A/N: Hi friends! Happy Monday! Thank you all again for sticking around for the past three years :) We're currently on a much angstier path than I've taken in the past, but we'll get through it. Promise, I swear.

Like Hailey expected, having Jay home wasn't as easy as she'd hoped it would be. Despite texts from the other commanders in Bolivia saying they'd look for the letters, Hailey could tell the fact that they were missing was looming over Jay.

Or, at least, something was looming over him.

He was off in a similar way that he'd been before he'd even left five months before. There was a light missing from his eyes and smile that she longed for. She wasn't asking for him to be the exact same person he'd been, but she did want to know his absence was worth something. He had to have gained something for being gone for so long. Something had to have made all the physical and emotional pain worth it.

It took him two full days before he even asked about their friends and mentioned he thought it was weird no one had texted him yet. It made her wonder if she should have told them it was okay to text him instead of relying on him to know when it was time.

In response to his comment, she'd placed a plate with a grilled ham sandwich and chips in front of him and asked if he'd wanted them to text him. It took him until he'd practically finished his sandwich to reply that he did.

So she suggested they invite everyone over for dinner that night, and it was the first time she saw an actual smile flicker across his face in days. It seemed to be a sense of normalcy that he'd been craving.

Hours later, though, when they were waiting for both the pizza and their friends to arrive, he started pacing the living room the best he could.

"Maybe this was a bad idea," he finally said two minutes before six o'clock, "Maybe they don't actually want to see me. Maybe I've hurt them too badly."

Hailey shook her head and pushed off the couch. "They just wanted to give you space. No one wanted to overwhelm you, I promise. They want to see you, but they wanted to do it on your terms."

Jay pursed his lips and looked at her.

He was hesitant, and she knew why.

He'd tried several times now to have the big conversation about what had happened between them regarding his going to Bolivia and her figuring out how to live without him. He was ready for the conversation.

She wasn't.

In the back of her head, she kept telling herself that he needed to heal more before they talked. She didn't truly believe that he was as ready as he implied.

He was too hungry.

He was too tired.

He was in too much pain.

He needed to start therapy first.

He needed his letters back.

She couldn't accept that she was wrong. She was trying to protect him, but maybe she was actually trying to protect herself. She didn't think she was really ready to have that conversation. She didn't want to dig up old wounds when he was literally covered in new ones.

She didn't want to hurt him even more.

Because that was what was going to happen: she knew her words would hurt him. She was going to openly tell him how much he'd hurt her by going to Bolivia without even considering her own feelings, and it wasn't going to be an easy pill for him to swallow. In hand, she could then finally tell him about her nightmares and how she'd slept in her car for close to a month just trying to solve a case. She'd stopped running and survived off fast food when he first left. He wasn't going to be happy about all the overtime she'd taken, and the memory of her uncle haunting her was going to be unsettling. All of it could be traced back to him leaving, and she didn't know if he was ready to acknowledge that.

She didn't know if she was ready to watch him acknowledge that.

So she pushed it off. She avoided the Big Conversation and encouraged lighter ones - even ones like right now about their friends.

"This isn't going to be a hashing up old problems dinner," she explained, "This is going to be our friends catching up with you because they missed you." Walking over to him, she gently placed a hand on the side of his neck and rubbed her thumb over his jaw. "Trust me," she whispered, "It's going to be a happy dinner. Pizza makes people happy."

He scoffed, but a laugh teased at the sound as he nodded against her. "Okay," he whispered.

A knock at the door caused them both to turn and look at it. Jay stiffened in her hold and took a step closer to her.

"It'll be fine," she said softly. To prove it to him, she reached up to kiss his cheek before stepping away from him and going to open the door.

Dante smiled at her and said, "Hey, welcome back."

"Thank you," she said as she let him in the apartment, "How have you been?"

"Good, thanks," he replied, "I think I saw Ruze driving up as I walked in."

"Great," she said softly, glancing over at Jay standing at the edge of the couch.

Dante followed her eyes, and his face broke into a smile. "Jay," he said.

"Hey," Jay replied quietly.

Dante crossed the room and shook his hand tightly. "Really glad you're back," he said, "And I'm really glad you're okay. We were pretty scared."

