800
Smash City
TV studio
800
"YO YO YO!" A voice shouted.
"YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS!" shouted another.
The lights in the studio dramatically clicked on, revealing two familiar squids and five eliminated Smash competitors sat in a set of store-bought Halloween decorations.
"IT'S OFF THE HOOK!" Pearl and Marina
"You know how it goes folks," Marina said, "We ask the experts who they think will be match of the night in Round 5, and who's their favorite to win the whole thing."
"Except," Pearl interjected, "We'll also be asking what team they'll be pulling for in the Splatoween event!"
The crowd 'oohed' as Pearl and Marina gestured to their guest.
"First, it's the runner up on the 12 side of the bracket, Donkey Kong!"
To the applause of his peers, DK flexed, smiling broadly.
"So Mister Kong, what match are you looking forward to the most?" asked Marina.
"Cloud versus Sephiroth," Donkey Kong grunted.
"That has been a huge match people have been looking forward to ever since the tournament started. But who do you think will win the whole thing?"
Donkey Kong nodded, grinning as answered "Luigi,"
Marina's eyes went wide, "Really? Even with Sephiroth and Red on the run of his life still in this thing?"
"Yup," Donkey Kong nodded again, "He'd better, if he's the one to take me out."
Pearl shrugged, "Fair enough. What team are you pulling for on Splatoween?"
"Team Zombie, for sure,"
"Cool. Thank you Donkey Kong for stopping by," Marina said with a warm smile, " Next up we have an administrator and a Melee veteran .Please welcome Marth!"
Marth waved politely to the cheers of the crowd in attendance.
"What match are you looking forward to the most?" curiously asked Pearl.
"Cloud versus Sephiroth should be an amazing display of swordsmanship, and as a swordsman myself, I am looking forward to seeing what I can learn through simple observation."
"Alright, so who's taking the whole thing?"
"Cloud. I have the opportunity to fight him last tournament. Therefore, I do not believe it to be beyond reason that Cloud cannot vanquish his old enemy and take the title twice in a row!"
"A vigorous statement from a well-trusted source," dramatically exposited Pearl, "What's your Splatoween team?"
Marth smiled, "Out of respect for the many magic users I've encountered in my travels, I must align myself with Team Witches."
"You could say that's a 'w' for Team Witches," Marina joked, pausing for laughter, "But anyway, next we have a stalwart of the Brawl class, the one, the only Solid Snake!"
Snake seemed to stiffen on instinct as the crowd applauded his introduction.
"So, what do you think will be the match to watch?"
"Well Miss Pearl," Snake said, "As a close personal friend I would have to say Cloud versus Sephiroth. That said as well, I think Cloud will take the whole thing."
"Splatoween team?" eagerly asked Pearl.
"Ghosts," Snake shuddered, "I've dealt with the supernatural enough to know anyone backing them, even if just for appearances, will win."
"Alrighty! Thanks Snake," Marina said, "Next we have the interdimensional traveler himself, and a fan favorite of the Duel tournament, it's RYU!"
Ryu mirrored Marth's polite wave as the crowd applauded him.
"What would your match of the night be?" asked the eager squid.
"Forgive my impoliteness, but I believe Cloud and Sephiroth are the best warriors we have, so seeing them battle will be an event for the ages!"
"The best warriors including you?" joked Pearl.
Ryu shook his head, "I am far from the greatest warrior in the Super Smash Brothers, There is still much to learn for me."
"Wow," cooed Marina, "So humble,"
The audience laughed as Ryu blushed.
"So, who do you think will take it all?"
Ryu sighed, "Quinn, for he is a great-"
That got a mixed reaction from the crowd, some cheers, some boos. Ryu frowned.
"The media is poison," Ryu angrily announced, "Quinn is a good man who wished to learn more about Ken, and he took the initiative. He just happened to break a rule in the process."
Those who had been booing were only invited to boo more at Ryu's attempt at public relations.
"Alright y'all, simmer down," snapped Pearl, "So Ryu, got any stake in the Splatoween event?"
"As a close friend of mine is a witch, I'm obligated to say Team Witches," Ryu said with a sigh.
"Okay, thanks for your time," Pearl said, gesturing to her next guest, "Last but certainly not least we have the eccentric ninja representing the Ultimate class, Yoshimitsu!"
"Grrreeetings!" Yoshimitsu announced.
As the crowd applauded, Marina jumped right into her question, "What's your match of the night for Round 5?"
"Why, Cloud versus Sephiroth of course!"
"WOW!" Off the Hook balked at his answer, "FIVE FOR FIVE!"
"This is the first time we've had total agreement on our little panel, so everyone please give our fine guests a round of applause!" Pearl further explained.
When they did, they continued with their questions, "Who will be the one to take it all?"
