Chapter 5 - Throwing Good After Bad

Peeking through thick blackout curtains and dappling the room in a warm glow, rays of sunshine found a way to shine directly down onto Callie's closed eyelids as a part of what was clearly a targeted attack upon her psyche. She was not, and had never been, a fan of mornings, though she'd had to learn to tolerate them for the sake of her career. Today, however, was her off day.

It wasn't that she hated morning time, exactly, but the transition from "asleep" to "awake" was one that Callie had never quite mastered. Coffee was like a bandaid on a bullet wound, but at least it was a delicious band aid. She scrunched her nose at the gross analogy her brain conjured and flopped to the other side of the bed, trying and failing to escape the villainous light. She groaned in annoyance and reached blindly for the pillow beside her head, smashing the downy thing against her face. The relief was instantaneous and wonderful and the darkness around her pulled her back toward the edge of sleep. There was almost enough time for her to slip back down before her alarm went off. Almost.

Her body was screaming in surprise as her mind registered the sound shattering her eardrums, shortly before she realized it was her alarm, coming from her phone on the bedside table.

She let out a growl in frustration and threw her security pillow across the room, allowing the sun to fully blind her through her eyelids momentarily. She sat up slowly, eyes still closed, and grabbed her phone, hitting every single button her fingers could find in order to escape the grating sound. Running a hand through her hair and yawning, she finally cracked one eye open to check her notifications.

A sleepy grin burst forth as she read Arizona's name at the top of the screen, a text from a couple hours ago, and she considered just how insane it was that the blonde actually felt alive in the morning every single day. She unlocked her phone to read.

I'm up! What's the plan with Sof?

Her thumbs went quickly to work shooting back a text.

Sorry jsut woke up

A bit too quickly, apparently.

*just

Callie was already typing a second message when her phone chimed in her hands.

I figured :) Nice typing, Calliope

The brunette felt her face heat up at this tiny hint of teasing. She finished up her message, tapping more carefully now, and hit send, choosing not to engage.

There's a cafe I've been meaning to try in Hell's Kitchen, I can send you the address.

A moment passed before a ping went off and she read.

Maybe copy and paste it, so your thumbs don't send me across town lol

God, she was not letting up. Callie's cheeks were fully reddened at this point - it really didn't take much to fluster her, certainly not much when it came to Arizona. Thankfully, texting allowed her both the time to think of a good reply and the privacy to blush without observation from piercing blue eyes. She couldn't help but snort as she typed back.

Wow, rude :P And to think, I was considering buying you coffee for the trouble of travelling sooo far...

Your thumbs are great and infallible, is what I meant to say, of course

Her fingers hesitated before they tapped up her next message, hovering over the send button for an extra moment before she finally made the decision to press down.

Very cute, great save. Meet there in 2 hours?

Can't wait :)

Upon reading the final message from Arizona, Callie let a smile fully split her face, sighing dreamily and falling back against her pillows. The peace was short lived as she felt the beginnings of a headache radiate outward from her temples. Not wanting any physical sensation to get in the way of the day ahead of her, she grabbed some pills from the drawer of her bedside table and choked them down dry. Then, she finally got up and began to walk over to her bathroom to get ready before Sofia woke up, an uncharacteristic spring in her step.

Looking in the mirror, for the first time in months, she was actually pleased with herself. This week with Sofia had been so busy, what with adjusting to her new (old?) routine, she hadn't had any time to wallow in self-pity. She still had cravings here and there, of course, but she was able to hold them at bay with the comforting reality of her daughter safe under her roof, with the added pressure of making sure she didn't do anything to endanger her. Sure, there were still times when the nightmares would wake her, and she'd found herself in total darkness in a pool of sweat and fighting against her tangled blankets for some relief from the cloying damp. And when she had remembered the details of those dreams, she had needed to count her breaths for a solid half hour before she could finally let herself weep at the profound magnitude of her emptiness.

But it's happening less, she reminded herself, and less is still an improvement.

Two options presented themselves for Callie's outfit and she had a bit of trouble choosing. The first was a loose, sleeveless black blouse with a keyhole neckline, which she could wear with a pair of light blue jeans and her most comfortable pair of black heeled sandals. The light jeans she enjoyed especially for the way they accentuated the depth of her tan. Her other choice was a tight, cropped maroon tank top and a light, flowy black skirt that stopped midcalf and had a slit going up one side to her just above her knee. This second outfit would show quite a bit more skin, and is normally what she would have chosen, but she wasn't sure if she would look overdressed - or more likely, underdressed - for a simple trip to the museum.

