Chapter 6 - What Can I Say

"... I've never done this either, but trust me. What's about to happen, you're gonna want to relive over and over."

Callie stared blankly at the screen from her spot splayed out on the couch as the video played, her finger circling the rim of the bottle she was clutching. Her chest heaved as Mark entered the frame, and she took a long swig to force the feelings clawing away at her insides back down. She had been lying here for hours, trying to find the will to go to bed, but she knew she would regret letting herself fall asleep after the day she'd had.

She was too drained to feel anything, even when she thought back to how beautiful Arizona had looked in the light spilling in through the coffeeshop windows, or how small she had seemed when she told her that she loved her, that she didn't want to live without her. She couldn't even muster a sense of pride at how flustered Arizona had clearly been when they first laid eyes on one another. She continued to gaze detached as Mark leaned in to kiss a younger version of her. A happier version.

"Mmm, one second!" young Callie said, smiling teasingly at the camera before tossing the pillow from behind her and knocking the camera down.

Callie always changed the video pretty shortly after this. There wasn't very much talking, obviously, and it was so muffled under the pillow that there wasn't much of anything to hear besides. At this point, though, she was not interested in making any move that didn't keep her securely horizontal, so she endured the quiet panting and moaning and squeaking coming through her speakers.

It surprised her a bit to realize that even this was something she could miss about Mark. Not the sex, but the way they were able to comfort each other when they had no one else.

The closeness she felt with him was unlike any she had with her other friends. He was the only one who would consistently make a point to reassure her, even when she knew that her feelings weren't rational. He was always on her side, but he knew when to gently nudge her in the right direction. He knew how to bring her down from panic the moment it happened. At the same time, he was constantly challenging her, always brutally honest when she had screwed up, and despite his horrendous dating history - if it could even be called "dating" - the advice he gave her tended to help her figure out what she needed to do when she was stuck too far in her own head to do much of anything.

Callie took another long drink of tequila, throat fluttering a bit at the burning sensation that she had long since learned to mostly ignore. I suppose I can thank Meredith for that, she scoffed to herself. After what seemed to be a long silence that had followed some particularly loud moaning on her part, she heard movement coming from the TV that sounded like rustling blankets.

All of a sudden, the black screen lit up to reveal a view of Mark's bedroom floor, where the camera lay on its side, facing his bedside table. She could see her own foot peeking off the bed near the top left corner of the screen, and it sounded like she was snoring. The frame moved until she saw Mark, furrowing his eyebrows into the camera and closely examining the device for signs of damage from the fall.

Callie's heart leapt into her throat and she pulled herself immediately and painfully upright, setting her bottle on the coffee table and leaning forward. She felt bile rising but swiftly forced it back down as her best friend grinned like an idiot on the screen.

"You ruined the video, but the sex knocked you out, so I think we can call it even," Mark chuckled as he whispered, looking back to make sure the figure behind him was still asleep. He placed the camera on top of his dresser and let it continue to record him as he sat gingerly on the edge of the bed. Slowly his expression grew serious, and he exhaled sharply. His eyes flicked back up to the camera with a small smile and began to speak.

"I know you're sad right now, Cal," Mark said quietly. "Well, not right now. Sleeping and whatnot," he laughed, looking back as video-Callie snorted, mumbling and rolling over in her comatose state.

She couldn't help but laugh with him, even as the tears clouded her vision. Mark cleared his throat and looked down.

"I'm sad, too. I miss Lexie," he mumbled. He brought the heel of his hand up to clumsily wipe his cheek. He quickly shook away the feeling and refocused on the camera.

"We're the two hottest people in Seattle, Torres. Probably the two hottest people in the country. It's gonna hurt for a while, but you'll find a new 'blondie', or whatever, because you're you. And I'll find a new 'Little Grey', because look at all this," he joked, flexing and showing off his chiseled pecs and abs, "I'm damn irresistible."

Callie's tears were flowing freely now, and she ached for how little time she had with him after this night - how quickly a year went by - and how little time he had with Lexie. She watched with rapt attention as Mark settled back on his hands.

"You're the best person I know, Callie. You show me how to be better, and I really suck at that sometimes, so I gotta give you props," he said.

"Maybe this is selfish, but I really hope you and Robbins can work it out, if only to catch you guys sneaking down the hall toward the on-call room together," he raised his eyebrows suggestively. He quickly put his hands up in surrender, as if anticipating Callie's reaction. "I know, gross, I'll stop!"

Leaning forward once again, he said, "We'll be okay, Cal. It'll all be okay."

