Past Lives~ sapientdream
As the weather got colder and the Hogwarts grounds wore its white coat I got more excited about the holiday's approach, that was the first time in my life to feel that way. The genuine euphoria added to the promise of going somewhere in the holidays even if I'll go back to Hogwarts anyway, was all enough to improve my mood. Even Harry stopped whining so much about not going to the next Hogsmeade weekend, (I'm almost ninety per cent sure he found a way to go anyway). Blacks haven't been sighted or heard of since the Fat Lady incident. The Dementors were still lingering at the entrances, not that they were any use.
"Are you sure you're okay with it? I can stay, I mean I'm going back to Hogwarts anyway" I asked Ginny as we walked back to The Gryffindor Tower on the last day of the term, I was finally going to the walker's house tomorrow with Sarah and honestly, I couldn't contain my excitement.
"Sure you can, look at you, you're bursting to go," said Ginny with a smirk.
"No, I'm not," I said flushing a little.
"Don't worry about me, I'm a part of some complicated multitasked prank with Fred and George"
"You realize they give you useless tasks to make you feel like you're included, right?"
"Of course I do, I only fell for the 'go get your shoes and we'll take you with us' lie the first seventy-two times"
I chuckled as we reached the portrait, Ginny said the password.
"That's absolutely right, it is, fair lady, now are you skilled in the arts of duelling?" The fat lady had been replaced with Sir Cadogan who was hated by almost everyone but me.
"Well of course I am, respectable sir, how else do I survive my assigned quests" I said smiling as Ginny groaned.
"Aha, a true Gryffindor spirit, I then challenge you to a friendly duel"
"Well, I respect your challenge Sir Cadogan, but I have homework, let's postpone the duel then, I promise on my honour as a young maiden to meet your match"
"Very well then, you may enter as I will hold you to your promise"
I bowed with extravagant hand gestures and he swung the portrait forward and let us in.
"Please stay with Conan the whole holidays so I don't have to deal with that monologue every day"
"Come on, it's funny"
"Yes, really witty," said Ginny sarcastically.
"You're sure it's okay?"
"Yes, Emma, it's okay, besides, no offence or anything, but you're not really the potter I would miss"
"I have never been more offended in my entire life," I said slapping my hand on my chest dramatically, "just get over it, you can do so much better"
"You don't get it" said Ginny staring at her hands, having lost all sarcasm in her voice. I didn't get it, Ginny was smart and funny and unlike what I thought last year, she wasn't shy or scared, she could probably handle herself far better than I could, but she was still hung up on Harry. After everything that happened last year, she hadn't picked up the courage to even speak in front of him again. I didn't exactly hate the idea of them together, but I knew how thick he could be and I hated seeing how upset it made her sometimes.
"Don't get in trouble while I'm away" I said, changing the subject.
"No promises"
I watched from the train window as snow fell on the few remaining leaves on the trees. I was really excited about leaving Hogwarts at the holidays. Harry had been really worried about it and kept telling me to not be alone and to always have my wand and a hundred other things that made it feel like Black was after me not him. But this morning I didn't even see him, now that I think of it I realise I haven't seen him since the rest of the third years went to Hogsmeade. I didn't want to worry about it so I just figured he was upset about not going to Hogsmead once more.
For some reason, amongst the cheerfulness that had overtaken everyone, the train ride seemed far shorter than usual. We reached London before I knew it.
Mrs. Walker was waiting for us at the station, I hadn't seen her before now. She looked somewhat young, and had curly light brown hair and freckles, when she saw the three of us approaching she smiled widely and waved us over.
"Hi there girls, it's so great to finally meet you, I've heard a lot about you two," said Mrs Walker cheerfully "Wait, you're Emma and you're Sarah, right?" She continued pointing at us.
"No mum, that's Emma and she's Sarah" said Conan putting his hand on my shoulder.
"It's so nice to meet you too, Mrs Walker," I said a little awkwardly.
After we exchanged greetings and Sarah, being the social butterfly she is, had started telling Mrs. Walker about all the little adventures we had last year, as she called for a muggle cab.
