As soon as he leaves, he calls him on the phone, and he's pacing like a caged lion next to the phone in the bookshop, waiting for him to call.
"Hello?!" the angel answers hysterically.
"Heeeey, cutie!" Crowley's so happy.
"Crowley?" he asks, wondering... if he's been drugged or something, because he sounds very happy.
"Where are you? I have GREAT news. Come on, let's go, I'll treat you to lunch wherever you want."
"What? You can't... are you okay?"
"Yes, I can. I CAN! In fact, not only can I. I MUST!" he exclaims, gesturing while walking down the street with the phone to his ear.
"What are you talking about, my dear? Must what? Are you sure you're okay?"
"Of course I am!"
"But why are you so happy? What did they tell you?"
"Come, and I'll tell you!"
"I can't come, my darling. We can't be seen together."
"Angel," he protests back.
Of course Aziraphale wants you to go and go to the Ritz. He loves it!
Well
"Dear, as much as I want... why don't we do something a bit less obvious and much more discreet? I don't know... meet at a secret spot."
Crowley hesitates for a moment and remembers that... well, good news is damn unilateral.
"Okay... okay. Okay."
"And actually... I'm not sure if... I'm not sure if it's the best. They'll follow me, I'm sure..."
"Let's meet at the subway."
"At the... subway," Crowley repeats.
"At a station? Or... I don't know, you're the one with the locations, dear."
"Okay, it doesn't matter. Wherever you want."
"In half an hour... at Oxford Circus."
"Okay... okay. Half an hour. Perfect."
"I'm glad you have good news," Aziraphale assures sincerely. "I was worried."
"Hurry up!"
"Yes, yes. Yes. I'm coming!" the angel agrees, getting caught up in the excitement. Crowley hangs up on him because he called him on the stupid rotary phone.
Oh, damn stupid rotary phone.
Well, if he used the stupid mobile!
Truth is, just because you were going to hell, he found it and charged it.
Aziraphale takes like approximately ten seconds to close the shop, and that includes kicking out one of the customers.
And again. Crowley is going to be late because he prefers buses. In fact, what he prefers is cars, but well.
Ugh. Aziraphale is going to arrive earlier, of course, and he's going to be sitting on one of the benches, all upright, waiting impatiently.
Crowley shows up about fifteen minutes later, running and with a paper bag. Dodging people.
Well, the angel is there, sitting, looking for him. Although he knows Crowley is going to find him first. He stops in front of him abruptly, smiling a lot.
"Oh... hello!"
Crowley takes his hands and pulls him up.
"Are you okay? What happened?" Aziraphale asks, concerned.
The demon holds him by the waist and kisses him again, almost spinning him around. Aziraphale definitely didn't expect that. They're here in PUBLIC! In the middle of everyone!
Yes... but... But!
He kisses him back because... heavens, he had been to hell! And everything always seems so dramatic.
In fact, I think he lifts him up a bit, and a few seconds later, they separate. The angel even protests a little.
"Hello..." the demon smiles.
"Crowley..." he says, dreamily... Crowley smiles even more. "We shouldn't..."
"Well... and this is what I had to tell you..."
"W-What?" Could you stop drooling over him?
"Not only should I. I HAVE to."
"You have to what?" He understands NOTHING.
"I have to do just this. Kiss you, pull you away, seduce you... make you fall in love. All of it. I no longer have to kill you, but quite the opposite!"
"Wh-What?! You have to... what?!"
"Exactly what you heard."
Aziraphale takes his hand and sits him down. He does it, still smiling.
"Why don't you have to kill me anymore?"
"Lord Beelzebub personally told me," he smiles and nods happily. Then he looks at his paper bag, opening it. "I brought this to celebrate," he gives him some chocolates and takes out a bottle of champagne.
"But I don't understand, Crowley... what..." he stops and looks at the chocolates. And smiles. And it's a shame they're here, at the bloody metro station. "Let's go somewhere else."
"Let's go wherever you want."
"Take me to your place."
He gets up and takes his hand, to which the angel squeezes it a little as he leads him outside.
"Gabriel" Aziraphale reminds him.
"Of course, now blame it on him, as if I didn't know you want both hands to open the chocolates," Crowley squints because he's very happy but lets go.
Aziraphale laughs a little at that, and Crowley runs a hand through his hair and clears his throat a little, because maybe he's showing too much excitement.
