tw: mentions of alcohol abuse
Jay remained rather quiet when Hailey returned home each night for the first week.
He didn't outright ignore her as he accepted her hugs and support, but he still didn't ask about her day at work. He only gave her information when she asked for it and otherwise told her that he was fine. It threw her off every night.
During the day, she thought they were fine – great even. Jay's texts included emojis and sometimes he even sent her pictures of the food he managed to make himself with only one hand. He got really into oatmeal after making a mess with a couple eggs, so he sent her an update every morning with what he decided to add to what Hailey always figured to be a dull breakfast. It made her smile, though, and she even started showing anyone around in the bullpen what Jay made.
He seemed to be doing fine with therapy. At least, he told her it was going well. He showed up to each of his online appointments and even bought a small notebook so he could keep track of different thoughts he had throughout the day. He wasn't specific when telling Hailey what he should have been writing down within it, and she didn't want to overstep and force him to tell her. She was just glad he bought it as even an attempt at healing.
Will had been able to take Jay to the first physical therapy appointment he had while she was at work, but his second one was on Friday afternoon, and she was able to leave early to attend. At the appointment, she followed along as the therapist coached Jay through different exercises involving weights and small pieces of equipment. As he helped stretch out Jay's left side and worked on strengthening his arm, she made a list on her phone of some of the things she figured they could buy for practice at home. It wasn't anything big, but she didn't think exercise bands or stress balls would be that hard to find or even expensive to get.
After an hour, the therapist closed the curtains around a small area like a cubicle and left them on their own as Jay iced his shoulder and hip. Hailey pulled a chair closer to the table and took a deep breath. "That wasn't awful," she said quietly, "Do you feel okay?"
Jay shifted slightly on the table and said, "I don't know. It's not comfortable, but I'm going to tell myself that means it's working. The muscles aren't used to moving like this yet – it's going to hurt."
"Makes sense," she breathed. Leaning against the table, she rested her hand on his thigh and lightly drew patterns with her pointer finger over his joggers.
A smile finally crossed Jay's face, and he said, "I miss you."
She closed her eyes and held back a smirk. She knew exactly what he was talking about.
While they'd been sleeping in the same bed and had changed in front of each other a handful of times, they'd yet to actually have sex. She missed him too and longed to feel him move against her as he let out soft noises of appreciation in her ear. It'd been far too long, but she also knew it had been impossible: they went from living in different countries to living in a hospital to trying to survive with wounds to care for. While his skin was healing, she didn't feel comfortable with the idea of having sex with him. It had nothing to do with the scars and everything to do with the fear that she would hurt Jay while they were in bed. She didn't know if she could live with herself if they'd be in the middle of sex and needed to stop because he couldn't handle the way his skin or muscles stretched. Her needs and wants did not trump his own comfort.
Their hands had started wandering, though. Jay might not have been the most talkative once she got home from work, but he wasn't shy to holding her hand or letting his fingers drift over her waist. She enjoyed when they'd lay together on the couch and he would play with her hair. Sometimes he'd scratch lightly behind her ear or along her neck, and she'd close her eyes to relax against him. She almost wanted to accept the silence just so she could focus on how he made her feel.
But she knew it wasn't healthy and couldn't last forever. Silence was what got them in this mess in the first place, and she refused to let history repeat itself. And yet one week of silent reconnection didn't seem like the worst thing in the world.
"I miss you too," she said softly, flattening her palm to his thigh, "But I want you to get better before we do anything. I can't…I can't hurt you."
Jay pursed his lips for a moment then asked, "Physically or mentally?"
She glanced up at his eyes to ask, "What?"
"Do you want me physically or mentally better before we have sex?" he explained, "Because we both know there's a difference."
"Oh," she breathed, "I…I just meant physically. Should we-"
"No, no, that's what I was worried you were going to say," Jay said, "I…okay, maybe I'm not doing the best mentally, but I'm working on it, and that has to be worth something, don't you think?"
