Jere's POV

It was like a movie played out in front of me, the tensions were so thick in the kitchen while I stared at Belly. She was staring at me, surprised that I'd just told her such a scandal. It was hot in the room, even though I could hear the woosh of the air coming from the vents. She put her hand back on mine, her pink lips were pursed and her big brown eyes looking at me like I might just be the last shred of hope for happiness and sanity she had left. Her chest was heaving with every breath she took.

I didn't move my hand from under hers, my resolve slowly melting away as she rubbed a circle on my hand with her thumb. Each completed circle pulling me closer and closer to dropping any will power I'd built in my head. "But, I'm still your best kiss right?" She asked in almost a whisper. I didn't realize I had been holding my breath until I let it out, taking in another sharp breath. "Always."

Of course, of course our kisses were life changing. They literally changed our lives. If I'd never kissed her, I might also have been happily married with kids of my own, instead of sitting in the family beach house trying to hide my erection from my brother's wife. Or would I be miserable because all along it was always meant to be her. My Belly.

Am i in love with Amanda? or am I just trying to find something to hold on to, someone to fill up gaping holes in my soul. Images from lastnight flood my mind as Belly draws circles on the inside of my palm. Amanda giggling, her eyes bright with happiness and me feeling whole for just a moment.

"Bells," I say with a long dragged out sigh. "As much as I want to throw you down onto this flimsy breakfast table," I take another deep breath and exhale. Belly's eyes flash with mischief and excitement at the thought. "I can't, I really can't. I don't know what I'm doing with my life and either do you."

I hesitate but eventually pull her hand off mine, her bright eyes dim. Her thread of hope cut loose, our moment dead. She places her hands in her lap and nod solemly. "You're right."

I can't stop myself from caressing her cheek with the back of my hand, leaning forward to be closer to her as she leans into my touch. Her eyes close involuntarily and she makes a low moan.

"Mmm," she purrs against my hand and I almost lean forward and kiss her straight on her perfect pink lips. Her lips are swollen from her chewing them while we talked and all my mouth wants to do is chew on her bottom lip while I hear her say my name.

Damn it Jeremiah! Stop.

I pull my hand away and her eyes fly open, "please, Jere," she pleads and I know she's asking for more than just a kiss, or a caress. I know my Belly and she wants me to give her everything we never got to have. I shake my head in response, I can't bring myself to say no to her, but I can not do what she is asking.

"Connie, will be back with the girls soon." I cough out. "Let him know I stopped by." I stand up, my legs weak from our brief interaction.

I don't wait, I can't stay here any longer because I don't have the strength to stop myself from undressing her and taking her, having her right there on the kitchen floor. I won't even have the will power to make it upstairs to a bed, if I don't run now I'll be butt cheeks out in the kitchen. I can't be the bigger person forever.

Once I'm in my car I call Amanda and she does not answer, of course not. If I know her she's already changed her mind, sabotaging her own self like she's done before. Even if Amanda didn't want to be a real couple, I still couldn't have my brothers wife… right? Of course not, it's wrong. I'm not that guy.

The drive back home felt longer than ever; my mind replaying every second with Belly. Every thing I said and did, everything I didn't do. A dark voice in my head telling me I should have just had her, that I could have just been with her even just once was enough. That making love to her would be some sick and twisted closure, but that's a Conrad thing. He's the one who would kiss her while I'm not there, or have her behind my back. I was always the nice guy, the good Jere. Good old Jeremiah.

I went straight back to my place, threw my clothes off and got into sweat pants and a grey shirt. I didn't feel like going anywhere, I would sit and wallow in my own self pity. On one end my brother's wife wants to rip my clothes off and on the end end, Amanda is probably going to avoid me from now on.

Stupid of you to think you could move on and be happy.

Maybe being the good guy was my problem, maybe it was time for a change. Time for me to be someone only worried about my own happiness and my own self fulfillment. It was like a light bulb went off in my head. I was done, absolutely done with everyone. I would no longer be a people pleaser and only please myself, something I'd never done in my life. I've always tried to be the good guy, the mindful one and if I wasn't so damn thoughtful Conrad wouldn't even be with Belly in a shitty marriage. I'd have married her years ago, having her every night and making her mine. I don't have to sit by and let Amanda self destruct our chance at happiness either, trying to change her mind. I'm done, the next situation that happens I am going to only make decisions based on my wants, my needs and my desires.

