Ch 15: Transformation

Rated T for language and Nina

Characters: Edward, Alphonse

Timeline: BH/Manga

Notes: how can one see a prompt like "transformation" and not think about chimera? Specifically little girl-dog chimera? It's evil, oh so evil, but also oh so wonderfully whumpy. Takes place probably a week or so after Nina (but not the 03 version)

Edward Elric did not generally believe in God, but he was really starting to believe in the idea of divine punishment. God felt too big, too "out there" for his scientific mind (even though the emotional, human part of him wanted to believe his mom and Aunt Sara and Uncle Yuriy were happy somewhere in the afterlife). He couldn't logically comprehend the idea of God, but God, if such a being did exist, was sure as hell trying its hardest to prove him wrong.

It really did feel like, sometimes, there was a sort of balance to the universe that just couldn't be human or earthly in nature. Truth claimed to be the thing that kept that balance, but all Edward ever got from it was a set of automail limbs. However, things just kept happening to him, despite having paid his "toll" for his sins against alchemy. It was like some greater force knew who he was and said, "let's remind that boy of his place, he's getting too hopeful."

How dare he make friends with an innocent little girl? Kill her at the hands of her evil father. How dare he expect his commanding officer to understand his grief? Send him on a mission to check the living conditions of chimera.

If that wasn't divine punishment, Edward wasn't sure what was.

In retrospect, he should've known better than to think Mustang would be considerate. What did the man say when he found Ed crying on the steps of the Tucker estate? "Are you gonna shut down like this every time"? Shut down like what, Colonel? Like he didn't just come across the mangled contortion of Alexander and Nina, two living souls who did nothing to deserve what happened to them? Like he didn't just beat the shit out of that monster Shou? Like it hadn't been less than a day since the loss of that little girl? Mustang just expected Ed to be okay because he was a strong person. Well, Ed was a strong person, but that didn't mean he didn't need to grieve. Especially something as screwed up as Tucker's "experiment".

But Mustang didn't understand that, did he? No, because if he did, he wouldn't have sent Edward on a chimera related mission one freaking week after Nina's death.

The point of the mission was to investigate rumors of animal mistreatment at someone's private laboratory. And what Edward found, thank God, wasn't nearly as bad as he'd feared. Small cages and minor cases of malnourishment, but it could have been a lot worse. Edward wrote citations for the poor conditions and said someone would be back in a week to ensure the animals were being treated better. It wasn't easy, being around so many crying, scared animals, but at least none of them could talk. But as he was leaving, one of the animals started pawing at its cage and whining at him. He looked at it, and came face to face with a big white dog with brown eyes.

He choked on a gasp, looking at the dog's mournful eyes, and even though it couldn't speak, all he heard were distorted echoes of "Ed-ward…Ed-ward…big brother Ed". The resident alchemist may have asked him if he was alright, but he couldn't hear it. He didn't stop when his bodyguard, Armstrong, called after him. He just rushed out of there, trying with all his willpower not to start crying.

When he got back to the barracks, he finally gave in to his emotions, collapsing on his bed in tears. He couldn't even feel embarrassed, ignoring Alphonse's greeting at the door and proceeding to sob into his pillow. He'd cried more in the last week than he had since his automail rehab. Most of the time at night, when Al went off to do research without bothering Ed's sleep. But a few times, he'd broken down in Al's presence. It wasn't like him to allow so much weakness in his little brother's presence, but he just couldn't handle it all right now. Not with Nina, then Scar, then having his automail destroyed and having to go to Resembool. Too much had happened in a matter of days, and he wasn't even close to processing the first thing.

When Edward's sobs had calmed to sniffling, Alphonse finally spoke. "I guess I don't need to ask how the mission went…" It tore Al up inside to see his brother so distraught; he knew better than anyone that Edward wasn't as unbreakable as he pretended to be, but it still hurt to see.

Edward turned his head toward Alphonse, hugging his pillow. "I saw her, Al. I know…I know it wasn't her, but…it was all I could think about…" He took in a hiccuping breath, squeezing his eyes just and forcing out residual tears.

Alphonse's very being ached with a sort of ethereal pain, thinking about Nina. She was so sweet, so innocent. He loved playing with her, making her smile…the way she looked at him without a hint of fear. He wished so badly he could shed physical tears; he'd be right there with Edward, sobbing his heart out. And it hurt even more to see Edward's pain, raw and on display when he'd normally force it all down. They both just felt so guilty, so responsible for what had happened. How could they not have seen the signs? Why couldn't they have saved her?