She softened and said, "Jay, of course it does. You have no idea how happy it makes me to know that you're working on yourself. You're not just dwelling on all the pain and sitting at home doing nothing. I'm proud of you."
A smile crossed his face, and he said, "Thank you."
"Of course."
Standing up so they were eye-level with each other, Hailey gently took his face in her hands and said, "I love you. You're trying, and that's really all that matters to me. I just want to see you attempt at getting better. I know it's going to take time, and I know we can't just put off our lives until you're feeling one hundred percent back to how you were years before. That's impossible. We've grown as people and as a couple. You're a different man now, that's okay. We just need to learn how to live this new life together."
Jay nodded in her hold then said, "I love you too. I – um – I'm sorry for…" He sighed and set his right hand on hers as he remained quiet in front of her. She let him have his moment as she watched him debate whatever he wanted to say before he nodded to himself and took a deep breath. "I needed to hear you say that, so thank you."
She smiled slightly and brushed her thumbs over his jaw. "You're very welcome," she said softly.
Jay nodded again and squeezed her wrist. Letting his hand trail up her arm, he said, "We'll get there. We need to."
"With time," she replied softly, "Everything will happen when it's meant to. I believe that."
Jay hummed in agreement then lightly tugged her arm. She smiled and leaned forward until her lips were pressed to his.
"I love you," Jay murmured against her, "I'm not going to give up for you."
She let out a soft breath and pressed her forehead to his. With her eyes closed, she thought over his choice of words. For you. Not on you or just at all. He wasn't going to give up for her. He was pushing forward with everything so that she could have some sort of comfort and life. She didn't mind it, but she also knew it shouldn't have been his only motivation. He needed to be doing this all for himself.
She brushed her thumbs over his jaw then kissed his nose. "Don't give up on yourself, Jay," she whispered, "Bet on you."
She could feel the muscles in his face twitch at her words, but she wasn't quite sure if he'd smiled or frowned, and she decided she didn't want to know. She hadn't said anything meant to bring any sort of emotion to him besides love. He needed to know that he was everything to her, and she was not going to give up on him.
His right hand came up again to brush along her side before bunching at the bottom of her shirt. He held on to her like she was his everything because she was. She knew that fact. He didn't have his job anymore and his family had grown incredibly small with just Will. While he loved his brother, she knew it wasn't the same right now. Things were bruised, and the two of them had yet to talk about the choices he'd made months before. They were taking baby steps together so that Jay could try and take strides with Hailey. Those strides might have been shaky and off-center, but they were slowly working. They were at least on the right path.
She gently comforted him, knowing their bubble was soon to come to an end when that curtain opened and the physical therapist returned. Until that happened, she held right back onto him for her own comfort. She missed talking about work and depending on each other for close to twenty-four hours a day, but this was the new normal.
And this was what she needed to accept.
She hadn't meant to get hurt at work. It was not the plan at all.
The man had just been running down Hubbard Street and there were a lot of people around. She hadn't been paying much attention to where she was going. She couldn't let him out of her sight. The patch of ice had blended right into the cement so that had she even been looking, she would have thought it was just wet.
Her foot flew out from underneath her the second it hit the ice, and, suddenly, she was staring up at the grey March sky.
The wind was knocked out of her the second her back hit the ground, but her gut told her she was otherwise fine. Her head told her she needed to keep running.
"Hey, hey, Torres and Kev are in the car, they'll get him. Stay still for a second."
Hailey closed her eyes at Adam's voice and his hand on her shoulder. "I'm fine," she said.
He snorted and said, "You took a nasty fall on the sidewalk. Humor me."
"You okay?" Kim asked as she haphazardly parked along the curb near them. Jumping out of her car, she added, "Did you call it in?"
Hailey shook her head and slowly sat up. "I'm fine," she said.
"Voight was right behind Torres and Kevin, but he called and told me you might-"
"I'm fine," Hailey repeated harshly.
Adam sat back slightly and Kim immediately closed her mouth.
