Round 1: ROB vs Toon Link
"Greetings television viewers, and occupants of Smash City. My designation is ROB/NUS001, but I am better known as ROB," ROB's voice came through Smash Stadium's sound system.
"So, ROB," Nikki began, "Your tournament record has been less than stellar. In the two that you have been in, you haven't advanced past the first round,"
"Correct," ROB explained, "In the Brawl tournament my executive functioning was pre-occupied with the Subspace incident, and in Duel, I was overwhelmed by Meta-Knight, who was very determined,"
"Your opponent this time, Toon Link, has had a similar run of bad luck in tournaments. How do you plan to avoid a repeat performance as last time?"
"Toon Link uses projectiles nearly 85 percent of the time, the other 15 percent is devoted to other tactics. My statistics also show that this is unlike the other Links who utilize swords and their additional weapons at a 50/50 ratio. I intend to close the gap to contend with this strategy. It will be challenging to be sure,"
"One…more thing ROB," Nikki said, her voice wavering uneasily, "I took a look at all the training logs so I could ask relevant questions,"
ROB's machinery whirred, "Yes, your logins were noted throughout all of Physics Week."
"No, that's… not what I meant. When Sephiroth did the Heartless Angel attack, you were constantly saying you were searching, what were you searching for?"
"That was an artifact of my programming," ROB stated, "A blast of energy that severe was consistent with a Subspace Bomb, and I was stuck searching for an explosion that never was,"
"Oh God," Nikki's voice stammered, "Um… thank you for time,"
ROB nodded, "It was my pleasure, Nikki,"
Next played a short sizzle reel of Toon Link's best tournament accomplishment. Toon Link was then seen sitting in the interview seat, his crossed legs bouncing up and down uncontrollably.
"My name's Toon Link," nervously chirped the cell-shaded warrior, "And my opponent is ROB the Robot."
"Yes," came Nikki's voice, "And how do you plan to contend with another Smasher who's had a run of bad luck with tournaments as well?"
"Hey! You didn't have to bring it up! Lucas is a tough customer! Getting hit by his PK Missile is like Red Valoo sitting on you," ranted Toon Link.
The boy took a few breaths and continued.
"Oh, this question was about ROB, isn't it? Um… he likes to use lasers and those spinning tops, whatever they're called."
"Gyros," Nikki said.
"Ryu said that was a type of sandwich. But yeah, I've been training a lot with Link and Young Link on how to use my sword better, hopefully, this will pan out for me. Can I say something else before we go?"
"Sure,"
"Lucas, you might have gotten me in Brawl and in Duel, but we will meet here, and I'll finally show you what I'm made of."
ROB made his entrance first, moving unimpeded towards the center of the arena to minimal polite applause to what sounded like a mix of technical sounds.
"For those of you who are new, gamers might know this song as the Gyromite/Stack-Up mix, but this is actually a remix composed by ROB himself based on the sound of machines in Professor Hector's lab."
"Every time you say that it just makes me wish it was still around to see," bemoaned 9-Volt.
Next, a jaunty, orchestral version of The Great Sea theme hit. Toon Link appeared out of the tunnel, using his Hookshot to climb to the top to the cheers of the entire stadium. Toon Link took a bow before backflipping successfully off of the tunnel. On his walk to the center of the stage, he took out his magical conducting wand, The Wind Waker, and began to make music by swinging it in the air, swaying to the music, not unlike a ballerina as he walked.
"A theatrical entrance from the swashbuckling Toon Link," called 9-Volt excitedly.
Cranky blew a raspberry, "PAH! Waste of frames…"
"Yes yes, in your day you were happy to twitch across the screen and you liked it. Get some new material old man," 9-Volt interrupted.
"Boy, my new material is gonna be five across your ass if you don't can it!"
The music died down and Mills spoke, "The following contest is a Round 1 Match in the Ultimate tournament! The winner will face either Wolf or the Villager in the next round. Introducing first, in the corner to my left, he is from Subspace. He is the Last of His Kind, ROB!"
Again, polite applause filled the stadium.
"Introducing in the corner to my right. He is from the future of the Zelda Universe, he is the Wind Waking Warrior, he is Toon Link!"
Toon Link waved his conducting wand in the air one more time, generating a triumphant harp sound as the people cheered. After a final wave to the crowd, he put the wand away.
"If ROB wins the stage selection coin toss it will be Mario Bros. If Toon Link wins, the stage will be Pirate Ship. Gentlemen..."
Suddenly, ROB interrupted Mills, "I will defer the calling of the coin to Toon Link, as its 50/50 probability does not indicate it is disadvantageous for me to do so,"
"Oh, okay!" nodded Toon Link excitedly. "Heads!"
