There was nothing happening within Riley's mindscape, even at the quiet hour of two in the morning, but even then someone was wide awake. It was hard trying to fall asleep as even trying to count dream sheep hadn't helped.
So that left Anxiety twisting and struggling to even get her mind to stop going seventy miles an hour with endless bad thoughts. It just wouldn't stop and as her exhausted green eyes stared at her ticking wristwatch, she got up and opened the bedroom door.
Carefully without much noise she slid her orange feet into the comfort of her favorite cozy blue slippers. She barely slid out as her thoughts dove into deeper 'what if's' then she could handle even by herself.
She had to handle it though, after everything she had done. The guilt, the stress, and even with the addition of the calm chair Joy had gotten for her.
Why are they all being so nice to me?
That trail of thought edged deeper even as she got to the lower step into the main floor of Headquarters. Though it was calm, quiet and oddly dark as the dream screen was transitioning into another dream.
She couldn't stop herself from thinking though, why didn't they all throw me out?
Anxiety wasn't paying attention to exactly where she was going, but slowly her feet took her towards where Riley's belief system stood. It a tangled ball of interchanging colors that flashed and almost leapt off of the pedestal it stood on called to her.
Just like the first day that she had joined the emotional team.
But ever so easily she also couldn't let herself get closer to it.
Not after all that had happened within the three days of hockey skill camp. Not after all of her 'decisions' literally broke Riley almost apart.
Not after it almost broke her apart as well.
Why am I even here?
She felt like a villain, like something that just didn't quite belong, something that didn't truly have or hold a place.
And while stressing out at every turn over small details, while important to herself…weren't important to the others.
So why was she here?
The quiet of the whole room barely resonated with the small orange almost radiating emotion, though she forgot who was on dream duty tonight. Her sharp green eyes still were focused on the belief system that made up Riley's new foundation.
"I'm not good enough".
The four little words echoed throughout the room. The words themselves overtook Anxiety as she dared herself to look as the erratic, flared ball of orange lightning was replaced again with a blue one.
"Who I am?".
Anxiety couldn't move as she watched the ball change again and again from red, orange, green, blue and back. Merge after merge, the tangled core itself sparked as one hand almost went to touch it. Make it stop.
But just couldn't do it.
Not this time.
Not again.
She wasn't paying attention to anything else around her as the only other sounds besides her tired, lingering sobs and the belief core was quiet footsteps behind her.
There was always somebody on dream duty, even if most of her fellow emotions hated the duty itself.
She didn't see the signs of a small, brick-shaped crimson emotion wandering towards her with a deep, shouldering scowl on his face.
Even as she looked back from the ball itself, her wandering eyes flicked back towards it and then onto Anger.
"What are you doing up kid? What are you doing near that!" Anger said, as he moved his one hand over to Anxiety's and nudged her away from the belief core.
Anxiety just gulped, a flow of thoughts racing up into her mind.
"I didn't mean to be up! I just couldn't sleep, couldn't allow myself to go to sleep" She pressed one still frantic hand over her chest, trying to relax but the flow of stress just urged itself out.
She could tell that Anger wasn't happy with her reply as he growled something under his breath and stormed to sit down on the couch.
"I wasn't going to touch it again!" Anxiety said, checking back to see if anything had changed but no..the same echoing lines came and went, "I promise I won't touch anything again okay!"
I didn't mean to hurt her.
She went to move to where the console's chair was and sat; though her legs felt heavy and so did her heart. If emotions even had hearts?
It was just too much, and still no response from the second smallest emotion that at the moment was busy reading his newspaper.
Anxiety breathed in, and then folded her hands over her lap and asked one simple question, "Why let me stay?" It came out in a shaky breath, as her teeth clenched hard together.
She pulled herself up, as her shock of orange hair whipped as she titled her head and asked again, "Why keep me I'm not good for anything"
The newspaper slammed onto the coffee table as Anger stood up, his body turned away from Anxiety. A faint glow showed along his bald head, a faint dim golden glow that took a few minutes to let out a curl of dark grey smoke.
It was hard enough that after those three days that Anxiety had felt the need to vanish. The need to completely disappear, and if not for Fear and Joy trying to calm her down..she would have done it.
But with Sadness and Disgust they both took her and the others being there in different ways. With Sadness she got along closest with Embarrassment, and spoke to Anxiety in the quietist of voices. Sadness never yelled at her for her horrible mistake, nor did she say anything behind her back.