No, it's just... they're in public, and that's making Aziraphale extremely tense.
Yeah, yeah, but still.
"Can you... sense if they're following me?"
"Um... I'm not sure." The truth is, he only senses you right now, but it's like trying to find fireflies against the light. You completely blind him.
"I need to get out of here where everyone can... see and hear." Aziraphale discreetly takes his hand.
"Let's go, let's go to my car and my place."
"I can't believe Beelzebub asked you NOT to kill me. Why?" he asks as they walk.
"Because they're more interested in me seducing you and using my influence to spy on you and heaven."
"Excuse me?!" He blushes quite a bit and stops walking.
"Because everyone knows I could, but it's perfect because heaven doesn't trust you much, so I can just go out with you and do whatever I want and give very vague reports." he shrugs without stop turning arround to face him.
"Did you tell them you've... seduced me to spy on me?" he asks, a bit scandalized, walking again.
"Well... No, I told them it was to kill you, of course, but... they came up with that, and... Let's say I didn't correct them. I couldn't pass up the opportunity." he turns arround again walking by his side.
"And they were okay with that?! That I... you told them besides seducing me!" He's a bit embarrassed by the idea of Beelzebub talking about Crowley seducing him.
"Well, this. Spying on you." he snaps his fingers once they reach the Bentley, still parked in the underground cinema parking lot.
"And of course, with what they've seen..." he gets into the car, looking around paranoically.
"Um... yeah, that. Everyone thinks it's gross." he also enters in the pilot place.
"Well, heaven also thinks it's gross..."
"They think I think so," he moistens his lips.
"G-Gross? And then... why do they assume you... do it?" he looks at him.
"Well, first to... kill you, and now to spy on you. I'm very self-sacrificing." he explain looking to the way.
"Do they assume it's just to seduce me? And what do they think I'm doing?"
"Well... Letting me do it," he glances at him. Aziraphale sighs deeply.
"So... hell also doesn't believe that you... me..." Aziraphale explains aloud. Crowley blushes a little. "And they assume that I do if you..." he blushes a little in the mirror, "so, I'm a bit of a fool and haven't realized that you don't..."
"Apparently, but what matters here is not what they think."
The angel nods, because he knows, even though the entire heaven and hell think that... he hasn't realized...
"They're going to tell heaven..."
"What?"
"That you're seducing me, and that I... need a reason to let you do it, Crowley."
"That's what we have to convince heaven of."
"I would have to convince them that... if you're in love and I can... reform you? I don't think I can do it."
"No... I don't think they believe that. We'd have to be more cynical. You'd have to tell them that... while I'm trying to do it, to make sure I do it, I have to make an effort to please you and... with that, you can get me to do... things for you and maybe tell you things."
The angel glances at him with a chocolate truffle in his mouth, unable to resist.
The demon looks into his eyes, then at the truffle, and smiles knowingly.
"Do you think they'd believe that?" He blushes a bit.
"Why not? It's actually damn true."
"How would it benefit them? Gabriel seemed to be PRECISELY afraid of this appearance issue, my dear," he asserts, then pops another truffle into his mouth.
"Well, hell seems to believe that the opposite will benefit them,"
"But how would it benefit them?"
"Well, to know what you're up to, I suppose, who knows. They've asked for reports from me, so I'm going to have to write in great detail about my sacrifices to the cause, doing all those horrible and disgusting things."
Aziraphale blushes even more.
"Don't you think you could propose it?"
"They believe... that I appreciate you and you don't, and... therefore, I don't think in an organized way." Aziraphale sighs
"But... if they see me doing things to try... I mean, you could show that you're benefiting from it and could benefit them too."
"That, in fact, is not entirely untrue."
"That's what I mean," Crowley drives as always, overtaking people at the last second and as fast as possible, miraculously hitting all the green lights.
Aziraphale is GLUED to his seat, thinking that neither Gabriel, nor Michael, nor anyone could chase them at this speed or in this manner.
"Could you try not to decapitate us on the way there?"
"You're not going to be harmed!"
"It doesn't seem like it!"
Rolls his eyes.
"Did they really ask you to... to..."
Crowley glances at him, and Aziraphale blushes more.
"T-That's..."
"What?"
"It's absurd... I can't believe hell wanted precisely THAT. While heaven wants me to kill you!" he smiles.
The demon laughs, parking where he always does at his place. There must be a no-parking sign around here that he makes appear and disappear at his convenience.
