LOL sorry about that.
I uploaded the first chapter and despite having more written I did not have time to post it. Between weddings and my friend coming to visit and church VBS it has been just a little bit of chaos but I digress.
Here's the next chapter! This one's from Bones POV.
~TH~
Bones knew the day. Everyone knew the day. No one needed to tell them they all knew how to read a blasted calendar. The dozens of counseling sessions he'd had proved that no one was near forgetting. Despite this, every holonet was lamenting over the fact that it had been one month since the almost destruction of Yorktown. Since the actual destruction of the Enterprise.
Thank you for the reminder but he already knows and so does every other survivor who's not currently drowning their sorrows in an excess amount of alcohol. And even they know despite trying to forget. He'd seen the effects of something like this after the destruction of Vulcan. But this was far more personal. From sympathy to empathy. And Leonard's family was safe on earth.
Bones knows. But there's one other and more important thing that he knows. Jim Kirk should not be left alone on today. He would advise against anyone being alone, but especially their "I like to take on the weight of the world" captain.
And now the idiot wasn't answering his comms.
This alone set off alarm bells in McCoy's head.
Not that the kid was good at answering his comm on a non trauma induced bad day. But Bones had barely seen Jim in weeks.
He'd been. They all had been. A lot of physical and mental health to check in on. Those who sought him out for assistance. That left less time to check in on his stubborn "I'm fine, Bones" Captain.
And Jim had been in so many admiral meetings and Enterprise-A inspections that the only chance to see the kid was walking between his apartment and Star Fleet Headquarters.
Which led to a most astounding and disturbing discovery. He missed being on a starship. Not because of space or the stars or any of that stuff Jim loved and craved. No he missed having constant vitals on his accident prone best friend. And no it wasn't creepy thank you very much. He had a right to be concerned with the way the kid was a magnet for destruction. Especially after the whole Kahn incident. He felt better when he could keep tabs on his medically sensitive friend. He missed the big ship where he had constant access to his captain and friend.
Yorktown was too big. Too mechanical. Not like he was on good solid Terra. And this place just… wasn't where he wanted to be. He thought he might just prefer the tincan to the snowglobe.
But said tincan had suffered a total loss and almost a total crew loss. And if not for some very brave actions from some very brave people they would all be dead. He'd be dead.. He didn't include himself in that list of heroes as he'd only done what was expected of him. But the admiralty seemed to deserve it so he had a new shiny badge to shove in a box and be forced to wear at important events while trying to forget what he got it for. Whatever. This wasn't about him.
And sure. He would totally have been fine with finding the worst dive in this overly pristine planet and finding something stronger than what was legal on ninety percent of planets. But his idiot captain still wasn't answering his comm and so the drinking would have to wait.
That friggin' kid was infuriating. Couldn't he open a dang com? Nooooo he had to leave him with no communication and make his friend worry about him. "Of all the idiotic, self centered, moronic-"
"Doctor."
Bones stopped, head coming up to where he was dangerously close to Spock. He took a few stumbling steps back, cursing at himself for not paying more attention. You'd think he was a ten year old who just got his first PADD.
"Spock? What are you doing here?"
The Vulcan paused and if the doctor didn't know any better he'd say that he actually looked embarrassed. "I was… unable to reach the captain and I thought it… not preferable for him to be alone on such a day. He is prone to… be less than healthy when dealing with extreme human emotions."
"AKA Jim sucks at grieving and when you couldn't get ahold of him on today of all days, you worried."
Spock opened his mouth to defend the emotionality of it when Bones lifted his hand.
"Save it. It doesn't matter anyway. An ambush might be good for him."
Pressed lips and a nod. "I take it you were… concerned as well."
"For Jim?" He let out a small scoff as he set off towards Jim's apartment, Spock now at his side. "When am I not? I swear that kid is trying to put me in the ground a decade early."
Spock nodded absently. "When was the last time you spoke to the captain?"
"A couple of days- a week- maybe two?" The guilt tasted like acid in his mouth. "Why?"
"I too have not spoken to him in nearly a fortnight. I have seen glimpses of him in various Starfleet offices, but-"
"For a social butterfly like Jim Kirk the fact that he hasn't come lookin' for either of us for a good time- however unhealthy that coping mechanism is- is as you say, concerning."
"Precisely."
Bones was kicking himself for not forcing this sooner. For waiting until today to check in. He knew Jim wasn't dealing. But ever since Jim passed his psyche exam (McCoy had been present as witness only) they'd all let out a collective sigh of relief and moved on to their other tasks. Which… Now that he thought about it, should have been its own red flag because Jim Kirk had never struggled to pass a psych exam. No matter how screwed up his brain was.
He had subconsciously picked up his pace, the panic he had squashed down beginning to rise and overwhelm him. Spock matched his stride, not commenting on the change of speed.
Moments later he was banging a fist on a not opening door. Spock had opted to hit the chime but neither elicited an answer.
When it was clear that there would be no answer, Bones growled and nearly shouted, "Dr Leanoard McCoy medical power of attorney and attending physician override code seven-seven-delta-quad-nine."