Mark nodded and slapped his knees. Then he stood and stepped forward, blocking the lens with his hand, and the video cut out.

She was catatonic in front of the black screen for long enough that she sobered up slightly, much to her dismay. In one swift motion, she finished off the bottle of tequila and laid down, facing the back of the couch, her frame shuddering as she cried for her friend.

6 months ago

Callie was lost in thought as she walked down the hall toward her first consult of the day. She hadn't slept well last night since Penny had been paged into work around 4 in the morning, after she herself had finally made it in around 1 a.m. and collapsed. They'd had a bit of a disagreement about it, Callie claiming Penny should leave her pager under her pillow so it wouldn't blast noise into the entire bedroom, Penny stating that she couldn't afford to muffle the sound of the device and risk missing any pages. They had reached an impasse and both of them left the apartment for the day tired and frustrated with one another.

"You're just a fellow, Penny! If you miss a page, you'll get stuck with scut, big fucking whoop. If I don't sleep, I'll screw up and lose my job. And no offense, but your job doesn't pay the bills."

She cringed at the memory of the snide comment she had made, realizing her exhaustion had made her reaction way meaner, and more upset than she actually felt. She anxiously checked her phone for any notifications as she walked and saw one from Arizona.

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She perked up as she opened the message to see a picture of Sofia, holding up a poster that she had made for school. On the thick cardstock paper was a tree, one of the really simple ones that kids draw, where the leaves are one big ball of cotton, and the trunk is a rectangle going up into it. At the base was the name "Sofia Robbin Sloan-Torres".

She inhaled sharply, stepping to the side of the hall to take a seat on a bench. She didn't trust herself to remain standing. Above Sofia's name were three names - Callie, Arizona, and Mark. Branching off from Callie and Mark respectively were Penny and Lexie. She had drawn small hearts around the bubbles that contained Mark and Lexie's names, and Callie felt a lump in her throat.

After Mark died, Arizona and Callie had struggled with how to explain death to their daughter, who had only been one year old, but still had some memories and saw pictures of Mark and Lexie all around the house. Years later, and after a lot of discussion about what she could or couldn't comprehend about her father being gone forever, they decided to tell her that his body had to go, but that he left his love here on earth with Sofia so she would always feel him in her heart. Sofia was old enough now to understand death beyond platitudes, but she had never stopped drawing the hearts.

She let her eyes wander to her ex-wife standing beside Sofia in the picture. She had let her hair grow out and loosely-curled blonde strands that were once face-framing were now tucked behind one ear. It looked like she had gotten a new ear piercing, a stud sparkling up on her helix . Callie's mouth ran dry as images of teeth against the pale skin flashed in her mind before she could even think to block them out. She had stopped letting these intrusions bother her after a while. She had to. There was nothing she could do about all of the memories wrapped up in Arizona. Besides, Callie had Penny, and it was so easy to be with her, even if it sometimes felt like they were children playing "house". And Arizona... she probably had someone, too, and she deserved to be happy, although when Callie thought too hard about it, it felt like the walls were closing in on her.

She was just glad that they had been able to reconcile after the custody trial. Glad was a safe, uncomplicated feeling. Reconciliation was a safe, uncomplicated territory.

She looked back to her daughter and brushed a stray tear out of her eye, and her chest swelled with pride. She sent a short text back before standing up and heading over to the room her consult was waiting in, hoping her demeanor was professional, not like the proud mama bear who just cried in the hall over a poorly drawn tree. She knocked lightly on the door before entering.

Laying upright in bed and staring unblinkingly out the window was a teenage girl. Her thick dark brown hair was pulled out of her face in a loose bun, and the rich bronze skin of her face had freckles that constellated her nose and cheeks. She didn't react as Callie stepped into the room.

"Hello, Isabella?"

The girl didn't move, but Callie saw her lip twitch and her nostrils flare almost imperceptibly. She ignored the girl's moodiness and stepped forward, pulling up a rolling stool and settling in it next to the bed.

"My name is Dr. Torres. I need to check on your leg to see how it's healing. Can I lift the blanket to take a look?"

Isabella slowly turned her head back until she was facing the wall in front of her. She looked down towards Callie and nodded warily. As gingerly as she could, Callie lifted the blanket to reveal the external fixator on Isabella's thigh. She took a close look at the incision sites to ensure there was no infection, examining the skin surrounding , and then she took down some notes in her chart.

"It looks like you're healing well. We need to get some x-rays to be sure, but we should be able to schedule you for surgery in the next few weeks."

