A/N: Hi hi! It's Monday and I'm back and I'm excited because some of this chapter just makes me happy and have lots of emotions, so I really hope you enjoy.
Jay stayed out of the district, and Hailey was fine with it. Normal couples didn't bring their partners to work; they could be like that. This was their chance to be normal. Hailey was a detective, and Jay was an instructor at the academy. For the first time in forever, they had separate paths that didn't need to cross. Hailey tried her hardest to believe that.
Then again, the district was Jay's home for so long, that it still felt incredibly weird to be in the bullpen without him. Hailey's friendship and partnership with him began in this small room at desks just inches apart from each other. Over the course of almost three years, they became so intertwined that there was no Jay without Hailey. They were a team.
Even when they started dating, they remained a solid team that could not be beat. Their relationship just worked. They worked. They could read each other's movements from as big as a certain hand gesture or wave to as small as an eye twitch. Hailey truly felt like she could read Jay's mind, and she knew that he felt the same about her. They became their own unit.
Losing him to Bolivia was gut wrenching, and Hailey never wanted to relive it. While she worked hard to grow and learn on her own, there was no doubt that Jay's absence affected her. The fire within her still sparked, but there were instances where it flickered or gave out because putting all the energy she had into a case instead of relying on Jay just a little bit completely wiped her of any extra emotions and feelings. In the back of her mind, she always pictured Jay would come back, and that seemed to keep her going at times.
She could get through one case without him, and that'd be one case closer to working with Jay again. Each stakeout without him was just one more day closer to him coming home. Late nights and early mornings and disarms and stacks of paperwork…all of it led to Jay returning to the bullpen.
But here she was, standing in front of the chalkboard, finally about to erase his name from the list of call-signs in Intelligence.
Hailey felt stupid for getting upset as she stared at Det. Halstead 5021 George written in white chalk. It'd been written years before after the board was redone upon Antonio's departure. It wasn't ever supposed to be erased for good.
The eraser shook in her hand as she attempted to steady herself and do what needed to be done. She just had to suck it up and erase his name. It was just his name. Jay was home, he was alive, he was doing well, he just wasn't in Intelligence anymore, and that was okay.
Hailey blinked her eyes quickly and raised her hand to finally swipe Jay's call-sign from the board.
"I didn't realize that was still there."
Hailey dropped the eraser and spun around to see Jay standing at the top of the stairs. He shot her a small smile and shoved his hands in his jeans pockets.
In a way, he looked like he didn't belong. He was wearing a newer pair of tennis shoes and a navy quarter zip he'd bought a couple weeks before, both of which most certainly would never have made it out into the field – they were much too nice to risk ripping or getting dirty. He stood awkwardly as if he didn't know exactly what to do, but Hailey wasn't sure if that was because of any residing nerves from being back in his old workplace or because she knew he'd spent that morning in the gym with his physical therapist and was sore from the workout.
"Hi," she said softly, "You…I wasn't expecting you to come here."
Jay nodded and stepped forward. "I was just getting my final stuff prepped for the academy and thought I'd stop by. You have your first appointment today; figured I could drive you."
"Oh."
Hailey wet her lips and rocked slightly to one side. It was true. Her first therapy appointment was at three, approximately an hour from now. There was no way Jay's appearance was a coincidence: he wanted to make sure she actually got to the appointment and didn't skip out on it.
Part of her was insulted he could have been implying that she wasn't going to show up. She could have sworn they'd gotten past that. Then again, after her breakfast with Kim about therapy, that didn't totally convince her on going, it took her another three days to actually make an appointment with a different therapist in that office. She couldn't completely blame Jay for double-checking that she was going to follow through with her plans.
Had he not shown up, she still would have gone – unless a case came in or Adam called with information about the Becks. The intent to go was there, but so was the intent to avoid it if she needed to. Her job was going to come first.
Just that thought, though, made something stir in Hailey's gut: that was the exact opposite of what she should be thinking. Over the past few years, work had come first for her on a number of occasions, and it never ended well when it came between her relationship with Jay whether they were friends or more. Even with Jay, he'd also put work first at times, and it never turned out well. She knew better.
She knew better, but she was scared, and she felt lost. While she knew it was a necessary step for her to take, that didn't mean it was one she was excited for. She was terrified about what she was going to learn about herself or reveal to a complete stranger, and if she could possibly push that off…
She hated that she considered it.
"You're still going, aren't you?" Jay asked quietly.
Hailey blinked quickly and nodded.
Jay raised an eyebrow, and a smirk crossed his face so briefly that Hailey thought she imagined it.
"What'd you say to me weeks ago?" he said while walking closer to her, "'I know you?' I'm pretty sure that was the wording."
Hailey let out a weak laugh. "Sounds familiar."
"Good," Jay replied, placing his hands on her waist, "So then you'll remember that it worked for me, right?"
"Did it?" Hailey countered.
Jay chuckled and shook his head. "It did. It at least got me thinking. You know me, just like I know you. Why are you scared?"
Hailey bit her lip. "Scared?"
"Hailey."
Jay's low voice slipped through her veins, and Hailey closed her eyes. She could argue with him; she could say that she wasn't scared and that he was just misreading her, but it'd be a complete lie.
"No one exactly likes being vulnerable in front of strangers, Jay," she murmured without opening her eyes, instead squeezing them shut even tighter as if to ease her fears and block out the real world.
