Varian shivered and wrapped his arms around himself. It had nothing to do with the blizzard that was steadily growing stronger around him, and everything to do with the dread, guilt, and fear twisting his stomach into knots.
He wrapped Hector's cloak around himself and tried to tell himself that his uncle was just fine. He'd done what Hector had said. He found Adira, and then he stayed out of the lab. Hector had talked to him calmly, not at all panicked about being trapped in the amber mutation of the black rocks.
Hector had been convinced that everything would be okay, and Varian trusted him, because unlike his siblings, Hector wasn't a liar. Sure, he told the occasional fib, but it was always clear looking into his eyes when he was being honest, and that was why Varian believed him. Hector hated lying, and if he had to hide the truth, he would make it clear that was what he was doing. He'd been too calm in the lab for Varian to doubt him. Now he just had to wait, and it was agonizing.
Varian had gone to his dad, and after his dad had calmed him down and got the story out of him, he had told Varian to wait for him while he went to make sure Hector and Adira were okay. Varian didn't appreciate his guardians all telling him to stay away from the lab, but he was too scared of what he would find if he went down there to disobey them.
Instead Varian waited just outside the door, his arms wrapped himself as he listened to the shouting and screaming in the lab. He had expected Hector's shouting. Varian had practically told him the dumb family secret that his dad had imparted to him. Varian hated being a part of this whole thing. He hated that for as long as he could remember he had been used by Adira to manipulate Hector and make him do what she wanted, just because she thought she knew best.
Hector had every right to be mad and yell at Adira. Varian had done the same thing, and he wasn't even the one who had turned his whole life on its end based on a lie. All Varian had been was a tool. A means to an end for her.
He wanted to be hurt and upset that she had done that to him. A part of him wondered if Adira actually cared about him at all. But he didn't linger on those thoughts, because Varian knew this wasn't about him. This was, and always had been, about Hector. Varian's personal pain didn't hold a candle to the lie that Hector had revolved his whole life around.
Varian could handle Hector's shouting. What scared him was when the shouting stopped and Adira's screams had started. She sounded like her soul was being ripped out of her chest. That was when Quirin had gone into the lab, and Varian had been out here by himself since then, waiting and listening.
He'd heard more of Adira's screams. They were just getting more and more desperate and heart-breaking. It hurt to hear, and what scared Varian was that he couldn't hear Hector anymore. She was supposed to have freed him. What had gone so wrong?
Varian swallowed thickly and burrowed himself deeper into the jacket. He felt like he was freezing, but he couldn't go inside the house any more than he could go into the basement. He needed to wait right here.
It felt like hours before Quirin came out of the lab, practically dragging a crying Adira behind him. Hector didn't exit behind them, and that was when Varian's tears started to fall. He went up to his dad, wanting to ask what was wrong, even though he was terrified of hearing the answer. His dad silenced him before he could even say a word.
"Go inside, Varian." Quirin said tensely. He sounded drained and upset, and Varian couldn't find it in him to argue. He silently followed his dad into the house as he pulled Adira along, even as she fought him every step of the way.
"Let me go!" Adira hit Quirin's arm. She sounded more like a petulant child than the mighty warrior Varian knew her to be. "I-I need to be with him. Let me go!"
"Enough, Adira." Quirin brought her into the kitchen and gently forced her into a chair. The second she was sitting she seemed to run out of every bit of her energy. Her eyes glazed over in a way that was much more like Hector than like her. Varian stood anxiously in the corner, wanting to know what had happened, but scared of asking.
"You were with him." Quirin knelt on the ground, meeting the gaze of Adira's down-turned head. "You did everything you could.
"But it wasn't enough." Adira said. The emotionless tone of her voice was so bad that Varian somehow wished she was screaming and crying again. It felt like that would be better than this. "All I did was make things worse." Quirin didn't say anything to that. Varian knew that his dad had been saying just that for weeks, or possibly even for the past ten years. Adira had just realized the truth. What had made her finally admit her mistakes?
"Is Uncle Hector okay?" Varian asked tensely. "You…you saved him, didn't you?" Hector had said she would.
Adira wrapped her arms around herself and shook her head. Varian had never felt so young and helpless. "Why not? You were supposed to save him!"