Jay relaxed slightly and said, "Thanks. I…I was kind of scared too, but Hailey…" He met her eyes and tilted his head to the side. "Hailey was great," he finished softly, "Couldn't have done it without her."

She smiled at him and took a deep breath.

It had been all she wanted while they were at Walter Reed. She wanted him to know that it was okay to be scared because he had her. She was the one who was going to handle everything – including his fears. It was what made getting over the fact that he was seemingly ready to have the big conversation even harder for her. She still felt like she needed to put on the front and be strong for him.

"Hailey's been great at work too," Dante said, glancing over at her, "I've learned a lot from her. Actually, I've learned a lot from everyone. Thank you."

Jay's eyes widened as he turned back toward him. "Thank me?" he asked, "I left you."

Dante shrugged and said, "But you still put me there. You believed in me. You gave me something I don't think I could have gotten on my own. Certainly wouldn't have tried had you not taken another chance on me. I appreciate it. Don't get me wrong, it sucked without you for a bit, but everything happens for a reason, right?"

Jay hesitated for a second and looked down at his feet. "Yeah," he finally whispered, "Guess it does."

Hailey frowned and rubbed her hand over the side of her leg. It felt hard to believe that Jay getting hurt had a reason to it, but then again, it did bring him home. Maybe he'd needed to come home sooner than he'd planned.

Maybe she'd needed him home sooner than later.

Maybe everyone else needed him home too.

There was another knock at the door, and, when she opened it, she was met with Kevin, Kim, Adam, and Makayla waiting in the hallway. She pasted a smile on her face and greeted, "Hello!"

"Where's he at?" Adam asked, stepping past her into the apartment, "I want to see him with my own two eyes before I believe that the real Jay Halstead is back in Chicago."

Jay laughed and stepped forward. "Hey, man."

Adam set a white pastry box on the counter then walked over to pull him into a hug. "Missed you," he said quietly, "Wasn't the same without you."

Hailey smiled slightly and looked down at the ground.

Everyone else did need Jay – just like she'd realized two weeks before. They all needed each other.

And now they could be whole again.

She stood off to the side as Kevin and Kim followed Adam's lead to hug Jay and greet him. She wasn't sure how she'd felt about the entire situation. Should she have texted them sooner? Should she have invited them over on Night Two or even One? There didn't seem to be a right answer.

"Do you have a rock?"

Hailey blinked and looked at Makayla. "What?" she asked softly.

Makayla raised her hand with the balloon in it and said, "I picked out a welcome home balloon for Uncle Jay, but I don't want it to fly away. What should I tie it to?"

"Oh," Hailey breathed, "Um, let's see."

As she turned toward the kitchen to find something, she heard Jay say, "You got me a balloon? Let me see that."

She turned back in time to see a smile spread across Makayla's face as she hurried over to him. Makayla visibly slowed down just a foot away from Jay and seemed unsure of what to do next.

"You won't hurt me," he said softly while sitting on the couch. He shifted himself so his right side was facing her and put his arm out, saying, "Come here."

"Welcome home," Makayla said as she hugged him.

"Thanks, kiddo," he breathed, tucking her head under his chin. He took a deep breath and rubbed his hand over her back before sitting back and saying, "So a balloon, huh?"

"She insisted we stop for one," Kim explained.

"Well, yeah, Uncle Jay got one for my birthday, remember?" Makayla said while passing over the balloon and jumping onto the couch next to him, "This can be a tradition."

Hailey smiled and wrapped her arms around herself. Just two weeks before Jay had left for Bolivia, when no one knew what was coming, Kim and Adam invited everyone over to their house for a small birthday party. There were a few girls there playing tag with her and making friendship bracelets, but it was otherwise mostly them sitting in the backyard watching her celebrate.

Things had been rocky between the two of them at the time, and yet things felt strangely normal that day. Jay hadn't snuck off to do anything with Voight and instead chose to make her breakfast in bed. He then sat at the island as she wrapped up the art set they'd gotten Makayla for her birthday and asked her about her own birthdays growing up. It'd all felt easy and like he was her husband again – not some guy that she lived with and never saw.