He hummed and brushed his hand over her hip. "No," he breathed, "You're right, but this won't kill you. It might actually save you. It saved me, it's saving Kim, what's wrong with trying?"
Hailey let out a soft sigh and finally opened her eyes to see his bright green ones staring right at her. They pierced through her, but not in a way that shocked her: in a way that settled her nerves and allowed her lungs to relax inside her chest.
"Nothing."
Jay hummed and released her hip to place his hand on the side of her face. "It's terrifying to admit that you're not as strong as you thought you were, but that doesn't make you weak. It makes you brave, and, Hailey, you are so damn brave. Always have been. You can do this."
His gaze flickered behind her toward the chalkboard, and she had a feeling he was talking about more than just the therapy appointment that afternoon.
She was brave enough to step forward in her career without him. This was their time to break apart from each other and start their separate work lives. It did not make their relationship any less; it was just a new chapter – like everything else had been over the past few months. And she really was looking forward to bar nights after shifts and discussing their work day over dinner. It would bring some level of normalcy to their marriage that had not existed before, and she refused to make that a bad thing.
Everything was going up for them; she could not afford to think it wasn't.
Before anyone could walk in on them, Hailey pushed up to brush her lips over his cheek then stepped backwards. "Thank you," she said softly, "And thank you for coming. I guess I did need you to come here to make sure I went to the appointment."
Jay smiled back and nodded. "I'll always be here for you if you need me, even if you don't realize it yet. Always on your side."
Hailey laughed softly and walked over to pick up the eraser she'd dropped. Taking a deep breath, she turned back to the chalkboard and murmured, "Well, is it time?"
"Looks like it, huh?"
But it wasn't Jay who answered: it was Voight.
Hailey looked over her shoulder at him coming up the stairs. Chewing the inside of her lip, she turned toward Jay and waited for him to reply.
He cleared his throat and nodded. "I'm moving on, and it's okay. It's a good place for me."
"I couldn't agree more," Voight said. He seemed to study Jay for a moment before sticking his hand out toward him.
Jay smiled slightly in reply and grasped his hand.
"I'm proud of you," Voight continued once he'd dropped Jay's hand, "You're going to put a good spin on the department. We're going to get some good cops out of your leadership."
Hailey was surprised to feel a warmth spread through her that she wasn't expecting upon Jay and Voight's first real conversation since his return stateside, but she didn't hate it. She actually thought that Jay needed to hear it in this moment, that perhaps he wouldn't have been able to truly move on until he'd gotten the stamp of approval from his old boss.
In a way, that bothered her because she knew it was essentially because of Voight that her husband had gone off to Bolivia with little notice. He'd been sucked into Voight's world, his way of doing things, and needed that power to continue. Bolivia was his last chance to get out before anything else unspeakable occurred.
Then again, she knew what Voight had meant to Jay during the rest of his career in Intelligence. He'd looked up to him at times even if they had their disagreements. It was a type of relationship, maybe even mentorship, that she couldn't quite understand, but knew existed. For that, she did feel bad that Jay had to leave the place he'd felt safe at for so long. Voight was going to give the unit to Jay at some point in time; that intent didn't just disappear.
Jay would have been a good sergeant, a great one, one that eventually put Voight to shame for his misdoings over the years. It just wasn't in the cards for him, and they were getting to the point that they had accepted that was okay. He was going to be a leader in new ways, pointing dozens – perhaps hundreds – of future police officers in the right direction…in his direction.
"That means a lot, thank you," Jay said, "I appreciate it. I hope to continue making you proud, maybe I can even send a few guys your way eventually."
"Or girls," Kim said as she walked in with Kevin and Dante right behind her. She shot a wink toward Jay then sat in her desk chair.
He chuckled and nodded. "Or girls," he repeated, "I'll try to send you someone to replace me."
"Oh, come on," Kevin said as he leaned against his own desk, "We could never replace you. This place isn't going to be the same without you."
"That's for sure," Hailey said softly. She met Jay's eyes and tilted her head to the side, a small smile spreading across her lips.
"I know I can't replace you," Dante added, "But I'll do my best to follow in your footsteps. I won't let you down."
"I wouldn't doubt it," Jay replied. He reached over to shake his hand and smiled. "You know you can always call me if you need to, especially if any of them start giving you a hard time."
Hailey laughed and crossed her arms. "We would never."
"I'm insulted you'd think anything of the sort," Kim said with a smirk.
"I only made him wash my car that one time," Kevin said, chuckling beneath his breath.
At that, Dante laughed and said, "I would have done it, but definitely would have questioned it."
Voight laughed to himself and shook his head as he walked away, and Hailey felt herself breathe a sigh of relief: maybe there was tension beneath the entire conversation, but it was nothing extreme – it was all okay.
Jay was going to be okay.
"Well, I'll admit, Adam's gonna be mad that he missed it, but you should do it," Kim said.
Jay raised an eyebrow and asked, "Do what?"
"Erase your name," Kim said with a nod toward the board, "Unless Hailey is really dying to do it, I think it'd be nice if you're the one who takes your name off the list."
"I actually think that's a great idea," Hailey said softly. She held out the eraser toward Jay and added, "Full circle moment for you. Plus, I don't know if I'm strong enough to actually do it."
Jay shot her a sad smile before walking over to her. He accepted the eraser with a deep breath then stepped toward the chalkboard. Shaking his head slightly, he reached out to finally erase his name.
