Stanley asked for help: the Handwitch
Sorry I was late posting, there was a power outage at my house and I couldn't access the usual websites at work.
In the Shack, Thursday
Stan sat in the Shack reading a book.
…
No, you didn't misread that. Stanley Pines, the most unscholarly person on the planet, was reading a book instead of watching TV. Even if you know the context behind his decision it was still weird.
Though not as weird as the contents of the book.
"Unicorns, magic black markets, vampires, face stealers, come on Ford. Telling stories is MY thing!"
Stan then signed before putting down the book and looking over at the boxes of missing person and Mystery Shack signs he had made up.
"Well, time to start putting these up around town. The more awareness I raise about the business and Ford, the more money and help I'll get in finding him and his journals."
Stan then picked the two boxes up and headed over to his car. Before he left, he decided to head back inside and pick up the Journal to read if he had time.
I might be able to use some of those stories on the tour, especially the Crawlspace. A mystical black market is a cool origin story.
On a nature trail
Stan finished nailing one of his posters onto the side of an outhouse when he took a step back to admire his handiwork.
It just had a picture of his face wearing Ford's glasses, but the hand-drawn image of a six-fingered hand to its immediate right was taken straight from the journal Ford had given him. That would hopefully help people remember the difference between him and Ford, and alert them if they ever found Journals 2 and 3. The description listed his date of birth, hair color, eye color, and other usual descriptions on these posters.
"Don't worry Ford, I'll figure out where those journals are."
THUNK
"Hay, watch where you're going! You almost made me drop my gold!"
"If you expect me to let you get to the journal's auction first, you are sorely mistaken!"
Stan froze when he heard the whispered voices emerge from the other side of the outhouse. They had just said two essential words to Stan, gold, and journal.
He immediately hugged the side of the small structure and carefully poked out his head to see who was making that noise.
…
It was the strangest thing he had ever seen.
The woman on the left (if that could be called a woman) was a hideous hag wearing a cloak with handprints. She was riding a massive, severed hand like a horse and had a large basket of severed hands next to her.
Sprawled on the ground in front of her was a baby-sized man with a brown beard and a leather bag on the ground spilling out small gold nuggets.
Hun, Ford wasn't making those stories in his journal up. He then began to smile like the Grinch. After I find out about the journal for auction, I should investigate exploiting this for money.
Stan took a few breaths to get his bearing, put on his award-winning grin, and walked out to greet his marks.
"Hello, their fine people! I am-"
"YOU!"
The gnome then launched himself at Stan's leg and began to gnaw on it relentlessly.
"Hay! Stop it!"
Stan began shaking his leg and dancing like a maniac to get the gnome off. Eventually, the hag walked over and ripped the gnome off his leg.
"Stop it, Steve, that's not the scientist that experimented on you. Look at his hands."
Stan then immediately held up his hand and spread his fingers. After a few seconds, the gnome calmed down enough to talk again.
"Ok, so you're not that creepy researcher that kept me in a cat carrier for weeks while he experimented on me. What are you doing here anyway?"
Stan pointed to his boxes. "I'm putting up missing person's signs for my brother-"
"Good riddance."
Stan shot him a dirty look before continuing. "I'm also putting up promotional signs for my new tourist attraction in his house. People pay through their noses to see the strange and mysterious stuff there. Would either of you be interested in show business? I can pay in American money, and maybe other types of compensation if you aren't interested in that."
The gnome was still eyeing Stan warily, but the hag was looking more receptive to the idea and held out her hand.
"I'm the Handwitch. I would gladly talk business with you later, but my companion and I are heading to an auction."
Stan nodded. "Yes, I heard. A journal?"
The gnome scoffed at that. "It's two Journals. One belonged to an idiotic genius and the other to a great adventurer who explored the unknown without regard for the consequences to themselves or others."
Stan's internal smile began to grow with each word the gnome said. Both sounded like Ford, and if he was lucky, they were both the missing journals.
"Say, can I come to the auction? I have some money and would like to see what else was up for grabs."
