November 10,2011

Post-deployment briefings and health screenings were never my favorite part of the job, but after this deployment, they were akin to torture. Julio and I were meeting up in Augusta for the first time, and I couldn't wait to get there. We both had a long weekend because of Veteran's Day and I'd be leaving as soon as work was over. After the briefing ended, I had rushed back to the barracks to change and grab my bag.

"Did you fly here?" Kinsey asked when he walked into our room. "I turned around to say something, and you were gone."

"I want to get on the road as soon as possible," I replied. "I have a four-hour drive to Augusta."

Kinsey furrowed his eyebrows. "What's in Augusta? Are you training for the Masters or something?"

I closed the door to my bedroom and pulled on my coat. "I'm spending the weekend with my boyfriend," I said. "Augusta is the halfway point between here and Fort Bragg."

Kinsey's furrowed eyebrows jumped closer to his hairline. "Boyfriend?"

"Julio."

Kinsey punched his right hand into his left palm, a satisfied smile crossing his face. "I knew it! Tank owes me a hundred bucks."

Now it was my turn to look surprised. "You and Tank bet a hundred dollars on whether I was with Julio?"

"Yeah. You've been in a lot better mood since Christmas, you talk to him every day, and you haven't been paying attention to women all year. Tank didn't believe me, so we made a bet. Can you tell him before you leave? He won't believe it if he hears it from me."

I waited while Kinsey called Tank and told him to come down to our rooms with his wallet. While we waited, Kinsey drank a bottle of water with a satisfied smile on his face and I spent the time double checking my bag. Because it was that or kick Kinsey's ass, and since I preferred to consolidate my ass-kicking into one event, I waited for Tank. Tank let himself in to our common room five minutes later.

"You're lying," he said to Kinsey. "There's no damn way—,"

"He just admitted it. He's on his way to Augusta to see him for the weekend," Kinsey said, a smug smile on his face.

Tank turned to face me. "Is it true?"

"Yes."

Tank swore under his breath and pulled out his wallet. He started counting out twenties, and as soon as he stretched out his arm to Kinsey, I grabbed the money.

"Hey!" Kinsey said.

"You're lucky I haven't thrown your asses through the window," I said, stuffing the money in my jeans' pocket. "Count your lack of broken bones as your prize. And if you two ever bet on my personal life again, you'll wish I had only thrown you out a window."

My anger eased up on the drive to Augusta, but I still wasn't happy. If Kinsey had his suspicions, he could have asked me. I would have told him. I had considered telling him a couple of different times, but something had always come up. I reminded myself that Tank wasn't my employee yet and while I outranked him, he didn't see me in the same way he would when he worked for me at Rangeman. That Tank would have eaten his own arm before placing a bet like that.

I worked on compartmentalizing the situation once I reached the Augusta city limits. I was here to see Julio in person for the first time in almost six months, to have all the sex I could handle, and relax. I would use the hundred dollars to take him out to dinner. He would probably laugh about the whole situation and tell me to lighten up. He was more laidback that way.

It was almost ten by the time I let myself into our hotel room with the key I'd picked up from the front desk. Julio sitting up on the bed reading a book when I walked in and I tossed my duffle bag on the floor by the dresser. I was about to say something when I stopped. Julio was shirtless and wearing a pair of shorts that were rolled up at the waist, making them so short there was little left to the imagination.

"Are those my PT shorts?" I asked, remembering the pair that I hadn't been able to find since Memorial Day weekend.

Julio climbed out of bed and made his way towards me. "I might have taken them when we were packing. I figured if I couldn't have the Ranger, then at least I'd wear his panties."

I felt the last bit on tension from my deployment and irritation with Kinsey and Tank melt away as I ran my eyes over his body. If anyone had told me in my last life that I'd ever look at another man like this and want him this badly, I would have laughed. Now it seemed impossible that I had ever felt any other way about him. I took off my coat and shoes and stepped towards him.

"They look good," I said, running a finger along the waist. "But they need to come off now."

"Go ahead," he whispered with a grin. I pulled him into a kiss with one hand on the back of his head while the other hand pushed the shorts to the floor.