She pursed her lips and narrowed her eyes as her gaze flicked between the two outfits, pondering the impact she wanted to have on her ex-wife, and she decided that maybe she ought to save the second outfit for a sexier occasion. After finishing up curling her hair she put on some mascara and a shimmery nude lip gloss, rubbing her lips together and running her middle finger along the edge to clean up the gloss outside her lip line.

Just as she was running her fingers through her dark curls to add a bit of volume, she heard small muffled footsteps bounding down the hall and growing louder outside her bedroom door, and then the knock of a tiny hand. The door opened as Callie walked out of her bathroom and she saw Sofia, already dressed and holding her backpack.

"Hi, baby girl, I was gonna come wake you up!" Callie grinned, her eyebrows exaggerating an expression of surprise.

"I was too excited, so I got ready myself!"

"Wow, you're good at mornings like Mommy, huh?" Callie said, placing a kiss on the top of Sofia's head.

"Yeah, I am!" Sofia beamed, "She could teach you to be good at them, too," Sofia said innocently, looking up into her mother's eyes.

Furrowing her brow, Callie knelt down to pull Sofia into a tight hug to hide the concern that crossed her face. She had been so caught up in the excitement of seeing Arizona again, she hadn't considered how confusing this could be for their daughter, who had already witnessed the end of her mothers' marriage once before, including the awful breakdown full of screaming and crying and deafening silence. She had even gotten to know girlfriends in the intervening time since then, growing attached and then watching them leave one by one. She didn't want to give Sofia false hope for her moms getting back together. Beyond that, though, she didn't want to give herself false hope.

"I... Maybe, I'll ask her. She's a good teacher," she said as she pulled back from the embrace, looking over her daughter and smoothing her brown hair. "Do you need to grab anything else? All ready to go?"

"Yep!" said Sofia, and with that she turned and ran for the front door. Callie grabbed her purse and followed close behind.

The sounds of grinding coffee and steaming milk nearly overpowered the music that played as Arizona sat at a table near the front window. She leaned back, sipping her coffee and trying not to check her phone every ten seconds, opting instead to peek out the window beside her to survey every inch of sidewalk within her vision. She had arrived about half an hour before Callie had asked her to, partially because she still wasn't quite sure how long it actually took to get around the city, and so her perception of the distance had been off by a country mile, and partially because she simply did not want to sit at home twiddling her thumbs any longer. Arizona had done enough twiddling in the time it took professional sleepyhead Callie to wake up, and she was twiddled out.

She took a bite of her croissant, savoring the flavor, and heard the song change over the speakers. She recognized the soft guitar and piano almost instantly and paused her chewing, lifting her ear as if to confirm she wasn't imagining, though she knew she wasn't. Then she heard the singing begin.

Me puedo imaginar pero no sé cómo se siente

I can imagine, but I don't know how it feels

Que el mundo se detenga cuando acarician mi piel

They say the world stops turning when they caress my skin

Arizona chewed her croissant as quietly as she could, trying to appear emotionless as the familiar song went on. When she had first started dating Callie, she'd had what she would now consider an incredibly dorky idea, which was to try to learn some Spanish using music as a cute surprise. She had searched the internet pretty extensively, specifically trying to find lesbian or bisexual female singers. Little did she know, the same reason her girlfriend had faced so much resistance coming out to her family was the reason why many Latin artists avoided coming out altogether.

Que las manos del reloj no giren si no está presente

That the hands of the clock don't turn if they aren't present

Dicen que es tan suave y dulce, y fluye como miel

They say that its so soft and sweet, and flows like honey

Arizona had spent hours each day, listening to music, singing along. Although she'd enjoyed every song she heard from this duo, she had fallen in love with one song above all else. A song that, on a night when Callie and Arizona had danced up a storm in the living room, exhausted to the point of near collapse, she had played, and had become the very first slow dance they ever shared

¿Cuánto tiempo tardará? ¿O no es para todos?

How much time will it take? Or is it not for everyone?

¿Por qué de mí se esconderá? ¿Dónde está?

