Baby Mikaelson
Chapter Ten: Our Desires
Elena Gilbert
Desire. Sooner or later it takes hold of you in a way you never expected. Suddenly our thoughts and actions are controlled only by our desires. We let it wash over us like fresh spring rain until we are totally and completely engulfed in our own selfish wants and needs. When this happens it's easy to lose control, even easier to give control to another person...
I had taken my time driving home from the campus in any effort to gain back control of my thoughts. What happened at the college wasn't right, it wasn't normal but it had happened. The entire ride, all I did was try and convince myself that what had transpired back at the college was not my fault and was completely out of my control. Sadly this was not the case, I had accepted Shane's bizarre offer to have him fertilize my egg.
It was an experiment, I merely wanted to see my little egg up close. There was nothing more I could have done with my egg now, the sperm sample that Shane and Bonnie had at the college had been destroyed, if I hadn't agreed to let Shane fertilize the egg then the day was just ruined.
I pulled the car over just after the town sign welcoming me back to Mystic Falls. I cut the engine and unbuckled my seatbelt, quickly rolling down the window to give myself some much needed fresh air.
What I had let Shane do to my egg was wrong. That was the truth and the only truth that mattered. I was wrong but so was he, he should never have offered to do such a thing. He had made the offer, I had taken a walk, he had collected his own sample while I was gone and then I returned to him knowing what he had done while I was gone. What kind of person had I turned into?
This wasn't me, this was the type of behaviour of a poor woman desperate to have a baby. I hadn't even begun my treatments to prepare my body for any possible pregnancy and yet I had let Shane do this.
If Damon found out that Shane had done this, that I let Shane do this for me. He would lose his mind, he might even kill Shane. I didn't want that, not only was Shane human but deep down I believed he did want to help me. Damon was struggling enough with the reality that if we didn't find the cure then one day I might want to have a baby, a baby he wouldn't be the father of.
If Damon found out that back at the college, Shane and I had basically just made a baby together. He would leave me and I wouldn't blame him.
I found myself biting my lower lip at my own thoughts out of the blue.
Shane and I had basically made a baby together.
No.
Shane and I had just made a baby together.
This man had offered me his sperm for my baby, we had watched together as everything came together. His sperm had found my egg in probably less than ten seconds. He said it himself, the first time he and his wife had gone without protection she had become pregnant.
Suddenly I felt very warm almost uncontrollably warm, having flashbacks of my encounter with
Shane.
"Too bad I'm not a hybrid"
Too bad? Had he actually said that. Wait, was he telling me he would have given me his sperm if he could? Was Shane telling me he would have liked to have fathered my baby?
I turned on the engine of my car and cranked up the AC immediately to gain some control over my raising temperature.
Shane knew I was with Damon and we were in love. Why would he say something like that? I mean did he feel something for me? No, that wasn't possible he would never. Everyone who knew me could see how much I loved Damon, before my head lifted from the pillow every morning I had already thought of him. We were fighting right now but all couples fought sooner or later about all kinds of things, right now what we were fighting about was a pretty big thing.
It was the biggest thing we ever fought about before, because it was a life-changing decision. A decision I wasn't going to back down about because it was something I wanted so desperately. I needed to have a baby and if I could have one of my own then Damon should be supportive of me and be happy at the idea that we could have a family together.
A lot of men in the world raise children who aren't their own, my own dad did it for me my entire life without me even knowing.
If Damon did change his mind about us having a baby and he didn't want our baby to know he wasn't their father then I would support that.
But then again I remember how heartbroken I was when I found out I was adopted, I could have known John and Isobel a little better before they died if my parents had been open with me about it.
Maybe I could arrange for the father of my baby to see our little one someday, I mean it wouldn't be a big secret, the father of my baby deserved to see their child. Damon was the man I loved but he didn't control what I did or the choices I made. If the hybrid who helps me wants to see their baby, then maybe I'll remember this feeling I have right now of being completely alone.
I'll use that as the fuel I might need someday to use against my guilt.
I knew I was just holding back and hiding from my own thoughts about my time with Shane. I wasn't going to lie to myself and say I wasn't a bit taken back when our eyes met, he was attractive and he obviously thought something of me.
Had he thought about me when he was alone? Was I his inspiration?
My skin grew warmer and my heart thundered hard against my chest at the idea that Shane might want me for himself. But I wasn't cheating on Damon by thinking such thoughts, they were just thoughts and no actions. I would sooner die than hurt Damon and I'd never ever cheat on him, not ever.
What was I suppose to do now? Confront Shane and tell him to back off?
Maybe. Probably.
I didn't know how to feel about all of this. I was already dealing with so much and out of nowhere Shane just does this to me? Why?
I looked down at my clothes, nothing screamed out. What was he drawn to exactly?
