In the suburban tranquility of Langley Falls, Roger the alien, known for his eclectic disguises and unquenchable thirst for excitement, found himself embroiled in yet another whimsical venture. One balmy evening, while sipping an outrageously garnished martini, Roger conceived a groundbreaking idea—an idea that would fuse his love for substances of a psychoactive nature with the burgeoning phenomenon of podcasting.
"Hayley, sugar cube," Roger crooned, sauntering into the kitchen where Hayley Smith, the family's rebellious and environmentally-conscious daughter, was preparing a vegan dinner. "I've had a revelation of cosmic proportions, and I'm not talking about you or Franny's proportions either!" he added, taking a puff from a large doobie.
Hayley arched an eyebrow, accustomed to Roger's dramatic proclamations. "What's the scheme this time, Roger?"
Roger leaned in, his eyes glittering with manic enthusiasm. "A podcast, angel tooth. But not just any old podcast. One where every caller and everyone who comes on our show must be completely stonred. We'll call it... 'Blazes of Glory'"
"Are you hammered?" asked Haylee.
"THAT's IT HAYLEE! We'll go down in a blaze of glory by calling the show 'You're Getting Hammered!" replied Roger.
Hayley's initial skepticism melted into intrigue. "You know, that actually sounds... kind of amazing. I'm in. But I'm not getting high, you know that."
Roger waved a dismissive hand. "Of course, of course. You'll be the sober voice of reason. The yin to my yang. The Hayley to my Roger, the Nala to my Simba, put on those lion ears beeyitch"
"I really hope these lion ears are fake" said Haylee.
The Smith household was abuzz with activity as the first episode of "You're Getting Hammered" prepared to go live. In the basement, transformed into a makeshift studio, Roger sat behind a microphone, adorned in an ostentatious ensemble that included oversized sunglasses and a feathered boa. Hayley, ever the pragmatist, adjusted the sound levels and ensured everything was in place.
"Roger, I'm high" said Haylee, as she placed on her lion ears.
"Good sweetie. Ensure every guest wears those too. Now, let me get started, Nala!" said Roger.
"Okay, Simba!" said Haylee, giving Roger a thumbs up and blowing him a kiss.
"Ladies and gentlemen, bitches and bros, munchlings and crunchlings, extraterrestrials and earthlings," Roger's voice boomed through the speakers. "Welcome to the very first episode of 'You're Getting Hammered,' where reality is but a suggestion and your mind is the ultimate playground. I'm your enigmatic host and long lost backup singer for the Doobie Brothers-Leroy Doobie-and with me is the ever-sober, ever-lovely Hayley Smith imagine her in a bikini-reow!" said Roger as he wolf whistled at Haylee.
Hayley rolled her eyes but couldn't suppress a smile. "Ugh, don't make me swoon and
fall into your arms Leroy. Grrrowl!" said Haylee, as she smirked playfully at Roger
and winked while holding back vomit. She continued, "Anyway, hey everyone. Remember, don't try this at home."
The phone lines were open, and it wasn't long before the first caller was on the line.
"Caller number one, you're gettin' hammered! At least I hope you are! What's your theory?" asked Roger.
A sluggish voice crackled through the speakers. "Hey, uh, Leroy? Am I on the air?"
"Yes," replied Roger.
"How do you know I'm on the air?" asked the caller.
"Uhhh...I can hear you?" said Roger.
"How do you know you can really hear me? Anyway, this is Jeff from Colorado. I was just thinking... like, what if the Earth is actually a giant pork sandwich? You know, like, the continents are the bread and the oceans are the meat and stuff."
Roger let out a cackle of delight. "A pork sandwich, you say? Delectable! Hayley, what do you think?"
Hayley shook her head, bemused. "I think Jeff's been indulging a bit too much. But hey, it's a creative theory."
Later...
