Chapter 31: In which dungeons are delved.
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AN: Hello, now we can dig dungeons and all that.
Apologies for how long this took, it was packed. I had review for finals, finals, a trip to Disney, two weeks dogsitting, and then packing up my parents house because they're moving. Doesn't help that I've also gotten back into minecraft. (I just mined a doublechest worth of dirt with my bare hands, send help.)
[Ah, minecraft addiction... Someone fuckin save me, Hypixel Skyblock won't let me leave!]
Also, according to a friend of my siblings, I kinda look like Jschlatt. I don't see it, I think it's just because I have sideburns.
Beta'd by the (I'm running out of words for good that start with an s, suggest some in the comments please) Sora
TW: usual stuff with Northwests' being terrible parents/role models.
(Author)
[Sora]
Discord: /eSSP2GtYQS
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Dipper, Mabel, Pacifica, and Stan are lounging in the gift shop. Mabel is lying on the floor with a bag of cheese boodles. Dipper sits on the ground reading journal 2 next Pacifica who borrowed one of Mabel's romance books. Stan sits on a barrel reading the Gravity Falls Gossiper. The Mystery Shack is closed for repairs, and the four don't have anything better to do with their time.
"I just ate a bag of Cheese Boodles without using my hands. Lazy Tuesday, you are delivering in a big way!" Mabel declares happily.
[Hear me out, instead of "Lazy Tuesday" let's have "Lazy Lunes" which is monday in spanish and flows better. Eh? Eh? Whatcha think?]
"Heh. Yeah. It's nice to finally have a day where nothing interesting happens whatsoever." Stan agrees, jinxing the peace and quiet. The vending machine bursts open, and Ford chases a one-eyed tentacle monster out. Dipper, Mabel, Stan, and Pacifica scream.
"Everyone, get down! Don't let it taste human flesh!" Ford bellows, diving after the creature.
"What is it?!" Dipper asks in fascination.
"Can we keep it?" Mabel requests.
"Keep it away from me!" Pacifica shrieks, grabbing onto Dipper and pushing him in front of her.
"Kill it! Kill it!" Stan yells, slapping the monster with his rolled up newspaper.
Ford manages to corner the beast, and edges forward. "Patience... and," the creatures eye turns into a mouth full of teeth and Ford lunges. "Gotcha!" Ford holds up the creature not unlike a cat showing off its hunting skills to its owner.
"Great. Now get it outta here. It smells like if death could barf." Stan gripes. Ford heads toward the basement with the creature, and Dipper rushes to intercept him.
"Great-uncle Ford! You need any help with that? I've read all about these creatures in your journal, and I think I know how to-" Dipper starts before being interrupted by Stanford.
"No! I'm sorry, Dipper. On the dark, weird road I travel, I'm afraid you cannot follow. Well, call me for dinner!" With that, Ford closes the vending machine.
"Maybe next time then? Or not? Or never." Dipper says, looking at the vending machine forlornly.
"Aww, Dipper, don't take it so hard." Mabel reassures.
"Yeah, I'm sure you two will go on an adventure together." Pacifica agrees.
Stan sighs. "Listen kid, I talked with Ford and we agreed: his work is just too dangerous. Maybe when you're older, but right now I just don't feel comfortable with you risking your life."
"But, Grunkle Stan, all summer long I've wanted to know who the author of the journal was. Now the guy lives in our basement and I can't even talk to him." Dipper whines.
[Ngl, I wouldn't complain about sleeping in a basement, sounds a lot more cold and comfortable then above ground.]
"Don't worry about what's in the basement. You belong up here with me and Mabel." Stan says.
"Yeah! Besides, the season finale of Duck-tective is airing this Friday! That's all the mystery you need this week. Come on, quack with us, Dipper! Quack, quack quack quack!" Mabel starts quaking to try and cheer Dipper up.
"Ha ha, yeah! Quack quack, quack, quack quack quack!" Stan joins Mabel in going… quackers.
Dipper looks longingly at the vending machine.
"Quack quack! Quack!" Mabel quacks in Dipper's face. "Why isn't he quaking?" She asks Stan. Pacifica looks at Dipper sadly.
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Mabel lies on the floor in the living room as she writes a letter to her parents. "Dear Mom and Dad, we've been in Gravity Falls for a few months and so much has happened! Just yesterday gravity reversed itself, almost destroying the universe and totally wrecking the whole town!" Mabel pauses her writing as the news shows Greasy's Diner, where Lazy Susan is giving an interview in front of the destroyed restaurant.
"Well, they say it was an earthquake, but you know what I think? I think I'm gonna have to start serving pineapple right-side up cake! Haha! Am I right?" Susan jokes before pausing and pondering. "Am I right?"
The news cuts to Mayor Befufftelfumpter giving a speech in front of the town. "Let the rebuilding of the town begin! Wrecking ball, start wrecking things! Hahaha!" A wrecking ball smacks into the news station's broadcasting tower, and the TV dissolves into static.
Mabel resumes writing. "But the coolest part of the summer was when Grunkle Stan's twin brother came out of this portal-thingy. Now we have two grunkles for the price of one! And they are adorable together!" Mabel draws a picture of the grunkles holding hands and, in a falsetto voice, says, "We love each other so much!" before making kissing noises.
Pacifica, who is sitting on the recliner, looks down at Mabel. Pacifica looks slightly disturbed, and is about to comment when Dipper bursts through the back door.
"Mabel! Pacifica! You'll never guess what I found at the store today!" Dipper exclaims, holding on to a brown package.
[Military MRE's? GIMME!]
"Dogs! Dogs with hats!" Mabel guesses.
Pacifica observes how excited Dipper is before she makes her guess. "The next book in the Champions of the Greeks series, The Attribute of Minerva?"
"No, It's my favorite fantasy-talking, level-counting, statistics and graph paper-involving game of all time: Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons!" Dipper asks excitedly, holding up the box before processing what Pacifica said. "Wait, the next book is out?!"
