Chapter 1
Finding Neva sitting on the stairs up to his part of the house is one of the last things that he expected. It's so unexpected that he can't stop himself from stilling at the sight of her to wonder if forgot about and missed a meeting with her during the day.
'Neva?' he quietly calls as his eyes fully settle on her face, looking to read it for any type of clue as to why she's here so late.
'Good evening, Ilgaz,' she calmly responds, getting onto her feet to make way for him.
'Good evening,' he politely answers with a nod, carefully beginning to move past her and up the stairs.
Before the sound of her heels begin to softly tap upwards behind him, he feels her eyes follow him up, and he just can't help it think that he might've forgotten about an appointment with her. He remembers meeting her in the corridor at court, saying one or two words to her, and then nothing after that. In all truth, because his mind has only been on Ceylin today, it's possible that he forgot about all the other things that he might have said and done during the day.
Of course, it's not like him to forget things on a normal day, even if it's a bad one, but especially coming from Yekta's house in Shila tonight, his mind is completely elsewhere. Even though he took a risk enough to find the first tangible trace of a third person in Engin's murder case, even though that's good enough news to take to Ceylin tomorrow, he can't ignore the fact that there is still much to do for her, and thus, his lack of focus on all other things.
'Have you been here long?' he wonders, just barely looking back to show her presence some form of interest.
'It doesn't matter, Ilgaz,' Neva replies, but the tiredness in her voice gives her away. 'You're here now, so can we please talk?'
Ah! Now he remembers. He remembers meeting her in the corridor and stopping her from saying anything to him, telling her that they would talk later. He'd meant it, but he sure didn't mean that she should come to his house for that. In fact, he's suddenly uncomfortable with the idea of her here just so they can talk. It's not that he distrusts her, it's more that he doesn't know how tactful he can be with her while talking.
'We could've talked tomorrow,' he tells her over his shoulder, hoping that she'll accept the polite offer to leave.
'I'm already here,' she refuses, and he, seeing no other way around it, continues to open his door and steps in first.
He doesn't even bother to remove his shoes, he only stands back and invites her inside with a show of his hand. As much as she comes inside, she doesn't move further than the immediate entrance. Confused by that, he studies her, wondering what she's waiting for – it's not as if she hasn't been inside here before. For the number of times that she's been here, she shouldn't be so uncomfortable with moving freely. Ceylin barely knew him for three hours when she confidently walked in front of him into his father's part of the house – Neva shouldn't be this nervous when they've had an intimate relationship with each other; it's odd to see.
'Coffee?' he questions as an alternative to telling her to walk further into the house – she's allowed to have her reservations, and he'll not push her about them.
With a small smile, she answers, 'No milk,' as if remembering something dear to her.
'I haven't forgotten, Neva,' he tells her, slightly taking offence at the insinuation – he's not the type to just throw away information as if nothing.
Actually, he's more than slightly offended by her, now that he thinks about it. He doesn't know why all of a sudden, but it's hitting him just how different Neva is from Ceylin. The realisation hits him with blunt force that almost knocks his breath out, if not for his firm resilience. Here is Neva, well-behaved, reserved and respectful, knowing her boundaries around him – the ideal woman in other words, but it's like she never mattered to him at all.
'What happened?' she wonders with a frown, apparently confused by something.
'Nothing,' he dismisses and adds a hasty, 'Go inside, please. I'll start the coffee,' to cover up the error on his part, immediately following it with going into the kitchen and beginning the coffee.
The contrast between Neva and Ceylin is strange, though, he continues to think while moving around. Neva, who has known him longer, spent much more time with him than Ceylin did, is behaving like this house didn't ever accommodate her, like these cupboards don't have a cup that she favours, and like she needs every permission of his to even breathe around him.
She's someone different, this Neva, quite exemplary, and so much unlike Ceylin.
Ceylin, who first walked into his father's part of the house as if she had every right to poke around and do what she wanted. Ceylin joked around at every opportunity since they left the court, casually asked about his room as if they had already known each other for years before that, and just about made herself completely comfortable around him without an invitation.
She's completely different from Neva, Ceylin is, and yet, he'd choose her every time.
It's not the nicest of thoughts to have about someone he'd almost married, but it's true. As unpleasant to admit it as it is, and as he turns around to face her while the machine finishes their coffee, he decides that there is no point in avoiding the truth like he has been doing since his short talk with Neva about their failed relationship. This is the time to confront his hidden truth – it's not to say that he'll throw his love for Ceylin in her face, but if she touches on anything related to his wife, he'll be honest with himself about it.
'Did something happen with Pars?' he asks as a way to start them off.
Clearly, she's here for a reason, and though he has an idea of what's going on in her mind, he would rather that she brings it up.