The Walkers' house was on the outskirts of London, it was an isolated small house, with a garden that puts flower shops to shame. It seemed like there were flowers with all kinds of colours there is. There were the basic roses, tulips and lilies, but there were also some that I'd never seen before. Some were floating in a circular movement around their stem, some were colour-changing, I couldn't get my eyes off the garden.
"That's a really pretty garden Mrs Walker," I said, breath taken.
"Thank you, dear, I try my best to take care of it, my dad taught me gardening since I was just a kid, and I developed a love for flowers, I'm glad you like it"
The house was cozy and warm, there were even a few more potts and vases of flowers around, I don't know how I imagined where Conan lived, but I'm sure I didn't imagine that. It was a pleasant surprise though, I loved the place already, I imagined if in twenty years I had a house like that, but then I realized my house would probably be way more cluttered and messy, more like Professor Lupin's office.
We had a fun afternoon, Mrs. Walker told stories about Conan when he was young, and she tried to even show us some pictures but Conan had anticipated that and hid the albums, we played Exploding Snaps, and Conan showed me some of the kinds of flowers in their garden that he thought I'd like. I couldn't help but think about his dad all through this. He has never mentioned him, not once, there were no photos that included him and nothing that indicated that he lived there or even visited. I wasn't the only one who thought about it because Sarah almost asked him, but I elbowed her mid-sentence when I saw his smile fading and instantly changed the subject.
"Do you need any help?" I asked Conan as he was setting the table.
"No it's okay" he said and then looked at me for a second, "actually, can you get that vase behind you?"
It was one of the many vases that had different collections of flowers, everyone of them looking even better than the others, I reached for it and handed it to Conan, he put it in the middle of the dining table then took a rose from the middle of it, he handed it to me and went back to the kitchen get the plates from his mom.
I stared at the rose for a second feeling my face getting warm, I took a deep breath trying to get my expression intact, I caught Sarah's eyes, she was suppressing a grin, oh god I'd never been more embarrassed, I shot her a warning look. I stared at the rose, it was red and really pretty, I felt my face regain the little heat it just lost, so I quickly pocketed the rose and sat back at the table, trying to hide my face before he came back.
Thankfully, Sarah picked up a conversation about media with Mrs Walker and nearly forgot about my extreme embarrassment (I say nearly because she kept giving me knowing glances every now and then).
"Muggle media is really interesting, I mean in the wizarding world, the daily prophet is mostly the only trusted news source, but muggles have so many newspapers and known journalists, I guess it has to do with the population though, there's way more muggles than there are wizards in Brittain," said, Mrs Walker
"Plus journalism is not the only part of the press with muggles, you see, my father is a journalist, but my mom is a TV reporter, she delivers news on the television, it's way more popular that way, the news is more personalized when heard from a person instead of a paper"
"I know a few things about televisions, they're supposed to be like wireless but with a screen, I see how that can be useful," said Mrs Walker thoughtfully "What does your father write about?"
"Mostly politics, he even tries to explain it to me sometimes, he's really enthusiastic about it, when my older sister Amber got her letter, Professor Dumbledore himself had to come and talk him out of exposing the wizarding world"
"Well then we're not too different after all," said Mrs. Walker smiling "That's a real journalist spirit if I ever seen one, and you, Emma, what do your parents do?"
"I-I...erm...well-"
"Mom" whispered Conan, glaring at her.
"What?" She said, furrowing her eyebrows, clearly oblivious.
"I told you about that, it's Emma Potter"
"What does that have to do with... Wait... Wait, I'm sorry, The Emma Potter?"
I couldn't help but smile remembering Conan saying the same thing a year and a half ago.
"Yes," said Conan, exasperated
"Oh my god" she exclaimed, her eyes wide "Oh, love, I'm sorry, I'm so so sorry, I knew your name I just didn't really make the connection"
"It's okay, I promise, it's alright," I said forcing a smile, she seemed really flustered.
