Be Able to Take a Hint

"So, how'd you two find me anyway?"

"Uhhh, if I'm being honest, it took a lot longer than I was expecting. You really know how to cover your tracks, Harley," Dick answered.

After her shift at the diner, Harley (or rather Harleen Quinzel now that she wasn't crazy anymore) invited Dick and Zee back to her apartment above a Chinese restaurant. It was a small cozy space, but the owner was the only one willing to let her pet hyena live with her.

"Gee, Boy Wonder. Maybe it was because I didn't want to be found," Harleen teased.

"Fair enough. But after meeting your replacement, we got curious. The other Harley, or rather, Melissa Rauch, was one tough nut to crack," Dick replied.

"Oh, is she?" Harleen asked.

"Yea. She was so delusional, she fully believed that she was Harley Quinn! Even came prepared with your backstory about being a psychiatrist who treated Joker."

"It's true," Zatanna added, "She was so far gone that she still insisted she was you despite being under my truth spell."

Harleen fidgeted uncomfortably before getting up and pouring some water into her hyena's bowl.

"So, yea," Dick continued, "Some little things felt off. The accent was wrong, and she called Joker the wrong name. So, I did some digging through old cowl cam recordings of all our encounters with you and Joker."

"Wait, you two recorded us? Sheesh, and we're the crazy ones."

"Well, Batman wants to keep records of all the crime scenes and the criminals we face off. It's like a body cam for cops."

"Fair enough. What'd you find."

"Well, according to the footage, the last time we ever met….well you in particular, was over a year ago."

"Hmm sounds about right, I got out of the game a year ago."

"So, yea, I ran facial recognition from the batcomputer during the time period where I knew you weren't with Joker. We got a match at a convenience store here in Keystone. So, here we are, I guess. But I gotta ask: How'd you do it?"

Harley fed her hyena a treat before sitting back down facing Dick and Zee. She anxiously rubbed her hands and struggled to make eye contact with the couple. Clearly, she did not expect to be found out (or at least not so quickly).

"Harleen, if this is making you uncomfortable, we don't have to continue," Zatanna reassured her.

"No no. It's fine. I guess I owe you and your boytoy here an explanation since you put in so much effort into finding me."

She took a bite of the hyena treat before Dick and Zee could stop her.

"I'll admit, I was madly in love with Mister J at first. He was so charming as an Arkham patient. I felt alone mainly because I was so focused on my studies and work. I didn't have time to make friends or date. I was just me. Course you know the story from that point. I broke him out of Arkham and we terrorized Gotham for years. I loved him. I'd follow him everywhere. I took all the abuse, the scolding, the unappreciated toxic treatment because I genuinely thought he was doing that because he cared and didn't want me to mess up. Too bad, he didn't give a shit about me. He just wanted a competent lackey to he could take down the Batman. I was happy to learn and help for a while. But I'm human. I have my limits. I got tired of all the chemical warfare and robbing banks and poisoning the local pond so the fish could all be smiling. It takes a lot out of you to be a fugitive on the run y'know. So, one night while out and about buying groceries, I met Melissa the cashier. Unfortunately, she recognized me instantly cuz she was working on her PhD and writing a paper on me. She was a huge fan. She just kept asking me questions about why I joined Joker and what did I see in him and if I regretted becoming a criminal. Honestly, I indulged her cuz it felt nice being appreciated. It felt good to get a compliment for how cool I am and not just because I've got a nice ass and some tits. Believe me, Joker had no screening for appropriate henchmen."

"Ew. Though not surprising with the henchpeople of Gotham," Zatanna commented.

"Actually, some are pretty cool. Some even unionized and made like a universal hench person hiring organization. They even auditioned for Shark Tank but backed out for fear of being exposed to the cops. Still not the brightest bunch."

"Oh wait! I remember them," Dick exclaimed, "Henches for Hire!"