'No,' she replies, 'but I can tell you that he isn't very happy with your behaviour.'
Shrugging, he tells her, 'I can't make everyone happy all the time,' because Pars is just one more person in the line of people who aren't happy with him.
His existence and behaviour can't be based on whether people are happy with him or not, least of all people who don't understand him at all.
'I know,' she sighs, partly rolling her eyes as well. 'I don't know if he's like this because of Ceylin or of you. I only know that he has very different feelings for each of you, but I don't know if that makes it worse or not.'
'I understand Pars,' he answers honestly. 'He's allowed to feel as he does, but I can't control what other people feel. I didn't take anything away from him, I didn't intentionally harm him, and I wasn't required to consult with him before taking any decision.'
To put it shortly, he really doesn't care about Pars' personal opinion. Maybe the time will come when he does, but it's not yet, and while it's like that, he won't give any importance to Pars' personal rants.
'I didn't say that,' she lightly argues. 'I only wanted you to know how he feels.'
Just then, the machine finishes with the coffee and while he can give her answer, he chooses to busy himself with pouring the coffee.
'There you go,' he pushes her mug in front of her as he takes a seat across from her.
Thankfully, Neva seems to not need an invitation to sit, as she pulls her chair out, sits in it and then takes the cup into both her hands, saying a quiet, 'Thank you,' before taking a small sip and setting the mug down in front of her.
'Don't take this the wrong way, Neva,' he starts, carefully studying her face, 'but if not for Pars, why did you come here so late? What is so urgent that it couldn't wait?'
He's asking, because he doesn't feel up to going around the bush before getting to the point. He'd rather that they get everything over with as soon as possible, and then he will get back to thinking about Ceylin's case and getting her back home.
'Ceylin Erguvan Kaya,' leaves her mouth without hesitation.
His beloved wife, his heart determines almost immediately, so quick on the alert and skipping a beat for it. He wonders if he made any expression to give himself away, or if she heard his heart stop for a bit, because her eyes on him are too watery to be happy, and the smile on her face is too rueful to be glad.
'Is there something that you want to say to me?' he asks - obviously, there is, but he apparently needs to push her to start with it already.
'I heard the name Ceylin Erguvan Kaya the other day,' she tells him, quietly moving her head, 'and I would be lying if I said that it didn't hurt to hear. That was going to be me, if you remember; Judge Neva Kaya.'
Well, he didn't suddenly forget, if that's what she's suggesting. He never explained it to her, because they never actually spoke about it in depth, but he hasn't really forgotten that he had a meaningful relationship with her once upon a time. A relationship like the one that they had isn't just one that can be wiped from one's memory, it's only that the memory of it doesn't come to shining as his moments with Ceylin do. Even now, he won't bring it up that he hasn't thrown away his memories, he will only allow her to have her say. Once she's gotten it all out, then he'll give her whatever answers she might want from him.
'Really, Ilgaz,' she speaks again, her voice sounding a little but strained, as if she doesn't want to be talking about this as much as she has to, 'I'm trying to move on with my life and accept everything that's happened, but it's harder than I thought it would be. It's not easy at all, understand me.'
'I am sorry, Neva,' he can't resist saying, but she holds up her hand to stop him from saying more.
'I see you keeping her on her feet, holding her hand, seeing only her in a corridor full of people and then disregarding standard protocols, and I just can't keep myself from comparing that to our relationship. You've broken more rules in the last thirty hours than in your whole life for Ceylin, and I just don't understand if I suddenly lacked something that I didn't before you met her. Was I missing something that she has? You quit being a prosecutor, Ilgaz,' she puts deep emphasis on that like it should be breaking news to him – it isn't, though, he knows what he did, it was his independent decision. 'Everyone knows you were proud to have that office.'
Still silent, he continues to look at her, waiting for her to take a breath and continue to get it all out. If it's on her heart, if it made her wait for him to come home, then it's only right that he allows her the room to express it all. His many years of prosecuting have taught him that at times, silence is the best motivator for the oppressed to confess.
'You also used to love me before,' she adds with a slight headshake. 'I know what it's like to have your love, so it's hard for me to see you love her so obviously in front of everyone, when less than two months ago, we were going to be married, Ilgaz. I don't think I'm being unreasonable by asking for an explanation.'
He nods to her, partly agreeing with her and the other part accepting that the time to give her clear and precise answers has come, despite his unwillingness to.
'You don't lack anything, Neva,' he answers truthfully. 'You never did lack anything, and like I said, you will make someone very happy one day. It was the distance, I should say. Maybe it became too much as the years went by, and by the time that I realised what happened, it was too late.'
He can honestly say that he never had a problem with the distance between them when they were in a relationship, although if he compares it to now, he can't believe that he was ever in a long-distance relationship. The simple thought that he could possibly spend a week restricted away from Ceylin burns his heart in the most painful of ways – he simply wouldn't endure it painlessly.
