Night
The Institute – Roof
Alyssa was sitting on the ground, leaning against the wall next to the ledge, throwing her knives into a target on the wall across the roof. Each knife she threw returned to her after hitting the target.
After a few throws, the target, weakened, fell off the wall to the ground. Alyssa stared at it blankly and looked at the knife in her hand. Emotionlessly, she sliced the knife down her other arm, watching as it broke through the skin and cut her, making her bleed. She watched the blood drip from her cut, her mind flashing back to when she tore Jocelyn's heart out.
Unlike the other victims of the demon possession, somehow she'd been able to recover her memory of what had happened when the demon possessed her. Every moment of that night, when she killed Jocelyn, flashed through her mind as she watched the cut in her hand bleed.
She watched as the cut healed, the skin knitting itself together as if nothing had happened. She went to slice her palm again, but a hand stopped her.
"Alyssa!" She looked up and stared blankly as Jace's face came into focus. He was crouched in front of her, with a worried look on his face.
Jace had come to the rooftop, hoping to find Alyssa after searching for her all around the institute. Seeing her sitting there, her eyes vacant and her expression blank, his heart ached for her.
He had seen the cut in her palm and assumed she'd accidentally cut herself while throwing the knife. He'd been stepping forward to comfort her when he saw her moving to slice the knife across her palm, prompting him to quickly rush to stop her. He realized then that the first cut had been intentional. She'd deliberately cut herself but he couldn't understand why.
"Alyssa, what are you doing? Why would you cut yourself?"
"I killed her." She said in a monotone voice. Jace's shoulders fell in sadness, seeing her like this.
"Oh, baby."
"The pain from the cut is nothing compared to what she must have felt when I punched that hole through her chest."
"Lys…" Alyssa ignored him and stood up, walking away from him.
"She wasn't exactly the best mother to me. I didn't even consider her to be my mother after what she'd done, but she didn't deserve to die the way she did, not by my hand." Jace watched her sadly and silently. "She may have been a terrible mother with me, but she was still Clary's mother, and I killed her."
"Baby, you know it wasn't you. The demon…"
"The demon used my anger at her to push me to kill her. Either way you look at it, I killed her. I was the one who cornered her in that room. I was the one who tore that hole through her and it was my hand that pulled out her heart and killed her. If I had just forgiven her and let my anger at her go, the demon wouldn't have been able to use me."
"Lys, baby, you can't keep beating yourself up over something that you had no control over. No one blames you for what happened." Alyssa scoffed at his last statement and let out a bitter laugh.
"Jace, I'm not deaf, neither am I stupid. Just because I've been secluding myself, doesn't mean I don't hear what the other Shadowhunters say. My hearing didn't diminish when the demon entered me and used me. They won't say it to your hearing of course, but other than our group, everyone else believes I wasn't really possessed.
In their opinion, I killed Jocelyn out of hatred I had for her. Not that I blame them for thinking so. The fact that Jocelyn wasn't part of my top 10 favorite people wasn't exactly a secret. And maybe they're right. Maybe I did kill Jocelyn out of hate.
"Lys, you know that's not true."
"Isn't it? Then why am I the only one out of the possessed victims who can remember what happened when I was 'possessed'?" Alyssa said, making air quotes around the word "possessed".
"Lys, baby…"
"Doesn't matter. All I know is that I killed Clary's mother and the woman my father loved. And there's nothing you can say to change that." Alyssa said. She then jumped off the roof before Jace could stop her.
He rushed to the edge and sighed in relief, then sadness, when he saw her land in a crouched position and run off. He looked on sadly, tapping the stone on the ledge with his fist in slight annoyance.
Magnus' Apartment – Balcony
Inside the apartment, Magnus was talking to Clary and Simon, trying to talk Clary out of trying to use magic to bring her mother back. Alyssa dropped down from the roof into a crouch, on the balcony. She stood upright and watched through the glass door as Magnus used his magic to create a photograph of Jocelyn and Clary from his memory.
Watching them, tears filled her eyes, but Alyssa refused to let them fall. She sat down on the couch, waiting for Clary and Simon to leave. As she sat there, the flashbacks returned. She kept seeing herself talking with Jocelyn, telling her she hated her and wanted her dead before proceeding to kill.