"Yup, they're still operating, I think. Anyway, Melissa let me stay at her place a few times and even fed me dinner. One night with my belly stuffed full of food, she straight up asked me if I needed a break. She asked if just for a little while she could tag in. Me feeling all tired and not thinking straight agreed. So thus began the tale of the two Harley Quinns. At first, I would be the one to participate in the big heists and schemes which is why you and Bats never noticed. You two came in for the big showstoppers. But for smaller, quiet moments where we were just getting by, she'd step in. I gave her a Harley costume, she dyed her hair blonde, and presto, in came stand-in Harley. She did the things I would. Brought Joker food, complimented him on his big ideas. Just blah domestic stuff. Honestly, whenever I swapped back in, Joker didn't even notice the difference. But Melissa wanted more. There were times where she didn't meet up for our appointed swaps. She'd stick with him for a week, then two weeks, and then months. Eventually, she stopped taking my calls. And if I'm being truly honest, I was glad. The first few years with Joker was bliss but I was delusional. I didn't like hurting people. I didn't want to kill anybody. But Puddin' said jump and I lept over tall buildings. I didn't even ask how high. Being cruel breaks down your soul. Which is why I tried to do little things. I'd slyly let hostages go. I'd miss on purpose with my guns. And like you said, I loosened the knots just enough to give Robin the Boy Wonder a fighting chance. On top of that, I got tired of being Joker's puppy dog. I looked back at all those questions Melissa asked me when we first met. I realized that I was just the Joker's punching bag. I licked the floor he walked on and never got anything in return. I mean, like I said, I'm human too. Odds are, I'd eventually get the hint that the man I loved didn't love me back. When I let Melissa go and do the Harley thing, everything suddenly felt quiet. Nobody was chasing me. For once, nobody knew who I was, and I didn't have to hide behind a mask and white make up. So, I ran. I just let Melissa take my place. I tried to get by on my own at first, but everyone in Gotham recoiled at the name Harleen Quinzel. I had to change it. So, I guess in the eyes of the US government, I'm Kaley Cuoco now. It was hard at first trying to scrounge up money. Technically Kaley has no degrees of any sort or any useful skills aside from acrobatics and stuff. My career options were low-end odd jobs or prostitution. Then, I ran into Ivy."

"Wait…..Ivy? As in Poison Ivy?" Dick asked.

"Yup. As in Dr. Pamela Isley. We were friends back in the Harley days. We'd go out, get drinks. She'd vent about how humans were destroying the ecosystem; I'd vent about how you and Bats foiled me and Joker again. We even hooked-up a few times. Oh the things she can do with vines."

"Uhhhh TMI Harley!"

"Right right! Sorry. Anyway, we drifted apart after the whole Injustice League debacle. She could not stand Joker after his demands with infecting her plants with Joker venom and just how infuriating he was. Apparently, he wouldn't stop stepping on the grass at the park and routinely pissed in her flowerpots as a joke. She couldn't understand why I was so infatuated with an asshole. And honestly, neither did I. So, I ran into her at a pub I was working at one day. I admitted she was right, and I just wanted to disappear. She was really kind. She actually helped me get set up here in Keystone. She negotiated the price with the owner of the restaurant downstairs, helped me rescue Coco, my pet hyena, from Joker. She still sends me money actually. I kinda feel bad and I keep telling myself it's just for now. Ivy's a good person."

"You sound really fond of her," Zatanna said.

"I am. But she's got that whole save the green shit going on. I can't get in the way of that."

Harley got really quiet, and a few tears escaped her eyes before she quickly wiped them away. Coco padded towards her and nuzzled her leg a bit. Dick and Zee could only stare (mainly because the hyena was so chill).

"Besides, happy endings and true love aren't in the cards for people like me. I'm destined to just get by in life as a shadow now."

"I wouldn't say that, Harley," Dick told her.

"Yea. Robin er now Nightwing, and I found each other. We live a hard hero life with danger, but we make it work. You're human, too. I'm sure Ivy will come around."

"Maybe. Course you two are a horrible example. Dickie here was suuuuper obvious with his feelings for you, Magician Girl."

"Yea, he kinda was…..Hey wait….You know!?" Zee exclaimed.

"Way to blow my cover, Zee! There goes the deniability route!"

"I uh sorry, but still. Harley, you knew?"

