Be Sober (Or Not)
"Wooohooooo it's time to party!" screamed Wally.
"Awww I can't believe our little babies are graduating high school!" sniffled Artemis.
"Indeed. This is a momentous accomplishment for you two. Congratulations are in order," said Kaldur.
"Thanks guys. Really! You didn't have to throw a party for Dick and me."
"Zatanna, please. As I understand it, high school is an important rite of passage for humans. We must celebrate!"
"Thanks, Kory. If we're gonna celebrate, I'm glad all of you are here with us!"
It was indeed a graduation party for the ages. The whole team gathered and decorated the cave to celebrate the final two high schoolers moving on to bigger things in life, Dick and Zatanna. A big banner saying "Happy Graduation!" hung from the ceiling. Multicolored streamers and balloons littered the cave. There were two huge cakes on the table. One was a robin while the other was a dove. With such a huge occasion, Wally took the liberty of inviting Barbara, Donna Troy, and Kara Danvers, too.
"OMG this cake is soooo good! This is so much better than that local bakery in Smallville!" Kara said stuffing cake in her face.
"I gotta say, Dick. Never pegged you as a college kid. But hey. I'm happy for you. Go expand your horizons, bud. Just remember, those sorority girls are nothing compared to your little bun bun here," teased Donna.
"Haha c'mon Donna! I only have eyes for Zee here."
"That's right! Dick is MY college man! Haha I can't believe I'm dating a college boy. Ugh it feels like those forbidden teenage love stories."
"Hey now, don't sell yourself short, Zee. You've got your debut show coming up! You're gonna wow everyone."
"Thanks, baby," Zatanna blushed as she kissed his cheek, "And of course, everyone is invited!"
"Ohhhhh I LOVE magic! It always looks so cool. Kal always feels uncomfortable around magic but that's probably because he's had bad experiences with it."
"Yea that sounds about right. Say, Kara? What time did Ma and Pa say you had to come home?"
"Oh lighten up Conner! It's not every day my friends graduate from high school!"
"While true, you've still got a whole year left, missy! Can't stay out too late now," teased M'gann.
"Ohhhh, I'm gonna miss you so much Dick! This will be the first time ever we'll be going to different school!"
"Haha I'll keep in touch Barb. Don't worry."
"You better! How else am I supposed to make sure you keep your paws off those sorori-titties."
Barb then jumped behind Zatanna and held the magician's arms behind her back while pushing her chest out.
"These are the ONLY titties you should be thinking about!"
"Barb!"
The party continued with joyous laughter as everyone were just happy for the young graduates. Both cakes were completely gone thanks to Kara and Wally's appetite. After a few rounds of UNO, Kara reluctantly went home while Donna left to get some sleep before more training with Diana. The only ones left were the team along with Barbara and Kory.
"Ok! Now it's time for the REAL party!" Wally announced as he placed a fancy purple box on the table.
"Uhhh Wally? What's this?"
"This my young detective friend, is yours and Zatanna's doorway to adulthood!"
Wally opened the intricate box to reveal a large bottle of Crown Royal Whiskey.
"Wally!? Alcohol? Really?"
"C'mon Artemis! They're the last ones of us to graduate!"
"There's still Kara!"
"Yea but like…this is the TEAM! Well plus Barb and Kory but they're technically part of the team too! Can't count out Batgirl and Starfire!"
"Wally, this may be unwise. They are still underage," Kaldur warned.
"Pft they're both 18 and have had sex. Hell they have more sex than any of us!"
"TMI Wally!"
"Sorry, Dick. But the point is, it's just for tonight to celebrate. I did not spend two hundred dollars on the good stuff for nothing!"
"YOU WHAT!?" Artemis exclaimed.
"I mean I did not use coupons to bring down the price of this delicious bottle for nothing hehe. Please don't kill me Artemis!"
"I kinda want to try some."
Everyone looked over at Zatanna shocked. She just shrugged.
"I mean. It's just alcohol. My dad used to give me wine every now and then. Italians and all."
"I uh…..don't really drink. Bruce wants to make sure I'm in tip top shape most of the time."