Pacifica shrugs. "Yeah. Dick Diordian is… was an old family friend." She finishes sadly, reminded of what she lost. Mabel reaches out a hand comfortingly, and Dipper tries to cheer Pacifica up.
"Well, uh, You wanna play Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons with me?" Dipper suggests and Pacifica blinks through a slight misting of tears to smile at him.
"Sure." Pacifica says softly.
"Well, I do like unicorns, and that hot elf looks promising." Mabel interjects, looking at the cover art. "How do you play?"
"The rules are simple." Dipper states, opening the box and pulling out an arcane tome titled Rules, volume 1. "First, you roll a 38-sided die to determine the level of each player's statistical analysis power orb. These orbs relate directly to the amount of quadrants that your team has dominion over, which is inverse to the anti-quadrants in your quadrant satchel." As Dipper explains, Mabel's excited face slowly turns into a frown. Pacifica is somewhat unsure at the density of the rules to begin, but puts on an excited face when Dipper looks at her.
"And then we ride unicorns?" Mabel asks, somewhat exasperated.
"Yes." Dipper says, causing a giant smile to break out on Mabel's face. "And no." Mabel frowns angrily. "First, we make a graph." Dipper holds up a graph.
"Ugh, this is like "Homework: The Game"." Mabel complains. "I'm gonna go find something not totally lame to go do." Dipper sighs as his sister walks off before digging in the box.
"Well, we don't need her, do we Pacifica?"Dipper asks, setting up the board. Pacifica doesn't respond, her mind working itself into a knot.
'I don't know if I'll like this game, it seems like… a lot. But I also want to spend time with Dipper. This game also seems like something he enjoys. If I play, it could be a good bonding moment. I'll give it a chance. After all, it is a women's place to agree with men.' Pacifica makes her decision at the same time that Dipper realizes she hadn't answered.
"Pacifica?" Dipper asks, looking up from the small amount of the board he had set up. "You do want to play, right?"
"Yeah." Pacifica is quick to reassure her boyfriend. "I was just thinking." She slips off the recliner to sit next to Dipper.
"Okay." Dipper nods happily before returning to setting up the game space. Before Dipper can get far, though, Soos walks into the living room.
"Hey Soos!" Dipper greets. "You wanna play some D&D& more D?"
"Aw, sorry, Dipper, I don't go in for that pen and paper kind of stuff. I'm more of an FCLORPer."
"A wha-?" Dipper asks while Pacifica mouths FCLORP in confusion.
"FCLORP: Foam and Cardboard Legitimate Outdoor Role Play. It is where a passionate brethren of craftsman, bring their dreams to magical reality." Soos explains, holding up a bracelet with FCLORP on it. Soos proceeds to have a flashback of him, Deputy Durland, Sherrif Blubs, and Toby Determined hanging out in Soos's grandma's backyard.
Dipper and Pacifica couldn't see this, of course. To them, Soos just stopped talking and looked at the sky for a few seconds.
"Well, thanks anyway, Soos." Dipper says.
"Say, is this that game that's mostly math and writing and isn't anything like the picture on the box?" Stan says while rubbing his hands as he enters the room.
"Yes! It is! You wanna play with me, Grunkle Stan?" Dipper offers excitedly.
"Ha! Look, kid, I prefer to do my dice rolling in Vegas. Besides, only a game designed by nerds would have "charisma" as a fantasy power." Stan rolls his eyes before grabbing the rule book. "Heh. Check this out: When facing yon adversaries, shield thyself, under an elfin buttress."
[THE Bard will remember this.]
"Heh heh, buttress." Soos chuckles.
"Hey!" Dipper exclaims, grabbing the rule book from Stan. "Laugh all you want. You guys just aren't smart enough to understand it." Dipper says snootily.
"Sorry, dude, but it is kinda nerdy." Soos says. "Well, I'm off to lay siege to a goblin fortress. To my grandma's backyard!" Soos runs out the back door, having pulled a cardboard helmet and sword from who knows where.
Dipper sighs. Stan sits on the recliner and lies back before he pulls out a nail clipper and pulls off his socks. Dipper and Pacifica watch in horror as Stan begins to cut his off-yellow toenails. Dipper and Pacifica trade looks before grabbing the D&D& More D box and running outside.
Stan chuckles. He then turns the TV on and switches the channel to the Black and White Period Piece Old Lady Boring Movie Channel. "Stan, you're good at this whole, "Parenting" thing." He congratulates himself.
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"Oh nice! You rolled a 17!" Dipper exclaims before checking a stat block. "You deal 2d4 damage to the Gremloblin. As it falls to the ground, you notice a hole in the ground nearby that seems to glint in the sunlight."
"Uh… I go look inside the hole." Pacifica says.
"Alright, roll for perception." Dipper instructs. Pacifica's eyes widen and she rolls her d38. "30? Alright, you look inside the hole and see a couple gems and an assortment of other shiny objects."
"I grab the jewels and check the other items to try and find any weapons, magic items, or just anything worth selling."
Dipper nods before checking his notes. "The only item of note you find is the cloak of billowing. You can spend a bonus action to make the cloak billow dramatically."
(This is a real DnD item btw.)
[As it should be.]
"Um, I put on the cloak, I guess?"
Dipper writes something down before looking at Pacifica in confusion. "Hey, did you hear tha-"
A massive explosion originates somewhere below them. Next to the pair, a shape is shot through the ground and into the air. Dipper recognizes the shape as Ford whilst the old man screams, plummeting back down to earth. Ford lands with a crash.
"Oh my gosh! Great Uncle Ford! Are you alright!" Dipper screams, running over to the crumpled form of his great uncle.
"Oh, I'm perfectly fine." Ford reassures casually, wiping some dirt from his body as he stands. "This is why you always wear a reinforced body sleeve. Well, I'd best get back to work."
"Shouldn't you… I don't know, relax after a fall like that?" Pacifica asks.