"Course I knew! You kiddin? Same height, build, hair, and that goddamn cackle. Honey, I'm a freakin Doctor of psychology. I can recognize behavioral patterns. I pegged Dickie boy as Robin years ago. I know who Brucey is too."

"Then," Dick asked with caution, "does he know too?"

"No. He's too caught up in the mystique of the Batman. The thrill of playing the game of wits and crime with Batsy to even care to learn who's underneath the mask. You and Bruce are safe."

"That's good to hear," Dick breathed a sigh of relief.

"But it doesn't take a genius to see how much you liked Zatara's daughter over here.. You'd always stick by her side in team fights. You both have sick combo moves that are clearly the product of spending tons of alone time together. Whenever she got hurt, the first one there in a blink of an eye was Robin. And with Kid Flash on the team, that's saying something. It made me jealous a little. Here was a doting boy trying to impress the girl he likes and he's reciprocated. Meanwhile I do the same for a clown madman and get nothing in return."

"Harley," Zatanna asked, "Be honest with us. Are you ok with this arrangement? As in, are you really happy just being here in Keystone waitressing?"

Harley paused to think a little. She scratched her chin and crossed her legs.

"I'm ok with the quiet life," she answered, "Honestly, I really am. No explosions, no mallets. Just being Kaley is good enough. But I do think about one thing every night."

"Oh? What's that?"

"I worry that I'm being selfish. By living here like this, I'm knowingly leaving Melissa with that monstrous clown. Joker is cruel and he thinks it's funny how cruel he can be. I've had to endure things with him that I'd never wish on my worse enemies. And yet, I'm willingly letting Melissa go through those horrible things."

Dick and Zee were at a loss for words as Harley sobbed into her hands. Neither really moved to comfort Harley because neither had the right answer to her concerns. Coco jumped into Harley's lap trying to comfort his mother. Through her sniffles and tears, Harley struggled to come up with one final sentence.

"If I let that poor innocent girl continue parading around with that lunatic, does that make me the monster?"

The drive back to Gotham was silent. Dick had tried to leave Harley some money, but she refused insisting that she had enough to get by. They left Harley some contact numbers if she ever needed anything and the trio parted ways. Dick and Zee hadn't said anything as they tried to digest everything Harley mentioned.

"I'm glad Harley's ok," Zatanna spoke first.

"Yea. I figured she had somewhat of a kind heart when I was younger. While holding me hostage, we'd chat. She asked how I was doing in school; I'd ask about her Yankees. I liked her. I always hoped one day either Bruce or I could pull her out of the criminal life. I guess she found a way on her own."

"Careful now, Dickie. If I didn't know any better, I'd say Harley was your first crush as a little eight-year-old."

"Hahaha as if! She was crazy at the time and hanging out with Joker of all people. Blergh. Just thinking about it makes my stomach churn. Besides, I met my first crush years before then."

"Hmmm if you say so. Either way, I hope things will get better for her. She really seems to like Ivy."

"Ivy's always had a soft spot for Harley. Glad to hear she's looking out for her."

They continued a few more miles in silence that grow a bit more comfortable compared to the dark tones earlier.

"Hehehe," Dick snickered.

"What?"

"Was I really that obvious with my feelings for you that lovesick Harley figured it out?"

"Baby, you literally shoved M'gann out of the way so you could say hi."

"What can I say? You were extremely pretty. Plus, I wanted to meet my first crush again."

She turned to him with a slight blush on her cheeks. If he saw, he held a pretty good poker face while keeping his eyes on the road.

"Really? I-I was your first?"

"Well yea. You were dazzling in that show I saw with my parents. And you looked so down to Earth when you were hiding behind your dad. Most of all, you were really pretty. Still are."

"I didn't think you'd fall that hard for someone like me so quickly. Or maybe you really were a little baby bird back then and you just imprinted your feelings on the first pretty girl you saw," she teased.

"Har har. Very funny. Since we're on the subject, who was your first crush?"

"Mmmmm. If we're being super technical, a boy named John."

"Technically, I'm a John."