Tears stung Hailey's eyes, and her gut twisted. It was just his name and call sign, but it felt like so much more. It was his last lifeboat connecting him to Intelligence: the last sign that he really did work within these walls.
"It looks empty," Dante murmured.
Jay sniffled and nodded. "Kinda weird. Guess you'll have to rewrite it to make it a little neater."
"Do we have to?" Kim weakly asked.
Hailey glanced over at her and tried smiling. "It'll be okay," she whispered.
Because if Jay's name wasn't on that list anymore, that made her the top detective in the unit, and she knew she'd have to step up even more as a leader. She needed to be strong for them; she just didn't know if she'd be able to be strong enough for herself.
Jay's absence from the unit went from earth shattering silence to an explosion of fear in the span of a few short months. This was their chance to rebuild what'd been broken, and she needed to be at the head of it all. She could put her energy into picking up the pieces Jay left behind – she best knew where they fit anyways.
"It will be," Kevin agreed. He cleared his throat then said, "Besides, he's really not going anywhere. They never do." He pointed toward a faded pink flamingo nailed to the wall. "Pretty sure he was there for that raid."
Jay laughed softly and nodded. "I was." He gestured toward his desk and said, "Most of that was my grab as well."
"Exactly," Kevin said with a smile, "Man, you can leave the bullpen, but you can't ever truly leave Intelligence. You helped build this place, and none of us would be who we are without you."
"I'd be dead," Kim said under her breath.
"Walking the streets," Dante breathed.
Hailey made sure Jay was looking in her eyes as she said, "I'd be a bitchy, scorned detective in Robbery-Homicide."
He chuckled and walked over to wrap his arm around her shoulders, tugging her into his side. "You would not be," he said softly before kissing the top of her head.
"I wouldn't say bitchy," Kevin agreed, "You just knew what you wanted and weren't afraid to get it."
"Yeah, don't say bitchy," Kim said softly, a laugh teasing her voice, "You were the Platt of your unit."
Hailey finally let out a real laugh. "That might be a step too far."
"I could see it," Dante laughed.
Jay chuckled as well and rubbed his hand down her arm. "I won't argue, though, being in this unit and meeting you changed my life. Actually, meeting all of you changed my life."
"Even Adam?" Kim teased.
Jay laughed and nodded. "Even Adam. Once you guys wrap this case and we have a free night, we all need to get drinks again. If you'll still have me, of course."
Hailey shot him a smirk and raised an eyebrow. "Depends. Are you gonna send us some good recruits?"
Laughing again, Jay shoved her arm and said, "I will try my hardest."
"Hey, I think I turned out pretty good," Dante said.
"It's nowhere near a year since you officially joined," Kim laughed, "Slow your roll, but I'll admit, you were a damn good hire."
"Appreciate it," Dante chuckled.
Jay glanced at his watch then brushed his hand down Hailey's back so she looked up at him. Raising an eyebrow, he nodded toward the stairs.
She let out a breath and nodded back.
"Gotta go?" Kevin guessed.
"Yeah, we have an appointment to make," Jay answered.
Kim met Hailey's eyes and said softly, "It'll go okay."
Their conversation over breakfast had been beneficial: she'd given Hailey her the number to her office, they'd talked about a few of the things she'd learned during her sessions, and she even had a couple things to say about payment and insurance. Hailey left still feeling nervous about what was to come, but she at least knew that she had someone besides Jay in her corner. Kim assured her that therapy wouldn't be for nothing.
Talking to her reminded Hailey that she should not be ashamed of going to therapy. If Jay and Kim could both embrace it, then so should she.
So she nodded back at Kim and mouthed, 'Thank you.'
"Think we can leave her car here for a bit?" Jay asked.
"If anyone has a problem with it, I'll take care of it," Kevin said.
Hailey laughed softly and shook her head. "It'll all be fine. It won't be long. Probably an hour or so."
"However long it takes," Jay corrected, squeezing her to him.
"And a treat after," Kim said with a laugh.
Hailey smiled and nodded. "I can do that."
Jay chuckled and let her go so she could make her way to her desk for her keys and wallet. Hailey used the moment alone with her back to everyone else to take a breath and steady herself. There was absolutely no turning back now: Jay was here to drive her, Kim knew she was going, she'd agreed to do it. No matter how nervous or scared she was about being so vulnerable to someone else, she needed to take this step.
Like Jay had said: this wasn't just for him, this was for her. It was her future this was going to brighten, and she needed to take this chance.
It was the right choice.
Insomnia hit hard.
Jay fell asleep right before 10pm while Hailey was left staring at the ceiling for hours on end.
Her therapy appointment kept spinning around in her mind. Nothing was sitting still long enough for her to properly process all that had happened in the short forty-five minutes.
She'd barely known where to even start. Being asked what she would have liked to talk about had been too overwhelming that her therapist, a woman named Robin who was just a few years older than her, suggested they talk about the reason she was even there in the first place. It'd taken her breath away because she knew Jay was not the right answer.
If Hailey had to admit that she needed help, she wanted to at least do well at it. She knew there had to have been correct answers or at least things that Robin was looking for or expecting. Saying she was there because her husband was making her probably wasn't one of those correct answers, and yet she had nothing to replace it with. She'd sat there just thinking and wondering what to say.
Her abusive father?
Being abandoned by her husband?
Killing two people in the last year while at work?
Covering a murder?