Why does it hide from me? Where is it?

She remembered the look in Callie's eyes as the lyrics washed over her. She remembered the feeling of being held by, and holding, this woman who was able to shock her system in ways no one ever had, with as little as a passing glance. She remembered the look of love that had crossed Callie's face, and the warmth that had spread through her chest, before either of them had been able to name it.

Quiero amar y sin pensar entregarlo todo

I want to love and give it all without thinking

Quiero que mi corazón intercambie su lugar con el de alguien especial

I want my heart to trade places with that of someone special

Arizona was pulled out of the memory as she heard the door to the cafe open. She looked over to see Callie's eyes already meeting hers, a small smile growing on the brunette's face.

She saw an arched brow quirk and Callie looked up for a moment before looking back down at Arizona. Then she saw recognition cross those brown eyes as the song continued to play. Sofia ran over to Arizona and clung to her, but her mothers were unable to tear their gaze from one another across the crowded room. Arizona slowly returned the smile, raising an eyebrow knowingly, and Callie broke out in the biggest, most beautiful grin she had ever laid eyes on.

Quiero despertar, te quiero encontrar, y me quiero enamorar

I want to awaken, I want to find you, and I want to fall in love

"Hey, I was gonna get that for you," Callie said, nodding toward the coffee and pastry as she walked over and took a seat across from Arizona. The smell of perfume overwhelmed Arizona's senses momentarily as her ex-wife entered her orbit and she felt her heart flutter weakly in her chest. Callie rested her elbow on the table in front of her, her chin in her hand, and her eyes seemed to see directly into her. She knew words were going to fail her if those brown eyes kept looking at her like this, so she tried to throw a few out into the air in the vain hope that she wouldn't need to use many more.

"I'm sure you'll come up with another way to make it up to me," Arizona smiled sweetly, before she realized what she had said and her eyes widened. Her face was on fire so she quickly continued, looking pointedly away from the small expression of shock that passed over her ex-wife's face. "So, what's this project you have, little girl?"

Sofia shared a sly smile with Callie, then turned back toward her other mother, "It's a surprise."

Arizona looked back up into those dark eyes and gave a questioning look.

"It's a surprise!" shrugged Callie, trying to hide her smile behind feigned nonchalance as she reached across the table, stealing a sip of Arizona's coffee. "Ooh, that's good," she mumbled, taking a long drink.

"Okay, now you seriously owe me a coffee," Arizona scolded playfully. Callie looked up through her eyelashes as she paused her sipping and Arizona actually felt her heart stop beating in her chest. Rolling her eyes and smiling sheepishly, Callie set the now-half-empty mug down and got up from her seat.

"Hot chocolate, Sof?"

"And a croissant!" Sofia answered.

"Okay, and one coffee," Callie said as she met Arizona's eyes, raising a teasing brow. When the brunette turned and headed toward the cash register, Arizona finally felt like she could breathe. She inhaled shakily and tried to inject some excitement into her voice as she looked over to Sofia, who had gotten a notebook out from her backpack and begun writing.

"How's school been?" Arizona said, hoping she didn't sound as nervous about the answer as she felt.

"Good!" said Sofia, without looking up from her notebook. What surprised Arizona most was that it looked like she actually meant it.

There had been weeks on end when Sofia hadn't even deigned to answer the question when they were back in Seattle. And, of course, there were the behavioral challenges that she couldn't begin to know how to address, besides simply scooping the girl into her arms and spending the day running her fingers through her hair while they watched movies. She had to give her daughter credit, she had been incredibly resilient during the chaos of the last few years in spite of everything, and as much as she had been hurting when her mothers were apart, now that she didn't have to choose between the two of them, she looked happier than ever.

"Sooooo, what's your project? Can I get a hint?" Arizona asked Sofia, teasingly. Sofia grinned but kept her eyes down on her paper, her lips pressed firmly closed. It looked like her daughter was determined to make her wait. She had one last card up her sleeve, and she slammed it down.

"Since when are you so good at keeping secrets from me? I'm your mom, I'm the one you tell all the secrets," Arizona pouted dramatically, laying the motherly guilt on thick.

"Arizona, are you serious right now? Trying to extract information from her behind my back?" Callie gasped in faux outrage as she appeared behind Arizona with two takeaway cups, setting one down in front of the blonde.