Mills flipped the coin, examining it once it had come to a stop on the ground, "Heads! The stage will be Pirate Ship. Rules are items on medium, two stocks. Smashers ready?"
Both competitors nodded, disappearing before the crowd.
Stage: Pirate Ship
Items: All, Medium
Music: Song of Storms
Toon Link appeared in a colorful, sulfurous burst of bomb smoke. ROB appeared in parts, the base falling first, then the rest of his parts snapping to the base.
3
2
1
GO!
Toon Link immediately bolted towards ROB, screaming a warcry. Leaping into the air, Toon Link sliced down upon the robot's head with a vertical slice. ROB responded to this by spinning his arms and upper body at a blinding speed.
"And Toon Link goes for the kill!" announced 9-Volt.
"Yeah," Cranky laughed, "And he got the ol' Arm Rotor for his trouble."
ROB flinched forward, expecting Toon Link to flop into the water that surrounded them, but Toon Link recovered midair, flipping behind ROB. Toon Link wound up as ROB turned, smacking him with his sword as if it were a baseball bat. ROB attempted the same maneuver, but instead of landing poised to strike his opponent, ROB landed in such a way that the two were back to back.
"ERROR!" ROB bellowed.
Toon Link whipped around, nailing ROB with another two-handed striking blow. Toon Link threw his Boomerang, ROB began to charge his laser, but miscalculated by a second, the wooden projectile striking ROB's head just as the laser was primed to fire. ROB put up his shield as Toon closed the distance. A bevy of slashes saw the Master Sword bounce off the shield. Toon paused, which caused ROB to drop his shield, flopping through the air onto a replica of The King of Red Lions, the robot narrowly flew above an arrow shot by Toon, only to allow himself to flop back into the water. As Toon Link's face twisted in confusion, he shrunk.
"What happened?" barked 9-Volt.
"Poison mushroom boyo!" howled Cranky, "I don't care how many of yer cells are shaded, if you can't dodge a slowly slithering enemy, you might as well be a Tiger handheld!"
An Assist Trophy appeared. ROB easily beating the shrunken Toon Link in the race to it. As ROB held it aloft, Riki appeared. As the magic-user began to yammer in a mix of Noponese and English, Toon Link returned to normal size. ROB parried an upward thrust version of the move that ended Ganondorf in midair, allowing the robot to flip in midair, activating his thrusters, burning the young Hylian, Striking Toon Link in an arm swipe, Toon Link fell to the main level of the boat as Riki spurted out a sleep spell. Immediately, Riki motored through Noponese magic spell, causing a sparkly pink aura to surround both competitors.
"Launch rate has increased by 50 percent," ROB announced.
"Thanks for letting me know!" said a cheery Toon Link.
ROB went to meet Toon Link on the main level of the ship, firing his laser at the floor of the boat, causing it to bounce diagonally and wiz through the air, completely missing Toon Link, who had decided to run full sprint at ROB, slashing him with his sword, just as he did, a bomb launched from a mounted cannon several feet away connected with him, causing Toon Link to fly away from a burst of multi-colored smoke.
"What'd I tell ya, boy! Young Master Toon is so broke he can barely pay attention!" Cranky screamed.
Toon Link managed to jump forward, however, throwing a boomerang, which once again connected with ROB.
"Toon Link may be a bit of a goof, but he's got resilience. He is the wielder of the Triforce of Courage after all," snapped 9-Volt.
"Triforce Pieforce," Cranky guffawed, "The real Link could only rank number four in my Video Game Hero Coin challenge, that idiot."
"Oh, you mean those arbitrary ass challenges you had to buy a Nintendo Power strategy guide to find?" countered 9-Volt as ROB and Toon Link dodged around each other's strikes on the stern of the ship.
"And I bought my ass a carnival, screwed over some chumps, and I used that to buy a villa in freakin' Glitzville. It's all about the hustle son, you'll understand when you're older."
Toon Link, meanwhile, broke away from the strike exchange to feign firing an arrow, ROB summoned his Gyro Launcher, firing it at Toon, who caught it mid-jump, throwing it at ROB, the spiking top making an ugly grating sound as it sliced across ROB. As ROB flopped back into the water screaming a chorus of "error" Toon Link tossed a boomerang, hoping ROB would leap into it. However, the Robotic Operating Buddy saw it coming, leaping over the boomerang, bringing his metallic arms down on Toon Link's head. When the young adventurer attempted to woozily close the gap, Rob launched a double pincer punch at Toon Link's knees, sending him to all fours with a grunt of pain. At that moment, a Final Smash appeared. On instinct, Toon Link produced a bomb, throwing it at ROB, producing yet another smog of many colors.
