Chapter 2: Stairway to Heaven
In the end, Gus's discouraging words of rationale got the better of me. Two weeks had crawled by, each day becoming harder and harder to rise from my cave. The commercial replayed on a loop in my mind, a relentless taunt with its promises of redemption, freedom, and healing. Pretty words that managed to reignite something in me that's long been extinguished.
Clearly, I wanted this. All I ever thought about was leaving this awful place. Now the opportunity drops right onto my lap, and suddenly I get cold feet. A groan hummed off my throat and I flung a seashell to the wall of my cave. My cowardice to take charge of my own fate will kill me. If I let this chance slip by, I knew I'd regret it for the rest of my pitiful life. What could possibly go wrong that would be worse than where I am right now?
And thus, was the cycle I found myself in since. A sudden burst of defiance and confidence and the audacity to dare want more collides with the echoing sound wave of doubt reverberating off the walls of my skull. 'It's too good to be true', 'That place ain't for you, anyway', 'Don't be so naive', 'Don't be stupid', 'Worthless', 'Hybrid Filth', 'It's Your Fault', 'YOu could NevER B̵̡͉̽́̓̿̄͗́͠E̷̤͙̱̟̪͍̺̍͒̃̕͠ ̸͔̃̊̌R̵̺̮͙̫̜̼̾̂̎̓̚͝ͅỀ̴̲̯̋̾͠D̸̡̳̖̩̤͖͇̈̐̌̎Ë̷̟͂̊̆͌͐Ȇ̶̳͙͔͕̝͕͋͆̄̾̈̀͜͝M̸̢̫̼̭̼̿̔̎̊̔̇̈́͝ͅĘ̵̧̗͔̻̠̱̪̓́͋̋͆͆͘D̶̯͕̞̾,̵̡̲͇̱̩̯̝͒͑̚͝ ̴̡̞͓̱̦͉̀Ÿ̴̨̫͉̝́͑̈́͐́͐̒O̷̧̢̧̲͕̫̓Ų̸͔͔̤͋̑̅̀̈́͝ ̷̛̱̓͒̉̀̂͝M̵̧̤̯̖̆̄̄̆͒͘ͅO̸̡͓͂̂̋͗̀̕͝͠N̷̡̻͔̫̏S̴̫̗̱͗͆͆̎̾̚͝T̸̻̮̭̘̰̅̓̈̌̆Ĕ̶̳̃̈̔̕Ṙ̴̡̘͔̬̗͓͍̥̓̉͐͛͑ ̸̛̲̼̈́̎ -'
The last words tore through me, morphing into the sneering face of the Princess of Envy. It all happened so fast, my spiral leaving me dizzy, and I fist my hair into both my hands. Despite the frigid temperature, my body still feels so hot. My heart is thumping so hard in my ears, and there is a constant ringing that could shatter a man's psyche if it went on long enough. The sand is way too gritty and I can feel every grain of it in the crevices of my tail. This dress is suddenly way too tight, this watch is too clingy on my wrist. Every sound and every touch left me more and more overwhelmed.
I forced myself to latch onto something.
Breathe...
With shaky focus, I crawled on my forearms and pressed my head on a nearby flat rock. The cold rough surface provided a pleasant shock to my senses. I took a few deep breaths, my chest feeling less and less tight with every other one. After what feels like eternity, I bubble the last bit of panic out from my gills with a deep sigh. Whatever strength that was holding me up, I've lost it now, collapsing on my side.
I gazed tiredly at the dark, gaping mouth of my cave. 'I can't keep doing this…', I thought to myself. Apathy slowly consumed my aching heart. I longed for more. I yearned for it. I cried for it. I'd kill for it.
Kill for it.
The words swam around my head. It sang to me, reached for me, lured me. Kissed me. I had completely stilled, like the calm at the end of a treacherous storm. It all became clear to me. I saw myself lying helplessly in the dark, paralyzed by my own uncertainty. I saw myself at the Shipwreck, drowning in secondhand smoke and enduring unspeakable cruelty. I saw myself withering away to nothing, dying of hunger, alone to become one with the abyss. Choosing pain because it is familiar is foolish. There was more out there for me, I know there was. And suddenly, it didn't feel like I was listening to the world from under water anymore. I remembered I was alive.
I laid in that same stop for 3 days. I quit my job without telling anyone. It was the best decision of my life in a long, long time. There was nothing here for me. I knew I had to go.
Now, I stand before my biggest challenge yet. My tattered brown bag felt heavy on my shoulders, not just from the eels wriggling impatiently inside, but from the weight of my decision. In front me were the steps that led to the entrance of the transportation center, and I fiddled with the frayed hem of my apron. I'd never been to the center of the ring before, so I had no chance to prepare for how busy and loud it was. There was an air of obnoxious entitlement, arrogance, high standards, a sophistication that felt smothering to the very existence of my being. I avoided their eyes and I looked down at myself, feeling incredibly self-conscious of my tattered clothes, the evidence of past abuse, my hideously exposed left eye. Each flaw felt like a neon sign screaming my worthlessness.
The cacophony of the crowd sent my senses into overdrive. I sank onto the steps, being careful not to block the flow of sharp-suited and elegantly dressed elites.