Hailey breathed in slowly then gently said, "I'm okay. Thanks for the concern, but really, I'm okay. Just a fall. I'll have a bruise on my ass for the next week, but nothing's broken, and I don't think I hit my head."
Adam reached out and slipped his fingers under the edge of her beanie. She pursed her lips, but knew better than to fight him as he looked for a bump.
She was fine. There were worse things that could have happened to her.
"Let me at least help you up," Kim said.
Hailey softened and nodded, accepting her hand as she slowly stood. "Thank you," she said quietly.
Adam stood with her gun that'd slipped from her grip upon her fall and passed it back to her. "Kim, you know where they were heading?"
"I know the direction, but we'll need to check the exact location once we get going," Kim replied, already heading back into her car.
Adam nodded and quickly walked around to the passenger seat leaving Hailey to steady her breathing where she stood for just another second before hurrying into the car.
She really was fine. Bruises would heal.
She'd learned that enough over the past few weeks.
It was the mental stuff that took longer, and, thankfully, she wasn't feeling too off from that fall.
Just slightly embarrassed and pissed at losing the man who'd everyone been racing to find for the last two hours.
Falling on ice happened and was not the end of the world, but she really wished she wouldn't have done it.
Her fall cost the team another two hours.
The man, Kingston Farley, had managed to slip into an abandoned building near where she'd fallen and then proceeded to skip around as best he could until a couple called the police claiming they heard someone enter their apartment through a window in the bathroom. It'd led to a drawn out hostage situation that ended in his death.
While the rape victim could get some peace in the matter that the man who'd taken her innocence was gone for good, Hailey would have loved to put him in prison for years to come. They'd had him with DNA evidence. There was no denying what had happened. It would have been an easy case.
Death was not the justice she wanted.
She returned home that night with the weight of the case on her shoulders. All she needed was a long hot shower to rinse the blood, sweat, and tears from her skin.
Pulling her coat off, she sighed as she pushed open the apartment door. "Hello," she said quietly while walking in, "How was your day?"
Normally, she'd be met with a rather boring range of answers: "Good, thanks," "Fine. Do you feel like chicken parmesan?" "Not too bad. Just got home."
But this time she was met with silence.
Hailey glanced around the apartment as she hung her coat up and said, "Jay?"
There were two boxes of carryout on the island as if they'd just been set there moments before. Plates or glasses weren't out either. It was like Jay had just gotten the food and disappeared.
Hailey walked over to the bedroom, kicking her shoes off as she went. "Jay," she repeated, "Where-"
"Sorry."
She jumped as Jay stepped out of the bathroom in front of her. "Are you okay?" she asked.
"Yeah, yeah, just couldn't hear you. Hi," Jay said, quickly crossing the room to hug her to his side. Kissing the top of her head, he said, "Missed you."
"Yeah, but-"
Jay stepped back and rubbed a hand down her arm. "I got us takeout from this place Will told me about. Apparently it opened a couple months back while I was gone. I figured it was worth a try. Can't go wrong with Mexican, right?"
Hailey stared at him as he spoke. His quick voice and the red rims around his eyes worried her. His left hand was still supported by his sling, but was now tangled within his t-shirt as he gripped it as if to hide the way it shook from her.
"Are you okay?" she asked quietly.
"Yeah, I'm good, I'm great." He kissed her forehead then added, "You smell like fresh air. Need a shower before dinner?"
She blinked and slowly nodded. "I was-"
"I'll set the table."
He was gone before she could say anything that had happened that day at work, leaving a sinking feeling in her gut.
She sighed and shook her head. She would have loved to follow him out and see what was happening, but she really was tired and just wanted that shower. He clearly wasn't talking right now, anyways.
Grabbing out a pair of pajamas without a care for the time, Hailey walked into the bathroom and shut the door. As she shed her clothes, she watched herself in the mirror and tried spotting any bruises from her earlier fall. Nothing stood out to her, but the soreness radiating from her back told her that there was going to be something there when she woke up.
