Chapter XLIV

Darkness of Despair

After Shikamaru left, I went to bed and slumber overcame me in record time, to the point of not being able to remember it. Apart from a fragment that I had invited the teenager into my sheets so that he'd fall asleep too, nothing else. In addition to sleeping quite soundly, I also stopped dreaming for days; it began when I started feeding my chakra to Naruto. Obviously, I am being held hostage by his toxin which prevents me from surfing on these abstract rivers influenced by the subconscious.

Nothing is able to wake me up… At least, since my student remains relatively alert, I can trust him during these periods that make me vulnerable. As for the absent dreams, I won't be sorry; a good majority were nightmares engendered by the ghosts of my past after all.

This morning I was roused from my sleep when something started tickling my nose until I sneezed. While my body took some time to stretch, Naruto—unsurprisingly—was emitting a tolerable snore. Snuggled against me, on his stomach, one arm around my waist, his tail was resting on top of me, under the blanket, with the bushy tip sticking out and dangerously close to my face. Needless to say, what is to blame for my abrupt and unpleasant awakening…

Eager to discover the information promised by Shikamaru, I rushed to take a shower to remove the static electricity covering my entire being before having lunch. Underwater, I watched for a long time my arms marked with pain. Gradually, more and more visible scars begin to permanently draw on my sore skin. In their current state and both recently bitten, not to mention the numerous bruises and scratches, they make me feel like a beaten man victim of domestic abuse. It bothers me a bit, although it's somewhat the case. This observation forces me to bandage my arms to hide the unwanted marks and prevent people from forming opinions about me.

Unlike yesterday, I didn't take any risks to wake Naruto up. Suspecting that he would insist on staying there while grumbling, I gently grabbed his ankles and with a sudden movement, I pulled him out. The sapphire-eyed boy woke up with a start when he fell to the ground. All his hair bristling to its climax as he was kicking and tailing, Naruto was hissing a lot as I was busy hoisting him out of my room.

When I released him, he got on all fours and like a disgruntled beast, he glared angrily at me, showing his teeth and canines. Although this posture and his puffy fur could make me anxious at first, it no longer impresses me; due to our special relationship and his emotional dependence, Naruto won't hurt me even if he's pissed off. Only his feral instincts force me to remain cautious since they make him unpredictable and aggressive, to the point that he can no longer recognize me.

Indifferent to his attempt to intimidate me, I curtly ordered him to get dressed. I also left him a drink on the table, while I get ready too. By weariness, I leave behind my usual shinobi paraphernalia and content myself with my forehead protector. In annoyance, I impatiently waited at the doorway, arms crossed, for Naruto to stop sulking. Fortunately, the uncomfortable tension in the air pushed him to obey me. Like me, he opted for a lighter outfit. He put on my sweater … his orange pants and his headband tied on his forehead, not to mention the dark cape that doesn't seem to bother him so much anymore.

After the aqueous offering that he swallowed in a few gulps, he came to join me, pouting. Naruto quickly resumed his happy and usual mood when I ruffled his wheat hair and showed him my best smile. With his great sensitivity, this must make my gesture more pleasant and which he sincerely appreciates, since he smiles every time. Sometimes I feel as if he's giving me his head to make it easier for me.

Wasting no time, I headed over to Shikamaru's with the blond clinging to my arm.

- XXX -

While Naruto hastened to play in the garden, I read with excruciating slowness the report promised by Shikamaru who—with a cigarette in his beak—is content to observe the sky or the other boy having fun in an atypical way. The more I advance in my reading, the darker my face is; at this, the pangs in my heart become twists and vices of pain. This unacknowledged sadness mingles with the anger that darkens my soul in spite of myself. I feel my blood boiling in my veins and to say I'm enraged would be a euphemism.

As I had suspected, Naruto did indeed free himself on his own and that, I am convinced of it. The description of the places, the accessories… Everything gives me goosebumps; a shiver of dread slides down my spine. I forbid myself to imagine the horrors that Naruto must have lived in this laboratory that came straight from the flames of hell… However, my brain autonomously visualizes many speculative images and nightmare sounds that bombard my ears and my retinas.

