybe that'd been wrong of her to assume.
"I'll pick you two up too, okay? I'll send you all the flight info. He's still pretty stiff, right? Should I grab a handicap pass from the hospital for the parking lot?"
She wanted to argue with him – tell him not to pick them up, that Uber would be fine, or even that Jay would absolutely hate having to get in a car in a handicapped spot – but she was also tired. As much as she knew that the majority of not just Jay's recovery, but of her own as well was going to have to be between the two of them, she couldn't deny that she wanted help. If she hadn't had help over a week before from Trudy, she might not even be here right now – or, at least, it would have taken her much longer than a few hours to arrive, and she'd probably be sleeping on Jay's floor instead of the warm bed in the Fisher House.
Plus, it was Will. He was Jay's brother. He should be allowed to offer help.
"Um, yeah, he's hurting still. The burns have really tightened up his skin making it hard for his left leg to really get going. Handicapped spot would probably be a good idea," she finally answered softly.
"All right, I'll see what I can do," Will replied, "And I've taken off the entire day, too, so I can help you get him settled in the apartment. Should I get a wheelchair for you two?"
"That might be pushing it," she said, "He hasn't exactly been thrilled to take the wheelchair down to the physical therapy appointments here. Having to ride in one in our apartment building where people he knows might see him? You're asking for a miracle, Will."
Will laughed and said, "Yeah, maybe. I'm guessing the walker's out of the question?"
"He'll punch you in the face," she replied with a smile.
Again, Will chuckled and said quietly, "I don't doubt that. I'd probably deserve it."
At that, the smile fell from Hailey's face and she scrunched her nose. "What do you mean?" she asked softly.
Will let out a long sigh then said, "I don't know, I guess…I guess I've felt a little guilty for a while now. Like I should have noticed last summer that he wasn't okay. Maybe if I'd called him more or-"
"You're blaming yourself?"
She couldn't believe her ears. Will was stupid to think any of this was his fault. She was Jay's wife. She lived with him. She worked with him. She'd been there first hand as he seemed to deteriorate in front of her. She'd been the one who was too late in saying anything to him about what was happening. All of this was on her. Will had nothing to do with it.
"I don't know if I'm completely to blame per say," Will said, "But I wish I would have said something sooner than later. He's my brother; I should have known he was having a hard time."
"I…Will." Hailey shook her head and ran a hand through her hair. "This is on me, and-"
"Whoa, hey, Hailey, no. No, no, this is not on you. Jay made his choices both before he left for Bolivia, and he made his choices once he was there. I do not blame you at all for what happened, I swear to you. I think what it comes down to is that he was struggling, we both noticed something was off, but we didn't realize how bad it was until he was gone. Maybe we should have talked about this sooner, but I do not blame you, Hailey. I promise. Do you blame me?"
"Of course not, but-"
"No. No buts. I'm calling it now. We can each take one percent of the blame for Jay leaving, he takes the other ninety-eight percent. Deal?"
Hailey smiled slightly and looked around the cafeteria. She could think of a few more people they could add to the blame game, but she also knew that wasn't the point of what Will was saying. Jay's choice had been an individual one – it's why she was so angry and upset at him in the first place. She hadn't had a part in the decision. No one had. A gun had not been held to his head and no one had said he needed to move to Bolivia. Jay had made that choice on his own.
His brother and wife couldn't have stopped him.
They knew that. They'd tried.
So she nodded to herself and said softly, "Deal."
In a way, a weight was lifted from her shoulders the second she'd said that one word. For months, she'd held back from Will and her friends and maybe even herself because she was putting some of the blame upon herself for Jay's absence. She was carrying the guilt that they'd all lost a piece of their hearts because she hadn't been strong enough to stand up to him and her own fears and force him to talk, to share with her what was wrong.
She needed someone from a similar position with a similar love for Jay to tell her she was wrong. To snap her out of this haze that she'd been in for months. To tell her it was okay to breathe and be sad without feeling like she'd done something wrong.
She hated that it took this long to hear it, but she recognized she could have heard it sooner if they had had the conversation within the last few months like Will had said. It was just another thing they were going to have to accept had happened.