"After much consideration," Yoshimitsu began, "I believe Sir Luigi will take the belts. He is the most clever with items, therefore, he will win. Sephiroth has barely taken advantage of his environment, and I believe that will be his undoing. As far as this Splatoween event, I have personally seen the undead rise from their resting places, so I must go with Team Zombies."
"So has everyone you goof, it's where those blocky people set up shop!" yelled a random audience member.
"Hey man go kelp yourself get that guy out of here," Marina shouted, pointing to the man.
The audience cheered as he was ushered away by security.
"Well," Pearl sighed, "That's a hilarious segment transition,"
"That's showbiz baby!" shouted Marina, forcing a laugh, "After this commercial, what Splatoween candy is safe for Cornerians and Animal Crossing villagers, as well as some racial don'ts while attending your Splatoween party!"
The audience clapped again as the show faded to commercial.
Luigi
Smash City
Mario Section
Koopa Milk Tea
830
Luigi glanced around the tiny building in which he and Yoshi occupied a table. On this breezy morning, the occupancy was split down the middle. Twenty-five Japanese salarymen, and Twenty-five Koopas, each happily drinking their various teas as a jazzy version of "Do the Mario" played over the speakers. Every once in a while Luigi would catch a curious Koopa glance at the table at which they sat in the dead center of the tea shop. It certainly didn't help that Yoshi's dog Poochy, and Polterpup lay underneath the table, napping peacefully.
The attention didn't seem to bother the immortal wiseman of the Yoshi tribe, who's feet were reclined in the garden chairs.
"Ya know," Luigi said, "I don't think I ever really noticed the Koopa Kingdom's entire culture was so…Japanese, is the word?"
"You gotta remember kiddo," Yoshi said, "Half of you and Mario's adventures were in Mushroom Kingdom territories, or at least places that were territories, like my island, hence the European Castle design."
"I guess-a," Luigi pondered, "Just feel like an ignoramus, never noticing."
Yoshi slurped down his tea, smiling through a pursed maw, "None of us would be welcome tourists in the Koopa Kingdom exactly, but that goes double for you and your brother. Hard feelings about all the missions to rescue Peach and everything."
"Yeah.. Yeah…" Luigi said listlessly, staring past Yoshi and at the billboard at the front.
As Yoshi unwrapped a cookie, his eyes were wrought with concern.
"What's the matter kid? Nervous about what's up next?"
Luigi sighed, nodding, "I've got Ganondorf, and that guy's been on a roll."
"Trying some nonsense too," Yoshi added, "I hear he's been talkin' with Wario and Sephiroth again."
"Yeah, we saw it," Luigi groaned.
Yoshi gave an exaggerated huff, but the expression in his silent gaze pondered for more
"The rumor mill…."
"By which you mean Torri?" Yoshi interrupted.
"Yeah, I don't know how she gets all the scoops like this," stated a bewildered Luigi.
"Hopefully with her doing the Splatoween thing the gossip cools down for a while," Yoshi chuckled.
"Yeah, but anyway, it-a seems Wario wants me out of the tournament, but I think it's deeper than that."
Yoshi nodded as he unwrapped a cookie."Have you talked about it with Daisy?"
"Nah, she's been on Smashcraft R since sunrise talkin' with Kazuya about the fight tomorrow."
"Really?" Yoshi asked, his eyes wide, "Never really took Daisy as go-getter type when it came to politics."
"Well, it's in part to do with Smash so she's more into it. But even then, ever since the unfortunate change in regime, she has been more interested in politics, and that's because she hasn't had to fight anybody every step of the…"
Luigi spied the cookie just as Yoshi wrapped his giant tongue around it, eating it.
"White chocolate and pecan? Really?"
Yoshi grinned with pride, having swallowed the cookie in one gulp, "My favorite of the Yoshi Cookies if I do say so myself."
"I mean, it ain't my favorite, but who am I to question the chief of the island that manufactures my favorite desserts?"
"You can question me all you want, kid. I'm just an old fart," Yoshi sighed,
Luigi offered a warm smile, "Now it's my turn to ask if you're alright chief."
Yoshi grinned back, "I've been feeling inadequate lately. I see guys like Sephiroth and that Kazuya guy and I'm just left wondering why I'm still part of the crew ya know?"
"Don't be ridiculous," Luigi said sipping his tea, "If it weren't for you, Mario an' I wouldn't have-a made it a week."
Yoshi snorted, "Yeah, but that's in the past. What have I done for you lately?"
"Well, Mario couldn't have stopped Bowser's second attempt at making his own galaxy without you."
"But that was what? A decade ago? More?"
Luigi tapped away at his communicator.
"See?" Yoshi laughed, "You practically have to go back to the invention of the calendar to find the last time I did anything relevant."