The door seemed to process the information before the lock turned green and the doctor barreled through the room calling Jim's name with expletives thrown in at random. Spock began scouring the small apartment for any kind of sign of where the captain might be.
McCoy cursed under his breath. "Not a single crum to be found unless you count the used coffee grounds, dang it Jim!" That boy and his utter lack of self preservation! Bones should have been here to keep an eye on him! Should have known and not gotten overly distracted with his own work and trauma.
They were all just trying to stay afloat- some more than others. But Jim withdrawing like this was never a good thing. He should have noticed it sooner!
A sound of distress followed by a very loud and the Vulcan equivalent of panicked voice. "Dr. McCoy!"
The man in question wasted no time in meeting Spock in Jim's bedroom. The Vulcan was standing, looming over the bed where he held a worn leather book in his hand. His eyes were scanning the page with urgency, a wildness overcoming the Vulcan in a way that Bones had seen only once before. And that was when Jim had-
He snatched the book away from Spock, his own eyes scanning the page. Then everything stopped. The lights seemed to dim, the whiring of electricity powering down. All he could hear was the rushing of his own blood. All he could see were the words printed in his best friend's handwriting.
Captain's Final Log Stardate 2263.33
No. That wasn't- that's not-
When this book is inevitably found I wanted to leave a word of explanation. I know it does not justify what I am about to do, I will die in dishonor. I'm prepared for that . But I can't not leave something.
This was his- this was Jim's-
I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the people who care about me. To the people I tricked into thinking I was worth it. I was a loner and then I was suddenly not and I liked it. I liked not being alone. But all it did was hurt you. And I'm sorry. Hopefully this will give you some closure.
No.
No.
Nononononononono
This was not
No.
He refused.
No.
His eyes skimmed past the names and words not quite grasping any of them until-
Bones,
His eyes rested there on his name. These were intended as his best friend's final words to him. He couldn't-
I'm sorry.
A bitter laugh worked his way out. Wasn't he always? Wasn't he ALWAYS sorry? The kid was always doing something to crush McCoy's soul, causing him to worry out of his mind, only to turn those puppy eyes on him and apologize and Bones would fall for it every single time. He wanted nothing more than to see those eyes right now.
I don't know what else to say to you. You were there from the day I entered the Academy. Two screw ups with nothing left. But we found something.
Yeah. He'd found JIm. He'd found a reason to keep going. And when the time came he couldn't return the freaking favor?!
And I want you to keep finding something, okay? Remember your daughter. She's still on Earth and she loves you and you love her. Joanna couldn't have a better dad and never forget that. Just because Jocelyn doesn't know how to use her big girl words doesn't mean that you shold cut yourself off from the happiness that you deserve.
How dare he. How. Dare. He. How dare he bring his daughter into this?! How did he think Joanna was going to react to find out that her Uncle Jim had-
Do what you think best. If you want to continue in space, go for it. If you want to go home, know that I support it. Just be happy my friend.
How could he possibly expect him to be-
I know that you're thinking you should have seen it. But you couldn't have. I didn't want you to. It's not on you it's only on me. You did everything you could. You noticed more than anyone else. Don't blame yourself for it not being enough. I'm sorry for putting you through this. I never should have left the Bridge. And maybe someday you'll find it in you to forgive your best friend one last time for being such an idiot. And don't take care of others so much that you neglect yourself. And don't drink yourself to death. And please at least try to be happy. Spock is going to be a mess even if he doesn't show it. Help him if you can. And if you can't, well it's just one more thing to lay on my account. I love you my friend.
The tears were streaming down his face with such ferocity he could barely read the closing words.
And to all of you, I truly am sorry. But this is just me fixing what should have happened a month ago. Just another knot in the timeline that I have to unravel.
I wish you all happiness and the best of lives,
Your friend,
Jim
The book was taken from his hands but he didn't move. He continued staring down at where the words had once been.
Jim was…. Jim was dead? Jim had- Jim had kill- Jim had killed himself? Where was the body? How could he-
He was the worst-
How could he call himself a doctor- a trained psychiatrist- if he hadn't even-
His best friend had-
"He is not dead." The words were said with such staunch anger and resolution that McCoy couldn't help but look up.
"Spock-" he felt so lost. Any training he might have had was utterly gone. He needed something to fix. If he was here- here in any condition he'd take any condition because he could fix could fix a suicidal Jim. He could fix a not breathing Jim. He could fix a dead Jim! He'd done it before! But- they needed to find him so McCoy could do- could do SOMETHING!
"He. is. Not. Dead."
"We need to find him-"
"I would feel it."
That caused the doctor to stop. "What do you-"
The Vulcan locked intense eyes with Bones, "I felt him die. I felt the loss of his presence due to radiation. I felt his life exit this plane of existence but I did not feel it today. He is alive."
~TH~
Hope you enjoyed that!
Honestly, chapter one is my favorite and that's one of the reasons I postponed posting this fic for a year lol.
I did get my friend who was visiting into Star Trek and I am *very* proud of that.
The next chapter is from Spock's POV.
Let me know what you think!
Much love and God bless,
Jamie