In abstract and jerky flashes, I see human beings with macabre smiles inflicting excruciating pain, while sheaves of blood fly away with each blow armed with diabolical tools; I hear the cries and tears of my student mixed with the chaotic sound of metal produced by the instruments of torture, the chains… Everything pierces me so violently that I start shaking. My vision blurs and coldness makes me shiver in all this tumult of uncontrolled emotions. This discomfort taking hold of me forces me to put a hand on my forehead when I lower my head.

Unconsciously, I fall in shock.

A terrible evil sows tenacious darkness.

Hate strikes me down to corrupt me.

I expected the worst, of course. Deep down I was hoping I had exaggerated the whole thing… I wished I was wrong, but I can only believe it and imagine it more against my will. Comparing Naruto's behaviours, his obvious traumas, his self-destructive tendencies… Everything makes sense. Chained up and locked in a cage to mutilate his own limbs, the bloodshed that betrays the wounds inflicted… While all these things upset me by bringing back in memory these self-harm sessions of Naruto, his nightmares and his fears, the testimony of the black box horrifies me just as much.

The most terrible part in all of this is the fact that they tried to annihilate his humanity to train this thought that he's only an animal, an inferior being, a mere beast … and that, sadly, they succeeded. From the way he acts and perceives the world, Naruto is convinced that he's not like us; I suspect that he has developed a phobia of the human race and this explains his eternal distrust of others. He's stripped of his belonging to our species and his only moments with us was the traumatic episodes and the untold pain that these guys shamelessly inflicted on him.

Naruto could only lose himself in a fury when he woke up, for fear of being hurt again because it was the only thing he knew about mankind. I wonder if he gave me a chance because I offered him—for the very first time since the tragedy—a physical contact that didn't cause pain and fear; a tenderness he desperately needed after facing nothing but darkness and despair.

Also, I cannot forget that they used the word "seraphim" to designate him instead of that of chakra devourer. What does that mean? Since they use a determiner, I rule out the possibility that it's a name. I refuse to believe that this word was randomly chosen. Maybe this group knows a lot more about these creatures than we do? Likely. After all, they managed to transcend Naruto in one.

The term "sublimation" designating the destruction of his humanity disturbs me just as much. Its meaning is the action of diverting sexual or aggressive impulses by artistic means, or even the sublime which elevates something to the paroxysm of its magnificence… Why this word? Why these words? I don't have the slightest clue in mind that could explain it. My overheated brain is unable to think, put thoughts and ideas together for them to make sense…

"Kakashi-sensei," Shikamaru calls out to me, pulling me out of my thoughts. "Are you alright?"

I breathe heavily to calm myself down before facing him as he puts out his cigarette butt. For once, it's difficult to hide my dismay veiled in grief. It takes me a moment to find my lost voice in the oblivion of its innate functioning. I pull my head out of the water to wear my usual expression … hardly.

"...To be honest… I didn't expect this," I mumble darkly.

"Godaime has sent a team that specializes in this sort of thing and will carefully go through everything. With any luck, we may have new information very soon."

I nod painfully before returning my eye to the report. Like a well-placed punch, the emotions I experienced on discovering all of this genuinely shaken and exhausted me all of a sudden.

"If it were just that," he sighs. "My team found this damn hideout in less than an hour, and as you can see, it wasn't hidden at all. We believed that there may be one or more spies in the village…"

"To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised if that were the case," I sigh before going deeper into my thoughts. "Their presence must go back a long time before the abductions. If the targets had to meet very specific criteria, it's logical that they went fishing for Intel to find the ideal subjects to launch the operation. One would think that these individuals left the village on the sly afterwards … but the fact that this place was not found twice, before and after Naruto's return, proves the opposite."

I pause and a cold sweat breaks out on my temple.

"Those guys are good and shouldn't be taken lightly. Their level of preparation and precaution is worrying… They have access to confidential information, there is no doubt about it. At the very least, I suspect that they have already run away or that they are keeping a low profile since we now know about them. However, I would opt for the first hypothesis since they are trying at all costs to hide their intentions regarding this whole affair. A torture session led by Ibiki's care would jeopardize all their plans."

A silence.

"What you say makes sense, Kakashi-sensei. You're not the only one to believe it. I can tell you up front that the village is more closely guarded than ever."

Another silence is king of the place.