"That's not what I'm doing," Luigi tapped away on the holographic keyboard, "I'm gonna spar with Mac the day after tomorrow, and I want you to join us. I think you just got eliminated too early to really feel your blood boil."
Yoshi shrugged, "If you say so."
Luigi smiled confidently, "I do."
"I swear," Yoshi said, "You kids keep this old heart ticking,"
Luigi began to rummage in his pockets, but Yoshi pulled a Smash Coin out of a satchel he wore, flicking it onto the table.
"You people forget I don't need money," Yoshi chuckled.
Luigi sighed as he stood up, "I wish I didn't."
"Boy," Yoshi laughed, "You're about to marry into the wealthiest monarchy in our world."
"The less I think about it, the less anxiety it gives."
"I understand that," Yoshi said, "Poochy, let's go!"
Luigi clapped, "That means you too Polterpup."
Both dogs immediately trotted to the sides of their owners. The two walked out of the small teahouse. As the door closed, Yoshi cleared his throat.
"Mansion," Yoshi announced.
A portal opened, the two stepping through.
"Ah shoot," Yoshi said as soon as they touched down on the Mansion's hardwood floor, "I haven't checked my mail."
"I've been avoiding it," Luigi shuddered, "But I should at least-a route through the spam to see if I got anything important."
With a nod, the two shuffled to the mail room. Luigi saw his mailbox absolutely overflowing with envelopes from 'Mister L'
"Morning bro," a new voice snapped Luigi out of his trance.
"Oh hey Mario," said Luigi, gesturing to his overflowing mailbox "Are we ever gonna get to the bottom of who this is?"
Mario shook his head as he dug in his own mailbox, "Nobody in Smash City is registered under Mister L,"
"Maybe it's one of Ryu's weird friends?"
Mario raised an eyebrow, "Don't see how, considering they have no outside contact. I'll look into it though."
"Thanks bro!" Luigi nodded.
Suddenly, Sonic zipped into the room, somehow holding a cup of coffee aloft as he did.
"Morning guys," Sonic announced, "I've been ordered by the powers that be to check my mailbox."
Sonic's hands flipped through his mail at the speed of light.
"Yep, game royalties check, for the Frontiers adventure. Maybe I'll be able to treat you guys to coffee with the royalties this time."
He opened the check, examining it.
"WOAH!" Sonic shouted, "A million dollars?"
"Well damn kid," Yoshi nodded, "Congratulations. Always feels good when one of your adventures sells well."
"Luigi, you might wanna check your mail," Mario quivered as he examined a check in his hands, "That movie got made, and…"
Luigi somehow found the envelope, a golden one from Paramount Pictures, "What, are we talking coffee money too?"
He opened the envelope, his eyes widening, collapsing at the knees
"That is a big number," Luigi squealed, "That is not a small number."
"I know!" Mario shouted, "I don't think I've ever seen that many zeroes at the end of a check.
"Welcome to the Hollywood Elite boys. I made a cool 50 mill out of the last couple of movies." Sonic bragged.
"Yeah but this is like,.." Luigi yammered, sinking to his knees, "…the GDP of some countries. And that's after they paid the people who did the voice work!"
"Nintendo does what Sega'nt." Sonic shrugged, sipping his coffee, "Anyway, we gotta do some big movie star shit to celebrate."
Mario snapped his fingers, "We oughta make an appearance at the ARMS tournament. Sans has been wanting to do it ever since he got his hands on Min-Min's ramen."
Sonic cast a thumbs up, "Isabelle's always down for some event or another. When is it?"
"Day 6," Mario said.
"We'll be there!" Sonic said, zipping out of the room.
Suddenly, a cold chill went up Luigi's spine.
"Oh Seven Stars Yoshi I forgot to ask what you got in the mail."
Yoshi shrugged, "Food reviews from the rest of my tribe. Tale as old as time. Yep, one of the top rated places is Min-Min's Ramen . I'll call Birdo and see if she's in."
"Great!" Mario said, "She's so busy with the golfer flop house in Bonny Greens we haven't seen her."
Polterpup gave an annoyed grunt, Poochy gave his canine brethren a sideways glance, but huffed in reluctant agreement. At the same time Luigi's communicator buzzed, a text from Daisy appearing on the watch's face.
Done! Thank gawd! the text read.
"We're boring the dogs, and the lady wants to vent," Luigi said, tipping his hat, "I'll be takin' my leave bro."
"Before you go, should we throw back a few brewskis at Tapper's?" Mario asked.
"Yeah!" Luigi agreed, "I've got an appointment with Mac and Nonno the day after The Bash, but after that I should be free."
