This is me trying~ Taylor Swift
I sat through potions not bothering to ask any questions or trying to answer any knowing I'd be ignored as always.
Other than the dark hooded figures that feed on happiness that are standing at all entrances, everything else was normal, or as normal as things can be at Hogwarts. People were growing to love defence against the dark arts classes. By the third week, the whole class was able to perform the disarming charm. We then moved on to freezing Charm, Leg-locker curse and full body bind curse. It was easily one of the most fun classes we had. Except for yesterday's class, which was taught by Professor Snape instead. He said Lupin was sick but didn't say what was wrong with him, everyone hated it. Snape wasn't eager to help us perform the spells correctly, whenever someone messed up, he just barked at them to practice and not to come next class without perfecting it. Of course, in my case, he continued ignoring me. I had to resort to writing my questions on a piece of parchment so I could ask Professor Lupin about them later.
A few days ago, Conan had rushed to the Gryffindor table during breakfast to show me the daily prophet (his mom writes in the sports section so he gets the weekly subscription). The news was that Sirius Black had been sighted. A muggle saw him and called the police having seen him in the news.
"That place is not far from here," said Conan as he pointed at the address at which the muggle saw Black. "But there's no way he can get past the Dementors in Hogsmeade and around Hogwarts, is there?" I asked cautiously.
"Let's hope not, it would be very difficult to do so, wouldn't it?"
But turns out it wasn't so hard after all.
The Halloween feast was good as always, food was great. Sarah, Conan, Ginny and I made up some fake scary stories about all the scary things that might be in the forbidden forest, zombies, red caps, vampires and werewolves. Malfoy was still holding the 'Harry fainting on the train' bit, which was frankly getting boring and pathetic.
The feast finished with entertainment provided by the Hogwarts ghosts. They popped out of the walls and tables to do a bit of formation gliding; Nearly Headless Nick, the Gryffindor ghost, had great success with a reenactment of his own botched beheading. The bloody Baron was just directing though, I wonder how he died, probably a curse because he didn't have any visible injuries.
I ate so much that I was ready to collapse, but when Ginny, Sarah and I reached the portrait, students were crowding around it. I heard a sharp voice saying, "Somebody gets Professor Dumbledore. Quick."
"What's going on?" Asked Ginny as we reached Harry, Ron and Hermione through the crowd. a moment later, Professor Dumbledore was there, sweeping toward the portrait; the Gryffindors squeezed together to let him through, I kept tiptoeing, trying to see anything, but I couldn't.
"Oh, my..." I heard Hermione say breathlessly.
"What? What's going on?" I asked still trying to steal a peek.
"It's...The portrait" said Sarah who was tall enough to see above people's heads "It's gone, the fat lady is gone"
After peeves announced Sirius Black was the one that attacked the fat lady. Everyone panicked, shouts came from all over the place, and the portraits started yelling at each other in alarm. Professor McGonagall, Snape And Lupin, made their way into the crowd trying to calm us down. Not until Dumbledore bellowed "SILENCE" did everyone start to calm down a little.
He then sent all the Gryffindors back to the Great Hall, where we were joined ten minutes later by the students from Hufflepuff, Ravenclaw, and Slytherin, who all looked extremely confused.
"The teachers and I need to conduct a thorough search of the castle," Professor Dumbledore told us as Professors McGonagall and Flitwick closed all doors into the hall. "I'm afraid that, for your own safety, you will have to spend the night here. I want the prefects to stand guard over the entrances to the hall and I am leaving the Head Boy and Girl in charge. Any disturbance should be reported to me immediately," he added to Percy, who was looking immensely proud and important. "Send word with one of the ghosts."
So, we were left with sleeping bags in the great hall, with Percy bellowing that lights would be out in ten minutes. Sarah, Ginny and I found a corner and pulled our sleeping bags there, I stared around, everyone was talking in hushed voices, sitting around in groups, Gryffindors were reporting what happened with the fat lady to the other houses, I felt like I can almost see the panic spread through the crowd alongside the news, the faces whitening and the eyes bulging in surprise.
"Emma, are you alright?"
I flinched as Ginny's voice startled me out of my head, she put her hand on my shoulder.
"Listen, calm down, it's going to be okay, no one is hurt, Harry is okay and the Professors are going to look for him, it might even be a false alarm"
I didn't think it was a false alarm, I've been dreading something like that to happen since the term started, I was sure of it. I just didn't want to admit it, not even to myself. Black escaped from Azkaban. After all, I read and heard about that place, how can anyone expect him to be caught? I didn't expect it to be so sudden though. I mean if you look at it from his point of view. He went through all that trouble to get out of prison, crafted a genius plan to deceive the Dementors, found a way to keep hiding from them even though both wizards and muggles were looking for him, then just burst into Hogwarts and threatened the fat lady to let him in?! He didn't have a smarter way to get in? It didn't sit with me quite right. Why would he prove everyone's suspicions that he's after Harry? And for God's sake, how can he get through Dementors but not the fat lady? Is he too smart or too stupid?