'You wanted us to get married,' she says, pushing her mug aside and leaning towards him, seemingly to remind him just how ridiculous it sounds to grow distant from the one that he wanted to marry.
She has a point, he internally admits with a small sigh as he also leans towards her, but her point being clear doesn't make any of what he just told her invalid. Before Ceylin, he swears that he would've accepted to give them another try now that she was near him. Now, however…
'Neva, I won't say this to hurt your feelings, but to be honest with you,' he carefully starts. 'You are right, you deserve to know the truth. I should have told you this from the beginning. I was wrong to dismiss that you also had a part in the break-up. I beg your pardon for that.'
'It's like you just threw everything away,' she adds, apparently agreeing with him wholeheartedly. 'Our friendship, our relationship, all of that just disappeared for you. I became so insignificant to you.'
'Neva –'
'Ilgaz, you hurt me,' she softly cries from the deepest of her soul, the sound deeply touching his heart. 'You broke me, and I still don't have a good reason why.'
'Listen, Neva,' he tries to begin his apology for that, 'I've always done the right thing, following the patterns that I was supposed to and never considered going astray. It was the same with us. We were friends, and then we were together, and it was wonderful. You are a wonderful person, Neva. You loved me and I thought that we would get married, because it was the next logical thing, but then I woke up one morning and I realised that I wasn't going to be happy following this script. I didn't wake up wanting to hurt you.'
'Hmm,' she makes a short, disbelieving sound, but only that.
Her disbelief is warranted, he silently accepts, and he can appreciate how things may look distorted from her point of view, however, he won't spend his time trying to convince her of the truth. Another part of the truth that he hasn't confessed to her, is how angry he is with Pars for pushing him into this helpless corner. Although he has no regrets about leaving, if Pars had just allowed him to help with the investigation, no one would be coming to question him about his recent choices, because they would have been different. He's also very angry with his father for going to see Ceylin and making her more agitated than she already is.
The thought makes him so furious!
What did his father think would happen? Ceylin's already not herself, she's barely speaking, and his father didn't help, he only pushed her back down harder. The usual Ceylin would've jumped at the first opportunity to see any evidence and then brainstorm about it, not cower away for his sake. Then, he's so very angry that everyone expects him to be silent, patiently waiting for others while his wife is wrongly accused and locked away from him. He especially hates how they all seem to think that his job is first above everything in his life, and that his duty to his wife isn't more important than that. His most important job is to protect his wife.
In short, he's in no state to spare anyone's feelings or be delicate about it, if they will keep pressing on his Ceylin wound.
'Believe me, Neva, it just happened that way,' he explains to her silent disbelief after the short pause. 'I didn't plan it, and I don't know how else to explain it.'
What he does know, is that he wants to explode with a shout to the whole world that Ceylin is a huge part of what makes up his whole existence, and that's all there is to it. To Neva, however, considering that they used to have an intimate connection where they talked about intimate things, he at least owes her the small courtesy of proper honesty, and so he will try for a fitting explanation.
'When I started with Ceylin,' he starts, 'I didn't think that we would last longer than acquitting Çinar. Was she beautiful? Yes, I noticed, but she was also everything that I didn't consider I would ever want in a woman. Ceylin was…' he pauses to search for the right words to use, and when he does, continues with, 'She didn't take anything seriously, she behaved too familiar with me, and I thought that I would never get used to her being that way. Because I only needed her to prove my brother's innocence, nothing more, I didn't think of her that way at first. I don't want to get into too many details, but it was only after spending time with her that everything changed for me.'
He doubts that even saying 'everything' finely outlines what he means. By everything, he does mean everything, but he doesn't think that any other person would understand the details of everything, so he won't get into that. He also won't mention how soon into the first week everything changed, seeing as it didn't take many hours for things to start changing.
'I never knew jealousy until she would trust everyone else, but not me, who'd done nothing but be honest with her,' he carries on telling her. 'I was transparent with her every step of the way, but she… She was the only person I've ever had to prove myself to. It was strange that while everyone else would vouch for me even without evidence, she would doubt me even when she had proof. What that did to me, Neva...'
It had been like a test for him. He did everything to try and prove to her that he cared and that she could trust him with all even the smallest detail of her life, but she still refused to see him as he wanted her to see him.
'I suppose that what a person normally takes for granted, becomes a huge obstacle when faced with the contrary. Anyway,' he quietly shakes his head, 'I also didn't know that I could suffer so much for someone else, because they were having a hard time. She was so reckless and impulsive, it's like she didn't care about the consequences of her actions, but in watching all of that, it was as if I was truly learning about myself. It turns out that I have triple the patience that I always had.'
