Round 1: Altair vs. Sans
Altair's introductory splash screen appeared, showing the white-robed man with his head bowed and hands clasped in prayer.
"My name is Altaïr Ibn-La'Ahad and I represent the Assassination State of Masyaf. The consensus around the Smash Mansion is that I dislike, even hate Sans," began Altair as the footage transitioned to him being interviewed early in the day, "But it is the opposite. I respect Sans for his commitment to his people. However, his antics inspire neither faith in his prowess as a warrior or his usefulness as an ally. For some reason that even the tapestry of the universe cannot properly explain, he has pulled the wool over those in power here. I plan to expose his weakness, but I plan to do so out of a desire for him to become better. Have I sufficiently answered your questions?"
"Oh…um...yes," Nikki stammered.
"Thank you for your time ma'am," Altair said, standing up, bowing, and stepping out of the camera's view in one swift movement.
Sans' splash screen was next, shrugging his signature shrug at the camera.
"My name's Sans, Sans the Skeleton, and I represent the Human-Monster Alliance,"
"Something intrigued me as I was looking at mansion records," Nikki began, "You are the only Smasher who has logged zero hours of training time. Why?"
"Well, I kinda ended up here by happenstance, and staying on board meant getting in this tournament. Plus, I'm not one for planning anyway. If I win, I win, if I lose, I lose."
"Oh, okay," Nikki answered, clearly flustered, "Altair is…"
"A cool dude, but I've been his roommate for a week at least. The Brawler, Quinn, is a bit of a tougher nut to crack, but I've been playing Altair like a cello ever since I got here, and we're about to do that crescendo that goes on for about 30 seconds too long."
"O-kay," Nikki said, "Thank you for your time,"
"Anytime," said Sans, teleporting out of the room.
"Depressed millennial piece of trash…" Cranky muttered.
"King K. Rool is gone, you can turn off the bah humbug anytime," sighed 9-Volt.
"I don't like the meme boy either. Altair is serious and disciplined, just like every video game hero should be," Cranky crowed.
"Seven Stars it's gonna be a long day. Futaba?" asked 9-Volt.
"Do you wanna have a bad time?" Futaba asked the viewing audience as the feed cut to her, "Cause your wallet's gonna have a bad time if you bet against Sans. Anybody who's played Undertale knows what I'm talkin' about."
"Yeah, I played it, and I do," 9-Volt agreed.
"Bah, you and your morality choices! In my day you knew who the good guy was and who the bad guy was," interjected Cranky.
9-Volt only sighed as Altair's music hit, a frantic duet of drums and chimes. Altair sprinted to the center of the stage, not even acknowledging the polite applause of the crowd.
"This song is an instrumental composed in memory of Altair long after his passing, called 'Altair Escapes,'" 9-Volt explained.
"If I didn't know any better I'd say he was trying to outrun having a theme song," Cranky quipped, "Can't say I blame him though. So now I guess we can throw it down to…"
"Ohhh yes," a foppish voice echoed over the arena loudspeaker.
"Sans'…entrance," Cranky trailed, caught by surprise.
The lights in the arena shut off. The middle point of the floor opened, and multi-colored fog began to billow from the middle of the stage, Altair covering his mouth and nose. At the same time, an electric guitar cord wailed through the arena speakers. Ascending from an elevator in the floor, a tall, lanky silhouette could be made out. A single spotlight blared down on the figure, revealing a metallic man with a haircut, not unlike the one seen in male K-Pop stars and an attractive face.
"Greetings darlings," said the robot in an effeminate male voice, "I am Mettaton and I will be the personal ring announcer for the next combatant."
At those words, a dramatic synth tune began to play, increasing in tempo and ferocity, while stock footage of Planet Earth and natural events such as waterfalls and flowers blooming appeared on the monolith of video screens.
"And now," Mettaton began, " He is one of the Cruel Brawl survivors He is one of the top 100 Smashers in the world, The Underground Magazine's most jobs award recipient 2018, Grillby's hamburger eating contest champion 2017. He has broken the Asgore "Underground's coolest guy scale" seven times and has the highest rated trombone and electric triangle performance of all time. He is so fluent in Comic Sans that he sometimes makes those "graphic designs are my passion" memes. He once performed in NORTH CAROLINA! He stands 3 ft tall, weighing 90 pounds, he is SAAAAAAAAAAAAANS THEEEEEE SKELETONNNNNN!"