Pulling my knees to my chest, I let out a ragged sigh. Everything in me screamed to crawl back into the familiar darkness of my cave. At least there, I was… unseen, maybe even normal. Here, I was just a walking mistake.
"Thorne! Thorne, wait!"
The voice, laced with a desperation I hadn't heard before, sliced through the noise. Head snapping up, it gave room for the hand of guilt to choke me when I saw Gus running in my direction. When he reached me, his face was flushed, his chest heaving. Not just from exertion, but something deeper. Something wounded.
"Why did… Why didn't you…" He stumbles over his words, trying to catch his breath. Silence slowly eats away his panting, the burning in his lungs seeming to subside, and he straightens himself when he is able to breathe normally again. There's pain in his eyes I've never seen before and his obvious frustration battles with something softer in his gaze. "You were just gonna leave without telling me…?"
Irritation now partnered with my anxiety, the prickly feeling of my defensive reflex making me furrow my brows. Why would I tell him after what he said to me? How could I? This desperate gamble at redemption, at true freedom, felt like a gift I barely deserved. Years of silence, of swallowing my own wants and needs, roared for release. And it was so hard. It was so hard to silence all my doubts this long. It's so hard not to bend to fear of the unknown, to fight my instincts, to ignore all I thought were the best reasons to stay. It's so hard to admit that even in all my misery, in all my wasted effort not to let anything in, a hair of something precious managed to take root within me.
Why is it so hard to just choose me for once? And why did choosing myself have to come at such a heartbreaking cost of someone else's pain?
I blinked back my tears, hoping to will the courage I was losing back into myself. I couldn't give him my vulnerability, not now. Not when every ounce of strength was needed to take this single, terrifying step towards a future I only ever dreamed of. A future that could finally be mine.
Slowly, I watched him kneel before me, and my muscles tensed with such a sharpness when his strong arms suddenly wrapped around me. My scars feel like they're burning under his embrace. I hate being touched, he knows that. My limbs grew weak and the affection sent a wave of nausea washing over me. A traumatizing secret and years of isolation had left me hypersensitive to any kind of physical contact. It felt like an intrusion, a violation of the carefully constructed walls I'd built around myself.
And yet, I can't push him away. Because under all of this revulsion, I felt something more. A longing for comfort I silently yearned for. I found myself leaning into him, a traitorous reaction that sent a jolt of conflicting emotions through me. I felt so sick, but I held him tight anyway. I didn't know it was possible to be held with such gentle firmness, a protectiveness. I didn't know a hug could be so warm.
"Go…" It was barely a whisper, but I heard it. I pulled away, searching his eyes for something I didn't even know to look for. He shook his head and gave me a weak smile, a touch sadder than the usual easy grin I was accustomed to. "I'm sorry about what I said before… Don't forget about me, yeah?"
I smile back at him, a small, sad thing that doesn't quite reach my eyes. With a final, lingering squeeze, he lets me go. A deep sigh of relief escapes me, finally seeming to be at peace with my decision. The Hazbin Hotel was a beacon on the distant horizon, a promise of a new beginning. A tiny voice whispers in the back of my mind, wondering if, somewhere along the way, we might cross paths again.
The announcement crackled over the intercom, "Attention passengers, this is the final stop: Pride Ring Central, Pentagram City." The doors hissed open, revealing a scene unlike anything I'd ever witnessed. The sprawling city shimmered under the neon glow of a dozen casinos, clubs, drug stores, drug vending machines, and the air was thick with the scent of cheap perfume, bloody copper, and just straight up shit. Demons here were not afraid to show their hostility on their sleeves. The place was a garbage dump compared to how clean and pristine the Envy Ring was on a whole.
It was hot. Maybe it was because it was directly above the Wrath Ring, but fuck, it was hot.
With trembling legs, I disembarked, the weight of the bag suddenly unbearable. Despite the distance to the hotel, I refused another transport. I was broke anyway, having used the rest of what I had on my ticket here. I didn't mind in the slightest. I needed to feel the ground beneath my feet, to remind myself that this was real. Walking helped me clear my head and observe this chaotic new environment and what it had to offer.
A colossal tower of pulsating white light dominated the skyline. There was a chilling countdown for the "Next Cleanse" in menacing black letters: TBA. A shiver ran down my spine. Could this be connected to the "exterminations" the commercial referenced? Why would Angels come all the way here to kill demons? And only in the Pride Ring? I wasn't much for politics, but I knew the value of information, especially if this was to be her new home.
The heat intensified with every step. Stupidly, I hadn't considered dehydration, and a wave of regret washed over me for only packing food. A glance at my wristwatch revealed the shocking time of 11:49 pm. My feet throbbed in protest, but I pressed on, each step forward felt like wading through mud. My already less-than-average vision keeps blurring as the lights of the hotel grew larger. By some miracle, I stumbled through the large black gate leading to the grand entrance, the imposing hill to the actual establishment mocking my exhaustion. With a ragged gasp, I collapsed, the worn, hot brimstone an unforgiving surface.
Through blurry eyes, I saw the ornate lettering above: HAZBIN HOTEL. A wave of relief washed over me, followed by a blissful darkness.