On their way to the party, Jay told her his mom used to buy balloons for every birthday he and Will had and then asked her to make a stop on the way to the party. He ran inside the dollar store and was out a moment later with a pink happy birthday balloon that brought a smile to her face. It simply increased when he handed it to Makayla at the house and told her all birthday kids deserve balloons. It was sweet and nothing like the Jay she'd been seeing over the past few months.

Even that night, when he'd joined her in the shower and then followed her to bed, she'd felt something resembling hope that their relationship was going to be okay. He was back to moving his body against hers and trailing his lips down her chest. He was hers again.

And then she woke up to an empty bed with nothing but a blanket on, and her heart had ached without him. Their day of normalcy was over. He was back to his new self.

That one day, though, was what kept her quiet for just another couple weeks. If he could randomly give her one day of normalcy, she believed he could do it again.

Now, she could only hope they could have something like that again. She didn't quite know if it was possible.

"I like that tradition," Jay said softly while looking at the balloon, "Balloons are happy things."

"And you're home, which is pretty much as happy as we can get, right?" Makayla said, "You and Aunt Hailey can come over our house again. Adam can make you his special pasta. It's not bad."

Adam laughed and reached over the couch to rub his hand over her hair. "My pasta is great," he corrected, "Uncle Jay and Aunt Hailey will love it."

"Sure," Kim said with a smile. She winked at him then settled onto the couch next to Makayla.

"Are you Italian?" Dante asked.

"No," Kevin answered before Adam could even open his mouth, "It's just this thing he learned to get girls."

"And it worked," Adam said, sending a wink in Kim's direction.

"Okay, sure," Jay chuckled. He tied the balloon from Makayla around the lamp then said, "Catch me up, Mak, what's been going on in your life?"

"Well, I started skating lessons," she said, "Can you skate?"

"I'm not bad at it," Jay replied, "What're you learning to skate for?"

"Hockey," Makayla answered.

"No way," Dante said, sitting on the edge of the steps, "That's pretty cool."

Makayla smiled and launched into telling everyone about the Blackhawks game Kim and Adam had just taken her too.

Hailey half-heartedly listened, lightly scratching her nails over her arm as she stood behind the couch. The normalcy of right now scared her after remembering Makayla's birthday. She didn't like the idea of everyone leaving and walls being put up between her and Jay again. All she wanted was their marriage back, and she wasn't quite sure that would ever come.

A final knock on the apartment door dragged her from her thoughts to go open it. She accepted the pizza and tipped the delivery guy before carrying it into the kitchen.

"Need help?" Kim asked as she walked over.

"Um, I don't think so," she answered softly.

She looked in the top box and smiled at the deep dish Jay had told her he'd been craving the week before in the hospital. They'd just finished their leftovers from dinner with Will on their first night home, but she didn't think too much pizza could ever be a bad thing – certainly not when Jay hadn't had it for so long. All she could hope for was that the pizza would bring a smile to his face and distract him from talking about things to come and their past pain. She just wanted him to focus on the present and catching up with his friends; he didn't need to keep asking her to talk about things she was scared of.

Kim nodded and leaned against the counter. She hummed under her breath for a moment then glanced over her shoulder and breathed, "He looks good."

Hailey made a quiet noise without looking up at her. "You could say that," she mumbled, "A lot of the…bad stuff is under his shirt. Left shoulder is pretty messed up too. You can barely see where the bullet even got him a few years ago."

Kim raised an eyebrow and said, "I forgot that's where he'd been shot."

"Mhmm," Hailey hummed, "The military officially let him go the morning after he woke up. He has nothing."

Kim froze slightly and whispered, "What?"

Hailey closed her eyes for a moment. It wasn't that she'd pictured telling Kim or anyone that fact tonight. She'd didn't even imagine she'd be the one who shared it. But she just felt angry and scared and upset, and she figured there was only so long that she could go with holding it in.

It slipped out, and now she regretted saying anything at all.

Shaking her head, she sighed and looked up to meet Kim's wide eyes. "It's nothing. Nevermind."

"No, no," Kim murmured, stepping closer to her, "What did you just say?"