That fact is especially interesting to him, and so he lets out a little fond laugh for it. His patience with her must be purely fuelled by his feelings for her, otherwise he really doesn't know he manages to generate so much of it when dealing with Ceylin.
'There are so many things, Neva,' he continues to tell her, 'and none of them are things that I'd thought about before. I can only tell you that I can't compare one of you to the other, and that I didn't hurt you on purpose.'
Neva lets out a small laugh at that, clearly feeling discomfort, and to prove it, she says, 'You say that you don't want to hurt my feelings, but you crush my soul instead. That wasn't what I expected to hear from you.'
'You asked,' leaves his mouth with sincerity, reminding her that she brought them to this point. 'I wouldn't have told you any of this.'
He is sorry about destroying her like this, but she provoked him to.
'Hm,' she sadly agrees, 'and now I know that my loving you doesn't compare to Ceylin as a person.'
'I never compared one of you to the other,' he quickly states, rightfully correcting her with a firm headshake. 'You are both very different from each other. It would be unfair to make comparisons.'
'But you married her so quickly and secretively,' she softly cries as she leans towards him, apparently needing to be closer to him for this. 'I know you, Ilgaz, you don't take such things lightly. You have plans for everything. I thought for a moment that you would do anything to save your brother, but when I realised that the marriage wasn't the only way out of testifying, I understood everything. You could have easily used your right to remain silent as a brother, you wouldn't have been called in as a prosecutor against your will. All that says is that you wanted to marry her.'
Yes, he did; it's as simple as that.
Marriage hadn't been the only option, neither had the option come to him just like that. He's not a spur of the moment or a seize-the-moment sort of man. His steps are always measured and well thought-out from the beginning to the end, meaning that he understood very early on what it would take to keep her by his side. He'd studied her to understand her, and when he was sure of her essence, he thought back to a conversation that he had with his mother about Neva eventually becoming the mother of her grandchildren, and that convinced him to propose marriage to her.
'I wish you would at least try to make an excuse about your marriage,' she confesses, tears beginning to form in her eyes. 'When you say nothing, everything is so obvious.'
'What do you really want to hear, Neva?' he wonders with a small, very testing smile. 'I don't understand. Should I say that Ceylin is the only risk that I have taken in my life, and I have no regrets about her?'
Yes, he won't deny it, she has a unique way of driving him insane, and nothing can hurt him more than when she walks away from him on bad terms, but even those things, he wouldn't give up. Most of all, even though he understands that standing next to her might lead him through doors that he wouldn't have opened on his own, he still has no regrets about her – he would rather walk troubled roads beside her than follow a calm path without her.
'I don't know about regrets,' she responds, 'but everyone is worried that she will lead you down the wrong path. Your aunt and your father don't understand your blind spot for her. Even my brother has his concerns - he knows how opposite you two are. Eren seems to be the only one who supports your marriage. Do you know that he calls her Queen?'
How can he not know it? Eren says the name with such affection that it's hard to miss, and Ceylin responds so lively to it as if it's her real name, so how can he not notice it?
'I never asked why he does,' he confesses, however.
It never concerned him to ask, to be honest. He stilled for a moment when he first heard it, wondering if between their private time, Ceylin had made a joke about being a queen and Eren easily adopted it, but he never went further than wondering about it. Eren is more like Ceylin than he will ever be, which is why he won't interfere in whatever understanding they have between them. He is only thankful that they get along well extremely well - he couldn't ask for anything more than his wife and his soul friend being as close as they are.
Like she deeply understands his inner reasoning, Neva nods and then says, 'For all the years that we have been friends, Eren never gave me a title. I'm hurt by that too, believe it or not. Ceylin is obviously a better person than I am, if she's won over both your endless dedication.'
'It's not about being better,' he tries to assure her with as much sincerity as he can manage, 'but I really don't know what you want to hear anymore, Neva. I understand your need to put things in place, so I'm doing my best not to ignore your feelings in this whole matter. It must be hard to put on a brave face and accept everything that's happening, but I really don't know what more you want from me. Everyone has been on my neck since the beginning, not understanding what Ceylin means to me. They keep telling me that I'm out of my senses and they treat me like I don't know my own pain, and then you come here asking questions about her...'
Questions whose answers are wholly personal and -
'You can't blame any of us for having these doubts,' she argues during his pause, not too harshly, but not quite gently either.
'I don't,' he agrees, 'but understand that I also don't have the resistance to explain Ceylin to you as my heart sees her. You have your feelings, and I'm not blind to them, believe me. I don't want to hurt them, but if you keep asking about her, then I won't hold back any of the truth anymore. I really don't think that's what you want to hear tonight.'