"Thank you," she added under her breath, "Thank you for the plane tickets and the ride home and…and this. Thank you."
"Any time, okay?" Will replied, "We haven't exactly had a great start to the whole in-law thing, but maybe that can change. I can hang out more at your place since Jay will be there more and we can do stuff to piss him off. Welcome him home by a friendly little prank war maybe? Or I could tell you more embarrassing stories from his childhood? Did I ever tell you when he asked out a girl in my grade when we were in middle school?"
Hailey laughed and nodded. "I'd like that. Weekly dinners?"
"You've got it," Will chuckled.
Before she could suggest a meal they could share together, her phone buzzed again in her hand, and she glanced down at it to see a text from Jay.
~ All done. Did you get that cookie? Is it as sweet as you? ~
She smiled to herself as she felt a blush rise in her cheeks. They were never the super cute, pick-up-line couple, but they both knew when the other needed it most. This was one of those times where Jay could tell, even when separated by floors in a hospital, that she needed a smile and a cheesy line to get her through the day.
~ Be up there soon. Didn't have a bite yet, been talking to your brother. Don't go anywhere ;) ~
Slowly over the past week, they'd been working on normalizing Jay's situation. He couldn't go far without help and struggled greatly to get his shirt on both arms by himself, and it wasn't exactly changing any time soon, so they started making small jokes in an attempt to lighten the mood. There was a fine line between knowing when either of them could handle the teasing and knowing when it was going to hit too close to home.
Jay's text that included a picture of his legs resting atop his hospital bed paired with the words "Wouldn't dream of it. I've got a hot date coming up here soon AND she's bringing me a snack" told her that now was one of the times that joking allowed. She was rather grateful for that.
"Hey, Will?" she said through her silent laughter, "Your brother's been released from the torture that was his therapy, and I need to bring him a cookie. Can I call you later?"
Will laughed on the other end of the phone and said, "Go for it. Talk to you soon."
"See ya."
Hanging up the phone, she stood with a deep breath, shaking her head and still smiling to herself.
She felt better.
Not great. Not healed. But better.
She wasn't alone, and that was all she'd been needing.
"So, you gonna tell me what you were talking to Will about?" Jay said once he finished the last bite of his cookie.
Hailey laughed softly and took a sip of her water. Shifting on his bed at his feet, she said, "He bought us plane tickets and will be picking us up tomorrow at the airport."
Jay raised an eyebrow and stared at her for a moment before saying, "No."
"Jay," she sighed, "Yes. That's not – it's not a discussion. Trust me, I tried."
"I don't want a big deal out of any of this," he replied quickly, "I…this is…" He trailed off, shaking his head as he looked away from her.
She waited a beat for him to say anything before sighing again and gently shaking his foot. "Talk to me," she said softly.
He shook his head again and kept his gaze trained on the window.
"Jay."
Sitting up on her knees, she carefully crawled further up the bed between his legs to set her hands on the sides of his face.
"Hey," she whispered once he finally looked at her, "Talk to me."
He shrugged and bit his lip.
Brushing her thumb over his cheek, she said, "He loves you. He understands that you got hurt. He just wants to help."
"Yeah, but…"
Looking in his eyes, she knew she needed to wait. There was something bothering him, and a part of her suspected what it could be, but she wanted to hear it from him. She wanted him to say it out loud so they could work through whatever it was together.
She tried smiling at him then kissed his nose finally earning a smile to cross his face.
He reached up with his right hand to brush the backs of his fingers along her cheek. "You're pretty great," he said quietly.
"I try," she replied.
He chuckled then wrapped his arm around her to tug her closer.
"Careful, careful," she said as he pulled her against his chest.
He sucked in a breath once she got closer then said, "I'm good, it's okay."
"Are you?" she asked.
"Shut up and let me hug you."
She let out a soft laugh and closed her eyes. They'd yet to figure this out. Most times he hugged her, it was from the side when she sat to his right on the bed. She'd been too scared to hurt him to even attempt getting anywhere near his chest or left arm, but now that she was here and feeling his heartbeat against her cheek, it felt like home.
