This fic was born from my freakish attention to detail when watching movies. I noticed in Endgame that during Natasha's death scene on Vormir she wasn't wearing her arrow necklace. That made me start wondering why, and here we are.
This is going to be two closely connected one-shots set about a year and a half apart. I've come to realize I do much better with one-shots than I do longer stories. My ADHD interferes when I try to keep a longer narrative going and cohesive. I'll tell you what part 2 is going to be at the end.
I put more thought and effort into this one than usual, so I hope you like it.
And because the disclaimer has to be there, I own none of these characters. I just enjoy writing about them.
Clint jolted awake from yet another dream about Natasha. It was the same one he'd been having several times a week since she had pushed herself out of his grasp and plummeted to her death six months ago.
It always ended the same way, with him waking up the instant Nat's body broke on the rocks below. He had tried to maintain eye contact throughout her fall so she would know she wasn't alone, but he hadn't been able to make himself watch the light fade from her eyes when she hit the ground. He hadn't seen the moment of impact, but his brain helpfully supplied all the gory details in his dreams. He had forced himself to look down and his heart shattered when he saw the empty shell of his best friend sprawled on the ground. She wasn't in there anymore. She was there and then gone, that fast.
Natasha's expression in those last moments had been heartrending, and every detail would be etched into his memory forever. He could see the determination in her eyes, but he could also see how terrified she was. They had communicated with just facial expressions for years, and she was trying to pour everything there was no time left to say into one look. She was every bit as heartbroken as he was and she wanted him to know it. Her voice had said 'Let me go' and 'It's okay' but her eyes were saying 'I'm sorry' and 'I love you'. Nat had known exactly how much losing her was going to hurt him, because she knew how she'd feel if their positions were reversed. But she wouldn't be swayed from her course of action.
Natasha had known and accepted that one of them would have to die to obtain the Soul Stone, and she was absolutely determined that it wouldn't be Clint. She had saved his life so many times he'd lost count years ago, and her last act was to do it one more time.
She was so selfless. He didn't deserve her. None of them did.
They'd only had one day together after she came and pulled him out of his rage fueled mission. He had squandered five years on vengeance with no real end goal when he could have been by his best friend's side when she needed him the most. He'd never be able to forgive himself for that. Or for the awful things he had said to her the one and only time he'd gone to the Compound to see her about two years in.
She had known he was there the second he walked in the room. Hell, probably when he was walking down the hallway. He stood in the doorway staring at her for a few seconds, a little thrown by her hair being half blonde with red roots.
"Hi, Clint." Natasha said without turning around, "Was starting to think you forgot about me."
"So this is what's left of the Avengers?" Clint said mockingly, "You mind explaining why my family is gone along with half of everyone else?"
"Because we lost." Nat told him flatly, finally turning to look at him, "We failed."
"You promised me you'd keep them safe, Natasha!" Clint spat at her, "And all you can tell me is that you failed? I thought you never made a promise you couldn't keep? What happened to that, huh?"
"I'm sorry, Clint." she said quietly with a pained expression, "I'm trying to figure out how to bring everyone back. I won't give up."
"That's very reassuring." he said scathingly, "Finally found something you can't lie or murder your way out of, I guess."
"Why are you here?" Natasha asked. His jab had stung. She was trying not to let it show, but Clint knew her far too well for her to be able to hide it from him completely. The almost imperceptible flinch when his words hit home was a dead giveaway.
"I can't stop by to visit my best friend?"
"When I haven't heard a word from you in almost two years?" she said sarcastically, "Just wondering what the occasion is."
"It's the anniversary of the day we met, Nat." Clint said quietly, "I wanted to see you."
"Well, here I am. Being seen." Nat shot back at him, "What are you even doing, Clint? This isn't you. You're better than this."
"It's not fair, Nat." Clint said as he tried to explain something he didn't completely understand himself, "All the good people that are gone, and these pieces of shit get to stick around and prey on the ones that are left. I'm doing something about it."
"By killing them."
"It's what I was trained to do." He pointed out with a shrug, "Same as you."
"Yeah, well I choose my targets a little more carefully." Natasha said, "This isn't justice, Clint. It's rage. I've seen the crime scene photos."