Isabella shook her head slightly, rolling her eyes. "Fine," she muttered. Callie reached out and took the girl's hand between her own.

"Isabella, this is my whole job. This is what I do every day, and not to brag, but I'm told I'm awesome at it," she said.

"Good for you," the girl grumbled.

"Alright, sourpuss, let's get you down to x-ray," Callie chuckled as she began to wheel the bed out of the room.

She took Isabella to radiology and was thankful to see that the scans confirmed her intuition. When she shared the good news with Isabella, she seemed to relax, but she maintained her huffy disposition almost in protest of Callie's confidence.

God, I hope Sofia doesn't get like this when she's a teen.

As they got on the elevator to head back up to Isabella's room, Callie's phone began to buzz in her pocket. She pulled it out and saw it was from Penny. She frowned, confused, but answered.

"Hey, baby, what's up? Are you okay?"

"Hey, I just got a break in my day and I wanted to talk to you. I hate how we left things this morning," Penny said.

"I know, ugh, I'm so sorry," Callie winced. "Being tired makes me evil, but that's no excuse."

"No, Callie, I'm sorry. You got home so late, and I could have been more understanding. We both work awful schedules. It's hard enough without adding to it," Penny admitted, sighing into the receiver.

"Well, the good news is that we can both be sorry, but I promise I'll make it up to you," Callie said. "You're off on Thursday, right? We can go check out that spot in K-town we've been meaning to try?"

"It's a date. Okay, I gotta go! Love you."

"Love you, too," Callie hung up just as the elevator doors slid open. She began to wheel Isabella down the hall when she looked down and saw her staring back up with eyes wide, a mixture of awe and fascination on her face. Callie furrowed her brows.

"You alright, grumpypants?"

"Are you gay?" Isabella blurted. She smacked a hand over her mouth, as if unable to believe she'd let the thought escape the safety of her head. Her cheeks turned an intense shade of red and she flipped her face toward her pillow, hiding every inch of her face that she could without moving her leg.

Callie couldn't help but laugh. She finally made it to Isabella's room and got the bed situated back against the wall. The girl was still looking tense and shy, so she took a seat in one of the chairs across from the bed. Isabella moved her hands from her face and stared at the ceiling pointedly.

"I'm bisexual. I'm dating a woman. Why do you ask?"

Isabella paused in thought before answering. "What does your family think?"

Callie pursed her lips and inhaled. She had been in contact with her dad pretty recently. Things between them had been great in the last few years, and business brought him to the city often enough that he had even been able to spend time with Sofia a couple months ago. He always came alone, though.

The last time she had spoken to her mom had been the day before she and Arizona had gotten married. Her mind reeled a bit at the realization that it had been seven years since she had heard from the woman who raised her. The woman she idolized.

She hadn't seen Aria in even longer, her older half-sister had stopped reaching out after she and Arizona first started dating, and after years of trying to get her to respond with no such luck, Callie had been forced to give up. They all still lived in Miami, and she hadn't had the occasion, let alone the nerve, to visit.

"My dad is my biggest supporter," Callie confessed, looking down, "but my mom and my sister don't talk to me anymore."

Isabella visibly drooped, staring intensely at her hands, and Callie felt the need to continue.

"They aren't my only family, though," she said, trying to meet Isabella's eyes. "I have a daughter, Sofia, and she's my whole world," she beamed. "She lives in Seattle with her other mom right now, my ex-wife. I'm surrounded by friends who love me for who I am. I'm not alone by any means." Callie scanned her patient's face and tried to gauge Isabella's thoughts. Then, she realized.

"Who's the girl?" she asked.

Isabella's face shifted back to a deep blush as she looked away.

"What's her name? Is she pretty? Are you as much of a grumpus to her as you are to the doctor trying to fix your leg?" Callie wiggled her eyebrows as she badgered the girl in a singsong voice.

"Shut up, oh my god!" Isabella groaned, unable to wipe the smile off her face.

"Oh, you've got it bad," Callie hooted, "Well, now you have to tell me all about her."

Isabella tried and failed to hide the pink bubble that had taken up residence in her aura. She took a deep breath before she answered.

"Her name is Allison, but I call her Al. She calls me Bel," she played with the blanket on her lap as she spoke. "We met playing soccer in middle school. She got pissed when she couldn't defend against me, and one day she just kicked the ball up in my face as hard as she could," she laughed. "My lip was so busted I had a lisp for a week, but she felt so awful. She came to me crying after practice with an icepack and I ended up comforting her," she said, shaking her head. "We've been best friends since then, but last year..." she tapered off, the glimmer in her eyes doing the talking for her.