The lights were off Mettaton now and on the entrance ramp. The music had parlayed into a jam band electric guitar instrumental of the refrain "Thriller." Two trombone-holding women dressed in Toriel's signature tunic go-go danced on either side of a white sheet, on which Sans' unmistakable shadow was cast. The girls used the trombones as dancing batons for a few moments longer, the music dropping off. As the blaring guitars of the next part of the song kicked in, the sheet was sucked away as Sans sauntered to the applause of the crowd.
Are you ready for this?
Are you ready for this?
I hear the Battle Cry
Under the Devil's Sky
The One-Winged Angel flies
Are you ready to go?
Are you ready for this?
"As he calls upon the power of Kenny Omega from All Elite Wrestling…" 9-Volt began as Sans stopped strutting to center stage to cast a thumbs up to some raucous audience members.
"What in the blue hell did you just say to me?" Cranky growled, cutting him off.
"Don't get pissy at me, I got it from the powers that be to read."
Then, mid-stride, Sans teleported away.
"Banana Bird's sake where did he go now," shouted Cranky.
The camera found him on a stairwell in the seats of Smash Stadium, where he was mobbed by fans, posing in his shrugging stance. He then teleported away again. This time he teleported to the opposite side of the stadium, stealing a man's popcorn and pouring it into an eye socket. He then teleported to the Human-Monster Alliance VIP box, bro-hugging Papyrus, rustling Frisk's hair, and blowing a kiss to a blushing Toriel. It was then that he teleported for a final time to the center of the arena, staring down Altair. The skeleton shook hands with Mettaton, who, as he struck one final ballet pose, went back down the elevator from whence he came.
"Introductions for Sans have already been done, so, introducing in the corner to my left, he is from the Assassin's Creed Universe, he is the Father of Assassination, he is ALTAIR!"
Polite applause from the Assassin's Creed section, plus a smattering of more raucous cheers from other sections could be heard as Altair simply nodded to the fans.
"If Altair wins the coin toss, the stage will be Jerusalem. If Sans win the coin toss, the stage will be Snowdin Town. Call it gentlemen, heads or tails," explained Mills as he flipped the coin into the air.
"Eh, heads I guess."
"HEADS!" Mills declared as the coin hit the ground, flopping to one side.
"Eyyyyyy," cheered Sans.
"The stage will be Snowdin Town, items medium, two stocks. Smashers, are you ready?
"If you say yes bud, you're really not gonna like what happens next," Sans said with a sigh.
"Yes," Altair snarled, glaring daggers at his skeletal roommate.
Again, Sans sighed as the two were teleported away.
Stage: Snowdin Town
Items: All, Medium
Music: Megalovania (Smash Remix)
As Altair was hit with a blast of cold in his new surroundings, he sniffed the air.
Cow meat? wondered the assassin.
Stealing a glance over to his right, he saw an eating establishment, a smokestack billowing the filth that these people ate. The name of the place was "Grillby's if his English was correct. As Sans mugged for the camera, Altair also noticed a rogue platform, not unlike one of the structures on Battlefield, bouncing across the snow in front of Sans.
3
2
1
GO!
Altair slowly approached Sans, who was strutting to the middle of the arena. When they were in striking range, Altair took up his combat stance. Sans, in contrast, stood slouched, his hands in the pockets of his gym shorts.
"It's a beautiful day outside," Sans pondered, looking around, "Grillby's is cookin', snow's falling. On days like these, people like you, with all the LOVE you have, should be…"
SLASH! Altair grazed Sans across the cheek. When Sans turned back to say something else, his eyes widened. Altair was glowing green, similar to when one picked up a star to Mario's world.
"Here, I have what is called First Strike Advantage. My sword attacks have more power as well. What do you say to that?" Altair taunted.
Sans cast a glance down at his Smash Communicator, which had the damage tally for both himself and Altair. 20 percent damage from one strike.
"Agh, goddamnit. You wouldn't be much for monologues would you?" cursed Sans, jumping onto the rogue rolling platform, "At least I got this. Reminds me of a bouncy castle."
Sans shot a tiny blast from his Gaster Blaster, which anti-climatically dissipated, Altair jumped into the air, sent tumbling out of his jump when the air where the anticlimactic blast of energy had fizzled.
"Heh, I call that Shortcut bab-" Sans began, but was cut off when Altair closed the distance with a few throwing stars of light. Altair jumped onto the rolling platform slashed Sans several times with his sword, Sans tripped off of the platform, feebly putting his hands up to block the attacks. Altair simply waited for the oaf to stand, and began slashing him again. Sans sent staggering backward dangerously close to the blast zone.