"What about all those galas you two attend?" M'gann asked.
"We faked it. Ginger ale and apple cider usually."
"Well, c'mon Dick. I'll drink tonight if you drink. It'll be our little secret," Zatanna pleaded.
"Sigh…..I can never resist you, babe."
Excited, Zatanna tapped the table and smiled.
"Bartender! Two shots for the lovely acrobat and myself please!"
"Wally, Zatanna, this could go very poorly."
"Would you relax Arty! Think about it. Wouldn't you rather these two babies have their first drinks with us? In the safety of their best friends?"
"I….I guess."
"Perfect! Now shots for everyone!"
Wally quickly poured everyone a shot of Crown. Dick and Zee clinked their glasses and tapped the table.
"Bottoms up, Zee."
"Cheers, Boy Wonder."
Chalant Drink Counter: 001
"Oh man. This is some strong stuff," Dick groaned.
"It uh…kinda burns. But in a good way," Zee added, "Bartender! Another!"
"Whoa Zee. Maybe we should pace ourselves."
"C'mon Dick, where's your sense of adventure?"
"Sigh. I'll go if you go I guess."
Chalant Drink Counter: 003
"Oh man. That's um…well that's something alright," Dick commented starting to feel the buzz.
"You feeling ok, baby?"
"I'm uh. I think I'm a little buzzed."
"Really? I feel fine."
"Huh. Damn Italian wine genes."
"Dick, maybe we should stop. This is your first real experience with alcohol."
"Nah I'm ok. I can't chicken out now. What's the worst that could happen?"
Chalant Drink Counter: 007
"깜빡이는 골목 가로등,
번쩍거리는 불빛 하나 둘,
친숙한 깊은 밤 다 느껴 니가 누구든,
남의 눈치 볼 필요가 없는," rapped Dick*
(The alleyway streelight flickers, The lights twinkle one by one, Feel this familiar deep night, whoever you are, There's no need to care about the other's eyes)
"서울 꽉 찬 빌딩 숲 속,
네온 사인 보다 니가 더 빛나,
그대가 떠날까 겁이나,
휘황찬 모든 게 강렬하지만,
조금 흥분되는 이 순간,
우리 오늘 같이 있을까," joined in Zatanna
(In the jungle of buildings that fill up Seoul,You shine more than the neon signs, I'm scared that you might leave, Everything about this brilliant night is intense but, I'm getting turned on at this moment, Do wanna be together today?)
Dick and Zatanna were jumping with joy with microphones in hand as they danced to the beat of the karaoke song. They held hands and raised them with glee.
"Uh since when did they know Korean?" Raquel asked.
"He's Robin. He probably knows like fifty different languages," Wally answered.
"Actually, he's mastered about ten. He's conversational in about five others but not as proficient."
Everyone just looked at the Tamaranean baffled at how she could know all that. Sly smirking, she pointed to her lips.
"Educational lip contact. Remember? I know almost as much as he does."
"Ok, better question. How does Zatanna know Korean?" asked Artemis.
"Eh they've been going through a Kpop phase. This is one of their favorite songs," answered Barbara.
"Maybe we should cut them off. We do not want them to hurt themselves."
"I agree with Kaldur. Spontaneous Kpop karaoke might be a good stopping point."
"C'mon M'gann. Lighten up. I kinda wanna see how far this goes."
"Just as long as we don't kill them, Wally."
"음악은 이대로 춤추며,
크게 노래 부르며,
Don't stop this feeling,
이보다 더 좋을 수는 없는걸," Dick and Zee sang together!
(Leave the music like this, Dance and sing loudly, Don't stop this feeling, It can't get any better than this)
Chalant Drink Counter: 010
"I mean…it's just so tragic. I think about that moment so often. I just…I think there was a way to save them both."
"I know, baby. It's ok. Shhhh it's ok."
"No Zee! You don't understand. This moment haunts my nightmares. Every time I see it play out, all I want to do is reach out and pull him in."
"Shhhh let it all out baby. Let it all out."