'I don't know,' she replies, briefly closing her eyes and pulling a face before looking into his eyes again to say, 'maybe you need to hurt my feelings so that I know my shortcomings and kill this love for you. I don't know,' she shrugs, 'maybe don't spare me, Ilgaz. Maybe tell me that you kiss her like you used to kiss me. Tell me how you treat her in bed like you used to treat me. Tell me that you hold her as tightly as you used to hold me. Maybe don't hold back and tell me that you care about her so deeply, that you are constantly thinking about her, how she is, what she is doing, worrying about her and wishing to protect her whenever she is. Tell me that you want her to have your children, Ilgaz. Tell me how you confide in her, making yourself vulnerable to her, and trust her with your life completely. Tell me everything, and don't leave anything out,' she seems to suggest. 'I mean, what more could hurt me? My brother won't look at me in the face, because of what I did for you, and then you flaunt your love for Ceylin all over the court, so what more could break my heart?'
'Don't do this, Neva,' he says, just then standing up. 'It's understandable that a person would seek a reason to attach their feelings to, but don't do this. You are upset and –'
'Am I supposed to be happy?' she laughs a little coldly, also getting on her feet. 'Ilgaz, all the love that you gave to me, you're now giving to someone else. I'm not being unreasonable by being upset, I think.'
'No, I can't say that you are,' he humbly accepts his part in her broken heart, his own heart empathising with her. 'I'm only saying that right now is not the time to speak with me about it.'
As if shot from a hot arrow, she suddenly pushes back in her chair and gets onto her feet to hotly accuse him with, 'How many times have I tried to talk to you now? I came here, because you avoid me at every opportunity. You keep dismissing me, Ilgaz.'
'You are right,' he meekly answers. 'You deserved a better explanation than what I gave you last time. Even though I understand why you came tonight, you need to know... Neva...' he hesitates, a little scared to say what he wants to say to her.
It's that up to this point, she's handled their separation with the utmost class. He couldn't have asked for a better result than the patience that Neva showed him, and it's precisely because of that, that he hates saying what he is about to.
'What, Ilgaz?' she lets out a little unamused laugh. 'What do I need to know? Tell me.'
'The love that you speak about...' he decides to say it, no matter how unpleasant it will be to hear. 'It's not the same.'
Immediately after, he takes a deep breath, feeling that he needs it for both of them.
For himself, he takes a breath, because what sort of decent man tells a woman that he cares about something like that, and so brutally at that? While true, that his love for Ceylin is different in depth and quantity, he wasn't supposed to mention it at all.
For her, he takes a breath, because surely, it goes unspoken that he loves Ceylin uniquely, otherwise he would be trying to work their engagement out. That Neva her closes her eyes and breathes out like everything in her hurts, is enough proof of that hard fact.
'Ah!' she breathes out at last, seemingly pained to digest such a truth, her eyes still closed and only adding a rueful smile to the look. 'Wow, I… Ilgaz, not even a little bit? All those years, and nothing?'
She opens her eyes, revealing them to have tears in them, but it's her expression that highlights her desperation to him. It's through this that he decides that telling her the whole truth might be better for her in the long run than not. If she's still holding onto some little hope that soon, he will leave Ceylin, now is the time to extinguish that hope of hers.
'Believe me, if it was, I wouldn't have left what we had,' he tells her honestly. 'This is unpleasant for me. Please don't make me tell you things that will make you uncomfortable. I ask that you please go home, Neva, because neither of us are in the right space to have this discussion tonight. I am particularly sensitive to anything related to Ceylin, and the more that you poke, the more upset that you will be, because I won't be able to hold back.'
Although he can respect her heartfelt confrontation, there's only so much of it that he can stomach before he explodes as well. It's the hardest thing to be forcefully separated from her. Twice already, he's lived through the pain of losing her twice already, he doesn't want to feel that pain ever again. That being so, he doesn't want to hold himself back anymore. If Neva is his family's chosen last resort at an appeal, then he wants her to know that he hasn't lost his mind, that he knows very well what he's doing and who exactly he loves, and that he will do everything within his power to bring her back home.
'I didn't come to argue with you, Ilgaz,' Neva lets him know after the short silence. 'I know that you chose her. I'm... I thought... I only... It's hard giving up the best love that I ever had, you know. I don't know how I'll do it,' she says, sounding distressed and sorry. 'It's funny, even as you pour out your heart for Ceylin, everything in me still wants to take your pain away and comfort you. What sort of love is this, Ilgaz?'
'I ask myself this too,' he answers. 'Everything that I thought that I knew about love is nothing compared to now. I'm sorry that we couldn't be as you hoped for us, but we wouldn't have succeeded in the end.'
Shrugging, looking defeated, she says, 'Well, at least I got my answer. You've always been honest.'