"It's a topsy-turvy world... almost," he opens the door, and I suspect there are no chocolates left.
Well, he brought them for himself, so... He gets out, wiping his whiskers and looking around paranoic.
Crowley turns off the car with a snap, and his hips take him back to the door, worried again. The truth is, this new approach was a bles... curse... a... well. Something damned brilliant that needed to be celebrated.
The demon wasn't sure if they were being followed... maybe they were, maybe they weren't, but he didn't even need to know to think about kissing him again at the door. But if they were following the angel... they had to convince heaven NOW.
Aziraphale hugs the champagne bottle as they walk to the door, worried and tense, continually thinking that... if he didn't usually come here frequently in normal times... coming now was madness! He didn't even know how to justify it to himself: I came because... I needed to be alone with Crowley to... have him kiss me until I forget my own name. How God hadn't shown up yet to KILL him was a good question.
Crowley glances at him, letting him do it, opening the door.
"I don't think it's the world upside down; we've always known that heaven's bastards."
"But it's supposed to be..." he's said it so many times that I think you could complete the sentence for him.
"Yeah, yeah, yeah... the bastards are the ones from hell," he adds, entering the elevator.
"Also... but I was supposed to love, Crowley. Purely and sincerely!"
Crowley looks at him... in that way, and he blushes a little, Aziraphale blushes too.
"N-No, not that I p-particularly d-do it," AH.
"N-No... No... Of course," he doesn't look at him.
"I-It's... perhaps if you're doing it too well," he looks at his feet and sways a little back and forth.
"P-Perhaps?"
"This is purely to... have a place to talk privately," he squints. For God's sake, if he himself had asked him to come here.
"Of course..."
"That's true. You bought champagne and chocolates... no one can have that on the underground."
"Oh, yes, there were chocolates," he smiles, teasing him.
"Shut up!"
Crowley laughs.
"You don't even like them, you bought them for me!"
"And you ate them on the underground... like a barbarian, apparently," he opens the door for him to enter.
"It wasn't like a barbarian!" the angel enters indignantly.
"But I know you," he closes the door behind him and smiles a bit predatorily again.
Aziraphale looks around a bit, relaxing as soon as the door closes, as if it provided some kind of absolute protection against his fellow angels.
"Do you know me in what aspect?" he asks, turning to him.
"Practically all."
"To say that I ate something like a barbarian... I don't eat anything like a barbarian," he swallows with that smile because... he's seen it before and starts associating it with Crowley being too close and generally making his legs shake.
"Not since the 16th century. And you complained then as well."
"The world was much more complex then! Even you complained!"
"I'm not saying you didn't," he laughs and goes to get a couple of glasses, the angel follows him, smiling a little. "Still, if I were the one forcing you to eat the chocolates on the underground, I can already imagine the drama of complaints and protests," he holds his hand out for the champagne.
"In fact, you kind of forced me," he hands it to him. "Could you chill it a bit more, dear, please."
"I told you to go to the Ritz," Crowley snaps his fingers, and there it is at the perfect temperature.
"I prefer being here," Aziraphale smiles. "Although I'm still surprised you can live with so little."
"How little? What's missing that I need?" he pours the glasses after opening the bottle.
"You were going to show me where you have the books I've given you."
"Was I?"
"Weren't you?"
Anyway, he takes out his phone and with an app, he spins a wall of the dining room to reveal the hidden shelves and hands him his glass.
"What... What is that?! How did you open it?!" Aziraphale's eyebrows raise.
Not only are there books, actually, there are a bunch of movies and records in various formats.
"They're the shelves, I don't like them to be seen," the minimalist guy.
"Ohhh! There are books and things," he smiles a bit, recognizing books that, indeed, he gave him. And even others that he didn't give him. "My dear, this is NOT fair, I could have been entertained here!" and not have gone to sushi, so stop complaining.
"Well, you just had to open them," he shows him the phone.
"And how was I supposed to know that... Ohh! This!" he takes out the first edition of "The War of the Worlds" that he gave him.
"What?" he looks at him leaning on the table, sipping his champagne.
"I gave you this one, I knew you'd like it! You told me you weren't going to read it and blablabla."
"I haven't read it."
"Oh... well... you should read it," he changes his expression a bit, let's not say he doesn't.