"Good, I'll inform the others," said Mario, waving as Luigi took his leave
Ganondorf
Smash Mansion
Front entrance
900
Ganondorf stretched his arms above his head. His hike up Smash Mountain had been a pleasurable one, inevitable run-in with The Ice Climbers and a tongue lashing from Mewtwo at the mountain's peak be damned. He'd gotten a chuckle out of Nana's sweater's dimensions being wrong, but that was as the highlight of a drab, far too social morning workout.
I should have taken my time on the way down, grumbled Ganondorf.
In fact, the trip down had been the best part of the experience. He had transcended the snowy slopes alone, lost in his thoughts. Having proven himself as the most competent wielder of the Triforce, he'd thought his urges had been squashed. One thought of Erdrick and Zelda together though, and he felt the mad urges that had governed him since Round 4's announcement.
And now, he stood close enough to the Mansion to see them all together.
Luigi, Erdrick, Zelda, and Daisy sat on a blanket off to the side of the mansion doors, happily engaging in a picnic as Luigi's ghostly mutt bothered the foursome for attention at various intervals.
And it made Ganondorf sick.
Daisy loudly mocked…someone. Judging by recent events, and Daisy's dry, blithering verbiage about fighting techniques, it had to be this Kazuya Mishima fellow everyone was so excited to see. Even with that revelation, it didn't make Daisy's booming story any more unbecoming of a princess.
Ganondorf grinned to himself. He'd say something.
"How anyone puts up with you is a quandary that will confound anyone with half a brain for eternity," he said, confidently marching up the rest of the path.
The jovial nature had stopped as all five occupants, even the dog, had turned to look at him.
"You talkin' to me bro?" Daisy asked mockingly.
"Yes, but unfortunately, you're not the reason why I'm here," snarled Ganondorf.
"And thank The Seven Stars for that. How every creature in the multiverse doesn't wilt in your company I'll never understand," Daisy snapped back.
"The reason why I'm here is you, you self-proclaimed warrior," Ganondorf announced, pointing a finger at Erdrick.
Erdrick had immediately hopped to his feet, "What do you require of me scoundrel?"
"Nothing more than your time. I challenge you to a battle the day after The Bash at Big Battlefield,"
"The purpose of this challenge being…?"
"To prove that you are an unbecoming King of Hyrule, as unbecoming as the loudmouth is to command her crown."
"For the people of Hyrule and Sarsaland, I accept your challenge."
Ganondorf simply nodded, walking away.
"Get a load of that guy eh?" Luigi asked, no doubt said while the Gerudo King was still in earshot.
And the four laughed, going back to whatever drivel came to their minds.
Darkness slithered out of Ganondorf's hand as he walked. The Gerudo King snapped his aching hand shut.
They will see. They will all see, very soon hissed Ganondorf's inner voice as he walked away.
Red
Smash Mansion
Residency Hall
Red's room
1000
Red lay on his bed, staring up at the ceiling, his headphones connected wirelessly to his communicator, pumping tunes directly into his ears.
"Well I don't show off, don't criticize. I'm just livin' by my own feeling," Red sang under his breath.
Suddenly, Green was learning over him, a devious smile on his face. On instinct, he jerked his headphones away from his ears.
"Got it," Green blurted triumphantly.
Red grinned back, "Megaman actually spilled the deets?"
"He's a robot, so when you ask him to look up something, he's gonna do it."
"What did you have him look up again?" Red asked, stretching and yawning
That earned him a playful punch to the ribs for his insolence
"The most critically acclaimed match in Street Fighter history."
"Okay," Red shrugged, "And?"
"Sakura vs. Rainbow Mika, first round of The Kanzuki Series!"
"What the Darkrai is the Kanzuki series, and why should I care about Rainbow whoever?"
"Rainbow Mika," corrected Green, "And the Kanzuki series was the tournament after the gang eliminated Shadaloo, the original bankrollers of the Street Fighter tournaments."
"Ah," Red nodded, "And you said this was a first round match? Why not watch the finals?"
"Because Quinn uses a combination of wrestling and a style similar to Anasatsuken karate, which is what Ken and Ryu use."
"So by watching both components of the fight, I can figure out what the kids'll be dealing with out there."
Green nodded, the eager trainer already scrolling through the Street Fighter on Demand streaming app on the television.
"Hm," Green grunted, "For all the hype around this match, you really shouldn't have to scroll this far for it."
"In Megaman's defense, he is operating on 100 years of hindsight."
Green pouted, "Oh why don't you make like a Shellder and clamp up!"
Red chuckled as Green continued to scroll through the app. Finally her pout morphed into a victorious smile.
"Oh, there it is!" she proclaimed.
Pressing the accept button, the app loaded the video immediately. The two circled, each taking wrestling stances and moving their hands about to jockey for position. The two clinched hands, only for Mika to slip behind, hoofing Sakura into the air and dropping her on her head. Before Red could even wince at the pain, Sakura was up and perched on the corner of the wrestling ring in which they stood. The karate student jumped off of her perch, driving herself into Mika's chest feet first.