'Neva –'
'Ilgaz!' she cuts him off with, holding up her hand in stopping motion as well. 'I think that you've said enough. And I think that I've heard enough. There's nothing more for me here, so I will say goodnight. Excuse me, please.'
With that, she quickly gathers herself in a seemingly agonising motion, rushes away from the table, then the kitchen, and soon, he hears the door opening and closing a moment later before he can come to his senses enough to realise what he just did to her. By the time that he fully comes to himself, at least two minutes have already passed, and even if he were up to going after her to offer her one more sincere apology, he's not sure that he will find her still going down his stairs.
Uff, he was too harsh with her, she didn't deserve it as openly as he gave it to her, but, like she said, at least she got the honest answer. He is sorry that he didn't do a good job of keeping his emotions in check while speaking to her, however, he will never apologise for feeling as he does about Ceylin. If he manages to succeed with getting Ceylin released tomorrow, then he will make it a point to see Neva and beg her pardon for the way that he treated her.
26Chapters
To tell the truth, his mood was considerably better when he woke up in the morning than how it became when he reached the court.
From home, he'd had a lot of hope and expectation about Ceylin's case, only to arrive inside the court and find out that Neva would be the one to listen to his case. He didn't show it to the secretary when she invited him inside, but the surprise was there, all over him. As he stood up, his feet beginning to move towards Neva's door, his surprise changed into a fear that completely consumed the optimistic feeling that he'd come here with.
Before stepping into Neva's office, he tried to smother his fear, consoling himself with the fact that Neva was a just and fair person, and that there was nothing to fear, but remembering last night, he contemplated that there was indeed something to fear. In short, he didn't get rid of the fear, instead, he walked in with it like a cloud hanging over his head. If she wanted and chose to behave like her brother, then it would only be his fault.
Between his rational mind, his emotional heart, and his feet leading him closer to Neva's table, his morale significantly dropped out of place. Nonetheless, for Ceylin's release, he walked onwards, choosing to focus on the fact that Neva had a good heart. Of course, her good heart clearly still had a lot of love for him and could easily use that love for bad against the woman who now has his love, but he hoped that she wouldn't do it.
And so, he took a light breath, looked Neva right in the eyes, and asked her to listen to his case. She did, thankfully. After nodding and motioning for him to have a seat, she gave him the floor to speak, and so he did, using his most convincing tone to present his argument for Ceylin's release. It took everything that he had in him not to be deterred by her silence, her eyes on him, and last night's conversation hanging between them, but he wasn't.
For Ceylin's sake, he knew not to show any signs of fear and weakness, in the case that it was used against their case as leverage.
It turned out well. Both his composure and his initial judgement of Neva turned out to be right. Neva listened to his points and from those, made her decision – the right decision. He turned out to be right about Neva's character, and so here he is, next to his wife, contentedly driving her away from prison.
There is a thing, however. It's not a big thing, but it's not a small thing either. It's an in-between thing, not that difficult and quite solvable, only, how exactly does he bring it up when they haven't said a word to each other yet? Firstly, there's no doubt about the fact that they're both happy to have her free again and that they will be happy about it for days to come. It's only that one thing about her freedom that they need to figure out now, but he doesn't want to bring it up in a way that sounds demanding on her. The last thing that he wants to do is make her feel as though she has to make him plan, except, he'd like to hear how it will be with them from now onwards.
Having declared his love for her, can he expect that she will want to sleep next to him too? Will she accept living with him and allowing him to take care of her as he so badly wants to do? At least before they reach their first destination, he wants to have even a little hint about it, and for that reason, he takes his eyes off the road to look at her. He says nothing at first, he only watches her until she feels his eyes on her and faces him.
'What?' she asks with a curious smile.
'Nothing,' he replies, just then turning his eyes back to the road for their own safety. 'I'm taking you to your mother. I promised her that I would, so I hope that you don't mind.'
She's likely to still be sensitive to the fact that her parents threw her out of the house, after all. Surprisingly, though, she only frowns a little bit before seemingly getting over whatever she's thinking.
'Okay,' quietly leaves her mouth, and more than it should, it bothers him not to understand what's going on inside her head.
'Would you rather that I took you to the office?' he wonders, even though he hopes that she will choose her sofa in his house instead.
'The office?' she heartily laughs. 'No, it's fine, you can take me to my family, but only if you'll stay with me.'
Caught off guard by that, he quickly turns to her, asking a surprised, 'You want me to?' because his mind hasn't caught up with the implication behind that yet.
At best, he would've thought that she would choose the office and ask him to stay until she fell asleep again. He wasn't prepared to have an offer to stay with her at her parents' home.
'You can't sleep over, of course,' she answers, laughing and leaning her head on the seat. 'Mom will have a heart attack for sure if you do. She heard in court that we're married, but my mom can be too much about things like this. Trust me, I know. I've been on the receiving end of her berating since I was able to answer her back.'
