Chapter 49: Homecoming
He needed to get away.
Fenn took a deep breath as he finally stopped, he had just started walking, leaving Survivor base far behind. A cool breeze blew over the plains, the rock formations, so common on this part of the planet poked up through the grasslands, giving any who sought them out a view over the tall grass and far into the distance.
Fenn made for one now. Though he was grateful to be back, the…events of the last few days now filled his mind.
He shook his head.
He had come out here to…find…what? Perspective…perhaps? He…he couldn't stay at the base. Being underground, reminded him of the mines on Tatooine, and what he had experienced there.
The dark side filling him up, the strange sensation of Avy's teeth at his throat, drowning in the rage and darkness…
…and then later…entering another darkness of his own free will, and getting lost in heat. So hot, everything desire…so hot…so wet.
He shivered.
He couldn't do it, being underground, NOT right now, it left him feeling confined. Something he made clear to Master Jas after his debrief.
He needed some time alone, to think. He needed to meditate. He didn't intend to be gone long. Soon he would need to return, and get back to work. The mission was not finished, the war was not over, despite the losses the Survivors had taken.
Heavy loses, he knew.
Jas Dar Bynn had granted his request. Though the Jedi Master could not hide his concern for his former student.
The dark side glow of his eyes, remained. Time had done nothing to change them back. So, he had come out here, to find peace. He had found none at the base. He had returned, hoping that being back among his friends and allies, that he would be able to find his center, and from there, use the light side of the Force to undo what he had done to himself.
He had been wrong.
All he felt was curiosity, curiosity, suspicion and fear.
He had seen the concern in his master's eyes. The look that Temmin gave him, the boy…no not a boy, not anymore…the young man he was training…
He shook his head.
Temmin had not known what to say, not when he saw Fenn's eyes.
Temm…he didn't understand, and Fenn didn't blame him.
Looking back, both to the cave, and the Anchorhead Inn…
…Fenn was not sure that he understood either.
The taste of soft skin, the moans that turned into cries of passion. Avy and Taya…their bodies moving against his. The excitement he had felt…the desire to dominate them both, the sweet surrender as they moved in a tangled mass of arms and legs. The sound of flesh moving against flesh. Their skin so soft, the taste of passion sweat on his tongue, the wetness of…
He shook his head. Even thinking about it made the heat rise anew.
He…he had never been that brazen. NEVER! Avy had responded to it, even as he gently pushed her into Taya's arms, as he watched the two of them. It…it excited him, and when they came to him…he…they…
No!
He…he needed to step back….
He…he needed to think.
As he knelt down to meditate, he could still hear Gilly's words, the warning that she had repeated before they had struck out for Tatooine.
She had said the mission was a bad idea from the start.
He now feared that she had been right, though not for the reasons the major had given.
He tried not to second guess, that way led to frustration and anger.
What had happened, had happened.
It was the will of the living Force.
Yet their loses, not just the people, but…
Fenn cursed under his breath.
No.
She was right.
Major Locke had been right from the beginning.
Rescuing Senator Teem, the attempt, had NOT been worth it.
Out of the thirty that went to Tatooine, only twelve made it back, and still the senator had been killed.
It had been wasteful, on so many levels.
To say that the losses had been abysmal, would have been an understatement. Most of the soldiers that had went into Beggar's Canyon had not come out again. Of the eight who had not escaped with Avaryss, two were badly wounded, one of them was likely out of the fight permanently. The young man would never walk again.
Temm had saved his life, his and Xen Loor's. Even though Temm had never cared for the Sith, he still did his duty.
Fenn…was proud of him.
If anyone doubted the boy's quality, there was all the proof you needed of it right there.
He would make a great Jedi one day.
Alas, one great Jedi could not replace the loss of so many brave men and women.
The loss of so many soldiers was damaging, but the greatest loss of all was the most damaging.
The loss of an old friend.
Shyra Viel was not among those that escaped. She had not managed to reach any of the rendezvous' points, and had not tried to send any signals that would have confirmed she survived.
