The Family Guy Family, also known as the Griffin Family, were… Well I'll be damned, an actual Family Guy chapter in this Family Guy story. How about that?
The Family Guy Family were happily sitting together in their living room while enjoying a funny and heartwarming episode of Camp Auschwitz Lazlo. Well, Peter was the only one watching it.
Meg had already been justifiably killed since Peter knew she was a Lazlo hater.
Lois was crying in the corner after Peter gave her a justified black eye, due to her not laughing at a funny joke in the show.
Chirs was outside, disposing of Meg's dead body in the front yard for everyone to see.
Brian the Dog with Seth Macfarlane's voice was… Well, you'll see soon.
And Stewie was upstairs in his bedroom, talking with Rick about the Seth MacFarlane cult.
This particular episode of Camp Auschwitz Lazlo was a bit different from the others. How you may ask?! Well, it was a special crossover episode featuring The Gorillaz! But that's not all! It was also a Government-funded educational episode!
"Alright black kids at home, listen up!" Murdoc ordered while lighting up a crack pipe. "After your pipe is nice and hot, you'll then-"
Noodle suddenly ran by while laughing, and swiped the crack pipe from him. Blackface 2D followed closely behind with the intent to smoke. Murdoc's kid-friendly persona dropped like a crack rock, as he watched the two smoke his demonstration crack.
"GOD FUCKING DAMMIT 2D!" Murdoc crackhead raged while stomping towards the two. "CONTROL YOUR LITTLE BITCH CHINK GIRLFRIEND BEFORE I COME OVER THERE AND ASS-RAPE BOTH OF YOU!"
As Murdoc was getting closer to them, he felt a hand grab his shoulder from behind. Normally the green man would turn around and punch whoever dared to touch him during one of his frenzies. This time, however, he managed to calm himself down once he saw it was Göring Slinkman.
"Now Murdoc, we talked about your offensive language." Göring Slinkman scolded. "'Chink' is a racially motivated slur that only refers to CHINESE people… And Noodle is Japanese."
Murdoc let out a sad sigh. Shame and embarrassment were now all he could feel.
"You're right I'm sorry… I should be more respectful of people's ethnicities…"
Peter couldn't help but let out a heartfelt "awwww" at the sight of such a heartwarming scene. "Wow, I never thought such a funny show could-"
Peter's happy moment was interrupted by Chris slamming the front door open. He looked scared, but more importantly, disturbed.
"D-DAD!" Chris screamed. "Quagmire is trying to bang Meg's body!"
"WHAT?!" Peter yelled while standing up. "Dammit, what makes him think it's ok to have sex with my daughter!?"
Peter rushed outside, shoving Chris out of his way. Oh, and he also kicked Chris a few times for good measure.
To the shock of not Peter, because he was already informed of the current situation, Quagmire was stripping the clothes off of Meg's dead body. He was also quite naked and… Quite naked? How the fuck is someone "quite naked"? You're either naked or not naked…
Quagmire WAS NAKED and clearly getting hard just thinking about ravaging Peter's daughter.
"Giggity giggity giggity GOOO!"
Hearing this, Peter knew it was time to defend the honor of his dead daughter. Like any good father would do.
"You sick bastard!" Peter called out while ripping his shirt off to establish dad dominance. "No one fucks my daughter!"
Quagmire tried to come up with a 200 IQ argument as to why him having sex with Meg's dead body would benefit the environment, but Peter was too much of an alt-right conservative to hear him out. So obviously violence was the only course of action the selfish father saw as justified. And by violence, I mean… Actually, you know what, we need a Cutaway Gag first. Not right at this moment, but very soon.
Chris recovered too late to have witnessed Quagmire being dragged into their living room. However, he did recover just in time to witness the horrific punishment Peter had begun administering.
"D-Dad wh-wh-what are you doing?!"
"Dammit Chris, now's not the time to randomly have morals! I know what type of weird pedo shit you've been up to!" Peter began chastising while… Doing "stuff" to Quagmire, who was tied to a table. "Now get over here and help me!"
"AHHHHHHHH! OHH GOD AAAAAHHHH!" Quagmire cried out in Hellish agony.
Hearing that pervert cry out like that made Chris laugh. Only a little though, since he was still pretending to have morals.
"Ah hahahaha! He's screaming louder than-"
"See? You're fucking laughing!" Peter interrupted. "Now get over here and help me! Lois is still crying, and Brian has been missing for 5 days, so you're the only one I can count on!"
"...*sigh* fine dad! But can I at least finish setting up the cutaway gag?"
"Sure, whatever! Just hurry up already! This sick fuck wanted to bang your sister!"
"GGHAAAAAHHHHAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH PLEASE STOOOOOPPPPP!" Quagmire cried out, sounding like his vocal cords were covered in fresh blisters.
Chris knew it wasn't wise to keep his father waiting any longer. Not just out of fear of ending up like Quagmire, but also because he was low-key excited to inflict some horrific pain on the man who so shamelessly tried to bang his sister.
"Alright, here I go… *clears throat* He's screaming louder than John Cena when his Meth Lab blew up!"
CUTAWAY GAG
Monday Night Raw was going strong that night, and the crowd showed their hype for the next big match… JOHN CENA, THE EDGE, RANDY ORTON, THE UNDERTAKER, AND DX IN AN ELLIMINATION CHAMBERS MATCH!"