Hmm, he thinks with a fond smile, it's not so hard to imagine a little Ceylin already arguing with her mother.
'That will be a fun conversation when she feels like having it,' she continues to speak. 'Uff, I don't want to think about that just yet, so before that, my dear husband, you can't sleep over. I still want you to stay for a little bit, though. You do realise that before prison, I spent almost all of my time with you?'
And what should he think now that he's heard that? His heart obviously wants to believe what it's interpreting, but maybe he shouldn't jump to any conclusion just yet?
'Hmm, should I take that to mean that you missed me?' he tests, only half joking about it.
Truthfully, he would gladly give her space and time with her family, but if it's up to him whose company she will be around, he'll choose his over her family's. What's more, he doesn't necessarily want to spend time with her around her family, when she's freshly from prison. Instead, he wishes that they could get dinner together first, spending an evening like the one they had before the thing with Engin happened, but unfortunately, her comfort and happiness is more important than what he wants.
'As if Eren didn't tell you,' she replies, pulling an unimpressed face at him as if to say that he should try better than that.
'Tell me what?'
Eren didn't tell him anything about her, most of all that she apparently missed him.
'I can't believe it,' she frowns, 'he tells you everything. I find it hard to believe that he didn't mention how I missed you when you didn't come yesterday. I was a little disappointed that Eren came and not you. I love him, of course, but I was expecting you.'
And she says that so normally, he notes. Just like she confessed to falling in love with him so casually as if it wouldn't be like a bomb upon his heart. How does she manage to catch him off guard simply with who she is all the time?
'What's this, Mr. Prosecutor?' she shows him one of her more teasing smiles. 'Are you still going to deny that your friend didn't tell you? It's okay if you want to hear it from me that I missed you, just say so.'
Again, no response leaves him. He is too occupied with being heart warmed and falling deeper for her than he is willing to form words of response. Rather, so as not to offend her with his silence, he reaches for her hand and because he's already gotten the freedom to kiss her forehead, he easily lifts her hand to his mouth and kisses it.
'Okay, fine, if you really want to hear it, I will say it; I missed you, Ilgaz. I wished you had come instead of Eren,' she concedes, her smile never leaving.
'You are here now,' he finally finds his voice, also setting her hand down. 'From now on, you will see me as much as you want,' he promises. 'We can go out and have fish again, if you want. As long as you're not in there, I am at peace with whatever you choose. You can stay with your family or at the office, and if you want me there, I promise to be there.'
She nods, apparently accepting his offer and then tells him, 'It's so wonderful to be outside again. I'm so relieved. Uff, I can't wait to take a proper shower without being surrounded by people. And I'm hungry. I can't wait to eat my mother's food again. Thank you for everything, Ilgaz,' she softly ends with, her tone very appreciative. 'I don't know how I would've made it inside there without you.'
As touched as he is by her appreciation, he only manages to smile at first, because even he doesn't know how he would've survived another day with her in that place. He hated the thought of her caged in by boring rules and regulations, and unable to be herself to the fullest. He also hated the fact that she didn't feel worthy enough to be fought for, as if she was guilty. Now that she is out, he swears that he will make it his purpose to prove her innocence and love her while he does.
'So then what do you say, dear Prosecutor,' she speaks when he doesn't respond to her, showing him a tiny smile. 'Will you stay with me and my family for a while?'
'Of course,' he coarsely replies, not allowing even a breath to pass between them this time.
Of course, he would do almost any and everything for her if she asked him to right now. He is that thankful and happy that she is with him again.
26Chapters
The first time that he ever felt like his stomach was falling out of place, he had just seen the most beautiful in his life. Her face was like what he thought angels looked like, and her hair… Her hair was so long and flowy down her face and past her shoulders… She had these beautiful deep brown eyes, and when she smiled at someone on his left, he felt like it was the best thing to be alive. He remembers looking at her all day, wanting to know her and understand everything about her.
After that first time, he never specifically felt like that until Ceylin walked into his office, asking, 'Are you free, dear Prosecutor?' with a polite smile on her face. Seeing her for the first time ever in his life, he froze for longer than he would've liked. In that moment, he felt an intense heat come over him as his stomach simultaneously fell out of place. Before he could even give her an answer, he already understood that she was like no one that he had ever seen in his life.
And so began the continuous phenomenon of a jittery stomach.
The latest case, he is still recovering from, even two hours later. Not to mention that he still can't get himself to fall asleep – the sin that it will be to fall asleep while she is in his arms, laying her head on his chest and owning all of him completely. He's never felt such love and peace in his life before than having his beloved woman in bed with him. That she came to his door is still an amazing thing to him. What made her do it? Not that he is complaining about it, he only wants to understand what made the difference for her between hugging him goodbye and spending thirty minutes on her own. Understanding that, he plans only to file it in his brain and never forget it. The thing is, he wants to know everything there is to know about her.