Since the beginning of this fateful night, it sows more and more anguish in me. It's not just Konohagakure that finds itself threatened, the other hidden villages are too if we include Sunagakure in the equation; I am ready to put my hand in the fire that all the hidden villages are affected alike and infiltrated alike. However, something bothers me about all of this. The criteria always and eternally unknown trouble me. It wasn't just ninjas who were targeted since there were civilians… It's true that they came from families of formidable shinobis and that they were content with a quiet life, but I refuse to believe that people who have never developed the use of their chakra can interest them… Moreover, all the targets were all quite young; the oldest was barely twenty years old.

Out of the corner of my eye, I see Naruto coming towards me on all fours; he seems to be preoccupied. Beside me, he glances briefly at the report before frowning at me. As he had done with my book, he snatches the said report from my hands and deposits it as far away from me as possible. Then he sits in front of me to put his palms facing the sky while becoming still, thus waiting for a movement on my part.

Guessing easily what he wants to do, I deeply sigh and place my hands on his so to play with him. Behind the sapphire-eyed boy, Shikamaru arches an eyebrow. When I slap Naruto's hand and we swap roles, he decides to question me, visibly curious.

"What are you doing?"

"We're playing, of course," I say, sweeping my dark eye over him and my student, making sure not to let Naruto win. "He started doing this last night. Since Naruto manages to sense my emotions in some way, I don't know if he does it just to distract me or for genuine fun."

Naruto's wide-open eyes don't depart from my hands so much that he's focus. His usually expressive black tail remains excruciatingly still, although a few hairs have stood on end; at that, he didn't react to my words. He has emancipated himself from the world that surrounds him to focus on our hands. I'm not the only one who has noticed it.

"It's not written in this report, but Sai has revealed some rather alarming information to us."

I return all my attention to Shikamaru—something that allows Naruto to score a point despite me.

"The Root is aware of the chakra devourers."

"...It's a bad omen… Danzō must already know about Naruto," I sigh.

Shikamaru nods before worry clouds his face. "Sai was surprised to learn that Naruto was under control, since it seems that these creatures are so obsessed with chakra that they get out of control and pose a real danger."

"I can confirm his pervasive obsession with chakra… That said, if what he says is true, we're lucky he's only interested in mine… However, I doubt. If his claim had been true, Naruto wouldn't have hesitated to devour your chakra."

"If you recall, Godaime insisted on the fact that these creatures were a threat to shinobis due to their willpower driven by their voracious appetites," he retorts. "There must be a reason why Naruto deviates from the rule. It's illogical that he deprives himself by limiting his diet to only one source of chakra when he could easily satisfy his hunger with others. Perhaps it's due to the fact that he'd be "incomplete" as specified by the testimony of the black box."

His answer silences me. From what we know of the chakra devourers, these creatures only live to silence their hunger. And yet, Naruto almost never asks me and was about to refuse to eat for fear of hurting me. He could very well devour essences other than mine to protect me, to prevent me from suffering, but he forbids himself to do so, even if I stop feeding him. There must be a reason on why he isn't following that rule… All in all, it may be related to the unfinished experiments on him; an "imperfect" subject in itself.

"Also… One of the discoveries in the chamber of horrors bothers me about Naruto."

"I'm listening," I worry.

"We agree that Naruto's nature was fire before it changed when he ate your chakra. There was a water system in the jail to wet him. I'm afraid Naruto is vulnerable to the element greater than his own and if so, they must have used it to put out his flames … but it's possible it could harm him as well."

In the meantime, I finish my game with Naruto who starts pouting while crossing his arms; at this, his tail betraying his unhappy mood twirls uselessly.

"If what you're saying is true, logically Naruto should be vulnerable to the wind and worse, even suffer from it," I agree in anguish. "His skin is very sensitive and he experiences more pain than normal. I could confirm this last night…"

It brings up images in the head. These moments when the blond shivered from time to time, especially when I carried him while running… Could this sudden sensitivity to the cold actually be caused by the wind itself? If Shikamaru's theory turns out to be correct, very possible. To be sure, I have to do some tests…

The gaze of the sapphire-eyed boy falls on the other teenager, staring intently at him. After long seconds, Naruto approaches to sit in front of him cross-legged. As he did with me, he places his palms riveted to the sky; he waits impatiently for the youngster to play with him.