Everyone had been cheering louder than ever before after The other various wrestlers had made their entrances, and soon they'd be screaming their mouths off for John Cena when he came running out. Fortunately for them, they wouldn't have to wait much longer!
The beginning of John Cena's theme began playing, as the lights dimmed. The crowd began chanting "CENA! CENA! CENA! CENA!" in anticipation of their favorite wrestler. At any second, he'd come rushing out to bring RAW's hype to new levels never before seen.
…Except, he never came running out, even when his song signified that he should. Everyone was confused, especially the other wrestlers, and ESPECIALLY the announcers. Jerry the King in particular wanted to know what was going on.
"Something isn't right here! We need a camera backstage right now to get to the bottom of this!"
As requested, a cameraman ran backstage to see if he could find out where John Cena was. Little did he, or anyone for that matter know, their big-name hero had found himself in the most unusual of circumstances. And if what was happening wasn't blatantly apparent enough, Vince McMahon was there to spell it out for everyone.
"God Dammit Cena, stop making Meth and go out to the ring NOW!"
John Cena appeared to be completely tweaked on Meth and sleep deprived while making Meth in a poorly built Meth Lab. Oh, and he was also completely naked.
"Shut up Vince! You can't see me, just like I can't see my bank account after the divorce! So I need some quick cash!"
John Cena attempted to pour some drain cleaner into a measuring cup, but Vince smacked it away. It was evident that neither of them knew they were being recorded.
"Are you fucking insane? Doing this in a public place during work hours?!"
"I-I-I'll split the money with you! Please Vince, If I can't make enough money by the end of the month, my time is up, and the IRS's time is now!"
Vince looked about ready to call security but then glanced over to see the camera guy recording them. The crowd and other wrestlers at this point were dead silent, but couldn't help but continue watching in anticipation of how things would play out.
"Ehhh dammit!" Vince yelled, turning back towards John Cena. "Now everyone knows you're making Meth!"
"NOOOO! NOOOOOOO!" John Cena screamed, flying into a Meth tantrum while flipping one of the Meth Lab tables. "THEY CAN'T SEE ME! NO ONE CAN SEE ME MAKING METH!"
John Cena then attempted to charge at the camera guy. However, he wouldn't get far as a fire broke out the moment he flipped that table. Vince and the man recording everything obviously ran away, with the man dropping the camera in his panic.
John Cena smiled and assumed they were running from him… Only for the fire to quickly spread towards him.
"Whaaaa?! Fuck you fire! You can't see me! You can't see-" The 'lab' then blew up, and engulfed him in the fire. "AHHHHHAAAAAHHHHHH!"
If shit hadn't already hit the fan, then it sure as hell did once the fire spread all throughout the building. Crowds of fans and wrestlers alike were thrown into a collective panic while trying to escape the suddenly engulfed building. However, what made things EVEN WORSE was burning John Cena tackling people out of the way in order to save himself. If it wasn't for him doing that, then the body count would have likely been much lower.
END OF CUTAWAY GAG
About an hour had gone by, and the relentless torture of Quagmire had yet to end. If anything, Peter and Chris showed no signs of slowing down anytime soon. You'd think they'd have gotten sick of listening to his cries of anguish, but their pursuit of vengeance numbed their empathy to psychopathic levels.
There is, however, one thing that Quagmire's endless screaming had accomplished. And that would be getting the attention of Rick, who could no longer ignore what was happening downstairs.
"Wh-What the *burp* fuck is going on down here?!" Rick yelled while stomping downstairs. "I know this whole town is full of weird fucks, but this is-"
Whatever anger or annoyance Rick had felt was swiftly swapped out with some good old-fashioned primitive horror, as he finally got to see what terrible things Peter and Chris had been subjecting Quagmire to.
"OH GOD HELP ME! HELP ME SCIENTIST GUY!" Quagmire begged, his red tear-filled eyes looking right at Rick.
"This doesn't concern you, old man!" Chris yelled while pulling out a blender.
"Yeah, go back upstairs and play with Stewie some more." Peter calmly added, while sawing off one of Quagmire's legs.
While Rick was still trying to comprehend the brutality happening, Stewie walked down next to him. The smart baby looked completely unfazed. If anything he was only mildly annoyed.
"Yeah, told you it was a bad idea to come down here. Nothing good is ever going on in this God-Forsaken place…"
Before Rick could… Well, admit that Stewie was clearly correct, he heard Brian the Dog with Seth Macfarlane's voice screaming on the TV.
"OHHHH NONEXISTENT GOD!" Brian cried out, while Adulf Lumpus the pedophile was leading him into the gas chambers. "WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME?! I WAS YOUR MOST LOYAL AND ACTIVE NAZI!"
The only response Brian got, was Noodle running up while giggling and breaking one of his knees with a golf club.
"Yaaaay!" Lazlo cheered on. "That's the same golf club Noodle shoved up my butt earlier!"
Rick's left eye twitched a little before he went back upstairs. Stewie followed behind, feeling a bit sorry for him having to witness such sick horrors. However, in the end, the little baby genius knew deep down that there were far worse horrors they would soon be forced to witness. So it was best to save the pity for later.