Feeling betrayed by her husband?
Being a woman in a male dominated field?
Renewing her vows?
The fear that Jay was going to die?
Her uncle's death?
It was all too much.
She felt lost, and that didn't seem fair at all. She thought therapy was going to be a place for her to at least lay out all her thoughts, and, instead, she didn't even know what to lay out and in what order. It was all like a puzzle she couldn't solve. She had the pieces, but absolutely no clue on what was a corner piece or even if anything was missing.
She hated losing. This was not supposed to be what therapy was. It'd made her so overwhelmed that tears had sprung to her eyes and she'd had to continuously wipe at them in a weak attempt to hide her frustration.
Where therapy seemed to fix Jay and help put Kim together, it felt like it was breaking Hailey, and she didn't know how she was going to continue going.
But she still made another appointment. She was going to return the following week and keep at it in an attempt to eventually make progress. She needed to show Jay that she was taking this seriously. It was only fair that she did her part as well.
So Robin asked her to keep a notebook – much like the small one Jay had in his nightstand – and jot down anything she'd like to discuss at their next appointment. She was expected to keep track of any fleeting thought that seemed significant enough to talk about.
Hailey didn't know if she could actually follow through with it and honestly thought that writing in her phone would probably be easier, but she still accepted the free notebook and flipped through the empty pages whilst Robin explained to her what she should do with it.
Right now, she could easily list out a dozen things that they could discuss at her next appointment, but that'd require actually confronting all of those fears and anxieties that constantly twisted around in Hailey's gut, and she wasn't sure she was ready to do that yet. She felt like there should have been some sort of trial period first before just spilling all her secrets.
Hailey glanced over at Jay and sighed. She'd never looked in his own mini notebook, but she had seen him write in it once or twice. When she'd looked over his shoulder the other day, she'd noticed the words Hailey and worried. It certainly hadn't calmed any of the nerves in her gut.
Perhaps she could write about him in her own notebook.
Hailey turned on her side and grabbed her phone to look at the time: 12:54am. She groaned, but still sat up because she had nothing to lose.
Turning her lamp on, she ran a hand over her face before pulling the notebook and a pen she was quite sure she'd stolen from Jay out of her nightstand. She opened to the front page and stared at the blank lines, wishing words to suddenly appear on them. In her mind, she could see images beginning to float around compared to actual words, so that's what she leaned into.
Describing Jay's eyes – a piercing green that never intimidated her, but only provided her a safe pool to dive in to.
Jay's hands – strong, slightly callused that acted as a safety net to grab her when she was certain she was going to fall.
Jay's lips against hers – when they'd be the one thing that could make her forget the real world and only focus on the good that filled her heart.
Jay's scarred face – once so pink and stark against the hospital bed that she wasn't even quite sure she was really looking at her husband.
Jay's arms – how they felt wrapped around her at Molly's while everyone watched them dance together as husband and wife.
It was Jay.
He'd taken over all logical thoughts in her mind and finally made her pen move across the paper. Maybe it wasn't the exact thing she was supposed to be writing about in her notebook, but she didn't care: she was clearing her mind, and that was really all that mattered.
Hailey woke with a start the second her phone alarm went off the following morning. She didn't even remember falling asleep, and yet here she was tucked in to her blankets with her pillow perfectly positioned beneath her head. The last thing she did remember doing was crossing off some writing on her paper and putting a new spin on the way she was depicting who Jay was and what he meant to her.
Sitting up, she spun around in bed and searched for her notebook and pen, accidentally nudging at Jay as she looked.
He stirred next to her and mumbled, "What's happening?"
"Shh, go back to sleep," she hissed as she tore the blankets off her legs.
Jay snorted slightly and rubbed a hand over his face. "Hailey."
"Lost something," she sighed, "I-I was writing last night and-"
"Hey." Jay grabbed her wrist, and she finally glanced over at him. "Nightstand. I put it there last night."
Hailey raised an eyebrow, but slowly turned away from him to see that he was right: there to the left of where her phone had sat was her notebook, closed, and the black pen she'd been using. Her shoulders relaxed, and she nodded.
"Thank you," she breathed.
"Yeah, no problem," Jay said while pushing up to sit against the headboard, "You okay? I woke up around four and you were passed out while sitting up. The pen was actually still in your hand. I didn't mean to touch it, I just didn't want you to have a stiff neck."
Hailey absentmindedly rubbed the back of her neck and nodded before flipping the first page open.
"I didn't read," Jay continued softly, "I swear. It was too dark in here anyways."
"That's fine," she replied, her eyes already scanning whatever she'd written down in the middle of the night.
By its definition, a home is a place where someone resides. It's their shelter where they can expect food and water and clothing and a warm bed. It's more than just a house – the place where they live – it's the place where they experience safety and love.
I've never had a home. At least, I've never been given one. I have had to work to turn apartments and condos into homes. It was me from the very beginning.
My parents might have loved me when I was younger, but beating your children into submission, into fear of what could happen after a night out with "the guys," does not create a home. I had to stay up late into the night, imagining what my life could be like if my few stuffed animals were real and if we had a place of our own to call our own. All that really ended up being was my bed, but at least it was mine.
I now share a bed with a man. A good man. A man I've married. To me, there's no difference between this bed and my twin bed years before, but there is also all the difference in the world. For one, this man pays for this apartment with me. It is not solely his, and it is not solely mine. We have built this home together.