"But that means you're Lily's daughter, right?" She said after she was done apologizing.
I nodded my head, "why? Did you know her?"
"Yes I did, we went to school together, we weren't close or anything as she was only in her fourth year when I graduated, but I knew her enough, we were both involved in some study groups and chess club together, she was one of the brightest people I've ever met" she smiled, looking at me sympathetically, "now that I realize it, you remind me so much of her"
That was the second time someone compared me to my mother, I wasn't sure I liked it, I wasn't sure I liked Mrs Walker's sympathetic looks either.
"Chess clubs? You like chess?" I asked changing the subject.
"Oh yes, I was even a champion for a while, I tried to teach that one here, but he thinks it's boring" she said pointing at Conan with her head "Do you like chess?"
"One of Harry's friends taught me last year and since then I made it my life goal to beat him in a match"
Despite everything, I had fun, the food was good, not Mrs Weasley's good but good, I played a few chess matches with Mrs Walker, I lost them all, but she showed me a few techniques that might eventually help me win against Ron.
When Amber came to pick us up, we said our goodbyes,
"Goodbye, dear, you're always welcome here, okay?"
I nodded, hugged Conan and then we left.
Amber had promised to take me to King's Cross, she had a car and knew how to drive, which wasn't that common among wizards, but I guess being muggle-born is different.
"Is Mom and Dad by any chance spending Christmas with us?" Asked Sarah as she rested her head on my shoulder in Sarah's car back seat.
"No, I'm sorry, they still have to cover the holiday festivals, but Jason will come, we can watch Christmas movies and I can put as much magic in the decorations as we want," said Amber with a smile. Sarah sighed, but she forced a smile too, yawned and drifted off. When I reached the station, I took her head off my shoulder gently and rested it on the car window instead, whispered goodbye to Amber and left.
The station was as busy as it always is, but when I crossed the barrier to platform nine and three-quarters, it was almost deserted, only a few witches and wizards were getting on or off the train, all adults, they were probably going to Hogsmeade or delivering big deliveries to Hogwarts that can't be carried by Owls. I checked the watch Harry got me from Diagon Alley on my last birthday, it was ten minutes to seven, and the train was leaving at seven, so I boarded it. It was almost deserted. Trying to make the best out of the situation, I chose the compartment in the middle of the train where most of the popular kids (mostly Ravenclaws) always sat in. I felt the train move as I got in, it all felt eerie, I've never seen the train so empty or so quiet, I didn't have anything to pass the time, I should have at least taken a book with me, I thought I'll always have my friends with me, so I didn't really plan for the ride back which felt like it's going to be way longer, and boy was I right.
Listening to the constant sound of the train engine, I felt my head wighten, and my eyelids started to drop, I yawned and thought I should at least take a nap till I got there, I got up and took off my jacket so I can fold it and use it as a pillow, but then something fell from its pocket, Conan's rose, I looked down but couldn't find it. I knelt on the floor and stuck my head under the seat, finally, I caught a red glimpse, so I stuck my hand under the seat feeling around for the rose.
"Aha, got it" I whispered to myself as my fingers closed around the stem, I pulled it out and blew on the petals trying to get the dust off, but a strange sound echoing in the silence stopped me, it sounded like a metallic click, like a key turning in a door, it came from under the seat. I stuck my head back under to realize a little part of the black steel of the train's floor had been removed aside, but underneath there wasn't an open hole with the train tracks. Instead, there was what seemed like a pocket, a little space that looked like it was used for storing relatively little items. I got up and took my wand out of my jacket's other pocket.
"Lumos" I whispered and stuck the wand under the seat, trying to see what was stored in there, it seemed to be some old pieces of parchment, I reached as far as I could thinking how ridiculous I'd look if the train had more boarders, my hand finally reached inside the storing space and pulled the paper out. It seemed to be six or seven pieces of parchment folded around each other. I ran my hand on the paper trying to take the dust off, I was finally able to see some of the things written on, it seemed to be a list of some kind, I unwrapped the paper, there were six of them, and everyone with a date written on top, the oldest one was in 1972, I pulled it out and blew the dust off again until I was able to see what's written.
https/pin.it/22Y46uANs
It seemed to be a list of some things a couple of students back in the seventies wanted to do all year, it looked harmless until I saw the signatures at the end of the paper. I kept staring at it for almost a full minute. It seemed like my brain was unable to load information.