She was brought back to reality when she felt Magnus shake her gently. She looked up to see him standing in front of her with a worried expression.
"Sweetheart, are you okay?" Magnus asked.
"I'm fine, Magnus."
"You don't look fine, biscuit. You've got bags under your eyes, your hands are trembling, and I heard you've started cutting yourself." Magnus said, taking a seat beside her. Jace had called him earlier and told him everything that had happened earlier.
"Jace called you." It wasn't a question.
"He did, and he's worried sick about you. So are Alec and Izzy."
"At least some people care." Alyssa said with a scoff. She sighed and looked down at her hands. "I keep seeing her die, Magnus. I keep seeing how I killed her."
"Stop it, Alyssa. You didn't kill Jocelyn. It was the demon that did. You were just the vessel it used."
"Vessel or not, it used my anger at her. So anyway you look at it, I did kill her. My body was the weapon it used and my anger toward her was the fuel it used to kill her."
"You can't do this to yourself, Alyssa. No one blames you."
"Yes, they are, Magnus. Everyone believes I killed Jocelyn out of hate."
"Not everyone. The ones that matter don't believe it, and we certainly don't blame you. You were used just like every other possessed victim."
"What about Clary? Is she included in those who don't believe I killed her out of hate? What about my dad? I haven't heard from him since the night Jace was arrested."
"He's grieving, my dear. I don't think he's even in a state to call you right now." Magnus sighed and took her hands in his. "Alyssa, you can't keep doing this to yourself. If you keep at it, it's going to break you apart."
"How do I do that, Magnus? I feel all this guilt and pain and the flashes keep making everything worse. I just want it to stop." Alyssa whispered, brokenly, tears filling her eyes as she looked up at Magnus. Magnus looked at her sadly and drew her into his arms, his heart breaking for her. Alyssa clung onto him, sobbing softly into him.
Magnus was at a loss as to what to do. He wished he could use his magic to take all her pain and the guilt she felt. But even he knew that was not a healthy thing to do.
Next Night
Institute – Study
Alyssa sat at the piano, playing a song without really focusing. Her mind was occupied by images that she still couldn't get rid of, but they were beginning to recede as she kept playing. When she finished playing the song, she looked up, having felt his presence enter the room while she had been playing.
"Hey." She said quietly.
"Hey." Jace said back, just as quietly. He moved from where he stood in the doorway to sit beside her. He felt a sense of relief go through him when she didn't pull away from him. "I almost forgot you could play." Alyssa weakly smirked at him and nudged his shoulder with hers.
"You're not the only pianist in this relationship." She joked. Jace chuckled slightly at her. They shared a smile before Alyssa's face fell into a serious expression. "I'm sorry for pushing you away. I just…"
"Lys…babe, no one blames you for what happened. I'm not talking about the other Shadowhunters. I'm talking about the people who care about you, Izzy, Alec, Clary, Magnus, me, and your dad. I know you're having a hard time forgiving yourself and coming to terms with it. I know you're in pain and the guilt is tearing you apart. But babe, you're not alone. We're here for you, I am here for you. You can lean on us." Alyssa smiled weakly at him.
"I'm not very good at leaning on others. I don't know how to deal with this. All I feel is guilt and that guilt aches and causes pain. You keep saying it wasn't my fault, but why does it feel like it is? I keep hoping that all this is a bad dream that I will wake up from. And it's not enough that I killed someone, but it had to be Jocelyn of all people. I mean, how can I ever face Clary again? We were finally getting closer as we should have been. She may drive me nuts sometimes and make some of the stupidest decisions, but at the end of the day, she's still my sister. And now because of me, her mother is gone. I mean, how could she ever forgive me?"
"Lys…she doesn't blame you. She knows what happened. She knows it wasn't you. Babe, like I said, no one blames you. You're the one who keeps blaming yourself. You have to realize that it wasn't your fault. You have to forgive yourself so you can heal. The pain will only get worse if you don't stop blaming yourself. Clary doesn't blame you.
You also have to forgive yourself for being so angry with Jocelyn until her death. I know it's part of why you're being so hard on yourself. I know it won't be easy, but you have to learn to do so otherwise it's going to rip you apart." Jace said, then wrapped his arm around her, bringing her into his side.