She was now missing, presumed dead.
Fenn still couldn't believe it.
Shyra was one of the toughest Jedi he knew.
If she was gone, both the Survivors and the Jedi Order would be lessened because of it.
Shyra had not just been a good soldier, but a good friend.
Her presence…would be missed.
He could almost see her now, that long face, her brown eyes filling with concern.
What would she have said if she could see him now?
What would she say about the change of his eyes, and what it represented?
What he had risked?
He could not image that she would be pleased.
He knelt down, trying to push such thoughts away, but still… they remained. He found himself thinking of the trip back from Tatooine. When the ship arrived to take them off planet. Tara Valenthyne had been piloting, it had been she that had been the first to see him. See what he had done to himself, the change…
Seeing his eyes, she had paused mid-statement.
"Fenn! Thank the Force that you…uh…um…
He closed his eyes and looked away.
"I'm okay," he had told her, reaching out, and giving her shoulder a reassuring squeeze.
He felt her tense, it was brief, but it had happened.
"Um…okay," she had answered, "Well…um…all aboard, next ship to survivor base now departing."
Avy had come next, a satisfied smirk on her face. Taya, Fenn could no longer think of her as Lord Agony, brought up the rear supporting Major Locke, she had awoken from the trance able to walk, though it would be unlikely she would be leading missions for a few weeks.
Fenn thought about the major, what he had done to save her life, and remembering her first words to him as they had left the Anchorhead Inn.
"Did our Sith friends get hurt in the fight," she whispered as he helped her down the stairs of the inn.
"No more than anyone else," he answered.
The sniper's brow had furrowed.
"They are walking a little funny. They should speak with Roxxi when they get back."
Fenn coughed into his hand.
He…he hoped neither of the two ladies had heard that.
Though, the thought did almost make him smirk.
If you had told him three years ago what would happen in the master bedroom of that suite, he would have thought the person speaking was mad.
Yet, it HAD happened.
He…he still didn't know what had come over him. It felt like it had the moment he first restrained Avy back on Kivan's Holdings, but this time…it was so much stronger.
Too strong.
He had been shocked when she tried to restrain him using the Force, shocked, and hurt.
That hurt had quickly turned to anger as he heard her berating Taya, choking her, and threatening to harm her.
That anger had been what he needed to get free, he knew it wasn't right, but…
Very little of what had happened in the Anchorhead inn had been right.
Though, it had felt good…too good…perhaps.
How quickly that anger had morphed into desire, anger had let the heat in. He had enjoyed her struggles, knowing in that moment, that was more powerful than her. When Avy had given in, surrendered to her desires, first for him, and then for Taya…he…he…
NO!
Ignore it, he thought, don't think about it.
Call on the light, now that you are alone, you should be able to cleanse yourself.
He knelt down on the hard stone; he could still feel the heat of the day beneath his skin.
He closed his eyes, and reached out with the Force.
He took a deep cleansing breath, and breathed it out through his nose.
He began.
There is no emotion…there is peace.
His mind entered the light, seeking the peace…going…going…
…Back to their home, a place of peace amidst the storm.
Survivor base.
He thought about the return to Survivor base, and what they had discovered when they arrived.
They were the last group to make it back. Tara Valenthyne, had shuttled the scattered groups one by one from each rendezvous, back to the transport that had first brought them to Tatooine. The transport that had hidden behind the largest of Tatooine's moons.
They reached the ship without incident, a miracle in itself, if Fenn was being honest.
After the fight below, he was surprised not to see any Zakuul ships in orbit, no sign of the Eternal Fleet.
Of course, why would there be?
Lennix Gul didn't seem to regard the Survivors as a military threat, they were merely criminals to be routed.
Fenn's eyes had narrowed at that thought.
The arrogant knight would learn the error of those thoughts.
Tara, the eldest of the new members of Survivor Squad, had been happy to see the major alive. She had known the sniper since she was a little girl. Everyone had feared Locke lost, when she had not checked in after the attack; it had been natural to fear the worst…
…the few that made it out of the canyon had seen her sniper's nest explode.