Because that's what this bed has remained over all the years I've lived: a home. Now, my Jay sleeps next to me, his warmth and safety illuminating from him and brushing light and love against me. He has helped me create a home. I was not on my own this time around: I had another person to work with me.
Jay taught me that a home is not a place. Just a few weeks before, our home was in Holland, Michigan. But was it really our home? No. It was a different town in a different state. What made it our home – my home – was the fact that Jay was there with me. Jay made that historical house a cozy, safe atmosphere simply because his heart was intertwined there with mine.
Jay loves me for me. I have made mistakes – more than I can even count just within the past five years that I've known Jay – and yet he is still here with me. He has shown me that I am capable of being loved.
You see, my parents took that from me. My innocence and hope for a future with a man who would love me unconditionally was taken from me at a young age. I struggled to see the point in being married if the man I was with would just use his strength to beat me down until all I felt was that I was a housewife without a future. My father did that to my mother. I refused to be that person; I did not want someone else to control me.
Jay doesn't control me. He did ask me to attend therapy, but he framed it in a way that I realized it was for the best. This is not meant to break me. I am going to become better and continue living my life because of Jay and these appointments.
Because Jay loves me.
He doesn't give up on me. He can see that I have worth. I am worthy. I am important. I am
Hailey blinked and stared at the final bits of her rambling. It had to have been when she'd fallen asleep sometime before Jay woke up. Altogether, perhaps the essay of sorts had a common thread throughout it, but it also did seem a bit random. She could probably add certain details or delete pieces to make it more cohesive, though she didn't exactly hate any of it. Maybe this could be her starting piece next week when she walked into Robin's office.
"Hailey?"
She blinked and looked over at Jay. "Hmm?"
"You okay?" he asked, "What'd you…did you want to tell me what's on there?"
"Um, it's…I'm okay," she said quietly, "Just something I was getting off my chest last night. It's nothing too great, but it's more than what I'd said yesterday at the appointment. I might even be proud of it?"
Jay smiled and nodded. "That's really great. I'm glad you were able to clear your head. Did you finish whatever it was before you fell asleep?"
Hailey laughed softly and shook her head. "No. It just ends with 'I am.' Clearly the sentence should be 'I am tired.'"
Jay laughed with her and reached over to squeeze her leg. "Could have also written 'I am beautiful' or 'I am smart' or 'I am amazing.' I would have supported any of those answers."
"So cheesy," Hailey replied with a tease beneath her breath, but she still managed to blush and shift around where she sat.
Jay hummed in reply then brushed his hand over the back of her hair. "Guessing you didn't sleep though?"
Hailey let out a weak laugh and shook her head. "Once you were out, my mind wouldn't stop racing. I don't know, I kept thinking about everything I'd gone over at my therapy appointment, which was…okay, it was not much, but I felt like I should have done better."
"It was your first appointment," Jay said, "Don't be so hard on yourself. And it's therapy, not school."
Hailey raised an eyebrow. "I hate losing."
Jay laughed harder and tugged her into his side. Kissing the top of her head, he murmured, "Stop. You can't lose at therapy. It's to help you, not keep you up for hours on end."
Hailey grumbled quietly, but leaned into him and closed her eyes. "I want to do well for you, though."
"As long as you go and try, that's all I ask. That's all you expect of me, isn't it?"
"Well, of course."
"Then that's the same I'm expecting out of you. Just try, Hailey."
She sighed and nodded. "I can do that."
It really was all she'd wanted out of Jay from the beginning of their partnership: for him to take his required sessions seriously. If she could ask that of him, she needed to give him the same respect and act the same way. And, why wouldn't she want the same thing for herself that she wanted for Jay?
Jay's fingers carded through her hair for a moment before he shifted against her, and she felt them gently brush under her eyes. "You can take the day off."
"No," Hailey said. She cleared her throat and sat up. "I left early yesterday, and that case is pretty much done. I have to see it through."
Jay pursed his lips, but nodded.
He understood what she meant and why. It was work - important work at that. Sometimes they needed to put their own health and emotions to the side for the good of whatever case they were working.
Even the year before when she'd been caught in an explosion, she'd ignored the doctor's orders that she lay off running around and went back to the district the next day with the after effects of a concussion. Jay hadn't been happy with her then either, but he also couldn't do much to argue with her. They were both in agreement that the Escano case needed to take their full priority. It didn't stop him from taking care of her that first night or any after the fact, though. He'd accepted that she was going to work no matter what he thought and rolled with it.
The next few weeks as they finished up the Beck case were going to have to be like that.
Hailey smiled sadly and brushed a hand over his cheek. "You need to get ready for the academy. It's your first day with kids."
"They're not kids," Jay chuckled as he pulled her onto his lap, "And it's just orientation."
She laughed with him as her hips settled against his, and she rested her arms over his shoulders. "So does recruits fit better then?"
"It'll have to do," Jay said. He kissed her nose and pulled her as close to him as she could get.
She dragged her hands down his back and mumbled, "I know a way you could wake me up."
"Oh, really?" Jay laughed. His hands tightened at her waist, his thumbs pressing against her hip bones.
"Only if you want to help, of course," Hailey said softly, "I'm just thinking, we could maybe go take that morning shower together? We'd wake up and get ready for our jobs at the same time. Start us off on a good foot."
Jay hummed and let a smirk spread across his face. "I don't see how that's a bad thing at all."