"Apparently," Green explained as the action continued, "Mika almost broke Sakura's neck the first time they squared off, in the second tournament of the Alpha series."
"And now, years later, she can get up and…do that," Red gestured to the television, which displayed Mika in a headlock administered by Sakura.
"Yeah, if there's anything these karate guys are masters of, it's tightening technique," Green agreed, "Quinn has really evolved as a person in such a short amount of time."
Red smiled, Mika had taken the advantage with a hair pulling hold, but a throw to the ropes resulted in Sakura springing off of them, her entire body colliding with Mika's.
"In a way, it's like you traveling the world."
A running dropkick to a reeling Mika caught Green's words in throat.
"Yeah," she nodded, "I guess you're right."
Red laughed, "In awe of this are we?"
Another dropkick from Sakura, this time to Mika as she was propped in the corner.
"How could you not be?" Green guffawed, gesturing wildly at the television.
Red rubbed his chin in thought, "Quinn will be easier to telegraph.
On screen, Sakura dragged Mika to the center of the ring, applying a choke, and slamming her down as she began to wriggle out.
"Beg pardon?" Green asked.
"At his heart, he's a Smasher! He'll call out moves like we do."
"So do they!" Green argued.
"Flying Peach!" Mika cried, finally getting back into the fight by slamming her rear end into Sakura's face.
"See? I told you!"
A mischievous smile eeked over Red's face. Green's posture drooped in realization.
"Don't…" Green warned.
The smile stayed put.
"You…"
"So when are you doing that to me?" Red asked.
"Set a timer, you goof," winked Green, "I'm gonna go get breakfast,"
"I'll…um…go with,"
Hurriedly shutting off the TV, Red followed Green, shutting the door behind him.
Quinn
Smash Mansion
Residency Hall
Quinn, Sans, and Altair's suite
1100
Why do I do this to myself , screamed Quinn's inner voice, Why why why WHY
Much to his eternal befuddlement, he scrolled Smash City's social media platform, the aptly named "Smash Social" scrolling the 'Quinnminal' hashtag. All walks of life, any manner of number of followers, all seemed to agree that Quinn was a rebellious malcontent who needed to be reigned in. Two bit sports rags made up rumors that were cobbled together from even shiftier half-truths.
All for what, Quinn asked internally For exploring?
He pressed the profile button on his holographic display. He had not used Smash Social for any reason, taking care to follow the rest of the Smashers, but nothing else. The more pictures of already eliminated Smashers spending time with their friends, the angrier he became. A livestream of Wario narrating as his girlfriend Mona modeled mind-bogglingly expensive dresses sent him over the edge
That was it. He was pissed. And the world would know
We hate Quinn, but will continue to write full articles about him and talk about him and dream about his dreamy legs! He stinks! (I love him)!
With a completely unnecessary spinning finger flourish, Quinn clicked 'send.' His rant broadcasted to the world, he closed Smash Social, rolling out of bed for the first time today, and heading to the main room of the suite. From the couch, Sans' boney fingers danced across the remote as he surfed the channels on TV, while Altair read an ancient book on an easy chair to the left..
AHAHAHAHAHAHA
YUP!
YOU COULDA JUST HAD THE MUSIC NOT KICK BACK IN!
HEHEHEHE!
BZZZZT!
…The only thing that that scene was missing was the old people saying, "When're you gonna find a nice Italian girl?
"Eh, Sans shrugged, "At least this guy isn't contributing to the movie's discourse."
BZZZT!
"Smash City's most popular leisure destinations today are movie theaters, as people from all universes are flocking to see the Mario Brothers movie. Reports say that the movie will come to streaming services after the conclusion of Round 5.
"Modern culture's obsession with moving pictures will forever confound me, but the clamor around this one causes me even more confusion," grumbled Altair.
"Movie?" asked Quinn.
"The Mario movie came out recently," Sans explained, "The bros are billionaires now."
"Good for them," Quinn shrugged, "What're you guys doing here anyway?"
"We are serving your punishment in solidarity," Altair said without looking up from his book
"You guys don't have to do that, really," Quinn said, choking back tears.
"The punishment is nonsense," Altair growled, "In your shoes, I would have done the same thing."
"Same," Sans nodded, "Even if for no other reason than it would've been funny to pop in."
"Ya know," Quinn said, flopping onto the couch next to Sans, "I never really felt like I had a family until I came here. You guys are family."
Sans manifested an eyebrow to raise it. Quinn felt a shiver go up his spine.
It'll always freak me out when he does that
"What about the orphanage? The training school?" he asked.
"I spent most of my childhood daydreaming, lost in my own mind, and in an idyllic paradise like Wuhu, that's foreign. Always kinda wanted to do something bigger than play sports or go on business trips like the other Miis, ya know?"