His hand came up to drag through her hair as he quietly admitted, "I'm scared of Chicago, you know that. I just don't…I don't know how I'm supposed to face everyone. I'm well aware that I need to get yelled at – especially from you and Will."
Her eyes widened and she quickly sat up. "Jay-"
"Don't, Hailey," he interrupted, "You have every right to be pissed. I'm sure you were and just haven't said anything since I've been gone and definitely not since you got here. It's coming, and just because I know that and know that I deserve it, it doesn't mean I'm ready to hear it. I panicked a few months back, and we all suffered because of it. I'm not an idiot. It's why I didn't want you here for my last session. I needed to ask for help on how to apologize without completely losing my mind."
Hailey chewed her bottom lip as he talked. She had been pissed. She was angry and upset at his choice to make such a big decision without her. It hadn't been fair. It didn't matter if he was leaving to become better for the both of them – he still left. Even with talking every few days and texting whenever they could, it had not been the same as having him there at her side. Her life had fallen apart without him, and it'd been painful.
So she did want to yell. She wanted to cry and scream and get him to come to his senses that he'd made an incredibly stupid, selfish decision.
But she also knew where they were and what was important.
He was right: it was going to happen in Chicago.
He had every right to be scared.
Taking a deep breath, she sat back on her heels and tucked her hair behind her ear. She nodded to herself then said, "You're right: I would like to yell at you, and I'm not going to do it here. It's not important right now, but it's also not going to be important tomorrow when we're back home. We're going to have that conversation. We're going to talk about what had happened between us, but we're not doing it when you're still adjusting to…to this. I guarantee you that Will feels the same way. I want to hear your apology, trust me, but I want you home more than that. I want to talk without nurses walking in here every twenty minutes and also without you wincing in pain whenever you have to move your arm. Do you understand?"
It was a balancing act. None of this was meant to happen overnight. They both had five months to think about his decision and what it'd done to their marriage. It was a conversation that needed to be done in more than five minutes. There was no quick fix to it. Right now, waiting was a band-aid. They were trying to survive and get home. They couldn't drag up old wounds and hurt the other when they had no where to go in case they needed space, and she knew they were going to need space to process whatever conversation they were going to have. She wasn't exactly looking forward to it no matter how necessary it was.
To her surprise, Jay nodded slightly and whispered, "I understand, but…can…can I just tell you…you know I love you, right?"
"Jay," she breathed. Nodding back, she said, "Of course I do. And I love you."
He smiled then looked down at his hands. Taking a deep breath, he said, "Thank you."
She reached out to brush her thumb over his bottom lip. "Don't thank me for loving you," she said softly.
He raised an eyebrow while looking up at her. Opening his mouth to reply, he then sighed and said, "At home."
She nodded. "Home," she repeated, "We'll figure it out at home. And we'll be there soon, so what do we need to do now? I brought that bag to start cleaning up some of your stuff, should we start there? Then we can talk about the plane logistics. Will's going to send me all the ticket details, but would you like the window seat or the aisle? Let's pray he got us one of the comfort seats."
Getting off the bed, she quickly blinked her eyes against the few tears that had formed while he quietly replied to her questions. She could barely even hear him as she started putting his few pairs of pants that he'd worn and any socks and boxers into her duffle bag.
Loving him was easy, but admitting she loved him years before had not been. She'd been honest about being scared and messing something up. He'd tried teaching her that she wasn't going to ruin their relationship only for him to then leave her alone despite all her fears.
He should thank her for loving him. He'd dragged her through hell and back, and she hadn't given up even when it maybe would have been easier to do so. It wasn't easy, but it was her life, and she powered through. She didn't regret a second of it even if it made her want to tear her hair out at times.
But she couldn't think about all of the pain right now. Not when she was trying to get them home in one piece with all of their belongings that Jay somehow managed to spread throughout his entire hospital room despite being basically bed-ridden for the last week.
Swallowing her tears and fears about what was to come, she absentmindedly folded the same pair of sweatpants at least four times and forced herself to continuously count backwards from ten. If she calmed down, she could forget that she too was scared of what was to come in Chicago.