"I've seen the movie," yes, he's seen it and heard it on the radio, and he was SCARED when the idiot author read it as if it were real... he wasn't the only one scared! It wouldn't surprise me if this apartment had an air raid shelter because of it.
No, he wasn't the only one. But he's a demon, he knows these things!
"The movie doesn't have nearly the same charm," he puts it back on the shelf, pouting again. "And of course, all your movies. You have 'The Sound of Silence' we can watch?"
"Sounds of silence is an album."
"Well, it doesn't matter if it's a record or a reel or whatever."
"I mean, it's music."
"Don't you have the movie?"
He takes out his phone again and turns on the TV, playing the Simon & Garfunkel video clip on YouTube. Aziraphale blinks.
"Oh... no. I meant the other one, the one with the nuns."
Rolls his eyes.
"Sounds of music," he corrects and touches the phone again to access his cloud files on the TV.
"Ohh... that. That. Wait, first you have to tell me how everything went in hell," he gets a bit closer.
"Fine!" he smiles again because he rarely returns from hell SO happy and puts the movie on low volume, in the background.
Someone is not going to pay the SLIGHTEST attention to the movie. In fact, no one. The angel sits on the couch and takes his hand, Crowley lets himself fall next to him, taking off his shoes and putting his feet up on the chaise-longue, almost automatically sprawling out.
"So you went down," he smiles a bit, feeling how perfectly pleasant and familiar this is with Crowley.
"I had to get that pair out of there."
"I almost died of fright when I saw them... go down."
"I almost died of fright when I saw them there."
"Besides, we were... heavens. I can't believe they saw us doing that. Heaven is going to find out," he blushes.
"That reminds me that Dagon once bit an angel."
"Oh!"
"In a hand or so. And then he ripped off his arm," he explains, gesturing a bit about what he imagines.
"Really!?" he covers his mouth with his hand. "You have to be VERY careful," Come on, we've gone from "ZERO KISSES" to "you have to be very careful when you kiss me, because obviously you're going to kiss me thousands of times."
"That doesn't imply that it's poisonous," he shrugs.
"Dagon is not a snake."
"Well... okay, but... he's still a demon."
"Still, I'm not dead."
"Let me see," he leans in to look at his lip, taking his cheeks. Aziraphale swallows but lets him, without moving away, looking into his eyes, his lip is still a bit red and swollen, but definitely not worse.
"Mmmm..." he caresses it a bit with his thumb, and he slightly opens his lips. "It's still swollen, we should apply cold or heat."
"Is it worse? Hmm... cold or... h-heat?"
"Yes! A lot. I think it'll have to be quick!"
"Ohh... it hardly hurts. Ice?"
Crowley wrinkles his nose because that's the wrong answer and hands him the cold champagne glass. Of course, he had to say heat so that, of course, he could kiss him!
Aziraphale closes his eyes because he wasn't expecting that either, honestly.
"No, it's not working. With the cold it... hurts."
The demon sighs because now it's over.
"The thing is, we have to convince heaven that it will be more useful for them if you can spy on me than kill me. What if you pass them a summary of a few future plans? That might convince them."
"For spying or killing? Still... I was thinking."
"No, demonic plans. Maybe I could try to talk to Hastur or Dagon to find out what they're up to. So... invite them for a beer as the weirdest and most anticlimactic activity in the universe and try to wheedle out information so that you can report it."
"Oh, I see... tell them you came to look for me, that we've lived together cordially and that I've found out things..."
"Exactly. In the end, I'm trying to earn your trust, and it makes sense for you to ask me to tell you things and for me to tell you. You can benefit from my... false seduction attempts."
"False?"
"That's what everyone believes," Crowley smiles.
"Heaven thinks that I believe that..." Aziraphale caresses his face and blushes, removing his hand.
"I think like them."
"Do you think I believe that I don't?" he blushes a little more.
"I don't know, maybe you were implying that they're wrong."
"They are... but not in that." Crowley smiles, and Aziraphale turns his head, a little embarrassed.
"I must confess..." the angel begins. "That everyone thinks I'm stupid enough..."
"There comes the intellectual ego..." he teases. Aziraphale squints his eyes.
"It's just that... they assume that I..."
"You're innocent and gullible. And you are."
"Not entirely," he fidgets a bit. "You say it as if anyone could deceive me about anything!" Aziraphale protests, blushing, but the history doesn't help him at all.