Steve immediately jumped between the two and waved his hands like a maniac.
"No way! No humans are allowed in the Crawlspace! I am also not the only one with an ax to grind against your brother. The second you walk down there you will be eaten alive!"
The gnome then froze and realized what he just said.
"Just let me open the door with my key and then you can jump into the hole. It'll take you right to the Crawlspace. Try not to die until I get there. I want to watch you squeal and imagine it's your brother."
The Handwitch rolled her eyes and pulled out a potion.
"How about a deal? I'll give you a potion that will disguise you. After the auction, we'll meet up at your brother's house for the interview and give you the antidote after you pay me an amount equal to my first paycheck if I decide to work for you. Sounds good?"
Stan looked at the green liquid that bubbled in her hand. The mason jar it was in looked like it hadn't been cleaned in his lifetime, and when she opened it, the smell caused the flowers to wilt.
It reminded him of some moonshine he got from Tennessee.
"All right, I want to see that journal. But if I throw up, I'm aiming at the gnome."
"Please do."
Stan downed the whole potion in a few gulps, fighting to ignore the horrible taste. It burned like turpentine, was as vile as a week-old gas station sandwich left out in the Arizona sun, and left an aftertaste that prevented him from breathing without being reminded of the drink.
Was the Handwitch from Tennessee?
The bad news for the Handwitch and the good news for the gnome was that Stan didn't throw up. The good news for the hand witch and bad for the gnome is that Stan's skin turned green.
He held up his hands and looked at his new complexion.
"Is that it? it just turned me green?"
The witch shrugged. "It's the easiest way to have you fit in and is just as easy to undo."
Stan then walked over to a puddle in the nearby snow and looked into it. He looked exactly like he used to, except for his green skin.
"At least I'm still handsome. Maybe I'll be able to get a date at the auction."
Stan purposely ignored the Handwitch checking him out as he headed over to the door. He couldn't ignore the arm she offered him after dismounting though.
"Shall we?"
Stan looked at it warily. "Can't we just walk next to each other at six feet distance?"
The Handwitch gave him a scathing look. "Do you want to go to the auction or not?"
Stan considered it for a few seconds before relenting, interlocking his elbow with her and escorting her through the door Steve had just unlocked. The giant hand followed behind, crouching down to squeeze through the door. The four walked through the outhouse door together and through a too-large tunnel to be in the outhouse.
It's bigger on the inside, just like that sci-fi show I saw while trying to con the Queen of England.
When the three exited the tunnel, they found themselves in a scene Stan found strange and familiar at the same time.
The "people" walking around were as inhuman as lawyers, stranger than the contents of sausage, and uglier than that Toby Determined guy.
(OK, not that last one. Seriously, that guy would turn Medusa to stone and be the one villain Scooby Doo would encourage to keep his mask on.)
On the familiar side, they were all manning stalls and selling their merchandise, haggling for merchandise, or stealing from people distracted by the stalls. It was just like dozens of markets, fairs, festivals, yard sales, and swap meets Stan had been to across three countries.
"Stop gawking Stanley. The auction will be starting soon over there. You can sigh see you later."
The Gnome took advantage of their distraction to start running towards the auction. The Handwitch was fine to walk through the market with Stanley and enjoy the company of the handsome young man.
Stanley then noticed a wanted poster on the side of a booth with Ford's face on it with the caption "Wanted: Stanford Pines. Crimes: experimentation of the weird population of Gravity Falls. Identifying features: 6 fingers on each hand but is otherwise a normal-looking human. Wanted by: Crawlspace Sellers Association (CSA). Reward: amount equal to 20% Weregeld paid."
He froze at it for several seconds before the Handwitch realized what had happened.
"Your brother might be a brilliant scientist, but he seems to have a problem understanding that many of us are conscious. He would keep us in cages for experimentation, call us annoying or a disappointment, or even bang two geodites together to make a spark to light a fire despite them being naturally glowing and harmless!"
Stan signed at that. "I guess he focused so much on the weirdness that he forgot you are people."
He then took down the poster before rolling it up and sticking it under his arm.