That was something that wasn't going to be easy either.
Leaving the hospital that night proved not to be easy as well.
She'd been about to leave with the dufflebag and a goodnight kiss when Jay grabbed her shirt and asked if she really needed to go.
Raising an eyebrow, she lowered the bag to the floor and said, "I thought the rule was that I sleep in a bed each night."
Jay tried to smile and said, "Yeah, but…maybe you just stay a little longer. I'm really not that tired."
She laughed softly and perched on the edge of his bed. "I think you are," she said, "You didn't take a nap after that OT session earlier, and we both know you should have."
"I'm not a kid," Jay replied.
She glanced down at his grip on her shirt and asked, "You're not?"
Blushing, Jay loosened his hold then said, "I just thought we could watch a movie – one last time before we head back to Chicago."
She hummed softly in thought before saying, "We can watch movies at home, but-"
"Just stay, Hail, please," Jay whispered.
"What are you-"
"Hailey."
They fell silent in the hospital room with just the soft beeping filling the void. Staring at him, she saw it was more than just wanting one more movie night or to hang out in their little bubble one last time. It was a look she'd seen a handful of times in her life.
When they'd survived bullets raining down upon them in the back of a surveillance van.
When he'd been shoved in the back of an ambulance with a bullet lodged in his chest.
When they'd come home discussing Makayla getting kidnapped.
When he'd told her he didn't realize he could have any bias in him because of the war.
When she'd stared up at him from a hospital bed as it was declared she had a slight concussion from a car explosion.
He was scared.
She knew he'd told her earlier that he was scared of Chicago, but that'd been a small scared. A scared that didn't seem to seep into his bones. A flu shot scared.
This was bullets and emotional pain scared. This kind of scared couldn't be fixed by holding his hand or promising him anything he'd like upon getting home.
Without saying anything, she nodded and slipped her shoes off. She cleared her throat while settling back on the bed into his right side then set up her laptop on her lap.
"Comedy," Jay quietly suggested.
"You've got it," she breathed before logging back into their Netflix account.
Jay kissed the top of her head and breathed in. Just as the opening scene began on the screen, he murmured, "I love you," in her ear.
She looked up at him and made sure he was looking in her eyes when she replied, "I love you too, Jay. So much."
He finally let a genuine smile cross his face as he kissed her temple. Letting out a breath, he rested his head on top of hers and turned toward the movie leaving her to her thoughts and the quiet music.
She could pay no attention to it, though. She never liked when Jay's eyes were filled with fear, especially when it was something she didn't think she could easily fix. She didn't even know what was causing it and wasn't accepting Chicago as an answer.
But as his weight against her grew and she became more and more aware of him being asleep, she realized she sadly wasn't going to get the real answer tonight. It was going to have to wait until tomorrow, maybe even when they were on the plane or back in their apartment, so she waited until the credits played and she was one hundred percent sure Jay was asleep to slip out from the bed.
The night nurse, Derek, came in the room as she was slipping her shoes on and whispered, "Hey, you stayed late."
"Yeah," she breathed, "He asked that I stay." She straightened up and adjusted the blankets over Jay.
"Last night jitters are normal," Derek said softly, stepping over to lay the bed back, "He's got a lot going on, and so do you, so go back to the house and get some sleep. I'll be here if he needs anything at all or if something comes up."
Hailey nodded. "Thank you. He, um, I think it's more than jitters. He's scared. If he gets nightmares, cold water usually helps. Make sure he holds the glass, and it should be a glass, the condensation will help, like cold, cold water too."
Derek shot her a smile then said, "Thank you. Try to get some sleep. Big day tomorrow."
Hailey nodded again and looked down at Jay. "You too, big guy," she whispered. Leaning down, she placed a quick kiss to his forehead before picking up the dufflebag and tucking her laptop under her arm.
Derek squeezed her arm as she walked past him out the door where she blinked quickly at the few lights lighting the hallway. She took a deep breath then made her way to the elevator.