Ford seems to tighten slightly. "No. I've fallen farther in the past. Heck, this time I wasn't even wearing a jetpack."
"You invented a jetpack!?" Dipper asks, stars in his eyes.
"No. One of the groups I was staying with used jetpacks extensively, and they also got into a frankly ridiculous amount of fights." Ford responds. Ford starts walking towards the shack when he notices something on the ground. "Wait! Is that a 38-sided die from Dungeons, Dungeons, and More Dungeons?!"
"Yeah! Y-you know that game?" Dipper asks incredulously.
"With pen and paper, shield and sword..." Ford says seriously while posing. "Our quest shall be our sweet reward!" Dipper joins, finishing the second half simultaneously. Dipper and Ford start laughing.
"This is my favorite game in the whole multiverse! I can't believe they still make it!" Ford says happily.
"They do!" Dipper agrees excitedly.
"My boy, do you know what this means? We must stop everything I've been working on at once... and PLAY!" Ford grips Dipper's shoulder. Dipper looks like Christmas came early, while Pacifica is once again uncertain. She gets the feeling that Ford doesn't really like her.
"Oh my gosh, this is incredible! You must be a master dungeon master!" Dipper says earnestly.
"Oh, I wouldn't say that. Hey, let's head downstairs, there's more room." Ford suggests.
"I thought we weren't supposed to go downstairs." Pacifica points out.
"Eh, it'll be fine." Ford waves her off. Pacifica narrows her eyes at him.
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Stan and Mabel are in the kitchen, plotting. "Okay. We've got everything we need to watch the season finale of Duck-tective tomorrow." Mabel says, holding up a tray full of snacks. "I even made mouth-ramps so we can pour food into our mouths without taking our eyes off the screen." Mabel then provides a demonstration. "Nom nom nom."
Stan staples a turkey's head to a beaver's body. "And I recreated the main character out of some spare taxidermy parts." He then does an imitation of the duck-tective. "Quack quack. I'm the duck detective! Who stole my breadloaf?"
Mabel laughs. "That is so messed up! Dipper would LOVE that!"
"Heh. Yeah. Where is the little squirt anyway? I haven't seen him all afternoon." Stan asks.
There's a knocking on the window, and Mabel looks over to see Techno. She walks over and opens the window. "Hey Techno!" She greets happily.
"Hallo~. Do you know where your brother is? I came to give you and your brother something." Techno responds.
"Ooh, what!?" Mabel asks excitedly.
"It's a bracelet. I added a…few enchantments, should help keep you two safe." Techno explains, handing Mabel a bracelet through the window. Mabel looks at the golden bracelet that shimmers with a light lavender and has a unique design on its clasp. Mabel slips it on.
"Thanks Techno!" Mabel says excitedly.
Techno looks at her for a few seconds. "So, about your brother…"
"Oh, yeah! Sorry, I haven't seen him all afternoon. He's probably kissing his girlfriend or something."
"Heh?" Techno questions.
"Wait, did Dipper not tell you he got a girlfriend?!" Mabel asks, shocked that such critical information wasn't being shared. Techno shakes his head. Mabel decides to explain. "He and Pacifica are dating." Techno nods slowly before leaving to look for Dipper.
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Technofan12321: The little dude did it!
Carpediem: Let's fuckin goooo!
Def_not_a_stoner: he should have gone for tambry.
Istanheysoos: Heh heh, good job dood.
Laughteryoga: Def_not_a_stoner bro stop simping, you are literally centuries older than her.
Def_not_a_stoner: Stfu Laughteryoga
8737maw: Techno-prentice locked in.
Average_techno_fan: I can ship Dipcifica.
Pathoftheswole: Nah, Wendip is the otp Average_techno_fan
Bananamilkshake: Pathoftheswole b/c she's a tomboy?
Pathoftheswole: Yes
Yallneedhelp: I'm waiting for one of you idiots to…
y0gurt1300: what about Pinecest
[Hear me out- insert JFK assassination recreation]
Yallneedhelp: There it is. Le ugh
Heavyweaponsguy: y0gurt1300 Vhy?!
Carpediem: y0gurt1300 ew
Laughteryoga: y0gurt1300 wth
y0gurt1300: chaos XD
Fruitytv: y0gurt1300 I respect the chaos.
Luigimacter: Fruitytv I am forty meters from your location and closing rapidly.
Fruitytv: You a bitch
Fruitytv: OW!
Fruitytv: You made me bleed again
Luigimacter: Deserved
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Techno manages to catch a scent leading down into the basement. He descends while ignoring the voices. The voices scream something about MaBill and Bipper, and a third voice puts forward Dipcifabel. Techno isn't entirely sure what they're talking about, but is very concerned.
(In case you're confused about the ships mentioned, Dipcifica is Dipper/ Pacifica, Wendip is Wendy/Dipper, Pinecest is Dipper/Mabel, MaBill is Mabel/Bill, Bipper is Bill/Dipper, and Dipcifabel is the Pines twins being shipped with Pacifica simultaneously. All of these ships exist in the GF fandom. Idek.)
[Average gravity falls shipping explanation.]
(I didn't even touch on Dipper/young Wendy, Dipper/ young Tambry, or any of the many, many Dipper/monster. Insert soldier with the dead eyes staring into the distance.)
Techno hears voices. Well, voices besides the normal voices (which, in and of themselves, aren't normal), and moves to listen in.
"Alright. You've entered the chamber. Princess Unattainabelle beckons you. But WAIT! IT'S A TRAP!" Techno can hear Ford declare, followed by a pair of gasps. "An illusion cast by Probabilitor the Annoying."
(Bubble. Wendy. Bill Cipher. If you know you know)
"You know his weakness, right?" Dipper asks rhetorically.
"Prime-statistical anomalies over 37 but not exceeding 51!" Dipper and Ford recite. Pacifica feels a little lost and Dipper rolls a die.