When I opened my eyes next, bright light was streaming in through gaps in the curtains. I picked up my watch from the bedside table and saw it was almost eight.

I needed a shower and food, but my jet-lagged body wanted nothing more than to curl up next to Julio and go back to sleep. Instead, I forced myself out of bed and towards the bathroom. I was half-asleep in the shower as I went through the motions, but as soon as I

opened the hotel-issued shampoo bottle, the last bits of drowsiness left me. The scent took me back to my old life, to those few months when Stephanie and I were together, followed by the months after her death. I had woken up to that scent every morning, and after she died, I had occasionally used her shampoo just to feel closer to her. If I didn't open my eyes, I could pretend she was right there with me. And every time I finally opened my eyes, the crushing sensation in my chest had been a reminder that she was gone, and I'd never see her again.

As I rinsed the shampoo out of my hair, I realized the agonizing emotions once tied to that scent were gone. There were still twinges of longing and grief, but nothing compared to what I had once felt. I would always have some feelings for Stephanie, but they weren't what they had been. They felt nostalgic, like the feelings someone might have for their first love decades after the relationship ended. Our brief relationship in college had

soothed some of the year-long ache of wanting to be with her again, but it had also reminded me of her faults. After she died, I'd put her on a pedestal, ignoring all the things that had once frustrated me. She was gone, and all I wanted to think about were the positives. Now she was alive again, and I had gained some perspective.

"Why were you pissed off?" Julio asked me as we sat in a nearby diner an hour later. "That's hilarious."

"I don't like people putting bets on my personal life. If he wanted to know, he should have just asked," I said.

Julio rolled his eyes. "You just hate that he was able to read you. You like to think you're all mysterious and shit. I'm gonna take it as a compliment that I make you so happy you can't hide it."

I sat back in my chair and considered my empty plate. "I prided myself on being unreadable in my last life. I guess I'm having a hard time accepting that I've changed."

"You're still unreadable most of the time, if that makes you feel better," Julio said as he finished his waffle.

"It wasn't necessarily a good thing. It's just different."

"Why do you think that is?"

I stared out the window of the restaurant, which overlooked the Savannah River and into South Carolina. What had changed me? Not just in this particular way, but overall? I wasn't that much different from my last life, but I couldn't pretend I was exactly the same either.

"You," I said after a minute. "I don't want us to have the same problems I had with Stephanie. We were both commitment-phobic and neither of us was great at expressing ourselves. When we tried, the other one didn't take it well. It took us so long to get together because we just assumed we knew what the other wanted. You aren't afraid of what you feel for me, or to tell me what you want. I guess it makes me feel like I can do it too. I don't think I've ever felt comfortable to be entirely myself with anyone but you. Maybe that's coming out around other people as well."

"I'm glad to hear it," Julio said seriously. "But are you still commitment-phobic these days? Because I want to marry you, even if it's only recognized in certain states."

"That won't matter in a couple of years," I said. "Same-sex marriage will be legal all over the country soon."

"That's great, but you didn't answer my question."

I chuckled as I pulled out my wallet to lay money on the table. "No, I'm not afraid of commitment anymore. I'll happily marry you."

Spending the weekend with Julio was everything I'd needed after my deployment. I hated leaving him on Sunday, even if it was just for a couple of weeks. I would be in Miami starting the Wednesday evening before Thanksgiving and would return on Sunday. Julio was coming to Fort Benning the next day and would be there all week. He would meet Kinsey and Tank, and it gave him the chance to see the area he would live in for almost two years while I finished my time in the Army.

November 23, 2011

I left Fort Benning as soon as I finished work. The Platoon Captain had a standing order that as long as we got our work done, we could leave whenever we wanted to start our holiday. I showed up at 0500 along with everyone else in my unit that hadn't already taken leave and we worked together to finish our tasks by 1100. Only two of the married guys had taken advantage of the entire two-week block leave. The rest of us weren't going to waste leave time when we already had a four-day holiday right in front of us. I would be back to Benning on Sunday evening, soon enough to check in from the holiday break and would start leave on Monday. You had to know how to work the system to get the most bang for your buck for time off. I would only end up using five days of leave but would have eleven days off.