So her return…was seen as something of a miracle.
Fenn took no credit for her survival; he was just happy that he had made a difference.
It was the Jedi way, after all.
The major was a necessary part of their team, it had been his duty to save her life.
Tara had understood that, when they had talked later, he sensed no judgment on her part.
She understood.
Which was good, it gave him hope that the others might be as accepting, after all…
…Tara wasn't the only one who had been happy with the major's survival.
As Galadriel Locke had limped off the transport, Colonel Capistan had been waiting for her. He waited at the base of the ramp, and she paused, just out of arms reach.
They had stood before each other, saying nothing, but, at the same time, saying everything.
She stumbled forward, and he caught her.
She sobbed softly into his large shoulder, the losses they had suffered, and the gratitude of being alive finally catching up with her.
Fenn left the two alone. Everyone did. Gilly and Krys…given their history. They deserved to be alone. What they felt for each other, it was older than most of the young people on this base. The two had been lovers, dreamed of a life together long before he was born.
The Colonel had sought him out later.
He had also been shocked by the change of Fenn's eyes, but he let it go far quicker than anyone else.
He…understood.
Fenn had saved the woman he loved. If anyone doubted the Colonel still cared about the major, that thought was put to rest for Fenn Shadowstone.
He saw it.
Krys was grateful.
He…understood.
Knowing that there was understanding. Knowing it…helped.
There is no ignorance…there is knowledge.
Fenn smiled as he felt the light flowing through him. The gentle waves of it beating against the shore of his being.
He had saved a life.
That was what had mattered.
It was all that mattered.
He breathed in and out, feeling the life around him.
He moved on to the next part of the code.
There is no passion…
…passion.
His breath froze in his throat.
He could hear them, again.
The moans…the sounds that had turned into cries of passion!
It had been a frenzy, at first, but then…they had found a rhythm, and they had moved together until all three had been spent and comfortable.
After the first time, he had slept. Avy curled up in his arms, her breath warm against his bare chest. As she had drifted off, he had kissed her sweetly, making her shiver oh so…slightly.
It…he had no real words to describe it. It…it had been like nothing he had experienced before. Even the first time, when he had been with Tru, even that had not felt…like this.
It was…intoxicating!
He had awoken a short time later, or rather, had been woken. Taya, moving her hands against his body. Her hands, her lips, and her tongue, it had been…electrifying, arousing him again.
He had looked up, looked up into those hungry eyes. He stroked her cheek with a callused hand.
"Have me again, please…"
He had not made her beg.
He flipped her over, sending her into a fit of happy giggles, and gave her what she desired.
Their…revels had awoken Avy, she was not angry, merely, desired to share in them.
She had touched him, and kissed his neck, demanding attention as well. She had nibbled on his ear as he finished with Taya…
…Then…he had her too.
The Force roiled between them. Desire…wanting…for someone who had practiced denial most of his young life, it had been overwhelming.
The two women were so powerful, he had seen that many times. They were both fierce and passionate fighters, but now…they surrendered so willingly, asking only that he take charge, and in taking charge, letting them have their way.
It was…it was…
His hands balled into fists.
Why had he denied this part of him for so long?
Why had he even bothered.
What this felt like…
…he welcomed it.
He felt a fool for denying himself for so long, and…could feel resentment forming for those that had preached that he choose denial over release. He…
Fenn.
He shook his head.
Fenn. Hear me, please.
Thoughts of heat and pleasure retreated. He felt it, again, reaching out from the darkness, a blue light…
…Soothing…calming…
…and…unjudging.
The darkness is tempting. I know, but you aren't some youngling that spent his entire life cloistered in a temple. You know the galaxy isn't a place of absolutes. Nothing is black and white. You took it upon yourself to look into the void, to revel in its power, and…you enjoyed that moment, but do you really want it to define you, to change who you are?
The words penetrated him, he might not know the speaker, but he felt…the voice…he knew it…somehow.
It spoke truth…
…it had always spoken truth, and he knew how to answer.
No, he thought.