"It's okay, I didn't tell," Sofia said, putting her notebook back in her bag and slipping it over her shoulders. "Can we go now?"

"Yep, let's roll out," Callie agreed, clicking her tongue and pointing a thumb toward the door. Arizona huffed, shaking her head to herself, confused, but at the same time delighted at the thought of the two of them conspiring on something. She saw Callie hand the other takeaway cup to Sofia, along with the pastry in a paper bag.

"You didn't get coffee," Arizona said, but the end of her sentence rose in a question. Callie never went without coffee, not even when the only coffee available was the mud from the attendings' lounge. Caffeine was caffeine.

Callie looked up at her, the corners of her glossed lips curling up. She held the door open for Arizona as she stepped out onto the sidewalk and came to walk next to her, Sofia just a few feet in front leading the way. Arizona felt her shoulder brush Callie's and she had to hold back a shiver as their skin touched unexpectedly. She looked over just as Callie smiled softly back at her and put her hands in her pockets. They both continued to walk, and brown eyes flicked down as Callie took a breath before answering.

"I'm awake enough without it."

The three of them walked in comfortable silence for the most part. Callie and Arizona passed the time chatting about how Sofia had been in the past week, about the weather, about work, about nothing at all. Callie's heart was still recovering from hearing that song in the cafe. The memories had hit her like a sack of bricks straight to the gut, flashes of blue eyes looking up at her with utter devotion, strong yet delicate fingers holding her waist and stroking the back of her neck as they swayed to the music in the dim light of Callie's living room.

She had never told Arizona, but after that dance she had excused herself to the bathroom and cried, freaking out at how fast she was falling, scared that she was signing herself up to be disappointed like so many times before. Sharp stabbing pain had exploded out of her chest from the overpowering fullness she felt when Arizona looked at her, when she smiled at her with those dimples, or when she laughed at her jokes.

Callie had always been the one doing the pursuing in the past, and to have someone not only pursue her, but look at her like she was the only woman who had ever lived, had delighted and terrified her in equal measure.

She couldn't get the image of Arizona's eyes glimmering out of her head, the way they drank in her reaction as their song played in the cafe. Thankfully, she saw the pier in the distance and knew that Arizona would be distracting herself looking at plenty of other things in just a minute.

Callie turned to covertly watch the blonde as the three of them approached the ship. As they finally made it to the sign, Sofia whipped around and beamed at Arizona.

"Surprise! It's a ship!" she exclaimed. Arizona made a face and laughed a bit, still not quite sure what was happening.

"Uh... Yes, it is?" Arizona said, looking to Callie for answers and only getting a cheeky grin in return. "What about it?"

"Mom, it's a battleship," Sofia enunciated, clearly exasperated. She looked to Callie for assistance before turning back to Arizona. "I have a history project, this is a history museum."

Callie saw blue eyes widen and sparkle, finally realizing, and she released a breath she hadn't noticed she'd been holding. She really thought it would have been more obvious as they were nearly in spitting distance, and she was worried that she had overestimated her ex-wife's continued interest in the subject. Thankfully, Arizona looked like she was going to start bouncing and run off to the entrance, but instead she looked over at the brunette with so much unbridled joy, her dimples appearing like magic, that Callie felt her soul melting.

Arizona redirected her smile to Sofia and she gave her a big hug, the young girl looking relieved that the secret had come to an end. The three of them walked to the door, the giddy energy seeming to have transferred from Callie and Sofia directly to Arizona.

"We're gonna make this report so good, your teacher's going to make you the teacher," Arizona assured as they walked inside the glass doors. Growing serious all of a sudden, the blonde placed a hand on Sofia's shoulder and looked down at her gravely. "When you're looking around in there, there's gonna be a lot of information, lots of facts to organize and make sense of, but the important thing you need to remember is that hist-"

"History is written by the victors," both Callie and Sofia interrupted, having heard the quote hundreds of times in Arizona's rambles. Arizona frowned for just a moment before seeing a smile break out on Callie's face and matching it with her own.

Callie watched as Arizona and Sofia made their way through the museum, stopping at different exhibits and talking excitedly about the different technological advancements and historical artifacts on display all around them. It wasn't as interesting as watching Arizona bite her lower lip and furrow her brows in concentration as she watched the informative videos or read object labels, or seeing her trail her delicate fingers along the fuselage of a small plane that somehow fit on a freaking boat.