"She sounds like a keeper," Callie said. Frowning, she added, "Minus the soccer ball to the face. Assuming that was a one time deal?"

"Just the once," Isabella chuckled. "To be fair, she really sucked at defense."

"Isabella Magdalena Rosales Huerta, I have been calling you for over an hour."

Callie watched Isabella's smile drop in an instant as an older woman entered the room, and she could have sworn she saw her patient shrink in on herself under the cold stare. The woman's light blue dress shirt was pressed just as crisply as her black pencil skirt, and she carefully set her purse on one of the chairs, walking over to the side of the bed and crossing her arms. Isabella offered an apologetic look to the older woman.

"Sorry, mamá, my phone's on the table. I think it died," she said.

The woman's eyes softened a bit and she placed a hand on Isabella's shoulder. "Not your best excuse."

Callie stood and crossed the room, reaching out her hand. "Hello, I'm Dr. Torres. I'm the orthopedic surgeon assigned to your daughter's team."

She felt the woman take her hand in a firm handshake, her grip strength competing closely with that of the hands that built legs, like God. "Teresa Huerta. I'm her mother," the woman said.

Callie's eyes flicked over to Isabella for barely a second, and saw the girl tense under her mother's hand. As Teresa removed it, she visibly relaxed and drew a breath in. Callie returned her attention to her hand and the woman attached to it.

"It's great to meet you, and perfect timing." Callie moved to open the door and held it open. "If you could come with me, I can give you an update on Isabella." She chanced a look back at her patient, whose relief for the distraction seemed to seep from every pore as she mouthed "thank you".

"Very well. I don't have all day, so let's make it quick," Teresa spoke, her deep voice commanding even in its most neutral tone. She walked through the door and Callie directed her toward one of the small conference rooms just down the hall.

"I'll be right there."

Once Teresa had entered and closed the door, she stuck her head back into Isabella's room.

"You okay?"

"Yeah, she's just... a lot."

"Okay good, because you have to tell me more about this girl later. I gotta make sure she won't break your other leg when she sees you score a goal," she teased.

Isabella grinned. "Fine."

Present day

Arizona was riding the high of a successful surgery as she stepped out of the emergency exit doors to a small portion of roof. The door's hinges were rusted, but even with her off-kilter center of gravity, Arizona was able to force it open. She knew by now that the alarm was broken, but she was happy to withhold her safety concerns if it meant that she could spend time looking down on the people who passed below. She knew that no one else came out here, and that no one could look down from above and see her as she leaned over the ledge. She approached her favorite spot, and she looked south, the entirety of Central Park sprawling out to her right, and the neighborhood to her left.

The streets were full, of course. They were always full. There wasn't a millisecond she could spend here in complete solitude - even though she could reach out and touch nothing and no one, if she screamed, someone could hear. Most of the ant-sized people passed in business attire, maybe a bit of business casual. Since they were by the hospital, she saw a couple people in scrubs. She grimaced at the sight of them wearing sanitary dress out in the dirty street, until she remembered she was in her own scrubs and white coat on the dirty roof.

She thought back to yesterday. To last night. She waited for something to happen to her, for her body to react in some way that could explain her complete loss of the control she had worked endlessly to build, years of sanity crumbling uselessly at the sight of Callie leaving. Again, she thought numbly, Third time's the charm, I guess.

It was the same way years of casual sex and detachment had been obliterated at the sight of a beautiful girl crying alone in a bathroom. The way her plans of Spain and sangria had become puffs of smoke when first she heard Sofia's heartbeat. The way "forever" had died when Callie walked out of therapy that last time. Gritting her teeth, she felt the beginnings of pressure on her chest. She looked down at the city below and wondered if anyone else, any one of the thousands of people around her, was as stupid as she was.

She pulled a box out of her pocket, tore off the plastic, removed the foil, and pulled out a cigarette. She placed the filter between her lips. Once the end was lit, she took a long drag.

Arizona and Dr. Herman sat at a table outside of a cafe, the horns of cars and the voices of passersby serving as the soundscape for their waiting. Pickles laid under the table, his head on his paws, and even he, in all his professionalism, seemed a bit jittery at the sheer amount of noise. Arizona knew she would have to thank Dr. Herman again for accommodating her need to be with her daughter in the city. Not immediately, though, because she was still a bit humiliated by how far away she was standing from her mentor when she had sniffed the air and wrinkled her nose.

"Hey, so sorry I'm late; the traffic was crazy. Transplants, am I right?"