She needed to admit to herself that her own thoughts revolving around Jay were more than jitters as well. Like him, she was scared. However, she knew she was scared of what was to come. There was something about the way Jay had made her stay longer than she usually did that didn't sit right with her. She wasn't looking forward to what exactly any of that meant. Yes, he'd been outright with her and said he was scared of Chicago, but she still wasn't accepting that that was the only thing he was worrying about.
It was all she could think about the entire ride back to the house. Their flight wasn't until 1pm, so they were going to have some time in the airport before officially taking off, and she wasn't sure if bringing any of their fears up there would be productive. There'd be people around, and neither of them was huge on showing strong emotions in front of others. Even when she'd dropped him off at the airport five months before, she'd stayed in the car in an attempt to hide her own tears while he'd asked for space so he wouldn't get overly emotional either. They were a mess in their own ways.
Staring up at her ceiling late in the night, she felt hot tears fall down her cheeks at the memory. It was in the past and long gone, but Jay's face as he said goodbye in her Jeep had been burned in her mind, and she hated reliving it. She had a feeling it was going to continue creeping up on her as they sat in the airport together just like it'd done when she'd been alone the week before in Chicago.
It was a nightmare she couldn't wake up from.
What she did wake up from was her phone ringing at an ungodly hour. It jerked her awake and scared her from the coma-like sleep she'd been in.
Her screen glared at her through the pitch black - the numbers 3:07 burning her eyes right above Jay's picture.
"Jay?" she croaked upon pressing the speaker phone button.
"Where are you?"
She rubbed her eyes and pushed up on the bed. "My room in the Fisher House. I was sleeping."
"Okay, um, okay."
Through the phone, she could hear him breathing hard before he sniffled and the sheets rustled. He mumbled to himself something she couldn't quite understand through the phone.
"Jay?" she repeated, "Did you-"
"Yeah, yeah, it's…I'm really hot."
Hailey nodded and quickly blinked her eyes against the sleep. "Press the call button. I talked to Derek before I left. He'll get you some water."
"I don't…I don't know where it is."
"We've been putting it on your side table, remember? White remote with the button in the middle," she explained, already swinging her feet out of bed.
"I don't see it. I don't-"
"Jay?"
Derek's voice on the other end of the phone stopped Hailey from standing up. She bit her lip and dug her fingers into her sheets.
"I need water," Jay said.
"Yeah, Hailey told me you might. I brought some for you. There you go. You're okay. I'm gonna take a look at some of the monitors while you're doing that, okay?"
Hailey closed her eyes as she listened to Jay set the phone down and drink the water. Through the phone, she could tell he was chugging it as fast as he possibly could. She'd seen him do it enough times to know that he was getting the water all down his chin and front as he tried quenching his thirst and whatever fear he'd just experienced in his head.
Her feet swung against the ground. She wanted to go over there right now, but she didn't know if it'd be the best choice for all of them at the moment.
"All right, let's get some oxygen on you. You're fine. It's nothing bad. Just want to help you calm down."
"Hailey-"
"I'm right here, Jay, I'm here," she said through sudden tears, "Do what he says. I'm not hanging up on you. I'm here."
"Okay," Jay whispered.
Hailey wiped her eyes and breathed in slowly as she listened to Derek coach Jay through taking several deep breaths over the phone. She slowly pulled her feet back up on the bed and laid down, tucking her blankets tightly around her.
Over the past eight days, she'd felt helpless several times, but none as badly as right now. She was so used to getting out of bed the second she knew Jay needed her to grab him water or get him to fully wake up and realize where he was that not being there with him felt wrong. It hurt her to think that this wasn't the first time he'd experienced a nightmare without her. She knew how badly she'd needed him over the past five months whenever the ghosts of her past and the fears of her future creeped within her mind. None of it was fair. The only thing now, though, that comforted her was that they could be on the phone together as he calmed down. Being able to listen to him breathe in the oxygen placed over his face, even if it was through her speaker, allowed her to find her own air and breathe through any of her own fears too.
She remained quiet, though, until she heard Derek take the oxygen away from Jay and give him a pill. Once she knew Jay had taken it, she said softly, "I'm still here. Do you need to talk?"