"And I call those Light Shurikens," boasted Altair. Between fiddling around with the acceptable combat techniques of this realm, and the world of knowledge I have gained from the Apple of Eden, I have learned much. Have you? Or have you let your brain rot in front of the television this entire time?"
"I've learned..." Sans started.
Sans unleashed a Shortcut blast but detonated it as soon as he unleashed it. Altair screamed, covering his eyes.
"…That I have the world's dopest pocket sand," finished the skeleton.
Altair immediately began to throw light Shurikens, which grazed the skeleton.
"Heh, you can see me when I've near blinded you. Must be that Eagle Vision business. Cool beans!" encouraged Sans.
Suddenly, Altair struck a three-point stance.
"What're you about to do, like Link's spin attack or someth-"
Altair began to roll through the air, intent on steamrolling Sans.
"N-OH MY GO-"
Sans was cut off by Altair's full body weight clocking him, sending him into the blast zone.
Altair: 2
Sans: 1
Cranky howled with laughter, "And just like that Altair shuts the lazy gen-z flag bearer up. You really do love to see it."
"Ehhh I don't know," offered 9-Volt, "Sans has Altair mad. Mister Bad Time probably is just waiting for Altair to make a mistake."
Meanwhile, in the Smashers' Box, this was the topic of conversation, split evenly down the middle. Meanwhile, Akechi sat near the front of the room, sneering, "These idiots. They don't know the power this skeleton has, and from the looks of it, the assassin doesn't either."
"So you sensed it too eh?" Dante asked as he pushed through the arguing crowd, "When he zoned out?"
"I spent more time in the Metaverse than Joker and his brigand of idiots, and without a navigator. As a result, I became attuned to the energy beings with powers give off. Sans is amongst the strongest people here in terms of power, but it's chaotic, like a tornado," Akechi explained, shooting a smirk over his shoulder at the devil hunter, "Much like your own,"
Dante nodded, "Maybe that's why we bonded, masking the incredible responsibility we have behind jokes."
Akechi opened his mouth to say more, but Makoto had wormed her way through the crowd to watch the match beside him. He put a hand on her back, completely tuning out the presence of the Son of Sparda.
"I can see this is an A and B conversation, so I'll see myself out," Dante said with a shrug, going back to his feet.
Meanwhile, on the Snowdin stage, Altair and Sans had been circling each other. Hands twitched at rune swords and Gaster Blasters alike when an Assist Trophy appeared. Sans shrugged, "Take it, man, I'm overdue for a date with the bouncy platform," Sans said, jumping onto the platform and riding it.
Altair jumped backward, never taking his eyes off his opponent, unveiling the contents of the Trophy, Zero. Zero flew through the air. The red robot slashed at the air in front of him, Three green blasts erupted forth, striking Sans off of the bouncy platform once again. Almost as if déjà vu was striking them, Sans teetered on the edge of the blast zone. A final fourth green beam launched through the air, barrelling towards Sans.
"SPACE-TIME CONTINUUM HOO-AH!" bellowed Sans, just as the laser was about to strike him.
A warbling field of space-time engulfed him, swallowing the blast. Altair watched in complete horror as Sans' damage percentage, which was in the high 80s, dwindled down to nothing. The assassin was only snapped out of his nightmares when Zero announced he was vacating the battlefield.
"W-what? How? What sorcery?" Altair's voice faltered.
"It's the law of anime man. Sure, I can heal normally, but if I say the whole name, I get all my damage reduced."
"Why do you subscribe to this law?" demanded Altair.
"Do you see all the anime swordsmen we have around here? Gotta give me an edge."
Just as Altair re-adopted his fighting stance, a Final Smash appeared.
"MINE!" Sans bellowed.
He cocked the Gaster Blaster, charging as Altair attempted to break the Ball open with frantic sword slashes. He fired, striking both Altair and the Smash Ball. Sans charged and fired a second, with the same result. As his body splay from the force of the blows, Altair's foot made contact with the broken Smash Ball, granting him the power. At first on his back, then scrambling to his knees, Altair balked as his muscles exploded under the sensation of the Smash Core, "So much power," remarked the assassin, "I have not felt such a sensation since I used the Apple of Eden. Its magic must be similar somehow."
PEW!
Another charged shot collided with Altair, followed up with a Shortcut blast, sending the surprised Assassin off stage.