"YOUR targets?" Clint said harshly, "At least my targets are far from innocent. Sao Paulo? The hospital? Dreykov's daughter? Antwerp? You have no right to judge me. It's going to take me years, decades even, to have as much blood on my hands as you. You've got NO room to talk!"
Clint realized immediately that he'd gone too far. It was a low blow and then some. He had never judged or criticized her for her past before, and doing so now when he hadn't spoken to her for almost two years made it that much worse. Nat didn't say anything for a few moments, but he could see the depth of hurt in her eyes that she was trying and failing to hide.
The vigilante took a longer look at Natasha and saw through the brittle mask she was hiding behind. He saw the dark circles under her eyes that said she wasn't sleeping well, if at all. He saw her clothes hanging loosely on her, indicating that she had lost a significant amount of weight. He glanced around the room and saw the piles of paperwork everywhere and the dishes neatly stacked on a counter. Looking back at Natasha, he made eye contact with her and saw the conflicting emotions reflected there. The hurt from what he had just said, the concern for him, and an aching loneliness that she was desperately trying not to let show.
"I'm gonna go now." he told his former partner, "I just wanted to stop by and make sure you're doing okay."
"I'm not." Nat blurted out with unexpected complete honesty, and then winced like she hadn't meant to say it before saying in a softer voice, "I'm not okay, Clint."
It was unlike Natasha to even come close to admitting something like that, let alone come out and say it directly. There was a vague desperation to her that was wholly unfamiliar to him, and the complete openness was a little shocking after years of having to pry any information about how she was feeling out of her.
"I'm still trying to figure out how to bring everyone back, and almost everyone else has given up on it." Nat continued when it became apparent Clint wasn't going to respond, "Steve moved back to Brooklyn a few months ago, and he was hardly here before that. Rhodey spends most of his time in Washington. Tony's out of the game completely raising his daughter. I'm not even sure where Bruce is right now, he hasn't checked in for a while. Thor moved to New Asgard last year, and he's a complete wreck. I've been here by myself for months and I'm the only one still trying to fix what we fucked up. My social life consists of occasional video chats with other people who also aren't qualified to be in the position they're in and emails with a goddamn talking racoon. He's an abrasive asshole, but he's the only person that's still willing to just TALK to me regularly. The Danvers woman, the racoon, and Thanos' cyborg daughter that he betrayed are trying to find me information on the Stones, but I think they're just humoring me more than anything else. No one checks up on me because I spent the last decade convincing them all that I didn't need anyone, and then the only person still alive who knows how big of a lie that is doesn't show up for two goddamned years!"
Natasha looked at him with a forlorn expression and tears standing in her eyes that she refused to let fall, "I don't know how much longer I can hold it together, Clint. It's too much."
Clint could only stare at her for a moment. He knew that an admission like that from her meant she was teetering on the edge of a breakdown. Natasha never admitted things like that unless she was close to losing control, and she probably wouldn't admit it to anyone but him. Or maybe Steve.
"I want my best friend back." she whispered with a catch in her voice, "I hate not having you around."
"Your best friend is dead, Natasha." he bluntly told her, "He died with his family. I'm not sure who I am now, but I'm not him. Not anymore. Hawkeye is gone, it's Ronin now."
With that said Clint spun on his heel and walked out of the room. As he rounded the corner he heard a strangled sob coming from where he'd left Natasha. He should have gone back and tried to comfort her, or at the very least apologized for hurting her. But he didn't do either of those things. He just mentally added 'made my best friend cry' to the long list of reasons he had to hate himself as he left.
He didn't see Natasha again until she came to get him in Tokyo three years later. He felt bad about hurting her, but what he really couldn't forgive himself for was getting so lost in his grief and rage over losing his family that he had allowed himself to forget that Natasha was part of that family too. Losing Laura and the kids had hurt her too, and he had selfishly refused to acknowledge that.
He had found out from Rhodey shortly after they defeated Thanos that Natasha had been running interference with the authorities the entire time. She had covered up his activities as best she could and left false trails to mislead the police when they started to get too close to him. She had also erased all the video footage she could access to protect his identity. He had completely abandoned her and she had never stoppedwatching his back. He really didn't deserve that kind of loyalty after everything he'd done.