"Let's get going to the auction."
The Hand Witch somberly nodded at him before noticing the time.
"We can talk more about him after the auction, It's starting in 1 minute!"
Stan then unlocked their arms and jumped onto the back of the giant hand. He then pulled up the Hand Witch and the two then began to rush through the crowds.
"Out of the way slowpokes!"
They soon reached the auction building, a Stone structure with a large mallet embedded into the wall above the door. A sign hung from the handle that said "Going, Going, and Gone Auction house."
When they arrived, neither wasted much time dismounting the hand, grabbing the basket of a severed hand, and then running through the door.
Once inside, Stan grabbed a pamphlet of the items for sale, grabbed one of those paddles, and led them to one of the few empty rows in the back. They then sat down before stashing their belongings under their seats.
"Ok, when are the journals up Stanley?"
He opened the pamphlet up and skimmed through it quickly. "Let's see, a bejeweled music box, a Pembroke Welsh Corgi, a thermos, a duck-shaped jet, butterfly swords, a Dime, Ah-Ha! 'The Journal of an Idiotic Genius' and 'The Journal of an Adventurer.'"
The Handwitch looked at the two entries and nodded. Stan then moved on to the rest of the item to see if there was anything else he might want to bet on.
"Let's see, a Game Slave, a spear tipped with a stinger, ghostly robes, bird-shaped scissors, a briefcase with a large eye, a yellow shirt with a jagged black stripe in the middle, an anti-mind-altering crystal, a wand, a laser sword, a sample of fungi, the costumes of the Mayhems, and a Mystery Item.
"Looks like the only thing I could be interested in is the Journals. How about we pool our resources, get one or both, and then share it? I need to photocopy a few pages if they are the journals I think they are."
She thought about it. "Maybe, how much do you have?"
Stan pulled out his wallet and opened it up, smiling when he saw the wallet full of money. The Hand Witch frowned when she looked at it.
"That's it? Steve is using gold nuggets, that Manataur is using furs, and that Unicorn is using its magical hair. Your money won't be that useful here."
Stan frowned before turning to look at the Handwitch. "What are you using?"
She smiled and pulled out a severed hand that began to move on its own. "Enchanted hands and the promise of custom-made ones. Handy helpers around the house and difficult to make if you aren't me. The best thing you can offer them is something they can't get elsewhere easily."
Stan began to think as the auction started.
What can I offer that they can't get anywhere else?
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Yes, all the items offered are references to franchises I have done fanfic info dumps on. This leads to a contest.
The first person to guess one of the items up for auction gets to request a 30-minute or less episode of any series for me to do a fanfic info dump on. The same person can guess each item once, but you can win multiple times.
The items are
- a bejeweled music box
- a Pembroke Welsh Corgi
- a thermos
- a gas gun
- butterfly swords
- a Dime
- The Journal of an Idiotic Genius
- The Journal of an Adventurer
- a high-tech backpack
- a spear tipped with a stinger
- ghostly robes
- bird-shaped scissors
-briefcase with a large eye
- a yellow shirt with a jagged black stripe in the middle
- an anti-mind-altering crystal
- a wand
- a laser sword
- a sample of fungi
- the costumes of the Mayhems
-Mystery Item (original item I made up myself)
The contest will end next week, so comment with your votes!
To celebrate the upcoming "Book of Bill", I have decided to make this a Gravity Falls summer! This means I plan to post a chapter of this fanfic once a week, every Friday morning until
August 30th. Though currently the prewritten chapters are extending over the 13 I originally planned, so it might go longer.
I have a if you want to support me and my New Year's resolution of posting one fanfic of 2k words or more weekly. This is also being posted on , AO3, and Tumbler.
: user?u=10132890
: s/14051718/1/luz-appreciation-week-2022-from-1228248
AO3: /works/52823413/chapters/133608991
Tumbler: blog/brianedner
I am also doing fanfic info dumps, think wiki articles that go one episode at a time with some compilations at the end on certain topics that are sorted by episode.
Fanfic info dumps here: 1228248/gallery