The hot water eased the ache deep in her muscles. Immediately, she could feel herself relaxing as steam began to swirl around her. She slowly breathed it all in until she felt like she could actually focus on something other than her long day and whatever Jay was going through, then finally began washing the day from her.
With her fingers combing through the shampoo in her hair, she began wishing for the day Jay could actually join her in here. Before, she'd said he needed to be physically okay, but now she was starting to think he needed to be mentally okay as well. If he couldn't even let her finish a sentence and was rushing through his words, let alone hiding the fact that he was upset over who-knows-what, she didn't think he was ready to sleep with her again.
Selfishly, she wanted all his attention in bed to be turned toward her. She didn't want him against her if his mind was elsewhere. She needed to set an expectation that she deserved the best. He'd always given it to her before, and she refused to settle for less.
From the very beginning, Jay's lips had remained busy whenever they were having sex. Whether he was kissing along her skin or whispering how beautiful she was in her ear, he was focused on her. There was once when he'd had a bad day at work and they'd then showered together that night, but she hadn't enjoyed it nearly as much as she should have. Something had felt off the entire time they were tangled up together, and she'd actually brought it up the next morning at breakfast. He had apologized and they'd made an agreement that sex couldn't be something they used to forget the reality of work or the negative aspects of the world: it was for them and showing that they loved each other.
Since then, he'd held up his end of the promise without blinking an eye. She'd wanted to comfort him after both his run-in with Knox and when he'd first met Dante, but he'd stopped her both times and asked that they just laid in bed together. She'd complied without question.
When it came to her, though, she could think of at least one time when she'd put her own anxieties to the side and had sex when she probably shouldn't have. It'd been exactly a week after she'd shot Roy, and her mind was still reeling. It was like she'd have one minute of peace, and then suddenly she'd remember what she'd done. All day, she could see his dead body flash before her eyes every time she blinked. She just wanted it to disappear.
She'd been in the middle of recounting the moment her gun went off, frozen in front of her dresser, when Jay came behind her and began kissing down her neck. Instantly, she closed her eyes at the feeling, but she was quickly shocked when the nightmare images didn't disappear. Jay was slipping his hands down her sides and under her shirt, and all she could see was Roy's dead body burned on the backs of her eyelids. No matter what Jay did or where his lips trailed, she could not get the image out of her mind.
That night, she'd laid awake next to Jay and watched his bare chest slowly rise and fall in the moonlight. He hadn't had any idea what she was going through in the moment, and something about it didn't feel right. He shouldn't have to have sex with someone who wasn't thinking about him at all no matter what he did. She genuinely felt bad for what she did to him.
It was why, right now, she didn't want to have sex with him if he had more going on than he was telling her. She wanted him to have a clear mind when they finally, truly reconnected in ways she'd only dreamed of over the last six months. He shouldn't have that same guilt she'd had. This was protecting him as much as it was protecting her. It was the right decision.
She didn't bother doing more than running a towel over her wet hair once she had her pajamas on. Upset and annoyed as she might have been at Jay, she really was hungry and wanted to see what he'd ordered the two of them from whatever restaurant Will had recommended.
"You look cozy," Jay said when he looked away from the TV.
She weakly smiled and nodded. "Figured there wasn't a point in getting actual clothes on when we'll go to bed in a couple hours."
"Course not," Jay replied. He pushed off the couch and led the way to the kitchen island where he'd set out plates, napkins, and silverware. "Smell good too."
"Oh, really?" she laughed softly, "Like what?"
"Like vanilla and cookies," Jay answered while reaching out to grab her waist. He tugged her into his side and kissed the top of her head again. "I like it," he murmured into her damp hair.
She hummed and gently hugged him back. "I'm glad," she said, "It's a new bottle of body wash, so I don't know if I really want to go out and buy a different one so soon anyway."
Jay laughed and squeezed her waist before stepping back to the fridge. "Beer?" he asked, "I got tacos and enchiladas for us."
"Uh, sure, I could use a beer," Hailey replied. She sat at the island and almost waited for him to ask her how her day was or at least why she said she needed one, but, instead, he just set two bottles on the island then walked over to sit next to her.
