"I need to win this year."
Metro Man looks up from his coffee, blinking at his girlfriend of four years. She's stirring sugar into her own drink and looks very matter-of-fact.
"Uh," he says. This came out of left field. "What?"
"I need to win this year," Roxanne says again, looking up at him and smiling a pleasant smile that doesn't reach her eyes. "The auction. The Valentine's Day date auction. I need to win."
This does not clear up any of Wayne's confusion. Slowly, he sits back in his chair. "Yeah, I kinda gathered that's what you meant," he says. "Why? We can go on a date any—"
"Not with you."
Wayne's attention sharpens.
"Oh," he says.
For the past few years, Metro City has hosted a Valentine's Day charity auction at which members of the public bid for a date that evening with either the city's superhero or supervillain. It's a pain in the ass for both of them, for various reasons, but Wayne doesn't usually mind too much. It's for a good cause. And since he and Roxie started 'dating,' his Valentine's dates have mostly kept their hands to themselves.
Megamind does very much mind, Wayne knows, but one of the terms of his license as solo supervillain in Metro is mandatory participation in local "sponsored community support events," the same as Wayne's hero license. So he's stuck, too.
This is the first time Roxanne has made any indication of intending to enter the bidding. Wayne knows for a fact that she doesn't have the money for it; this is an auction, not a raffle drawing. The people who win are high rollers. And it isn't private, not even a little. The whole event is a spectacle, streamed live with the bidders in front of webcams that turn on when their bids hit twenty-five thousand to keep the suspense up and the lag down; early bids are numerous.
"You have questions," Roxanne says, calm but looking very determined. "I get it. Go ahead."
"Yeah, uh, I'll take 'why?' for five hundred, Alec."
She snorts, then sighs. "Figured you'd start there. It's…a bunch of reasons. You know how much I hate that they make you guys do this."
Wayne nods. Roxanne has mentioned to him before that she thinks it's horrible, the way he and his nemesis are forced into this every year. He's told her he's fine with it, but she only ever seems marginally satisfied by his reassurance. He's been wondering for a while now if her primary concern isn't…elsewhere.
"I think it's disgusting," she says, very frankly. "You know this. It's fine for you—you're in the public eye all the time, everyone loves you, you're everybody's best friend. But…it's…different for him." Neither of them needs to clarify who he is. "He's so private, Wayne. Dragging him out, making him plan some nonsense public date…it's horrendous."
"Right, yeah, you've said," Wayne says. "You don't have to justify yourself to me, I'm just…why now? Why this year?"
Roxanne's lips thin and her expression darkens.
Wayne frowns.
Slowly, he asks, "What happened?"
"I don't know." She takes a drink of her coffee and frowns down at the swirling liquid, shakes her head a little. "I don't…have details. I haven't asked; it's not my place. It is really, truly none of my business. But."
That sounds ominous. Roxanne doesn't typically leave questions unanswered; she's a lot like Megamind that way.
"What do you think happened?"
She looks away, out the window at the crowded street outside. "I really don't want to even speculate. He's always…off, this time of year. In the winter. Which, fine, plenty of people are," she adds, and Wayne nods, "but he was exceptionally weird after last year's Valentine's Date. I mean…really exceptionally weird. Jumpy, wouldn't look at me, wouldn't laugh. Barely even looked at Minion."
"He seemed fine to me," Wayne says, puzzled.
"He's good at seeming, you know that." She wrinkles her nose at him. "I'm talking about before the cameras came on. He was weird like that for the next three or four months. And now he's acting weird again." She shakes her head. "He's scared. I don't know, I don't know what…everything went fine on the date, Larissa said."
"Right, you interviewed her recently." He doesn't mention the tone that hit when Roxanne dropped last year's winner's name, but he notices it. Something about this isn't sitting right.
"Yeah, she said they had a really nice time." She bites her lip. "But something happened. I don't know what, but it was bad. And I just…"
She trails off. Swallows.
"I just want him to have a good night, this year," she finally says, trying to smile as she drags her gaze back to him. Wayne doesn't smile back; he's too worried and he's thinking too hard, trying to remember his various interactions with the little guy over the past year. Was something wrong? Did he miss something? What did he miss? Was Megamind hurt?
Roxanne is still talking. "And yeah, he won't have a choice this time either, but…at least he knows me. That's got to count for something, right? It has be a little better."
Wayne yanks himself back to the present and forces himself to focus. Because whatever happened, whatever he missed…he can't do anything about that. But this, now, here, today? This is an opportunity. A big one, too: it isn't knocking, it's blowing vuvuzelas and kicking down his door.
"There's something you're not telling me," he says, leaning forward and tilting his head. "Seriously, what's up? If I'm gonna help with this, I gotta know the story."
Roxanne looks at him.
"C'mon, Roxie. What am I gonna say, no?"