When Naruto angrily hisses while flapping his tail, Shikamaru exchanges a brief retinal contact with me before nodding and putting his hands down… However, he jumps when he touches him. He's by no means accustomed to the shocks of static electricity that covers Naruto's entire body. Also, that Naruto wants to play with Shikamaru by letting him touch him only further proves his trust in him. I breathe a sigh of relief.

The feral boy has finally lowered his barriers … at least, with Shikamaru.

While Naruto is busy, it's a great time to check his weakness to the wind. I approach him, behind his back, and once in his personal space, he barely reacts; the closeness he enjoys with me allows me to enter his bubble without a hitch. I don't use the Futon very often, but I am fully capable of amplifying my breath. I infuse a bit of chakra whose nature I change into wind in my lungs, then take a long breath before blowing the air against the exposed neck of my student.

The effect is immediate.

An icy chill runs through his whole being and makes him shiver; his light and dark hair ruffles as his body arches and his shoulders heave. Suddenly, Naruto turns his head to glare at me. His overly furrowed eyebrows make him look scary. Nonetheless, he soon returns his attention to the game despite now being too tense and on the edge.

To be one hundred percent sure, I repeat the same ritual… However, I don't have time to empty my lungs when Naruto jumps up before facing me, while looking down at me with disturbing neutrality. Although he's horribly still, he's so pissed off that I can feel the waves of hostility that he's sending out. These said waves run through my whole being poisoned with irrational fear and it forces me to raise my hands, palms open. Goosebumps creep over me and my heart races. I'm pierced by his eyes wide open and so cold that I am frostbitten.

"I'm sorry, Naruto," I nervously apologize, a bead of sweat sliding down my temple. "Got it. I won't do it again. Promised."

I doubt he'll hurt me, but it's also the first time I've seen him in full control of himself looking at me that way and giving off so much evil energy. Plus, he's backlight and that only makes him more terrifying. I feel as if he was staring at me for whole days and I forget to breathe; my beaten heart seeks to extricate itself in a bloody explosion.

After an eternity, his fur slowly returns to a normal appearance. Then, without warning, Naruto abruptly slams the back of my head with his ebony tail. In response, I let out an unnecessary complaint, bringing my hands to my head. His blow didn't hurt me nor electrocute me; despite his obvious anger towards me, he doesn't want to injure me. It's his way of showing me his dissatisfaction with my gesture, which he didn't enjoy at all, especially since I immediately started again, ignoring his previous warning.

Silent, Naruto resumes his position to continue his game with Shikamaru.

"Don't ever do that again," Shikamaru mutters, glaring at me, his breathing as rapid as mine.

"You don't have to tell me, he made it very clear… Turns out you were right…"

Cautiously, I gently place my hand on the back of the blond's neck that stiffens like an iron bar. I feel his pulse racing; he must think that I'm going to blow again, but since he trusts me, he gives me the benefit of the doubt. His black tail wags oddly, ready to grab my wrist.

"It even drove his veil of static electricity out of that area," I note as I pulled back.

As I slide backwards, Naruto gradually calms down, much less on the edge. Shikamaru's fears are real given the way Naruto reacted to my gentle wind brushing his skin. The feral boy isn't chilly as I thought, but his obvious weakness to the wind sets up similar symptoms. That it drives away his veil of lightning confirms it; since I became indifferent to the shocks of static electricity, I didn't notice that he was losing it by being exposed to the slightest gust of wind, strong or slight. I cannot say if it hurts him, but the discomfort is undeniable.

That his nature is lightning is a relief since Futon is relatively rare. Nevertheless, I realize that if the nature of my chakra had been fire, Naruto's weakness would have been water and logically, the teenager would have avoided all contact with watery matter. As a result, he would have been unable to take the slightest shower… Very quickly, his body odour, already very strong and barely tolerable, would have become unbearable, a mortal agony for my sensitive nostrils. In his time in the jail, it was infamous for having to pinch my nose and was stuck on my tongue. I wonder if this wasn't the reason for his reluctance to hydrate during his early days in captivity despite the undeniable need to drink.

I couldn't say.

Lost in my thoughts, another particularly alarming detail that I had noted comes to torment my mind to sow countless worries in me, gives birth to this lump in my throat. I intensely observe my pupil who moves his black tail with gusto; at that, I hear the taciturn laughter sounding from his lips. Obviously, Naruto is winning.