I was probably reading too much into it, or maybe I should test my theory and see his reaction? If I was going to prove Shane meant more in his comment today then I had to see his reaction to me looking my best. I got out of the car and began headed for the trunk, I had bags of stuff I had been meaning to clear out for some time, including some with clothes.
I found a pair of skinny jeans that always hugged a little tighter than I normally liked and with that I found a black tank top to pair with it. I headed to the backseat of my car and changed into them before returning to the driver's seat. Into my handbag I retrieved a hairbrush and some make up,
Twenty minutes later I was happy with the results, I didn't look differently than I normally did, I only looked better than I had when Shane had saw me that morning. I looked down at my chest and despite myself I adjusted my bra straps to give myself a little lift, I lowered my tank top ever so slightly after that.
I added a little perfume to my wrist, neck, and hair before returning everything back into my handbag.
I didn't turn the car around immediately, I just left the engine running for a while until I got myself together. I didn't know exactly what I was doing, it felt wrong I could feel my stomach twist, it was as if I was cheating.
Despite it all I turned the car around and headed back in the direction of the college. I knew if I stopped the car again or even looked in my rear mirror I turned back around and head immediately back to Mystic Falls.
I parked at the college and cut the engine to my car, reapplying some more perfume before exiting the car. I put on my jacket but kept it open at the front, I fluffed my hair and ran my fingers through it as I turned in the direction of Shane's building.
Go home to Damon, just go home and forget it happened.
That's what I was telling myself but as I pushed the door open to the lab Shane was working from and our eyes met, my thoughts quickly changed.
"Elena" Bonnie smiled at me.
"Hey" I smiled, yet secretly horrified she was here.
I closed the door to the lab behind me and Shane's eyes yet again met mine as I made my way over to him and Bonnie, who were working from the same table Shane and I had been only an hour earlier.
"Shane said this morning went great"
I kept my focus on Bonnie, not wanting her to catch me locking eyes with Shane and read anything into it.
"It did, it was a little you know, uncomfortable but I managed"
Bonnie took my hand "It worked, Elena"
"What did?"
"The hybrid sample we had on file" Shane said then and we both looked to him "I was able to test it against your egg, it connected. The egg is fertilized"
Bonnie looked at me her eyes almost swelling with tears.
What the hell was going on? What was Shane up to?
My questions were answered when in that moment our eyes locked.
Oh, my god, he's lying to Bonnie.
Shane has clearly lied and told Bonnie he's used the hybrid sample and not his own. Shane is trying to get me to agree to him using his own sperm and put our egg inside of me!
No, he wouldn't be that crazy. That is disgusting! That shameful!
Shane left us then to do something across the room and Bonnie turned to me.
"Are you ready to give it a try?"
"What? You mean right now?"
Bonnie leaned forward "Listen, Shane said it himself, the chances of it working the first time aren't high at all. But it's about testing how your body responds to it, how long it can hold it for"
"Bonnie"
"Don't be scared about what Damon might make of this, I know you will want to tell him about it but you don't have to"
"I don't know. I thought we had so much to do before we even talked about stuff of this level. I mean I'm not even on any of the fertility treatments we talked about yet"
"It's a simple procedure, Elena" Shane returned to the table then brushing back me. "It's completely in your hands, if we test it or not"
Test what? Your sperm and my egg inside of me? Are you crazy? Are you completely out of your mind? He's sick! He's actually sick! How can he just stand there and lie to Bonnie! Does he honestly think he can get away with it?
On top of it all it won't work! He's human! The only reason he'd even be suggesting this in the first place would be to know he...oh my god. He was only suggesting it so he could test my reaction, he wanted to test me, how I would respond to lying to my friends and to Damon.
Shane knew he couldn't get me pregnant but he wanted, he wanted to have his sample inside of me.
"So what do you think?" Bonnie asked me.
Behind Bonnie I caught Shane looking at me, his eyes drifted down to my lips, to my neck and finally settled on my chest before returning to my eyes.
What the hell was happening?
Shane was attracted to me.
Was this ok? NO OF COURSE NOT!
If Caroline hadn't messed with my head so much this week and if Damon had just been a little more supportive then maybe I wouldn't be feeling so confused right now. So unsure of myself and my feelings. I was a new vampire how could they both abandoned me like this!
Desire. Sooner or later it takes hold of you in a way you never expected. Suddenly our thoughts and actions are controlled only by our desires. We let it wash over us like fresh spring rain until we are totally and completely engulfed in our own selfish wants and needs. When this happens it's easy to lose control, even easier to give control to another person...When we give up that control, we can let go of our fears and give into what we want, what we've always wanted.
I leaned forward and hugged Bonnie which she immediately returned, my eyes locking on Shanes.
"Okay, let's do it"