A few weeks later a package arrived at the farm. The delivery guy was apologetic and explained that it had gotten lost in all the chaos that had been going on with half the planet's people returning all at once.
Clint examined the small box with a heavy heart. The return address was that of the Avengers Compound and it was addressed to him in Natasha's elegant, flowing script.
He walked up the stairs towards Nat's room with the box clutched in his hands. Whatever was in it was important enough she had made an effort to make sure it reached him, even though it was almost eight months after he figured he was supposed to get it. He decided on a whim to open it in Natasha's bedroom. Opening it in the space that had been hers seemed appropriate, and if he was being honest with himself it would make him feel like she was still there with him for a few minutes.
When the door swung open Clint felt an unexpected pang of grief. The air that rushed out at him held just the faintest hint of the light vanilla perfume she had always worn. Clint was one of the only people who knew that she wore it because vanilla was a calming scent for her. On missions that were especially stressful she'd often rub a little of it right below her nose so a couple deep breaths would make it easier for her to compose herself.
Laura was the only person who ever entered Natasha's room, and she only did it to dust every so often. Her possessions were otherwise exactly where she had left them. Including the green vest she had casually tossed on her bed at some point. Clint didn't recognize it, but if she had acquired it sometime in the last five years he wouldn't have known about it.
Clint gazed down at Nat's office chair and the red blanket sitting in it still formed in the shape of her hips. That brought another pang of sadness. She liked to sit with that blanket over her legs while she read or did paperwork. Laura had given it to her for Christmas one year after she mentioned how much she liked the one that was draped over the back of the couch in the living room. Seeing that blanket still shaped to fit around her hurt. It looked like she had just gotten up for a few minutes, but she wouldn't be coming back to sit there ever again.
Clint was getting better about coping with the gaping hole Natasha had left in his heart, but that just made the little things hurt so much more. He kept expecting her to walk through the front door unannounced the way she had so many times before, but she wasn't going to. He knew that but it was still hard to accept, and he knew that her absence would never feel normal. He had even dialed her number a few times out of reflex to tell her about something she would have thought was funny, and was abruptly brought back to reality by the message saying the number was no longer in service. Laura was the love of his life, but he and Natasha had just understood each other on a level few people ever reached. Not having her there to talk to had formed a persistent ache that just wouldn't go away.
"I miss you so much, Tasha." he whispered to the empty room with a catch in his voice, "I don't know how I'm supposed to live in a world without you in it."
There was a soft swirl of air in the room after he said that and he felt a light brush against his cheek that felt so achingly familiar it stopped him in his tracks with a soft gasp. Nat had done things like that often. She was never showy about her affection, expressing it in more subtle ways instead. A light brush of her hand against his skin was one of the many small ways she showed him she cared. Clint knew it was probably his imagination, but magic was real, along with aliens and gods. He no longer had any doubt about those things, so who was he to say that the afterlife didn't exist? He hoped Natasha had found peace and wouldn't be trapped in the veil between life and death, but with the sheer number of things from her past that she'd never fully reconciled it wouldn't surprise him if she couldn't let go enough to leave it all behind. Clint just stood in the middle of the room for a few minutes, torn between wishing for her to be here in some small way and hoping like hell that she wasn't.
Clint knew it was irrational and that she wouldn't care, but he couldn't bring himself to disturb the blanket she had left in her office chair. He rolled it out of the way and pulled a folding chair over to the desk instead. He placed the box on the desk in front of him and stared at it for a few minutes, not able to muster the courage to open it yet.
Finally, silently admonishing himself for being a coward, he took a deep breath and opened the box. It was rectangular and not very deep, and he had been wondering what was in it. His heart sank when he saw the small jewelry box inside sitting on top of an envelope.
Upon opening the jewelry box his breath caught in his throat, because he recognized what was inside instantly. It contained the necklace with the arrow charm Natasha had worn for years. Laura had given it to her for Christmas shortly after the Avengers had formed and she almost never took it off. The arrow charm led people to believe it represented Clint, but only a handful of people knew the necklace actually represented the entire Barton family. Clint had caught her playing with the arrow charm when she was feeling out of sorts on numerous occasions. It reminded her that she had a family that loved her, and that was comforting to her on a level Clint would never fully understand. He had noticed she wasn't wearing it on Vormir but hadn't brought it up because there were more important things to worry about at the time. He had occasionally wondered since then what she had done with it. Now he knew.