"No? Tell me again about how God was going to fix everything. Or how all angels are good... or about the sword," he stretches. "Shall I go on?"
"The sword thing wasn't about being innocent and gullible! They needed it," he argues in his defense.
Crowley laughs because no matter how many times he repeats it, he always replies so indignantly.
"You are sometimes innocent and gullible too."
"Me? When?"
"When you think everyone sees you as a horrible demon," he explains.
"Pardon?" he furrows his brow. The angel smiles at him. "Not everyone sees me as a horrible demon, some also think I'm insufferable or terrifying."
"I know you have little of demon and quite a bit of a good person," he laughs.
"Why do you insist on that?" he protests annoyed.
"The one who reminds me every three minutes about the sword tells me that."
"I'm still surprised that I'm the only one who knows what really happened with it."
"Well, I'm not sure if it was the right thing to do."
"Seen in perspective... It was ineffable. Maybe they wouldn't have survived and wouldn't have... invented all this. We wouldn't have had any of it."
"Just like with the apple," he smiles. "I'm certain God doesn't approve of that kind of secrets."
"What secrets?"
"The sword... I think they're more comfortable assuming that I simply lost it."
"Or rather not even worrying much about you or what really happened until there's no other choice," he replies, looking at him out of the corner of his eye. "Truthfully, I could get you a pretty similar replica with hellfire, I bet they wouldn't even notice."
Aziraphale raises his eyebrows.
"If they don't believe what I put in the report, maybe it's time for you to get me one once and for all," so cynical. "Do I serve you better?"
Crowley finishes his glass and hands it to him, nodding.
"Nah. It's more fun this way, besides, you can't control that fire. It would destroy you," don't those words sound familiar? Aziraphale takes the glass.
"Come on, so... I couldn't take extra precautions to handle the sword."
"No. What were you going to do with it? Burn down the entire bookshop and not realize until it's too late because you're too absorbed in a story? I've been through that, no thanks."
"If I had a sword like that, I wouldn't get absorbed in a story with it on, but I... I find it interesting that you wouldn't give me fire for being dangerous."
"Well, you wouldn't be able to turn it off and on like the other one."
"And you don't think I could put it somewhere while it's on?"
"Like... where?"
"I don't know, in a container. But what catches my attention is... see? Do you see how one doesn't feel right about it?"
"What do you mean?"
"You got so angry with me about the holy water."
"That's completely different!"
"Different how, dear?" he hands him his glass and brushes his fingers quite a bit when he takes it.
"Water can be well sealed in a bottle and that's it! But we're talking about hellfire!"
"Holy water kills you just like hellfire kills me! You only need a drop, Crowley. It's the same thing. You could give me a hellfire sword and not... Just because you don't want me to do that. I just want you to see the parallel."
"It's just not the same thing, it can't be contained in the same way!"
"Still, hellfire can't fall on you in the form of a small drop while you're very protected and touch you when you're distracted."
"Sure it can, it sparks!"
"Ugh... well, anyway! That doesn't make giving you holy water a logical thing. You wouldn't give me hellfire, that's my point."
"It's just completely different things."
"Why?"
"Because it's different, water isn't harmful to anything other than me, but fire burns everything, not just you!"
"Still, you have to be very careful with it," he protests.
"Nah, I think I'll use it to make ice. And I'll put it in the whiskey, like playing Russian roulette. Will I drink it fast enough before it's lethal?
Aziraphale blinks and looks at him, Crowley smiles showing his teeth.
"Okay, that seems like a brilliant idea," the angel says sarcastically.
"I knew you'd like it."
"I'm fascinated. In fact, if you want, I can help you by blessing some of your whiskey bottles."
"Sure, go ahead. What's a little more nihilism in my life? And of course, you'll get promoted in heaven for it."
"That's what Gabriel would want... I can't believe heaven wants me to kill you and hell wants you to love me!"
"Also, they'd surely replace me with someone else, probably not Hastur, but... some other poor devil you'd have to stop and deal with just like you would with me."
"There's definitely no other demon I'd deal with the way I deal with you," he said without looking.
"I'd love to see that, actually," he smiles. "You'd hate them so much..." he squeezes his eyes shut, laughing. "Or well... maybe not," he turns to look at him. "You'd probably enjoy it, real demons. By the book. The ones who don't understand the world and tempt people and believe they have to do evil all the time. No pact. Always on the go chasing them trying to save souls and fighting against them. You'd get tired of doing exorcisms."