She placed her head on his shoulder, turning slightly to wrap her arms around him. Jace began to stroke her hair back with his other hand and kissed the top of her head.
"I wish there was a way I could make it right."
"I know, baby. I know."
The couple sat there in each other's embrace, with Jace whispering words of comfort into Alyssa's ear every now and then.
Next Day
Institute – Training Room
Sounds of a fight were coming from the room, drawing Izzy's attention. She entered the training room to find Alec and Alyssa sparring with each other using Bo staffs. Seeing her best friend not hiding from them anymore made her happy beyond content. She stayed quiet and listened to their conversation as they sparred.
"Is there any weapon you're not proficient with? This is the fifth we've tried, and I haven't caught you off-guard or found a weakness yet." Alec asked, smiling at Alyssa. Alyssa smiled back and blocked a strike from him.
"Now, why would I tell you that and give you an advantage over me? Besides the person who trained me made sure I could use whatever weapon there was available. She told me that I should never play favorites because it would put me at a disadvantage. I mean no offense, but if I were to hand you either mine or Izzy's whip, you wouldn't be able to use it because you tend to favor your bow and arrows. You're attached to them. You prefer them over any other weapon. And I get it. It suits your personality." Alyssa said, jumping over him and moved to strike at him, but Alec quickly blocked her.
"But me, I never did find a particular weapon that I could say I preferred above others. Any weapon in my hand felt right as long as I knew how to use it well. Magnus once said it was because I was a bit of a wild card. I don't exactly conform to the norm and it makes me unpredictable, wild if you will. You would think you had me all figured out and then…"
Alyssa managed to catch him off guard and knocked the staff out of his hand, then swept his feet from under him, putting him to the ground. She pointed the end of her staff at his neck, making him surrender and yield. "I would do something that shatters that perception."
"Yeah, I'm starting to get that." Alec said breathlessly, looking up at her. Alyssa smiled down at him, breathing heavily and helped him up. They put their weapons away and went for their water bottles. "So how are you really? With all that's happened. Don't give me your standard answer."
"I wasn't going to." Alyssa said, giving him a weak smile. She moved to sit on the ground, leaning against the wall, Alec following suit. Alyssa looked to the side, seeing Izzy and motioned her over. "Honestly, I'm still not okay. And I don't think I will be for a while. And it doesn't help that I can remember every single detail of what happened. I keep seeing it happen over and over again."
"I don't have to tell you that it's not your fault, do I?" Alec asked.
"No, Magnus and Jace already beat you to the punch."
"But you don't believe them. You still think it's your fault." Izzy said, not even bothering to frame it as a question. "Lyssa, you have to stop being hard on yourself. That demon could have used anyone. It could have used either Alec or me or anyone else."
"But it didn't. I basically invited it in with all the anger I held towards her. I might as well have hung a sign over me saying, 'Possess me.'"
"Stop it, Alyssa. Why are you doing this to yourself? It wasn't your fault. This is all Valentine's fault. He's the one that set the demon on the Institute. That demon and Valentine are the ones responsible for all the deaths that occurred, including Jocelyn's. You didn't kill her, that demon did. Again, it wasn't your fault."
"Then why does it feel like it is, Alec?"
"Because you have a bad habit of sometimes being too hard on yourself, you find it hard to forgive yourself even when the situation was out of your control." Izzy answered.
"You gotta stop being so hard on yourself." Alec said.
"Easier said than done, Alec." Alyssa said sadly. Izzy and Alec shared a look of helplessness. "I gotta go." She got up from the floor and began to walk away. Almost at the door, she turned back to them. "Alec, could you do me a favor?" Alec got up from the floor.
"Anything."
"Can you please watch Clary? I have a feeling she's bound to do something that will get her into trouble. I'd do it myself, but we all know I'm not exactly in the right headspace to be around her right now."
"Of course." Alec said. Alyssa gave one last smile and walked out. Alec and Izzy sighed and shared a look.
Alyssa's Spare Room
Alyssa was sitting on the bed, sketchbook and pencil in hand while listening to music from her phone with only one earpiece in her ear. It had been a while since she picked up her book to draw, since Jace had gone missing.