Altair: 1
Sans: 1
Sans cupped both his hands in front of him, "He wasn't paying attention! You know I had to do it to 'em"
Altair jumped off of the revival platform. Two items fell from the sky, a Beam Sword and a Healing Plant. Both men dove for the beam sword. As the two grappled for a few seconds, Sans changed his grip so that only his free hands rested upon the hilt of the Beam Sword, as opposed to gripped in the maw of the Gaster Blaster. Firing the Gaster Blaster behind him, Sans was launched headfirst into Altair's stomach. Sans backflipped backward as the Iranian assassin coughed violently, gently setting the beam sword down in the snow, throwing the Healing Plant to Altair. The plant opened, and a soothing green light erupted into the sky.
"That looked like that hurt bro. Heal up."
"What?" snarled Altair, still trying to catch his breath.
Sans jumped back onto the Bouncy Platform again, bouncing into the healing aura of the Healing Plant.
"Heal up," Sans repeated, a bit more forcefully this time.
"You insult me,"
"Fine, I'm just gonna hang out on this bouncy castle if you plea-,"
Mid-sentence, Sans dove for the Beam Sword, Altair dove for it as well, rolling into the dive, the dismount of the dive leading to a kick to Sans' jaw. The skeleton wobbled while managing to grab the beam sword for himself. A Fire Flower appeared right at Altair's foot. He grabbed it, squeezing the stem, causing the orange flower to spew fire. Altair walked forward, causing Sans to walk backward. Once again, they were on Blast Zone's door, Sans inches away from being out of the tournament once again. Just then, a Heart Piece appeared, beginning its descent to the ground. Both fighters jumped up to grab it. Sans was there first, as once again, his health dissipated to zero, Sans licked where his lips would be, "Hm. This isn't strawberry-banana flavored. Disappointing."
"You…" hissed Altair.
Beam Sword and rune sword clashed, once, twice, three times. Altair slashed harder this time, causing sparks to spew from the shared matter between the two swords. The explosion caught the assassin off guard. As he rubbed his eyes to regain his vision, he felt something being lobbed in his direction. On instinct, he caught it. The hilt of a sword? Altair heard the hum of technology he did not understand, the Beam Sword?
"Figured you deserved a turn. It'd be rude if I didn't let you play Jedi too." Sans explained.
His vision still blurred, Altair asked, "You would give away a weapon?"
"Well yeah. Bein' a Jedi was fun, but I had some other occupations in mind."
It was only now that Altair's vision returned to normal. It was now that he could see his roommate was wearing the ears of a rabbit.
"Like being an Easter Bunny,"
Sans jumped into the air, a burst of fire erupting from the Gaster Blaster, once again staggering the assassin.
"Or a snow bunny,"
Sans jumped higher into the air, spiking Altair into the air. The gravity of Smash dictating that Altair bounced off the ground like a basketball.
"Or, my favorite since joining the human world, a Playboy Bunny!"
With his target above him, Sans fired four rapid firey laser hybrid blasts into the air.
Another Smash Ball appeared, Sans spiked a falling Altair onto the ground again with the Gaster Blaster, running to Altair as he rolled away. Sans executed a running punch aided with a burst of fire, putting Altair right in the area of the Smash Ball. With a horrid scream, Altair thrust his sword as hard as he could into the heart of the Smash Ball, breaking it, and absorbing its power.
"THIS TOMFOOLERY ENDS NOW! FINAL EDGE!" Altair roared.
Slashing madly at the air, beams of light shot out as he did. To Altair's dismay, his opponent weaved around the onslaught, and when he couldn't avoid it, he absorbed it with Space-Time Continuum. Altair sat completely opened mouthed at his work. His opponent was better off than how he began. This was the complete opposite of everything he knew.
"What?" Sans taunted, aiming a Ray Gun he grabbed in the chaos at Altair's open mouth, "Did you think I wouldn't know how to deal with bullet hell?"
Sans fired all ten laser blasts as Altair first staggered, then withered at the volley of shots.
"Heh," said Sans, twirling the empty gun on his finger, "Counter terrorists win,"
Sans paused, "Wait a minute, nononono, I didn't mean to call you a terrorist. God, I sound so racist,"
Yet another Assist Trophy appeared. Altair barrelled towards it, having played possum for the longest while.
"You know what? I deserve this. You get this one."
Altair unveiled his second Assist Trophy. The portly form of Samurai Goroh chortled, swinging his sword widly. Eventually, Sans experienced tournament loss by a thousand cuts.
Or, he would have, if he hadn't found himself slumped up against the Bouncy Platform as Goroh disappeared. Sans aimed a Charged Shot at a wobbling Altair, firing, and connecting with his target. Jumping into the air with another Charged Shot, firing it, and it connected with his already doomed opponent. A colorful explosion noted the end of the game. Sans felt all the energy leave his body, faceplanting into the snow. All he could do was laugh. He had won.