"Varian." Quirin pulled him into his arms and Varian collapsed against his dad's chest, basking in the comfort but still feeling scared and small. "She tried, but…Hector didn't want to be saved, and there was nothing else she could have done."
Varian wanted to say he didn't understand. Why wouldn't somebody want to be saved? But he couldn't say anything, because he did understand it. He'd grown up seeing the depression in Hector's eyes. He'd seen other people around Old Corona who had that same look. Those were the people who Dad insisted needed to be checked on after a bad storm or a harsh winter, because he said that he was scared they wouldn't fight for themselves, so somebody else needed to fight for them.
Hector was the strongest person he knew. He could fight his way through anything, but he hadn't fought this time. Not just that, but it sounded like he had fought against Adira as she tried to help him.
"So his leg's still stuck?" Varian asked, his voice cracking and shaking.
Quirin tightened his hold on him, practically squeezing Varian against his chest. "It's not just his leg. The amber grew. He's entirely encased."
"He leaned into it." Adira said. "He…he wanted it."
"Adira," Quirin sighed tiredly. "I don't think he actually wanted it, he was just…he was hurting. He's been hurting all his life, and he's never known how to make it stop."
"I just wanted to help him." Adira said. She sounded so defeated. "But it was enough. I could never be enough for him."
Varian clung to his dad. "It's my fault." He didn't say it to his dad. He didn't mean to be heard at all, but Quirin and Adira both looked at him in shock and concern.
"No, no, kid, it's not." Quirin said.
"But I messed with the black rocks." Varian sniffled. He'd never felt so bad. He had thought that the day his mom had left would forever be the worst day of his life. He'd always considered that to be the end of his childhood. He hadn't lost just one parent, he'd lost both of them in a way. His mom left, and his dad had distanced himself. Varian felt like if Hector and Adira hadn't started living with them, he didn't know if he and his dad would even be talking to each other.
Varian's memories of that day had always left a bitter taste in his mouth, but that memory was nothing compared to the horror and guilt that he felt he was drowning in.
"Varian, no." Quirin said, but Varian didn't listen to him.
"I-If I was the moonstone like Hector thought-" Varian said. His dad tightened his grip on him even more, kissing his forehead. Varian didn't think his dad had done this since Varian had gotten really sick when he was a little kid.
"Please, my darling boy, you can't blame yourself for this." Quirin said. "None of this is your fault."
"You can't blame yourself for not being able to live up to a lie that I invented." Adira said. "Hector fell apart because of me. Please, Varian, I can't lose you like that either."
Varian didn't believe either of them, but he didn't argue any more. They both sounded so scared. Varian knew that he would probably lose his sanity if he lost either of them after what had happened to Hector. He couldn't be responsible for putting them through more pain.
Varian didn't think he would ever get to Hector's level, but his dad and Adira had said numerous times that his moods were very similar to his uncle's. Varian didn't feel depressed. There were just days where he felt like nothing would ever go right, and he just felt useless and lost. But that wasn't as bad as Hector had it. Varian was pretty sure this was something that came with adolescence. He'd grow out of it, surely.
"I think we're all blaming ourselves too much." Quirin rubbed Varian's back. Varian whimpered at the admission that his dad was blaming himself for all of this too, when he'd had nothing to do with what went wrong. Quirin's biggest crime was holding his tongue and letting Adira make the rules.
"We're all going to sleep in my room." Quirin said. "We need each other, now more than ever, and I'm not letting either of you out of my sight while we're all so unstable. We'll get some sleep, and then we'll figure out how to go forward from here. Together, as a family."
Varian nodded. He didn't want to be alone. Adira stood up and approached them, letting Quirin pull her into their family hug.
"And I don't want anybody going down into that lab." Quirin said. "We don't need to see Hector like that."
Varian shuddered at the thought of his uncle trapped, and still clearly visible. In the back of his head he told himself that his uncle wasn't dead, he was just gone. Like Varian's mom. But he didn't know. He hadn't seen Hector's state, and he didn't think he wanted to see it. He didn't want to see if Hector looked terrified, or resigned, or hopeful. They would all be terrible.
"Is the amber still…" Varian couldn't get the words out, but his family understood.