Clint gently picked the necklace up and his heart nearly stopped when he spotted the second charm that had been tucked under the padding in the box. Dangling on a short length of gold chain was a small, gold spider. The type of spider was made obvious when he saw the two tiny red gems in the shape of an hourglass. She had added another charm to represent herself, and it hit Clint suddenly that she had probably at least suspected she wouldn't be making the return trip from retrieving the Soul Stone.
Clint clutched the necklace in his fist and brought it up to his forehead. He could feel the tears fighting to break free and didn't try to stop them. He sat there for a while silently weeping for the best friend he'd ever had and didn't notice the door creak open until he heard Laura's voice.
"Clint, honey, are you okay?" his wife asked softly.
In response he opened his hand and showed her the necklace. She recognized it as quickly as he had and audibly gasped.
"She didn't take it with her." Clint said in a broken whisper, "I think she knew she wasn't coming back and she didn't say anything. I noticed she wasn't wearing it right before...before..."
"She wanted you to have something tangible to remember her by." Laura reflected sadly, "She never cared about herself, but she cared so, so much about everyone else. It's not fair. It's not fair that she had to die so everyone else could live. Natasha deserved to have a nice long life more than anyone else I ever met. But we both know she thought it was worth it."
Clint had no words at the moment, he was too overwhelmed by the idea that she had knowingly gone to her death without telling anyone. He thought of the last thing the rest of the team had heard Nat say and felt the emotion welling up again. She had been depressed and stressed out for five years, he'd seen it for himself in that brief visit. But when she said 'I'll see you in a minute' to Steve with her habitual smirk it was pure Romanoff sass. He'd had no idea at the time, but looking back on it with this new information he saw it for the deflection it was. She had always done that when something scared her. Deflected and covered it up with snark so no one would see the fear she was hiding. Normally Clint picked up on it, but he had missed it completely that time.
"She left a letter too." Clint quietly told Laura, "I want to read it, but at the same time I don't. It's the last thing I'm ever going to hear from her and that hurts so much to think about."
He looked at the envelope nestled in the box and saw that it was addressed to 'Francis' in Natasha's overly fancy writing. He was the only person who ever called her Tasha, she was Nat to everyone else. In return she was the only person who got away with calling him by his middle name, which he hated. Only Natasha would make a point of getting in one last jab from beyond the grave, he noted ruefully.
Clint held the envelope up so his wife could see it, "Look how she addressed it."
Laura couldn't help the soft chuckle that escaped her, even though her face held a wealth of pain. She knew very well that Natasha had called him Francis when she was messing with him and wanted to get under his skin.
"Do you want to read it with me?" Clint asked her tentatively.
"No." Laura responded firmly, "She left that for you. If there's anything it it that pertains to me you can tell me later."
Laura walked out of the room then, leaving Clint alone with the last words from the woman that had changed his life in so many ways. He took a deep breath and let it out with a heavy sigh, then carefully tore open the envelope and started to read.
Hey Clint,
If you're reading this then Nebula was right about what had to happen to get the stone and I'm dead. Don't look so shocked. I never sugarcoated things when I was alive, and I'm certainly not going to start now.
There are so many things I wanted to say to you, but never did. I'm correcting that now. This is probably going to get a little sappy in places and I know how much you hate that, but I'm never going to get another chance to say these things so you're just going to have to deal with it.
I love you so much, Clint. I know I've always said love is for children but deep down I knew that was a lie I was telling myself to avoid future heartache, and you knew it too. We always joked about it with the whole 'You know you love me' we'd throw out when one of us irritated the other, but there was always some real feeling there that we never really acknowledged. I wish I'd said it when I was alive. I should have said it every damn day. It hurts saying it now knowing that you're not going to read this until after I'm gone and you can't say it back where I can hear it. I didn't realize until now just how much I've wanted to hear those words from you.
