Chapter 2 - That Wasn't Me

Arizona excused herself to the bathroom before they left for the park, a voice in her head screaming "what the FUCK". She lightly smacked the sides of her head, trying to shake herself out of the haze she always seemed to find herself in when she was near Callie. Taking a breath, she gave herself the pep talk she'd been giving herself since she started talking to Callie and getting emotionally invested in the move.

She LEFT me. She left me, and then she left me again, but that time it was worse because she took my daughter. No one in the history of my life has hurt me like Callie.

Arizona knew she couldn't trust her emotions to guide her, not that her emotions had guided her anywhere besides hurting the people she cared about most.

Her head was swimming with memories when she finally remembered how long she had been in there. She washed her hands hastily and left the bathroom, trying not to give away any pain on her face.

"You good?" Callie asked, clocking her discomfort like second nature as she wrapped a coat around Sofia's shoulders.

"Yeah, yeah. I'm fine, just, you know, leg stuff." Arizona stuttered.

Leg stuff?

Callie shoulders drooped almost imperceptibly and she nodded in understanding as her focus settled away from Arizona's eyes.

Well, shit.

Before Arizona could consider the can of worms she opened, she was following Callie and Sofia out the door.

They walked the few blocks it took to get to the park in relative silence, besides, of course, standing on either side of Sofia, holding her hands and swinging her back and forth in the air whenever she jumped. The girl rushed over to the swings the second they made it to the park. Arizona and Callie found a bench near the swings and took a seat, leaving a gap between one another.

Arizona looked out onto the Hudson, thinking about how this would be the water she'd look out onto instead of the bay from now on. She wondered to herself if there were any ferry boats in the river on this side of Manhattan. Did they only have the ones that go to the Statue of Liberty? She should take Sofia with her sometime, that would be a fun day trip to -

"I'm sorry." Callie blurted, interrupting Arizona's runaway train of thought.

"Wha-"

"Arizona, I'm sorry. Every time I think we're past this, it comes back to the leg."

"Callie, no, what are y-" Arizona raised her hand, trying to get a word in.

"I know you can never forgive me, but it was such an impossible position to be in. We were certain that you were going to die if I didn't make the call, you know that. Everyone told me it was you or the leg, Arizona. I had to choose. And I had to choose you. For Sofia's sake, for your family's sake, and yes, selfishly, for my sake."

At this point, Callie had tears streaming down her cheeks and was feeling incredibly thankful that the swings faced away from her. Arizona scooted down the bench to close the distance between them and wrapped an arm around her shoulder, letting her hands smooth over Callie's thick, wavy hair.

"I would never forgive me," Callie whispered, defeated.

"Calliope," Arizona said as she grabbed Callie's face and lifted it to hers, "you saved me."

Callie paused and her eyes flicked between Arizona's. She was expecting to see remnants of the empty shell that had been her wife for so long, but in its place was a woman full of life. A changed life, maybe, but they were older now. They were bound to be changed either way. She had to make a concerted effort not to fall headfirst into those blue eyes, so she let her eyes drop to her hands clutched on her lap.

"You saved me from certain death by making that call. You saved me from myself by somehow tolerating my heinous behavior after that. You even saved me when you walked away, because I knew I had to do better, and learn how to be happy with the life I was given. I owed it to myself, but more than that I owed it to Sofia, to our family, to you," Arizona continued.

Callie sniffled and met Arizona's gaze for just a moment before lowering her eyes once more. Arizona moved her head down to regain eye contact and offered a small smile, hoping she'd get one in return.

"I can't forgive you, because I owe you, forever, and I'm so sorry I told you differently." Arizona soothed, carefully wiping away Callie's tears with the sleeve of her sweater. "I don't know how you're even the one apologizing right now, after everything." Her tone was light, but she meant every word.

Averting her gaze once more, Callie took over in dabbing away her own tears and subtly moved her head away from Arizona's hands.

"God, Robbins, you've only been here an hour and you've got me crying. Can't you buy a girl dinner first?" Callie joked, the smile not reaching her eyes.