"And you think I'd really like that?!"
"That's what you keep saying," he smiles, knowing well he doesn't. "Instead of me being annoying and getting you into weird stuff with my charm, you'd behave like the exemplary angel everyone in heaven expects you to be."
"I'm not sure if that would work out so well, but it's what should happen!" he moistens his lips.
"And you wouldn't be able to have a bookshop, of course, you'd have to be constantly on alert, so..." he leans back again, looking at the ceiling and thinking. "You'd need a different kind of business where people come in and spill the beans, so you could find out about the enemy's plans. Something like a modern music bar," he chuckles ironically.
"I wouldn't have to constantly be arguing with the demon I'm stuck with because he asks me for indecent things... that's for sure. A music bar?!" he cuts the idea in half.
"Well, I wouldn't be asking you," he turns slightly on the chaise longue, propping himself up on his elbow to look at him. "But you'd definitely have to go deal with them."
"Ugh... that would be a nightmare. Just imagine having to go every day to really deal with demon stuff!"
"Well, they'd be small things, the rest of the demons tend to be more... crafty than me," he shrugs. "Did I tell you about the new types of employment? I'm still working on it because it's mainly a human thing, but they're going to love it. The trend is for employees to become companies and then big companies hire them as suppliers instead of employees, so they don't have to pay for their health or social benefits or deal with their taxes. And they can pay them for their services whatever they want because it's ultimately a negotiation between companies. It's brilliant!"
"That's... the reason why I SHOULDN'T be fraternizing with you!"
"Oh, come on..." he protests, throwing himself back dramatically. Aziraphale chuckles a bit.
"Don't think it's not hard to keep people working instead of quitting and living a complete life of waste with those things you come up with."
"Come on, if lately I haven't been exaggerating too much," he defends himself because later it backfires, like when he messed up the phone lines and couldn't make calls. Or when he stopped the London tube and then everyone went everywhere by car. Or when he made everyone addicted to Candy Crush, himself included.
"No, no, lately I've been keeping you pretty busy," he smiles differently.
"That too," he smiles... differently.
"I didn't mean it in that sense," he blushes.
"THAT is VERY recent."
"You said lately."
"Lately, LATELY... t-this has changed a bit."
Crowley looks at him for a moment and then puts down the glass... and the sunglasses on the table because he senses they're going to bother him. Aziraphale looks at him and smiles because he likes it when he takes off his glasses, he likes his eyes.
"Although..." Aziraphale starts.
"Another reason to do it. For that, and to see the eye-rolling he provokes with that although."
"Don't give me those eyes, my dear."
"No, no... alright. Go on," Crowley raises his hands in surrender.
"Don't you think there's an although? What do you think I'm going to say?"
"That it shouldn't, that everyone is against it and surely it's not part of the ineffable plan or something like that."
Aziraphale laughs nervously, because no, that's not what he was going to say. Although that sounds... better than what he was going to say.
"But you like the change anyway, so..." he gets up from the sofa to get the phone he left on the table before and then falls back again.
"It seems to me that it's not SO different. Well, what's different is different, but... Are you going to play with that now instead of talking to me?"
"I'm listening to you," he looks at him with the phone still in his hand.
"Hmmm..."
"Give me a minute, okay? I'm stopping the alarms... They should have gone off already if someone hadn't been messing with them and messing up all of them."
"Ah... before the house starts to complain. Okay. Okay," he takes a sip of his champagne. "I didn't mess anything up!"
"No, of course... I ordered my new surfboard to go surfing on the Thames."
"A surfboard?"
"And my adopted Cambodian child... it's my good deed of the month. You know me, I'm all about good deeds," he continues, though that has decided that... he can continue sending money, even if it's through another account under a different name that gets diverted to the Cayman Islands.
"Oh! Did you adopt a child from Cambodia? That's very sweet!"
"No, angel. You did. Just like you bought a surfboard, messed with my alarms, signed me up for a cat newsletter, and hired me a prostitute."
"A... What?! No! How could I have hired you a prostitute?!" he almost falls off the chair.
"She was at the door when I got back from the sushi restaurant."
"No! No... No! Where would I even get a prostitute?! And, worse yet, why would I want a prostitute for you?!"
"I don't know, maybe you wanted her for yourself since you didn't expect to find me there..."
The triple blink.