She wets her lips, looks away.
"Larissa and I went to school together," she says, eventually. "I know her. We were roommates for a semester."
"You don't like her."
"You don't have to be a genius to figure that one out." Roxanne's lip curls. "She's a snake. That's all I'm saying, I don't have proof of anything, I don't have anything except…worries, and prior knowledge, and some…personal effects."
Wayne recoils. "Wait, what? You stole something?"
"Oh, shut up," she snaps. "It was necessary. Listen, the point is—I do not know what happened last year, but something did, and knowing Larissa, it wasn't good. And I just…I can't…" She trails off and bites her lip again, scowling out the window of the coffeeshop. "She's going to try again, Wayne," she says finally. "I made damn sure to get what I needed, and she's not the type to keep more backups than she thinks is necessary. So."
He sighs. He may keep to the straight and narrow, but he isn't stupid; he can read between those lines. "She was blackmailing him."
Roxanne shrugs. Sips her latte.
"And you stole her blackmail, and he doesn't know, and she knows he doesn't know, and she's going to try to get more. Yes?"
His girlfriend looks at him for a second, then narrows her eyes and broadens her inflection. "You know, this becomes a liability if you say it all out loud in public, Metro Moron."
He snorts. "It's a shame you aren't a tenor, 'cause that impression is spot-on."
"It should be, I spend enough time around him." She sighs. "Anyway. Please say you'll help?"
"Of course I will." He doesn't even have to think about it. "How much do you need?"
"I can't pay you back," she warns, and he makes a noise like pffbpbpbt and waves a massive hand.
"It's a gift. Least I can do for four good years of your time." A thought occurs, and he grins. "Actually, tell you what—come on down to First National at…say, three tomorrow afternoon, yeah? Bring your passport and your social security card. We'll sign some papers," he feels his smile widen; Roxanne is lifting her drink to her mouth, "and I'll just go ahead and make you a signer on my checking account."
Roxanne chokes and splutters coffee down her front. "Agh, fuck! God—yeah, thanks, napkins—jesus, Wayne, warn a girl before you say something like that!" She stares at him, blotting at her chest with paper napkins. "Are you serious? Like…you're giving me direct access to your cash?"
"Yeah! We'll switch it over to joint checking." He shrugs, struggling not to laugh at her expression. "What are you going to do, buy six solid gold yachts? C'mon. And my banker won't think anything's weird about it; he'll probably just think we're getting engaged soon."
"Okay, four years…okay, that's fair. Still, that's a lot," she adds, sounding rueful but broadcasting Relief with her whole face. "You don't have to go that far."
"Nah," he says again. "I want to. It's safest, anyway. I remember last year she won with some kinda crazy inheritance, right? Better if you don't have limits. Run her up past two million if you gotta, give the tabloids something to chew on. Like I give a rat's patoot."
"Wayne, I love you," Roxanne says, fervent. Wayne chuckles.
"Love you too. Hey, also, uh." He takes a deep breath and makes a decision. Roxie's trusting him with a sneaky plan, right? He can trust her. She's probably the only person on earth he does trust. "Hey, uh, I'm real glad you weren't talking about winning a date with me, because…um." He grimace-smiles, shrugs hard, and Roxanne's eyes go wide and her jaw drops.
She grabs his hand, eyes alight with secondhand excitement. "No way! Wayne, oh my god! What's his name?"
"Adam. Uh."
"Oh my god, you're blushing, I don't believe it!" She squeezes. "How long? When?"
Laughing, rubbing the back of his neck with his free hand, Wayne admits, "Like…six months?"
Roxanne makes a face of total excitement. "What? Congrats!"
"Yeah. Heh." He swallows, feeling his ears burn. "Yeah, and I just…I really just wanna take him on a date. A real one, you know? A night out. Nice dinner, go bowling or something. Without hiding."
His girlfriend's eyes are shining. "Wayne," she says, in a tone of absolute sincerity, "I am so proud of you. I had no idea!" Suddenly she gasps and grips his hand. "Oh. Oh, idea."
He lifts his eyebrows; Roxanne typically has good ideas. "Yeah?"
She grins, wide and white and excited. It's an expression Wayne usually sees on his tiny nemesis, but he isn't about to point that out to Roxanne.
"What do you think about a heist?"
He squints at her. "A heist."
She bobs her head hard. "Yes. Let's…what if we make this big? This is how you come out! The beginning! As far as anybody knows, this is how you meet your boyfriend! He buys a date with you, you hit it off…whirlwind romance, love at first sight!"
Wayne shakes his head. "It won't work. They'll be tracing the money—I'm having to run it through two of my dad's shell companies in the Caymans anyway—"
"Not if it comes from me!"
He pauses. "Sorry?"