"Yes! Uh! In your face, you cardboard wizard!" Dipper cheers.
Ford inspects the cardboard cutout of Probabilitor. "Hm. The old boy looks a bit different than he did back in my day."
"Yeah, they change the art every few years. Thankfully you missed the period when the creators of the game tried to make it "cooler.""Dipper explains, shuddering at the memory of Diggity Dungeons and All That. "Must have been dark times, those '90s."
"The fashion was good, though." Pacifica says. Dipper and Ford blink at her, and she blushes before hiding her head.
"Sounds like a good time to be stuck between dimensions." Ford says, ignoring Pacifica.
Techno ignores the offended noises coming from the voices, (90's?! a dark time!? They were a goddamned golden age! Shut up boomer. I'll show you boomer!) and stealthily pokes his head around the corner to see what Dipper, Ford, and Pacifica were doing.
The trio was sitting around a cardboard map. On the map, models of various fantasy creatures were set up. Ford was sitting behind a cardboard wall designed to look like a wizard that Techno could have sworn he had seen before.
"Great-uncle Ford, I've been meaning to ask you: where were you before you came out of that machine, and what have you been doing down here? Are you working on something behind that curtain?" Dipper asks, looking towards a brown sheet blocking the view whatever room was attached.
"Dipper, it's best if you and the family stay away from that subject. Honestly, I'm not sure any of you could handle the real answer." Ford sighs.
"But, but I can handle it-" Dipper protests, Pacifica nodding supportively.
"Ah-ah! But I can show you a little something I brought back with me: An infinity-sided die." Ford grabs a die that faces changes randomly. The symbols change consistently, from a note to a pig's nose to a fox to a ring to mushrooms and a hundred other things beside.
"Woah... that's so cool. And... impossible!" Dipper gasps. Pacifica looks at the die in awe, somewhat concerned that something that dangerous wasn't being kept in a device to keep it from rolling. Pacifica brushes her worries aside, thinking that surely it would be kept in a secure location.
"These things are outlawed in nine thousand dimensions. You wanna know why? Look at those symbols. Infinite sides means infinite outcomes. If I rolled it, anything could happen. Our faces could melt into jelly. The world could turn into an egg. Or you could just roll an eight. Who knows. That's why I have to keep it in this protective cheap plastic case." Ford explains and Pacifica's face freezes, unable to comprehend what she heard. "Now, back to the game! You've got Probabilitor on the ropes."
Techno pulls his head back and clears his throat before walking around the corner. Dipper, Pacifica, and Ford look up in surprise.
"Hallo~" Techno greets. "Dipper, I have something for you. With how much trouble you and your sister get into, I figured I would make you two some defenses" Techno hands Dipper a bracelet. Dipper examines the bracelet skeptically.
"What does it do?" Pacifica asks, looking over Dipper's shoulder. Ford sits behind his cardboard cut-out, keeping an eye on the situation while pretending to focus preparing the next phase of the game.
"It's got regeneration, it'll reduce incoming damage, it will automatically repair itself and your clothes, anyone who attacks you will take some damage in return, it'll boost your stamina and strength, and one other, minor thing." Techno explains before producing two pieces of paper with the same information. "Give one of these to your sister, would ya?"
Dipper nods, reexamining the bracelet with renewed interest. Techno starts to leave.
"Hey, Techno! Wanna play with us?" Dipper asks.
Techno turns around. "What are you playing?" He asks monotonely.
"Dungeons, Dungeons, and more Dungeons. It's the greatest strategy-based role-playing dice-rolling game ever!" Dipper explains excitedly. "I even have an extra character prepared, if you want to play it."
"…Sure." Techno agrees, sitting down. 'I mean, it's just a kid's game.' He thinks to himself as Ford continues the adventure. 'There's no way I can get addicted to it.'
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Tommy was bored, and a bored Tommy was a dangerous Tommy. Unfortunately, Phil, 'Who is a boomer old man.' Noticed Tommy trying to get to the explosives and kicked him out of the compound until supper. Tubbo noticed Tommy leaving and decided to tag along.
"I'm so bored." Tommy complains again, idly kicking a rock. "This is boring. Phil's such a boomer."
"We could always head into town and get into mischief there." Tubbo suggests.
"Yeah, but dad has a camera on me." Tommy groans pointing to a crow on a nearby branch that has the gall to wave at the boys. "Stinkin' snitch. Tommy sneers at the bird. The boys resume walking, the crow flitting from branch to branch.
"Oh, I know!" Tubbo says suddenly. "We could go visit Dr. Pines."
"Sure, why not." Tommy shrugs. "It'd be interesting to see someone who'd hire you."
"Yeah!" Tubbo cheers. "Wait, what does "willing to hire me" mean?! Tommy? Tommy!" Tommy takes off laughing as Tubbo chases after him.
[Tubbo: exists. Tommy: "And I took I that personally."]
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The boys eventually reach the Mystery Shack, after a few well deserved noogie's, of course.
"So this is your bosses place?" Tommy asks, looking at the shack in all its rundown glory. "It certainly is… unique?"
Tubbo snorts. "Nah, my boss lives in the basement. This is his twin brother's place. Besides, most of the damage came from fighting the government."
"Oh. Pog." Tommy nods in respect. "So… are we going inside?"
"Yeah, let's go." The pair walks through the gift shop door. Inside, Mabel is putting on some final decorations for her mouth-ramps. "Hey Mabel." Tubbo greets.
"Great-uncle Ford's assistant!" Mabel gasps. "Hi!" Tubbo smiles in response.
"What are you making?" Tommy asks, pointing to the food-ramp.
"This? Why, it's just something I invented so I could keep watching the finale of Duck-tective while eating." Mabel explains proudly.
Tommy and Tubbo trade confused looks. "What's Duck-tective?" Tubbo asks.