Hailey quickly kissed him then moved to climb off his lap only for him to shake his head and squeeze her waist.
"I've got it."
Hailey raised an eyebrow and repeated, "Got what?"
"You," Jay chuckled. He scooted to the edge of the bed, swung his legs over the side of the mattress, and said, "Can't tire you out even more by having you walk to the bathroom."
Hailey gave in with a laugh and shook her head, but didn't fight him as he slowly stood with her against him. Wrapping her legs around his waist, she couldn't help but send him a wide smile as he carried her to the bathroom.
This really was her home.
It wasn't tucked within the blankets of her bed like when she was little or in the middle of the night, but it was still home. Here in Jay's arms, she was safe from the fears and the ghosts of her past. Even if he, at one point, had been the cause of some of those fears, he'd found a way to free her of those binds. He rescued her from the mind games she was experiencing and was determined to get her the help she needed so they never returned.
That was Hailey's home, and that was what she decided she was going to talk about next week at therapy.
It didn't have to be about all the negative things in her life; it really could be about the good. Maybe that was how she was going to win therapy – even if Jay told her this wasn't a game, and she had to agree with that at its core: she was going to prove her life had good in it, and that started with Jay. Yes, there was fear and pain, but it didn't break her. She grew from it all to where she is now, and maybe she can look back at those low moments and find moments of strength.
That could be her goal for therapy.
That could be where her success story began.
Hailey found herself hiding yawns while working in the back room once she got to the district. It didn't help that all she was doing was watching footage Adam had taken and writing notes for their future raid. It was tedious work that she was tired of doing. She needed this case to end so that she could get back out in the field on a more consistent basis.
Showering with Jay was fun and woke her up in a way, but the endorphins and adrenaline only lasted so long before she realized she needed to go back to coffee to keep her awake and focused.
Though focused was a loose word. While she was trying her best to work on the case, she couldn't help but keep her phone nearby so she could check for any possible texts from Jay. Orientation started at 9am, and she didn't doubt that it started the second his imaginary bell went off.
Jay could put on a front all he wanted to everyone else that he wasn't sure teaching was exactly where he'd pictured himself heading in life, but Hailey knew he was secretly loving this. He'd made sure she looked over his uniform before she walked out the door so that he was positive he was looking as professional as possible. He wanted to put his best foot forward and impress these recruits – kids – and show them that no matter what possible rumors they'd heard about him, because they both knew some sort of word (whether good or bad) had spread, he was here now, and he was going to do the best job that he possibly could.
He truly cared that he did a good job. He wanted to take this as a new, fresh start in the police force. It was his chance to prove what he was worth.
And, in Hailey's eyes, he was worth a lot.
"Hey."
Hailey blinked and looked up from her blank home lock screen. "Hey," she said quietly to Kim, "Hear from Adam at all?"
Kim shrugged and perched on the edge of an empty desk. "I don't think anything you haven't heard. He said it seems like things are starting to get going at the top, so he's thinking everything's going according to plan, but we'll see. Something feels off to me. I don't know. I don't like him hanging out with them so much. I don't want him to get in so far that there's no way out."
Hailey frowned and nodded. "Not that he'll get caught in their beliefs, but that their expectations will catch him."
"They're dangerous people," Kim breathed, "And he's with them every day. The thought of what's going to happen to him when they find out he's a cop keeps me up at night."
Hailey shook her head and looked down at her hands. Picking at her nails, she sighed and said, "Undercover work is terrifying – both for the person who's under and the people who care for them."
Kim ran a hand over her face and nodded. "Awful."
"He'll be okay," Hailey assured as she glanced back up, "We have to believe that. In fact, I know he's going to be okay. It's Adam, right?"
"It's Adam," Kim repeated as an answer, a slight laugh teasing at her voice.
Hailey laughed softly as well and shrugged. Letting out a breath, she said, "He'll make it. We'll all get through the other side. We're not just stuck here. This case will end."
"I just hope it doesn't blow up when it does."
Hailey scrunched her nose, but she needed to nod. She knew why Kim had a more pessimistic view right now: the guy she had some sort of relationship with and who was acting as the father of her child was in danger every single day. That was not an easy pill to swallow and certainly not one that was just going to disappear. There would always be the fear that whenever Richard Beck was arrested, someone was going to be out there looking for revenge or acting on his orders to get rid of Adam.
Adam was not in the clear no matter the outcome of the situation, and accepting that was never an easy task.
"But enough of that," Kim sighed. She shook her head to seem to clear her thoughts then continued to say, "Want to tell me about how yesterday went? Did your therapy go well?"
Hailey sucked in a breath then shook her own head. "Personally, no, but Jay said as long as I showed up and tried, so who knows. It was just a lot. I was not expecting it to be so open-ended. Is that super close minded of me?"
Kim shook her head. "I don't think so. You didn't know what to expect, and that's fine. Did you like her? That's important. And do you think it'll all help?"
Hailey pulled a leg up on her chair and shrugged. "She was nice enough yesterday when I met her; I think we'll get along. As for it working…I hope so. For Jay's sake, I hope so."
Kim shot her a small smile and said, "Hailey, you know-"
"Yeah, yeah," Hailey breathed.