Callie slid down the bench and put nearly a foot of space between herself and Arizona, patting her eyes gingerly to avoid messing up her eyeliner.

Arizona felt a pang in her chest at the sudden distance, with the full knowledge of how she had, in large part, caused it. For the rest of the afternoon, they sat and watched Sofia play in uncomfortable silence.

Arizona had tried to make conversation with Callie along the walk home, receiving only nods and one word answers in return, brown eyes refusing to meet hers.

They approached the apartment and decided after some one-sided discussion that Sofia should spend the night with Callie.

"I just figured she's been asking for you for this long. Plus, I want to have her room ready before she comes over. Is that okay with you?" Arizona asked, searching Callie's eyes for any trace of their conversation earlier.

"Of course! We're gonna have a super awesome slumber party with ice cream. Sound good, kiddo?" her ex-wife said as she wiggled her eyebrows at their daughter. Callie avoided Arizona's gaze the best she could, and luckily for her, she had the light of her life to focus her attention on instead.

"Yeah, ice cream!"

"Alright, honey, Mommy's gonna go to our new house and make it perfect, so you have fun with Mama, ok?" Arizona said, bringing Sofia in for a hug.

Arizona stood and looked to Callie, "Let me know if you need anything, okay? I don't have much unpacked, but if you get called into work or anything, just text me and I can pick her up," she said.

"Mhmm," Callie nodded, smiling down at Sofia. "Come on, let's go, Sof!"

"Okay, bye Mommy!"

"Bye, baby, I love you." said Arizona.

Callie didn't look back as the door closed behind her, and left Arizona standing there alone, reeling from the whiplash of the day.

Sofia had run off to the toy aisle at the grocery store with Callie's blessing and she mindlessly perused the ice cream selection. She picked out a tub of chocolate and paused for a moment to let the cool air blow across her face before closing the freezer door.

She walked down the aisle on her way to grab a frozen pizza when she saw red hair out of the corner of her eye. Panicking, she opened the door to a different freezer and stuck her head inside, hiding herself behind the frosted door as much as she could. Despite her effort, she heard light footsteps approach and she winced in preparation for what was to come.

"Callie? Is that you?" asked Penny, peeking around the door.

"Uh, yeah," Callie replied, unable to look the younger woman in the eyes as she closed the freezer.

Penny shifted back on her feet and looked down. Callie let herself take in the sight of her, noticing her hair had grown in the time since they had last seen each other.

"You look good," Penny noted.

"Listen, we don't have to have this back and forth-" Callie began just as Sofia returned, smiling warmly at Penny.

"Hey, how've you been Sofia?" Penny said as Sofia came in to hug her.

Callie felt sick to her stomach at the sight, knowing that Sofia was in the dark about their current relationship. Or lack thereof. She never was comfortable with Penny around her daughter, in any case.

"Good! My mommy and I came back and we all live here now!" the young girl said proudly.

Penny's eyes flicked almost imperceptibly up to Callie's and she caught a warning glare coming straight at her. Recognizing the situation, she pivoted effortlessly.

"That's great, I'm so happy for you. You've got two amazing moms, huh?" Penny answered, smiling up at Callie.

Callie, face stone cold, wrapped a guarding arm around her daughter's shoulder and began to guide her away, saying, "Sof, I forgot to grab some chips to go with our pizza, could you go pick some out? I'll meet you up front."

Sofia bounded away, waving goodbye to Penny as she disappeared around a corner. Callie watched and made sure she was fully gone before rounding on Penny.

"What are you doing here?" Callie whispered, thick with disdain.

"Callie, I live here, we're going to run into each other," Penny replied cautiously.

"No, you live in Bushwick. That's where she lives, right? The attending you fucked to spite me?" Callie scoffed.

Seeing Penny shrink, she continued, "What was her name, Sarah? Susan? Sandra? God, how does this keep happening to me!" she gritted as she rubbed her temples and closed her eyes.

