49 - THE Queen of England
"Seriously", I yell after him, insisting, as he rushes past the atelier doors. "Want to bet?".
He slows down. "I don't need to bet- is that a…?", he says, caught by what I'm working on. He steps to the desk, studying the model I'm looking at. It's a beautifully ornate box, with four openings to the sides, like a hallway. I pick a ping pong ball from the messy box of bits and leftovers I have on my desk and drop it in the middle of the model.
"It should be…", I say, spinning the laser screwdriver in my hands. "That's because you'll lose the bet, I'm telling you", I repeat. "Now…", I point the laser at the model, and with a gentle push I roll the ping pong ball to one of the openings. The ball rolls through, and keeps rolling naturally back inside from the other side of the box.
"Ha! Perfectly executed recursive occlusion. Folding space on itself. Brilliant! Careful, though, those can be… very dangerous. By the way, I won't lose, because there is no bet".
"Then I bet you will rush back in, telling me I won the bet".
"Then I will… no, okay, I've lost you. Sure you don't want to come?".
I glare at him, pretending to shiver. "No, thank you, Lord Doctor".
"Ha-ha. Your loss. I'm having a picnic".
I flash him a smile as he leaves, and walk back inside the atelier. It took us a while, to get back into our usual bantering, and I think I can finally relax. Of course there was no conversation - he told me in detail, what happened on Mars and what he tried to do, but he didn't talk about feelings, nothing more than that one desperate, painful I need you. He looks at me with sad puppy eyes sometimes, but we're both avoiding talking about triggering subjects. Also, I think we are consciously avoiding being too close, or at least, I am avoiding that. At least for now. We slowed down on the psychic talks, too, unintentionally, but I think that's something else that draws us closer.
I miss Donna deeply, and we're both aware of how our dynamics shifted since she's gone. But we don't mention her, or anyone else. I think about all of them, and I'm sure the Doctor does too, but again, we avoid the subject.
We're so good at the bickering and fun bits that I feel like it's okay. So, yeah, sometimes it feels forced and unnatural, and sometimes I stop and wonder why is the Ood still appearing, as a warning, that he must go soon. But we never stopped since he called me back, it's all adventures and new people and seemingly impossible situations that we get out of last minute, and always, lots of running and lots of saving Earth.
I plug the laser in its slot on the desk for its software update, it's going to take a few minutes so I step outside of the Tardis, taking in the beautiful view on the English hills. It's a fresh sunny day, we didn't have a lot of those lately.
I start walking towards the tent in the distance, trying to catch up with the Doctor.
It's beautiful. I stop and close my eyes, letting the breeze run through my hair.
It lasts two seconds, because when I open my eyes again, I hear screaming, and I run to the woods.
When I reach the Doctor, he's giving his menacing speech.
"Whatever you've got planned, forget it. I'm the Doctor. I'm nine hundred and five years old. I'm from the planet Gallifrey in the constellation of Kasterborous. I am the Oncoming Storm, the Bringer of Darkness…"
"Loving the speech and the confidence, but I think he's basically just a rabbit", I tell him crouching down by his side.
"Zoe-", he acknowledges my presence, then turns to the rabbit again. "Yeah, okay, carry on. Just a… general… warning".
"Told you it was the horse", I nudge his elbow.
"Oh, right. You win the bet. And the other bet. You win…all the bets. And… I'm going to be king", he says as we stand up again.
"Oh, can't leave you alone two minutes and you propose?", I say as I follow Elizabeth's shape disappearing into the woods. "Yeah, good work, Doctor. Nice one",
"Yeeah… The Virgin Queen? So much for history", he says, raising his eyebrows. He shakes the device he's holding in his hands and slams his hand on it to revive it. It keeps dinging.
"Doctor!", we hear Elizabeth screaming through the woods.
"Elizabeth!" the Doctor calls as we find her. She's laying on the ground.
"That thing. Explain what it is. What does it want of us?", she asks as the Doctor helps her up.
"That's what I'm trying to find out".
"Probably just your planet". I add.
A second Elizabeth walks up. Oh, the Zygons are clever.