The two of them made beelines from display to display, and Arizona seemed to be having more fun than Sofia despite the amount of interactive exhibits for kids. They sat on benches intermittently to write down notes while Callie continued to wander around more slowly, taking in all of the information.

While the history aspect wasn't very compelling, Callie found all the tech cool beyond belief, and spent quite a bit of time with Sofia on the flight simulators trying to see if her fallback career should be supersonic jet pilot. After some time, they had decided to take a breather while Sofia added to her notes, and Callie sat with her trying to keep her head from falling off her body. She had spent far more time than recommended in the g-force simulator, and the vertigo was coming on in waves. Arizona looked back at her from where she was standing, watching a short documentary on the history of the USS Intrepid on a wall-mounted screen, and beckoned Callie over.

She strode forward and stood next to the blonde woman. They both directed their focus to the TV before them as the video continued playing, until Arizona turned to face Callie.

"This was a nice surprise," Arizona whispered, her eyes flicking down nervously.

"I know, ya dork. I can't believe you almost ruined it," Callie answered quietly, swatting Arizona's arm. "Thank God Sofia has some loyalty."

After the sentence ended, there weren't enough words to encapsulate the silent waves of emotion that crashed over them, so they just stared at the screen, neither of them wanting to move, or even breathe loud enough to be heard by the other. There was a profound pain that was wound up tightly within the shy pleasure of being so close after so long. Like even if they really tried, if they reached out to touch the feeling, it would collapse and explode into a million pieces. Like if they forgot for even a moment how they got here, they were already goners. Arizona broke the silence.

"I've missed you," she breathed, unable to hold back the quaver in her voice.

Callie's eyes flicked down to her feet as she bit her lip and she shook her head, mostly to herself.

Arizona stared at her for what felt like years, her blue eyes seeking out reassurance that Callie was exhausted with providing after years of this.

"I tried not to. I really did," Callie muttered, a humorless laugh escaping under her breath. She inhaled shakily and continued. "Listen, I didn't want to get into this today. This is supposed to be fun. Can we just be Sofia's moms right now?" she said, sending a pleading look to Arizona.

For all her faults, the blonde woman pressed her lips together and nodded.

The day continued as it had - as it should have - and Sofia got a lot of good notes that she'd be able to use to create a detailed report. Callie had slipped back into observing Arizona as she and Sofia talked excitedly, but their earlier conversation had filled her with a sense of dread that she couldn't shake. Once the dread faded, it was slowly replaced by bitterness.

How did she think it would be that easy? Did she think I would just fall into her arms? Because, what, we texted smiley faces to each other?

Like clockwork, the bitterness was overtaken by the true, unrelenting sorrow and loneliness that undercut so much of their relationship. She was once again alienated by the implicit assertion that they were fine, that she was fine, and that they could fix it if they just believed hard enough, as if belief wasn't the only thing she'd been able to cling to through the worst of it.

She wanted to scream into her own face for letting herself believe for one second that Arizona wasn't still wrapped up in a universe built for one, putting her own thoughts and plans above all else and to the detriment of everyone who made the mistake of getting too close. She had always been something of a womanizer, but at least the women she only fucked got the closure of her leaving. Callie felt like she was caught in a web and Arizona would do anything if it meant she would go back to hanging on her every word and treating it like gospel.

Oh, but I'm the one who can't stand to be alone.

Callie tried her best not to let the hurt show on her face, but she caught herself staring blankly out into space more than a few times over the hours, Sofia's giggle pulling her out of her head every so often. She couldn't say for sure if she was even thinking in those moments, by the time she came back to herself, she forgot where her mind had gone. Arizona tried to make eye contact with her a couple times after the first hour, but she eventually seemed to realize that no one would be looking to see any of her many apologetic glances, and Callie couldn't help but feel grateful when she finally gave up.

Midday turned to afternoon turned to early evening, time going by so quickly for a distracted Callie that she missed much of it. They left the museum together, all exhausted after the day they'd had. Sofia yawned and her eyes began to droop as they made their way to the street to hail cabs. The plan was for Sofia to go home with Arizona, since her room had been set up and all of her things moved into their right places.