"No, no, I…I just wish you were here."
Hailey frowned and pressed her pillow into her mouth before whispering, "I wish I was too."
Jay sniffled on the other side then mumbled something she couldn't quite hear.
"Yeah?" she breathed, "What was that?"
"Just…just saying thanks to Derek. He left." He paused to take a deep breath and cough slightly before adding, "God, I hate this so much. I hate it, Hailey, I absolutely hate it. I feel so…I hate it."
She wiped her eyes and knew exactly what he was trying to say. Frowning, she gently replied, "You're not weak."
"Feel like it."
She would have given everything she possibly could to teleport to his hospital room right then and there. He hated feeling weak, and she hated that he felt like he was. It was a nasty, double-edged sword.
"Jay Halstead, you are not weak."
"I just…Hailey, I had a damn panic attack and nightmare over the thought of getting back on a plane and had to have some nurse give me anxiety meds like a dog afraid of car rides just to get me to go back to sleep. What the hell am I if I'm not weak?"
And it fell into place.
Hailey closed her eyes while rolling onto her back and slowly breathed in.
He was nervous for the same reason she was: he was going to relive the last time he'd been on a plane. Of course, his last plane ride had been much worse than hers, but she at least understood where he was coming from.
One thing was going to be different for both of them this time, though: they were going to be together.
Opening her eyes to stare up at the ceiling, she slowly stated, "You are my husband and the love of my life. We've been reminding each other that for months now, right? You cannot ever forget that. You are my husband, and I love you. You have gone through hell and back multiple times now. None of that makes you weak. It does not make you a victim. It makes you strong. I have watched you fight every day for the past week to get better, and now we're going home tomorrow. Believe in yourself, okay? I do."
There was a beat then Jay breathed in shakily. Clearing his throat, he said quietly, "You believe in yourself?"
She let out a weak laugh and shook her head. "I believe in you, husband."
He chuckled. "Thanks for the clarification, but I'd like to say that I do believe in you, wife."
Hailey smiled and wiped her fingers under her eyes. "Thank you," she said softly, "And do you believe in yourself?"
"In me? I…I think I have to, don't I?"
Nodding, she whispered, "Yeah."
"I believe…I believe I'll get home tomorrow because you'll be there. You'll be with me on the plane." He stopped to yawn and made a quiet noise. "You'll be with me on the plane," he repeated quietly, "What the hell did he give me?"
"Close your eyes," she said softly.
"Can't."
"You can."
She listened as he shifted around and yawned again. There was a soft beeping in the background from his heart monitor, and she found comfort in knowing it wasn't racing as quickly as it had been earlier.
"You're gonna sit by me?"
"Nowhere else I'd rather be."
"You'll be on the plane."
"Sleep, Jay."
"No."
Hailey smiled and covered her mouth. "Babe," she began gently.
"This one of those fights you're gonna win?" Jay sleepily mumbled.
"Yeah, I think it is."
Jay groaned quietly, but she could have sworn she could hear a smile in the noise.
"Okay," he whispered, "Um…"
Tired as he might be, she knew he was going to fight tooth and nail against whatever melatonin was in that pill he'd taken in fear of what could come in the night. If they were at home, she knew she would have held him to her side and rubbed her hand over his back in a constant, slow motion until she was absolutely confident he'd been asleep for at least ten minutes; even then, she knew she wouldn't have stopped until she'd fallen asleep herself.
"I'll stay on the line until you fall asleep," she assured, "Close your eyes."
Jay took another deep breath then said, "My eyes are closed."
Hailey smiled and rolled onto her side. Setting her phone on her pillow, she kept her eyes trained on the screen as she listened to her husband, who was incredibly strong in her opinion, slowly fall asleep. Like he'd always done, he let out soft noises occasionally as he settled into the mattress. She would have loved to be right there next to him again to hear them against her skin.
But twenty-four hours. Less than that. She'd be back in bed with him in twenty-four hours.
They were almost there.