With Disgust she took to looking after and out for the smallest of them all Envy. The childlike emotion and Disgust had gotten along like wildfire. But with Anxiety and Disgust, the green diva had almost taken to only speaking to her when needed. It felt forced from both ends.
Joy spent all her waking says trying to make sure everyone within the mindscape even Ennui and her were included though watched over. She couldn't really blame them of course.
The closest emotion to her was Fear. They had gotten very open about what they felt and thought, and even with his friendship Anxiety still felt like she was walking on eggshells.
But that feeling was strongest when she had to interact with Anger, as he never spoke to her once since the summer camp. Instead right out ignored her existence.
So alone with Anger and drawing a blank on what he would do after she had voiced her stress out loud. Anxiety grabbed her night gown in one hand and braced for impact.
The puffs of smoke were now dusted with an amber tone, rolling out as Anger slowly braced both hands onto the table. He turned to see the orange frantic emotion draw her body smaller and smaller into her gown, trying to let herself be as tiny as possible.
He stopped as he saw the thick condensed tears running down her face.
"Gosh kid, I'm not going to hurt you" His voice was low, almost so low she had to strain herself to her him. Anger blinked as the tears continued to fall; he stood stock still and started counting though the smoke was still rumbling around him.
Anxiety tensed.
"If you're not good for anything" Anger said his eyes oddly hard, balling one hand into his shirt as he took one step over, "than neither am I!"
Green eyes only blinked in solemn confusion.
"What?! But you never made any mistake like that! I almost made Riley lose everything!" She could hear him clearly stumble, even as her hands started to fiddle with her collar.
"I'm afraid that is not true" Anger stated, his eyes taking a glance at the dream screen as the dream flickered in the background.
The dream itself was oddly grainy, like it was a memory of a memory and played in a black and white kind of style.
Anxiety in confusion moved off her safety seat and whispered, "What's happening?"
The dream was cast as a younger Riley, an eleven year old Riley staring out of a bus window alone. The dim grey of the shadows cast around the young human showed a scene where there was nothing, nothing around her. In this dream one Anger knew the by heart now, and he knew it wasn't just any dream.
Anger blocked the screen or tried too, but the nightmare of running away lingered on the large white screen.
"What is that about?" Anxiety asked, placing herself near the red emotion as he froze there, unmoving.
Finally he let himself answer the questions, "It's because I did something stupid all the way back before you even showed up". His fists slammed into the console, letting the feeling of deep hardened hatred relent over the buttons.
Then all at once he stopped and pulled at his loose shirt, rubbing at his eyes with one hand, "You're not the only one who's screwed everything up!" He turned towards Anxiety and gave her a very small tired smile.
"Yes you made a huge mistake" Anger said but not before easing Anxiety back into her relaxing chair, "You also thought you were doing the right thing for Riley which turned out…wasn't helping her".
He flung his hand onto the console and squeezed his eyes shut as the image on the screen shifted into one of Riley being accepted back home.
"You know who else thought that he was doing the right thing..." Anger let his whole body turn away from the screen, "Only for that bright idea to completely tear my girl a part till she couldn't feel anything at all" His head began steaming with tiny embers of gold but he pressed on and locked his eyes onto the sad girl beside him.
"Riley almost lost any ability to feel anything because of me! And, if you don't belong here, then well..."
"But I locked you all away!" Anxiety stated throwing her arm between the storming Anger and the console that he was gripped onto so rightly she could see his fingers go white.
"Yeah you did" His voice quivered once, "But honestly kid, we need every emotion in here. Even us the more…negative emotions because maybe we can find a balance and a means to help her" He pointed at the screen at Riley, "Even if we both take it too far most of the time"
"What about what happened though. You probably hate me!"
Anger literally choked, "That's a strong word there" He shook his head, "Hate…uh no. It's more trying to understand".
"So you don't hate me?" Anxiety said.
"I think you're busy hating on yourself enough and I hate someone more than I'll ever hate you" Anger opened his one hand and put it on her shoulder.
"Is it yourself that you hate?" Anxiety whispered.
Anger closed his eyes, letting the inner breath try and calm the hard lump in his own chest, "Yeah it is"
"Does it ever go away?"
"With help it does" He said, placing one hand on her back and then staring up at the screen, "I just want to tell you you're not the only one..so don't hate yourself. Just learn from it and well..maybe try not to keep it inwards because then it begins hurting you"
"Okay"