No. It…it should not define me.
He felt a ripple of satisfaction.
Good, the third precept isn't so easily maintained during times of strife. There is no passion…there is serenity. How can there be serenity in times of war, a war that is both within and without? Passion can be a gateway to greed. That girl you have been bound to expects you to take that route. You were right to help the other girl, her friend, but even that may put you at risk. You CAN care for something, desire it, but those desires can be turned to a positive outcome, the protection of friends, and those you love.
Don't let those desires become twisted. Do not resent those who offered direction. The past is the past, use those lessons as a guide, don't reject them outright. You can do this, kid, I know you can.
Again, he felt that sense of love and pride, it washed over him. The resentment that had been growing in him died.
How had he been so blind?
Master Jas had taught him about desire, how to enjoy it, but not cling to it, let it drag him down.
He tried to reach out, see who was calling to him.
"Who are you? Who are you really?
He felt a twinge of sadness.
I'm the one that put you in this position, my boy. One day, I will ask your forgiveness, but for now. Know that you are not alone. You think you can save that girl, the one who has been a part of you. It may yet be possible. I will do my best to help. All I ask, is that you stay strong. Your master found a way. He lived both as a Jedi, and a husband and father for years. If that is the path you want, you have all the tools to walk it. For now…farewell.
Don't go, he almost shouted.
Please.
I'm never far away, kid. Not from you, but for now, you must return to the normal world. You have company.
Fenn nodded.
Yes, he could sense it now, through the light, a shadow moving across the waves.
Be brave, my boy.
We will speak again.
He felt a single tear on his face.
Good bye.
Good bye, my boy. May the Force be with you.
IOI
Fenn opened his eyes, he still felt the heat, but he was able to rise above it, for now…anyway.
He looked down from the rock, and realized he was being watched.
Zay smiled up at him, Avy's apprentice, dressed in a simply black jumpsuit, her lightsaber clipped to her belt.
Behind her walked a lone Erede. The creature swayed in time with Zay's steps, its eyes glassy and empty.
Mesmerized, he realized.
Impressive.
Her powers were growing quickly.
The girl tilted her head, her expression playful.
"Are you saying your goodbyes to the light, Master Fenn?"
He shook his head.
"Hello, Zay," he said, "What brings you out this far?"
"A bit of hunting, master. As you can see, I caught what I was seeking.
The Erede made a snuffling sound, it seemed, unaware of its surroundings, even that it was alone.
Odd for such a social creature.
"You didn't answer my question," the girl said, "Have you said your goodbyes to the light?"
Fenn's brow furrowed. An interesting question, but, for once he could answer with complete honesty.
Had he gone dark? Despite recent events, that was not the case, the brief contact with…whoever that was had helped him find his center again.
He felt like himself again…
…For the moment at least.
He shook his head no, rubbing his eyes, rising from his meditations.
Her smile widened as she looked at him.
"Where can I get eyes like that?"
He didn't need a mirror to know what she was referring to.
His meditations had not worked, but that didn't mean that the light had abandoned him.
It had not.
The voice in the dark, the blue voice confirmed that.
He…was not forsaken.
"Study the dark side long enough, you WILL have eyes like mine. I promise.
The girl beamed.
Fenn resisted the urge to frown.
His words had not been meant to inspire.
"I made a choice, girl," he added.
"It left its mark, but…"
He returned her smile.
"Are you sure you really want to go so far that your eyes turn?"
"Of course," she said without hesitation, her own green eyes filling with hunger.
"I would gladly bear the mark of a true Sith."
Fenn shook his head.
He wasn't sure that Temmin would be happy to hear that.
The girl was changing.
It wasn't just a matter of maturing either. Zay had had a…sweetness to her when she had first arrived at Survivor Base, an innocence.
Fenn didn't see that now.
Something hard had taken root behind those green eyes. She did her best to hide it from Temm, but he could see it now, see it clearly.
He wasn't sure if that was good or bad.
He frowned slightly.
"May I ask a question now?"
"Of course."