"Shikamaru," I call out with a serious tone. "The hairs that you saw in the ca... in the room, were there a lot of them?"

He frowns as he looks back at me.

"Enough to believe he went to the hairdresser," he confirms grimly. "There were tufts of black and blond hair everywhere…"

Listening to his words, I get anxious … but so as not to worry the sapphire-eyed boy, I keep my composure. However, he still felt it as he glanced over his shoulder for a breath. It only unsettled me for a second, yet it was enough for him to notice. Naruto is too receptive to my moods, especially right now.

I have to keep my emotions under control so as not to worry him.

A final clap is sounded. Naruto then shows a smirk on his lips crossing his arms, his nose in the air. Not only did he win, but he brags without the slightest scruple.

Shikamaru lets out a sigh, betraying his perpetual exhaustion; playing with an element as unstable and unpredictable as Naruto must have worn him down.

"Naruto, sit in front of me," I order, patting the floor.

Frowning, he obeys without asking himself too many questions. Gently, I slip my hands into his static-electricity covered hair to inspect it thoroughly, rummaging through it, pushing back many blond locks. Apart from a few chills, he obediently lets me do whatever I want. I waste no time in confirming my fears; a cold sweat breaks out on my forehead.

"What are you doing?" asks the youngster, perplexed.

A silence.

"It's not good," I mumble, frowning. "He has many white hairs and the quantity worries me…"

My words draw a gasp of surprise from Shikamaru.

It only took me a few seconds to see many hairs stripped of their shimmering colour. Since his hair is light, we don't notice them at first glance; even being in perpetual proximity with my student, this detail slipped through my fingers. There are too many of them … many, many too many…

"Naruto has been under too much stress," I add dreadfully before pulling my hands out, to hold one out towards the feral boy. "Naruto, give me your tail."

Faced with my request, he holds his breath as he starts to stare at me nervously; at that, I hear his heartbeat racing. After an awkward moment, he glances briefly at Shikamaru before turning his eyes on me again. His shoulders rise and a veil of shyness covers his face, which blushes more and more. Then he sticks his two index fingers together, wiggling them in embarrassment.

I easily guess the bottom of his indecent thought.

He interprets my request in the worst possible way.

He translates my chaste intentions into a true antithesis.

"...Stop making up ideas and give it to me," I snarl, waving my palm angrily.

His face is red to the roots of his hair, and the embarrassment doesn't allow him to meet my severe gaze. Looking away, Naruto finally gives me his tail, not without great difficulty. When I inspect the long hairs at the end, he jumps and ruffles his ebony fur to its climax and that reaction seriously makes me uneasy.

Although far fewer, I soon find a few intruders of a contrasting, snow-like colour. I check the shorter ones; I reach down and slide my hands halfway up his tail and see more. My student froze, including his breath, and pressed his palms against his flushed face to hide his embarrassment. In addition, he changed his posture to curl up, his legs glued and bent in front of him; I'm afraid that this change of posture is hiding something else…

"What are you doing to him?" Shikamaru curtly asks me.

"It makes him uncomfortable when I touch his tail," I lie.

According to his pout, the teenager with dark irises isn't convinced at all… After all, Naruto's body language is very telling… I hope he hasn't understood what's going on, but Shikamaru is far from being fooled since he stares at me with an evil eye.

"His dark fur is also affected," I say, finally letting go of the tail, which—to my relief—is back to normal. "The stress hasn't only caused their premature bleaching, but also their fall… Fortunately, apart from a reasonable amount, Naruto hasn't lost any since his return to the village, even during the time of his captivity…"

Paralyzed with embarrassment, Naruto remains excruciatingly still as his black tail wraps around his own person. As for Shikamaru, he crosses his arms and pierces me with his stern eyes; he's fully aware. Hardly able to hide or refute it, I hold my face with my hand, resting my elbow on my knee, all wearily before avoiding any retinal contact.

"It's always like that?"

"Only when I touch it," I sigh, aware that I'm caught red-handed.

Anxieties invade me and proliferate, tug at my mind like a destructive poison. I don't want it to be known; I'm afraid that people will make up their minds about me, as much as about Naruto… Sadly, that I tried to deny it—as pitifully as it is—only further accentuates my secretiveness towards him…

"Does this kind of thing happen often?"