James Potter
Sirius Black
The two names echoed in my head
My father
And Sirius Black
What does it mean?
What does anything mean anymore?
I started looking through the rest of the papers with a fever, answers, I need answers, all the others were almost the same, a list of some troubles and silly pranks and the last item being 'get Evans to go out with me' with a cross next to it, not until the last one, 1978, this one had seven ticks next to it, and once more the signatures,
James Potter and Sirius Black.
James Potter and Sirius Black
James Potter and Sirius Black
James Potter and Sirius Black
James Potter and Sirius Black
James Potter and Sirius Black
Every single paper, my head was spinning. My father was friends with a murderer. A murderer that would sit with him and plan ridiculous little shenanigans to do together. A murderer who would help him make up spells and charms to achieve their plans. A murderer that would help him get with the girl he wants. A murderer who wants his son dead.
I put my head in my hands trying to make sense of it, trying to at least put the questions in my head in order. My parents died on the thirty-first of October 1981, Black was caught the day after, those papers prove that Dad and Black were friends at least until the end of June of 1979, which means that only two years before Black murdered thirteen people, he was sitting right here with my dad laughing about all the things they did through the school year.
When did they stop being friends?
Did they stop being friends?
Did Dad know about it?
Was he a part of it?
I shook my head vigorously the moment that idea hit my brain. Voldemort killed my father, he killed them, there's no way they had anything to do with him. But it's Voldemort, I don't even know why Voldemort was after them in the first place. I felt like I couldn't trust anyone, how many people knew Dad and Sirius were friends? How many hid it from me? And why did they hide it? And if my dad was somehow involved with Voldemort, what does that mean? What was right or wrong?
Voldemort killed people. I told myself, he killed my parents, he's the reason for all of my problems, but is he?
I didn't know anything anymore, everything was shady, and every information anyone had ever told me was doubtful. What if Black wasn't even a part of Voldemort's followers? What if he's his dark wizard? And what if Dad supported him? And if that was the case, then where does that put me? Do I support Dumbledore because I was told that's the right side? Do I owe more loyalty to Dumbledore or to the man who gave me my life and died to ensure I keep it?
I'm spiralling, I should stop thinking like that, it's just one fact. My dad was friends with Sirius Black, yes, but there's probably a better explanation, maybe they stopped being friends after they left Hogwarts, two years is not that little, two years ago I was alone on a bench at my muggle school, crying because I had realized that I hadn't talked for three days straight because Harry was the only one that cared to listen to me and he was in Hogwarts. Now look at me, a lot of things can happen in two years. But my brain wasn't having any mercy on me, crazier and crazier thoughts kept catching up in my mind, I wanted the truth, no one thought to ever tell me the truth, I needed to know, I needed to understand or my mind might eventually kill me, I was so sick of the stupid lies. A voice echoed in my head alongside the questions, "he'll be able to get rid of you the same way he got rid of your lousy excuse of parents,"
What did Malfoy mean by that, I haven't thought of it because I got so angry every time I remembered this encounter, but I assumed he meant because Black was on Voldemort's side, and why did Malfoy know more about my parents than myself? What did it mean? Is Black the one who killed them? Well, then how did Voldemort disappear then? Nothing made sense, nothing was logical.
I needed the truth, I was so sick of the stupid lies, that I realized bitterly that there's no adult in my life that I can trust to tell me the truth about anything, I'm constantly lied to over and over again.
Your parents died in a car crash.
There's no such thing as magic.
Hogwarts is safe.
All lies build over lies, what's the point of anything if I'm living in a big lie?
I was in a loop and I couldn't get out of it, theories, questions, realizations.
It seemed like I'd lose it before I even reached Scotland.