Mabel gasps. She clutches at her chest for a few seconds before a look of determination overtakes her features. "Follow me." She orders, grabbing the boys' hands and dragging them into the living room. "Sit!" she yells as she rushes over to the phone. "Candy, get Grenda! It's a code sepia!"
Tubbo and Tommy look at each other in confusion as Mabel comes racing back, this time with a disc container in hand. Tubbo starts to stand.
"Sit!" Mabel roars. Tubbo sits back down. Mabel finishes messing with the TV when Candy and Grenda burst into the living room. The girls are holding snacks as the TV begins playing.
"What is-?" Tommy starts to ask before being interrupted by shh's from Mabel and her friends. Tommy rolls his eyes and settles into the chair.
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Wilbur yawns as he walks around the underground base, sipping at a cup of coffee. He walks in one direction, and from the other direction Tubbo and Tommy stumble towards their beds. Wilbur raises an eyebrow. "You two sleep well?" He asks rhetorically. Tommy flips him off, while Tubbo startles, not realizing Wilbur had gotten so close.
"Why are you two so tired, anyways?" Wilbur asks, having nothing better to do than pester his little brother.
"Catching up on show." Tubbo groans.
"Fuck off Wilby, 'm tired." Tommy complains sleepily.
Wilbur decides to let the two boys get some sleep. Doubling back, he passes an open door and .GIFfany who is looking into the room with concern. Inside the room, Technoblade mutters to himself while drawing something. Wilbur takes two steps past, pauses, and walks backward.
"What's going on?" Wilbur asks .GIFfany.
"He asked me to download him something from the internet, and has been studying it and talking to himself ever since." .GIFfany says, not taking her eyes off of Techno.
"When was this?" Wilbur asks, trying to gauge how concerned he should be.
"Yesterday." .GIFfany answers blandly. "he got back around five."
"Oh boy." Wilbur mutters. He enters the room and lays his hand on Techno's shoulder. "Hey, Techno, how long have you been doing… whatever this is?"
"I uh, I haven't stopped." Techno responds somewhat absently.
"I- Techno, that's like 14 hours." Wilbur says.
Techno turns from his papers and looks Wilbur dead in the eyes. "The revolution waits for no man."
"That is somewhat concerning… who are you revolting against this time?" Wilbur presses.
"The evil wizard Volde- no, Zargothr- no, Probabilitor. It's DD&MD, pretty much strategy and role play." Techno explains.
Wilbur's eyes light up. "Role playing, you say?" .GIFfany sighs and walks away, leaving the two to conspire.
"Yes, wh- oh. Fine, I'll bring you with." Techno agrees to Wilbur's thoughts before muttering. "Theatre kid."
"What did you call me!?" Wilbur screeches. Elsewhere, Phil sighs into a cup of tea. He can vaguely hear the offended screeches that could only come from an offended theatre kid.
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Tubbo and Tommy are practically bouncing off the walls. Just twenty-four hours earlier, they had no idea that Duck-tective existed, and now they were about to witness the finale of the wonderfully crafted story. They are waiting with Mabel, who is wearing a Duck-tective sweater, for the grand finale.
The backdoor opens, and Grenda walks in. "Thanks for coming over to watch tonight's Duck-tective finale, Grenda!"Mabel says excitedly.
"Of course! I'm so invested in the lives of these characters!" Grenda agrees.
"It's a shame Candy couldn't make it." Mabel says, shaking her head.
"Yeah… but, we can always watch a rerun when she gets back from her grandma's." Grenda reassures.
Stan comes downstairs, dressed up in his suit. "Hey-hey, look at you! Someone's all dressed up." Mabel says cheerily.
"It's a big night. I think we all remember where we were, when we learned Duck-tective was shot." Stan says, and all five look down sadly. An alarm goes off, and Mabel starts bouncing.
"Viewing positions, everyone!" She cries, and the group runs into the living room. All five are high on excitement, when they are rudely interrupted by the living room being occupied.
Dipper and Ford are checking pieces of paper against each other while Pacifica sits behind Dipper, looking slightly lost. Techno is checking a reference book, and Wilbur is drawing his character. Around them is a pile of graphs and notes. Some are on the floor, some are on the walls, and a few are even on the television.
"Ah! Graph paper!" Grenda screams. "Kill it! Kill it!" she cries, stomping on it.
"Dipper, could you maybe move this to another room?" Mabel asks.
"No dice! We ran out of room in the basement and we're going for a world record! Now, dice!" Ford exclaims, rolling a die. "32, yes! 7,000 points damage!"
"You got me!" Dipper laughs.
"Oh, why, why with this?" Stan groans. "You wanna break a record, Ford? You already got it for world's nerdiest old man."
"Hey, at least I'm not all keyed up to watch a kid's show." Ford fires back.
"I'll have you know that Duck-tective has a big mystery element! And a lot of humor that goes over kids' heads!" Stan shouts. Techno sends an unimpressed snort to chat because they started cackling for some reason.
"Best thing I've seen." Tommy agrees.
Tubbo snaps his fingers. "That's right, I haven't introduced you to Legend crushers yet. Apart from that, this is the greatest show on TV."
"I don't get a lot of it, but I like animals in human situations." Grenda says.
"Grunkle Stan, it starts in a few minutes!" Mabel exclaims. Stan takes matters into his own hands and reaches for the paper covering the TV.
Ford intercepts him, growling. "Move that and pay the price!"
"Oh, what, fifty magical dwarf dollars?" Stan asks sarcastically.
"Don't mock our fantastical monetary system!" Ford demands in annoyance.
[Now that I think about it, does this sentence imply Stan was spot-on with the name?]
(Possibly. It could also be Ford being tired of Stan making fun of the fantasy elements.)
"I'll mock all I want, it's my TV room!" Stan retorts.
Ford sighs deeply. "Listen, Stanley, did it ever occur to you to if you joined us you might actually have fun?"
"What? Now you listen to me!" Stan yells, grabbing Ford's dice bag. (this is something all Dm's have.) "As long as I live I will never-"
"Grunkle Stan, wait!" Dipper cries.