Hailey didn't know if it was customary, but it'd given her something to do that last day as Jay napped: she wrote thank you cards for all the nurses they'd encountered. As they left the hospital with Jay grumbling quietly because she completely agreed with Brianna that he needed to be in a wheelchair on the way out, she passed out the cards and gave hugs to each nurse she'd spent time with. She never wanted to be back in a hospital for more than a day, but if she had to, she wanted to be at one with nurses as nice as the ones there. They'd understood not only Jay, but her own feelings as well, and made the last ten days of her life bearable.
Part of her was going to miss it.
A bigger part of her, though, was nervous for what was to come, and it just increased when they got in the Uber for the airport. Jay struggled with his seatbelt around his arm and then even more with it pressing against his side. She thought they might have to call it quits, but then remembered that the seatbelt wasn't required during the entire flight and thought that maybe they could survive.
Once they were at the airport, they slowly made their way to wait outside their gate after checking their luggage. There was something haunting about watching her suitcase be placed next to Jay's army bag. He was never going to have to use it again, and a small part of it brought tears to her eyes. She hated that it seemed to remind him that he didn't have a job or even any prospects. Part of her wanted to burn that bag. It was a reminder of his fears and his past – the ugly parts of him that she knew he hated. She wanted to help him through it even if it was the last thing she did. It was everything she wanted for him.
Those ugly parts of him came up once he was sitting on the plane. He kept looking around and rubbing his hand over his leg as he took several deep breaths. It broke her heart, but it didn't scare her. She was ready and knew he needed everything she could give him in the moment.
So she grabbed his hand and began tracing the lines on his palm all while softly whispering how much she loved and cared for him. She reminded him that they were going to make it to Chicago and that they were together right now – the same exact thoughts she needed to tell herself all morning whenever she found herself worrying about the plane ride. She asked for a water for them both and encouraged him to take one of the pills he'd gotten at the hospital to ease his nerves.
The second he did, she smiled and ran her hand over his back. "We've got this," she whispered.
He couldn't quite smile back, and she knew it bothered him that he had to take another pill. She kissed his cheek and gently squeezed his hand in response – anything she could do to tell him it was fine. She wanted to keep reminding him that she didn't look down upon him for any of what he was going through right now. That was not what had upset her about him. It was his decisions months prior that hurt her.
She could care less if he needed something right now to get him through the plane ride. She'd known when getting into a relationship with him that there was PTSD within him, and she'd figured it'd come up again when he left in October. It was a part of him, and she accepted it – just like he'd accepted her own family trauma.
Neither of them were perfect people, but they'd found each other and found love within their partnership. It ran deeper than work – it was within their souls, and she needed to hang on to that partnership if she was going to get through the next phase of their lives.
It was going to be worth it.
She truly believed that.
Whether it was Jay's xanax or her words, she noticed that his leg stopped bouncing once they were in the air and officially heading back home. She hummed in quiet appreciation, but didn't stop her soft movements against his hand. As much as it could have been helping him, she knew it was helping her as well. She loved having Jay's hand back in hers and his skin warm against her own. It was everything she'd been needing last time she was on a plane.
They were back together.
Hopefully for good this time.
The plane ride didn't fly by like Hailey wished it would, but it did eventually come to an end. There were only so many games of hangman or tic-tac-toe they could play between any quiet stories they hadn't yet shared of the last five months. Still, they remained surface level and didn't touch any of the deeper issues and fears they'd had in their distance.
Thankfully, when they did touch down and return to O'Hare, both of them seemed to breathe easier. Hailey kept her hand on his back as they filed off the plane and made their way to the baggage claim.
"Where's Will?" Jay said quietly.
"He'll be here, don't worry," she replied. She quickly spotted his bag and her suitcase and hurried over to grab them.
"I'll help," Jay said and reached out.
Hailey shook off his hand and worked to grab his bag first. It was heavy, and she grunted while dropping it to the ground.
"Hailey," Jay said.
She followed her suitcase around then nabbed it off the belt. "Got it," she breathed.
"I can help," Jay repeated, "Let me drag yours along, at least. I can do that. That shouldn't be over the weight limit."
"Or I can."
They both turned to see Will standing nearby with a small smile on his face.