Hailey pursed her lips then glanced over at Jay now talking to Dante on the couch. About a year before, he'd wanted so badly to be a positive influence on Dante and just to guide someone through the policing career. Now, that was over. He couldn't return to that career and continue what he'd started. It was done.

"He's done," she whispered, "Permanently discharged from the military. He has nothing because he…he doesn't think Voight, or just the department in general, will take him back. He's done."

"Oh my god," Kim sighed, "That's…wow."

Hailey hummed in agreement then turned to grab a beer from the new case she'd bought that day in preparation for everyone coming over. Opening the bottle, she took a long sip and tried to fight back the continuation of everything she was worried about. She didn't want to think about it all now – at least, she didn't think she wanted to think about it. Her subconscious seemed to be playing tricks on her and kept forcing the dark thoughts into her mind.

She hated it and worried about what that'd mean for the night. She didn't want to return to having nightmares about things to come. They'd just calmed down with having Jay home, she didn't need them to start back up again.

"Well, he…maybe Platt can get him something," Kim quietly suggested, "She was taken off the job before too – that's why she's the desk sergeant. Maybe Jay can be that too. He probably wouldn't be at the 21st like her, but it's something."

Hailey tried shooting her a smile. "Maybe," she replied, "Thank you. We'll see. I…I told him we're just going to focus on him healing right now. Let's try and do that too, okay? I don't want to talk about it right now."

Kim nodded quickly and reached forward to squeeze her elbow. "Not a problem," she said, "Whatever you want."

Hailey relaxed and took a breath. "Thank you."

"Yeah," Kim said softly. She watched Hailey pull out more napkins and plates then said, "Just know that when you're ready to talk about it, I'm here. Really." She sent one last smile toward her before walking back to the others and announcing the pizza was there.

It left Hailey alone for a minute to consider what she'd said. It was something everyone had offered at some point or another in the last five months, and she was now realizing that was not just going to end now that Jay was home. If she'd learned anything two weeks before at the bar, it was that she needed to rely on her friends more than she had. Even just letting out that one small worry, that one sentence about Jay's job, had felt not bad. There was something about letting that one weight off her shoulders – even if it had barely been lifted for just one minute – that was enough to convince her that perhaps her subconscious was right in forcing her to think about Jay and his job: she needed to share some of these thoughts so they wouldn't drown her.

Unfortunately, that meant that maybe Jay was right in wanting to talk about their relationship and all that had happened over the last five months: it was necessary and would make her feel better no matter how scared she was to hurt him.

She just had to accept that she wasn't ready no matter how much he was, and that was a hard pill to swallow.

As Jay came into the kitchen, he smiled at her and set a hand on her waist. "Looks delicious," he said softly.

She smiled back and nodded.

He didn't seem to notice her silence, though, and just rubbed his thumb over her hip before stepping behind Kevin to grab a plate.

Watching him slowly serve himself at the island alongside their friends, she hated that the calmness that was surrounding him probably wasn't going to last for long and was probably going to disappear the second everyone left. It wasn't that she planned on talking to him about their past that soon, but that she knew he was feeding off of this energy right now. She liked seeing him like this, and knowing it was soon coming to an end caused so many knots to form in her stomach that she couldn't even eat her pizza.

Their dinner conversation revolved around a lot of soft topics that added to the ache in Hailey's stomach. Like whenever they hung out with Makayla, no one brought up the darker parts of their jobs. This time, though, she had a feeling that it was also because of Jay.

Like her, everyone seemed to be treading lightly around Jay about work. While Kim was, assumingly, the only one who knew about Jay's employment – or lack-there-of – the others also avoided asking him about his plans going forward and what they were currently working on. Kevin talked about his dad coming back in his life and mentioned that he found out because of a case, but said nothing about the specifics that Jay surely would have loved before. Adam brought up the "bad guys" he seemed to have told Makayla about because she then jumped in to tell Jay that sometimes Adam had to leave at night to pretend and live somewhere else. It led to Jay asking her if Kim let her do anything Adam wouldn't and not ask Adam any further questions about the case. Dante's rookie training that he'd been attending was a topic of conversation for a while, but it was also what led a certain light to switch off from Jay's eyes after a few minutes.