She sang along softly to the lyrics of the song as she sketched, nodding along with the rhythm and beat. She was distracted from her sketching and music when she heard a knock on the door. She lifted her head and called for the person to enter, then looked down to turn off her music and put her book away as the person entered the room. Looking back up, it was like her breath had been knocked out of her when she saw who it was.
"Clary."
"Hey. Jace told me you were here." Feeling a bit awkward, Clary shifted on her foot, bringing her hands together to pick at her nails. "Haven't seen you in a while."
"Yeah. I needed to get out of here, to not be here."
"You mean you needed to find a way to avoid me."
"I wasn't ready to face you after what happened. I'm still not, but there's not much I can do now."
"Alyssa, you know I don't blame you, right? I know that as much as you had issues with mom, you'd never even think of killing her." A sad look came on Alyssa's face.
"I am so sorry, Clary."
"Don't be. It wasn't you. You didn't kill mom. That demon that took over you did."
"Everyone keeps saying that."
"Because it's true. You weren't responsible for what happened to mom." Alyssa nodded.
"I'm still sorry. I wish there was a way I could take back that moment, that there was a way to get her back without consequences, but there isn't." Alyssa said, looking down at her hands. Clary bit her lip contemplatively as Alyssa said this, her mind going back to the warlock she'd seen the previous day.
"Alyssa…what if we could?" Alyssa looked up at her sister in confusion.
"What if we could what? What are you…?"
"What if we could get mom back?"
"You mean bring her back to life?" Alyssa asked, raising a skeptical eyebrow.
"Yeah. I found a warlock who claims he can do it. But there…"
"Whoa, whoa, whoa." Alyssa said, raising her hand to stop Clary from continuing. "You found a warlock to… Wait, are you talking about Iris Rouse?"
"Yeah. How did you know? Did Jace…"
"No, he hasn't said anything to me about this. I lived with Magnus for 12 years, remember? I know most of the warlocks under his jurisdiction. Clary, that woman is bad news. Not to mention, you're talking about using dark magic here."
"She said it wasn't..."
"Of course she'd say that to throw you off, Clary. Iris Rouse is one of the many warlocks who lack discipline when it comes to the kind of magic they do."
"But she can bring mom back."
"Not without consequences. I'm pretty sure Jace told you about such consequences when you told him about this idea."
"Yeah, but…"
"Clary, Iris Rouse is bad news. You can't…"
"Alyssa, look, mom wasn't supposed to die. It was a mistake. I…I want more time with her. We could have her back. I thought you would help me on this. I thought you said you wish you could get her back."
"Yeah, without any consequences. If there were such a way, I would help bring her back for you. But there isn't. I'm sorry that Jocelyn died, Clary. I'm sorry for the part I indirectly played in her death. And while I feel guilty, it doesn't change the fact that this is a bad idea that could only hurt you more in the end. I'm sorry but I can't help you with this."
"You can't or won't?"
"Both."
"Why am I surprised? I should have known you wouldn't help. If it were anyone else, you would have probably readily agreed to help."
"No, I wouldn't have…" But Clary plowed on as if she wasn't speaking.
"But because it's mom, the woman who, though she made a mistake by abandoning you, was trying to make up for it, you could care less whether she lived or died."
"Clary, that's not..."
"I bet you're even happy she's dead. I mean with the amount of anger and hatred you hold towards her, you might as well have killed her yourself without any help from the demon." Alyssa looked at Clary, hurt.
"All she wanted was to start fresh with you, but you wouldn't even give her a chance or the time of day. You still held onto your stupid anger and hatred towards her. Who knows? Maybe we were wrong. Maybe it was your fault that she died."
Alyssa stood there frozen, hurt and shocked by what her sister had just said to her. She watched as Clary gave her one final glare and left the room.
Training Room
Izzy was training on a dummy. Alyssa walked into the room without seeing her, but Izzy saw her and noticed her disposition.
"Lyssa." Alyssa looked up at her, surprised. She hadn't noticed her presence when she entered. Izzy noticed the tear stains on her cheeks and moved to her, concerned. "Hey, what's up?"
"Hey, I didn't know you were here. You look better now. No longer having trouble with your shoulder?" Alyssa asked. Izzy saw through her attempt to distract her.
"Lyssa, what happened? You've been crying."
"It's nothing new."
"Don't lie to me, Lyssa." Alyssa sighed in defeat. But before she could say anything, Jace walked in. She breathed in relief at the save from having to tell Izzy what had happened.