"I love you too, Tasha." Clint whispered softly.
You just said it out loud while you're reading this, didn't you?
Clint had to set the letter down for a moment and slump back into the chair. She knew him so well she predicted his response perfectly almost eight months in advance. If this whole letter was going to be like that it would be painful to get through. As it was, he could hear her voice in his head reciting what she'd written.
Every good thing I had in my life for the last twenty years I owe to you. Every. Single. Thing. I was supposed to die with an arrow in my heart when I was barely eighteen years old, but you decided things didn't have to be that way. You took a chance on me that I don't think anyone else would have, and I've been so grateful for that ever since. I never told anyone this, but I let you catch up to me that day on purpose. I was so tired of being used as a weapon and having my choices made for me, but I didn't think I could ever escape the Red Room's hold on me. No one ever had before, so getting myself killed was the only option I had. Or at least that's what I thought. You made a different call and it opened up a whole new world for me that I never even knew existed. You gave me the opportunity to find my place in a world I was taught I had no place in. You kept insisting that I didn't owe you anything, but you were wrong. I owe you everything, and I never forgot that.
You were so incredibly patient with me when I was struggling with the deprogramming and confused by all the nuances of a normal life I'd never been exposed to before. Knowing you now and how impatient you are when you're not in a sniper's roost, that means a lot to me. You didn't have to stick with me and help me find my path after you spared my life, but you did anyway. I probably wouldn't be the person I am today without your guidance in those first few months when everything was scary and confusing. I didn't understand why you cared so much about the teenage assassin you were supposed to kill, and it took a long time before I really believed that you weren't setting me up to hurt me in some way. It wasn't until you took me to the farm for the first time and trusted me with your most fiercely protected secret that I really trusted you. And I did trust you from that day on. Completely and without reservation.
That's why it hurt so much when you abandoned me for five long years while I was trying to hold everything together. I know you were lost and broken when Laura and the kids got dusted, but I didn't understand why you just left. I lost my shit too when I found out about them and I spent months looking for you. I never let anyone know, but I cried myself to sleep after every dead end I hit when I couldn't find you. Because I needed you more than I'd ever admit to anyone, and you weren't there.
Clint had to stop there for a few minutes while his stomach churned and his heart tried to murder him. He had known that his disappearing act had hurt Natasha, but he had no idea it was bad enough that she'd actually admit to crying about it in writing where she couldn't deny it. He'd felt bad enough when he made her cry by standing in front of her and telling her that her best friend died with his family, but this was a whole new level of guilt. He felt even guiltier when he thought about what Rhodey told him she had done. She was hurting from him abandoning her like that, yet her loyalty to him had never wavered and she never stopped having his back. Natasha was juggling far more responsibility than she'd ever had on her plate before, and still took the time to keep his dumb ass out of prison. She was giving him the chance to claw his way back from that, just like he had done for her fifteen years earlier. He really didn't deserve her.
It's okay, Clint. I know you feel like shit about that so I'm not going to throw it in your face. Much. I forgive you. I know I said it on the Quinjet on the way back from Tokyo, but I could tell you didn't believe me. I really do, though. There is almost nothing you could do that I wouldn't eventually forgive you for, and I forgave you for disappearing on me long before I came to bring you home. I understand why you did it. You were so enraged that the criminals could still prey on the people who were left that you had to do something about it. And you couldn't face me because you thought I'd judge you for that. But I never did. You never judged me for the awful things I did, so I couldn't judge you. I hope you can forgive yourself for all of that someday.
Speaking of forgiveness, if you run into Steve's friend Bucky could you tell him I forgive him for shooting me twice? I would have told him myself in Wakanda, but we were a little busy at the time and I didn't get a chance to do much more than exchange greetings with him. He was brainwashed when he shot me, both times. It wasn't him, and I understand that better than just about anyone. I know how guilty he feels about everything he did, because I've been there. He doesn't have to feel guilty about what he did to me. The Winter Soldier killed Tony's parents, he found that out after Germany. I hope he can forgive Bucky for that someday.
When he read that last line Clint's heart took up residence in his throat and refused to leave. Natasha had died before the second battle against Thanos, so she had no idea when she wrote the letter that Tony would give his life too.