"Yeah," Sans nodded, "Always knew there was something greater at work than what we could physically see."
Quinn dramatically pointed at Sans, the show of understanding completely unintentional.
"YEAH, EXACTLY!" Quinn shouted entirely too loudly, "And I bet you get the same thing with your Apple of Eden, don't you Altair?"
Altair nodded, "I do. Perhaps that is what unites us, perhaps we are dreamers with evidence.."
Up next on TFZ, Ganondorf and Erdrick beefing? Kazuya Mishima and Princess Daisy of Sarasaland form an unholy, steamy alliance?
"Please change the channel number being displayed," Altair snapped.
"So close to the right phrase," Sans muttered.
BZZZZT
And after the missing her third putt of the day she throws the socks of the hands AKA gloves
Quinn laughed along with the second announcer's wheezing laugh, but Sans changed the channel.
"Blah, Golf," he spat.
BZZZT
Twintelle says she practices with the Scorpio every day in practice, NO YOU DON'T! BALONEY!
Absolutely agreed Skip Shoeless. She's off filming reality shows! That's the problem with the ARMS circuit, they celebrate people who don't need to be celebrated, and that's the Stephen Soleus truth
Quinn shivered as Stephen Soleus flashed a slimy smile at the camera. Sans awkwardly pulled at the collar of his jacket, changing the channel.
BZZZZT
They have a word for people like Max Brass, and that's a man of valor, you're going to own up to whatever mistake and…
BZZZT
SOMEBODY GET ME A NAPKIN SO I CAN WIPE MY MOUTH
Quinn frowned, More ARMS tournament coverage. The announcer seemed to be losing his mind over a one-two combination by Bark and Byte
"Why do all sports commentators talk like that?" Sans asked no one in particular.
"I was about to ask the same thing!" shouted Quinn triumphantly.
"As was I," agreed Altair in his usual icy calm.
BZZZT
SING THE BELLS BELLS BELLS BELLS OF NOTRE DAME!
BZZZT
AMATEURS AMATEURS THEY'RE BARELY EVEN HUMAN
"That's funny," Sans explained, "They have the Disney channel right next to the bootleg Disney channel."
For the first time since Quinn had entered the room, Altair discarded his book.
"This is an animated film about the plight of Native Americans against the English settlers, correct?"
Sans nodded to the assassin, "Pocahontas, yes."
"Then why is that insane looking bearded man playing all the characters?" demanded Altair.
Quinn watched the screen. A man with a vacant, intent stare indeed was portraying every character, each individual character monopolizing the screen from cut to cut, likely to work around the intense number of costume changes he had to execute.
"Well," Sans shrugged, "This is a lame bit,"
BZZZZT
You're listening to Minecraft Radio, Up next is one of my favorite hits, Aria Math!
"Minecraft? Is that the world with those people made of blocks that the Off the Hook interloper described."
"Yeah why?" asked Sans.
"I've only seen pictures of their section of the city. It appears idyllic and simple. I wish to learn from them," Altair said, a rare grin on his face.
"Me too! I've been looking at their buildings too Something about simple, blocky architecture feels…right. You know what I mean?"
"I do not," Altair said, "But your intuition has served you well here, so it would be best to listen to it."
BZZZT!
This means that…at this moment…on Planet Earth, there does not exist a game called Crash Bandicoot: Nitro Kart.
"Who?" asked Quinn.
"One of the guys along with Cloud and Snake who were being scouted by Playstation Allstars before we bought them, so Mario invited his people to the tournament.
"Huh," Quinn nodded, "That's another place we should check out."
"Aye," agreed Altair.
BZZZT!
Perhaps the media has overblown the whole Quinn Marmaduke controversy is overblown
Absolutely not Wilfred. He is a Smasher and as a Smasher, the least disenfranchised member of this little globalist gestapo community he should keep quiet and smile for the camera like a good little celebrity.
You will behave yourself on my show you little rat.
I am being oppressed you mustachioed walrus
And we're terminating the feed to Bucker Gnarlson right now. I'm Wilford Walrus and you're watching "Fusilade" on Nook News Network.
"Aaaand we're turning off the TV," Sans said hurriedly.
And so, with one press of the button, with one flick of static, the TV went quiet.
"Thanks for that man, because…" shivered Quinn.
"You know what the secret to being insulted by a cable news network is? Food!"
"You've been insulted by a cable news network?" asked a reluctant Quinn.
"Yeah, an Australian one used my theme without permission. Lawsuit still pending baby. Anyway, what do you want from the cafeteria kid?" Sans asked.
Quinn raised an eyebrow, "Am I not supposed to get Kirby's soup?"