Arizona held her hand out and a yellow cab slowed as it pulled up to the curb. Sofia turned to Callie, grabbing her hand, and in a sleepy voice that crushed her heart, she said, "Can you come home with us?"

Callie's gaze flicked to Arizona, whose expression was unreadable. She would walk to Seattle and back on two broken legs if it meant she could see Sofia, so she felt like there was only one real option.

"If Mommy's okay with it. She might be tired," Callie said, still studying the blonde's face. The fog dissipated from Arizona's eyes and she cleared her throat abruptly.

"Of course, it's okay," she struggled to keep her voice light as she got the words out.

"We can put on a movie, but only if you promise to finish up your homework tomorrow," Arizona conceded. She felt like she was too soft on Sofia a lot of the time, but she had been such an easy kiddo after the obvious hurdle of her birth, and the miracle of her life still left Arizona feeling stunned and so unbelievably lucky that she couldn't help but give her exactly what she wanted. Sofia beamed as she took up residence on the couch, flipping through channels and streaming services to find something to watch.

Callie stood awkwardly by the kitchen counter, unsure of where in this apartment she might feel the least uncomfortable. Arizona walked over to open a cupboard, pulling out a bottle and two glasses.

"...Wine?" she asked, hesitantly.

"Y-yeah," Callie replied, the nerves shaking in her voice.

They took their glasses and moved to the couch, sandwiching Sofia in between them as the opening for Ponyo began to play, and the little girl began to sing along as she became entranced by the film. Arizona couldn't focus on anything besides Callie's stiff posture - she was sitting upright, back straight, feet planted firmly on the ground. She stared long enough that she was able to confirm that Callie was, in fact, still breathing, though the rise and fall of her chest and the occasional blink were her only signs of life.

Swiveling to reach behind the couch, she grabbed a fluffy blanket and wordlessly passed it to Callie. Brown eyes met hers and she accepted it, spreading it out so she and Sofia were covered from the neck down. At this, Callie seemed to relax a bit and she scooted closer to Sofia, bringing her legs up and crossing them as she leaned back into the pillows. Arizona was about to reach for another blanket when Sofia held the edge out over her mom, spreading it across her lap, and pulled her in to use her arm as a pillow.

Arizona gently pulled the blanket up, making sure there was actually enough for her. Pulling her knee to chest, she let herself disappear under the soft weight and she gazed at the screen, hoping it would take her mind off things.

Sofia fell asleep around the halfway point in the movie, her legs spread out over Callie's lap and her head resting in Arizona's, propped up by one of the couch pillows. When they both realized she was asleep, the tension in the room rose, and both women found themselves making sidelong glances and praying that those milliseconds wouldn't align, that their eyes wouldn't meet.

They stayed like that until the end of the movie, finishing their wine as the credits were rolling. Arizona set her glass down softly on a side table, and moved to wake Sofia up. Before she could, Callie began to get up and lift Sofia, carrying her down the hall to what she could guess was her room, based on the decorations. Arizona opened her mouth to protest, but Callie quickly mouthed, "I got her," as she disappeared down the hall.

The blonde stood and grabbed the wine glasses, taking them to the kitchen and setting them in the sink. She stood their idle, taking in air to make up for the shortage in the past couple hours. She heard a door click shut and footsteps coming back toward her, so she tried to make herself look busy, washing the glasses by hand as she glanced down at her perfectly functional dishwasher.

She heard a chair scrape lightly across the floor and she looked back to see Callie sitting at the bar, watching her. She turned back to the glass as her pulse quickened, but she finished cleaning both cups, drying them with painstaking attention to detail as Callie looked on silently. When she finished, she swallowed hard before turning back to face those dark eyes. She didn't know what to say. She figured it couldn't get much worse, so honesty might help.

"I don't know what to say."

Callie continued to gaze at her, her brows slightly furrowed, so Arizona took a beat to find the right words.

"I... I want to prove myself to you. Prove that- that I want this to work. I tried so hard to feel free, to build a life without you, but there was no sound in it, and no color," Arizona said softly.

"Arizona..." Callie started, her eyes already welling up, "I... I can't do this. I thought I could, but it's too much."

The blonde woman watched in horror as the woman she loved stood and walked out of her apartment. No. No, no, no, absolutely not.