"True, but If you must know, you were the first real crush that I had genuine feelings for. If we define crush as someone whom I admired and wanted to get to know more, then the first ever crush I had where I was mildly intrigued by someone was a boy named John. He trained under my dad when we were younger. He's like maybe two years older than I am, I think? He was quiet and kept to his studies a lot. I'd have to bother him to pull him out of his shell to come play. I don't really remember what happened to him. He just stopped training with my father one day and I never really saw him again. Then of course some raven-haired short stack in red spandex nervously stuttered that he was trying to be nonchalant."

"Hahaha. Y'know, even when we flirted like that, I still wasn't sure if you liked me or not."

"Years later, I still don't know how you couldn't get the message. When I told you to be as chalant as you like, I basically put up a neon sign that said 'kiss me you beautiful boy.'"

"Yea yea. You weren't any better either!"

"Pft, please. Whether I knew you liked me or not was irrelevant. I sent out sooo many signals trying to get you to like me. If you recall, our first date to the carnival was cuz I pushed you into asking me. I dropped sooo many hints. 'Nobody's here, Rob.' 'I'm free, Rob.' 'For fuck's sake, ask me out, Rob!'"

"Wait….that was a date?"

"…..bahahahahahha."

"What?"

"You cheeky lying birdy. You knew it was a date! Why else would you try to impress me by winning your own plushie?"

"Hey! I was nervous. And you couldn't have dropped that many signals."

"Dick, if you can prove that a girl who blew through the entire Star Wars franchise from movies to animated tv shows to freakin' extended universe novels solely so she could talk to her crush wasn't dropping hints, I will give you road head right here right now."

*RING RING*

Before Dick could even retort, the screen in the car's control panel lit up with a batsymbol. It blinked with a wave of red and yellow lights. Hurriedly Dick tapped a screen and a 3D map appeared with a blinking red dot on one of the buildings.

"That's an emergency distress signal. It's coming from an abandoned Gotham courthouse out by Randol Mill," Dick worried.

"Is it Bruce or Babs?"

"Uhhh unclear. It's not a registered signal. Just an emergency blip."

"Could be a trap?"

"No. Only three people on Earth are smart enough to crack this system and fake a distress signal. One's the UN secretary, one built the damn system itself, and you're sitting in this car with the last person."

"Guess we'll have to check it out."

At the courthouse, a number of thugs wearing rubber masks painted half white and half black were throwing tomatoes at the tied up, hung upside down prisoner. All the jeering and waste of produce stopped when a pair of hands loudly clapped. The thugs parted and made a path for the boss. He walked down the aisle in his half clean white and half black charred suit. He continually flipped a coin with his good right hand. He then combed his hair with his bad and burnt left hand. Finally, our big boss approached the prisoner.

"You ready to talk?" the split-dressed figure asked.

The prisoner mumbled something incoherent. Angered, the boss punched the prisoner in the stomach.

"If you're gonna say something, say it to my face, punk!"

"Which one?" the prisoner retorted back.

"Why you -"

Before, the Two-face could say anything, two windows were shattered as if something big entered. More precisely, two someones entered. Nightwing landed in the middle of the bullpen with a somersault while Zatanna floated gracefully beside her boyfriend.

"Harvey, please, this is a courthouse. What happened to keeping justice sacred?" Nightwing quipped.

"Arrgggh," Harvery growled.

"What took you so long!"

A voice that sounded like a teenager ripped through the commotion. Oddly everyone froze and looked up to the source. Nightwing's eyes widened as he could not believe what he was seeing. Hanging upside down was a boy no older than fifteen. He wore a red tunic with black leggings. His cape now flopping downwards was black on the outside but yellow underneath. Interestingly, the boy had black sleeves something his predecessor did not. Finally, breaking out of his trance, Nightwing squinted his eyes and was fixated on the bright yellow 'R' on the prisoner's left chest. Anger boiled inside of him as he gripped his escrima sticks tightly. He growled.

"Who the hell are you supposed to be!?"

AN: Sorry this took so long to update. I've got a lot going on this past week. I've still got loads of ideas for this fic. Thanks for sticking with me and I hope you are all enjoying it!