I hated flying during the holidays, but I hated driving during them more. Flying took only a third of the time, and I wouldn't be stuck in unpredictable traffic jams. The five-mile drive from the Miami airport to Grandma's house was more than enough time spent on the road with holiday travelers.

My mother was waiting for me on the front steps when I pulled into the driveway. I saw her open the door and yell into the house. She hugged me as soon as I was out of the car.

"I'm so happy you're here," she said. "I can relax now. I've been an anxious mess ever since you left on your deployment."

I tried to ignore the twinge of guilt that made my chest tighten. As much as I didn't want to cause her more stress, I couldn't back down from my plan to tell her about Julio. I just hoped that whatever stress she felt from the news wouldn't overshadow our time together.

I spent the next two hours being bombarded with questions by my parents, Grandma, and Mariana, who had stopped by after closing the bakery. I was also brought up to speed on the lives of my various relatives. I knew most of it from emails with my mother or Mariana but was still subjected to more details than I truly cared to know.

"I wish you'd find a nice woman to bring to the holidays," Mom said, as the topic of conversation turned to Eduardo's recent engagement to Louisa. "Are you seeing anyone?"

I took a drink of water to give myself time to consider how to handle the answer. If I lied now, she would be pissed off later. But I wasn't sure if telling her less than twenty-four hours before Thanksgiving with our extended family was the right thing either.

"I think we've badgered him enough for one evening," Grandma said before I could open my mouth. "Let's save some questions for the rest of the visit."

"It isn't a hard question to answer," my mother argued. "It's a simple yes or no. I'm not asking for a book report."

"He just got here. He might like to go to bed."

"It isn't even nine," Mom said with a glance at her watch. "Why are you acting so weird?"

Mariana glanced in my direction, which didn't escape my mother's attention.

"Okay, you two clearly know something I don't," she said shortly. She rounded on me with an annoyed look on her face. "You're seeing someone, and you've told them, but not me?"

"I wanted to wait to talk about it after Thanksgiving," I said.

"Why?"

"Because I don't know how you'll feel about it. Can we just talk about it on Friday?"

Mom scoffed and glanced around the room. Grandma and Mariana gave nothing away. My father looked as confused as my mother.

"Why are you worried about how I'll feel about it? Who could you be dating that would upset me? A single mother? A stripper? I won't lie a stripper isn't exactly who I'd pick for you, but I'm not going to lose my mind over it," she said.

A stripper would have been easier to explain. "Mom, please," I said. "I don't want to talk about it right now."

Mom started eyeing me suspiciously. "Tell me," she said firmly. "If you think you're sparing me some worry or whatever for tomorrow, you're wrong. All I'm going to do is think about what you could possibly be wanting to tell me. You might as well just get it over with."

I had jumped out of airplanes, killed men with my bare hands, withstood days of torture, and faced the threat of death more times than I could count, but the prospect of telling my parents that I was in a relationship with a man scared the hell out of me.

I leaned forward and rested my elbows on my knees. "I'm dating a man," I said, ripping off the proverbial band-aid before I thought about it too much.

My father's mouth dropped open and his eyebrows disappeared into his hair. My mother looked like she had been turned to stone.

"A man?" she whispered. "You're dating a man?"

I nodded. "It's Julio."

My mother focused her gaze on a spot on the floor between us. "How long?"

"Since Christmas."

She made a noise between a laugh and a sob. "Almost a year, and I'm just now hearing about it. How did it even happen? You said he lives in Texas."

"He did until September. He got a transfer to Fort Bragg in North Carolina. As for how it happened, we were together towards the end of high school, but broke up that Thanksgiving he came to stay with us—"

Mom's eyes snapped up to meet mine, and for the first time I saw a flair of anger behind them. "You were together when he stayed with us?"

I nodded.

Mom put her head in her hands and took a few seconds to gather herself. "You slept with him in my home? How dare you disrespect me like that!" she said in a dangerous whisper. "How can you do this, Carlos? You were raised better than this. I raised you in the Church. You know this is a sin."