She ran out the door to catch up with Callie as she was exiting the building, grabbing her arm and stepping out into the cool night air. She had to catch her breath and her leg throbbed from the sudden exertion. She looked up at Callie and saw tears pouring down her face. Like muscle memory, she couldn't stop her hands from reaching up to soft tan cheeks, wiping the tears away with her shirt sleeve before Callie winced and jerked away, releasing a muffled sob into her arms. Arizona felt her heart ache in her chest at the sight.

"I never stopped loving you, Calliope. All I want is a chance. I will apologize every single day, if that's what you need."

Callie whipped around, her jaw set even as she continued to weep, "How many times will you tell me that? How many times can I get my hopes up?"

The questions hit Arizona like a slap in the face.

"Callie… you left me," Arizona seethed. "And then you had the fucking nerve to go on the stand and tell our friends and peers that I was a whore who never wanted a child. Our child. After you were the one who said I should adopt her. You told me I wasn't nothing, and then you let your lawyer tell me, and a jury, that I was."

"Arizona-"

"No, you know what? How dare you stand there and act like I was the sole arbiter of your misfortune. And then you text me to tell me you're single, and you call me "cute", and you give me that look, and I don't know what the hell you want from me!" Arizona's trembling voice rose as she let loose years of hurt.

"I don't know, either, okay?!" Callie snapped back, but the animosity drained from her almost immediately. She shook her head and felt a laugh die halfway past her lips as more tears coated her cheeks. "I just know that texting you felt good, but now it's real, and you're here, and I can't look at you without feeling like this is some sick cosmic joke, because this can't end well."

Arizona felt a lump in her throat, but the hint of tenderness she saw in those eyes spurred her on, and she trembled as she spoke.

"Tell me that the texting didn't mean anything. Honestly, tell me that you weren't the least bit excited to see me," Arizona whispered, her voice cracking as her own tears began to fall. "Tell me you don't want me, and I will back off."

"You know I can't!" Callie cried. "I've always wanted you! How can you even say that to me? After everything we did to each other, everything I did just to be with you? And then you threw it all away for a woman who said you had pretty eyes!" Callie whimpered as she let her head fall in her hands.

Arizona tried to steady her by the shoulders, but Callie's shuddering frame moved out of her grasp, leaning on the wall of the entryway as more sobs wracked through her.

"Let me fix it. Please, please, Callie, we can do this," Arizona wept, slowly stepping towards her. Brown eyes flicked up to meet hers and she felt electricity run between them.

"Don't look at me like that," the brunette choked, and she looked back down to her hands, "And, God, don't beg for me. It's not that simple and you know it." Callie began to wipe her cheeks dry, taking a gasping breath and trying to settle herself.

Once she was somewhat composed she looked over at Arizona to see tears still falling from perfect blue eyes. Callie turned to stare up into the night sky to avoid her gaze as she whispered, "We can't do this. It wouldn't be fair to Sofia."

With a sense of finality, she walked toward the street, and held a hand out for a taxi that pulled to a stop in front of her.

Arizona's face and resolve crumpled as her world crashed down around her.

"Calliope, please," she sobbed as she watched her ex-wife walk away from her once again, though it hurt more than ever this time.

Callie turned back as she opened the car door and gave her a vacant look.

"Let it go, Arizona."

A/N: Hi peeps! I haven't written an A/N in a bit. Hope you're enjoying this so far! I know it kinda sucks when I have Callie and Arizona not interacting with each other for long stretches, especially in the beginning, so I wanted this chapter to give yall something to go on so you can see what we're working with to start. Just trust that I have a plan for them :) I'm also planning on ways to incorporate other Grey's characters, but I don't want it to feel like they were just thrown in a scene like an afterthought, so I'm still mulling over interesting enough reasons to get them across the country. Also, sorry for the heart ouchies at the end there, and to think how cute it was at the start :') The song referenced is Me Quiero Enamorar by Jesse y Joy, its one of my fave songs! if you cant already tell from the title of the fic and each chapter being a Brandi Carlile song, music is a big inspiration for my writing, and i imagine characters a lot when i listen to music, so the connection between fics and songs is a no brainer for me. maybe ill make a playlist for yall! for everyones sanity tho, ill keep song lyrics (and any necessary lyric translations) to a minimum. or maybe you want more lyrics, in which case, let me know! Thank you for the reviews so far, I love seeing your thoughts as you read along!