She raised an eyebrow at two things: the fact that he'd pulled two bottles out and the fact that it was not the brand they'd previously bought for when their friends had come over.
"Did you buy this today?" she asked.
Jay nodded and grabbed one of the bottles. Using his shirt, he opened it with a practiced ease and passed it over to her then grabbed the other and opened it as well. Before she could ask anything else, he was taking a long sip in front of her.
"Jay," she finally managed to whisper.
He hummed and set the bottle down. "Will said it was fine since I'm not on any of the heavy stuff anymore," he explained, "Just the occasional pain pill, and that's nothing crazy. He actually helped me pick out a case after my physical therapy session."
Still, Hailey stared at him: his words were not the comfort he had to have been thinking they were.
"Beer goes with tacos," he said as he opened the first box, "It's a thing. Beer and margaritas are taco drinks."
"That is not…Jay, you can't just-"
"It's fine, seriously."
Hailey pursed her lips and asked, "Okay, but why today? Did something happen?"
"Not necessarily, I just want one," Jay sighed.
Shaking her head, Hailey added, "I think we should-"
"I need a damn beer, Hailey, calm down."
Her eyes widened at Jay's voice, and she said, "Excuse me?"
Jay bit his lip and slowly closed the box again. "I'm sorry," he said quietly, "I didn't mean for it to come out like that."
"Well, it did," she snapped, "It very much came out like you were being a dick."
And suddenly, she wasn't 33 and married to her best friend.
She was 13 and listening to her mom and dad fight in the kitchen.
At the time, she'd panicked and ran upstairs to try and clear her mind. She didn't want to listen to her parents fight because a verbal fight always ended in a physical one. She didn't want to be anywhere near her dad when he started getting angry, especially when he was yelling about alcohol.
Now, she had nowhere to run. Not in the apartment, at least.
But, she also didn't really want to run. She wanted to stand up for herself in ways she could not have done in the past.
In ways that her uncle would have been proud of her for doing.
"You do not talk to me like that," she added, "The audacity of you. I cannot believe you just said that."
"I'm sorry," Jay tried desperately, "It just slipped."
"It just slipped," Hailey repeated, "Do you know how many times I've heard that before?"
If possible, Jay's face fell even more.
"I'm sorry," he whispered, "I wasn't thinking. I did not mean to come off like your dad or anyone else. That was not fair. I'm just…there's no excuse. I'm sorry."
Hailey pursed her lips and nodded, but still slipped off the bar stool. "Thank you," she said quietly.
Stepping back from the island, she suddenly wasn't hungry in the slightest. Instead, she felt sick to her stomach.
"What're you doing?" Jay asked.
"I'm going to bed."
She didn't wait for a response as she turned and made her way to their bedroom. It didn't matter that it was nearly 7pm or that she hadn't eaten dinner. She just needed to be alone again.
Her day was much too long and much too tiring to then come here and have someone not even ask about it. On top of that, to have her husband, who know all too well about her history with people drinking and fighting because of it, suddenly turn to alcohol after being denied it for weeks disgusted her. She couldn't even look at him any longer.
Crawling into bed, tears instantly came to her eyes, and her chest tightened so that she couldn't breathe. It was all too much to handle.
In her gut, she knew that Jay hadn't meant to be just like her dad, and yet that was exactly what he had done. He should have known better. He had known better in the past. The fact that he'd been so careless with his choice of words almost proved to her that they still were not perfectly imperfect like before. Despite their conversation the previous week, they still had several faults that were not just going to disappear.
Jay could still hurt her even if she'd forgiven him for going to Bolivia. He could still break her trust, and that terrified her. She wanted to believe in him again, but if he was going to throw around random comments about needing beer after everything they'd gone through, she knew it wasn't going to be an easy journey.
Eventually, her eyes burned from her excessive crying. She didn't know how much time had passed before she'd burnt herself out and laid spent on top of her pillow.