"Hey. Have either of you two seen Clary? I can't find her anywhere." Jace asked. Alyssa tensed at the mention of her sister and Jace noticed. He also noticed a mask slipping on her face, one she used to bring up when dealing with her sister in the past, when they were still at odds.
"No, I haven't. Not since you sent her my way." At the tone in her voice, Jace realized their talk might not have gone as well as he had hoped. Izzy, on the other hand, didn't notice any of this. She shrugged before answering.
"She's fine. She left with Alec a few hours ago." This made Alyssa's eyes widen in realization. Jace came to the same conclusion as she did and growled.
"That warlock."
"Warlock?" Izzy asked, confused.
"She wants to bring Jocelyn back to life." Alyssa said, explaining.
"That would require dark magic to do something like that." Izzy pointed out.
"And she decided to choose one of the warlocks in the city who has no qualms about using dark magic. I'm surprised Alec went along with her and didn't stop her." Alyssa said.
"She told you?" Jace asked.
"Yeah. She wanted me to help her and tried to play on my guilt to convince me. She didn't take it too kindly when I refused to help. And here I thought we were actually getting somewhere with us being sisters. Looks like I was wrong."
"Lys…" Jace tried to comfort her.
"Don't, Jace. Let's just go make sure she didn't put herself and Alec in danger." Alyssa said, then turned to walk away with Izzy and Jace on her heels.
Iris Rouse's House
Jace, Izzy, and Alyssa arrived at the house with Alyssa leading the way because she was the only one who knew the address off by heart.
"You two take the upstairs. I'll take the lower levels." Jace said.
"On it." Izzy said.
"Jace, be careful. There's a demon down there. I can smell it." Alyssa cautioned him.
"Always am." Jace said with a smile. He gave her a small kiss before the three of them parted ways. Alyssa and Izzy made their way inside into a hallway. From atop the stairs, they saw Alec on the floor, rendered immobile by Iris's magic, and Iris talking softly to a small girl.
"…Why don't you go back inside? And don't worry, I'm just playing with the man." Iris cooed to the girl.
"Playtime's over, Iris." Alyssa said from atop the stairs, announcing their presence to the warlock. Iris looked up with a hard look, recognizing Alyssa's voice. Izzy held her whip at the ready.
Iris stood up and threw a wave of her energy towards the two women on top of the stairs. Both Izzy and Alyssa dodged, but Izzy ended up falling down the stairs, rolling into a crouch. Alyssa jumped down next to Izzy. "Come on, Iris. You've gotta do better than that." Seeing that she was greatly outnumbered, especially with Alyssa there, Iris picked up the small girl.
"Put the girl down." Izzy ordered.
"Her name is Madzie and she's better off with me than left to fend for herself in this cruel world." Iris said, then opened a Portal. She turned back to the two female Shadowhunters. "You can save your sister, Alyssa Fairchild, but she still owes me a favor."
Alec groaned on the floor, catching everyone's attention. Using this momentary distraction, Iris stepped through the portal and disappeared.
"Izzy, Lyssa." Alec called weakly. The two of them knelt down beside him.
"Alec, are you okay?" Izzy asked, concerned.
"We have to find Clary." Alec said, slowly standing up.
The three of them immediately took the stairs down to the lower levels. When they got there, Alyssa's hearing picked up Jace's voice.
"Look, whatever just happened, let's just keep this between us." He said, making Alyssa wonder what he wanted to hide from the rest of them. They made their way into the room, seeing Jace and Clary standing together, with Clary unharmed, though she looked shaken. Alec let out a sigh of relief as he looked Clary over.
"There you are." He said.
"Are you okay?" Izzy asked her. Clary snuck a look at Jace quickly, but Alyssa caught it.
"Yeah, I'm fine." Alyssa looked between her sister and her husband, wondering what they were trying to hide. She couldn't get anything off Jace as he was mentally blacking her out.
"Ok, then let's get out of here." She said, still eyeing the two.
The Institute – Jace's Room
Alyssa got out of the shower just in time to hear someone knocking on the door.
"Come in." She picked up a robe from the bed and shrugged it on. Jace had left not long ago for the Rite of Mourning. The door opened to let Clary in. She was already dressed for the ceremony in a dress that Izzy had lent her and was holding another white dress that Alyssa was sure Izzy had given to the redhead to bring to her.