"Doctor. Step away from her, Doctor. That's not me. That's the creature", she says, confidently.
"How is that possible? She's me. Doctor, she's me!", Elizabeth says, surprised.
The Doctor extends the antenna on his device and points it towards the queens.
"I am indeed me. A compliment that cannot be extended to yourself".
"Extraordinary. The creature has captured my exact likeness. This is exceptional", she says, walking in circles around the other.
"Exceptional? A Queen would call it impertinent".
"A Queen would feel compelled to admire the skill of the execution. Before arranging one", she smirks.
"It's not working?", I ask the Doctor, who is shaking his device violently now, while the two Elizabeths keep threatening each other, still very politely.
"One might surmise that the creature would learn quickly to protect itself from any simple means of detection", one says.
"Clearly you understand the creature better than I. But then, you have the advantage".
And then, a noise and a flash behind me, and a golden vortex appears in the air.
"Back, both of you, now!", the Doctor warns, jumping by my side between the queens and the vortex. "That's a time fissure. A tear in the fabric of reality".
"That golden light… it's my golden light? The time vortex?"
"Anything could happen", he nods, worried, panting in anticipation.
And then, a red fez drops out of it.
"For instance… a fez", he says, changing his tone mid-sentence.
"Bit anticlimactic", I note as he crouches down to pick it up, while I walk closer to the vortex.
I hear screaming approaching from the light, and very quickly I'm slammed to the ground. By someone who fell through the vortex on top of me. The fissure disappears as I'm trying to figure out what's happening.
My face is turned to the side, I see the Doctor, still holding the fez, lost for words.
"Richards! Brilliant! Nice… running into you. More like, landing onto you. Long-time no see, how are you?", a familiar voice says, shaking himself up from me.
I lift up on my elbows, looking at the hand he's offering to help me up, and running my gaze up to his arm, and face, my surprise grows as I recognize him.
Doctor! "It's you!", I state, redundantly, standing up. I mean, I'm still very surprised. And confused. And it has been a long time, really. I smile, broadly, and hug him tight. "Hello!".
"Haha!", he laughs, holding me, lifting me up in joy. I forgot how much he's more physical and enjoying contact rather than the always detached Doctor I'm running with. I notice he's not wearing his tweed jacket now, he's got a long coat and a vest, with button chains.
"Love the new outfit", I point out, and he twirls around, showing off, then notices the other Doctor and the Elizabeths.
"Who is this man?", one of the Elizabeth says.
"That's just what I was wondering", the Doctor replies, his gaze moving quickly from me to the other Doctor.
"Oh, that is skinny. That is proper skinny", he says, approaching him. "I've never seen it from the outside. It's like a special effect. Oi!", he says, snatching the fez from the top of the Doctor's head. "Ha! Matchstick man", he greets him.
The Doctor is still stunned, but he's getting there. He glances at me, quickly. "You're not…", he whispers.
"Oh, Jack would be so jealous", I say, smiling as they dance around each other, slowly pulling out their sonic screwdrivers. I never noticed how bigger Amy's Doctor's was until seeing it now so close to my Doctor's.
Guess he noted the same thing. "Compensating", he says, tilting his head smugly.
"For what?", the other says.
"Regeneration. It's a lottery. Zoe? What do you say?".
"Oi!", I protest.
"Oh, he's cool. Isn't he cool? I'm the Doctor and I'm all cool", Amy's Doctor mocks him, gesturing wildly to point at my Doctor's shoes. "Oops, I'm wearing sandshoes".
The Doctor drops it, and leans in. "What are you doing here? I'm busy", he tells him.
"Oh, busy. I see. Is that what we're calling it, eh? Eh?", he keeps up the mockery, picking up the fez and putting it on his head. I've never seen him just ignoring a fez. "Hello, ladies", he says, courtsing to the queens.
"Don't start", the other scolds him.
"Listen, what you get up to in the privacy of your own regeneration is your business".
"One of them is a Zygon", I point out, whispering.
Amy's Doctor glances at me sideways, then turns to his younger self. "Urgh. I'm not judging you".
"Surprisingly good kissers, he's described Zygons".