"You know it's okay to be scared, right?" Said Ginny, pulling me out of my thoughts once more.
"I'm not scared" I lied
"You're sure?" Asked Ginny with a knowing glance.
"Yes I am, I'm just wondering how he could have gotten in here," I said absentmindedly as I stared at Conan, he was talking to a group of Hufflepuffs, two boys and a girl. They all seemed to be arguing about something, they seemed tense until the girl said something and they all laughed, I watched as Conan threw his head back laughing and felt a weird twinge in my chest. I then forced myself to tear my eyes away.
It was hard to sleep. After Percy closed the lights there was still some whispering here and there, head boys and girls kept trying to shush everybody. I just stared at the starry sky of the great hall, I hated being scared like that, dreading the worst all the time, sometimes it almost felt like a Dementor was sitting just next to me, except it was even worse. Fear was way worse than misery, fear paralyzes its victims, and it makes them weak and alone. People might do a lot of things that they usually wouldn't just because they're afraid, it breaks their mind into one emotion, and makes them ready to do anything to feel the warmth of safety once more. I wondered vaguely what the sorting hat was thinking putting the terrified little girl I am in Gryffindor, before I finally drifted off.
The next morning, Professor Dumbledore announced to the sleepy unfocused students that the castle was completely safe, I heard a few cheers that were mostly from Fred and George. Then everyone started getting up lazily.
As everyone went up to their dorms to change and maybe steal half an hour of sleep before class, I sneaked outside. I just had to get away from everyone for a second. The fresh air felt nice I sat down in the deserted clock tower courtyard and put my face in my hands, trying to think straight again. There's no need to be anxious anymore, if Dumbledore says we're safe, we are. Although Dumbledore said we're safe at the beginning of the term too. It felt like I was overreacting, especially since everyone else seemed to be alright, but I just couldn't shake the feeling that it was too close. I stared at the clear sky above, feeling my head clear a little, I decided to sit alone for a few more minutes and then head up to the Gryffindor tower.
Unfortunately, I couldn't even do that. Malfoy walked out into the courtyard a moment later with a sour expression on his face, like he was too upset that Harry didn't die last night. The moment he laid eyes on me, his frown turned into a sneer.
"What are you doing here, Potter, trying to be an easier target to Black?"
I sighed and clenched my fists, I didn't even bother forcing myself not to do it this time.
"I would really advise you to shut up right now, Malfoy"
"Ooooh, I'm scared now, maybe I should call Black to come to help me, he'll be able to get rid of you the same way he got rid of your lousy excuse of parents," he said smirking "Or he could ask for the Dementors help and take your coward brother in a matter of seconds"
That's when I lost it, all the panic, anxiety and fear that I stored those past several hours turned into anger in a matter of seconds, I didn't even understand all of what he was saying, but it didn't matter anymore, the familiar flaming hot fury sneaked into my blood, blinding me as always. I got up and took out my wand. Malfoy tried to take out his too, but he was too slow.
"Expelliarmus" I said sharply and caught his wand in my hand, I kept getting closer to him, but he was too proud and stupid to back down or even drop his stupid smirk. I pointed my wand straight at his chest.
"Petrificus Totalus" I whispered furiously. He definitely didn't expect me to cast a spell that fast, his eyes widened just before his arms and legs snapped together, and he started tipping sideways, but before he fell to the ground, I punched him in the guts with all the strength I can master, he fell to the ground with a loud thud, I almost punched him again, but...
"POTTER, STOP THAT RIGHT NOW" came Professor McGonagall's shrill voice, I cursed internally as Professor McGonagall and Lupin made their way to us.
"Finite Incantatem," said Lupin pointing his wand at Malfoy, he unfroze and let out a yelp, holding his hand over his stomach and twisting on the ground like a worm.
"Explain yourself right now, Miss Potter," said Professor McGonagall, she looked angrier than I've ever seen her, at least at me.
"He started it," I said a little too aggressively, I regretted my tone instantly.
"Really? Because you're standing here perfectly fine while he's on the ground in pain"
I didn't talk back this time, I was still angry at Malfoy and knew I couldn't control what I said so I just kept my mouth shut as Macgonegal kept yelling at me. What's worse is the way Lupin was staring at me, he looked... What's the word? Disappointed, which was weird for me, I've never disappointed anyone before; no one ever expected anything from me. When Macgonegal was done yelling at me, she stared at Lupin expectantly, and he sighed.
"I have to put you in detention, Emma," he said quietly, I couldn't meet his eyes anymore, so I just looked down and nodded.