"Will," Jay whispered. He glanced back at Hailey before walking over and pulling his brother into a hug.
"Hey, little brother," Will said quietly. He didn't seem to know where to put his hands as he'd had Hailey show him over the phone all the scarring, burns, and cuts that'd littered Jay's skin.
"You're both overreacting," Jay had mumbled while Hailey circled him with her phone just for the both of them to tell him to shut up.
Now, Jay stepped back after a minute and smiled as best he could. "It's good to see you."
"You too," Will replied. He stepped around him to pick up Jay's bag and hoisted it over his shoulder. "Damn, what the hell's in here?"
"Everything," Jay sighed. He reached to grab the handle of Hailey's suitcase, but she slipped her hand in his grip instead.
"I've got it," she said softly. Rubbing her thumb over the back of his hand, she smiled and leaned closer to him to kiss his shoulder before they all started walking toward the exit together.
He chuckled and took a deep breath. "Feels good to be home."
"Not home yet," Will said, "But I did pick up a pizza on the way here that we can eat once we get there. Sound good?"
Jay nodded and said, "Yeah, actually, that sounds really good. I could use some real food."
"Hospital food just didn't cut it?" Hailey teased.
He laughed and said, "Sorry, no."
She laughed with him and squeezed his hand. "Might have to agree with you there. I got kind of sick of it."
"You were amazing, though," Jay replied, "I was very lucky to have you there, I don't know if I told you that, but I should have."
Will glanced over at them and added, "I'd like to say thank you as well. If anyone had to get stuck with my brother for eternity, I'm very glad it's you."
Blushing, Hailey smiled and looked down at her feet. They didn't need to thank her for anything. There truly wasn't anywhere else she would have wanted to be. Jay was everything to her.
He was worth the sore back from sleeping in the recliner and the quiet arguments over medication or therapy. She was exhausted after the last ten days of her life.
It almost made Will's eternity comment feel overwhelming.
When she'd married Jay, she completely and knowingly signed up for everything he had to offer. The good and the bad. The health and the struggles. He was hers, and she was his. Holding all of that up, though, was more difficult than she'd imagined.
In her defense, when they'd gotten married, never in her wildest dreams had she imagined that Jay would return to the military and then get medically discharged again. That was a bit more than she'd expected upon getting married, but it was something she'd needed to accept.
And it wasn't anywhere near done yet.
He was back in Chicago, but he also had medications to take to prevent infections and burns that she still needed to monitor and a sling still wrapped around his arm. He was still experiencing PTSD and had a hard time looking at himself in the mirror. He was not the same man she'd married, and yet she was ready to accept that now. She had no other choice.
Looking up at him as they left the airport, she did not for a second regret that. She loved him. His face was still healing, but his eyes and smile were the same as before. She could see it all as he talked about the flight with Will and asked him how long his anxiety pill would last. His voice had a life in it that he'd been lacking for at least the last twenty-four hours. His shoulders weren't as tight and, while he was still limping, he was moving a little lighter than back in the hospital.
However, she knew none of this was going to be easy. Loving him right now might have come naturally, but that didn't mean it wasn't going to have its challenges. He'd hurt her and broke some of the trust she had in him when he left. It was not going to change how she cared for him, but it was going to change how she looked at him – especially as he got better.
There was the whole conversation they'd said the day before that they needed to have. Until that happened, she felt like something was going to be missing from their relationship, and she wasn't exactly okay with that even if she was the one who said it needed to wait.
Really, all she wanted was for the last five months of their lives to disappear. She wanted to go back in time and prevent Jay from falling into Voight's trap – some hole that he'd fallen into after having fought for her to get away from him. She'd seen that it was happening, and didn't work against it until it was too late. She'd change that in a second if she could.
And yet she couldn't. All she could do was keep her hands on him as he got into Will's car to prevent him from hurting himself and then help him get his seatbelt on just like she'd done in the plane. This was what her life looked like right now. She'd accepted it.
Now it was time to live it.
A/N: Ready for Jay to be home? I know I am :) Let me know what you think! Talk to you soon!