My Doctor scolds me with his gaze as the other tries to hide his disgust, when the time fissure reappears. They both put on their glasses, then notice each other and cheer.
"Oh!"
"Oh, lovely".
"Your Majesties", bow-tied Doctor says, turning to them. "Probably a good time to run".
"But what about the creature?", one of the queens asks.
"Elizabeth, whichever one of you is the real one, turn and run in the opposite direction to the other one", the Doctor instructs, while the other Doctor gestures explaining the same concept. It's like I'm only noticing now how agitated he always is.
"Of course, my love", they both say in unison.
"Stay alive, my love. I am not done with you yet", one Elizabeth says, kissing him as his hands protest in surprise.
"Thanks. Lovely", he says, ignoring the judging looks me and the other Doctor are giving him.
"I understand. Live for me, my darling. We shall be together again", the other Elizabeth says before kissing him too.
"Well, won't that be nice?", the Doctor says as she leaves too, pretending to be unfazed by the sudden unwanted kisses.
"One of those was a Zygon", the other Doctor says.
"Yeah".
"Big red rubbery thing covered in suckers", I say.
"Yeah".
"Venom sacs in the tongue", the other Doctor insists.
"Yeah, I'm getting the point, thank you", the Doctor stops him.
"Nice", the other concludes, when someone calls from the vortex.
"Doctor, is that you?", I recognize Clara's voice.
"Ah, hello, Clara. Can you hear me?", he replies, yelling into the golden light.
"Yeah, it's me. We can hear you. Where are you?".
"Where are we?", he asks us, sideways.
"England, 1562".
"Who are you talking to?", Clara asks.
"Myself", they both say, in unison, smiling and pointing at each other. "And Zoe".
"Can you come back through?", another voice. Is that UNIT Kate Stewart?
"Physical passage may not be possible in both directions. It's... Ah!" the older Doctor replies. "Hang on. Fez incoming!", he says, taking the fez off his head and throwing it into the fissure.
"Nothing here", Clara says, flatly, after a while.
"So where did it go?", I ask.
"Okay, you used to be me, you've done all this before. What happens next?", the Doctor asks the other one.
"I don't remember", he says, shrugging.
"How can you forget this?", he asks, frustrated. "Have you been here before?", he adds, asking me.
"I... think I would remember meeting both of you together", I smirk.
"Hey, hang on. It's not my fault. You're obviously not paying enough attention", the older Doctor says, then glances at me, winking quickly, before turning to his younger self. "Reverse the polarity", he instructs.
They both aim their sonic screwdrivers at the fissure. "It's not working", he continues.
"You're... both reversing the polarity", I point out.
"Yes, I know that", the older Doctor states.
"There's two of us. I'm reversing it, you're reversing it back again. We're confusing the polarity".
An older man falls through the fissure. "Anyone lose a fez?", he asks.
Dread paints on both Doctor's faces. "You", the Doctor says, shaking. "How can you be here?" More to the point, why are you here?". I search the other Doctor's face and he's speechless, just flabbergasted.
"Good afternoon", the man says. "I'm looking for the Doctor", he looks at me.
"Well, you've certainly come to the right place", the Doctor mumbles.
"Good. Right. So you're the Doctor, right?" he says to me. "Finally! And who are you boys? Oh, of course. Are you her companions?"
"Her companions?", the Doctor says, offended.
"You don't know each other?", the older Doctor asks me.
I shake my head.
"They get younger all the time. Still, I'm getting younger with regeneration too, I guess".
"Oh, no", I interrupt him. "Not me", I say, tilting my head to the Doctors. They both show their sonics.
"Really?", the man says, defeated.
"Yeah".
"Really". They both look wary.
"You're me? Both of you?", the man says, his voice disappointed by the idea. Wait, so they're him?
"He's you?" I ask them, surprised.
"Yep", they both say, apparently replying to both questions.
"Even that one?", he nods to the older Doctor.
"Yes!", he replies, offended.
He's still struggling to accept it. "You're my future selves?".
"Yes!", they insist, annoyed.
"Am I having a midlife crisis?", he asks me, taking a step towards me, groaning.