"VISIBILITY AT ZERO PER-"ROB began to shout,
Toon Link cut him off with an arch-shaped swipe, knocking his opponent into the air. The cell-shaded boy leaped into the air, holding his sword above his head to poke the Smash Ball. When the orb of mystical energy came to a rest on one of the crow's nest platforms, he slashed it as hard as he could. As the Smash Ball floated aimlessly to the bow of the ship, Toon Link ran to attack it, attempting to fire an arrow at it. However, the stern was wetter than he expected, so when he skidded to a stop, he lost his footing, manage to fire the arrow mid-fall, but landing right on his tailbone. As the pain from the impact and the dread of watching an arrow whiz past the Smash Ball set it, it was all made worse by ROB leaping over him, firing a laser, and taking the Smash Ball's Power for himself easily.
"HECTOR DEFENSE SYSTEM ACTIVATE!" ROB proclaimed.
ROB's neck extended, his head twisting into a position that made Toon Link think of the cannons of his homeworld more than anything else. As he was pelted by the lasers that foretold the coming of the mega laser, the third bolt pelted him too far into the air. Toon Link managed to avoid the main laser entirely with his Spin Attack! Toon Link pointed his sword down, hoping the momentum of his fall would get him an appointment with the center of ROB's weirdly shaped head. However, the invincibility granting power of the Smash Ball managed to linger for just a second longer. As Toon Link pulled his sword out of the ground, ROB began to explain, "You mistimed your movement by 3.1 nano-"
With a shriek of hot, embarrassed anger, Toon Link slashed ROB hard enough to send him spiraling onto the King of Red Lions. As he did, a Pokeball appeared. A Mimikyu popped out of the ball. ROB immediately leaped at him, grabbed him, and piledrove him into the ground with the consistency of a jackhammer. As Toon Link sat stunned, buried halfway in the ground, ROB wound up his Arm Rotor, but a clawed, demonic hand emerged from the idol Mimikyu. The hand, cupped over ROB's entire body, dragging it under the cloth that was its body. As ROB thrashed helplessly, dark energy spurted out from underneath the Mimikyu, damaging ROB. Toon Link added to the fray by wildly swinging his sword. Eventually, ROB disappeared in a burst of color otherwise indicative of having fallen to the blast zone. The tarp that was the Mimikyu's form flopped to the ground.
Toon Link: 2
ROB: 1
"What…the..." 9-Volt stuttered.
"Queen, King, and Prince Banana Bird. Remind me to give the Chained Kongs a call sometime," Cranky huffed in shock.
"They're still chained?" 9-Volt exclaimed.
"It's a cultural thing but I'd rather not get into that right now."
As ROB jumped down from the revival platform the pirate ship crashed into a rock. Toon Link jumped down to the rock, firing arrows and boomerangs aplenty, none of which struck the robot who expertly danced around them with millisecond precision. Toon Link attempted to jump up to fire more projectiles, but ROB found itself directly underneath him. Its arms spinning at light speed. Knocking the heavily damaged Hylian into the air, Toon Link responded by pointing his sword downward, its weight coasting him down onto ROB's head.
"Brilliant! Just as we saw with Little Mac earlier, Toon Link uses the gravity rules of Smash to his advantage," Cranky explained.
"You see technical strategies like these among the weaker, smaller Smashers, and Toon Link is no exception," 9-Volt agreed.
Toon Link backflipped off of ROB's head, and the ship began to wade through the water again. As Toon Link raised his sword to inflict more pain, ROB fired a gyro right into Toon Link's face, the sharp top grazing his face. As Toon cleared the tears out of his eyes, he saw ROB going for a Golden Hammer that had dropped in the crow's nest. Similarly, an Assist Trophy landed right before him. Toon Link held it above his head activating it. Prince Sable appeared, speaking something in Japanese, before transforming into a blue snake. The transforming royal met ROB as he jumped down swinging the Golden Hammer wildly to the music. The Prince managed to obstruct ROB's movement at first, barraging him with blows in a cartoonish dust cloud. However, the prince stopped his barrage and was summarily annihilated by the Golden Hammer. Toon Link attempted to dodge the oncoming onslaught with a flipping jump, but he undershot it, introducing his skull into an intimate relationship with the magical hammer, and the top blast zones.