"What did it feel like, the moment you gave yourself to the dark side?"
Zay's brow furrowed. Perhaps trying to sense if this question was a trap.
It wasn't, not on Fenn's part.
He was simply…curious.
"It was the moment I decided I wanted to be free," she answered, "When I chose not to be a victim anymore."
She pursed her lips.
"Through passion I gain strength, through strength I gain power, through power I gain victory, and through victory…"
"You are set free," Fenn said finishing her sentence.
"Just so," she said.
She looked down at the ground, he could sense her discomfort.
"To answer your question…I first felt it when I was on the Fairwind, the ship that took me from Nar Shadaa."
"When you escaped from that boy that tried to kidnap you," he added, remembering the story that Captain Cooper had told him, when he had first brought Zay back.
"When you fought for your life."
"Yess," she replied, her answer coming out like a hiss. Apparently, that fight still had some bad memories attached. He felt sorry for bringing them up, but again…what was done was done.
Zay's smile returned moments later.
In that moment, I knew what I wanted. I knew that what Master Avaryss had promised was everything I desired. I would do anything to learn from her. In that moment…I was willing to do anything."
"Not an easy choice," he said, "Giving yourself over to something so completely."
"Isn't that what the Jedi do?" she inquired, "Give yourself over to the Force."
"Within reason," he replied, "We still have our consciences, and what we know to be right."
"If you say so," she said, though he got the feeling she was just telling him what she thought he wanted to hear.
He could almost feel her shutting down, hiding behind walls in her mind, as if she feared that she might say something she didn't want him to hear.
That sensation worried him.
If Avy was training Zay to be an…enlightened Sith, one that accepted the Jedi's continued existence, why hide what she thought?
Were they not all allies?
Were they not destined to be allies?
He again looked at the beast at her side.
"What is up with your friend?"
Zay smirked.
"A test from, Master Avaryss. While you were gone on Tatooine, I continued my studies.
She reached out and stroked beneath the Erede's chin.
It seems that I have a rapport with beasts," she informed him, "I have been testing my powers out here on the plains. Erede are the easiest to manipulate, but the thunder ant nests are fun too."
Fenn frowned.
He knew about the thunder ants, insects as big as a human hand. Fiercely territorial, a colony could strip the flesh off an Erede in ten minutes or less.
They were not something to be playing around with, even with the Force.
"I hope you are being careful," he said, "You aren't all powerful, kid."
"I know," she said, "Not yet, anyway."
She regarded the Erede again, her expression…thoughtful.
"Some creatures are so easily manipulated. All they want to do is feel safe, and secure. It doesn't take much to ensure them of that, and when they find their way into the trap, there is no escape."
Fenn listened carefully.
He wondered, if Zay was still referring to the Erede. It had taken time, but the Survivors had grown to trust Avy and her Sith. He had come to trust her.
Had that been an error on his part? Had it been an error on all their parts? She would never have gotten into his head as much as she had on Tatooine, not if he had not been willing to accept what she had been saying. He had let her flood their connection with dark side power. Had opened himself up to it willingly. Had he continued down the path she had set...
Had he killed Major Locke. What had happened in the old mining complex could have left him a far different person then he was now.
Yet, he HAD resisted, escaped.
Or…had he?
He wanted to believe it, but…
…but…
But…had he escaped, what had happened in Anchorhead suggested that he hadn't.
He wondered if Zay knew about that, yet, or if her master was keeping it to herself.
Maybe that was one story that would stay between the three of them.
Zay gave the Erede an appraising look.
"It is all a matter of timing, Master Fenn. We have to wait, you see, but when the timing is right. We…"
She pulled the knife from her belt, her green eyes wild with mad delight.
She lashed out with the blade, looking to cut the beast's throat.
NO!
Fenn raised his hand, pushing the girl over, causing her to sit down hard.
The Erede, freed of her control, honked and galloped away, as fast as its legs would carry it.
Fenn looked down at the girl.
What…in the hell…was that?!
"Ow," she said, rubbing her behind.
She glared up at him.