"No complaints from me, I mea-" The Doctor quickly grabs me and places himself between me and the third Doctor, protectively, while the two of them step back and point their sonics at him. What's going on?
"Why are you pointing your screwdrivers like that? They're scientific instruments, not water pistols. Looks like you've seen a ghost", he continues, sternly, as they guiltily put back their sonics.
He's wearing an old battered leather coat, and a leather double breasted vest. He looks old, and even if younger than both of them, he emanates authority. He looks like an old warrior. I decide on the spot that I like him too.
"Still, loving the posh gravelly thing. It's very convincing", the Doctor says, looking at him.
"Yeah", the other Doctor agrees, then remembers he was mocking him. "Brave words, Dick van Dyke".
A loud noise, and a troop of soldiers run up, led by a nobleman in a ruff.
"Encircle them. Which of you is the Doctor?" the lord says, while the soldiers place themselves around us. "The Queen of England is bewitched. I would have the Doctor's head".
The two Doctors extract their sonics and point them around, again.
"Well, this has all the makings of your lucky day", the third Doctor says, ironically.
"I think there's three of them now", I hear Clara's voice whispering through the fissure.
We all look up at the golden vortex while who I think is Kate says "There's a precedent for that".
"What is that?", the lord asks, scared.
"Oh, the pointing again", the warrior-like Doctor groans. "They're screwdrivers! What are you going to do, assemble a cabinet at them?". They both awkwardly point their screwdrivers down.
"That thing", the lord insists. "What whitchcraft is that?", he repeats.
Clara's Doctor snaps out of it, twirling his sonic in the air. "Ah, yes! Now that you mention it, that is witchcraft. Yes, yes, yes. Witchy… witchcraft. Hello? Hello in there?" he starts calling towards the light. "Excuse me", he says to the lord, then turns back to the vortex. "Hello? Am I talking to the wicked witch of the well?".
"Why am I the witch?" I hear Clara protesting.
"Clara?", the Doctor calls again. "Hello? Clara, hi, hello. Hello. Would you mind telling these… prattling mortals to get themselves begone?".
"…What he said", she says flatly. Clara is clever, but sometimes I wonder if she plays daft intentionally.
"Yes, tiny bit more colour", the Doctor says.
"Right. Prattling mortals, off you pop, or I'll… turn you all into frogs". Did I ever mention, I don't like Clara very much. I also don't think she likes me very much. Maybe it's just because I'm too tall.
"Wooh, frogs. Nice. You heard her", the Doctor repeats, looking around to see if she impressed the soldiers enough.
"Doctor, what's going on?", Clara asks, frustrated.
"It's a timey-wimey thing", the Doctor replies.
"Timey what? Timey-wimey?", the old-but-young Doctor repeats to me, bewildered.
"I've no idea where he picks that stuff up", my Doctor says, pretending he's never heard that sentence before.
At that moment, Elizabeth comes back. Or at least, one of the Elizabeths. The soldiers fall to their knees, chanting. "The Queen! The Queen!".
"You don't seem to be kneeling. How tremendously brave of you", she says, noting that only the Doctors and me are left standing.
"Which one are you? What happened to the other one?", I ask, loudly.
"Indisposed", she smiles. "Long live the Queen".
"Long live the Queen!" the soldiers repeat.
"Arrest these people. Take them to the Tower", she orders.
"That is not the Queen of England, that's an alien duplicate", my Doctor says.
"And you can take it from him, cos he's really checked", the other Doctor says.
"Oh, shut up".
"Venom sacs in the tongue".
"Seriously, stop it."
"No, hang on. The Tower", I say, hoping that it is, in fact, Kate Stewart that I'm hearing with Clara. I look at the bow-tie Doctor, he's thinking what I'm thinking.
"Right, Richards!- Did you say the Tower? Ah, yes, brilliant. Love the Tower. Breakfast at eight, please. Will there be Wi-Fi?", he says, gesturing and nodding to the soldiers.
Writer's note: A lot has been said about the 50th anniversary episode, but overall I loved it. And I missed Eleven! If you've read this far, please comment and tell me what you're thinking! x