In that moment I see Amanda's face flash across my phone screen, I hit the green button immediately. "Hello?"

"Hi," she says timidly. "Can we talk?"

"Okay, let's talk," I grumble.

"I mean in person."

"I'm home, you can come over if you want."

"Well, I'm worried there won't be much talking." She lets out a chuckle and I smile.

"Sounds fun to me."

Amanda sighs through the phone. "If I come over, can we only talk?"

"Of course." I mean just because I'm becoming more selfish doesn't mean I'm going to force myself on her. "But, if you try something I won't stop you."

She lets out another chuckle. "Okay."

The line goes dead and I groan. I've got way too much pent up… energy. And if Amanda comes over I can't promise I won't take one look at her and pull her onto my lap like last night. But if she is coming to end something that barely started, fine. Let her.

Twenty minutes later she's in my living room, in a red dress with black flats and a matching hand bag. "You're all fancy," I say pushing a strand of hair behind her ear. She smiles up at me, her eyes worried for what reason I don't know.

She looks uncomfortable like she has something to say, but she also doesn't know how to say it to me. "I was suppose to meet with friends."

Funny because last I talked to her this morning she and I were supposed to meet up and now she has plans to go with friends. This is classic Amanda. "Sorry to stop you," I say with a shrug.

I leave the doorway and go crash on to the armchair, Amanda, follow suit and takes a seat across from me.

"What did you want to talk about?" I ask with a low grumble in my stomach. I already know what it is.

She takes a deep breath, swallowing hard before she talks. Her hands are folded in her lap, and I know she's about to tell me some absolute bullshit. "I think lastnight was… not a mistake but maybe we moved too fast."

She fidgets in her seat.

"Okay," I let out a sigh. "I don't think it was a mistake, but I respect you wanting to slow down."

She nods.

"So no more sex." I shrug. "I can handle that."

"Oh," she looks disappointed m. "No, I want the sex. I just don't think we should rush a relationship out of this."

"What?" I didn't mean to sound shocked or appalled, but I was so she wants to be with me physically, but not to be with me in a relationship. "Amanda, we've known each other longer than most people who start dating."

"And if this is more than just hot, steamy-" she closes her eyes for a moment savoring the thoughts in her head. "-amazing sex. Then absolutely, but you were just in love with Belly like four weeks ago or something."

"I was not."

"Yes you were, stop lying!"

I look down. She's right. Hey, who am I to deny her my body if that's all she wants and nothing more. If she wants to absolutely destroy our friendship because she's afraid of intimacy and opening up emotionally then that's exactly what will happen because I'm not going to run around being the nice guy trying to convince her that there's more here than whatever she's concocted at her mind I'm exhausted and I'm tired in the first step I'm going to being selfish, is absolutely being friends with benefits.

"Okay."

"Okay?" She repeats.

"Yes, I know there is more between us."

She smiles at me, her eyes big and bright like before. "You believe that?"

I nod. "I know there is, but I don't mind being on top of you every night till you figure it out."

Her cheeks turn red from my words and she licks her lips at the thought. Last night was more than just good and she knows it, she knows that we connected in a way that we've both never felt with people. But, I haven't been with Belly to compare.

"I know you need to get going, to meet your friends." I clap my hands together and give her a wide smile. She's all dolled up with people to see, even though I'd like nothing more than to satify my needs, I can't help but remember my promise to not let anything more happen.

"I could reschedule…" she bats her eyes at me life I'm some stranger she just met in a dive bar, her lips full and cheeks flushed.

I have to be selfish, I have needs too!

Some new persona that I'm trying to build in my mind is talking louder, becoming stronger and all of a sudden I find myself worrying about only what i want in that moment. And i want it now.

I nod, patting my lap. "You could and you should. Maybe then come sit on my lad, maybe let me rip your panties off and feel you up..."

Amanda's eyes go wide, she might be shocked or upset but she still stands up, walking over to me and pulls her dress up slowly, only enough to climb on top of me. She leans closer to my ear and purrs. "What panties?" And I realize she never really thought we'd just talk. Silly me.