She sniffled as she slowly stretched out her curled up legs. A dull ache spread throughout her at the movement. She groaned and rolled onto her back.
It'd been months since she'd cried herself silly over Jay.
Well – months since she'd cried herself silly over Jay's choices, just a couple weeks since she'd last cried about Jay in general.
She hated that she'd cried over him so much within their first year and a half of marriage. She knew that marriage shouldn't involve that many tears.
But she'd made a pact with herself, and with Jay in a way, that divorce was not going to be on the table, yet here she was wondering if it was going to be the only option.
Jay wouldn't talk to her about her work day, remained quiet upon her return home, and was making comments about alcohol she hadn't heard since she lived with her parents. It was all testing her patience and ability to continue believing in love – even with how much she believed in herself. Ever since she started dating Jay, she wanted to convince herself that she was capable of having a true love story. It was something even Jay wanted to do, and he succeeded.
He had convinced her that she was capable of loving someone and having a happy life with them. He showed her that she was worthy of being loved, and she believed him. He molded her mind to believe that she was truly a good person who deserved to feel loved and appreciated and was able to show those same feelings to someone else. They built their own version of a love story, and she thought it was truly beautiful.
She didn't want to leave it in the past. She wanted it to last forever like they'd promised each other on their wedding day.
The only way she could see that happening, though, was confronting the issues head on. It's what they'd said they'd needed to do before, and she needed to keep that going. One fight could not be the end of their motivation to be better.
It was scary.
She still did not like the idea of hurting Jay by sharing her feelings, but she hated the idea even more of making herself miserable just to stay in this marriage. Marriage needed to be equal, and it needed to be worked on at all times. They could not stand to be stagnant. They needed to communicate in order to succeed.
So, slowly, she sat up with dried tears around her eyes and a swollen face. She needed to talk to Jay about what she was feeling. She could not just accept that this was how their marriage was going to go for the following days, weeks, months.
Before she could even get off the bed, though, Jay stepped in their bedroom and whispered, "Hey."
Hailey sniffled and replied, "Hi."
Jay wet his lips and took a deep breath, walking over to hesitantly sit at the end of their bed. "I…I'll be honest, I finished both beers."
Hailey closed her eyes and turned away from him.
Disappointed was an understatement.
Part of her had hoped that he would have dumped the two bottles or, at the very least, put them back in the fridge. There was no reason for him to be drinking alone. That was the last thing she wanted when he was recovering from-
Her heart stopped.
"I spent seven months doing nothing but drink, smoke, screw, fight."
She'd been sitting in a surveillance van when Jay had said those words to Camilla Vega. It'd been the start of his downfall and had shaken her to her core. She'd watched as he'd gone head first down a rabbit hole of PTSD and supported him as he'd climbed back out. She'd used tough love to pull him out, and she partly feared that she was going to have to do that again.
Turning back toward him, she said quietly, "You need to be honest with me right now. How many other beers did you have today?"
His face fell even more, and he chewed on his bottom lip for a moment before whispering, "Two – both before you got home."
Hailey nodded and said, "Thank you. Does Will know?"
"He was here when I had my first one. It was after physical therapy. We stopped at the store on the way home to buy it and then had one once he came here to drop me off."
"When did you have the second?"
"About five minutes after he left."
"Oh, Jay," Hailey breathed, closing her eyes again.
"I'm sorry, I am. I-"
"Don't."
She opened her eyes to see him sitting there in shock in front of her.
"Don't say anything else," she continued, "You can sit there and wait for me as I go get you water and some food. We're sobering you up and getting you in bed. We'll talk more tomorrow."
"Okay."
Jay's voice was so small and almost made her want to cry even more. Without him saying the words, she could tell he regretted what he'd done, and she was at least grateful that he'd been honest with her. If he was going to make dumb choices, the least he could do was own up to them.
Shaking her head, she got off the bed to head into the kitchen where she filled one of his water bottles and grabbed a bagel from their cupboard. She noticed that the tacos he'd gotten them for dinner remained untouched on the counter, so she slipped the takeout container in the refrigerator before returning to their room.