Arizona smiled and turned toward the familiar and slightly-mocking raspy voice and stood to wrap her arms around her colleague, whom she hadn't seen in far too long. Addison returned the hug and went to sit in the empty seat.

"You can whine about us all you want, Dr. Montgomery, but we're saving New Yorker babies, too," said Dr. Herman with a proud grin.

"I don't doubt that for a second," Addison said. "Seriously though, I'm glad you called. When Dr. Robbins told me about your plans for the center, I couldn't help but find a way to butt in."

Arizona was overjoyed. She had contacted Addison right after she and Dr. Herman were able to sign the lease on the last property they looked at, and it felt like everything was beginning to fall into place. She understood how gracious it was of the busy woman to fly out on such short notice, Arizona assumed she must have had to move quite a bit of her schedule around to find time for them, especially since she hadn't been able to give Addison very much notice before she asked her to travel cross-country. She was board-certified in so many specialties at this point, absolutely overflowing with expertise in maternal and fetal health, that it seemed crazier not to get her involved as soon as they could.

"We just wanted to go over the plan for the center with you. Staffing, facilities, you name it. We want to do this right and make sure we're covering the right bases," Arizona said. "And then, of course, maybe we could find a way to poach you along the way..." she flirted and winked dramatically.

Addison crossed her arms and leaned back in her seat, raising a brow as a small smirk appeared on her lips. "How very forward of you, Dr. Robbins," she purred. "Let me see what you've got so far."

The three of them went over the detailed report that Arizona and Dr. Herman had drafted in the month previous. They had to do quite a bit of research in order to even begin to estimate what kinds of procedures they should be prepared for, and which ones they should expect to do most. Arizona spent many a sleepless night on her laptop just combing through journals and compiling the statistics she found. Dr. Herman was more focused on the logistics of the center itself, and wanted to ensure that they would be able to balance being able to perform the most procedures while hiring the best talent for teaching students in the future. It was a fine line, the more advanced the procedures got, the more specialized instruments were required, and they had to make some tough financial calls in order to be able to court the finest doctors to their clinic.

By the time they finished up, the sun had begun to set, and Arizona realized she only had about an hour to get back to relieve the sitter she had left Sofia with. Dr. Herman stood to leave and signaled for a cab. Pickles dutifully jumped into the car and Dr. Herman followed close behind.

Arizona was just about to signal for her own cab when she felt a hand on her arm, and she looked back at Addison, who was suddenly standing very close behind her.

"Hey, what's up?" she asked, brows furrowed.

"How is Callie?" Addison asked, the worry evident in her voice.

Arizona paled slightly and wasn't sure how to answer, so she didn't.

"God, no, sorry. I didn't mean..." Addison said as she shook her head.

"You probably know more than I do," Arizona offered with a sad smile.

Addison crossed her arms around herself and glanced away.

"You don't know more than I do?"

"She doesn't answer my calls anymore," Addison sighed, exasperated. "We were talking all the time, almost daily. Facetime, texting, I think we even had a snap streak at one point," she laughed mirthlessly. "I mean, hell, I flew out here for a family visit; we met for coffee and I just skipped out on the family part entirely."

The question of whether to bring up that night rattled in Arizona's head until she finally decided it might be somewhat important to the conversation at hand. Arizona leaned against a nearby mailbox and pulled her pack of cigarettes out, gingerly offering one to Addison, who recoiled from it as politely as she could manage. She lit her own, and pinched and rolled the filter between her fingers mindlessly.

"We got in a fight, a few nights ago. I thought she wanted to try again. We had been texting and it felt... nice," Arizona whispered. "Then I opened my mouth and instead of saying something normal, something about 'getting reacquainted' or 'maybe grabbing coffee sometime', I instead decided to say something so insane and clingy that I made myself look like… God, I don't even know."

Addison looked at Arizona for a while in thought. She shook her head and her eyes fell back on her feet.

"Arizona, she hasn't spoken to me in months."

She nearly whipped her hair into the lit end of her cigarette as she turned back to Addison, so she dropped it and crushed it underfoot.

"What do you mean 'months'? Like how many months? Because that sounds like more than two months, or you would have said 'a couple months'. Or was it a few mon-"

"Arizona! It was four months. Please, don't lose your mind. I have the 'crazy' mic right now. It's my turn."

"I'm sorry, I just... That's a lot of months."

"You're telling me."

They were both silent for a moment. Then, Arizona spoke.

"How long are you in town?"

"I leave the day after tomorrow."

"Come here, I'll write her address down for you."

A/N: Hope y'all enjoyed :) Get excited for more Addie next chapter!