"Ever-" Stan continues.
"Stanley!" Ford shouts.
"Play your smartypants nerd game!" Stan finishes, throwing the bag of dice to the ground and causing the infinity-sided die to roll. Blue lightning arcs from the die.
"No!" Ford yells as several figures appear, backlight in blue. A trio of Ogres array themselves in front while an elf and a gryphon take up flanking positions. In the center, the wizard Probabilitor stands proudly.
"Mortals of dimension 46-630, kneel before me and…" Probabilitor rolls a pair of dice. "snivel! I am Probabilitor! The greatest wizard in all of mathology! Give or take an error of 0.4."
"Eh, is this normal?" Stan asks his brother. Ford shrugs, and Stan slips on his brass knuckles.
"Have you come to send us on the quest of a lifetime because we're the smartest players you've ever met?" Dipper suggests hopefully.
"You are the smartest players I've ever met!" Probabilitor congratulates. "That's why I'm going to eat your brains to gain your intelligence. It's what I do."
"It's his thing." One of the Ogres grunts.
"What?!" Dipper gasps.
"Seize them!" Probabilitor orders his minions. Immediately, the room turns hostile. Tommy and Tubbo pull out swords, Techno grabs his axe, Wilbur pulls his bow, Dipper shoots to his feet, Stan squares up, and Ford reaches for his sidearm.
"Your math is no match for my gun, you idiot!" Ford cries, shooting at the wizard. At the same time, Techno and Wilbur fight one of the ogres while Tommy leaps onto a second ogre.
(Best line in the series, by far.)
"Math ray!" Probabilitor casts, deflecting Ford's shot and blowing a hole in the side of the shack. "I'm not here to play games!" Tommy steers his ogre into Tubbo, who quickly dispatches it. Simultaneously, Techno and Wilbur finish their ogre. Probabilitor, realizing his forces are in shambles, orders a retreat. "Quickly, to the forest for the ultimate game!"
Probabilitor flies through the hole in the wall. The elf, having grabbed the closest person, hops onto the griffin's back.
"Hey!" Pacifica complains. The elf sighs dramatically and ties a rope around her before fixing a gag to her face. Throughout this, Pacifica is glaring daggers.
The griffin grabs onto the final ogre as it leaps into the sky. Coincidently, this ogre had managed to grab both Dipper and Ford.
There is a moment of shock before those who weren't captured rush to the gaping hole in the wall. Techno, Wilbur, Tommy, and Tubbo trade determined glances. Stan glares at the direction the wizard left in.
"So, the room's free now. Who wants to watch Duck-tective?" Grenda asks, only to be met with deafening silence. "Nobody? More couch for Grenda!"
"Oh no! That crazy wizard is going to eat our brothers' brains! We have to stop 'em!" Mabel cries to Stan.
"Not if I can help it." Techno says darkly, stepping forward and resting his hand on the hilt of his ax.
"Yeah, let's kick that ba-" Tommy cheers, agreeing, before being interrupted.
"CAW!"
They stare at the crow that just interrupted Tommy's war cry.
"What the f-" Tommy yells at the bird, only to be interrupted again.
"CAW!"
"Looks like dad didn't trust you enough to not swear, so he sent a crow to keep an eye on you." Wilbur taunts in an understanding tone. "For shame, for shame."
"Wilbur I swear to G-" Tommy starts, pointing his finger at Wilbur.
"CAW!"
"Fine! Let's just go get Techno's child." Tommy grumbles.
"Heh?!" Techno grunts. Tommy runs off cackling, with Techno in hot pursuit. The rest of the group follows after them, Mabel and Grenda picking up weapons as they walk.
.
.
Pacifica shifts uncomfortably in her bonds. 'This is just ridiculous. Why am I even here? I don't even enjoy this game, it's… I don't know, it's a lot of math and I kinda feel unprepared. Mr. Blade and Mr. Soot joining helped, but… I feel like they picked it up much faster than I did.'
The elf shifts in his seat, bumping into Pacifica. 'I was playing a game with my boyfriend, and now I'm bound like a maiden in those fantasy novels. They'll probably attempt to sacrifice me or something.' Pacifica sighs. 'Sometimes I just wish I could go back to before, when things made sense. When all I had to do was look pretty and act petty. And Father cared about me. Now I need to deal with these stupid emotions, and people don't act like they should, and I live in a hovel, and… and I've never felt so alive.'
Pacifica's eyes widen with the realization. 'I do feel more alive than I've ever felt before. It's difficult, and sometimes I just want to curl up into a ball and cry, but… Dipper had every chance to get back at me for being horrible, and he didn't. None of the Pines have acted like how father said peasants would. All it took for Mr. Pines to take me in was learning I got kicked out by my parents. Is the world a better place than I thought…?'
Pacifica takes a deep breath, and feels the air rush through her hair. 'Dipper won't hate me if I don't like the same things. Even if he does, from what I heard Mr. Blade and Mr. Soot say, it sounds like their father adopts far too many children. I… could be one of those children, if it comes to it.' Pacifica nods to herself. 'Alright. If I make it out of this, I'll tell Dipper I don't want to play DD&mD anymore.'
The griffin carrying Pacifica, Probabilitor, the elf, the ogre, Dipper, and Ford finds his masters destination. The griffin descends into small clearing in the middle of the forest, perfect for any number of wholesome activities. Probabilitor smiles thinking on these activities, such as playing a board game with friends, cooking outdoors, and having a picnic.
"Excellent, Volo-ry!" Probabilitor cheers. "Take us down for a landing, gently."
.
.
Probabilitor cackles manically to himself as he measures Dipper's, Ford's, and Pacifica's heads. The trio is tied to a tree, but fortunately Pacifica has her gag removed.
"With each brain I eat, I shall increase my enchantelligence." Probabilitor taunts, licking his lips.