"I don't feel that way," I said. "I never have, even before I was with Julio."

My mother stood up so quickly everyone but me jumped. She started angrily pacing the room, shaking her head and muttering to herself.

"No. This isn't happening," she said firmly. "You aren't doing this. You're going to end it, and you'll go to confession, ask for forgiveness, and then get some counseling with the priest."

"No."

Mom spun on her heels to face me again. "You listen here, Ricardo Carlos Manoso. I am your mother, and you will not be in a relationship with a man. I won't allow it."

"It isn't your call," I informed her. "I love him, and I'm not walking away from him."

She groaned when I said I loved him and made the sign of the cross. "No! No! You are not gay. It's a sin. What will people think? What will they say?"

"I don't care what people think or say."

"Of course you don't!" she shrieked. "You can leave. You don't have to be around the relatives and neighbors. They'll be talking about us and asking how we could possibly have a gay son, especially one who is in the Army Rangers and is supposed to be so tough and masculine."

"My relationship with Julio has no bearing on my toughness or masculinity. And besides Emilio and the girls, all the people I really care about now know. That's all that matters to me. You don't have to tell anyone else."

Mom took the opportunity to round on Grandma. "You knew about this and didn't tell me!" she yelled. "Did you know about them in high school?"

Grandma nodded. "I did. Their relationship did them both a lot of good."

"How dare you keep that from me!" Mom roared. "He is my son, and I sent him down here to keep him out of trouble. And here you were letting him run around with that boy, knowing what they were doing. I guess I shouldn't be surprised since Mariana managed to get pregnant without you knowing for the first three months. What the hell were you even doing when he lived here?"

Grandma stood up and seemed to tower over my mother, despite being three inches shorter. "Don't you dare speak to me that way, Lola Esperanza Daniela! I am your mother, and you will remember that. Carlos came to my home an angry, hurting boy, and he left a happy, healed young man. Julio played a role in that, and I am always going to be grateful to him."

"You know what the Church teaches, Mama! How can you stand here and defend this?"

"Because I don't believe the Church is right on this," Grandma said. "I don't believe God—who made us in His image—would create someone to be gay, only to then turn them away from Heaven. You should spend more time reading the Bible and less time listening to the Pope."

"I am not going to have a gay son."

"You don't have a say in it!" Grandma snapped.

"Lola, don't you want him to be happy?" Mariana asked, daring to enter the conversation for the first time. "Isn't that supposed to be one of our jobs as parents? Not just to make sure our kids are safe and healthy, but also as happy as they can be?"

"He could be happy with a woman," Mom said. "And don't lecture me about being a parent. You have three kids and are barely more than a kid yourself. You need to worry about Olivia graduating high school without being six months pregnant like you were."

Mariana moved so quickly I almost didn't register what was happening. She was out of her seat, in my mother's face, and slapping her before anyone could say a word.

"Fuck you!" Mariana shouted. "You might feel like my mother, but you're not. You're my sister, and I will kick the shit out of you if you ever talk to me like that again."

My father hadn't moved or said a word during the whole ordeal. He was watching the three women in front of us yell at each other like it was a horrifying car accident he had driven past. I felt the same way, except I'd caused it.

"Mom, don't take it out on them. I told them not to tell anyone because I wanted to be the one to tell you," I said, standing up to put myself in between my mother and Mariana. "You can be mad at me."

Mom paced the floor with one hand on her hip and the other on her stinging cheek. She went back to shaking her head in disbelief as she walked, muttering to herself. After a minute of this, she stopped dead in her tracks and spun around to face me, horror written all over her face.

"Someone hurt you, didn't they? This is why you're like this. Someone molested you," she said, her eyes filling up with tears. "Who was it?"

I barely managed not to groan. "Mom, I'm not this way because someone hurt me. This is just who I am."

"So someone did hurt you," she said. "Who was it?"

I had never disclosed the abuse I'd suffered at juvenile detention to anyone but Julio. I hadn't even told Stephanie about it.

"It was while I was in juvie," I said. "But that is not why I'm with Julio."