Hailey knew he hated that he'd left when his personal recruit was so new in the field. The guilt that had been eating at his gut was rolling off of him, even coming out from his bouncing knee against hers so that Dante quickly caught on and changed the conversation to the beer he was drinking, saying it was good and something he'd never had before.

Everyone, including Jay, knew it was a lie.

Hailey couldn't stand it, but the truth of the matter was that everyone was going to tip-toe around Jay for a while – at least until they, and he, figured out what his future exactly was. She couldn't blame them for she was doing the exact same thing. It was unavoidable and part of her hated herself for doing it.

Jay's recovery itself wasn't really brought up until everyone was eating the 'Welcome Home!' cake Kim had brought, and Kevin was the one who was brave enough to say anything.

"You don't have to answer if you don't want to," he began, "But do you need our help getting to any sort of appointments coming up?"

Adam nodded and added, "We're all willing to help out."

Hailey stopped poking at her vanilla cake and looked over at Jay on the couch from her spot on the steps by Makayla.

He cleared his throat and said, "Um, I think I'll be okay. Thank you, though. Hailey, uh, Hailey will be around for another few days and then there's Will. You all don't need to take time off for me or anything like that."

"Would Trudy actually dock our time if we take a couple hours to drive you to Med?" Dante asked.

"Might dock you," Kim teased, "But do something nice and really get on her good side, and you could come out in tact."

"She likes me," Dante replied.

Adam chuckled and said, "We all know I'm her favorite."

"Now that's a lie," Kevin said.

Hailey would have loved to laugh and join in with them. She could have easily replied that she was Trudy's favorite – which she really did think could be true – or told Dante what wine to get Trudy to get on her good side, but nothing came out. She simply stared at Jay as he seemed to also debate saying anything.

She just had no energy. She didn't want to overstep. Like she'd already decided, she did need help from her friends, but she still didn't think she was quite ready to verbally admit it aloud yet.

Then again, she didn't know if she was ready to let go of taking care of Jay on her own yet either. She was still determined to take him to all of his appointments and drive him anywhere he needed. She knew her friends were not trying to replace her by any means, but she didn't want to feel like she was stepping away from Jay when he still needed her help.

On the other hand, she hated feeling like she even needed to call it 'taking care of' her husband. He was a grown man. He'd finally been able to get his shirt on by himself that morning – albeit with her watching and listening to him curse under his breath and gasp in pain every few seconds – and had gotten much faster at walking around despite the pain in his side. He just couldn't drive still, and that's where she, Will, and maybe eventually their friends came into play.

It was a tricky, complicated situation that she wasn't ready to let go of yet. She'd missed out on five months of their marriage, she was more than allowed to want to spend extra time with him.

It brought her back to the even more complicated fact that they had yet to have a real conversation about those five months. How they could spend true time together reconnecting without acknowledging their problems was a mystery to her. Again, none of it was fair.

"Are you happy Uncle Jay's home?"

Hailey blinked and looked down at Makayla's soft voice. "Sorry, what'd you say?"

Makayla put down her empty plate with a sigh and repeated, "Are you happy Uncle Jay's home?"

"Oh," Hailey breathed. She smiled and nodded. "I'm very happy," she said.

"Was it hard with him gone?" Makayla asked, "You love him, so that had to be pretty sad."

Hailey cleared her throat and pulled her feet up underneath her. She carefully debated her words before nodding and admitting, "It was hard because, yes, I do love him a lot. He's my husband, so I was really sad he was gone."

"Yeah," Makayla said quietly. She seemed to study Hailey for a moment then lightly placed her hand on hers and said, "I'm glad you can be happy again."

Hailey couldn't help her emotions and quickly pulled Makayla into a hug. Blinking past sudden tears in her eyes, she whispered, "Thank you."

Makayla squeezed her back and said, "You're welcome."

"You're a really big girl, you know that?" Hailey said softly as she sat back. She smiled slightly and tucked Makayla's hair behind her ear. "You're very smart and very kind. Your mom and Adam are very lucky to have you in their lives – we all are."

Makayla smiled back and said, "Thank you. I think you're really nice too. Did you hear Uncle Kevin say they can drive Uncle Jay? I can come help too."