"Listen." She drops her voice, leaning across the table and seizing his hand in both of hers, now. "You and I will go to the bank tomorrow, like you said. Word will get around that we're extra-serious. I'll find some reason to interview your boy. He and I will hit it off, publicly. We'll do a couple outings, public appearances; we'll make sure there's a trail of him and me making friends—I'll invite him to some work function instead of you, and the tabloids will go off about it. And then he wins your date with money I wire him from your—our—account."
Wayne feels his jaw drop as excitement rises in his chest. "You'll set us up together," he whisper-exclaims, and Roxanne nods hard, her whole face alight with the same wild excitement he's feeling. Wayne is already nodding back. "You'll set us up! You met this guy, vetted him, you know he's great, you know we'll hit it off—going to the bank freaked you out! You don't want to get engaged to me—oh! Oh hey! This way we can even tell people you knew I was gay this whole time!"
"Exactly!" She beams at him and Wayne beams back, a feeling like freedom or floating in his mouth and throat. "Exactly, yeah! Yes? Is this good? And then," she continues, "I'll win your arch-fucking-nemesis, again with your money," she lets go of him to spread her hands in front of her shoulders, palm-up, "pretending to build a scandal, right? Give you a reason to break up with me if you want one—"
"—except it backfires," Wayne finishes, "because I fall hard for this dude and I don't even need the reason!"
"Yes!"
Wayne sits back in his seat, giddy. "You," he says, "are an evil genius."
Roxanne sits back, too, cheeks pink and eyes gleaming as she fans herself. "I know," she says happily. "Whoo! Feel like I need a cigarette. So you're in? Yes?"
"Absolutely. I am in. I am so in. And Adam will love the whole idea, he'll think it's hilarious. And," he adds, feeling bold, "I am funding your outfit. We're going to my tailor and we are gonna rock the little guy's world. Okay?"
Roxanne eyes him suspiciously, still grinning. "You have a plan, too, don't you."
"Yep," he says, popping the P and grinning right back, feeling rather evil himself. His ship. is. coming. in.
He is not pointing this out to Roxanne either, though; Adam would tell him not to count his sailors before they've disembarked, and he would be right.
"Well, whatever, I'm not complaining. Now, help me think of some reason for me to interview your boy…"
Wayne's afternoons at his tailor's are some of his only afternoons off, and some of his favorites, especially because Roxanne hates shopping and Wayne loves playing dress-up and always has. One of the best parts of superheroing: costumes! Costumes, as far as the eye can see! Not all of them have been hits with the public (Wayne has fond memories of a pair of gold hotpants that made Megamind laugh so hard he got hiccups as soon as he saw Metro Man; that was an easy capture), but they've all been such fun.
And Roxanne's reactions are just the best. Wayne texted James a couple of ideas the week prior, and he has come through with a vengeance as he always does.
"I look ridiculous," Roxanne says, turning slowly in front of the floor-length tri-fold mirror. "I am not Audrey Hepburn and my hips do not need the help. You've gotta be kidding me—oh?"
"Gotta wear it with the jacket," Wayne says, helping her on with it. It's cut just a little above her narrow waist. "Here. I studded it myself. What do you think?"
"Oh," Roxanne says, turning this way and that in the mirror. "Oh, that really does fix it. God, look at my waist, I am not this small."
"You are," he says. "Listen, the skirt makes your hips look amazing, and the jacket highlights everything, so hush. He's an ass man, you know he is. Oh! And! Thanks, James." He takes the velveteen box from the man and turns to Roxanne. "Eh?"
Her mouth falls open. "You can't be serious."
"Oh I am dead serious," he returns, grinning. The peridot pendant in the necklace is somewhere in the vicinity of twenty carats, and the ones in the chain from which the pear-shaped gem hangs are interspersed with dazzling moissanites. The accompanying earrings are comparatively simple, a pair of studs with pear-shaped drops on delicate silver chains.
"What if I break it?"
"It's your problem? Seriously, Roxie, this stuff isn't on loan or anything. You deserve nice things."
Roxanne sends Wayne an exasperated look but sighs and runs her fingertips over the stones. He seizes his lip between his teeth and wiggles his eyebrows at her, pushes the open box gently at her, teasing.
"I guess I could try it on…"
"That's my girl. Here." He lifts it from its case as she turns to face the mirror, and he clasps it around her neck and then floats up a little and beams at her. "You look amazing."
She laughs a little, catches his eye in the mirror. "Not sure this look is very you, my love. People will talk." Wayne just sends her another shit-eating grin with wiggly eyebrows, and she sighs and returns her attention to her outfit: classic pencil dress with a mermaid ruffle at the hem, peplums on the skirt to emphasize her waist and hips, cropped leather jacket with shining spikes, flashy statement necklace the exact color of Megamind's eyes…
"People will talk," she murmurs again, unable to fully hide her little grin, and Wayne makes a face like :D and kisses the top of her head.