Alphonse walked to Edward's bed, not even bothering to ask before scooping his older brother up into his steel embrace. He then planted himself on the floor, holding Edward against his chest plate. Edward looked surprised for just a moment before burrowing into Al's arms. He laid his cheek against Al's chest, wishing desperately he could hear the comforting tones of a heartbeat in his ear. It was his fault he couldn't hear anything, but he could still feel Alphonse's presence. He'd always been able to feel it, like a soft humming being reflected through his own soul. He latched onto that feeling, letting it soothe some of the despair in his heart. Fresh tears trailed down his face, dropping onto Al's legs. Edward wrapped his automail hand around Al's forearm; he couldn't feel it and neither could Alphonse, but somehow, that made him feel more connected.

"I'm so sorry, Alphonse," Ed whispered. "I'm so sorry I'm not strong enough."

Al tightened his grip slightly on Ed's shoulders. "You're the strongest person I know, Brother. It's just…been a lot lately. It's okay. You don't have to be strong right now. You know I would never think any less of you."

"You're a million times stronger than me, Al. I don't know what I did to deserve a little brother like you. I don't deserve a little brother like you…You're too good for me…" Ed's breathing came out in a choked sob, putting an end to his words.

"That's exactly how I feel about you." Alphonse's voice was just as thick with emotion. It was all true; Edward was Alphonse's mother, father, brother, friend, mentor, peer, critic…he'd been everything for Al since their dad left and their mom died. Al couldn't imagine anyone more important in his life than Ed. That was why he'd been so furious when Ed nearly let himself be murdered by Scar—he didn't know how he'd be able to go on without his older brother by his side. He wasn't sure he could…and he knew Ed felt the same way. It was why he'd given up his arm to save Al's life—because one could simply not live without the other.

Life could be such a fragile, temperamental thing—there one moment and gone the next. Ed and Al both had had too many experiences with that in their short lives. That was why Nina's death hurt so much. They hadn't known her for long, but there was no reason for her to suffer like she had. It simply wasn't fair…and they felt helpless to the situation. They knew, logically, there was nothing they could've done to stop Tucker, but it didn't make them feel any less responsible.

You wanted to, so you did. That was what Tucker had said to Edward when they found him. To imply in any way that what Tucker did and what Ed and Al did was comparable…it made Al sick. Sure, in the end, the brothers may have committed human transmutation for themselves—not for their mother, like they made themselves believe. But Tucker knew. He knew human chimera were only made to suffer. Ed and Al may have known what they wanted was wrong, but they never could have known how much pain it would cause. Tucker knew.

And Alphonse knew Ed was still shaken up by that comparison.

Edward Elric was not an evil person; he was human, and humans did bad things sometimes. Alphonse would never compare his brother (or himself, because dammit, he wanted Mom back too!) to the monster that was Shou Tucker. It took a special kind of evil to transform first your wife, then your daughter into a creature that only knew pain. Al loved his brother so much, saw so much good in him it physically hurt.

"I'm sorry, Al…" Edward whispered again. Al wasn't sure what exactly he was apologizing for, but he supposed it could've been anything. With that, Ed sniffled and made to get out of Al's lap.

"Where are you going, Brother?" Al asked as Ed wiped his eyes with his flesh hand.

"Back to bed. You don't have to deal with this…I'm sorry."

In response, Al just gripped Ed tighter. "No, don't leave."

"But—I'm okay, really—" Ed started, his voice failing miserably to match his words.

"I need this, Ed," Al interjected, almost desperate. "Please…"

Edward looked up at his little brother, seeing the pain and fear shining in Al's glowing eyes. It made his heart clench, and he settled back into Al's embrace, reaching out to grip one of Al's gauntlets tightly. "Okay. Of course, Al. I won't go anywhere…"

And even though Al couldn't physically feel Ed's body cradled against him, he swore he could feel Ed's love. Like the blood that literally tied him to existence, Edward was always here for him. And Alphonse was always here for Ed.

ugh I wish I had the words to express the kind of love Ed and Al have for each other... it's just so good I luv it sm—

If it wasn't obvious, I don't like how Mustang treats Ed after Nina. Like, I know he's the tough love type of guy, but ? Can you let the kid grieve a little? Smh

Also crying ed feeds my soul