Toon Link: 1
ROB: 1
As Toon Link was whisked away to the healing aura of the Healing Plant and back onto the revival platform, he saw ROB hoisting a box that had just appeared. Toon Link jumped off the revival platform, pointing his sword down, hoping to shatter the box and get the robot off guard. At the last second, ROB tossed the box up. The box shattered, the box exploding on his chest. Then, Toon Link felt ROB's Rotor attack slap him multiple times with his sharp pincers. Then, as quickly as the pincers had been bludgeoning his face, they grabbed him by the throat. He heard the roar of ROB's rockets, the wind of flight, and then felt as if he and ROB were being pulled into a slingshot. He felt the sprinkle of stardust, a sensation he knew well from having Rosalina's Lumas prance around him.
Wait, is this a Launch Star? Toon Link's inner voice slurred.
Sure enough, the slingshot that ROB had damned them both to slung forward…into another Launch Star. This time, Toon Link could see what was up ahead, his eyes widening in abject horror.
"And I think Toon Link just noticed!" Cranky shouted, "ROB set up a Launch Star chain, the last of which is planted vertically. The momentum will take them up to the Blast Zone, no doubt!"
"Even more amazing is how quickly ROB set it up after that box broke open," added 9-Volt, "Was ROB waiting for something like this all along?"
Toon Link closed his eyes. The Launch Star shot them forward, and upward. As they both entered the Blast Zone, Toon Link was finally pried out of ROB's grasp and felt himself spiraling slowly down. Toon Link had been through this and seen it play out. He and ROB were being set up for a Star KO, in which the lucky loser was sent hurtling down in the background of the stage. While normally used in Smash events with more than two competitors in them, nothing was preventing the spectacle from happening in a 1 vs. 1 match. And so, all Toon Link could do was wait.
He felt the Healing Plant once again…and then felt…cobblestone?
TOON LINK WINS!
"ROB TOOK A RISK AND GOT A BIG FAT 'L' FOR HIS TROUBLE! UNBELIEVABLE!"
"You could say ROB 404'd on that one!" chirped 9-Volt to his colleague's uproarious laughter.
"Keep your nerd humor to that deplorable forum with the green text punk," Cranky growled, his eyes narrowing.;
Meanwhile, Toon Link had stood up in the Smash Courtyard, still numb with shock, only managing to make music with The Wind Waker just as the camera drones appeared, ending on a dramatic pose, standing on one leg and smirking confidently into the camera.
Mister Zero, meanwhile, was interviewing ROB, "Tell us about what happened out there boss," Mister Zero said.
"Initiating explanation dot E.X.E," ROB announced coldly, "I made what some may call a Hail Mary play and miscalculated. Initiating Congratulations dot E.X.E. Congratulation Toon Link, job well done,"
With that, ROB began to wheel back towards the Smashers Box. Next, all eyes in Smash Stadium were on Rita interviewing Toon Link. Before she could even get a question out, Toon Link jumped up, grabbing the mic from her, "OH MY GOD! WOO! I WON! I'D LIKE TO THANK MY GRANDMA FOR BELIEVING IN ME!" he blubbered, running up the tunnel.
Toon Link burst through the tunnel. Young Link leaped into Toon's waiting arms, the two boys laughing as they fell to the floor, blanketed by the applause of the rest of the room. Link pulled Young Link off of Toon, while Zelda helped the cell-shaded boy to his feet, "By the Goddesses' love, that was incredible. You did it Toon!" she cheered.
"Heh, barely," grumbled Ganondorf loud enough for everyone to hear.
The room quieted, every one of the 100 plus eyes on Ganondorf.
"Slow old loser says what?" giggled Sans, breaking the silence.
"What?" Ganondorf hissed.
"HA! GOT 'EM!" cheered Sans, teleporting around the room to high five Dante, the entirety of DLC, and the rest of the Zelda contingent amidst a sea of laughter.
"And the next match is…" Cranky announced on the TV.
As the room fell to silence, the matches were once again flipped through, before stopping on…
"RITCHER VS. KING K. ROOL!"
"Ritcher, Tunnel A. Rool, Tunnel B," Mario announced
King K. Rool sneered, pushing past people to get to Tunnel B. As Ritcher turned to leave, Simon intercepted him, cupping his hands on his cheek, "Boy, you represent the Belmont line today. Do not fail me."
"Don't worry about it Gramps," Ritcher laughed.
"This is not a laughing matter," growled Simon, "You've become more flippant since we arrived, and should that result in a loss for you today, I am not above taking you over my knee," snarled the elder Vampire Hunter.
Ritcher pulled away, "I'll uh, keep that in mind," he said as he slunk down Tunnel B to a whispered smatter of giggles from the Smashers nearby.