This was supposed to be for her. It wasn't for Jay at the root; it was for her. However, she did know that when helping herself and learning how to deal with nightmares and the lingering anxiety, it would result in helping Jay, so it really was for his sake that she went. She wouldn't have to wake him up and he wouldn't have to constantly reassure her of things that she knew to be true but still feared in the dead of night. This all would help him too in the long run.
"Just keep at it," Kim said quietly, "I don't think you'll regret it, really."
"Oh, I know," Hailey replied, "It won't hurt anything by going. I really can just go up from here. Like I told you before, it's this mental hump for me to get over when I'm there."
"And like I said, that's normal," Kim said, "At least it was for me, and you said it was for Jay too. You'll get there. I promise."
Hailey smiled slightly and said, "Thank you."
"Of course," Kim said while slipping into a chair, "Hear anything from Jay? Isn't it orientation day?"
"Yeah," Hailey sighed, "I haven't heard anything though. That should be a good thing." She brushed her finger over her phone screen, noticed there still wasn't any message from him, then tilted her head up to the ceiling for a moment. "Now this is some anxiety I wish I could get rid of: constantly worrying about Jay in his new job."
Kim laughed and shook her head. "It's like he's a kid on the first day of school. I still have days where I know I spend more time thinking about Makayla than work. It doesn't just go away."
Hailey laughed as well. "Well, great, thanks for that."
"I aim to please," Kim teased. Smiling as she pulled over a file she'd been working with, she continued to say, "But, just like her, I'm sure he's doing fine. Orientation isn't a huge thing. You hear the rules, feel out the others, and debate if you're going to be able to impress the instructor within the first day."
Hailey snorted. "And did you?"
"Impress the instructor?" Kim asked. When Hailey nodded, she shrugged and said, "I don't know. Maybe? There weren't too many other girls when I started, so that probably made me stand out right away. Worked my ass off, though."
"Tell me about it," Hailey replied.
She could go back to that period of her life where all she focused on was acing classes, reading the textbook front to back and multiple times over, and working out to perform better than the others in the performance tasks. It was not a peaceful time. That was some of her peak anxiety – before Jay's absence of course. She just wanted to do well and make not just her instructors proud, but her uncle as well.
He'd always believed that she could do it: she could become a Robbery-Homicide detective like she'd planned forever. He'd been the only one who'd supported her along the way. Her mom came around at some point, but it still seemed vague and like she thought her daughter could do better – at least, those were the words her father would say, so she knew her mom was simply attempting to soften the words whenever they'd talk.
The police academy was for Uncle DJ. He'd been the reason she chased her dream, and he was the reason now that she continued pushing forward even when the days got hard.
And it was on those hard days that she remembered Trudy and the scared little girl that she'd once been, and knew that giving up was not an option.
She knew that Jay was going to have to have his students channel that feeling within themselves so that they never did give up. He needed to push them to find their meaning beneath it all. It was a job, and simply that want to do good in the world was never going to be enough, but it still meant something at the end of the day. The academy was hard in many nuanced ways, and Jay was about to be at the head of it all. This was his chance to form the next generation of cops, and she knew he was going to do it well.
"How many did you graduate with?" Kim asked.
"Uh, three others?" Hailey guessed, "There were five of us originally, but one dropped out due to personal issues and rejoined the next year. That girl ended up moving to Ohio, another still works patrol – she just never had the desire to leave it - one's a detective in the gang unit, and the other just joined the canine unit which is cool since that's what she wanted when we first started."
"That's super cool," Kim said, "You obviously keep up with them then?"
Hailey shook her head. "Not really. There are the random group texts every once in a while, but I mostly see updates through the department or just hear about it by word of mouth. You know how it is with keeping up with everyone, it's hard."
Kim nodded. "I had two other girls my year, but I don't even know where one of them ended up. One's working in Missing Persons. I don't know if I'd ever be able to have a kid while working there."
"Like we have easy days," Hailey said sarcastically.
"Well, you know," Kim sighed, "It'd be constant there, and what's the satisfaction in it? We usually don't have a lot that have died already when we're looking for them. How many people a year are never found? I can't deal with that. I need closure."
Nodding in understanding, Hailey glanced around at the room then let out a breath. "I need closure with all of this. I'm sick of it."
"Just a couple more weeks," Kim mumbled. She rubbed a hand over her face before starting up her computer. "Thank god."
Hailey turned back to her own work and figured she'd give herself another half hour before getting up for more coffee. The more she worked, the closer they'd get to finishing the case, and the sooner they'd get that closure they all needed. There was no way Adam was going to come out of it unscathed since he was so deep in, but at least the rest of them would hopefully feel okay enough that they could help him through whatever ended up happening.
Then there was Jay. He seemed to be counting down the time until this case was over with so she'd be home with him more or at least on a more consistent basis. She didn't blame him at all: she also wanted to spend more time at home. At least he was going to be working even more now, so that would help take his mind off of her even if it did the exact opposite for her.
They would figure it out, though, she knew they would. They had no other choice but to figure it out. And they've gone through worse. This was the easy part.
This was the part where their life really began.
To Hailey's relief, she was able to get home just before six, but Jay wasn't anywhere to be seen when she pushed through the door. She used the time alone to get into a pair of leggings and a clean t-shirt before putting a frozen chicken pot pie in the oven. As she unloaded the dishwasher and set their places at the island, she tried keeping her mind off of where her husband was only to finally properly breathe the moment she heard his key in the door.
Jay wasn't even through the door as he pulled his loosened tie from his neck. "Hey," he said absentmindedly while setting his keys and wallet on the entryway table.