"There was enough room on that plank of wood! Rose should have let him on. ROSE AND JACK DESERVE TO BE TOGETHER DAMMIT!" sobbed Dick.
"Shhh shh I know baby, I know," cooed Zatanna
"I mean, after that, Rose took his last name. Sure, she had a family and all. But like…..she never forgot! She never forgot, Zee! She never let him go! It's just….It's soooo horrible!"
"Baby, come here. Cry with me."
Zatanna pulled Dick into her chest as they sobbed together over the tragedy of Rose Dewitt and Jack Dawson from the movie "Titanic."
"Soooooo ten-drink Dick is emotional Dick?" Artemis assumed.
"Apparently. Barb? What are you doing?" Wally asked.
"I'm his best friend which means I have the responsibility to document this and hold it against him for the rest of his life," Barbara proudly stated as she recorded the whole diatribe with her phone.
"Dude but like, crying over a movie? Seems kinda out of character for him, right Kaldur…..Kal?"
Kaldur wasn't much better as he too was sobbing and sniffling like a baby.
"You don't understand, Raquel. None of you do. It is a pivotal point in the movie AND DAMMIT TO HELL ROSE SHOULD HAVE PULLED JACK ONTO THE DEBRIS!"
"Okayyy we're cutting you off too, Kal," declared Artemis.
"I haven't had a drink in the past forty minutes. This movie just means that much to me."
Chalant Drink Counter: 015
"You turned her against me!" Robin yelled.
"You have done that yourself!" Zatanna declared.
"You will not take her from me!"
Dick threw off his Robin cape and began pacing the floor.
"Your anger and your lust for power have already done that."
Zatanna threw her cloak down on the ground and got into a battle stance.
"You have allowed this Dark Lord to twist your mind until now…" Zatanna continued, "Until now you have become the very thing you swore to destroy."
Dick and Zatanna began circling each other never breaking eye contact while Kory laid on the ground between them lightly snoring.
"Don't lecture me, Obi-wan. I see through the lies of the Jedi. I do not fear the dark side as you do. I have brought peace, justice, freedom, and security to my new Empire!"
"Your new Empire!?"
"Don't make me kill you."
"Anakin, my allegiance is to the Republic. TO DEMOCRACY!"
"If you're not with me, then you're my enemy."
"Only a Sith deals in absolutes."
Zatanna pulled out a toy lightsaber and turned it on.
"I will do what I must."
"You will try…"
Dick pulled out his toy lightsaber as the lights dimmed showing only the blue glow of the toys. Suddenly, Dick jumped at Zatanna and the two began their ferocious duel while "Battle of Heroes" played over the speakers. The Team, or at least what remained of it, could only watch the drama unfold.
"Maybe Conner was right. This has gone on long enough."
"Oh shush Arty. This is just some harmless fun."
"Barb, you just want as much blackmailing material as possible."
"Don't you Wally?"
"I should have left with M'gann and Conner."
"C'mon Raq, this is some good stuff."
"I guess. Hey! Who ate all the popcorn?"
"Sorry, Raq..." Wally meekly answered.
"I can't believe Kory volunteered to be Padme in this. Has she even seen the movie?" asked Artemis
"I think she just wanted an excuse to lie down. Pretty sure she's napping," Wally answered.
Eventually, Dick and Zatanna made their way to the living room locked in a heated toy lightsaber battle.
"I have failed you, Anakin. I have failed you."
"I should have known the Jedi were plotting to take over!"
"Anakin! Chancellor Palpatine is evil!"
"From my point of view, the Jedi are evil!"
"Well then you are lost!"
Zatanna flipped backwards and landed on top of the couch. Dick stood below staring in mock anger.
"It's over Anakin! I have the high ground."
"You underestimate my power!"
"Don't try it…"
Dick leaped up above Zatanna's head, but she swung her to lightsaber knocking Dick back to the ground. Keeping up with the scene, Dick screamed in mock agony.
"Ahhhhhhhhhh"
"YOU WERE THE CHOSEN ONE," sobbed Zatanna, "It was said you would DESTROY the Sith, not join them. You were supposed to bring BALANCE to the Force, not leave it in darkness."
