So it looks like ffn's email system is broken again...hopefully it'll get fixed sooner than last time. I have a few fics I'm sick of manually checking on!

In other news, I have officially graduated college! Now for life to really begin! *nervous laughter*. Fr tho, it doesn't seem real yet. It feels like just another summer...but it's not. Idk yet entirely what i plan to do...but ig I'll figure it out haha

Anyway, enough about me. You're here for the story :P

Ch 19: "Why wasn't I enough?"

Rated T for language

Characters: Edward, Hohenheim, Pinako

Timeline: BH/Manga

Notes: time to talk about Ed's daddy issues! Because this prompt is absolutely perfect for it! Takes place during book 11 (and whatever corresponding episode that is…i think it's 20 something. I know the book cause it's my absolute favorite XD). Story is Ed's pov; hope that's not too off-putting and you'll be willing to give it a chance ;P

I used to wonder all the time how things would have turned out if Hohenheim never left.

For a while, I believed that Mom never would have died. I always knew she was heartbroken after he was gone, with all the times I would see her holding a photograph of that man and trying to hide her tears. And I do still hold an immense amount of anger toward him for ever making her feel that way…but I also understand that she died because she was sick. It would be an injustice to the memory of my mother to say that she wasn't strong enough to handle him leaving. She was waiting for him to come back, and, for reasons I can't comprehend, she really believed he would.

…He apparently believed he would, too.

I just don't get it. Everything I've seen today, from the moment I spotted him in the cemetery, leads me to believe he was coming back. He asked me why I burned down "his" house. Why would he call it that if he didn't believe he still had some kind of claim to it? I can't help but feel like there's more to it than just "I built it so it's mine". And that idea…I don't know how to even begin to pick it apart.

I turn over in bed, looking out the window of the room at Granny's that Al and I used to share. The moon has risen in the time since I left Hohenheim and Granny after dinner, but my mind is far too riled up to sleep. There are just too many questions—the biggest one being why? Why did he come back? It's been ten years. Up until Teacher mentioned back in Dublith that she'd met someone named Hohenheim, I thought he was most likely dead. No one had heard anything from him since the moment he left. Every single letter Al and I ever sent went unanswered. But why? If he was really planning on making some big comeback, why did we never hear from him? Why didn't he tell us why he left? If Al hadn't woken me up to use the bathroom that morning ten years ago, we never would have even seen him leave. Why would he just abandon us like that?

And…why did Mom still believe in him so much?

I can still hear Hohenheim and Granny's voices downstairs. They probably think I'm asleep…It wouldn't be surprising, given I'm notorious for falling asleep anywhere, anytime. I can't hear their words through walls and floorboards, just the echo of their tones. Something that sounds like a chair scraping on the floor, and glasses clinking. Footsteps moving up the stairs, much too heavy to be Granny's. It occurs to me that I didn't close the door all the way. He's probably going to look for me.

Assuming he cares enough to, at least.

I close my eyes, holding my blanket tightly in my hand. The footsteps get closer, and I even out my breathing as much as possible. With my back to the door, I hope he'll just look in and think I'm asleep.

The door creaks open, and the footsteps pause.

Please don't come in. Please don't come in.

He does.

I take in a long breath, listening to the footsteps approach before stopping just before the bed. He's so close I can hear his own breathing. It's slightly heightened and heavy, almost like he's…afraid or something. Of what? Of me? He's the reason I'm even here; he has no right to be afraid of me.

Hohenheim shifts a little closer. I hear the rustle of clothing, and feel his presence looming over me. Even with my back turned, I can feel what he's about to do. He's going to put a hand on my head and brush my hair back, the same way he used to before everything fell apart. Please don't, please don't…Don't act like nothing's changed. I try to stop it, but my body tenses ever-so-slightly in anticipation.

The movement stops.

I can still feel his hand above me, frozen just a foot from my head. This only makes the tension worse, my heart racing in my chest. As much as I don't want him to touch me, I'd rather have him do it than be indecisive. If he can't bring himself to touch me…then maybe he really doesn't care.

The hand moves away, and somehow, that makes me feel even worse. Hohenheim's footsteps leave the room, and I open my eyes.

It was always easier to believe that Hohenheim left because he didn't care about any of us. It was the only thing that made sense. If he cared, he wouldn't have left. Right? Yet having that sentiment all but confirmed hurts a lot more than I ever thought it would.

I've been so angry at him for so long that I thought I couldn't be hurt by him…but as much as I don't want to admit it, that's not the case. There was that moment at the cemetery, when he somehow just knew the real reason I burned down my home. There was that moment before dinner when I came down from showering and he saw my automail and didn't say a word. And now there's this. I want so badly to be angry, because that's always been how I've managed my feelings toward him. I know anger, and it's the best emotion to keep all the others at bay. When I don't have my anger to protect me…I can't help but feel…

…Vulnerable.

And that's a feeling that scares me.

Why is it that this man of all people is one of the ones who can make me feel like this? Hohenheim doesn't deserve to make me feel anything but anger. Alphonse, the Rockbells, Teacher, Nina…those are people who actually mean something to me. Even if I still don't like it, they're allowed to make me feel vulnerable. How dare this man come into my life after ten years and expose me like this?

Why did he leave? Why wasn't Mom more important than whatever "dream" he went to fulfill? Why weren't his children more important?

…Why wasn't I enough for him?

I think he loved me once. He must have, right? Why else would I be here? Why would Alphonse be here if he didn't want us? The stupid, naive, human part of me wants to believe he still does love me, even if I promised myself I'd never give a shit what he thinks. Because, dammit, I do still care. Today is proof of that. I wanted so badly to forget everything he's done, but I can't, and it's so damn frustrating…and painful.

Unable to stand my feelings any longer, I push my covers away, getting out of bed. I can hear Granny's voice downstairs again, which means the bastard must have gone back down there. I don't know what compels me to start making my way toward them. There's no reason; my…father has made it clear what he thinks of me. Yet still, that persistent, annoying, hopeful part of me wants to be wrong.

So, I walk as quietly as possible toward the stairs. I'm practically limping, keeping the rhythmic clicking noise of my automail foot against the floor at bay as much as I can. Hohenheim's voice joins Granny's, intense and inquisitive. I can hear snippets of words now, and my heart begins beating harder again. I think I know what they're talking about. I don't want to hear it, but I have to.

Because I just have to know why.

I feel like there was more of Ed's internal conflict that I wanted to touch on but I just didn't know how to do it...it's really such an interesting dynamic because he has every right to be upset with his dad's leaving, and at the same time, we as the audience can still be sympathetic to Hohenheim's situation too. I tried to touch on that, that maybe there's more going on than Ed understands...

I actually have a couple other fics in the archive that take place during this episode, cause like I said earlier, it's my favorite. At this point, I should just post them...