I couldn't tell her that our sexual relationship had started in part to help us both heal, because she would think that was all it was. If we hadn't truly been attracted to each other, it wouldn't have happened. I had accepted that now.

"You should have told me," she said. "We could have stopped it."

"Even if that were the case, it wouldn't change the fact that I am attracted to and in love with a man," I said. "I believe Julio and I would have ended up together even if I hadn't gone through that."

My mother closed her eyes with an agonized look on her face. "You can't do this," she said. "It's embarrassing. People will talk. You know the things they'll say, Carlos. You aren't naïve."

"I know. I don't care what people say. You don't have to tell anyone else. That way you won't have to be embarrassed."

"People always ask me if you're dating anyone. Lots of people want me to set you up with their daughters or granddaughters or nieces. What am I supposed to say to that? Because if I say you're dating someone, they'll ask who. What do I say then?"

"Anything you want. I don't care if you pretend I'm with a woman."

"Just because you can lie easily to people you are supposed to care about doesn't mean the rest of us can," she snapped. "I'm not lying for you."

"That's fine," I said. "You don't have to say anything to anyone. I'll make sure I don't run into people who would ask too many questions when I come to visit."

"I can't believe you slept with him under my roof. You should be ashamed of yourself."

"All the kids have brought their partners to stay at the house and slept together there before they were married. Why is this any different?"

"Because this is disgusting and unnatural," she hissed. "It's against God and nature. You will not bring that man into my home, do you hear me? I won't have people seeing you together and thinking I condone this."

The knot that had been slowly forming in my chest over the past twenty minutes was now so tight I almost couldn't breathe. The very thing I'd hoped to avoid was happening.

"It won't be a problem," I said. "I won't be coming around anymore."

Mom opened her mouth to argue, but I held up a hand. "You've made it clear that you're ashamed of me, and that my relationship disgusts you. I'm not going to sit through every dinner with you looking at me like this or trying to drag me off to church. And I won't be told I cannot bring my partner to family functions because you don't approve of our relationship."

"So that's it? You're choosing that man over your family?"

"No, I'm choosing Julio over anyone who can't accept me for who I am and who I'm with. Grandma and Mariana do that, so I don't have to make a choice with them. I was hoping I wouldn't have to with you either."

"And you shouldn't have to," Grandma said. "You're his mother, Lola. Your job is to love him no matter what."

"I do love him. It doesn't mean I have to stand by and watch him ruin his life. Would you expect me to buy him drugs if he was an addict?" Mom asked.

"¡Dios mio!" Grandma threw her arms in the air in frustration. "That isn't even close to being the same thing!"

Mom and Grandma argued for another minute with Mariana chiming in where she could. I glanced over at my father, who was studying his folded hands in his lap. He hadn't said a single word through the entire conversation, nor had he expressed any emotion other than shock or indifference. Now he just seemed thoughtful, and while I appreciated him not yelling at me like Mom was, I also wished he would say something. The argument between Grandma and Mom was only getting louder and I knew I had to interrupt before they both said things to each other that they couldn't take back.

"I'm leaving," I announced to the room. "I'm sorry for ruining the holiday. I'll go stay at Mariana's or Eduardo's so—,"

"No, you will not!" Grandma said. "If your mother can't behave herself and treat you with respect, then she can leave."

"Really, Mama? If I don't just happily condone this behavior, then I have to leave?" Mom asked.

"Yes."

Mom and Grandma stared at each other for two solid minutes while the rest of us held our breath. Mom was the first to blink and turned around to look at my father.

"Start packing, Javier," she said. "We'll see if we can stay at Maria's."

My father didn't immediately jump up to follow my mother out of the room, but he didn't say anything to counter her either. We could hear her upstairs before my father got to his feet and left the room. The living room was silent for a few minutes while those of us downstairs gathered our thoughts while my parents gathered their belongings.

I felt like I'd been hit in the head. Everything around me felt hazy and a bit surreal. I had known my mother would bring up church, sins, and even cultural disapproval. I'd heard her say those things about other people before. Hearing her say she was embarrassed hadn't surprised me either. It hurt to hear her say it, but it wasn't unexpected. The tipping point had been when she called my relationship disgusting and forbade me from bringing him around. That was when the reality hit that I would be walking away from a relationship with my mother, and possibly my father as well. As much as I thought I was prepared for it, the pain of reality was worse than I expected.