"What is it with you people knocking me on my rear?"
He smiled.
"Better than dropping you on your head," he said dryly.
Zay scowled.
She was not happy with him, no.
Not…one…bit.
"That…was not kind," she said, "My master was expecting that creature's blood, she wished to have liver and wild greens tonight for her dinner. She told me to bring it back fresh."
He leapt down from the rock and stood over her, easily given her small stature.
"Our food supplies are plentiful right now, more so with our recent losses. There was no reason to kill anything out here."
Her scowled deepened.
"You…you don't understand. I…. you made me fail."
Zay…I…"
"I CAN'T FAIL!"
He sensed her anger, and her fear. She didn't want to go back to her master empty handed.
Zay shook her head, her eyes haunted.
"She…she will punish me. I don't deserve it. I followed her orders!"
Fenn raised his hand.
"I will speak with her."
Zay didn't want to accept that.
Her anger continued to boil.
"Youi think that she will care. She gave me a task. What my master wants, she MUST have."
Fenn's eyes narrowed.
Is that so, he thought.
What she wants, she must have.
Well, they would just see about that.
Zay stepped back, balancing her weight on her good foot. Her hand near her belt, near her weapon.
He didn't think her foolish enough to draw it against him, but…
He reached out, snatching the lightsaber from her before she had the chance to draw it.
"HEYYYY!" she cried.
"That's mine!"
He held up his hand as he inspected the weapon.
Good work, he thought, Temm had been helping Zay redesign it so it fit her fighting style.
He examined the haft, there had been changes. A weighted ball on the end, plates welded over the extendable sections.
"Cortosis weave?" he asked.
Zay nodded. Her expression still miffed.
She didn't like being disarmed so easily.
"Xen chopped through my original haft," she informed him, "Colonel Capistan was kind enough to offer me some plates to protect the new one."
She smiled.
"Xen won't be chopping through this one with her lightsaber."
Fenn nodded, and handed the girl back her lightsaber.
"A sensible weapon," he said, "Well constructed. You should be pleased."
Some of the hostility went out of her expression, though, he still sensed worry.
"My master will still be angry with me."
"I'll speak with Avy," he repeated, "I will inform her that you didn't fail. You completed your task, and I stopped you from bringing anything back."
Zay winced.
"She is not going to be happy with you."
"I'll deal with it."
Zay remained unconvinced.
"She is going to demand some kind of recompense for what you did."
Fenn snorted, a hint of a smile on his face.
"I think I can offer her something she wants more than Erede liver."
Zay smirked.
Smirked...and giggled.
"I'm guessing you can," she purred.
Fenn blinked.
Had his words sounded more suggestive that he had wanted?
Had Zay heard what had happened in Anchorhead?
She started to back away.
"If anyone can make her reconsider her choices, you can, my lord."
Fenn pursed his lips.
My lord?
Zay crossed her legs and dropped into a deep theatrical bow. Her arms spread wide, as she looked up, holding his gaze.
"I will submit to your orders, sir. The consort of my master should be obeyed."
She rose, and made her way back towards Survivor base.
Fenn's brow furrowed.
My lord?
Consort?
He…he cared for Avy, and was not above offering her the comfort she desired, but…
Was he hers already?
Was that such a bad thing?
What happened out here was proof that he could do good at her side. He could check some of her worst tendencies.
If…if he had stayed with her, he could help her, guide her. She had known compassion once; he had seen it when they had been children.
If he went back to the empire with her, he could keep her in check. Ensure the alliance between the empire and the Republic.
Wasn't that a worthy goal?
Wouldn't that be a worthy sacrifice?
He considered those things, his yellow eyes glowing, already he was thinking about what price Avy would demand for his interference in her apprentice's task.
He found himself looking forward to that.
She might command her own people, but when they were alone, being intimate.
He could ensure that she was kept in check. She wanted what he had to offer.
He…wanted it too.
Zay looked back, she took a deep breath, almost basking in the heat rising from him through the Force.
"Good bye, my lord," she said as she hobbled off.
"Welcome home."