"Hey," she said softly. She straightened up from putting a load of towels in the washer and asked, "Hungry? I have a chicken pot pie in the oven. It should be done in about ten minutes."
Jay shot her a tired smile and nodded. "That sounds great, thank you. I'll just go change."
"Of course."
Hailey watched as he brushed his hand over his face on his way into their bedroom. He looked exhausted, and she felt lost at what he needed. He hadn't reached out to her at any point in the day to say anything went terribly wrong, so she had assumed it all went well – but maybe this was the exact opposite of 'no news is good news:' maybe this meant that no news was bad news.
Leaning against the counter, Hailey glanced around debating what to do as an attempt to give Jay peace before giving in and making her way into the bedroom. She couldn't let any of his frustrations fester like they might have in the past. They'd agreed to turn over a new leaf, and that needed to start now.
"Jay," she said as she walked in the room, "Let's talk about whatever happened. I don't want you to push everything to the side; I can listen. I promise. I don't have to try to fix it or anything."
Jay chuckled as he pulled a fresh t-shirt on, and Hailey realized he was truly smiling as he turned toward her.
"I'm okay," he said softly, "My mind's just spinning with everything that was today." He adjusted his sweatpants then grabbed out a pair of clean socks. "It was a good day."
"It was?" Hailey breathed, relief flooding her system.
"Yeah," Jay replied. He moved to sit on the edge of the mattress so he could pull his socks on. "There was just traffic, which gave me a lot of time to think; plus, I didn't realize how exhausting it'd be," he continued with a slight laugh, "And this was just orientation. Come Monday, I'll be teaching every day for like six hours. Just me talking. Holy crap, right?"
Hailey relaxed and smiled back at him. Kneeling behind him, she rubbed her hands down his back and said, "It does seem like a lot. Are you worried about it or…"
"Well, nerves, you know," Jay answered, "But nothing I can't handle. I think today was just eye-opening. I've got a wide range in my class. Twenty-four total: fifteen guys, nine girls. That's way more than when I went through the academy."
"Girls?" Hailey clarified. When Jay nodded, she smiled and said, "Me too, but that just makes me excited for what's to come, don't you think? We need more women."
"I completely agree with you," Jay said, "But…"
Hailey stopped rubbing his back and raised an eyebrow when he glanced back at her. "But what?"
Jay bit his lip then said quietly, "But they're not you. None of them – guy or girl – stood out to me. They were pretty quiet, respectful and polite, but quiet. I was expecting a little more from them."
Hailey studied his eyes for a moment then asked, "Were you really expecting to have a copy cat of our team in your class?"
"I…" Jay trailed off and blushed, "I was just thinking I'd see more potential on Day One."
Hailey hummed and returned to sliding her hands down his back. "They have potential. You just have to get to know them a little better, and let them know you too. Don't be afraid to hide who you are. Anyone say anything about your job?"
Jay scoffed. "One asked in front of the whole class if I was the guy who used to work in Intelligence, and then I heard someone else say, 'Told you so' when I said I did take a leave of absence to return to the army, so they're talking."
"They've talked," Hailey corrected. She wrapped her arms around his middle and rested her chin on his shoulder. Kissing his cheek, she whispered, "You have the chance on Monday to make things right – to show them who Jay Halstead really is. Correct them, put any rumors to rest, and show them that the real Detective Halstead is a brave, badass guy who did leave Intelligence, but now he's ready to lead the next generation of police. Do not let them win."
Jay's lips tipped up, and he nodded. "I think I can do that. We know I like winning."
"Exactly," Hailey laughed softly. She pressed another kiss to his cheek then climbed off the bed. "We're similar in that way, and yet it might be our biggest weakness as a couple."
Jay laughed with her and shook his head. "Besides the fact that it makes game night impossible, it just means that we'll do anything to come out on top."
Hailey smiled and grabbed his hands.
He was right.
She'd realized it earlier that day regarding therapy, she thought Jay just now saw it in regards to his job, and there was no reason to doubt that it couldn't apply to their overall marriage as well. They could beat all of their fears and recover from any bricks that were thrown their way. This was their chance to win. This was their chance to prove to everyone that the Halsteads – because she did consider herself a Halstead when it came to who she was with Jay – refused to stay down when they fell off the horse.
"I think our kids are going to be cursed with an overly competitive gene," she admitted softly.
Jay laughed loudly and stood up. "And we'll deal with that when it comes. We might have to limit team sports, maybe they'll be better at something like golf."
"Oh, that's it, let's give them a club and a bunch of tiny balls to pelt at people," Hailey said while leading Jay back out to their kitchen.
"Good point," Jay chuckled. He dropped her hand to grab out their water pitcher. As he filled their glasses, he said, "We've got time to figure it out. Until then, mind if I walk you through what we did today? I was late because I was talking with the other guys about what we're doing on Monday, so maybe you could let me know if those plans are good too?"
"There is nothing else I'd like to do," Hailey said with a smile, pulling their dinner out of the oven.
Jay smiled back at her and sat at the island. Sitting next to him, Hailey happily listened along to his day while they ate.
This was exactly how she wanted their new life to go: together while recounting their separate days with much laughter and wandering hands throughout. They could do separate jobs just like she could figure out how to approach therapy.
Everything was going to be great.
Hopefully for a very long time.
A/N: Let me know what you think? See you next week!