"Carlos?" Grandma had come over to stand next to me. "How are you feeling?"

I didn't trust myself to speak, so I just shook my head. Grandma gave my arm a squeeze and walked back over to Mariana, who was crying and trying to hide it. I felt guilty knowing this would affect the relationships between Grandma and Mariana and my mother, but I hoped they could recover from it. I could hear my parents arguing upstairs, but not what was being said. Unable to stand it any longer, I left the room and went out to the backyard. I wanted to talk to Julio but knew he would be driving up to Virginia and didn't want to distract him while he was on the road. I also didn't want to make him anxious about his own conversation with family. He was worried enough about his grandparents' reaction. I decided to call Celia and give her a warning of things to come. She could talk to the rest of the siblings.

"You're what?" she asked once I told her about my relationship with Julio. "Oh my God. And Mom took it badly?"

"Very. To the point that I told her I won't be coming around. Not just because she says she's embarrassed and thinks my relationship is disgusting, but because she forbids me from bringing Julio around. I just wanted to let you know because I'm sure she'll be calling. I told her you all didn't know, but she may not believe that since Grandma and Mariana knew."

There was silence on the other end of the phone for a few seconds. "Why didn't you tell us?" she asked. "Did you think we'd act like Mom?"

"No. I know you guys—well, maybe not Aurelia— but the rest of you would be supportive. I was going to tell you, but decided not to because I didn't want Mom angry with you if she took it badly and found out you knew and didn't tell her. I was right to do it because she was screaming at Grandma and Mariana over the fact that they knew and didn't tell her."

Celia let out a disgusted sigh. "Jesus, Mom. Do you want me to tell everyone else or are you going to?"

"Do you mind? I don't really have it in me to do it right now."

"Of course. And just so you know, you can bring Julio around here anytime. He's always welcome at my house."

My throat tightened and hot tears stung my eyes hearing her say that. They were the things that I had wanted to hear from my mother but knew wouldn't happen.

"Thanks, Celia."

I had just ended the call when more shouting came from inside the house. There was a different voice in there now, and it sounded like it might be Aunt Maria.

There were now two distinct fights going on in the entryway to the house. Maria and my grandmother were yelling at each other while Mariana and Mom argued. My father was nowhere to be seen.

"YOU!" Maria shouted, pointing a finger at me. She stormed across the room and got in my face. "How dare you! Look at what you've done!"

I didn't respond to that. I had never liked Maria and didn't give a single damn what she thought about anything. I felt bad for Eduardo. If he hadn't caught hell after my mother's call to Maria, he would catch it soon. His mother was a nightmare.

"You are not to come to dinner tomorrow," she said. She turned around to face Grandma and Mariana. "No one is discussing this over dinner tomorrow," she continued, emphasizing what she was talking about with a glare in my direction. "If you can't keep it to yourself, then don't come."

"Well, I sure as hell won't be there," Mariana said, crossing her arms. "I never realized what horrid bitches my two sisters are, and I won't pretend I think anything differently."

Maria rounded on Mariana as though to slap her, but Grandma stepped in between them. "You'd better not touch her, Maria. And if you think you're going to slap me, it'll be the last thing you ever do."

Maria would have smacked Mariana without thought, but she knew better than to do something to her mother. She knew Grandma's words weren't a threat, but a promise.

"Let's go, Lola," Maria said glaring at my grandmother. Maria and my mother left, closing the door behind them. I listened as both Maria's and my parents' cars drove away from the house.

"I'm sorry about all this," I said.

"You have nothing to apologize for," Mariana said. "If they want to be that way, let them. We'll have dinner on our own. Paolo's parents are in Italy for a month, so we don't have to worry about seeing them tomorrow."

Grandma and Mariana set about making a menu for dinner, occasionally asking my opinion on something. I was relieved when my phone rang and the displayed showed it was Julio. I excused myself upstairs and closed the door to my room before answering.