"Are we seriously having this out right here? Callie, you told me you never wanted to see me again! What is that even supposed to mean if not 'Go find somewhere else to sleep'?"

"It was a fight, Penny, people have fights, sometimes," Callie stated coldly.

"Wow, god, I forgot you think 'sometimes' is a euphemism for anytime someone looks the other way." Penny shook her head, dumbfounded. "You know what? I'm not doing this with you, because I know you have a hot date with a bottle later tonight and I wouldn't want you to be late," Penny muttered, turning away.

Callie's blood turned to ice and she turned to face the freezer, her fist resting against her mouth the only thing keeping her from losing it in that instant.

As she looked back and took in her ex-girlfriend's face, Penny recognized the expression from so many nights after Sofia went back to Seattle. In spite of everything, Penny found herself feeling nothing but pity for the woman who had almost ruined the greatest opportunity of her career.

Penny rubbed her eyes and pinched the bridge of her nose. "Listen, Callie, I'm glad you have Sofia back, but I hope you get some help."

The younger woman turned the corner just as a tear ran down Callie's cheek. She stood listless for a while, trying to ground herself with the cool air and the sounds of fridges humming around her. She quickly wiped her cheek as she grabbed a pizza and walked in the opposite direction towards the registers.

"No, seriously, Teddy, if you had seen her, you would know what I mean," Arizona assured. "Like, it was the same vibe, but so much hotter somehow?"

"I've seen her before, Arizona, I know what she looks like!" Teddy laughed as she rolled her eyes. "I get it, though, It's been a long time. Did it feel weird being in person together after so long?"

Arizona brought a chip to her lips and paused. "I mean, yes, but also no? I was nervous, maybe I'm reading into everything too much," she said as she crunched down. She was still mostly surrounded by boxes, but she had unpacked the kitchen and part of her bedroom and was now snacking as she debriefed with Teddy on Facetime.

"She was kind of hot and cold, so maybe she was nervous, too. We were texting a lot leading up to the move. Maybe, now that I'm here, she's not feeling the same?"

"Hot and cold? How do you mean?" Teddy asked. Teddy was secretly rooting so hard for her two good friends to pull their heads out of their asses and work it out, but she was skeptical that they could pull it off if they didn't have some serious conversations about their past issues. She had gotten to know Arizona especially well during her time in Seattle, and while she loved her dearly, she knew Arizona needed to rebuild her relationship with Callie from the ground up if they were ever going to make it work and last.

"Well, there was a moment when my prosthetic was acting up and she helped me stand, and I thought I might just die in her arms right then, but I brought up my leg later and she kinda broke down." said Arizona, wincing at the memory.

Teddy gaped. "Robbins, what did you say to her?"

"All I said was 'leg stuff'! I didn't know I couldn't mention legs to her anymore, she used to be a big fan," Arizona huffed. She joked, but it really pained her to see Callie so heartbroken about this after such a long time. She was hoping it would be sweeter, seeing her, especially since they had been getting along so well over the phone. Maybe some nervous flirting, some longing glances exchanged, nothing like the downpour she had witnessed.

"That is... very weird. And she cried?"

"Wept in my arms. But then the moment she was done, she basically ran across the park to get away from me. I just don't get it." Arizona confessed, sighing exhaustedly. They had comforted each other before, even after the divorce. She couldn't understand why Callie had reacted to this so differently.

Teddy thought back on friends of hers, old buddies from her time in Afghanistan. She remembered how they would smile, the way it never quite looked right, and how the guilt of what they had done ate away at them until they had died. Sometimes, they would beg forgiveness, from their brothers in arms, from their families, from their gods. She did too, the hospital chapel had always felt like a refuge to her. But most often, they were gone behind the eyes before they even got the call to come home. Their family would lovingly greet and embrace a stranger, and that stranger would spend the rest of their life trying to reintegrate into a world that they no longer recognized.

"Maybe she's having a hard time at work?" Teddy suggested, trying not to make assumptions based on the extremity of her experiences.

"Maybe," said Arizona, unconvinced.