"For... me? To give her a sermon and invite her to a different life, perhaps. I wouldn't... I didn't... No! You can't think I would want a woman for... Crowley!"
"I'm just saying she was at the door and you complained about being bored," he smiles coyly.
"Don't be ridiculous! How could I have... how could I have been bored and thought about doing THAT?! I don't know what you do when you're bored, but I most certainly do NOT do that!"
The demon laughs because the desperate shouts are just too much.
"What did you do to the woman who came?!"
"Well, it's not what I usually do, but in this case, the girl had been waiting for quite a while, and since you had called her, I thought... What would Jesus do? And I thought of Mary Magdalene and..."
Aziraphale opens his mouth in response.
"No, no. No. Jesus wouldn't do that... you were supposed to... you left me there!"
Crowley laughs again because of course he didn't do anything except pay her (with counterfeit money) and send her home.
"And I had ASKED you... and..." the angel continues, indignant.
"I had asked you?"
"Of course! And then you came here and... Ugh! I should go home!"
"What had you asked me?"
"It's OBVIOUS!" he blushes.
"It's not obvious at all!" Crowley furrows his brow.
"I even bribed the man," he gestures with his hand.
"What did you do?" he raises his eyebrows.
"Somehow! I had left money on the table!"
"That was to pay for dinner!"
"There was too much left over, and I got up. It was all for... that!"
"So, you think I saw... not only how much you left, but also that I assumed I have the slightest idea of how much sushi costs, and that I also assumed it was a bribe and not... well, I don't know. Tip."
"It was obvious that I... that... you had been very close! And you just left! I think it's quite obvious that I'm not good at tempting anyone!" he's so generally indignant.
Crowley looks at him for a moment and smiles coyly. He tries to be somewhat cool, like "I'm not impressed, I'm just, well, you didn't do badly"... and he ends up with a look of infinite adoration... which completely blushes Aziraphale.
"W-What?" he asks softly.
"You were trying to..." the demon starts again.
"No! Of course not!"
He even sighs dreamily, and when he hears himself, he coughs a little and blushes.
"Don't look at me like that!" the angel asks quite hysterically, putting his hands on his face.
"I-I'm not... looking at you in any way" Ahem. Ahem.
"I'm not trying anything with you either!"
"Don't say 'either' as if..."
"This is unfair! You always... you make everything so easy."
"What do you mean?"
"Being... cool and in control almost all the time," and kissing me when you have to.
Crowley blushes and then puffs up like a turkey... and then remembers to play it cool. Pretending like... yeah, sure, it's very easy.
Still... he still can't get you to do exactly what he wants, when he wants. Aziraphale thinks to himself. "Because you came back from hell and only gave me ONE kiss in the worst place of all!" Because he still doesn't give you puppy eyes.
"For you, everything about seduction and... temptations is easy. Don't think I don't struggle against it."
"Of course, of course, incredibly," he's been flirting with you for six thousand years unsuccessfully. EASY.
"Don't think I don't have willpower. I mean, now... things are in a particular way that makes it possible to make the proposal," now you're just babbling.
How could he think you don't have willpower, when even he knows that you're the one in control in this relationship. He knows it, and we all know it. The angels in heaven know it, the demons in hell know it, and even the ducks in St. James's Park know it. For once... just ONCE, when he decides to take control and not do EXACTLY what you want... and look at the drama you're creating, you've been traumatized for three days.
"Because it's important to establish that I'm not just... letting myself be kissed just like that... it's part of the process that has evolved over the years... and... things are fine between us..."
Resist, Crowley. Resist! He moistens his lips, looking at you, and Aziraphale swallows hard.
"I-I'm saying... nonsense," he lets out a nervous laugh, with his empty glass in hand. "I-I'm just... it must be you. Or... I don't know... I-I would have to think about... I suppose it's normal. I just never, I-I had never..."
"Should it be me?"
"Maybe it's your... um, ability to tempt others. And I always tried not to fall completely, and now that I'm not trying... it must make it more, um, intense perhaps. Do you... feel it at least a little?"
"Intense...?" What nobody understands is why he's still so interested in all the blah blah blah as if you're actually saying something meaningful.
Aziraphale looks into his eyes, waiting for a response, and hesitates upon hearing it's a question.
"Well... yes. Intense," he swallows. "Or... isn't it?"
"Let's find out," yeah, sure, that's definitely what you're going to assess now, the intensity. He moves closer to kiss him again.