"Saturday, my office," he said as Macgonegal pulled Malfoy inside, as he was having a tantrum, saying that I should be expelled "Now go to class, you'll be late"
Next Saturday I sat at dinner dreading my detention. It was my first time ever in detention and Professor McGonagall has been furious with me all week. Harry, Ron and Hermione being experts in getting in trouble, kept telling me that it wouldn't be that bad. I did feel a little hopeful that it was Lupin I was having detention with, but I couldn't stop thinking that maybe punching Malfoy wasn't worth all that. Just in time, Malfoy walked by the Gryffindor table with Crabbe and Goyle and made some mean comment about Dementor to Harry.
"You know, Malfoy, I was wondering, what's more dangerous," said Ron with a satisfied smirk "Dementors or a twelve-year-old girl?"
The Gryffindors around us all laughed as Malfoy's pale face flushed. You know what? I take it back, it was worth it.
My mood got even better after Conan stopped by the Gryffindor table and sat between Sarah and me.
"What are you two doing for the holidays?" He asked excitedly.
"I'm going home," said Sarah.
"I'm staying in Hogwarts, Obviously," I said, looking at my cold soup in distaste.
"Grand plans as always, but I'm sorry we have to postpone them a little," said Conan, who seemed like he was bursting to tell his news.
"Why is that?" Asked Sarah confused.
"Mom invited both of you for dinner on the first day of the holidays, she'll pick us up from the station and everything"
"That's great, wait I have to write to Amber so she can make sure it's okay" said Sarah almost as excited, taking a piece of parchment out of her school bag. I had a little urge to tell Conan to just take the Hufflepuff girl he's friends with instead, but I stopped myself because I wanted to go, and I didn't even understand why it bothered me.
"How will I get back to Hogwarts, though?" I asked.
"You can take the Hogwarts Express, it goes back and forth to Hogsmeade even if there aren't any passengers, what do you say?"
"Of course I'm coming, I'd love to," I said catching up to their excitement, I finally had something to look forward to in the holidays.
Later that evening, I walked into Professor Lupin's office, the place was packed, there were piles of books in every corner, not all of them were about defence against the dark arts though, some were charms and a lot were history, I even found a couple of muggle titles I recognized. There were a couple of magical creatures in glass cages, I didn't recognize them, but they seemed troubling. Lupin was sitting on his desk, writing a letter, when he noticed me, he set it aside, motioning for me to sit down, although I couldn't help sneaking a glance, the letter was addressed to someone called "Theodore Jones", next to the letter there was a cage on the desk, the creature in it looked like a scaly monkey, Lupin got up and picked the cage up with two fingers, which was weird because the cage seemed really heavy that most wizards would usually just levitate it.
"Erm...w-what do I do?" I asked nervously as he started staring at me.
"Well, you can just do lines," he said, putting a stack of paper on the desk in front of me "or you can tell me what happened with Mr Malfoy and then we'll see"
I stared at the paper and then at Lupin, he seemed to be genuinely giving me a choice. I thought about it for a minute, I've been wanting to fix Lupin's opinion of me anyway, but the thing is, I wasn't sure that story would fix it. I didn't really understand why I even cared what he thought of me, but I did. I sighed, nodded and then told him all that happened that day.
When I was done, Lupin just kept staring at me, I was sure I didn't come across any good in that story, and I didn't give myself any excuses either. When he kept staring at me, I took the chance.
"Listen, I... I don't mean it when I do those things, as much as I believe Malfoy deserves to be punched, I didn't mean to do it," I took yet another deep breath, realizing that I was about to say something that I'd never openly admitted before "I just sometimes get angry and I don't think about the things I do or say, and I don't always mean them. I don't want to be that way, I don't want to feel that way, I'm just like that"
I stared at the floor, regretting every word I'd just shared. I definitely shouldn't have said that much.
"You know, I used to know someone just like that," said Lupin, I looked up at him, he was smiling, I didn't expect that.
"Who?" I asked cautiously.
"Your mother, yes, we were friends at school, she was one of the kindest and loving people I've ever known, but she had the same problem. Sometimes she got angry and said things that she didn't mean, but she always regretted it later"
"Really?" It seemed almost impossible for me that I was similar to my mom in anything.
"Yes, my point is, your mother had one of the purest hearts ever, she was loving and forgiving, she gave everything for the people she loved and that's why everyone loved her, her temper didn't define her, it didn't make up her personality, people have faults, it doesn't make you a bad person, do you understand that?"
I pondered what he said for a second. I don't have a pure heart, I know that like I know my name, all the jealousy, anger and spite, it should never be compared with my mom's heart, the woman who gave her life for the people she loved. But I believed one thing he said, it doesn't define me, those actions, they don't make me a bad person, and maybe I can still change that.
"I do, I understand," I said smiling faintly "Do I still have to do lines?"
Lupin smiled, "you can help me feed those creatures instead," he said, getting up and taking a bag full of tiny fish and seaweed out of his desk drawer "Have you ever seen a Grindylow?"