"Nah, not while I have anything to say about it," Sans declared with a shake of his head, " It's a simple fix. I can get Kirby to eat it by bribing him with a single Tootsie Roll, it's fine. What do you want?"
Quinn rubbed his chin in thought.
"Crab rangoon from Min-Min's?" he finally decided.
Sans laughed, "My guy! I'll be right back!"
With a snap of his fingers, Sans disappeared.
"Hey Altair, you've been reading about Pocahontas haven't you?"
"I have Quinn, why do you ask?"
"I want to borrow the book, anything to get that bootleg out of my head, ya know?"
A single, sensible chuckle escaped Altair.
"I can imagine."
Cloud
Smash City
Rare Archipelago Section
Bottles' Garage
1200
Cloud stepped out of a portal followed by his usual entourage. He recognized the smells immediately. Rubber, oil, and fresh metal danced at his nose.
"Hey Cid," Cloud grinned, "This almost smells like your place,"
"Watch yer mouth boy," snarled Cid, "I'm only 34 but I can still tan your hide,"
"Wait," Jessie guffawed, "You're 32? I had you pegged for 55 at the least."
"32, 55, 75, it's all the same," joked Cait Sith.
"Shaddap suit, you're older than me!" Cid snapped.
The body of the moogle carrying Cait Sith drooped dramatically, "I know, I'm speaking from experience."
"You just gotta get out more," Barrett's voice boomed across the empty, dark garage, "Maybe you oughta run the course with spikey!"
"No thanks," Cait Sith's cried, his moogle snapping straight up again.
"Speakin' of, where is this guy we're supposed to meet anyway," asked Wedge.
"Gyuh-huh," Yuffie chirped.
"Will you stop saying Gyuh-huh? It's all you've been saying since Cloud got roped into this."
Yuffie's eyes narrowed, her face twisting into a pout.
"Gyuh-huh," she growled.
"Glad to see someone's in the spirit at least," a drawling voice emanated from the darkness.
Hands folded regally behind his back, Bottles emerged from the darkness, "Nice 'an prompt. I like it, already puts you a league above the bear and bird."
"Enough of the flattery," Cloud demanded, "Where's this obstacle course you…"
Bottles snapped his clawed fingers. At his command, the lights flickered on, revealing a one to one recreation of Spiral Mountain!
"Man, what the hell?" was Barrett's response as the rest of the group began to clamor amongst themselves.
"YO! THIS IS SO COOL!"
"Yuffie, my darling, please calm down," begged Vincent.
"VINNIE THIS IS SPIRAL FUCKING MOUNTAIN! HOW CAN I BE CALM!"
"At least she's not gyuh-huhing," Aerith muttered.
"I HEARD THAT FLOWER GIRL," Yuffie yelled.
"Yuffie, settle," Cloud snapped, "Bottles, you built this yourself?"
"Who do ya think gave ole Mustache the info on how this place was supposed to look?" asked Bottles, a cocksure grin across his maw.
"I thought the Smash robots took care of that," said Tifa.
"They might have in the past," Bottles nodded, "But they a bunch of us a survey after Banjo and Kazooie left. Character cameos are all the rage these days, so I guess they wanted our input before they went through the trouble of paying us for our likenesses."
"Look, all this stuff is cool," Zack began, crossing his arms, "But what do you want Cloud to do?"
Bottles mirrored the gesture, smiling, "Simple. Run through the same test I gave them before I rebuilt the bridge to Gruntilda's layer."
Yuffie snorted with laughter, "You want 'em to do the tutorial level? Dude, that's kids stuff for Marlene and Denzel, let alone Cloud.'
Bottles eyes seemed to glisten with mischief from behind his signature spectacles.
"My criteria is stricter than you might think, ninja girl," warned the mole.
"Let's get started," Cloud said.
Bottles sighed, "In another lifetime, I could have trained you, but I'm forever linked to the bear and bird. Ah well, such is life."
Cloud got into his combat stance, Even facing down the blade of the classic Buster Sword Bottles laughed, "Going old school are we?"
Cloud nodded, "Yeah. Felt right against…him."
"Alright," Bottles stepped aside, "The patches of dirt are the courses. Do it better than the bear and the bird did it, and you get your powerup. But first, you need to adjust your camera cont-"
Bottles coughed. The AVALANCHE crew exchanged unsure glances.
"Sorry," Bottles whispered, "Force of habit. You may begin."
Bottles snapped his fingers, the familiar Spiral Mountain theme began to play from speakers mounted into the walls. In the same breath, Cloud took off charging to the course's beginning like a bolt of lightning, easily conquering the first obstacles in front of him, jumping on progressively higher tree stumps.
"That's the way!" cheered Bottles, "Next, swim the moat around the layer!"
Much like before, Cloud dove into the water without hesitation, lapping the witch's layer despite the current.