"If my hands were free, I'd break every part of your face." Ford growls threateningly. It'd be fine if the mad wizard was just threatening Ford, after all, Ford had gotten used to his life being at risk. But no, the wizard decided to go after Dipper as well. Ford fully intends to rip the wizard limb from limb if given the chance.
"The time has come!" Probabilitor declares. "Hot elf! Ready the brain-cooking pot!"
The elf sighs. "Yes, Probabilitor." He shakes his hair and fires a flaming arrow below a cauldron filled with water. A small pile of sticks under the cauldron catch on fire, and the water begins to heat up.
.
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The group from the shack were hot on Probabilitor's trail, but had gotten slightly bored of walking. So, Grenda grabbed a lute from somewhere, and the walk quickly turned into a marching band. Well, except for Techno and Stan. They are far too old/mature for such foolishness.
"There will come a soldier
Who carries a mighty sword
He will tear your city down, oh lei oh lai oh Lord
Oh lei, oh lai, oh lei, oh Lord
He will tear your city down, oh lei oh lai oh Lord" Mabel sings, with Wilbur and Tubbo providing backing vocals. Tommy rocks out using his body as a drumset.
Stan slaps his back. "We must be getting close. These fairy bites are getting more frequent."
The crushed fairy coughs out its final words. "Hey! Look! Listen!"
Suddenly, an ogre steps out in front of them. "Halt! Yon interlopers are trespassing on the ancient forest of Probabilitor the wizard! If ye wish to pass, first, ye must complete seven unworldly quest, each, more difficult than the-"
Techno and Wilbur trade looks before the ogre into a pincushion. The group presses on.
.
.
Back in Probabilitor's grove of general insanity, the aforementioned wizard cackles manically.
"What do we do? What do we do?" Dipper whispers at Ford, panicking. Pacifica also looks to Ford, hoping that the older man has some escape plan.
"Stop thinking, Dipper! The more wrinkly your brain gets, the more he'll want to eat it!" Ford hisses back. Which, I mean, great advice.
Pacifica rolls her eyes. 'It's sooo incredibly easy to just turn off your brain, especially when you're in danger. Yup, super easy, barely even an inconvenience. Especially for my nerdy boyfriend, he doesn't have a problem with over thinking things, nope.'
[We love sarcasm.]
(Sassy Pacifica. Sass-ifica.)
Probabilitor walks towards the captured trio, knocking each of them on the head while he talks. "And now, a little math problem: when I subtract your brain from your skulls add salt, and divide your family, what's the remainder?"
From behind Probabilitor, a voice answers. "Twice what Schlatt did in '99."
"Huh?" Probabilitor asks dumbly, turning towards the voice. Techno, Tubbo, Wilbur, and Tommy emerge from the bushes, looking downright murderous. Behind them, Stan, Grenda, and Mabel are ready to throw down. "Who is this… 'Schlatt', and what did he do in '99?"
"You're 'bouta find out." Techno promises darkly before rushing the wizard.
Probabilitor smiles evilly. "Excellent, more meals have shown up. Math ray!" Techno angles his axe and deflects the blast of magic, launching it into the elf.
The world goes silent, and a single beam of light focuses on the elf. "Oh, woe am I! To die in such a place, at such a time, in such a way!" The elf raises one arm to the sky as his other hand holds his heart. "And so I pass, into sweet death's gentle embrace. Ah, the cold, it comes. I can feel no heat, 'tis truly the end for me. Oh, that I had never left my home! That I had stayed a simple course, instead of searching for adventure! Woe! Sadness! Sadness and Woe! Woe and Sa- gurk" An arrow sprouts from the elf's throat, leaking crimson. Techno, Tommy, and Tubbo turn to look at Wilbur.
"What?" Wilbur demands, shooting a few more arrows, just to be sure. "He was annoying."
Tommy and Tubbo trade knowing looks. "More like you were jealous he was more melodramatic than you are." Tubbo responds. Tommy nods sagely with his best friend's assessment.
"You! How can you say I'm not melodramatic! I will have you know, I-!" Wilbur protests.
"Shush, Wilbutt." Tommy says. "I wanna focus on Techno."
Immediately after the elf's death, Techno was on Probabilitor. The wizard attempts to gain space using spells, but Techno is faster. It gets to the point where it feels like Techno is just teleporting. Probabilitor pants, glaring at Techno.
The wizard attempts one last trick, teleporting directly behind Techno. Probabilitor feels a single moment of joy before a shooting pain racks through his body. Looking down, the wizard sees Techno's sword in his gut. Techno pulls his sword away from the wizard, and Probabilitor falls.
Several dice fall with Probabilitor, rolling away from the bleeding wizard. Techno grabs them before approaching the wheezing warlock. He grabs Probabilitor's hair and pulls the wizards head up to meet his eyes.
"These your dice?" Techno asks, looking Probabilitor dead in the eye.
"Wh- yes… ow…" Probabilitor forces out through the consuming pain.
Maintaining eye contact, Techno bites into the dice, crunching them into pieces slowly before swallowing. "Mmm, cronchy."
Probabilitor passes out from the pain and the shock of seeing someone eat dice, and Techno lets him fall. The absence of noise behind him causes Techno to turn, and take in the shocked faces of his companions. Techno gives a two-fingered wave.
.
.
Average_techno_fan: pfft, fuckin "Cronch."
Yodasstick: Kekw
Bananamilkshake: mmm, yummy dice
Laughteryoga: dice, part of a complete breakfast.
Carpediem: Yummy yummy weird wizard dice
Technofan12321: CRONCH
Mysafewordispineaple: Bro literally killed a man by eating
Fruitytv: Yes, yes! More! More CRONCH
Luigimacter: dammit fruit
Fruitytv: Author listens to me :p
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After leaving the clearing, the group decides to just have some mindless fun. On the way back to the shack to catch the second viewing of the Duck-tective finale, Pacifica pulls Dipper to the side.