Tell Steve he's going to have to find his own dates now. And that I still don't believe that wasn't his first kiss since 1945. He'll know what I mean. I'd write him a letter too, but I really only have time for this one and one other.
I called in a favor with Wong and had him portal me to the farm for a couple hours. I wanted a little time to myself and I wanted to make sure everything was ready for Laura and the kids to come back. I'm writing these letters at the desk you're probably sitting at right now. Open the bottom drawer to your right, I left a pint of your favorite bourbon in there. I figure you'll probably want a drink by now and I know you don't really like vodka all that much, despite how much of it you drank with me over the years.
Clint shook his head in disbelief and did as instructed. Sure enough, there was the bottle of bourbon exactly where she said it would be. How had she known at exactly what point in the letter he'd want a drink? And how had she known he'd read her letter at this desk?
I've always known that any mission I went on could be my last, and I've never really been afraid of death. But I always thought it would happen suddenly and I wouldn't know it was coming until the last second. But knowing that I'm going back in time to a different planet for the express purpose of dying? It scares the shit out of me, Clint. And I can't even talk to anyone about it because none of you would let me go if you knew what Nebula told me. She explained what she knew about the Soul Stone, which wasn't much. But what she did know is that in order to obtain it you first have to lose that which you love. It's a trade. A permanent one. And that's why I volunteered us to get that one. You NEED to come back with that stone, Clint. If you don't everything I've been working towards for the last five years was for nothing. I'm so, so, so sorry that it has to be you. I know how much it would break me if I had to watch you die, and I know it's not going to be any easier for you. I also know you're going to fight me on it and try to be the one to make the sacrifice. I'm not letting that happen, and if you're reading this letter it means I didn't.
Loki once accused me of being willing to trade the whole world for one man. I never admitted it until now, but he was right. I would have watched the world burn to ash if it meant you were alive and safe. I even would have lit the match myself. But this is bigger than that. My life is NOT worth half the universe. It just isn't, no matter what you say. I'm not trying to martyr myself here. That isn't why I'm doing this. I'm doing it so Laura and the kids can come back and have their husband and father waiting for them. I'm doing it for Wanda, Sam, T'Challa, Bucky, Nick, Maria, and everyone else that has impacted my life in some way. I'm doing it for the trillions upon trillions of people that I've never met and never will. I'm doing it to fix our fuck up. I'm doing it to make things right. I'm doing it because I'm an Avenger, and this is what we do. It's MY choice, and I'm making it of my own free will. No matter how much it terrifies me.
Clint thought back to Vormir when they were talking about what to do. Natasha had accepted what the ghostly entity had told them a lot faster than he'd expected her to. Now he understood why. She had already known what needed to happen and she was playing dumb to ease him into the idea.
He sipped from the bottle of bourbon she had left for him and reflected on what she had said in the letter about Loki. He wondered if he would have been willing to trade half of all the life in the universe for Natasha if he had known ahead of time. He very well might have been willing to let everyone stay gone if it meant she got to live. Laura and the kids would have stayed gone, but he had five years of that grief behind him already. Would he have been okay with Thanos winning if it meant he didn't have to lose the woman who was his soulmate in so many ways? Clint didn't know and he didn't like the fact that he couldn't answer that question with any confidence.
Clint had been willing to throw himself off that cliff without a second thought, and had actually done it. It didn't occur to him until just now that if Natasha hadn't followed him over the edge and stopped him it would be her sitting here trying to cope with losing him. And given what she had said in her letter, it would have been even harder for her than it was for him. Not being able to save him when she felt like she owed him everything would have destroyed her. Clint shook off those thoughts with some difficulty and turned his attention back to the letter. There was still almost another entire page he hadn't read yet.