"Hey, um, Izzy asked me to bring you this dress for the ceremony. She said you barely have any white in your wardrobe."
"Yeah, just place it on the bed for me. Thank you." Alyssa said, then turned to take a hairbrush to brush through her hair. Clary stood awkward for a while, uncomfortable with the silence that urged her to speak up.
"Alyssa, I'm sorry for what I said earlier today. I…"
"Clary, please." Alyssa said, looking up at the girl. "I can't do this anymore. I can't keep letting you get close only for you to hurt me whenever it comes to your mother."
"I'm sorry. I didn't mean what I said earlier. I was just…"
"Angry? Angry that I wouldn't help you do something stupid that would have only hurt you in the end? Yeah well, I think you did mean what you said. People usually say what they really feel when they're either angry or inebriated. Those are the times when you have no inhibitions or filters and are able to express how you really feel."
"Alyssa, I didn't…"
"I'm sorry you lost your mother and I'm sorry for the hand I had in it, despite the fact that I had no control over what I was doing. But don't ask me to forgive Jocelyn or not feel angry at her for what she's done to me. She didn't do to you what she did to me, so you can never understand what I feel towards her."
"I'm sorry."
"Me too." Clary nodded and left the room. Alyssa looked up to the ceiling to push back her tears, took in a breath to compose herself, then went ahead to get ready.
Large Room
Every Shadowhunter in the Institute was gathered in the room, all wearing white to signify the mourning. The remaining Silent Brothers were there to participate in the ceremony. The bodies of the dead were all on raised table-like surfaces, petals of roses dropped on them, all lined up with spaces between for the relatives of the fallen to stand beside.
Alyssa walked in with Jace and Alec and they took their places, with Alyssa standing in the middle of both of them. She drew in a shuddering breath and let it out shakily at the sight of the bodies. Standing beside her, Jace placed his hand on her back and rubbed it, hearing her draw in a shaky breath.
"Are you alright?" He asked softly. Alyssa nodded. Alec had a disbelieving look on her face and Alyssa saw it.
"I'll be alright, Alec. I just need to get through this." Alec nodded and wrapped his arm around her, hugging her slightly. They were joined later by Clary and Izzy as the ceremony began with Victor taking his place in front of the bodies with the Silent Brothers.
"Those remaining will take their place with the fallen." Alyssa and Clary walked forward to stand next to Jocelyn's body, some of the Silent Brothers doing the same with their fallen. Seeing Clary barely holding it together, Alyssa took her sister's hand in hers. Clary looked up at her in surprise. Alyssa gave a small, weak smile and nodded slightly. Clary nodded back and looked forward again. "Those remaining will say the names of the fallen."
"Brother Micah." One of the Silent Brothers, Enoch announced.
"Pulvis et umbra sumus." The congregation chorused.
"Brother Jeremiah." Another of the Silent Brothers, Isaac said.
"For we are dust and shadows." The congregation chorused. It was now Alyssa and Clary's turn to speak Jocelyn's name.
"Jocelyn…" Clary tried to say, but her voice broke and she began crying. "Mom." Alyssa drew her into her arms and comforted her.
"Jocelyn Fairchild." She said clearly.
"Ave atque vale. Hail and farewell." The congregation chorused. The sisters returned to stand with everyone else. Alyssa passed Clary to Jace. The Silent Brothers, Enoch and Isaac with their steles, marked the bodies then stood on either side of Aldertree, facing the bodies and lifted their hands up. White mists rose from the bodies, "the souls," and went up into the ceiling, into the sky.
Unable to hold back her tears anymore, Alyssa slipped away, with Jace, Alec and Izzy watching after her sadly but neither following. She didn't make it very far before breaking down in the hallway of the living quarters. She slid down the wall she was leaning against and cried.
That was how Alec found her later when he came down the hallway. He immediately rushed to her side and pulled her into a hug, trying to calm her down, whispering comforting words into her ear. Jace, Clary, and Izzy found them later and Jace took her to their room.
Placing her on the bed, he took off her heels and his shoes, then his jacket, and joined her on the bed, pulling her into his arms to comfort her until she fell asleep.