"I fucking hate driving around holidays," Julio said when I answered. "I thought I'd never get here. How was your flight?"

"It was fine," I replied, sitting down on the bed. "Is the rest of your family there?"

"Yeah, Mom and my grandparents got here yesterday. Nora got here this morning, and Nadine is coming tomorrow morning. How are your parents?"

I didn't speak for a few seconds while I debated what to say. "I told them."

"I thought you were waiting until Friday?"

"I was, but my mother got pushy about whether I was seeing anyone, and when Grandma spoke up to deter her, it made her more suspicious."

"How did it go?" His tone was neutral, and I could tell he was trying to hide his anxiety.

"My father didn't say a word. My mother didn't take it well," I said. "They went to stay at Maria's after Grandma told her she either respected me and my relationship with you or leave, and I was told by Maria that I wasn't welcome at her house for dinner. Grandma, Mariana, Paolo, the kids, and I will have dinner here instead."

"What did your mom say?" he asked.

"I don't want to talk about it right now," I said.

"That bad?"

"Yeah."

"I'm sorry, baby," he said. "Can I do anything?"

"This," I said. "Talking to you helps."

"Do you think she'll calm down enough to talk to you before you leave?"

"She wasn't the one who walked away."

There was a beat of silence on the other end of the phone. "Damn."

We were quiet for a minute, each of us lost in our thoughts.

"You sure you still want this?" he asked. "I understand if you—,"

"Yes."

"Okay. Just making sure. I'll make it up to you," he said. "We can play Barbie when I get to Benning next week."

I was so thrown by what he said it took me a beat to process it. "Barbie? Like the dolls?"

"Yeah. You can be Ken and I'll be the box you come in."

A laugh escaped me before I could even think of stopping it.

"I read a list of dirty pickup lines a while back and I've been wanting to use some on you," he said.

"Do you think you need them? We've already played that game without the formal title."

"Not really. I just wanted to see if you'd laugh. I know it's not as good as having your parents accept us, but I'll do whatever I can to make up for it."

"You aren't responsible for this," I said. "I knew there was a risk of this, and I tried to prepare myself for it. You don't have to do anything to make up for their behavior."

"I want to make you happy."

"You do. Every day."

I didn't sleep well that night as my mother's comments ran circles in my mind. None of them truly surprised me. What had caught me off guard was just how much her rejection hurt. At this point in my previous life, I'd still been in something of a rebellious phase, and I wouldn't have stayed to listen once I saw where the conversation was going. I would have left and not looked back. We had gotten closer after I opened Rangeman. I'd settled down some, moved past the need to be defiant, and had truly appreciated everything she had done. We would never have that relationship now.

Grandma and Mariana pulled together a surprisingly good Thanksgiving meal given they had little notice and limited access to open stores. Eduardo and Louisa had joined the Black Sheep Thanksgiving because Maria was pissed off at him for knowing and saying nothing, and he refused to listen to her complaints. I appreciated the efforts everyone made to make the holiday feel as though it was our normal routine and tried to ignore the guilty feeling setting down roots in my gut.

Grandma held on to hope that my parents would come around and apologize before we all left. I wasn't sure what I wanted. I would never be able to forget the things my mother said. Our relationship was permanently damaged, even if she sincerely apologized and we tried to move forward. I would never fully trust her again. My father's absolute silence on the matter had bothered me more as time passed. Was he angry? Disappointed? Confused? Or was he just keeping quiet to keep peace with my mother? The latter thought pissed me off. The idea that my father might support me but be too afraid to express that because of my mother hurt almost as much as her words.

Grandma's tears as she hugged me goodbye on Sunday morning weren't only because she would miss me. I knew they were full of disappointment in her daughter, pain because of the rift in our family, and likely worry that the issues wouldn't be resolved in the remainder of her lifetime. As much as I wanted to take those feelings from her, I knew I couldn't even take my own back to Georgia with me. They would have to remain in Miami, where they couldn't get anyone killed on the job, couldn't hurt my relationship with Julio, and most importantly, couldn't destroy me.