I need you to do me a huge favor after you read this, Clint. The other letter in the box is for my sister Yelena. Can you track her down and make sure she gets it? I would have given it to her directly, but she moves around so much I have no idea where to send it. She was lost in the Snap, and I have no idea where she was when it happened. Probably in Europe somewhere, but I can't narrow it down more than that. Also, the vest on my bed was hers. She gave it to me right before we broke you guys out of the Raft. She likes to have a lot of pockets and I think she'd probably want it back. And I'm sure you noticed my Corvette is parked in the barn. I want her to have that too. Make sure the stereo is on before she starts it. And fair warning, she's kind of a hothead and isn't going to know much of anything about the circumstances of my death. She's probably going to blame you for it and might try to kill you. And she probably can, she's almost as good as I am and far more ruthless. Remember the whistle I showed you years ago that we did when we were kids? Use it if you can't get her to listen to you. Please help her find her way like you did for me, if she'll let you. Take care of my baby sister, Clint. The only happiness we had in our childhood was because we had each other, and losing me is going to be really hard for her. I know losing her was hard for me, and I knew she'd come back eventually. She doesn't have that reassurance.
I'm not going to drag this out much more. I know you're probably a complete wreck by now. I'm crying while I write this and I'm not ashamed to admit it. I can only imagine how you feel reading it.
You're the best friend I've ever had and I can't fathom how my life would have turned out if you hadn't come into it. Probably short and brutal with a painful and pointless end if how it was going before is any indication.
Thank you for making the choice that changed my fate. Thank you showing me what a real family is and making me a part of yours. Thank you for trusting me when you had no reason to. Thank you for showing me how it feels to be loved, and how to love in return. Thank you for all the times you held me while I cried when I woke up terrified from a nightmare, and for never saying a word about it. Thank you for keeping my secrets and never telling anyone how broken I really am inside. Thank you for giving me the life I had for the last twenty years. But more than anything else, thank you for just being you.
Tell Laura, Cooper, Lila, and the Traitor that I love them so much and I'm so sorry I can't be there for them anymore. It breaks my heart knowing that them, Wanda, and Sam will have to come back and learn that I'm gone.
I want you to know that I loved you with all my heart until my very last breath. Know that, feel it in your bones, and never EVER forget it. You, Clint Barton, are the single most important person in my world. Think of me when you watch the fireflies on warm summer nights and I'll never be far away.
Try not to get yourself killed now that I'm not there to watch your back, okay?
I love you, you big idiot.
Your best friend,
Tasha.
Laura found her husband twenty minutes later on his knees sobbing his heart out into the blanket Natasha had left on her office chair. She didn't say a word, just sat beside him and gently rubbed his back while he grieved. She knew he hadn't completely let go of the hope that Natasha had somehow managed to cheat death like she had so many times before. And she knew Clint well enough to know that the dam finally breaking now after holding strong for months was because he had finally fully accepted that his best friend was gone and she wasn't coming back.
Not for the first time, Laura reflected on how much damage Thanos had managed to do even in defeat. The team that had been fractured before was now completely shattered. They had mostly all gone their separate ways after Tony snapped away Thanos and his army, trading his life in the process. Bruce had gotten tired of the paparazzi and gone to live on an island somewhere. Thor was off wandering the galaxy with those Guardian people. Wanda had gone off the grid entirely, and no one had heard from her in months now. Sam had been introduced as the new Captain America a few weeks earlier, prompting the question of what had happened to Steve after he went to return the stones. He hadn't come back, but Sam had his shield so he knew something about it that he wasn't sharing. Rhodey was still mired in the Washington politics he had spent the last five years navigating. Tony and Natasha were both dead. Clint had retired, and Laura knew it was permanent this time. He didn't have the heart for it anymore. Not without his partner.
Clint had told her years ago that Natasha was the heart of the team, and she'd believed him. What she had seen for herself during the Ultron fiasco had only confirmed it. Nat had been badly shaken by Wanda's intrusion into her mind, and the boys had all protectively flanked her without being consciously aware that they had done so. Natasha had a knack for cutting through their egos without wounding their pride and getting them all on the same page, and they all deeply respected her for it. Steve may have been the leader, but Nat was the glue that held them together.
It was somehow fitting that the pieces had fallen apart without her there. Natasha was the first person Fury had recruited to his Initiative. And in a very tangible way, when she had died...the Avengers had died with her.
As you may have guessed, part 2 is going to be Yelena receiving the things Natasha left for her. It will be set around New Year's immediately after Hawkeye ends.
Hope you enjoyed my interpretation of what Natasha did with her necklace.