"This is as fast as I've ever seen Cloud move," Aerith commented.
Tifa nodded, "Yeah, but Sephiroth is up next. This is everything to Cloud."
"Now it's combat time!" Bottles explained from the sidelines, "Go!"
Cloud darted over to a soil rich tilling field, snapping into his combat stance. Two carrots with googly eyes sprung from the ground, but they were no match for the Buster Sword,cleaved in half by a single charging slash as soon as Cloud laid eyes on them.
"This is really making me hungry for a salad," Aerith said as Cloud sliced his next opponent, a bouncing onion, in half, "Anyone else?"
A stalk of coliflower with next on the chopping block, Cloud eliminating the fiend with a single Climhazard.
"Go over to that circle of boulders," Bottles ordered, "Let's see how fast you can cleave solid stone."
Cloud charged to the next zone without a word, efficiently slicing each boulder in two with single Beam Blades. Bottles snapped his fingers and a flock of flying cauliflowers ascended from the sky.
"Six," Cloud counted, "No problem,"
A leap into the air was followed up by an absolute blur of Cloud's signature moves. Climhazard and Blade Beams took out the sentient vegetables alike. Suddenly, Cloud flash a brilliant blue.
"FINISHING TOUCH!" he cried
In a maelstrom of wind, the final cauliflower was no more.
Cloud touched down feet-first, only to have Bottles tut at him.
"You're only just now getting to your Limit Break, after all that? That won't do. Here, let me do something," mumbled the mole.
He snapped his fingers. Cloud immediately stiffened, stretching his arms.
"The usual pops and pulls aren't there," Cloud announced, bewildered, "Did you just…make me younger,"
Bottles shrugged, "Not by much, but enough to improve your chances against Sephiroth."
"Was there anything I did that warranted this?"
Whereas Botttles' jagged smiles had been f illed with a chaotic malice before, this one was genuinely warm and kind, "Any kind of attempt would've warranted a passing grade. I just wanted to watch you move."
"Alright," Cloud said, "It was a pleasure doing business. Cid, can I ask you a favor?"
Cid nodded warmly, "Anything kid,"
"Put the Highwind in orbit in a couple days. I'm going to want to spend some time aboard it with you all before the fight."
"Yeah, I can go set that up. Y'all don't mind playing crew again?" Cid asked.
The group mumbled their entrance.
"Tifa, you and Cloud can get some alone time, and the rest of us will set that up,"
"You're the best Cid!" Tifa declared.
The majority of the AVALANCHE crew got into a portal, while Tifa took Cloud by the hand.
"With everyone gone," she said, smiling impishly, "I'd like to really test out how well younger you can last in my endurance test,"
"I'll pretend I didn't hear that," Bottles yammered, disappearing as the lights went out again.
"Your place or mine?" Cloud smirked.
"Mine," Tifa said, "We'll have all the surfaces we need,"
With that, the Nibelheim couple stepped through a portal of their own.
Sephiroth
Smash Mansion
Roof
1800
The sun began to set dotting the blue sky red. And Sephiroth smiled, reminiscing about the red in Dante's attack, the exhilaration, the thrill.
When was the last time I felt pain? Sephiroth wondered.
No doubt he would feel the thrill of battle again soon. But he could never let Cloud know, that deep down he found their battles fun, exhilarating even.
"YO SEPHY!"
Sephiroth's peace was once again shattered. By a woman?
Sure enough, a glance downward revealed that Terry and Corrin were waving down at him.
"You didn't bring your infernal recording device with you?"
Terry shook his head, "Nope. You said you didn't like it last time."
Sephiroth raised an eyebrow, "You're listening? Why?"
"Ain't that just the polite thing to do?" asked Terry, "Anyway, me and the babe here'd like to invite you to dinner. I can make a mean Hot Pocket."
"Sounds disgusting," Sephiroth hissed.
"I ain't gonna stop bugging you until you do,"
Sephiroth's face puckered, "I must assist Wario with Ganondorf's training. My loyalty is to them."
Terry blew a raspberry with a dismissive wave, Corrin stifled a chuckle.
"It's the era of cellular phones, everybody cancels once in a while. We're just gonna be loafing around for a while, we're open when you are. As for us, it's a nice day out, so we're gonna go make out in Smash Park. See ya later kid, BUSTA WOLF!"
Arm in arm, Terry and Corrin began to walk away.
"So, you never finished the story you were telling me earlier," Terry said so loudly that Sephiroth could still hear him, "Your first boyfriend was…your butler?"
"Yes, Jakob. He taught me how to kiss and things like that, but he was too eager to serve instead of just be my equal, which is why I demanded we go back to a professional relationship.
Sephiroth sighed to himself.
Pampered ingrates, all of them, he thought to himself as the sun set even further.