For example, is she sleeping soundly, with no interruption, no discomfort and no regret? Is she happy – like him? Is she already dreaming, and if she is, is she dreaming about doing this again – like him? Is she feeling safe next to him – like he feels protective of her? He still can't believe that she's with him, and he swears that in his entire life, nothing, absolutely nothing has made him happier than opening the door to her unexpected appearance. He'd wanted to scoop her up and pull her into him so badly, but he somehow restrained himself – just barely, he should say. And when it turned out that no, she didn't want to sleep on her sofa, she wanted to sleep next to him, all of his stars aligned.
His stars haven't moved from their place since then.
Instead, they are remaining in perfect synch, allowing him the freedom to inhale her unique scent as he holds her close, feeling her light breathing on his chest, and knowing that apparently, she always felt at home and peace here, with him.
26Chapters
In equal parts, he is saddened and upset by her reaction.
What does it mean that she feels burdened by him and his decision?
Of everyone, he expected that she would take a moment and really understand him. Just last night, she was thanking him for staying by her side through everything. What changed that instead of asking him about his reason, she immediately got upset with him? She so quickly did as everyone else did and felt an intense emotion about his decision to stop being a prosecutor, when she should've understood how it isn't so strange that he did. He watched and listened as that intense emotion turned into incomprehension and then reproach, and all the time, he was too stunned to react. Even as she angrily walked away from him, he couldn't get himself to react or to stop her from leaving, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt.
It still hurts, he won't lie about that.
He's sad and upset, a little bit more disappointed than those two, but more than anything else, it hurts him that she chose to react that way instead of understanding him. It wasn't that long ago that she was in a similar position with her family, doing something that seemed like the worst betrayal for her dead sister, so she can't have forgotten what it's like to be mistakenly judged. He wishes that she would remember that feeling, and come back to him, to listen to his full explanation for a better understanding. Or is he wrong to want a little understanding from her? Of course, he understands her feelings of being a burden to him, but why can't she see that he only wants to protect her and be by her side through everything?
Uff, his everything hurts.
On the one hand, he perfectly understands why she doesn't want him throwing away his profession just like that, but because he knows that he is doing it with a sober mind and with no hint of regret, his soul hurts. He clearly remembers how everyone conspired against him, making it impossible for him to help her from the prosecutor's office, so what should he have been expected to do, look at other, foreign cases while his wife suffered alone? As if she doesn't carry his name, falling under his responsibility to protect? More than that, they just came from the crime scene – it's only due to the fact that he is no longer a prosecutor that he was able to take her there. Just what doesn't she understand about him? Doesn't she realise by now that he would bring down the whole world for if it means that she will be free and declared innocent?
He didn't even know that he was capable of disregarding rules and feeling so strongly about something until they tried to take her away from him. In a night, he became a wild lion, ready to devour any and everything that threatened his lioness, and that included every single police officer who was simply doing their job. But now that he has his lioness, she feels burdened by his devotion, as if she's not worthy of it and much more. This is the same woman who cried from her soul when he confessed his love for her, so why can't she believe that with his love comes such dedication?
What should he do now?
He is in equal parts saddened by and angry with this whole thing; without her support, all of it feels empty and meaningless.
26Chapters
How quickly everything changes; just one night with her in bed with him, and he swears that he is already used to it, addicted to it even. So addicted to it, that coming home by himself, he would rather go to Eren and spend all night there instead. It's clearer now than ever that he can't lose that woman, no matter what.
He feels defeated even just looking at this house. This house used to be enough for him at one point. He used to open the door and be glad to be in here, but then one night, he saw her sleeping on his sofa and everything changed. Looking around it now, he only wonders how he will bear it without her.
At least three hours have passed since she angrily stormed away from him, and that he has done since is reach for his phone to call her. He can't call her, of course, not until she's calmed down enough, and three hours are definitely not enough. The fire that had been in her eyes when she scolded him, wouldn't have died down in three hours.
To be honest, he hadn't considered that she would feel so strongly about him leaving his job. For how quickly she accepted to marry him, it didn't seem plausible that she would take offence to him leaving his office. But then again, she's Ceylin - he should've expected anything from her, just like he shouldn't have underestimated how much she values his profession for him.
One thing is for sure, though, and that is no matter what, he will not allow something as replaceable as a job to separate him from her. His love for her is irreplaceable, unlike other things in his life, which is why he can't allow them to be on bad terms. He'll give her a few more hours, and then only he'll see her.
He doubts that she will come back home with him, but if he can come back with the knowledge that she's at least willing to give him the chance to do what he believes is right, he might sleep better tonight.