"No." Quirin said. "We stayed until the amber stopped growing. We're safe." It should be a relief, but Varian was too scared, angry, and full of grief to feel anything else.
His dad brought them upstairs. Varian hadn't slept in a bed with his father for more than five years, but he didn't feel the least bit embarrassed as he crawled into his dad's bed. Something about pulling his dad's blanket up over his head made him feel safe. He knew it made no sense, but he found comfort from it anyway.
Quirin sat on the bed, pulling Varian close to him, holding him close in a way that he hadn't done since his mom had left. Varian usually hated how much smaller than his family he was, but he was grateful for the difference in size now. He felt protected and taken care of.
Adira was hesitant to join them, but Quirin held a hand out to her and she took it. Adira was pulled onto the bed. She stayed at the foot of the bed, slowly laying down and resting her head against Quirin's leg. They were crowded, but Varian was glad for it. He liked the reminder that his family was in arm's reach. He didn't know if he'd be able to sleep if either Adira or Quirin were out of his sight.
Varian felt emotionally and physically drained. On any other day he could be out like a light. Whenever he started to doze he remembered Adira's screams from the lab, and his imagination went wild with the state his uncle was in. Before Varian could find peace he would be met with the disturbing images. He would whine and stiffen. His dad would hush him and run his hand through his hair, doing the same for Adira when she sniffled.
Quirin didn't talk anymore. There wasn't anything else he could say. All he could do was hold them close and keep them warm as the storm raged on outside.
Varian felt like he would never fall asleep, but at some point he must have because he found himself opening his eyes sleepily, knowing that he'd been asleep. His dad's grip on him had loosened in his sleep. The only sound that Varian could hear was the wind and snow blowing outside.
Varian would have just closed his eyes and gone back to sleep, but something didn't feel right. He sat up and rubbed his eyes, feeling a spike of panic when he saw that his aunt wasn't in bed with them.
"Adira?!" Varian whispered harshly, desperately. He couldn't lose anybody else. Not so soon.
"I'm right here, young one." Adira said. Varian breathed a sigh of relief. He'd never been so relieved to hear her voice, even if he didn't like how emotionless her tone was.
"Don't scare me like that." Varian climbed out of the bed, shivering at the cold air that hit him. He pulled the cloak tighter around his shoulders, though his heart panged a bit when he remembered that it was his uncle's cloak. He both hated and loved that he happened to be wearing this thing.
Varian didn't want to leave his dad's side, but he needed to make sure that his aunt was okay. He saw her silhouette in the window. He went up to her. Adira put an arm around his shoulders, pulling him close. He was right next to her, but she felt so distant, and it was a little frightening.
"Are you okay?" Varian asked.
"I'm just thinking." Adira said. She was always scheming and making up plans. Varian's dad used to forbid the two of them from planning anything together. He thought that they encouraged the wrong ideas in each other.
"Hector may have given up on himself, but I'm not giving up on him." Adira said. She seemed to be talking to herself more than to Varian. "I've come too far to back down."
"What else can you do?" Varian asked. He wanted to help his uncle just as much as Adira did, but Varian felt lost and completely hopeless. He didn't know how Adira could keep going. But it seemed like she was brushing away her tears and pulling herself up. She was ready to fix the problem instead of crying about it. Varian didn't know how to do that.
"There's nothing we can do." Adira said. There was something about the tone of her voice that wasn't quite right. It sounded much more like Hector than Adira. "But I think there might be someone who can." She sounded convinced, and Varian felt hopeful.
"Who?" Varian asked.
Adira looked out the window. It was dark out, but the storm had started to calm down and the clouds had parted just enough for a little moonlight to sneak through. It was just bright enough for Varian to see the cold look in his aunt's eyes. This was a woman who had her heart set on something, and she wasn't going to let anybody stop her.
"The Sundrop." Adira said. It took Varian a second to figure out what she meant.
"The princess?" Varian asked. "Why would the princess of the whole kingdom help us?"
Adira smiled almost ferally, and she definitely looked like Hector at that moment. "She's not going to have a choice." And Varian wondered if maybe his dad was right about Adira's ideas being more than anybody could handle. He wanted his uncle back, but he was a little scared of how far Adira would go to do it.