"BAHHHHH I HATE YOU!"
"You were my brother, Anakin. I loved you."
Zatanna stepped down and rolled Dick over onto his back. She straddled him and began kissing him.
"Ohhh Ani!"
"Ohhhh Obi-wan!"
The team filed into the living room completely baffled.
"We're cutting them off here, right?" asked Raquel.
"Dammit my phone died."
"Something tells me that's for the better, Barb."
Chalant Drink Counter: ? ? ?
"Where are they?"
"How should I know, Artemis?! They only left our sights for two seconds."
"I told you this was a bad idea! I cannot believe I let you talk me into getting a ninja and his powerful magician girlfriend completely shitfaced drunk."
"We'll worry about the blaming later. Let's find them. Kitchen?"
"Nope."
"Their rooms?"
"Surprisingly neither of them are in there."
"Garage?"
"Nope, and the logs show that neither of them left via hanger or Zeta tube."
"Where could they be then!?"
Just then, Artemis and Wally started to hear light thumping from the air vents. Gradually, the thumping became louder and more rhythmic.
"Oh no….you don't think?" asked Artemis.
"Nah. It can't be, right?"
They moved to stand under the air vent and tried to listen more closely.
"OH GOD DICK! Yes…yes baby…YESSSSSSS. YOU'RE SO DEEP BABY."
Horrified, Wally and Artemis ran towards the Zeta tubes.
"Nope. No way. I. AM. DONE!"
"Yup they're on their own!"
The Morning After
Chalant Drink Counter: gg fam
Eventually, Dick and Zatanna busted through the vent above her room and fell onto her bed. They then rolled off the bed grabbing the comforter and promptly fell asleep on the floor.
"Uhhhhh"
"Good morning, handsome," Zatanna cooed as she kissed his cheek.
"Uhhhhh"
"Hehe you look like shit."
"I feel like shit. You however look beautiful. And…not hungover?"
"Hehe magic Italian genes," she giggled as she traced circles on his bare chest.
"Meanwhile I feel like the Joker just bashed my head in with a crowbar."
"Pft like that'll ever happen to Robin, the Boy Wonder."
Zatanna snuggled up closer to Dick rested her legs with his.
"Despite this tremendous hangover, I actually had fun. Mostly because I had fun with you," Dick said as he groggily buried his face into her hair.
"I had fun too. Honestly, I kinda liked the taste. Makes me want to explore other kinds of liquor."
"Haha I'll be happy to explore with you, babe. Let's just uh…do it in moderation, yea?"
"Pft. Wuss."
She began to kiss him and grind into his groin hoping to continue their session from the vent. Suddenly, a voice Zatanna hadn't heard in three years boomed throughout the cave.
"Zatanna? My little Zebra? Where are you, honey?"
Horrified, Zatanna leaned back but remained on top of Dick.
"Oh shit. Is that…Is that my father?"
"Wait. He wasn't supposed to come out until graduation day!"
"You knew?! You knew he was coming?!"
"Well, it was supposed to be a surprise. My graduation gift to you."
Tears started forming and dropping from Zatanna's cheek.
"You did that for me?"
"Zee, honey, I know this a really big, emotional moment for you, but we should make ourselves presentable."
Before she could answer, the door to her room swooshed open revealing Giovanni Zatara with a new haircut, trimmed beard, and a bouquet of roses in hand.
"Ah there's my little….."
He couldn't even finished the thought as he froze wide-eyed at the scene before him. Zatanna was still straddling her boyfriend. Neither of them wore any clothing and only had a purple comforter covering their dignities.
"Uhhhh hi Daddy," Zatanna tried to smile.
*THUD*
"Oh my God! Dick, help him!"
"Zee, PANTS!"
"For God's sake Dick, help him! He's in shock."
"Yes, let me help the man who's definitely going to skin me alive for defiling his daughter."
"Will you shut up, put on some pants, and help me carry him to the couch!"
"Happy Graduation indeed…."
AN: * "Feeling" by BIGBANG