"Oh, really?" Hailey asked with a soft laugh, "And what exactly are you going to do?"

"I can draw pictures, I can perform plays, I can even make cookies," Makayla said, "Those are all important things when you're trying to feel better."

Hailey let out a soft hum and said, "You're very right, and we do need to try and make Uncle Jay feel better."

"So just call me when you need me," Makayla said before picking up her cake again. She licked at the frosting on her fork and added, "Well, call Mom."

Hailey smiled and nodded. "I will keep that in mind." She looked back at Jay chewing his lip and shifting around on the couch. Taking a deep breath, she stood up to walk over to him and whisper, "What do you need?"

He shook his head and grabbed her hand. He tugged her onto the cushion next to him then whispered, "I'm fine."

She raised an eyebrow and squeezed his hand. "Telling the truth?"

He chuckled and said, "Who knows anymore. My shoulder hurts, but I'm glad my friends are here. Just wish it was under better circumstances."

"I know," she replied, "I…me too."

Jay gave her a sad smile before looking at everyone else. He cleared his throat and said, "Sorry, kind of zoned out. You were saying you're all Trudy's favorite? I think I have that in the bag."

"Now, don't apologize for zoning out," Kevin said, "But do apologize for that statement because there's no way that's true."

Jay laughed and said, "Should I lay out all my reasons?"

"Let's hear it, Halstead," Adam said with a smirk.

Jay shifted again on the couch, leaning into Hailey with a groan only she could hear, then launched into how he was convinced that Trudy preferred him over the rest. She knew most of what he was saying was rather exaggerated, but it made her smile and gave her something to think about rather than the fact that he'd been right: who really knew if they were fine? Neither of them was.

"I love our friends," Jay said through a yawn the second he closed the door behind them all, "But that was kind of exhausting."

Hailey laughed as she finished packing away the leftover cake in the fridge. Kim had insisted they keep the entire thing even though they all knew sweets were not Jay's favorite. He'd actually agreed, though, and said he'd keep it as long as he got to give two more slices to Makayla for the next few days.

There was something about that agreement that bothered Hailey, but she didn't want to admit it to anyone.

"You okay if I call it a night?" Jay asked as he walked over to her, "I know I had said this morning that we could finally have that talk tonight, but maybe we push it off until tomorrow. I want to be a hundred percent when we talk about us."

"Oh, um, yeah, of course," Hailey said quickly, "Whatever you need. We could even put it off for another day too."

Jay hesitated then put a hand on her hip. "Are you…Hailey, it seems like you're avoiding talking to me. I'm not just over-medicated, right?"

She sighed and turned to face him. "You're not over-medicated," she said, "You have to stop being scared of that."

"I'm not scared, I just don't love the idea of – don't change the subject," he said, "I want to talk about the last five months, and you don't for some reason."

"Of course I do," she replied, "But I don't want to do it when you're not a hundred percent. You just said the exact same thing. What's wrong with that?"

Jay pursed his lips and took a step back from her. "I've been telling you that I've been a hundred percent," he began slowly, "But you're the one who keeps saying I'm not. Why can't you trust me?"

Because you left me.

Because you went to Bolivia.

Because you resigned.

All without talking to me first.

She had a lot of things she could say back to that.

But none of them were things she really, actually wanted to say. They'd all hurt too much to verbalize.

"I trust you."

It was a lie, and they both knew it.

Jay sighed and looked away from her. As he began to walk toward their room, he paused for just a second and glanced over his shoulder. "I still know you. It might have been five months, but I still know you. I thought partners didn't lie to each other, and yet here you are: lying through your teeth."

He was in their room before she could even think of responding. The silence was deafening.

She blinked against sudden tears in her eyes and quickly grabbed a washcloth from the sink. Wiping it over the counter that'd already been cleaned, she sniffled and felt an anger begin to build in her gut.

"And I thought partners didn't do things without the other's permission first," she said rather loudly.

She threw the washcloth back in the sink and put her hands to her forehead just as she heard the bathroom door slam shut.

The reality was that they weren't partners anymore.

They hadn't been in a while.

A/N: Hold on to hope? It's all coming to a head, but stick around, it'll be okay :) Talk to you next week!