As the episode progressed, the theories became increasingly outlandish. Roger reveled in the absurdity, his infectious laughter filling the room. The next caller, a
man who sounded like his voice was disguised with a warper that made it sound very low and scary. He would soon introduce himself as "Victor"
Roger began speaking.
"We're talkin' Earth geography, shape of the planet, whether or not I was the legendary DB Cooper-that type of stuff. Victor, you're gettin' hammered, question is how hammered are you getting? Also when we're done with Victor I wanna open the lines one more time and get everyone's brutally
honest opinion on whether I was DB Cooper, seriously. But anyway Victor, go down in a blaze
of glory for me!" said Roger.
"Leroy, I have aquired a theory from undisclosable sources that's gonna blow your mind wide open and
devour it," said the mysterious voice. "Everyone says the earth is either flat or round, but I feel I'm risking my life to tell you this-I think it's rectangular"
Roger clapped his hands in glee. "A rectangle, bitch! You know I'd have to smoke twenty doobies to come up with something that profound. Now that's a new one. Hayley, can you imagine a rectangular Earth?"
Hayley laughed, her skepticism momentarily set aside. "I suppose it would make for some interesting geography. Victor, what makes you think Earth is a rectangle?"
"Well," Victor replied earnestly, "I was looking at a map. All those straight lines? It's got to mean something" he added.
Roger was nearly doubled over with laughter. "Victor you're a true visionaryh. Thanks for being so earth shatteringly high you son of a beeyitch" said Roger.
"I'm not done," said the caller.
"Oh you're not? Another doobie to go?" asked Roger.
"No, I was just thinking-I'm pretty sure everyone who doesn't think the Earth is rectangular
has a Walrus fetish" said the caller.
"Uhhh-could be who knows. I uhh-I think I see God-maybe Satan-the Easter Bunny?" said Roger.
The show continued in this vein, with Roger and Hayley fielding calls from increasingly inebriated individuals with theories that defied the laws of physics, logic, and common sense. Roger, fueled by a combination of exuberance and potent substances, became progressively more animated.
"Hayley," he slurred at one point, "I think we... we might be onto something big here. Like, universe-altering big."
Hayley, ever the anchor to Roger's unmoored ship, kept the show running smoothly. But as the night wore on, it became evident that Roger was reaching his limit.
The final caller of the night introduced himself as Bruce from California. "Hey man, I got this idea that... what if reality is just one big hallucination, and we're all just, like, figments of some alien's imagination?"
Roger's eyes widened, and for a moment, he seemed genuinely contemplative. "Bruce, you might be onto something. I feel like... I can almost see it.
Plants, trees, houses, an entire world. It's all hitting me now like a pile of bricks!"
But as Bruce elaborated on his theory, Roger's condition deteriorated. His speech became increasingly incoherent, and his flamboyant gestures more erratic. Finally, in the midst of a particularly vigorous exclamation, Roger slumped forward onto the desk, his feathered boa cascading dramatically.
Later...
Hayley sprang into action, cutting the live feed and rushing to Roger's side. "Roger! Are you okay?"
Stan, Francine, and the rest of the Smith family, who had been listening from the living room, rushed downstairs. Stan took one look at Roger and sighed. "I'll call the paramedics."
As Roger was carted away, still muttering about rectangular Earths and pork sandwich continents, Hayley couldn't help but laugh. "Well, that was certainly a memorable first episode."
The following day, as Roger recuperated, Hayley uploaded the episode, complete with a disclaimer about the dangers of excessive substance use. The podcast went viral, praised for its sheer audacity and the hilarity of its content.
"You're Getting Hammered" became an overnight sensation, with Roger and Hayley at the helm of what would become a series of increasingly surreal episodes. Despite the chaos, one thing was certain: Roger had found yet another way to leave an indelible mark on the world—or at least, on the podcasting community.
And so, in the quiet suburban enclave of Langley Falls, the legend of "You're Getting Hammered" began, promising countless more adventures and absurdities, all under the influence of creativity and a substantial amount of high-grade cannabis.