"Honestly, no. Normally, I avoid touching his tail because of that."

A silence.

"Anyway," he sighs to my relief. "That he has white hair worries me to be frank. That, and the report on the chamber of horrors, no wonder his psyche is so bad…"

I nod to validate his words, relieved that he doesn't push the question further.

"Making a rough comparison with his sequestration time and the amount that occupies his head, I wouldn't be surprised if he were white-headed before his twenties," I suppose.

Saying so, I slip a fleeting hand into Naruto's golden mane, forcing the sapphire-eyed boy out of his embarrassment, though his eyes are fiercely avoiding me. At least, his face isn't as red as before.

"Shikamaru... About his tail, can you keep that to yourself?"

The latter seems hesitant to accept my request since he takes a while to answer me. "Alright," he sighs. "I won't talk about it."

"Thank you."

At the same time, Naruto lets out a yawn, opening his mouth wide, while a salty tear slides down his cheek. His canines overwhelm all of Shikamaru's attention, and he stops blinking; he's by no means serene to note their length and astonishing thickness.

With his tired little eyes fighting the urge to close, Naruto stares at me insistently. Obviously, he couldn't sleep that night either, and his request is very clear. Breaking his nocturnal rhythm will take time … a lot of time. His dark circles that dig his too thin face force me to give in to his whim. I don't want to carry him in my arms again.

"I'll take him home so he can sleep," I say, running a hand through my silver hair.

"Are you trying to break his sleep cycle?" Shikamaru guesses.

"It's a tough job," I agree, nodding. "The night awakens all his senses and gives him a surge of energy that prevents him from falling asleep…"

Getting up on both my feet, Naruto is about to imitate me… However, Shikamaru overwhelms all his attention when he reaches out his forearm.

"Naruto. I give you my chakra. Take it."

Unlike last time, my student seems to be thinking about his proposal since he hasn't looked away or started to hiss. Could it be that he finally deigns to accept his essence? With all my heart, I hope he agrees; the tension that has become palpable agitates my organ of love in the grip of neurotic excitement.

Unfortunately, after long seconds, Naruto crosses his arms and turns his head although he remains vocally silent…

It was too good to be true…

"Why don't you want it?" he asks, puzzled. "Is it because my nature isn't lightning that you refuse?"

Naruto slightly opens his eyes to stare at him. Slowly, his black tail wraps around one of my legs before he gets up to hug me. In response, we sigh.

Naruto stubbornly wants my chakra and nothing else. He's completely obsessed with my chakra, and as long as his obsession with my bluish essence continues, I am doomed to feed him night after night; his very selective appetite keeps me captive in this state of deplorable weakness. Nevertheless, he wasn't violent in his refusal, that said…

"I don't think it's related to nature per se since I'm not his first meal," I retort. "As stated in one of my reports, I am not his first chakra. His nature is wind and not fire."

"I know," he sighs. "Sorry I can't relieve you of this burden, Kakashi-sensei."

"It's not your fault. It's not up to me or you."

He nods and stands up. Naruto gauges him for a breath before finally letting go of me to put on his dark cape. He seems to be patiently waiting for us to leave, but that's just a facade. He cannot wait to leave so he can get under the sheets afterwards.

When we're ready to go, Shikamaru waves an arm at Naruto, fist clenched, smiling. He wants to do a fist bump with Naruto. The latter tries to assimilate the silent request of the other boy with great difficulty since he frowns while emitting a confused complaint. I could tell him, but I'm afraid he will do it only because I intervened. I hope he understands it on his own.

We wait patiently for Naruto to understand the youngster's intentions. When Shikamaru briefly shakes his fist, the blond opens his eyes wide, as if stricken with an epiphany. Smiling, Naruto gives it back with a taciturn sneer. His face is bright and he's completely relaxed.

An indescribable happiness seizes me, chases away the darkness devouring my entrails. I don't know if it's related to the fact that Shikamaru gave him back his precious necklace, but I don't care. In this benign gesture, I recognized the old Naruto I've seen grow and mature since I've been in charge of Team 7, and it warms my heart. Little by little, he sheds his feral temperament, although his silence, of which he enslaved to, is still just as tenacious.