"Hey, Dipper? I… I think I wanna take a break from DD&D." Pacifica admits.
"Oh, yeah, for sure." Dipper agrees. "I know it can be a bit heavy to get into, and having someone try to eat your brains isn't a great introduction either. If you ever want to try it again, just tell me."
"You're not… angry?" Pacifica asks uncertainly.
Dipper blinks. "Why would I be mad at you for having preferences?...Oh. Oh." Dipper sighs heavily, Drawing Techno and Wilbur's attention. "You are your own person, and that is who I want to get to know. Despite what your parents said, you don't have to be what anyone else wants you to be."
"Thanks, Dipper." Pacifica says softly. Dipper smiles at her as he wraps an arm around her as they walk together. Techno and Wilbur trade looks. They are going to figure out what, exactly, Dipper was referring to. More than likely, they were also going to commit a few crimes as well, but if their suspicions were correct… well, let's just say mercy left the station long ago.
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The Duck-tective lies injured in a hospital bed. He looks to his loyal ally, the constable.
"I'm going to that big pond in the sky." Duck-tective quacks.
"I just don't understand who shot you. The only person clever enough to defeat Duck-tective is-" The constable gasps. "Duck-tective!"
A bedpan comes flying in from off-screen, knocking the constable unconscious. stepping from the shadows, a near-identical copy of Duck-tective -with the exception of looking evil- taunts the Duck-tective. "Time to finish the job... TWIN BROTHER!"
Duck-tective quacks in terror.
"He had a twin brother all along?" Mabel complains. "That's the big twist we've been waiting for!?"
"WHAT A RIP-OFF!" Grenda yells, crushing a cookie.
"I predicted that, like, a year ago." Soos complains.
"It was so blatantly obvious. That scene at Duck-tective's mother's home? Dead giveaway." Techno notes.
Tommy snorts. "Our lives are more interesting than this."
"What, you think we're a TV show or something?" Tubbo asks jokingly.
"Nah, who would want to watch something like that?" Tommy shoots down Tubbo's idea.
"Yeah." Wilbur agrees. "Especially with Tommy. He'd drive off any viewers we got immediately."
"Hey!" Tommy complains while Dipper, Wilbur, and Tubbo laugh. The room is quickly filled with light-hearted jokes and the warmth that comes from friends and family.
.
.
Dipper rides the elevator down to the basement. Ford had wanted to see him, alone, after Duck-tective was done. The doors open, leading Dipper into the room filled with machines.
"Ah, hello Dipper." Ford greets. "I was just cleaning something up." He holds up the infinity sided die, now kept in an actual container and locking it into a storage container. "This'll be here if you ever need it."
[Something, or someone? Bum bum buuum.]
"Really? Even though I got us into the whole game-playing mess?" Dipper questions.
"Eh, we both got carried away. I guess we'd both gone for a while without a friend. Dipper, can I tell you something?" Ford presses. Dipper nods, smiling.
"You asked me earlier what I was working on. Well," Ford pulls down a curtain, revealing the portal in the portal room broken down into parts. "I dismantled the portal. An interdimensional gateway is too dangerous for the world it feeds into. That's why I was mad at Stan for using it. He saved me but, as I feared, the instability of the machine created this: an interdimensional rift. I've contained it for now, but it's incredibly dangerous. Dipper, I don't want you to tell anyone about this. Not Stan, not Pacifica, not even your sister. You understand?" Ford asks, holding a snow globe holding what appears to be a piece of the sky.
"Oh-uh, of course." Dipper agrees, somewhat startled.
"In my time I've made many powerful enemies, but I trust you with this secret. Now get yourself to bed. I have much research to do." Ford says, dismissing Dipper to bed.
"Goodnight, Great-uncle Ford."
"Goodnight, Dipper."
.
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In the great eternity, She looks down with a smile. That-which-belongs-to-Her has had his flock increase again, and feelings of love-content-warmth exude from Her into the coldness. Ever since Her chosen had arrived in this new world, he had lived a more peaceful life.
In this new world, violence-and-blood can love in peace, Insanity-of-music knows better than to mess with politics, Youth-full-of-energy can be a child, Forgetful-prince can raise his child, and Bee-goat doesn't have to choose between friends and power.
Beyond that, the flocks new friends fill Her with love-content-respect. Growly-old-man, Learnt-old-man, boy-who-searches, she-who-is-hope, Alpha-and-omega, and she-who-likes-axes. Truly, Her's can grow in this world.
She thinks of he-who-proposed-plans, Her youngest servant-minion-priest-acolyte. He thought positively of Her son, and decided to keep Her son's memory alive as best he could. Who knows, perhaps he could have become one of Her chosen, had he chosen a different path.
Looking down on Her flock, Kristin feels content. Danger and darkness approach Her's, of course, but they are strong. And if they are to fall, She will be there, warming Death in welcome of Her's. A facsimile of a smile passes over Her face, for She cannot truly smile. She does not have the physical form for it.
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Words: 7,900. Completed: 5/30/2024. Written using a pirated copy of Microsoft Word 2007.
AN2: Very subtle reference to what series of books? (I legit don't remember, finals were a bitch)(I think I figured it out, it's a lot less subtle than I thought.)(I blame my critical lack of sleep.)
Also, Pacifica is starting to go full nerd. Her parents held her to the vapid standards of the rich, but now that she's free, she's reading things that actually interest her. She isn't nerdy enough to get into not!dnd, yet, but she is reading fantasy books, and I'm going to do some things with this later.
Why is the Griffin named Volo-ry? It sounds similar to the name valory, and has the Latin Volo. Volo translates to "I fly".
I'm debating creating a Tumblr, somewhere I can post my 3am thoughts without having to remember them for several weeks. I promise it will be straight crack cocaine. Would you all be interested in that?
Next time: Preston Northwest straight up does not have a good time.
[Chat, Fellas, Fam, Friends, Homies, insert other similar word. Is it gay to-]