"I'm not drunk," Jay said quietly.
"I know, but you need to eat something."
With a sigh, Hailey settled on the bed next to him and held out the food and water. Jay didn't argue as he accepted it and began eating.
There was nothing satisfying about watching him eat. Hailey didn't feel better or like she'd won. She just felt sad. She hated that Jay had felt the need to even drink so much in the one day. Had he just had one bottle or even the one with Will and then one with her, she didn't think she would have been too bothered about it at all. Jay was an adult and deserved to have a beer now that he could.
She just didn't deserve to watch him fall down another rabbit hole while doing it.
She was scared this could lead to some sort of relapse. He was much too important to her to just let him figure out how to cope on his own. This time was meant to be different for him. He had her now. He was not alone, and she was determined to prove that to him.
There were healthier ways to deal with stress and anxiety than beer.
He could lean on her. He could talk to their friends. He could work out. He could go for a walk. He could read. He could do so much besides sitting in their apartment drinking beer on his own.
This needed to end now before it got to be too much.
"I'll contact your therapist and see if she can get you in tomorrow," Hailey said quietly once Jay was nearly finished with the bagel.
His eyes widened, and he choked out, "What? Hailey, it was just two-"
"It was four," she interrupted, "One with Will, one on your own, and two right now makes four. Sure, it was spread out and not enough to be falling to the floor drunk, but it's the start of a slope that I don't want you to go down."
She tilted her head to the side then shakily reached out to place a hand to his cheek. "You're, again, forgetting that I know you," she whispered, "I specifically remember listening to you while undercover talking about how much you'd struggled when you came home from the war last time. I refuse to let that happen to you again."
Jay finished chewing the bite he had in his mouth then reached over to place the bagel and his water on the nightstand. His pale face made his slowly reddening eyes stand out even more to her as he nodded.
"I'm not…I'm not mad, Jay," she said softly, "I am disappointed and scared, though. You know better. You've told me about how you and Mouse struggled when you came home and how you were the only person who was able to help him climb out of that hole. I'm thinking of him right now. What would he say if he knew you were drinking again to cope or that you at least started down that path again?"
Jay shrugged and rubbed his hand over his leg.
"Think about it," Hailey said as she stood up. She grabbed the nearly finished bagel and water and returned them to the kitchen. Leaning against the counter, she felt like she could get sick from the emotions swirling within her. She stared down at the sink and thought she was going to throw up.
None of this was how Jay's return home was supposed to go.
By the time Hailey had returned to the bedroom, Jay had made his way under the covers. He didn't smile when she walked in. Instead, he sighed and rubbed his hand over his face before looking away from her.
She shut off the lights then slid in the blankets next to him. Her muscles ached at the movement, but she too remained silent. While she'd come home wanting to decompress and share her disappointing day with Jay, doing so now felt like the wrong idea.
He hadn't seemed to care anyway, and he certainly didn't seem like he was in the right mindset right now to even listen to her. Sharing about her day could wait no matter how much it physically and mentally drained her.
"I'm sorry," Jay murmured.
"I know," she breathed while laying down.
Jay sniffled, letting out a sigh as he laid down as well. He worked to get comfortable for a moment before reaching out his right hand.
Hailey felt his fingers brush against her arm and closed her eyes.
His skin felt warm against hers.
She shifted within the blankets and turned her head away from him.
Jay let out a quiet grunt as he scooted closer to her and brushed his fingers against her elbow.
Goosebumps spread across her arm, but she still remained motionless next to him.
The backs of Jay's fingers dragged down her arm before settling next to her unmoving wrist.
Tears came to her eyes, so she squeezed them even tighter.
She didn't want to hold Jay's hand right now. She didn't even know if she wanted to be in the bed with him.
Him leaving had broke her.
His struggle to return to their life together was going to kill her.
A/N: Still a little bit of angst before the fluff comes, but we are almost there - promise :) Talk to you next week!